Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- breadandbutterfly/Posted: 12-AUG-07
Things with the ILs have gotten much better, and there is hope for
further improvement. However, I just need to vent a little bit.
I don't have many friends with kids who can empathize with me.
I'm just so tired of every little detail in our life being up for
discussion. We are vegetarians, we only eat and buy products
that are organic and fair trade, and we don't watch TV. All
of these things, plus our financial, educational, and career decisions
are always being debated by them. Their arguments are always
the same. "Well, you watched TV when you were a kid, and
you turned out OK." "Well, you didn't eat organic
vegetables, and you turned out okay." Yea, but you know
what? People also used to think it was okay to smoke while you
were pregnant, and a lot of babies turned out okay, too. Does
that mean that I should go ahead and smoke cigarettes the next time
I get pregnant? Of course not! We, as humans, discover
more about our world and existence with time, and that's how we improve
our lives and the world for ourselves and for our children.
And, besides that, it's none of their business, and it should not
be up for discussion. DH tells them this over and over again,
and they're starting to get it. But, I still get so frustrated
sometimes when they start in again on something else. Thanks
for letting me vent.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- breadandbutterfly/Posted: 31-OCT-06
Our first baby is due any day now. The
baby will be too young to travel to either of our family's houses
for Thanksgiving this year, which made me kind of sad at first because
it will be the third year in a row that I won't be with my family
for the holiday (we lived in another state for the past two years).
My parents will be coming and spending a lot of time with us and the
new baby when he is born, so they will be going to spend Thanksgiving
with the rest of the family, as my dad can't travel down here too
much because of work and health issues. Well, there are only
5 people in DF's family. FMIL is crazy and is really challenging,
but she at least likes me. Besides, I get along great with everyone
else in his family and love them all very much. So, knowing
that it would mean a lot to DF, I suggested that he invite his mom,
dad, sister, aunt and cousin to come spend Thanksgiving with us.
I love to cook, and I want them to know that I value them as part
of our child's life (first grandchild on their side). Well,
FPILs have four dogs that my FMIL is absolutely obsessed with, to
a very extreme and unhealthy level. So they want to come, but
their concern was (of course) who will watch over the dogs.
They don't feel that they could find someone to watch them over the
holiday. So what was the solution? FMIL and FSIL will
come down and LEAVE FFIL BEHIND WITH THE DOGS!!! I think that
is so mean and selfish! FFIL is so excited to have a GS.
He is such a sweet man and has done everything to make me feel like
part of the family. I just think that is so selfish of FMIL
to make him stay home with no family on a holiday and miss out on
seeing his new baby GS. Plus, he keeps his wife in line, so
I was really banking on him coming. This would mean that it
will be 1 man (my DF) and 5 women (including me), on a holiday that
involves a lot of cooking, and a new baby. You see where I'm
going with this? I suggested that DF tell his mom to board the
dogs at the vet or a pet motel. He didn't think that she would
do it for her precious babies, but when I told him how unfair I thought
is was to his dad (and reminded him about how many women there would
be), I saw a light go on in his head and he said he'd talk to them.
I was thinking that my next tactic would be to tell DF that the invite
was for all or nothing. Do you think that's wrong of me?
I would just feel so bad for FFIL to be sitting home alone with 4
smelly dogs, instead of with his family.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- breadandbutterfly/Posted: 23-OCT-06
So the dreaded "Weekend of the Mothers"
rolled around. I spent hours cleaning the house to perfection,
despite my fatigue (iron deficiency and back problems), so that FMIL
would feel comfortable and have nothing to criticize. My mom
couldn't give a cr@p if the house was messy. We didn't have
a lot of kitchen ware, and one of our only two pots is a massive stew
pot that almost takes up the entire dishwasher by itself. Since
the dishwasher was full and running, and FMIL insisted on flying into
the airport that was over an hour drive each way (instead of the one
that was 5 minutes away) to save some money, I didn't have time to
unload the dishwasher and put the pot in. So, I rinsed it out
and put it in one side of the sink. It wasn't filthy, it just
hadn't been sanitized by the dishwasher. We went to pick her
up, and we had just enough time to get back to our house to meet my
mom when she drove in. But, of course, FMIL was hungry and absolutely
COULD NOT wait to eat. And getting a snack at the gas station
wasn't good enough. We had to find a place that she liked.
She kept asking if we wanted to sit down at a restaurant, and DF and
I had to remind her 3 times that my mom could be there anytime, and
we had to get back. Once again, the concept that other people
need to be considered evaded her. So, we got her food and kept
driving. The first lovely conversation piece was to criticize
and complain about how ugly and horrible the state that we lived in
was. "Why is there all this stuff built?" "Who
wants all this cr@p?" She kept comparing it to how nice
her boring, sleepy little town is, and she just went on and on.
