Frequent
Fry HerTM April Wedding Age: 21 MIL Age: 47
Dallas, TX
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- April Wedding /Posted: 25-JUN-01
Where does she come up with this poop?! My new
MIL's latest thing is children. I have already figured out that
she can't stand "brats." My DH and I have only been
married for 2 months, and intend to wait quite a while until we start
thinking about children. We both want to finish school, buy
a house, and have a nest egg set up. MIL keeps saying that we
need to wait a long time to have kids - after we explain our plans
for the umpteenth time - because, "when your kids come, your
life ends." I hate this phrase. I think that a new
chapter of my life will begin. She always brings this up and
can't stand the idea that I love children and can't wait to have one
of my very own. She always talks about how horrible pregnancy
and labor is. Then you literally cannot do ANYTHING without
that child until they move out. I know that kids are a lot of
work and that the first years are going to be tough. But I don't
believe that my life will end! She blames her bad marriages
and lack of friends on her two kids. She also tells me every
time it's brought up, that she will never watch our child because
that is, "something that you choose to do, and you will have
to live with the consequences!" Guess what? FINE
BY ME!! I NEVER planned to leave my child with this hateful
woman! Anyone else have a similar story?
Signed - MIL's Latest Thing
Is Children
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 26-JUN-01
Honey, I hate to agree with a MIL about anything, but
she is right. Your life does end when you have a child.
Not that parenting doesn't have it rewards, it most certainly does.
It is just that you have such little sleep or personal time the first
few years. When you look back, you wonder how you ever did it.
If you have more than one child, you won't be able to go anywhere
without turning completely gray.
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 26-JUN-01
You may be misunderstanding her, and seeing her through
your colored glasses. Chances are she wants you to see that
kids are a commitment, rather than something you sandwich in between
all your life activities.
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 26-JUN-01
I am sure that makes your husband, HER SON, feel so
good about himself. If that were me, then I would have to make
a comment back to her about how that would hurt my husband's feelings
if he heard that - or does she say that in front of him?!?!?!
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 26-JUN-01
Well, try to look at it this way - at least you won't
have to worry about your MIL trying to get her hands on your kids
every chance she gets. My MIL is the opposite - she talks about
our kids as if they are already here, or going to be here any minute.
DH and I are a few years from having kids - we're not even near ready
to THINK about it yet, but she talks like it's a guaranteed fact that
we're going to have kids. How does she know WHAT we are going
to do when WE don't even know yet!! Well, I know something she
doesn't know - my DH and I are planning to move away, probably this
year. 1400 miles away, that is. 1400 glorious miles away
from her and any influence she hopes to have over our future children.
I do not like the way she raised her kids (my DH being the oldest),
and I don't like the idea of her brother (DH's uncle) being around
my kids either. MIL raised her kids with the idea that their
father (my FIL - they're 20 years divorced now) is the biggest @$$
on the planet (he's not - he's a good man, and he's been happily remarried
for over 15 years). And the uncle - OH BOY! What a jerk.
Just the other day, he was going on and on about how awful and terrible
gay people are, and how terrible it is for children to see "those
fruits" (his words, not mine!). Well, one of my sisters
is gay. That's just what I need, to have my kids hearing things
like that. Well, not on my watch! I want my kids to learn
to be open minded and accepting, not walking around using words like
"fruits" - especially when one of their aunts is gay.
I want my kids as far away from my DH's mom's family as possible.
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 26-JUN-01
I wish I could say that I have a story like yours,
but I don't. My MIL first said, "You have to wait at least
5 years before you have kids so you can make money." What
she really meant was, "so I don't ruin her son's life."
Believe me, that is what she meant - she's said other things to imply
that. Then she decides that we should have children now.
Make up your mind woman. Anyway, we are going to have children
when we want them, or when God blesses us with them. And we
look forward to it as well. Also, I don't want the cookie cutter
family (a boy and girl). I want either three or four.
My husband wants 3 or 4. MIL frowns on that and always says,
"As long as you have a boy first." OH do I pray I
have a girl first! I hope that when you do have children, you
enjoy your new and improved life (and be glad your awful MIL won't
baby-sit). Your kids will thank you!
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 27-JUN-01
My story is the exact opposite of yours. My MIL
was after us to have babies as soon as possible. I didn't care
if we had children, I have a daughter from a previous marriage, and
my husband didn't want children at all. We talked about this
a lot, and agreed on no kids. The in-laws came unglued.
My SIL can't have any more children (they have all girls), and my
BIL married a woman who has had her tubes tied. So I think that
the major thing was that there wasn't a boy to "carry on the
name". Plus, they blamed it all on me. We tried to
tell them several times that we wanted no children. Then DH
told them it was him who didn't want children. Well they just
couldn't believe it. My DH even told her that to her face in
front of me and she just kept muttering over and over, "I don't
believe it. I don't believe it. It has to be that b!tch.
