Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- ColoradoHusker /Posted: 13-MAY-02
My DH and I recently met with our attorney to update
our wills, in light of having a baby. The attorney asked us
what type of inheritance we may be getting when our parents die.
I explained that my parents would, more than likely, leave us money.
DH said that he knows that MIL will leave her house to both him and
BIL After reviewing everything, it became very clear that it
was in our best interest not to be associated with MIL's house (it
would be counted as a 2nd home for us), and it was best to convert
it to cash ASAP. DH said that he, MIL, and BIL talked about
this a looooong time ago. The three of them agreed that, as
soon as MIL passes, BIL will either buy DH out by getting a mortgage
on it, or they would sell the house and split the money. There's
nothing in writing. First of all, BIL has NO credit. MIL
has always been his bank. He's lived with MIL all his life.
The only thing even remotely worth anything is his pickup, which was,
basically, totaled, and he used junkyard parts to fix it up.
Furthermore, DH says that BIL's job only pays him about $10/hour.
We guess MIL's home to be worth $100,000 on the low end, and there's
no way that BIL would qualify for a loan. Second, MIL's house
needs a lot of work. MIL was a heavy smoker, and BIL still is.
When MIL quit smoking, DH painted most of the inside, and completely
remodeled the kitchen. BIL smokes outside in the backyard, but
throws the butts all over the place, and never cleans it up.
Nor does he clean up the dog droppings. DH feels that the minute
that MIL passes, BIL will be smoking inside, and it will have to be
painted again. In addition, to all of this, the foundation has
serious problems, and one company gave an estimate of $20,000 to fix
it. There, also, could be problems with the roof. MIL
made it clear, during the meeting, that she wanted BIL to be able
to live there as long as he wanted. That's fine, but if he doesn't
buy DH out, DH's and my credit, house, and cars are on the line.
If BIL doesn't pay the taxes, the county will come to us. BIL
has nothing to lose - the house is paid off. What are they going
to do, take away his cr@ppy truck? DH and I have a considerably
more expensive house, money in the bank, cars, and other assets.
If DH and BIL were to apply for a loan against the house to fix it
up, it would only be DH (with the help of my credit) who would qualify.
DH had a bankruptcy several years ago, and it's only my credit that
is pulling his rating up at this point. BUT, even if DH qualified
all on his own, everything we own together (the house, the bank accounts)
would all be up for grabs. If BIL failed to make any payment,
they would come after us (we'd ask BIL to pay on the loan in lieu
of rent to us). Believe me, we don't exactly have $ to spare;
we are on a very aggressive payment plan for DH's college loan, and
we have a saving plan for college and retirement. The attorney
is not very happy with this situation, as he knows how hard we have
worked to be in the position we are in. He also pointed out
that, since nothing was in writing, BIL could play dumb and renege
on the whole deal. His advice was to get a copy of MIL's will.
It makes a world of difference as to who is listed as executor of
the will. If it's BIL, we are screwed. We'd have to force
a sale of the house through the court. We also may have to foot
the bill for all repairs ourselves to get the house into a sellable
condition. If DH is the executor, he will be able to make final
decisions about the property. BUT, if MIL has it written in
a way that allows BIL to stay in the home until he dies, we're screwed.
I could see BIL living footloose and fancy free, letting us pay for
everything, because he knows that we have more to lose. Given
the recent relationship developments between DH and BIL, BIL will
do it just out of spite. The chances of us getting a copy of
MIL's will is about zero - she'd freak. And, to make matters
worse, the attorney asked about DH's dad. DH explained the whole
sordid story, "dad" is out of the picture. MIL is
still married to him, etc. Well, it turns out that it's a federal
law that, no matter the condition of the relationship, the surviving
spouse is entitled to a certain percentage of the deceased's estate.
So, "dad", who left the family 20 years ago, and who DH
hates, will get a portion. MIL had once asked us to lie to everyone
and say that she got a divorce, but that the papers were "lost"
(like you can't walk to the courthouse and get the information!).