I'm not ultra patriotic or anything, it just irritated me because
of all of the pressure she put on me to move to where she lived, despite
me telling her that I would be miserable because there would be no
way for me to pursue my chosen career there, and I just didn't want
to hear it. She also expected an answer from one of us each
time she repeated her pointless questions. Very annoying.
So she got off that subject and started going on about all of the
trouble that she went through to put a nursery together for the baby
at her house. We were supposed to be thrilled, but I was kind
of irritated because she had not offered to help us one bit with the
stuff that we needed for OUR house. Not that anyone is obligated
to help, but my family and friends provided us with everything that
we needed for that baby, and she spent a lot of time and money on
stuff for her house? Kind of weird, but whatever. Then
she went on about how proud of herself she was because she had saved
DF's cloth diapers, found them and bleached them. I'm sorry,
but I had to laugh because WHO SAVES 26 YEAR OLD DIAPERS????
They were for use at her house, by the way. She wasn't going
to give them to us, even though we needed more diapers. And
she went ON and ON to DF about how marvelous it was of her.
That's when she said it. The thing that made all of the warning
sirens go off in my mind. I had been listening quietly to her
and DF talk (I wasn't really included in the conversation), and this
is what she said to him (in a very loud bragging voice) that turned
me red,"Who can say that they wore their daddy's diapers?
OUR baby can! That's who!" Our baby? OUR BABY?
She wasn't saying "our" as in DF and me, she was saying
"our" as in DF and HER!!! I wanted to jump off a cliff
right there. Besides, I'm sorry, but NOBODY would brag about
wearing their parents' diapers. Not that it's bad, but it certainly
isn't something that ANYONE but her would take pride in! So
I was irritated, but I figured I'd just stay cool and talk to DF about
it later. We got back to our place (finally), and luckily my
mom and her dog were running late. They got there about 15 minutes
after we got back. The moms met and greeted each other very
happily, and it seemed nice. My mom's little dog got very excited
and started to play with our dog. My mom thought this was very
cute and got excited. I happened to just catch my FMIL giving
the most condescending and snobby facial expression, complete with
raised eyebrows and shifting eyes, about my mom getting excited.
That pissed me off. My mom is a little strange and can be quite
high pitched, but she's not dumb and she's very sweet. Then,
I was showing my mom around, and when we got back to the living room,
we couldn't find DF and his mother. I opened my bedroom door,
and she was lying in my bed having a private conversation with DF.
Kind of rude, as my mom and I were only gone for a minute. Well,
DF and I had made reservations at one of our favorite restaurants
because my mom really wanted to eat at. But that was too late
for FMIL to eat. We had to find some other place to suit her,
even though the rest of us really wanted to go. We ended up
driving around, not finding a good place until it was time for our
original reservation anyway. So I made an executive decision
that we were going to eat as originally planned. It was a fondue
place, and very nice. FMIL was very rude to our waiter, demanding
things of him and speaking to him in a degrading tone. For the
main course everyone picks the things that they want to eat, and everyone
shares a pot with sauce to cook it in. DF is a vegetarian, but
nobody else, including FMIL, was. My mom and I wanted to order
a meal with chicken and meat in it, which meant that it would be cooked
in the same pot that DF's vegetables would be in. DF didn't
mind because it was boiling, and he knew that he would not actually
be consuming the meat. But, for some reason, FMIL decided that
this was unacceptable for HER vegetables. She's not even a vegetarian!
DF is, and didn't have a problem with it. But MIL did??
It didn't make any sense. So, to compromise, I told her that
we would take turns. I was 8 months pregnant, but I would wait
for her to finish eating before I would cook my food. This would
allow her to be picky for no reason. DF was embarrassed, to
say the least. After the meal she then proceeded to insist of
paying half the bill (my mom insisted on paying the other half), and
then complained about the cost. Whatever! I just kept
telling her how nice of her it was and that I was grateful.
We got back to our place and she announced that staying at our home
(for the ONE night that she was there) would not be good enough for
her. Even though we had plenty of room and an inflatable bed,
that was not good enough for one night and we needed to take her to
get a hotel room because she had to have her own space. Fine.
I suggested a place that I had stayed at a couple of times.
It was cheap and clean, and we took her there. DF walked her
up to her room to help her get settled in. But when he went
to leave, she gave him puppy dog eyes, like she was going to cry.
He told me that she looked sad and scared (poor, poor thing - NOT).