She doesn't want to get fat." Unbelievable!! Well
they kept after us for about 5-6 years about when was I getting pregnant.
I quietly checked into the hospital and had my tubes tied. We
kept it a secret for a while, waiting for the right time to tell them.
Well we waited until my BIL was on a roll again about me getting pregnant
(and, at that time, I was a b!tch and a whore) and I told him that
we didn't want to ever hear about it again because my tubes were now
tied. Boy did he ever get red and shut up fast. He was
b!tching about this at a party in front of all our friends, they were
all looking at him like he was crazy. He sure left fast after
I said that, and everyone was just shaking their heads and laughing
at him. As for grandchildren, you can't win for losing.
I'm sure if we would have had one child and it was a girl, they would
have b!tched about having another until they got their boy to "pass
on the name".
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 27-JUN-01
That's kind of unusual - we have the opposite problem.
We DON'T want to have children, but my MIL LOVES children, and I hate
to think how it would be if we did have children. She'd be all
over us, and especially them, like a bad cold. She has a real
gushing, effusive personality (and she's great with kids), and I am
shy and insecure. I'd be a wreck with her watching me and comparing
me unfavorably to her "woonnnnderful" self! But your
MIL really is being negative. I think it's GREAT that you want
to have kids, and feel the way you do. You're lucky that she
won't be all over you like some of the other MILs complained about
in this post. But she sure ought to keep her mouth shut and
stop being so negative and discouraging - you don't need that.
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 27-JUN-01
I need to respond to your MIL and to the first poster.
Sure, kids are a ton of work, you are responsible for them every day
beginning with conception (the woman especially), giving and sacrificing.
I have given up so much. I have a college degree and gave up
my career to be home with my children. I do home childcare so
I can work, earn an income, and be home with my children. My
first born is entering jr. high, and my other is in 3rd grade.
I still feel a need to be here when they go to school and come home.
I am around them all the time, and it does get frustrating.
I sacrifice much and they cost a lot. But they are the best
thing that ever happened to me and my life. There is nothing
that I could have that could replace them, there is no one I love
more, and they love me so much! Sure, I have days I can't wait
'til they are grown up, and yes, I have some gray hairs which I cover
by highlighting my hair. I really think my husband has caused
more of those than my children, and I KNOW my MIL has caused the majority
of them. You can still have friends and a life of your own and
have children. I feel for your husband, and I feel for the 1st
poster's children if she has them! To be raised with mothers
such as them is a sad thing! I hope they have turned out with
more compassion and love for others than their mothers!
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 27-JUN-01
I have to respond to the poster who calls 2 children
(a boy and a girl) a cookie cutter family. I just have to tell
you to think about what you say. I have a boy and a girl, the
boy being the oldest, and I know I am labeled as having the "perfect"
family. Well there is a story. My middle child was also
a girl. I was full term, overdue by a week, when I went to the
hospital to deliver and there was no heart beat. It hurts me
deeply to have ignorant people refer to me as a "cookie cutter"
family or the "perfect" family, and I just want you to think
before you make statements. Not everything is always as it appears.
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 29-JUN-01
This is to the June 27th poster who "felt"
for my children. I am the first poster to respond. I am
glad you feel for my children, since I am a stay at home mother of
3 children under 4. I am home ALL DAY, EVERY DAY to care for
my children. I gave up my career ALSO to be home with my babies,
since monetary gain is not my priority. Why don't we, as women,
get real and be honest with ourselves? Taking care of infants
and toddlers is the HARDEST work I have ever, ever had to do in my
life. Why don't you read this week's issue of Newsweek?
There is an interesting article in the Opinion section. To sugar
coat raising children as this wondrous experience with no downfalls
is plain poo-poo. All, and I mean ALL of my good friends with
children have talked about how hard it is, and how we have no lives
now, compared to what they were. If you are doing the same things
you were doing before children, then I FEEL for your children in a
big way. Perhaps you have forgotten what it is like to be home
with an infant? When is there time to socialize? If you
had time to socialize when you had an infant, then you must not have
been there for them in the way a mother needs to be there for her
child. How dare you attack my parenting! Was it because
I said that being a parent is hard? Well, if you think it is
such a bed of roses, why do you have only two children who are "quite
a few" years apart? Why not 7 or 8 Ms. Mother of the Year?
You don't like the assumptions I have made about you from your post?
Then don't make them about others when you have NO IDEA about their
situation. You may also want to look into something called a
divorce if after all the years you have been married, your husband
is the cause of all your gray hair. Did I take that out of context???????
HOW DOES IT FEEL?
