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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
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Frequent
Fry HerTM
It's All About Them
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- It's All About Them/Posted: 19-MAY-03
DH got an email from FIL in February. It had
just one line, "Is there any way you would consider coming down
for your mother's birthday?" We haven't heard anything
from FIL in 6 months, and there was no "How are you? How
are the kids?". Nothing like that, just his demand.
DH responded, "There was no way I would consider it."
And, that was that. Then, we got another shipment of packages
for my youngest son's birthday in March. Now, we have told the
ILs that we won't be coming down there for visits, but they are welcome
to come here to visit the kids. However, the ILs have apparently
decided that they can't be bothered to do that. They just send
packages (they live 30 minutes away) on holidays, and think that they
are doing their part. But, here's my question: I accepted
the "shipping of present" thing on my others son's birthday
and Christmas because I thought that the feelings were just a bit
raw, and that the ILs would come to their senses and realize that
they needed to change if they wanted a relationship with DH and the
kids, not to mention me. But, I don't think that they want that
at all. But, apparently they feel that they are doing all they
want to do by just shipping presents. They always include cards
that have things like "Hope you can visit us soon" on the
inside, too, like they are just refusing to deal with the reality
of what we told them. SO, now I am feeling manipulated by their
present-giving. My gut feeling is that I should just refuse
the next shipment and let them stew about that. Maybe I am overreacting,
but their presents feel like digs at DH and me, and I resent being
a party to their sick interpretation of what being a grandparents
is all about (PRESENTS!!!). MIL actually told DH, in the nasty
email that she sent, "the grandkids will know, someday, that
they have grandparents who love them." HOW?? They
won't visit them, so are they supposed to know that they love them
because they send gifts?? Personally, I find that distasteful,
and totally at odds with the values we are trying to instill in our
kids. So, what should I do? DH is pretty much behind the
idea, although he feels badly about stirring things up again, and
I can sympathize. But, really, what do we have to lose at this
point?
Signed - What Do We Have
to Lose?
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- It's All About Them, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 3-MAR-03
OK, so we got through DS's birthday relatively unscathed.
Now came Xmas. DH and I didn't talk about it much, we were wondering
how long this would all go on. The good thing is that DH is
now able to compare his parent's behavior to his own. "Hmm,
would I NOT SPEAK to my child for 6 months because they wanted to
set the ground rules for their family?" "Would I REJECT
my child because they chose to put the needs of their wife and children
above my own?" And, he is seeing just what a couple of
sickos he grew up with as parents. He is remembering more about
his childhood, too. For years he said that he simply didn't
have any childhood memories, but I was pretty sure that he just didn't
want to have any. Now, he is remembering some not so nice things.
I don't think that he was physically abused, but the emotional abuse,
the withholding of love, the conditional approval, it must have been
terrible. I really want to cry when I think of DH as a child
and what it must have been like for him. I want to KILL my ILs
when I think about my DHs' childhood. I want to beat them over
the heads with their errors, their cruelty. But THEY DON'T CARE!
It's always been all about them. My DH spent most of his childhood
in his room because his parents didn't want kids getting in their
way. My MIL prided herself on never having played with her children
(Oh, I'd never get down on the floor and play with a child).
I am grateful for my DH, but I wonder why the HE!! these monsters
had children. They didn't enjoy them. They were annoyed
by them, and certainly didn't allow them to have their own opinions
or even likes and dislikes. Everything revolved about the ILs,
and they think it still should!! MONSTERS!!!
Signed - It's ALL About
Them
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- It's All About Them, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 4-MAR-03
I ended up just ranting in that last post, and didn't
even get to Xmas, so here goes. DH and I were sort of holding
our breath, hoping we'd get through the holidays with more of the
silent treatment. And, we almost did. A week before Xmas,
we got a ton of packages from the ILs. Now, SIL didn't even
bother to send on her own. Her presents were included in with
IL's gifts. I am not going to go into the actual gifts, except
for the one for DH and I from the ILs. It was a wind chime called
"Peaceful Chimes", which I had a bit of a laugh over.
Peace, my @ss! But, again, no cards, no notes, nothing but some
gifts that were wrapped and marked for each kid. SIL sent some
homemade gifts for the kids (which is nice, we had been trying to
encourage homemade gifts amongst the adults for some time), but then
she sent for us several jars of cookie mix that were leftover from
last year (I know because the tag on the said "From SIL and SIL's-ex",
and she broke up with this person last year!!). Anyway, all
of these gifts came more than a week before Xmas, and if you knew
my ILs, you'd know that they wanted to leave enough time for DH to
feel guilty and contact them before the holidays. So I guess
the gifts were supposed to make everything OK. And then they
didn't have to deal with their behavior, and everyone could pretend
that everything's OK again. Well, forget it. First of
all, you can't take a cr@p all over someone and then give them a present
to make up for it. And, we are very serious about holding the
ILs accountable for their actions, finally! So, I totally considered
sending the whole damn lot back to them, postage due. But, I
realized that would just feed the DRAMA they so crave. DH was
wavering for a bit. He wanted to mail them some gifts because
they had given us something. But I said "NO WAY"!!