So I told him to just stay with his mom. Well, she learned a
lesson about having to have her own way, because when they drew back
the blankets, the sheets were filthy! DF changed the sheets
and stayed with her until she fell asleep. Then I came to pick
him up so that he could sleep in his bed and not on the floor.
The next day, right before she left, she made sure to criticize the
fact that the big pot was in the sink. "Do you have a dishwasher?!"
I knew what was coming, because she was standing in front of the dishwasher
looking at it. DF said, "Yes." She answered,
"WELL, DO YOU USE IT?!" Okay. One huge pot (that
she gave us) was left out. Everything else was spotless.
What a nice way to say good-bye to your son. But, one good thing
did come out of the visit. She actually asks about me when she
calls now, after she asks about the dog. Thanks for letting
me vent. I know that she's not nearly as bad as others, but
I've been irritated at her for weeks.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- breadandbutterfly, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 29-SEP-06
This is the story of the first time that I met my FMIL. She
came to visit us a little after we found out about the baby.
First, she just couldn't believe that I actually wanted a girl!
That was annoying, but whatever. Then she had to mention quite
a few times the name (the boy's name) that she really liked and would
name him. 1. It was a hideous name and I would NEVER name
my child that. 2. It was a name that was very obviously
from her religion. My DF and I are from different religious
backgrounds, and neither of us practice or associate with the religions
that we grew up with. It just irked me because she really wanted
us to name our child something that only represented her family and
not mine, even though my family has done SO much more for us and our
unborn child. She then started trying to convince me to move
to her state. DF and I were living all the way on the other
side of the country, and were planning on moving closer to both of
our families, who both lived on the same side of the country.
It wasn't enough for her that we were moving a few thousand miles
closer, it had to be in HER state (remember, this was the first time
that she met me, too). I politely told her that as I am very
young and feeling very scared about being a mother, I really needed
to be closer to my own DM because she and I are very close and she
is my support system. Her answer was, "Well I CAN be a
support system." Um, yea, lady, I just met you and you're
going to be better than my own mother? Sorry, no. My DF
stands behind me 100% and supported us moving near my family so that
I have some comfort when I need it. So that wouldn't have been
so bad, except that she wouldn't drop it. During her five day
visit she said, almost every day, to either DF or me, "Maybe
you'll really like X State." I reminded her every time
that it wasn't about liking a place, because I liked where we lived
then. It was about needing my family and friends for emotional
support at a very scary time for me. Despite these annoying
pushes from FMIL, we had an overall nice time with her. This
was also despite my BIL's attempts to sabotage his DM liking me (he's
a whole other story). She left with both my DF and me feeling
pretty good. What started to bug me after that was when we found
out that we were indeed having a DS. Besides having to hear,
"I told you so," she also decided that she didn't really
like the name that we had picked out for him. She thought that
it was a girl's name. It isn't, it's a unisex name and we both
we really like it. We thought that it was perfect because it's
not a very common name, but it is a word that came from DF's family's
religion. Well that wasn't good enough for FMIL. She decided
to call up my DF with a list of names that SHE had picked out instead.
She never bothered to discuss them with me, THE MOTHER, just with
DF. I started to sense at this point that she might be a little
worse than I had thought. DF listened to her list, then reiterated
that he is OUR son, and we have already picked out a name. When
she protested, he said, "You should just feel lucky that it has
anything to do with "X religion" at all." She
didn't understand what he meant. Remember me? The mother
WHO IS NOT PART OF THEIR RELIGION?? So he reminded her that
my family isn't from her background and I could have insisted upon
a name from my family's religion, but I didn't. Instead, I agreed
to figure out a name that was related to their family background.
She knocked it off with the names after that. She really just
has a bad case of what I call "stuck in your own bubble".
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- breadandbutterfly, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 29-SEP-06
When DF and I found out that we were having
a baby, we live on the opposite side of the country from our families
and had started to have some real financial problems. We both
had commitments to fulfill before we could move to a more affordable
area of the country. My DM (who is the most awesome mother anyone
could ask for) had gone BEYOND bending over backwards for us.
DF's family helped too, but not nearly as much, and there was always
a long guilt trip followed by "we love to help, it's our job
as parents!" I actually really like these people and am
really grateful to them, but if there's always going to be an emotional
roller coaster when they offer to help, I would rather they just not
help at all. Anyway, so I found out that I was pregnant and
was really happy, despite being really young and broke. I couldn't
afford internet or a telephone, even though I worked 3 jobs, so my
mother bought me a cell phone and a very basic plan so that I could
keep her updated on the pregnancy while we got ready to move in a
couple months. Well, FMIL decided that this was an open invitation
for her to call it EVERY DAY to talk to her son. I barely used
the thing (I hate telephones) and never used up all of the monthly
minutes. But, when FMIL started calling every day, she would
talk to her DS for 2 hours at a time! I started to get really
annoyed that she would do this without thinking about who was paying
for it, She would leave messages for him ON MY VOICEMAIL.