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 29-JUN-01
Ahem. Warning bells are going off. I'd
like to respond to the poster who insists, "I have given up so
much for my children. They're the best thing that ever happened
to me. Nothing could ever replace them." I observe,
only from the limited information in your post, that you have the
potential to be an invasive parent and an IL with issues later.
You're a dear mom, I'm sure, and your devotion is to be commended
- to a point. With all this sacrificing, are you going to be
expecting a "Payback" from your children in the long run
(how can you not, when you've given up SO MUCH)? Are you going
to resent some man or woman for "taking away" your kid when
he/she gets married? I find it interesting, too, that you don't
mention your husband until very deep into the post, and only to refer
to him as a troublemaker. If you're all living together, your
children can certainly sense that you hold him in lower esteem than
they. If I was the father, I would resent this. If I were
the kids, I'd bask in the glow of your love and devotion, but I probably
would feel tremendous guilt for taking away attention from dad and
not fully appreciating "how much" mom loves me (which might
be a burden to them occasionally). In fact, it would be kind
of scary to have this awesome responsibility of not disappointing
mom, and maintaining her fragile dependence, and needing to be there
for her. This is a classic setup for emotional incest, which
can cause the children lots of guilt, pain, and conflict later in
life when a parent relies on the children to fill their emotional
needs. Don't get me wrong, having children is all well and good,
as long as we're not expecting to call them OURS forever, or expecting
them to thank us eternally by doing our bidding. They didn't
ask to be had, you know. Then again, maybe you were just exaggerating
a bit to make a point in your post, and the situation is not as severe
as it seems. Anyway, as a DIL with a grandchild-hungry MIL and
FIL, I applaud anyone who sticks to their guns when they say they
don't want kids. Carrying on the family name should not automatically
require you to become a "breeder". My FIL said he
wanted grandchildren during H's and my engagement dinner, when both
sets of parents met for the first time. My dad doesn't usually
get surprised, but this just about dropped him, my mom later told
me. At the table, I thought about saying, "Gee, FFIL, I'm
already three months along. Why else do you think your boy has
to marry me next year?"
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 29-JUN-01
I must say that I disagree with your MIL about your
life ending when you have kids. I had my son right before I
turned 20. I was a single parent, and none of my friends had
kids. On Friday and Saturday nights, while my friends were out
having a good time, I was at home playing cops and robbers.
I had a small play center with a slide in my living room, that I would
get stuck in chasing my son. I had a blast, and really didn't
miss going out with my friends. I'm now about to turn 25.
My son is 5, and I have a daughter that will turn 1 next month.
My fiancé goes out with our friends one night a week (usually
on the weekends), and Saturdays are our family days, where we do something
specifically for our children. I love coming home every day
to play with my kids. My life isn't over. When you have
kids, you get to do all of the things that you loved to do as a kid.
And don't ever underestimate how fun it is to climb through the play
centers at McDonalds (unless you get caught).J
I personally feel that life gets much better WITH kids. Although
it's true about the lack of sleep part, but that's not such a big
deal once you get used to it. Good luck!
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 29-JUN-01
Your life does NOT end when you have children.
Your life CHANGES. Children add another dimension to your life
with your husband. It enriches your relationship - they are
an extension of your love for each other. Things can get frustrating
and busy, but they are, by far, the best days of your life.
I wouldn't trade a minute of my life with my 8, 6 and 4 year olds
for anything in the world. As a stay-at-home mom, I try to treasure
every moment while they are young, and will enjoy seeing them grow
into young adults. Don't let anyone tell you that children are
an end to the good life - it will be what you choose to make it.
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 30-JUN-01
I think it's sad that some people think "your
life ends" when you have kids. I'm in the thick of the
terrible twos right now and let me say, I wouldn't give this up for
the world! Yes, your life changes, but as you said, it's a new
chapter, not the end! If you actually enjoy children, it's wonderful!
Anyway, good luck to you J.
RESPONSE: MIL's Latest Thing Is Children
Posted: 6-JUL-01
I totally hear you, only I have the opposite problem.
My MIL wants grandbabies so badly, and I was just diagnosed with PCOS
(polycystic ovary syndrome). So I can't have kids unless I take
infertility drugs. DH and I want to wait to see what we can
do to take care of the immediate health problems and make sure we
can have ONE healthy baby (hopefully not multiples with drugs).
MIL is extremely disappointed that we have "given up" on
ourselves and have resigned to NEVER have a baby, especially because
we're not getting younger (I hardly think 24 and 25 is getting too
OLD to have a baby!). She doesn't understand what's wrong with
me, and she won't listen when I try to tell her about PCOS.
She wants grandkids, and that's that. So my point is this:
Who the heck does MIL think she is to control and influence her kid's
fertility? If MIL does or does not want grandkids, tough patooty.