Frankly, the attorney and I are wondering if MIL and "dad"
were ever married in the first place! Wouldn't that explain
why she won't tap into his military retirement and social security?
If we even try to talk to MIL about all of this, she just gets all
upset. Why were we talking about her business? What did
the attorney say about her? Further, it turns out that DH doesn't
even know where the will might be. He doesn't know if she has
a safety deposit box, a safe, or anything. He doesn't even have
a clue as to who her attorney may have been!
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- ColoradoHusker /Posted: 11-MAR-02
I recently had my first child in late January.
You may recall that DH and I had a lot of problems getting pregnant
and staying pregnant, not to mention the he!! his mother put us through.
Short recap: MIL and I had words in July, while I was on bed
rest for a threatened miscarriage. Among other things, she told
me to tell DH that he was no longer her son. DH confronted her,
and she denied everything. In August, she announced that she
is now house bound. DH tried to patch things up, and she said
that she did nothing wrong and had nothing to apologize for.
But, when I refused to come to her house for Christmas, she cried
and cried. So, I had the baby. DH called her from the
hospital to tell her that the baby was here, and asked her to come
see us. MIL said that she can't walk too far. DH told
her there are wheelchairs at every door of the hospital. Then,
she said that she can't be alone while BIL (who is 37 and lives with
her) parks the car. DH told her that there is FREE valet parking
until 6pm. Then, MIL said that BIL isn't home - maybe they'd
come later. DH was disappointed. DH then called a childhood
friend who lives in the neighborhood of his mom. DH asked his
friend if he could bring MIL to the hospital and take her home again.
He said, "Sure, not a problem. Have her give me a call.
DH called MIL back and told her that his friend will bring her, etc.
MIL said that she is "sore", and, "we'll see"
after she takes a shower. DH hung up and waited 1.5 hours to
call her back. MIL said that she is now too tired, and "we'll
see" after BIL comes home. DH asked when BIL will be home.
MIL says BIL is out of town fishing. Great! DH is now
pissed. DH called back that evening. Is BIL home?
MIL said, "Yes, but BIL is tired from the weekend and is dozing
in his chair - too tired to come to hospital." DH finally
broke down and cried. The next day we're being released.
MIL called and asked, "Can we come to her house so she can see
the baby??" What a witch!!!! I had a baby 2 days
ago. I still was hurting. I was tired, I just wanted to
go home. But, no, I did the "good" thing, and agreed
to see MIL. MIL can't do a damn thing to get herself to the
hospital, but we can come see her! The visit went okay.
We're only there for a few minutes. DH tried to tell her that
coming to the hospital would have been easier, but she said she just
can't make it to the front door. DH asked her why, and MIL claimed
that she "can't talk about it" - whatever! She won't
see a doctor. She won't seek help, so I see no reason why I
have to play her sick game. My baby is now 6 weeks old.
BIL still hasn't spoken to us - no call to say congratulations, no
card, no NOTHING! JERK! MIL called here the other night.
BIL is "in love", and she wanted to tell DH all about it.
DH told her that he didn't want to hear about it. He didn't
care. She got all huffy, said she had to go, and hung up!
MIL can't stand any negative info about BIL. MIL also hasn't
requested us to come see her with baby, and sure as heck hasn't been
here to see us. I'm about ready to call social services on her
as an endangered person. What would you do? DH says that
he's not doing anything since she doesn't want help, and won't ask
for help. His attitude is that it's her life and her problem.
All I know is that I'm doing everything to keep MIL out of my DD's
life until MIL gets some help.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- ColoradoHusker /Posted: 11-DEC-01
We went to my family, who live in a different state,
for Thanksgiving. When DH called his mother on Thanksgiving,
she informed him that she and DH's loser brother were doing "nothing"
for Thanksgiving. There was nothing to be thankful for, and
that they weren't even eating (just eating leftover take-out).