The worst was that they didn't acknowledge me at all. It was
never, "Hi (my name), I'm trying to get a hold of my DS.
It was always annoying messages like, "HI (DF's name), it's your
mother. Call me!" I know that it seems petty, but
one month it ended up costing my poor DM (who had already worked extra
hours to help us out, even though she works 7 days a week) $300 extra
because of FMIL. DF didn't even have access to my voicemail,
so I would always have to be secretary and FMIL would get upset when
DF hadn't gotten her messages. Plus, nobody offered to pay my
DM back (and they are quite well off). My mother, being the
kind and giving individual she is, never asked. I hadn't even
met her yet, but I already knew that things were not going to be easy.
I told DF that it had to stop, and he told his parents. They
did stop for a while, but then it started right back up again.
Even now that we are in a better situation and DF has his own phone,
they will still call mine first! It drives me nuts! They
are really nice people and I do like them, but sometimes FMIL doesn't
seem to think outside of her world and her family to consider other
people, and it really gets to me. This is just the beginning,
though.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- breadandbutterfly, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 9-OCT-06
I just found out that one of my DF's ex-girlfriends called my FPILs
looking for him. He broke up with her and apparently never really
got over it. So what did FMIL do? She gave him our number
and now she's been calling. I'm giving birth to our first child
in a couple of weeks. Thanks FMIL, great timing. Signature:
Just What I Need.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- breadandbutterfly, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 22-OCT-06
I want to reiterate (mostly to myself) that
I know that my FMIL isn't evil, and she does mean well. I think
that she's just on her own planet and doesn't really think about how
certain things that she does and says are really inconsiderate and
pushy. This site has really helped me cope, because it's made
me feel lucky that she's not just plain nasty. I am also lucky
because I've figured out how to make sure that DF is on my side and
he has talked to her (a will do so in the future). FFIL has
also been mediating, bless his heart. So with that intro said,
I just need to vent about things that happened during her last visit.
She is a very needy person. The only thing that she has ever
known has been her work and children. She never traveled until
her children moved to far away places, and she hates to leave home.
She has to be in control of her environment, and going to visit other
peoples' homes means that she has to be flexible. Needless to
say, she can be very demanding and needy when she comes to visit us,
and it takes a lot to accommodate her. That's fine, though,
I can deal with that and even understand. She couldn't make
it to my baby shower (she just COULDN'T leave the dogs!!!).
So she decided (without talking to DF or me first) that she was going
to have a party at her house, while I was 8 months pregnant.
She wanted us to drive 12 hours to visit her for the weekend.
I said that I just couldn't be in the car for that long because I've
been having back problems, and I wasn't supposed to fly this late
in my pregnancy because I have a heart murmur. I felt bad that
she was disappointed because it was a nice gesture on her part, but
not too bad because she should understand not wanting to travel when
you're that pregnant and should have talked to us about it first before
making a bunch of plans. Plus, when my DF asked her who exactly
she was planning to invite (there are only a couple people in their
family, and most of them are very far away), it wasn't family.
It wasn't DF's friends. It was HER friends, whom DF either doesn't
know or really doesn't like. Of course, I don't know any of
them at all. NOT worth driving 12 hours for 2 days. Sorry.
So, to let her know that it wasn't personal (although I'll admit here
that it kind of was because of the stress she gave me from our last
visit to her house) I told DF that he was welcome to invite her to
come down and visit US for a long weekend, as even with her travel
anxiety, it is easier for her to travel. She accepted our invitation,
which made me anxious. But I knew that it was important to DF
to spend time with his mother. Sometimes his attachment to his
DM bothers me, but I let it go because he will stick up for me, isn't
totally blind, and I know that him treating her so well is a mirror
of how he treats me. However, DF is also kind of an idealist.
He thought that it would be great if we invited my mom to visit for
the weekend, too, since our moms had been having nice chats on the
phone. My mom is awesome, and I love her to death, but she can
be very absent minded and gets very easily stressed out and anxious.
Two neurotic mothers on one weekend? Now I'M really stressed
out. But I decided to indulge DF and just give it a shot, as
it seemed to mean a lot to him. This is getting long, so stay
tuned for part two.
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