It is not her decision. BTW, what kind of woman declares children
the root of all evil in front of her own son? Duh.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- April Wedding /Posted: 20-JUN-01
Well, the wedding is over. My DH and I have settled
into our lives. There's still just one problem. MIL and
SIL. Both refuse to come over to our house if they need something
(that's slightly reassuring, knowing that we won't have any unexpected
drop-ins.) We ended up going to their house once a week for
the first month we were married. I finally put my foot down
to my DH and said that if he wants to go, fine. I WON'T.
I will not be put out of our new home another Saturday just so I can
go and listen to them complain. We brought the pictures of the
wedding over. They glanced over them and never spoke of them
again. My MIL hasn't even let us know if she wants any.
I know that this constant quiet from them may seem like heaven to
most. Here's the catch. Every single conversation with
these women deals with how I stole their son/brother away and how
they never hear from him. Why is it only our job?!
RESPONSE: Why Is It Only Our Job?!
Posted: 23-JUN-01
That is exactly how my future MIL is about our whole
situation. The whole world only revolves around his (DH's) life.
And somehow I am always left out, or I hear rude comments exit her
mouth. I have told my fiancé that I refuse to visit her
and her horrible attitude. But that does not seem to help at
all. I still get suckered into a visit with her. I have
started to realize that the only way to get through to her is to treat
her as she has treated me. I have not had the opportunity yet,
but I really can't wait to lash out at her. If I don't have
any feelings and don't deserve the respect that that I have always
given her, then neither does she. This is the only advice I
have been able to give to myself about her behavior. My family
is not to happy about this situation with her behavior either.
I almost feel as though I am fighting for her acceptance, which is
something that most MILs will never give you. Do you have any
solutions yet??
RESPONSE: Why Is It Only Our Job?!
Posted: 23-JUN-01
Your story brought back memories of my wedding day.
It was 12 years ago. My ML told me that she was going out shopping
for a dress for the wedding. She laughed and told me that she
was going to "buy a black dress." I laughed too, as
our relationship at the time was good, and I had no reason to worry.
Anyway, a few days later, while at her house, she ushered me into
her bedroom where she carefully laid out the dress she had bought
on her bed. It was unavoidably a wedding dress - white, ruffled,
and while not full length, nonetheless a wedding dress. How
about this story? I didn't know whether to laugh or what.
So I just stammered, "Ah, oh, what a pretty dress."
To this day, in wedding pictures, and in my mind's eye, she looks
silly. It was more the fact that she did not see what she was
doing (psychologically speaking) that got to me. I have a lot
more to say about her that doesn't necessarily fit as a response to
this letter. Regards.
RESPONSE: Why Is It Only Our Job?!
Posted: 24-JUN-01
Tell them to get their own man and stop whining about
how you stole their precious son/brother away, because you're sick
of hearing about it. Another solution, avoid them. Case
closed!
Posted: 25-APR-01
Monday was my fiancé's birthday. His
sister's was last month. On his sister's birthday, his mother
took the day off, got her three rather expensive presents, and took
her out to dinner. We were ordered to go along, and just went
for the free meal. On his birthday? He got one phone message
from his sister wishing him a happy birthday. She couldn't come
out and see him because her favorite show was on that night, and it
would be too late after that. We found out the next day that
she went on a spontaneous date that night after her show. His
mother didn't even call. He called her to remind her of the
rehearsal dinner at the end of the week, and she mentioned his birthday
as an afterthought. She said that she had gotten him a CD, and
he asked her to come over to the house. She hemmed and hawed,
and finally said that she didn't want to drive that far (15 minutes
away). So we went over the next day just to pick up the CD.
She giggled and acted silly and stupid because she didn't wrap it.
She then told us that she also reserved a DVD boxed set for us at
a local store. She has to pick it up later this week, but she
doesn't know if she can pay the remaining balance. I'll be DAMNED
if we will pay for the remainder of his birthday present! This
royally ticked me off. I can't believe that she can act like
this, and still complain about losing her little boy.
Signed - Still Complains
About Losing Her Little Boy
RESPONSE: Still Complains About Losing Her Little Boy
Posted: 30-APR-01
If I was in your position, I wouldn't have the
strength to keep my mouth shut when she complains the next time.
My response, "Since your little boy, who, in case you haven't
noticed, is a grown man, means so much to you, why didn't you want
to be bothered to drive 15 minutes to see him on his birthday?
I guess actions speak louder than words." Sorry, but I
wouldn't be able to keep it in. Best of Luck!
