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Mother-In-Law Mall
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Frequent Fry HerTM
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Lost And Found
Age: 45 MIL Age: 87
The Chronicles of the Shunned
for healing and a good life without them.
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Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- lost and found, 1 of 4 needed, Posted:
10-MAY-07
MIL does not like me. It is apparent,
and she has shown it to me for 16 years. DH and I are on the
brink of breaking up and the vultures are circling, aiming for the
jugular. Background: We have a blended family: Two
children are mine, 2 children are his, and we have one child together.
That, in itself, has presented lots of turmoil in our lives, and emotional
nonsupport and negative undermining from family members has made many
issues hard for us. MIL used to visit us frequently, causing
lots of trouble and unbearable stress. Anxiety of the impending
doom lingered weeks before, during and after the actual events.
Consistently she failed to summon up the courtesy to inform us of
her arrival date, duration of stay, number of visitors accompanying
her and plans/agenda for the stay at our house. While visiting,
it was tradition for other in-laws to drop in unannounced on us, per
her invitation. In other words: IL's agenda ruled and
we were treated as guests in our own home. One specific jewel
comes to mind, which caused a 10 year famine on my family. Later
on I will elaborate more about that in another story. Today
I would like to focus on the actual event that brought the wrath of
the gods upon us. Here it goes: My sister and brother
were due to visit from Europe. They had never been here.
The trip was planned and anticipated, date set, tickets bought.
ILs announced their visit. DH was waffling around for weeks
leading up to this, as I was hoping and requesting for a day or two
in private with my sibs, due to the fact that I had not seen them
for several years. MIL and FIL, who are both retired from their
jobs, arrived on the very same day that my sister and brother landed
on this soil. MIL wasn't happy!!! She wanted to do (our?)
laundry, which there was very little of, and she got right into making
supper. In those days I was led to believe that only MIL could
feed the family, and in respect to DH's wishes, I let her roam the
kitchen to keep the peace and foster her sense of purpose. My
sister, brother and I visited. It was very awkward, because
having been raised in a culture that is very strict about respecting
elders, we did not speak to each other a lot in our native language,
due to the fact that FIL, DH, and MIL were in the room and they were
not as fluent in our native language as we were. I caught myself
several times apologizing to FIL, translating back and forth and feeling
very tense and uneasy as not to make anyone feel excluded. MIL
did not like us visiting at all. She put on the TV and turned
up the volume to the point where conversation was impossible, while
carrying on in the kitchen with supper (all three rooms pertaining
to this story are adjoined, open). DH and I froze. My
brave sister calmly walked over and turned the TV volume back down.
As all of this was going on and the air was thick with disbelief and
suppressed anger, DH and I, as always, were standing at attention,
tails wagging, in anticipation of the possible upcoming award of some
of the lesser duties to assist in a successful presentation of the
"greatest and best" meal ever. My sister also helped,
and there would have been no issue whatsoever for us to whip something
up ourselves rather than face a life of starvation, as we all are
excellent and established cooks. MIL called my sister and me
lazy. When my sister politely refused a piece of MIL's homemade
bread at the dinner table, MIL told her (my sister) that she WOULD
be eating what she (MIL) put on her table. It wasn't her table.
That evening was a sad one, like the whole visit, and there were many
more IL visits like it. That specific visit ended abruptly the
following day. On that terrible day, charged by the events of
the previous day and whatever mysteries unbeknownst to us that may
or may not have happened at BIL's house on the visit prior to ours,
MIL had a fit. A total, hysterical fit. She got out of
bed, got dressed, and out of the blue announced to my sibs and me,
"You are Heathens!" She packed up and left.
My English language skills in those days did not enlighten me as to
what a Heathen was? FIL told me that MIL was wrong to say this,
and to not pay attention to her. DH told his mother not to talk
to us in that way. My sibs didn't understand what she was calling
them. MIL left, and the punishment phase was about to begin.
Part II will follow soon.
Signed - The Healing Has
Begun
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Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- lost and found, 2 of 4 needed, Posted:
11-MAY-07
The Chronicles of the Shunned (Part II).
MIL felt mistreated at our home, and left, and that was the end of
it. Feeling totally innocent, we thought that if we continued
to just be kind to her, woo her, and tolerate whatever she cooks up,
she will come around? Boy, were we naive, quite the opposite
happened!!! As mentioned, FIL did come to our defense, and through
the grapevine we heard that FIL kept defending us. Unfortunately,
that did absolutely no good. SIL (who is another MIL in training)
decided that she was going to bring upon us the "evil shunn".
