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Frequent Fry HerTM
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Age: 28        MIL Age: 62

frequent fry her - Gen802008 Frequent Fry Her TM. - Gen802008, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 12-JAN-09
For two months after the birth of my baby, DH was moody and then downright mean to my mother.  I guess he was feeling soooooo bad that HIS mother could not be there for the birth of my child, and my mother was.  I wanted my mother there with me.  DH is squeamish around blood, and wasn't going to be much help.  So, I asked my mum to be there.  I wouldn't have minded his mum being there, but for her nature.  She is very very, very pushy, and classifies it as being helpful.  She will repeat the same suggestion over and over and over again, until you want to scream!!  Or, she will say something like, "Oh when I was young, I did it this way."  OR, "You should do what I did," etc., etc.  When DH told her that my mum was going to be there for the delivery, she said, "Oh, I know every girl wants their mother, not their mother-in-law, there with them at this time.  God didn't bless me with daughters, so I will never get to see this beautiful act.  I know this because the other DIL also only wanted her mum for both the births in the hospital!!"  Now, this might seem sweet to you the first time, and I thought so, too.  I felt a bit sorry.  But, after she had repeated the line to my mother, aunt, and me again, DH, my mother again, DH's aunt and uncle, BIL and his wife and ME again, I didn't have any room for pity.  Also, MIL is quite fanatical about breastfeeding, and loved to tell me that she breastfed DH till he was nearly 3.  I should do the same with my child!!  I wanted to breastfeed (and did successfully for 6 months), but I wanted to choose the length of time I breastfed.  Also, I didn't want her hovering and giving me advice, as she feels very offended when you do not take that advice.  It wasn't as if I was telling her not to be there at all.  As they live in a different country and I knew that they were going to visit for at least 6 months, I asked if they could come perhaps a month after the birth.  It made sense, as my mum wasn't visiting for long, and I would have loved to have had the time to get used to being a mum and then have them over for the Christening, etc.  Additionally, being in the last stages of my pregnancy, I was overtired, bloated and emotional.  Not a good time to have to deal with MIL.  But DH couldn't see that.  All he could see was that his darling mother wasn't able to be there.  So, he walked around with a black cloud over his head.  With me suffering from a bit of postnatal depression, it was a bad time in my life.  I now see that this was why I couldn't bring myself to be too enthusiastic about the gifts my ILs brought with them.  They insisted on opening up all the gifts the very day they arrived.  I was still dealing with the HUGE fight that DH and I had had the day before.  I am not an actress, but a human being.  Although the ILs have good intentions, and are very helpful sometimes, they can smother you with help.  They try force you to do things their way, and then feel offended when you don't.  They feel confused when you aren't grateful for the things they do.  My MIL is a master of emotional blackmail.  I hope I don't do that with my kids!!  I mean, I know that all parents, at some point, use the emotional blackmail in their child's life.  Sometimes, it is a necessary evil to get the child to understand that things cannot only go their way, that they have to consider other people's feelings too.  Their actions have an impact on another's well-being.  But, when a mother emotionally blackmails her adult child to do things her way, instead of the way the spouse needs, or, when a mother thinks that the adult child's loyalty should be towards her alone, not anyone else, then it borders on ridiculous!!  And, it is Very, Very Wrong.  I read some of the posts here and I think, "C'mon!  Why don't these MILs put themselves in the DIL's shoes and see how their advice/comments/gifts, etc., look?"  I am not saying that every DIL is blameless.  Sometimes, we are skewed towards our own mothers and then blame DH for talking to or taking advice from theirs.  That might not be fair.  But, I look back on my life and think that I don't divulge every fricking detail of my life to my mother.  I don't disrespect my DH by constantly comparing him to my dad.  I don't ignore my DH's wishes or the plans we have jointly made, only to do it my mother's way!!  Then, why is it OK for our DHs to do so?  Then they wonder why we feel so hurt or disrespected.  In my own house I want to be a queen, just as in her house MIL is Queen.  I would never think to go into MIL's home and disrespect her by rearranging drawers, furniture, etc.  I would never go to MIL's place with a set of my own cookware, utensils, etc., even if I prefer to cook with those things.  I would never go into MIL's home and rearrange her kitchen, or tell her when and how to do things.  Just because I am younger shouldn't matter.  I am an adult, and if I am old enough to have a job, a home, a marriage and children, I am old enough to make my own decisions.  I don't mind advice.  In fact, I used to ask for it.  But, if you give advice and get offended when people don't take it, then it isn't advice.  It's an order!!  Advice implies that I have a choice to either take it or leave it.  But, they don't understand.  I have tried to be understanding, to the point that I have even left my own parents out sometimes to be a better DIL.  But it doesn't matter.  They only want more!  Now I feel that if DH cannot respect my mother and father, then I will not be the extra nice, extra sweet person I used to be to the ILs.  This is MY home.  If people don't respect me, then they aren't welcome in my home.