RESPONSE: Still Complains About Losing Her Little Boy
Posted: 2-MAY-01
Maybe it will amuse you to hear that I have
the polar opposite problem! My in-laws totally take over both
my birthday and my DH's. I WISH they couldn't be bothered to
come over - we'd be happy as clams. Instead, they insist on
descending on us, even though they aren't invited, and we'd love nothing
more than to spend a peaceful, quiet day. This web site has
helped me figure out how to regain control of our birthdays and NOT
have the in-laws just swoop in and take over. Privacy is sweet!
Posted: 26-Mar-01
I've written before about how my FMIL told me that
under no circumstances would she wear a dress to my wedding.
I had no problem with this, and found 9 or 10 beautiful pantsuits
that she acted like she loved. She came home yesterday and said
that she had spent too much money that day. I asked her what
she bought. She said, "The dress for your wedding!
I guess I can endure it for a couple of hours." ARGH!!!
I've just decided to let it go. Here's another clothing story.
My FSIL has shown me what she will be wearing to the wedding.
Keep in mind that she is serving the bride's cake and will be in many
photos. She brought out a FIRE ENGINE RED outfit! My entire
wedding is done in pastels because it is right after Easter.
The tight chiffon skirt at least goes down to the tops of her knees.
Then there is a matching red chiffon wrap top with a severely low
cut front and split sleeves. She will be wearing red, strappy
platform sandals with this outfit. It would look wonderful if
she were going clubbing, but for an afternoon wedding done totally
in Easter Egg pastels?
signed -
Fire Engine Red?
RESPONSE: Fire Engine Red?
Posted: 27-Mar-01
Your SIL will look like a joke at your wedding, and
she won't even know how ridiculous she looks. In her mind, she
probably thinks she looks great. Personally, I would try and
ignore it, because I don't think there is really anything you can
do about it. It's her style, as tacky as it might be.
It's her way of feeling attractive. But if it really bothers
you, then why not discretely tell her that you think she might look
too flashy for your particular ceremony, and that you, after all,
are supposed to be the center of attention. It's your day, not
hers. Maybe try saying it so that it almost sounds like a compliment,
and that you're afraid she'll get all the attention. You could
ask if she could tone it down a bit for you, just for that day?
See how she responds. Your SIL doesn't have to be your best
friend, and you don't always have to agree with her. So just
be yourself. You're marrying her brother, not her. It's
up to you how important these things are, and where you want to put
up the walls. You decide.
RESPONSE: Fire Engine Red?
Posted: 9-APR-01
I had a similar experience with my SIL. What
it comes down to is that she is jealous of you. You will be
the bride, dressed in white. All eyes will be on YOU.
What better way can she get attention! Ignore her, and have
a good time. She's going to look ridiculous.
RESPONSE: Fire Engine Red?
Posted: 10-APR-01
I had to cringe when I read this story. When
I was younger, in my 20s, nobody had ever told me the colors not to
wear to weddings (to this day, my husband occasionally teases me by
asking, "Were you born in a barn?"). To one cousin's
wedding, I wore black (though I hear that is ok now). To another
cousin's wedding, I also wore bright red. I cringe to think
of it now (especially because I never wear bright red at ALL anymore
-- I'm really a shy person). It was a very sophisticated wedding,
and I must have made a fool of myself -- the "country cousin."
I also wore thick gray tights with the bright red dress. What
was I THINKING???!! (Was your MIL born in a barn, too?
Maybe she's from Hicksville, and just doesn't have a clue -- like,
I'm sorry to say, I was). She WILL look ridiculous and obnoxious
-- your guests will feel sorry that you've inherited such a MIL!
3/3/01
I found a couple of beautiful pantsuits for
my FMIL. When I showed them to her, she said that she had found
some prettier things. So she showed me the catalog. FOUR
DRESSES!!!!!!!!!!!! She just wants something to complain about! 3/3
signed - FOUR DRESSES!
1/24/01
OK, How am I supposed to handle this?
My fiancé has a crazy mother, and an even crazier half sister
who lives with them. They are both horribly bigoted. They
freely use the N word, and are always talking about how African-Americans
are, "freeloaders and drug dealers". The people that
live around their apartment are from Iraq and Iran. They call
them "The Terrorists", and are constantly scared that they
are going to bomb the complex. His mother, especially, talks
about how the women should stand up to their men and not wear the
traditional headgear, and about how this is America and they should
act like Americans. OH GOSH! I'm an Anglo, but I truly
take offense at this. Last time we were watching TV and a biracial
couple came on the screen. The sister turned it off and they
both started talking about how it just made their skin crawl, and
how awful it would be if they had babies. I finally spoke up.
My cousin has a mixed race baby, and she is a beautiful child.