I said, if you want to give gifts, let's give them to someone you
like, someone who likes you, not someone who is giving you gifts to
try and manipulate your behavior and keep from having to deal with
their own actions. What do you do when you get a gift from someone
who hasn't spoken to you in 6 months? What we did was mail a
simple "thank you" card after the holidays. DH and
I went to bed around 8 PM on Christmas, as we'd had an exhausting
day. The next morning I checked the voice mail, and there was
a message from FIL and one from SIL, within a minute of each other.
FIL sounded DRUNK, and they had both called around 9:45 PM.
They both said that they were just calling to see how Xmas had been,
but I guess that they only wanted to ask DH about it. They didn't
care to speak to the 3 KIDS or anything since they were waiting until
they were sure to be asleep before they called. Can you imagine??
None of DH's family ever wants to talk to the kids. He!!, when
we used to go down to the ILs' house, they would watch the kids like
they were some weird exhibit in a zoo or something, and not spare
them a breath. They just keep talking about the places they
have gone or the things that they have bought. DH realized,
yet again, that they don't CARE anything about the kids. The
kids are just tools by which they try to get at DH. It is ALL
ABOUT THEM. It is all about controlling DH, bending DH to do
their bidding. The kids and I, we are just background noise
to that profoundly screwed-up group. They are all trying to
dance that same horrible dance that they have done all their life.
Thank GOD that DH has decided not to do it anymore.
Signed - DH Has Decided
Not To Do It Anymore
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- It's All About Them, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 5-MAR-03
OK, so we DID hear BOO from the ILs. Or, at least
we've gotten packages from them. Mind you, we haven't communicated
with them since August when DH and I sent them a letter setting down
some ground rules. To that they responded by saying that we
were crazy, and that we should get back in touch with them when we
rejoin reality (!!). My DS's birthday came along. A couple
days before that we got packages from them with gifts for him.
There was no explanation or note whatsoever. Also, we got a
gift for him from SIL. Although she was not addressed in our
letter to the ILs, dear MIL sent the letter to her for her input,
and she sent DH a nasty note saying that he was being cruel to his
parents, and that we should remember how much money the ILs have put
aside for our children's college (LIKE I should be extra nice to them
because they have money??!!??). Of course, this is the first
communication that DH has had from his sister in probably a year,
so go figure. She doesn't want a relationship with DH, just
an opportunity to get in on the DRAMA. I guess that I can't
expect much more from someone who grew up in that house and is still
so deeply enmeshed that they think the ILs' behavior is OK.
So, anyway, the funny thing was that when we gave the gifts to my
son, he didn't think that it was strange that they should just mail
him something (they live 30 minutes away). I guess it is because
he is used to seeing them rarely, and their behavior is weird in general
(drive-by visits where DH had to bring the kids out to the curb to
see the ILs, etc.). So, we just had DS send a thank you note,
and left it at that. We didn't want to feed the drama.
Signed - We Didn't Want
To Feed The Drama
( here is my story )
Per
the poster's request, no response necessary.
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- It's All About Them, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 6-MAR-03
Let me tell you about the first encounter that I had
with my ILs. DH and I got together in college, freshman year.
FMIL didn't like the idea of DH dating someone steadily (we had actually
moved in together after the 1st week, but SHE didn't even know that),
so she stopped sending him money. You have to understand - this
woman had all of the money DH had earned over the summer, like $1000
or so, and was supposed to send it to him monthly ("Oh, it's
so much easier than you opening your own bank account up there,"
YEAH right). Well, she didn't like what he was doing, but he
wouldn't stop. So, she stopped sending him money. DH would
call and ask for it, she'd say she would send it, but she never did.
DH appealed to his father, who told him to stop bothering him, and
then he'd hang up on his son. So, DH stopped asking for the
money, and that was that. Thank goodness his tuition and books
were already paid for, or she probably would have cut that off, too.
I should have seen the writing on the wall, and run!!! LOL.
Actually, it pissed me off so much that I was happy to share my own
money with DH so that he wouldn't ever have to crawl to them for anything.
I do love my DH, and in spite of all his family cr@p I feel that we
have made an excellent life together. But, I look back at that
and I am appalled. I guess DH was raised to believe that his
mom was within her rights to do that to him if she didn't like his
behavior. It's really sickening what people will do to their
children. In the years to come, DH made sure to keep his money
in his own bank accounts, and the ILs continued to pay for tuition.