Of course, this played on DH's heart strings like a violin.
When DH told me this, I just said, "That's an interesting choice
they've made. I'm really thankful for OUR family and OUR baby
daughter that I'm carrying." And I let it drop like a lead balloon.
I can't stop DH from playing into her games if he chooses to.
But, I sure as heck don't have to do it, and why let MIL even dampen
my holiday. I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching
about this MIL situation. I'm not responsible for her happiness.
Nothing I do or don't do will make one iota difference in her life,
even though she wants everyone to think that I'm just out to destroy
her and her family. My MIL chooses to be miserable - that's
her decision. She chooses to declare herself housebound and
make no effort to make her life more enjoyable - that's her decision.
I can, and have, made the decision to have nothing to do with it -
that's my decision. So, if I'm to accept all her decisions,
and respect them, why shouldn't I get the same respect for my decisions?
I'm sure that MIL would say that, because my decision hurts her, she
doesn't have to respect it - whatever. I have no idea what may
be in store for Christmas. DH has commented that maybe we could
all get together with MIL and BIL "sometime", but I'm not
biting on it. It will just turn into a fight. And, if
he's really serious, I will just say that I'm not going, and let the
chips fall where they may. I'm 36. I'm weeks away from
giving birth to our first child. I have much to be thankful
for. And, frankly, I don't have time for my MIL's antics.
My MIL has done nothing but hurt me, my marriage, and my DH (though
he doesn't necessarily see it that way). Why let her be a part
of my life? I don't owe her anything. It would be nice
if things were different, but they are not. Why pretend?
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- ColoradoHusker /Posted: 1-SEP-01
My MIL is in a league of her own! I should have
known I was in for a mess way before we were married. My engagement
ring is my husband's grandmother's ring (MIL's mother). When
I accepted his proposal, we called his mother to tell her the good
news - MIL got on the phone with me and told me that SHE wanted the
ring back if anything happened, and that she would always consider
it her ring (and that I was just borrowing it). Later on I heard
comments that DH had to have the ring sized larger, and she couldn't
believe how FAT my fingers were, etc. I quit wearing the ring
within a year of being married, since it always reminded me of her.
MIL threw a fit about it - she claimed that I had lost it because
I wasn't wearing it!! MIL wouldn't commit to coming to our wedding
until 3 weeks before the wedding. MIL would say that she couldn't
make the trip (it was a 2 hour drive), that she wasn't sure if we
really wanted her there, that she didn't have anything to wear, etc.
DH and I begged and pleaded with her to come. When she met my
parents, my mom made the comment that wild horses couldn't keep her
away from this wedding, and that if she (MIL) needed a new dress,
we'd get her a new dress. Well, MIL soon announced that she
would come to the wedding, and then said that my parents could just
drop her a check in the mail to cover the costs of a new dress and
shoes. And, do we think they would spring for a rental car too
for her to drive to the wedding? DH said that my mom did not
mean that we would BUY her a new dress, only that we would make arrangements
for all of us to go shopping for a dress for her! DH told me
that MIL was furious about this, and said that my mother had lied
to her! MIL ended up wearing the same dress to our wedding that
she had worn to DH's first wedding - stain and all! DH ended
up renting the car for her - hers just didn't look right next to my
family's cars! Then, there was DH's birthday that was 3 months
before the wedding. We were getting married in a small mountain
town, 2 hours from where DH and MIL lived, and about 6 hours from
where I lived. I decided that I'd take DH to the wedding site
for the weekend and do some wedding planning. We'd leave on
Friday night, and come back on Sunday afternoon. Dh's birthday
was Saturday. MIL found out about it, and threw a fit.