It shut them up for a while, but they just kept talking after I left
the room. I don't want this kind of talk in my home. What
is the best way to handle this? 2/14
signed - I Don't Want This
Kind Of Talk In My Home
RESPONSE: I Don't Want This Kind
Of Talk In My Home
From your story, it sounded like your fiancé
lives with his mom and half-sister, and that this incident took place
in their home. If that's the case, then I would recommend that
you spend as little time at their house with them as possible.
As offensive as you may find their opinions, it is their house and
they are free to express them. If they try to draw you into
their conversation, simply look at them calmly and tell them you don't
agree. If they know you object to their opinions, they may try
to rattle you or draw you into an argument. Don't let them.
Now, when they come to YOUR house, things are different. If
they make comments that you find offensive, tell them calmly that
you are not comfortable talking about that and change the subject.
Do it as often as necessary until they get the hint. If they
get defensive, tell them that you respect their right to their opinion,
but that you don't agree with them and don't want that kind of talk
in YOUR home If they won't respect your wishes, don't invite
them back. The important thing is to take the high road and
maintain YOUR dignity and stay in control. You don't say anything
about where your fiancé stands on these issues. Is he
racist too? Does he somewhat agree with his mother and sister,
or does he feel as you do? If he doesn't, that makes things
much more difficult. You can't exactly ask them to observe rules
in your home if your husband doesn't observe them himself. You
and your fiancé need to discuss this and agree on the rules
of your home, and make sure you apply them to everyone (in other words,
you can't demand that they act one way and let another friend or relative
of yours get away with similar behavior). It would be best if
you let your fiancé/husband tell them the rules and stay out
of it! They may blame you anyway, but at least there will be
no question that you are a united front. Good luck! 2/15 RESPONSE: I Don't Want This Kind Of Talk In My Home
It is very, very sad that these types of people
still exist in so-called liberal America in the twenty first century.
I hope you try to convince these people to think otherwise by making
them, perhaps, look at the humanity of people overall, regardless
of race, religion, or their national origin. Maybe it is not
their fault that they think the way they do. I am sure their
childhood environment and their upbringing played a role. The
fact that the daughter agreed with the mother only confirms how upbringing
plays a large role in bigotry and racism. I hope that your husband
was not influenced by his mother's thinking. If he were, I am
sure you are capable of teaching them all that people are the same. 2/16 RESPONSE: I Don't Want This Kind Of Talk In My Home
I'm sorry, but you have the right to be outraged,
and should act accordingly. However, I am more worried about
any future children you and your husband will have. Fight like
hell to make sure that kind of influencing talk isn't used around
them. No child deserves such ignorance! 3/3
1/24/01
Our invitations came in last week. We
brought them over to my Fiancé's house because I have very
curious animals at my home. His mother came in and saw us pulling
them out and looking at everything. She frowned and said, "What's
in the box?" I told her that it was the invitations.
I handed her one and she read it. Then, she handed it back to
me and said with a sigh, "I guess you're really serious about
this." Then, she told us again how young we were and how
we should just wait another 5 or 6 years. I'm really getting
sick of being told that we are too young! 1/24
signed - Sick Of Being
Told We're Too Young
RESPONSE: Sick Of Being Told We're Too Young
Good Luck dealing with your FMIL. I was told that we were too
young (both of us in our late twenties) by my MIL. 99 would
be too young for her, as she simply can not cut the cord. Now,
we are expecting our first baby - guess what? We are "too
young". My MIL simply does not deal with reality very well.
It sounds like yours does not either. My advice ... AVOID HER
AT ALL COSTS. Don't try to be her friend. Don't EVER open
up to her. And NEVER give her ANY details or news that she could
use against you. Allow your husband to visit her, if he wants,
but don't ever let her think that you are obligated to her in any
way. Women like this take advantage of the situation, believe
me. Keep me posted. I'll keep reading your postings too.
You can do it. Dealing with MILS can be fun, if you have the
right person to complain with!!! J 1/25 RESPONSE: Sick Of Being Told We're Too Young
Do what you want to do. Nowhere does it say that a couple has
to be in their twenties to get married. I'm a mother of a 19
year old that's getting married in Sept. of 2001. I am helping
to plan and pay for part of the wedding. Have a happy marriage.
It is said in the bible that it is better to marry than to burn. 3/24
1/10/01
I knew that it was too good to be true.
My FMIL has started again. Just a little at first. My
fiancé and I are planning and paying for our wedding. No help
from any of the families financially. I'm having fun!