        Signed - Tired
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frequent fry her - Gen802008 Frequent Fry Her TM. - Gen802008, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 5-MAR-09
Just another story about my MIL and her antics.  My mother recently had to undergo a hysterectomy after nearly 12 years of painful menopause.  During her menopause, she suffered symptoms for 15 days of the month and bleeding for the rest.  Anemic and exhausted, she finally agreed to have surgery.  I was happy that the suffering would stop finally.  Now, the hospital and doctor my mum chose are ones she had been going to for years.  This female doctor is a trustworthy one, who has helped my mum through the worst of it.  But, my ILs have issues with the Dr. because MIL's best friend had a bad experience with her.  Now, I know this so called friend of MIL's, and she is as big a drama queen as MIL, and a big gossip, too.  So, when she complained about the doctor and the hospital being bad, I took it with a pinch of salt.  However, the ILs were quite upset that my mum was still willing to go through the surgery with this surgeon.  Despite this, FIL, who is basically a helpful fellow, came over nearly every day to see my mum after surgery, and was even there on the day, sitting with my dad for support.  However, MIL was soooooo miffed about my parents not taking her advice.  She visited my mum only once, and spent most of the time ignoring her.  My mum was sick and in pain from the surgery, and MIL could only think of her own hurt feelings??  Additionally, when my uncle asked her how she was doing, she said she has pain from her own illness, that has only gotten worse since she spent so much time taking care of my DD when they visited us.  DD was only in her care for a couple of weeks (10 days in total), while I returned to work, and until she went to daycare.  MIL always does this.  She says that she loves her grandchildren and wants her sons to live in the same city as her so she can take care of them and they can be near.  But, each time BIL's two sons visit them, she complains to my DH about them and how tiring it is for her to be looking after them at her age (she is 61).  Now, I learn that she is doing the same thing about my DD.  MIL is such a drama queen, and this only proves it.  She creates drama, and guilts her sons into visiting.  Then, when they do, she expects the DILs to sit with the grandkids all the time.  Both SIL and I grew up in this city, so when we visit, we want to catch up with our relatives and friends, too.  But, if the DIL goes out to see her family, leaving the grandkids with the (supposedly) "Oh so loving Grandma", then it is time for a drama session.  I have already decided that I'm going to take a year off work for my second baby.  I will have my mum come over to visit, but I definitely do not want any help whatsoever from my MIL.  SIGH!!