She said that if I "took him away", she wouldn't be able
to wish her baby a happy birthday, and that she wanted to take him
out for dinner on his birthday - not any other day!! So, DH
and I caved in and decided that we would leave Saturday AM, drive
2 hours, do what we could, drive back Saturday night, have dinner
with MIL, get up Sunday AM, drive again 2 hours, meet with the minister
(the only day we could) and come back home again! MIL was thrilled.
We agreed we would meet at the restaurant at a certain time on Saturday
night. DH and I knock ourselves out keeping with the plan, except
we got delayed in the meeting with the photographer, and we were 30
minutes late getting out of town. We called MIL and told her
that we'd be late getting to the restaurant. MIL threw a fit,
and said just to forget it. And that we should stay up there
and have a good time - it would be too late for her to eat by the
time we got back! It has turned out that everything is about
HER, HER, HER. It's been 4 years now, and nothing is better.
My MIL is nothing but a self-centered, self-absorbed, lonely old woman,
whose only life is through her two sons!
RESPONSE: Once Ignorant Bride
Posted: 20-SEP-01
If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought that
I was married to the other son. I was reading your post and
it made me think soooo much of my own MIL that I went to smack the
monitor. But, thankfully, I gained my composure. Your
MIL wanted you and your DH to beg her to go. My MIL plays the
same games. "Oh, don't worry about me, I'll just slow you
down." What she's really saying is, "I am most definitely
not getting enough attention here. I need to do something so
I can prove to DIL that I am still his #1". So, she does
something, like saying, "I am not going to the wedding,"
when she literally wouldn't have missed it for the world. But,
she got him to beg for her to go. You see, she won. She
is competing with you for her son's affection, not respecting your
marriage, and not at all respecting you. I stopped begging my
DH years ago. After 10 years of marriage, he still begs.
It's sickening. Sometimes, when MIL gets into this competing
match, you have to compete back, even if you feel that you don't want
to stoop to that level. You, a counselor, or someone, will have
to show your DH that you are going to have to win. Your DH needs
to learn to put you and your relationship first. My MIL almost
destroyed my marriage. Believe it or not, their sons can give
them that power. It starts with DH not putting the wife first
(playing mommy's games). Then, the MIL is allowed to gain more
control over your lives. What follows is a voice in your head
saying, "He doesn't love me enough," and that can set the
pace for a downward spiral. There needs to be counselors out
there to deal with just this issue. You need someone to open
DH's eyes to the problem. If you find that person, let me know.
I see stories like this and I can see myself years ago. Well,
if it doesn't change, things don't look good. I wish I were
more assertive before things got to this point, instead of being naive
enough to think that after she sees that we made it x amount of years,
she'll finally accept me. Only you and DH can change this problem
by learning to handle her differently, and both of you putting your
marriage first. She will not change. So it's really up
to DH. And, as for you, I wouldn't put forth the effort to make
that ol' bag happy (believe me, it's not going to make a difference
anyway). Good luck, and take care.
RESPONSE: Once Ignorant Bride
Posted: 20-SEP-01
The first thought I had while reading your story was
that everyone is catering to MIL too much. It seems to just
encourage her to act more outrageously. I hope you don't still
do it. After a few years of my MIL demanding her time with DH,
and being moody, and not sure if she can make it to such and such
(she is "sick" a lot), and saying she would do something
with us and then backing out, we do not rearrange any of our plans
for her anymore. We learned to say, "Oh, that's too bad.
We will miss you," as she waffled and said, "I might be
too sick!" and stuff. Sometimes, she straightens out and
behaves, sometimes she misses things. Quite frankly, I prefer
it when she misses things. Do you still have that ring?
I would give it back. Then you and DH can get you a new one
when you are able. I needed a new ring about 8 years into my
marriage, and I wanted one of those "Millennium" rings.
We chose one with a small heart-shaped emerald, then DH surprised
me with a band with mine, his, and our son's birthstones. I
love them!! We also renewed our vows with only our son there,
so the rings truly are my wedding rings, and I have such good memories
attached to them. I realize you have some bad problems with
your MIL, and my little solutions don't solve everything. But,
quite frankly, only MIL dropping off the edge the earth is going to
solve some of these problems. I have tried many things to deal
with my MIL. But I have found my best solution is to try to
ignore her, and not to give her fresh ammunition. Good luck!
