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Frequent Fry Her
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frequent fry her - BaconBitB Frequent Fry Her TM. - BaconBitB, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 13-JAN-09
I need some advice.  The background:  MIL never approved of me from the beginning.  I was an outsider, from a different state and a different heritage.  I am also DH's first and only significant other.  DH is the baby in the family.  Long story short, MIL had known something about me that I really don't like to talk about (how she got the information is the long story part).  When it was clear that DH and I were going to be together forever, she told everyone she knew, and did everything she could to get DH to call the wedding off.  After the wedding, she realized that she was stuck with me, and now wants to be buddy-buddy.  Though, any past contact with MIL has resulted in her disapproving of something, and then telling everyone about what a horrible person I am.  A year ago, I declared that I was done with MIL and wanted NOTHING to do with her.  DH has been very supportive of my desire, but it has been hard on him.  Right now, visiting her means time away from me, and he hates that.  However, he is good, and keeps his time with her short, so he is not away from me for too long.  Here is my problem:  We are going to visit DH's home town in a few months.  DH is deploying and it will be the last time he will see his family for a little while.  I care about DH a lot, and I know how much it would mean to him for me to go to lunch (in a public location) with him and MIL.  But, I neither want to talk to MIL or indulge her.  I have talked to DH about this, informing him that I would probably not say a word, and he supports my decision either way.  Though, he would love to have me by his side, even if I remain mute the whole time.  Also, if I do go and I feel that I need to leave, we could leave.  Two other things to add.  #1.  My own mother says that I should go.  #2.  DH talked to MIL and she "disappointingly" commented, "So, I guess I won't be seeing your wife on this trip, like the last one."  DH's response was, "That is up to her.  And I support her decision either way."

        Signed - Lunch with MIL?
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frequent fry her - BaconBitB Frequent Fry Her TM. - BaconBitB, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 10-FEB-09
DH is deploying around the same time our first baby is due.  I do not get along with my MIL, and refuse to be alone in the same room with her.  DH is kind and smart enough to understand this.  So, DH was on the phone with his mom Sunday afternoon.  Here is what DH told me was said during that conversation (some paraphrasing for MIL).  Before I start, let me say that DH is a patient man, who gets over things pretty quickly.  It took him 3 hours to calm down enough to want to talk.
MIL:  So, did you ask your dad and step-mom to come out for a couple weeks after the baby is born?
DH:  Yes, we've talked to them about coming out to help after the baby is born.
MIL:  Were you going to ask me?
DH:  Honestly, No.
MIL:  (something in the nature of) So, when am I going to be able to see my grandchild?
DH:  You can come by when I am home from overseas.
MIL:  (something in the nature of) This is your fault.  You need to put your foot down and tell your wife she needs to "grow up" and deal with me.  I have the right to see my grandchild, and I should not have to wait a year until you get home to see the baby.
DH:  Well, how do you think I feel missing out on the first year of my baby's life, and possibly even its birth!?
There were some other things said, and DH gave a lot of annoyed grunts.  And, then there was the topper of all statements.
MIL:  If you die while deployed, there will be a fight for the child between your wife and me, and I am going to win!
Who says this to their own son!?!?!?  DH was so stunned by what she said, that he just hung up.  The whole thing had me worried enough to at least seek some basic legal advice from a couple of my lawyer girlfriends.  I confessed to DH that I had called them, and he actually wanted to know what they found!  He is going so far as to make it clear in his will that his mother will NOT get custody of our baby.  In his own words, "I will never let anyone take our baby!"

        Signed - Lucky To Have DH, Just Wish I Could Trade In MIL
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frequent fry her - BaconBitB Frequent Fry Her TM. - BaconBitB, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 11-MAR-09
Update:  My MIL is the one who threatened to take me to court for custody, if something happens to my DH while he is deployed (posted Feb 10th).  DH called his mother about a week ago.  He told her that he was hurt by what she said, and was even fearful about her mental health because of it (love that part).  She swore that she didn't say what she said, and that she said she would only be looking for visitation.  DH pointed out that, even if that was really what she said, which it was not, threatening visitation was itself inappropriate and would not be accepted.  She got upset, and continued to blame him for the separation between her and me.  He told her that she was welcome to blame him, and that it would not make things any better if she did, but instead would make things worse.  He also told her that if she continues, he would be forced to choose between her and me, and that he made his choice the day he married me.  She backed off, for now, at least.  DH has not changed his feelings or support for me despite her apologies.  I told my dad about what happened, and he reminded me that she messed with the wrong girl.  Not only do I have friends who are lawyers, half my family are lawyers, and my uncle is a federal judge in my home state.  Not only that, if she attempted to challenge my abilities as a mother, my character witnesses would include a number of high ranking military officers, politicians, lawyers, doctors and more.  She'd have a hard time fighting the influential people I grew up with, work with, and spend my time volunteering for.  Again, thank you everyone for your support, and I'll keep you up to date on things.

        Signed - I Win, MIL Loses!  I Like This Game!
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frequent fry her - BaconBitB Frequent Fry Her TM. - BaconBitB, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 24-OCT-15
This is an email my FIL and Step-MIL got and forwarded to me. Names have been replaced <my comments are sprinkled in between brackets like this>.

"Aunt-In-Law here. First off, I don't mean to be offensive with this note, however I am sure it is going to come off that way, because I tend to tell it like it is, and offend without meaning to. <You know it is going downhill from here> Grandpa-In-Law received an invitation to a baby shower for DIL. <me> I know you have wonderful intentions, but did you ever stop and think that in doing this, you are undermining MIL's attempt to smooth things out with DIL? <again, me - and MIL is not trying to smooth things out, she had just threatened to file for custody if anything happened to DH while he was deployed (see Feb 10th story)> I feel you have overstepped your boundaries big time. I'm certainly not saying you should not give them a baby shower. However, out of respect for MIL, who is the baby's REAL grandmother, and SIL, who is the REAL Aunt, I feel you should have at least been courteous enough to contact them and ask if they wished to be involved, or had any intentions of doing one. Then you could have acted accordingly. Baby showers given by family are generally done by the immediate family. <who says? and you are DH's stepmother, not his REAL mother> Again, not intended to hurt, simply stating facts.

"Lastly, I am guessing that I am probably not on that guest list <she is, out of courtesy, and I bet her invitation is in her mail box today>. If I am, you have set a time that makes it a virtual guarantee that I wouldn't be able to attend. I can understand that DH and DIL have time constraints since they are flying into town. However, it would have been nice if you had been a bit more accommodating for those that work. <she would have almost a month to ask for time off if she would like to attend. And why should my step-MIL accommodate her anyway?>

"If I offended you, I apologize. But there is so much going on with the 'DIL Saga' that I feel your actions produce yet another negative influence. <No, MIL dug her grave on her own.> I understand neither of you are particularly fond of MIL, and it's good that you are being accepting of her, but that chance needs to be extended to other family as well."

FIL was understandably upset by the email, and left a message on both my Aunt-In-Law's and MIL's answering machine. It was something to the tune of, "I am the baby's REAL grandpa, my son's REAL father, and have the right to throw my DIL a shower if I want."

DH is in the field and out of communications for a while, so he does not know about all of this.

I know FIL is DH's dad, but I'm beginning to wonder if DH is really related to MIL and her family.

        Signed - Beginning To Wonder
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