I am doing all of my own decorations, and making CD's of all of the
music we will use. Just yesterday I found a WONDERFUL recipe
for a wedding cake that is a little difficult, but fun. I expressed
my interest to my fiancé and he thought that it sounded great. (He
loves my cooking and I really enjoy it!) When my FMIL heard
us talking about it, she freaked! She kept saying how it would
just be a disaster, and how she would rather just pay the money and
not have to worry about it. I said that cakes are expensive
and that I would enjoy doing this. She just acted like the world
was ending. But it only lasted for a bit. An hour later
I said something about the wedding invitations to her, and she changed
the subject. Every time that I mentioned the wedding, she did
this. It's exactly how she was acting before. She's clammed
up again. Then came the jabs. "I'm so glad you aren't
going on a honeymoon. My Angel just can't afford it." (We're
staying at home and locking ourselves in the apartment. She
thinks it's a week off to be with family.) "Did you get
your dress yet? Oh, right, you had to special order the big
size. Mine was made just for me, and it was easier because I
was so small then." (She is a large woman now, and knows that
I am very sensitive about my weight.) "Are you going to
take your dog? You know that my Angel is allergic to dogs.
I guess he'll just have to get a good doctor." (My fiancé was
the one who picked my dog out, and insisted on getting him!
He's never had an allergy.) "I just think that you two
are too young. Why not postpone it for a couple of years?"
(I am 21 and my fiancé is 26!) This is getting ridiculous.
My fiancé and I bought a computer and are using it at his house now.
His mother never touches it. If she does, she has to have him
sitting right beside her, because she just gets, " so confused
with this new technology." She uses a computer at work!
When we were talking about moving, she said that she was really going
to miss the computer. She then asked my fiancé if, when he got
on the computer, could he call her and ask if she needed to order
anything off of the internet. I jokingly said that if he called
whenever he was on the computer, he would be calling every night.
She looked at me and said, "Well, he's going to do that anyway."
My fiancé and I just blew this off. I know that there will be
a showdown about the calling sometime. I also know that I will
win it. Luckily, my fiancé still stays strong. He knows
what his mother plays, and he stands up for me. I was just so
excited because I thought that things were getting better. 1/10
signed - Was Excited -
Thought Things Were Getting Better
RESPONSE: Was Excited
I think you are very mature for your age, though 21 is awfully young.
You are doing a great job of graciously handling your MIL without
getting petty. Good for you! Keep it up! 1/11
1/3/01
My fiancé's grandfather died in December.
My FMIL has been taking care of him and her mother for the last couple
of years. When I told my mother what happened, she told me to
go and help my FMIL as much as I could. So I did. I listened
to her talk. I helped her with phone calls. I supported
my fiancé. Now ... wonder of wonders ... she likes me.
Holy Mother of God, she likes me. I still don't know what to
think. I don't know how long it will last, and I still have
to call her Mrs. ******, but it is finally getting better. She
has acknowledged the wedding, and is actually starting to warm up
to the idea. She still claims that we are too young, and still
lets me know that she is NOT wearing a dress, but she is also encouraging.
Hang in there! Sometimes it gets better!
signed - Sometimes It Gets
Better!
RESPONSE: sometimes it gets better
Don't bet on it ! 1/4
1/3/01
This is ridiculous. My FMIL has done
it again. I KNOW that she has had a hard life. I KNOW
that she gets no help from her siblings. I KNOW that her father
and mother and daughter are going to give her so much stress she's
going to have a coronary. Do we have to talk about this every
single day? My fiancé and I are trying to plan our wedding.
Everything we do seems to remind her of some disaster. e.g."Don't
invite Aunt So&So. She the one who insulted my precious
son when he was 9, and I've never forgiven her. Do you know
what she said ... " She also feels compelled to remind
us, whenever we bring up the wedding, that there is no way we're going
to get her to wear a dress. I know this, and I've been scouring
stores looking for a nice pantsuit. I don't care! It's
a casual afternoon wedding! But it's like she thinks I'm going
to throw a hissy if she doesn't wear a ruffly pink party dress!
signed - Ruffly Pink Not
Mandatory
RESPONSE: Ruffly Pink Not Mandatory
The next time your FMIL declares that she's not going to wear a dress
to the wedding, look thoughtful, mention that it IS a casual afternoon
wedding, and tell her that maybe you'll look for a nice white pantsuit
that would go well with a veil. 1/4 RESPONSE: Ruffly pink not mandatory
I know exactly where you are coming from. Our FMIL's must be
identical psycho sisters. My wedding was just 2 months ago.
My MIL wasn't even going to attend. My BIL didn't want his brother
to be upset, so he paid her way to the wedding. She would only
come if he gave her the money to come!! AND THEN, she insisted
that he pay for her hotel room! And food! And rent a car
for her! She not only was a complete nightmare, but she didn't
even bring a gift! She told my SIL not to bother coming, so
she didn't come! It didn't even faze her that we had just spent
hundreds on her wedding! She and her husband sent us one of
their recycled wedding gifts. We now have a crappy piece of
plastic that will be sent back to them as an anniversary gift!