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- ColoradoHusker/Posted: 5-SEP-01
Story #2: AFTER THE WEDDING. Due to special
circumstances surrounding my career and family, I was unable to actually
live with my new husband for 10 months after our wedding. We
lived in different states, a 5 hour drive ONE WAY. But we managed
to see each other almost every weekend. While DH and I were
in this weird time warp situation, I would often travel to him.
MIL thought that we should see her every time! Hmmm. I'd
get to his house on Friday night, sleep until about 9am on Saturday,
do housekeeping stuff (vs. DH's cleaning, which is, "It doesn't
LOOK dirty!"), spend time with my DH, and be back on the road
home by 1pm on Sunday. I was so tired all the time! MIL
would be on the phone wanting us to come to her house and visit her,
"Let's have dinner together. Let's go out. Let's
go shopping!" No!!! When I tried to explain to her
that I would like some private time with DH, she said that I was just
a sex maniac! She then made it our "little joke" of
her making comments about our sex life in front of others at every
possible opportunity. So, the day finally came that I officially
moved in with my husband! I was emotionally drained from selling
my family's business of 50+ years, dealing with attorneys and the
buyers, having to say good-bye to my family and friends, having parents
who were in very fragile health, putting my house on the market, etc.
MIL immediately takes the opportunity to call me every day to ask
what I was doing, what were we having for dinner, did I see the sale
at the grocery store, when was I going to look for a job, etc.
It drove me nuts. I told DH that MIL was calling way too much,
and I wasn't comfortable with all the questions concerning how much
money we made, how much our new carpet cost, etc. I told DH
that I couldn't deal with her at this time, and that I needed her
to back off!! DH talked to his mother about it, and she cried
and had a meltdown. She said that she was only trying to welcome
me into the family, and that she was only trying to help! Then,
she said that she wouldn't call us ever again! Yes, we do have
a drama queen here! Soon after this blowup, DH called MIL to
try to smooth things over a bit. She announced that she spoke
to her other son about the situation, and BIL said that I should just
grow-up and stop being a spoiled brat! DH got very upset, and
told MIL that BIL had nothing to do with this, and that he better
mind his own business. Life went on for the next few months.
MIL called DH from time to time, but basically stayed out of our lives.
We stopped by her house around Christmas time on our way to a party.
We walked into the house, and BIL acted like a rocket shot from a
cannon when he RAN to his room. Yes, BIL is 36 and still lives
with MIL. He never lived anywhere else. But we need to
be proud of him - HE HAS A JOB!! We chitchatted, and then MIL
turned to me and ripped into me about how DH and I were just ruining
her Christmas! She said that she just wanted to be a family
and I'm just so cold towards her. She cried hysterically that
I didn't care about her, that I hated her, and why can't we have a
mother/daughter relationship? I tried to tell her that I do
care about her, and that I don't consider her to be my mother - as
I have a mom, but that I was open to having a MIL relationship with
her. I also said that I would be more than happy to help her
do some things such as go to the doctor, since I knew that she hadn't
seen a doctor in YEARS. And I said that maybe she'd like to
meet some people her own age, etc. She YELLED at me that I was
just stupid - she didn't need a doctor, she was fine! She didn't
want to meet people her own age - they were too OLD! All she
wanted was to spend time with her boys - that's all she needed, her
boys. We left the house with her continuing to cry about how
her Christmas was ruined and that we were both so cold-hearted to
her. But we still put up with her for more years to come.
RESPONSE: Ruined Christmas?