The "evil shunn" lasted 10 years, where she drove right
by our house and did not visit us. Mind you, I had not met her,
and had repeatedly voiced my desire to get acquainted with my new
family and to meet all of my DH's sibs, as is custom in all nontoxic
families. SIL drove right by our house to visit BIL, MIL, and
others. None of them remotely felt even the slightest urge to
call, invite us or include us. Family gatherings took place
several times, on different occasions and settings, and it was always
mentioned after the fact how great it was. BIL (another MIL
in training, the youngest and most conniving) reached out in his great
desire to do "good works". He hired my DH's ex-wife,
who was giving us problems (as a total different bag of worms) regarding
her 2 kids, who were living with us at the time. I don't know
whether this was in direct response to his mother being miffed at
our house or if it was just a way to show me that he considered my
DH's ex more part of the family than me. His DW was very close
with my DH's ex, and stirred the pot for us on several occasions.
A wedding picture of DH's and his ex was on display for many years
at MIL's house, even after DH and I were long married. Both
of my DH's brothers have repeatedly violated our home by showing up
unannounced and demanding to be wined and dined. In return,
when things were not just so ( not enough fried squash, but plenty
of other things on the table), they bashed us behind our backs, even
though they were the rude offenders by not announcing their visit
and not giving us the time to plan and prepare properly, as they always
show up in packs of 5 or more. The Nerve. Of course, MIL,
the Great, eventually was wooed back into our life with a lot of sucking
up by DH, and continues to this day to disrespect our home, marriage,
children, and beliefs. She keeps causing havoc by maintaining
all the above mentioned (in Part I and II) mannerisms. As a
result of the "Heathen" incident, DH convinced me to leave
my religion behind and join the same faith as his family. There
is more to come.
Signed - The Healing Has
Begun
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Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- lost and found, 3 of 4 needed, Posted:
11-MAY-07
The Chronicles of the Shunned (Part IV - note, Part
III tomorrow). This one is going to be short, as
all my other parts of this story are long-winded. Hopefully,
I was able to portray the toxicity, close-mindedness, and absolute
unison in all evil deeds that family members have to endure to establish
and maintain their pecking order in a family like this. That
brings me to recall another event of happy tap-dancing, and this one
definitely established my position well. After this, I surely
wouldn't have any doubts, just in case there ever were any doubts,
LOL. I sure wish they would quit insulting my intelligence.
Here it goes: The 60th Wedding Anniversary of MIL and FIL.
Feelings of uneasiness, nausea, queasiness and obligation caused me
to question DH extensively about the plans regarding MIL and FIL's
60th wedding anniversary. The word was that it wouldn't be celebrated
because not all children and family members were able to attend a
great big celebration. So, it would be a quiet dinner for them
with limo ride, another couple (friends) and no family attending.
We sent our card, gift card, flowers and well wishes, and everything
good. The next thing I was told was that BIL #1, the one who
travels, wanted to visit, and the clan would make their usual rounds
visiting everyone with the usual stressers and attitudes already covered
in these stories ad nauseum. Boy, was I looking forward to that!!!
SIL called and chitchatted with me and asked me whether I was coming
to BIL's house. I declined, because I wasn't aware of anything
going on at BIL's house, and it has always been my firm belief that
if BIL, or anyone else for that matter, would want me at his house,
he would surely call me and invite me? The next thing I heard
was that DH was summoned over to BIL's house for dinner while the
ILs were visiting. The whole clan was there, and the presence
of the children was requested (only DH's with the ex's children).
Pictures were taken, with and without spouses. Group pictures.
Everyone was in a festive mood. The next day, BIL's work place
was toured, and DH's ex was greeted by family members whom I hadn't
even met yet. The same evening, everyone was together at BIL's
house again for dinner to celebrate, and my DH and "his"
2 children were the only ones from our side. My stepson actually
asked where I was (bless his heart). As people were heading
out, SIL called me and said that she was thinking about me?
A few weeks later, I was mailed newspaper excerpts covering the IL's
60th Anniversary that was celebrated at BIL's house in "name
of town", and I was the only one not invited.
Signed - Go Figure
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Frequent
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- lost and found, 4 of 4 needed, Posted:
12-MAY-07
The Chronicles of the Shunned. (Part III).
A few days back I wrote a story about my DD's wedding. It hasn't
been posted, so I will write again as it finalizes my Stories of the
Shunned, and really tips the iceberg concerning my IL woes.
My conclusion in researching this site and learning about others like
myself, and writing and reliving my own personal he!! with these toxic
people is a sad one. I have discovered that my DH never really
stood up for me, and probably never will. It saddens me to no
end, and I will need to make some decisions regarding my future, and
look into what my options are. It is very unfortunate that I
have stuck a lot of unselfish energy into this relationship.