        Signed - MIL And Her Antics
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frequent fry her - Gen802008 Frequent Fry Her TM. - Gen802008, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 30-APR-09
I've read over and over again on this site how the ILs blame us DILs for everything that goes wrong, or everything that is not done according to their plans.  If DH seems to support me on certain issues, then MIL will say things like, "He was never like that before."  My MIL has tried that several times.  After being shocked into silence the first time she said that (I realized what she was doing, but couldn't think of what to say), I gave it back to her the next time.  I'm the poster whose ILs live in another country, so they visit for months on end.  Now DH, like all DHs here, knows his mum's faults, but feels like he is being disloyal to her if he calls her on it in front of me.  So, he usually tells her to back off privately.  Fine by me, as long as he passes the message on and we can avoid a scene.  However, the situation does make him very tense.  He is much more easy going and relaxed when it is just us.  But, when the ILs are around, he gets very, very upset really easily (i.e., hair trigger).  This spews out onto everyone.  One morning, while I was still on maternity leave, he was upset about something his parents were insisting he do (which I had warned him about).  While I didn't look at him to say, "I told you so," he probably got more annoyed because of it and just abruptly left the house to go to work, saying, "Just leave me alone."  After he left, things were a bit quiet for a while.  Then, we got cooking and busy with baby, etc.!  A little while later, MIL decided to say something about the situation.  I said, "Yeah, he gets so stressed and then takes it out at home."  Immediately MIL took the opportunity to say, "Well, he was never like that before!!"  I asked, "Before what?"  She said, "Just before, you know, coming to XXXX (country we moved to immediately after getting married)."  That basically meant before marrying me.  (he he he) of course!!  I should have known.  I immediately laughed and said, "BULLSH!T!!"  Within the first month that we started dating, DH had to fly off for work.  When I came over to see him off, he was yelling and screaming and stressing at MIL and FIL, the same way he did that morning.  On that occasion, she had seen how I'd looked on in shock at his behavior (nearly rethinking the whole thing).  She quickly said, "Oh, he's always gotten tense when he had something stressful come up.  He doesn't mean anything."  When I reminded MIL of this, she shut up and sulked all day.  Ha, ha.  Nice try, MIL, but some of what you taught DH is coming back to bite you on the butt!!

        Signed - Nice Try, MIL
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frequent fry her - Gen802008 Frequent Fry Her TM. - Gen802008, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 15-JUN-09
My PIL live in another country.  MIL has some health issues, which mean the long flight to visit us takes its toll on her.  That is reason enough to make the visit long.  I mean really long - a minimum of 3 months!!  Yes, I know.  It's shocking.  But, since the same rules apply to my parents, I don't want to be hypocritical, and have accepted that their visits are going to be of the extra long variety.  But, I have conditions on these visits, of course.  No redecorating my house or attempting to recreate her house in mine.  She has tried that in the past, and I have shot that down immediately.  No telling me that I should stay at home with my child, rather than work.  She attempted this, but I told her, "My life, my choices."  And, there is especially no telling me how to raise my child.  I nipped that in the bud ASAP.  Other than that, I have no restrictions on what they do, where they go, who they call, their internet usage, and even what they buy as gifts for family back home, etc.  They are adults, free to do whatever they want.  I usually do the cooking in my house because I enjoy it (most of the time).  When I need a break, we go out to dinner or have takeout.  My MIL also LOVES to cook, and thinks she is the best cook in the world.  To give MIL her due, she is a good cook.  I enjoy her cooking.  Since she prefers to do it, and I am at work during the visits, I don't have a problem with her doing the cooking for us.  She LOVES it.  However, I realized that she perpetuates the image that if it were not for her cooking, we would starve.  I don't know what she thinks I do when she is not around!!  Actually, she knows that I am a good cook as well, but refuses to admit it or take into consideration the fact that since she has more life experience than me, she would definitely know more about cooking and know more recipes than I do.  It's never been an issue about what to cook, because I try all types of cuisines.  But, it just bugs me that when we have a party or just a small dinner, she will take over the planning of the meal and then let everyone know how hard SHE worked on the cooking.  If I tell her to leave the cooking for the weekend, or that I will take time off and stay home to help, she says, "No, no, don't be silly.  I am at home anyway.  Let me do it."  SIGH.  I know it is petty, but it just niggles at me when her friends don't even believe that I made a particular dish(es)!!  I guess I should just bear with it, as it is not as bad as some of the other things MILs do.  But, I feel sometimes that life is too short for me to put up with cr@p I don't like!!!  What do you think?  Is it too small an issue to bother with?  I mean, in a very real sense I HAVE tackled the major ones (in the 1st paragraph) and these little things should probably be allowed to slide off!!

        Signed - I Guess I Should Just Bear With It
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( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )


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