Posted: 28-SEP-01
I read this story thinking that in "her way",
she really was trying to invite you into the family. The thing
that was disturbing was the sex comments. She shouldn't think
of her son and DIL that way, let alone make crude comments on the
subject. I wouldn't mind my MIL saying the things to me that
your MIL said at Christmas. My MIL hates me, and has never even
tried to be decent. If she were to call me daily, I would have
to deal with that for my DH (just as long as she was pleasant).
You shouldn't try to start off a relationship by suggesting that a
person go to the doctor. Although you may have concerns, that's
something that follows after a more personal relationship. I'm
sorry to say it, but I don't think in "most" cases, you
are the one that's striving for peace here.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- ColoradoHusker/Posted: 5-SEP-01
Story #3: In May we found out that we are expecting
our first child. We had to go through years of infertility treatments
with many disappointments along the way. In June, we invited
MIL and BIL over to celebrate DH's birthday. For his birthday,
MIL got him a digital camera. As he was learning about it, he
was surprised to find that it can record audio and some video too.
I laughed and said that it wasn't coming in the delivery room.
I didn't want a video of delivery, and certainly no audio!!
MIL popped up and said that she delivered BIL in front of 30 people
because they couldn't get her to the delivery room in time.
And, that when the time came, I wouldn't care who was in the room
when I delivered. I told her that oh yes, I would care, and
that 1 exhibitionist in the family was enough! MIL came back
with, "Oh no, you won't care who is there. You'll just
want that baby out of you!" I came back with that there
were plenty of people that witnessed the conception of this baby (DH,
a doctor, 2 nurses, and me), and I'll be darned if there was going
to be an audience at the birth!! MIL came back with, "Oh
no, you won't. You won't care. You just think that is
what you want. You'll see." I finally said that,
as long as I have a lick of sense in my head, I will care who is in
the room. MIL had the final word by saying that I won't have
lick of sense in my head when I'm in labor! MIL then went on
to tell me that she just knows that this is a boy, and that he'll
be just like DH and BIL. She has told me all about her pregnancies,
deliveries, etc. I'm so sick of it! I finally told her
that this baby will be his/her own person, and not a clone of DH or
BIL! I also reminded her that I, too, have a dad, brothers,
and nephews. So, maybe if it is a boy, he'll be like them!
She just turned red and said that she knew that he'd be just like
DH and BIL! Whatever! I'm so tired of the "Whatever
you can do, I can do better" attitude from MIL. She even
does it with food. She'd have us over for dinner and then ask
DH if I made whatever she had fixed better! If he told her that
I made great spaghetti sauce, she'd make spaghetti next time, and
drill him on whose is better. The same for cakes, meatloaf,
etc. Now we are competing over this baby!
RESPONSE: Delivery Room Debate
Posted: 27-SEP-01
My MIL does the same thing with food. If H comments
that he loves my meatloaf, cake, pie, etc., she'll have that item
made the next time he's there. It makes me mad, but you've just
got to let it roll off your back. Consider the source.
Of course you don't like what she's saying. You don't like her.
But if your mom said that you won't care who's in the delivery room,
the response would be different. Keep that in mind when dealing
with these she-devils. Don't let them bring you to their self-righteous,
vindictive, hateful level. Good luck with the pregnancy - it
sounds like you'll need it!
RESPONSE: Delivery Room Debate
Posted: 27-SEP-01
Stop her now!! If it is this bad now, just wait.
And, yes, you do care who is in the delivery room. Personally,
I was so tired, that while I was pushing, I didn't care at that exact
moment. But I did later. I couldn't look at my ILs for
weeks. It is a very private moment that should be shared between
you and your husband (and whoever else you want there). Thankfully,
all you should have to do is tell the nurses who you want there, and
they will keep people out.
RESPONSE: Delivery Room Debate
Posted: 27-SEP-01
Do you know what you need to do right now? Inform
your obstetrician that there will be NO PEOPLE OTHER than you, your
DH, your doctor, and authorized hospital personnel in the delivery
room at the time of your child's birth. You need to address
the importance of this situation, and that your MIL is making noises
like she's ready to barge in the delivery room at any moment.