But, just because they are such SNOBS, they would be mortified if
their child didn't have a college education. He!!, they coerced
DH into going to graduate school when he didn't even want to or need
to. And, when he found something that he loved to do, and left
without finishing, all they would do is criticize him, because he
didn't have that advanced degree. Never mind that he was happy
and successful, of course. They are SUCH JERKS! AGAIN,
all about THEM! How does it make them look? Are their
children fitting the mold they have cast for them? The cruel
irony is that they are so concerned about how things look to other
people, but they themselves are such vile individuals that they HAVE
no friends, and only associate with family members who put up with
their ugly tricks. So, WHO is it that they are so concerned
about impressing?? It's all fake, for show. They send
angry notes and don't communicate with us for 6 months, but then we
are supposed to all forget about it and give gifts??? NOOOOO!
WRONNNGGG! YOU ARE NUTZZZ!
Signed - It's All Fake,
For Show
( here is my story )
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- It's All About Them/Posted:27-DEC-02
We had a reception after my son's baptism at our home,
which was across the street from the church. My ILs came, but
the service had been very early in the morning. So, my "let's
all pretend that I'm not really an evil, abusive harpy", alcoholic
MIL apparently did not get enough time to drink what she needed to
maintain. So, while MY family had a nice brunch inside, my MIL
hung right off my front porch and vomited repeatedly into my flower
beds. It was the only honest gift that she ever gave me.
Signed - Free At Last
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- It's All About Them/Posted: 27-DEC-02
I have had to deal with my DH's manipulative and toxic
parents for over 18 years. DH and I met in college. We
have been together since, despite the machinations of my dreadful
in-laws. They are totally self-absorbed, self-centered people
who must have everything on their terms and at their convenience.
For years I tried to be "nice". For years I tried
to ignore how cold and uncaring they were to both DH and I, and how
drunk they both got at every family gathering. We spent many
holidays at their home, and we listened to their constant complaining
and snide comments about those holidays that we didn't spend there.
Not once in the first 10 years that we were together did his family
ever visit us at our home (we lived 30 minutes away). Then,
we had a baby. My in-laws made one visit to our home to see
the baby, then they expected all the rest of the visits to be at their
house. We visited, but less frequently, which brought plenty
of sulking and verbal abuse from them. Over the years, we had
two more children, and I can count on my hand the number of times
the in-laws came to see my children. Yet, we continued to come
when they called, whenever they made my DH feel guilty enough.
When they saw the kids, they showered them with expensive gifts, treats,
candy, and clothing (she gave my daughter 10 dresses one birthday,
in addition to 3 large presents), even though we have asked them repeatedly
to limit themselves to one present only. We are trying to teach
our children the value of money, and NOT to raise materialistic little
monsters!! The few times that they came to our house to see
the kids, they didn't even bother to get out of the car. They
pulled up out front and asked DH to bring the kids to them so that
they could give them more presents (again, against our wishes).
And, then, they left. Throughout it all, I kept saying to myself,
"It's his family. I should let him make the decisions about
our interaction with them." Well, something snapped in
me last year. My children are getting old enough to understand
what is going on, and to ask questions like, "Why won't grandma
and grandpa come to dinner? And, "Why don't they come into
the house?" I'm just not going to lie for them or pretend
that things are other than the way that they are. I've had enough
of their rude and disrespectful behavior. I realized that the
in-laws will never change. Why should they? Everyone in
their family allows them to be this way. I realized that I don't
have to do anything that I don't want to do. Neither does my
DH. We are free to choose who we interact with and when.
If we had friends that treated us like DH's parents do, we would have
dropped them YEARS ago. So, why do we allow this kind of treatment
to continue from people who profess to love and care about us?
Over the past year, DH and I have both done a lot of reading and soul-searching,
together and separately, about this issue. And, together we
wrote a letter to the in-laws letting them know that their behavior
was unacceptable. We explained to them (again) what the rules
were for our family, and we told them that we expected them to abide
by them. And, we said that if they wanted to visit the children,
they could do so at our house, inside for a proper visit (like everyone
ELSE does - is this too much to ask?). What we got in return
was an ugly, ranting and abusive response from MIL. It told
DH that he was crazy if he thought that he had the right to tell her
how to behave towards him or his family. She felt that we were
the ones with the problem, and that if we ever get back in touch with
reality, we should let her know. That was 3 months ago, and
we haven't heard BOO from them since. The sad thing is that
she probably really believes that we are the ones with the problem.
The happy thing is that we are now free. I feel like Atlas when
the world rolled off his shoulders. I wish that I had done this
18 years ago. But, back then I don't think that either DH or
I realized how bad they could get or how corrosive their influence
could be to our marriage and to our lives. If the ILs ever progress
to the point where they are willing to change their ways and work
with us to form a decent and respectful relationship, that will be
great. If they persist in being their usual loathsome selves,
that's OK too. I don't need people like that in my life, and
neither does DH. And, most especially, I don't want that for
my kids.
Signed - Haven't Heard
BOO From Them Since
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
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Working Women Don't Have Wives