Because of this, my DH of 16 years now has a nice degree, job, house,
life, grown kids, excellent outlook on custody for our youngest (he
is the breadwinner, and I am a legal alien with no skills).
There should be not one worry for him. He has all of his vicious
family by his side, lurking, advising, conniving and supporting.
This emerging troublesome wife (me) could easily be replaced by a
newer, younger version, or heck, maybe the former version may apply
as she is still a part of this saga. Never to mention, the hurdles
for me to start from scratch with no education, job, energy.
The power has shifted. But this wedding business is even for
peace-in-world-oriented DH a hard one to swallow. Even he has
to still grow a stomach for it. And here is the tale of that:
Regarding the wedding, I am writing all this to find some relief and
this is the current state of events to this date. My DD is getting
married. This is my DD. She was never accepted by MIL
or all the others like her, shunned and mistreated over the years.
DD doesn't have birthdays, no presents or mention of her any other
time, just the usual nastiness that so many kids have to endure from
those kind of self-centered bullies. My DH, who is her step-dad,
has always loved DD and treated her kindly. DD is 22 and wants
a wedding with family and friends. She planned it herself at
a ranch (BBQ, easy and cozy). Invitations went out. In
a nutshell, here is the breakdown of responses: Actual Projected
Attendance: Zero. Responses to the Invitations:
One (SIL actually called and choked out a congratulation wish).
She did not want to RSVP, as she was waiting for other events to unfold,
too early to commit. After a specific announced visit to their
house and some coaching on DH's and my part (what were we thinking?),
MIL bought a card with money and gave my DD a phone call to tell her,
"Congratulations," and that she and FIL would not be attending
the wedding. Through the DH grapevine, I heard that BIL (#1)
would not be able to make it to the wedding, but due to the fact that
he was traveling that he would see the nuptials the following weekend
at our house. He promised that he would make up for it, as his
trip involved other commitments and was planned way before DD's wedding.
Lo and behold, SIL called again to tell me that she could not RSVP
yet, but she wanted to know whether she could come the weekend after
the wedding, in case she couldn't make it to the wedding (WTF?).
She wanted to know whether we could put up a blowup bed. She
would be arriving with 4 people. BIL#1 wanted to visit the weekend
after the wedding for reasons mentioned above, and he did not want
to travel with 4 people, as previously arranged. But he wanted
to include MIL and FIL, bringing the total up to 6. Two days
before the end of the RSVP time, when SIL was still waffling around
the RSVP issue, I lost my temper and good composure and told her that
several of her family members and/or their significant others to this
date have not learned how to use a telephone. Even if people
could or would not make it to the wedding, they did not have the decency
to call and congratulate either DH or me, or my DD and/or her husband
to be. Two BILs (#2 & #3) called 10 minutes apart from each
other later on that night. I did not answer my phone, and neither
did my DH because we were at the emergency room being evaluated for
chest pains (DH). This chest pain issue kept us focusing on
more important things than that annoying wedding hoop dance.
For two days we were out of the loop, for I had to travel to my DH's
city of work (he has an apartment there during the week while he works,
and only comes home on weekends). We stayed at the hospital
for observation with cell phones off, and DH was found to have nothing
life threatening wrong with him. He will be checked out further
by his personal physician, details yet to be discovered. While
this was going on, the RSVP time had elapsed (total RSVP time given
was 30 days), and three of the hoodlums could and/or would not get
through to us. One of them (BIL#2) called my DD to congratulate
her. He said that they couldn't make it to the wedding, and
that was as a direct result of me blowing my stack with SIL, who probably
chewed them another exit hole, I guess the original plan was
to keep us guessing till the actual day? The other BIL (#3)
in question never bothered to follow up with DD. I guess congratulations
are NOT in order for my DD and/or us. Another invited niece
never responded, so, NO, no well wishes from there either. SIL,
after RSVP time had elapsed, still didn't know what to do? DH
grilled her (maybe he was getting annoyed???, oh wonder of wonders).
She eventually decided that she would come for DD's wedding to help
me out, but she cautioned us that her GC may fall sick and that she
may have to cancel and come a week later. That nerve.
Boy, am I counting on her. At the same time, I was advised by
SIL that I HAD to come to BIL#3's house (the same BIL who repeatedly
hired my DH's ex to spite me, and did not have the decency to congratulate/acknowledge
my DD's wedding, and to this day hasn't had the time to introduce
his new wife to me - they're together for 1 1/2 years). Yes,
I was cautioned that I had to appear at BIL's house so that everyone
could be together, the family, all of them. AHEM: How
about - Thou shall not invite guests to other people's homes?
More on that in part IV.
Signed - I Was Cautioned
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