What a kook!
RESPONSE: Delivery Room Debate
Posted: 27-SEP-01
The only competition is in her mind. Don't let
her win. Just let her rattle on with her nonsense. You
know who's right. Try not to let her get to you.
RESPONSE: Delivery Room Debate
Posted: 28-SEP-01
Boy, I can relate. DH and I do not have any children.
However, my MIL has mentioned numerous times that she plans on being
in the delivery room when I deliver, because she missed out when my
SIL (by marriage) delivered her first baby. NO WAY! She
is someone I do not even enjoy being around when I am in a good mood,
why the heck would I want her around while I am in major pain and
half naked??? She also plans on staying with us to "help"
for the first two weeks after we have our baby. Of course, she
feels entitled to this, because she bullied SIL into letting her do
this with her first child. Now, SIL will be due with her second
baby next month, and MIL is once again bullying her about staying
the first two weeks after the birth (and my SIL is absolutely dreading
it). She said that the last time the MIL came, she said that
the couch hurt her back (they lived in a little one bedroom apt. at
that time), so she slept in bed with my SIL while my BIL slept on
the floor in the living room!!!! This time they grabbed the
extra mattress and twin bed frame, because my SIL says she refuses
to get stuck in the same situation again. What's funny is that
my MIL complains about other people snoring (she denies that she herself
snores). However, my SIL said that my MIL snores REALLY loudly!
LOL! If my MIL came over, she would NOT be of any help.
I would feel uncomfortable with her carrying out my normal household
chores and acting like a martyr for doing such a big favor by "helping"
me (even though I never asked for her help to start out with).
She acts like she is such a saint for sacrificing two weeks of her
vacation time from work. The truth is that my SIL has NEVER
asked her to do this. In fact, my SIL would probably be happier
if my MIL did not "help". I am a healthcare worker
myself. And if my MIL is a pain when it is time for me to give
birth, I will tell the staff to keep my MIL out of the delivery area.
My MIL already ruined my engagement surprise by butting in because
she was "too excited" and wanted to be "a part of it
all". I am not going to let her ruin another special moment
for my DH and I. My MIL also went on and on with my SIL during
her first pregnancy, insisting that it HAD to be a boy (MIL has two
sons, and has told SIL and I numerous times that she is GLAD that
she did not have daughters!), and that he will be exactly like her
*wonderful* sons. My SIL was so annoyed, and I don't blame her.
Of course to my MIL's delight, the baby turned out to be a boy.
My MIL keeps going on and on about how the it would be, "best"
if my SIL and I both have two sons, just like her! Well, my
SIL is expecting a baby girl. She is delighted. But, she
said that when she told her it was going to be a girl, my MIL's reaction
was, "Oh." And that MIL has even brainwashed my BIL
into thinking that having two sons would be ideal. Can you believe
that??? Apparently, my MIL has not shown any interest at all
in SIL's current pregnancy. What's funny is that my DH has told
me many times that he really hopes that we have a girl. I feel
like telling my MIL, "Ha! You didn't brainwash DH into
hating girls!" I just think my MIL is very immature and
selfish in terms of her behavior. She expects my SIL and I to
be mini-me images of herself. And she is under the delusion
that she is so perfect, and that everything she does is right, and
everything we do is wrong! ARGH. I just cannot stand my
MIL - she is such a witch!
RESPONSE: Delivery Room Debate
Posted: 28-SEP-01
Well, as far as the food competition, that would be
irritating at best. The things she is telling you about childbirth
is just her past experience with birth. I have had 3 children.
All of them seemed very different. With the 1st one, I was in
so much pain I didn't care who was in the room. The 2nd was
a little different. And the 3rd was also different. I
don't think she is trying to compete for the baby. It may be
natural for her to compare a baby boy to "her" boys, since
they are "her" family. Just like it is natural for
you to relate to your own family. This is a blessed event, something
you've waited a long time for. Don't sweat the small stuff.