Like mother, like daughter I suppose! More like the bathtub
and the scum ring! 1/6
1/3/01
I am the poster of "5 more months"
on 12/09/00. My FMIL and I seem to get along on the surface,
but I know what lies underneath that fake smile. I am taking
her one and only son. Her lifeline. Her only sanity.
He's 26 years old, for cryin' out loud!!! We got engaged this
past October. She was the first one we told. She smiled
and said all of the right things. It was like a recording. (Imagine
congratulating a long lost acquaintance from middle school on their
engagement.) I then noticed a real change in her after that.
She never told any of her friends at work. She didn't tell her
parents. I thought parents liked to brag. (My mother told
grocery clerks and telemarketers.) Nothing I said was ever right.
She would loudly interrupt me and tell me why I was so wrong.
If my FH came in the door, she would get up and greet him warmly with,
"Hi Angel! How was work," etc. Then she would
see me come in after him and it would be, "Oh. Hello."
Her son and I have been dating for 3 years and I still have to call
her Mrs. ******. I just want her to acknowledge the fact that
a wedding is going to happen in April, and she can't make it go away
by ignoring it.
signed
- Wedding Will Happen In April
RESPONSE: Wedding will happen in April
My MIL never wanted me to call her Mrs. ****** - she's not like that.
She prefers just to be called by her first name, which is fine.
BUT, there's no way in hell I would ever call her Mrs. ****** anyway.
Being married to her son makes ME Mrs. (same last name). She's
not even married to my FIL, and hasn't been for a very long time (just
kept his name). Assuming that your MIL and fiancé have the same
last name, you're about to become the next Mrs. ******, so you have
every right to stop calling her that if you want to. If she
has a different last name, though, that's probably a little different.
If she wishes to be called Mrs. *different name*, well it's rude since
you're going to be in the family, but if that's the way she is, it's
probably not going to change.
I think things like that are the MIL's way of letting you know that
they don't consider you part of the family, that they consider you
to be less important that you actually are. When I first met
my MIL, she wasn't terribly mean or anything, but there were several
instances of her trying to keep me in my place, and that place was
anywhere other than in their family.
My DH and I tied the knot just over 2 months ago. Between then
and now, several of my in-laws have told me, "Welcome to the
family," and that they were glad to have me. ALL of those
were people on my FIL's side. (as I said, MIL and FIL are divorced)
MIL's family (except for MIL's sister, whom I love a lot) is very
selfish about themselves, and for a long while I felt like an intruder
with them. FIL and his wonderful family have more than made
up for that, though. 1/4
11/24/00
I LOVE this website! It's such a relief
to have a forum to vent!! I am getting married in April to a
man that I have been dating for 3 years. He lives with his divorced
mother and his half sister. (Different dads.) How many things
can go wrong? Let me count the ways. His mother has been
through two very nasty divorces. My fiancé's dad left her for
another woman. (Can't say I blame him!) Just a year ago, my
fiancé began speaking to his dad. We kept it from his mother,
because we knew that it would be hard for her. She knows now
that they have been talking. What she doesn't know is that he
and his new wife are coming to the wedding. We're going to have
to ease her into that one. I have only heard bad stories about
this man. (All from her.) Then my fiancé began talking to him
and getting the other side of the story. He's actually starting
to get a little closer to his real dad! I hope she can be happy
for him, but I don't have any big expectations. Here's the kicker.
This explains how much she hates marriage. My FMIL and I were
sitting and watching 20/20. It was a story on at-home moms.
I said that this would be my dream job. (I have always wanted to be
June Cleaver.) To this she said, "Oh no, honey. You
can't do that!" Confused, I asked why she thought that.
She replied, "You have to 'CYOA'." I had never heard
this so I asked her to explain. (By this time my fiancé has gotten
curious and was listening.) She said that if I stayed home with
my child, then I would be left high and dry when my husband left me.
I was floored. I just said that I didn't think that was going
to happen. She just kept going on about how my skills would
be obsolete, and how I wouldn't be able to take care of my kids after
my husband left me. Finally I got fed up, looked right at her,
and in my sweetest DIL voice I said, "Well, I guess I'm the one
woman who doesn't have to worry about that because I'm marrying the
wonderful man that you raised yourself." (She's very proud.)
Signed - 5 more months
...
RESPONSE: This is a response to "5 more months."
Sounds like you have your work cut out for you with your soon-to-be
MIL! She already feels free to give you some advice with her
negative comments. You handled the situation very well with
your awesome comeback! I bet you can't wait for her future advice
on how to raise your kids and clean your house. She sounds like
the type!!! Best of Luck to you!!! 11/26 RESPONSE: 5 more months
Wow! You certainly floored her with that response. Keep
it like that, and don't think about her a minute more than necessary.
That way you stay unhurt, and sane. 11/30
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