As far as her telling you that it's a boy, I can tell (with a very
high accuracy - by the way the woman is carrying) what the gender
of the baby will be. But she shouldn't be able to since you're
only 4 to 5 months pregnant. Take this all with a grain of salt,
and focus on taking care of yourself during this pregnancy.
RESPONSE: Delivery Room Debate
Posted: 28-SEP-01
My reply to her, the next time she starts, would be,
"Those were YOUR experiences, I think I'm entitled to HAVE MY
OWN!"
RESPONSE: Delivery Room Debate
Posted: 28-SEP-01
What a silly woman your MIL is. You should try
saying, "I'm sure the baby will be born with horns on his head,"
and see how she tries to compete with that. Really, the old
bat sounds like she needs to get a life and quit living through yours.
Perhaps when she makes her dippy comments, you could just respond,
"How interesting you feel that way," or, "do you really
think so?" in a totally disinterested tone of voice. Something
that lets her know that you're not buying into her dumb opinions.
It seems best to engage her as little as possible. And, good
luck with your baby!!!!
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- ColoradoHusker/Posted: 6-NOV-01
Story #4: Last July MIL and I had words because
she was upset that DH and I were considering making a decision that
she did not like. MIL said some terrible things about DH, including
that I needed to tell DH that he was no longer her son, that we may
as well have stabbed her in the heart, etc. I jumped to DH's
defense and let her have it. She hung up on me. DH confronted
her about the things she said, and she denied everything. She
turned everything back on me, and said it was me who did wrong!
In an effort to make things better, I called MIL in September and
asked her to please meet DH and me at a restaurant. MIL informed
me that she is now homebound and can't leave the house. I asked
if she had been to a doctor, and she said that she hadn't, and that
she didn't need a doctor EVER. So, this is all self-imposed
on her part. It's interesting that she was at our house in June,
and didn't mention having any problem getting there, etc. I
refuse to go to her house, as she will take the opportunity to scream
and yell at me. This has happened in the past, when she accused
me of being the reason why DH and his brother weren't speaking, and
that I was ruining her entire holiday season. She yelled, screamed,
and cried. And, when I tried to comfort her, she pushed me away.
DH watched TV, and BIL hid in his room. I was terribly hurt
and embarrassed, but I kept my head high, and tried to make things
better. I offered to take her to a doctor, as I knew she hadn't
been to a doctor in YEARS. And, she said that she didn't need
any doctor. I offered to take her to various senior citizen
groups (bingo, book club, church, etc.) so she could meet people her
own age, and she said that she didn't want to meet anyone her own
age. They were OLD! When I tried to hug her, she pushed
me away and screamed at me not to touch her. I WILL NOT be treated
this way again!! DH called MIL back and asked her once again
to meet us. MIL told him that she can't leave the house - we
MUST come to her house. She, once again, claimed that she didn't
know what this problem was all about. DH reminded her of the
things she said to me when we spoke in July. MIL again denied
everything and hung up. Needless to say, no meeting took place.
I am now 6 months pregnant, and recently went out of town. DH
went over to his mother's house during this time, and of course, this
topic came up. DH told her that both he and I want an apology
from her, and she told him that she did nothing wrong and sees no
reason why she should have to apologize for anything. DH even
asked her to just apologize to make things better - just apologize
that I was hurt, not for what she said. And she said, "NO!"
DH told her that she would have to come to our house to see the baby
(due in February, and we live in the Midwest) as he won't have the
baby separated from me, and I won't step foot in her house until I
get an apology. MIL cried that she can't leave the house, and
DH told her it was her problem. He told her to go to the doctor
and get some help! She then said some choice things about me,
and DH left. It is obvious that MIL has some serious mental
things going on. She refuses to get help. It's not that
she can't afford it - she is on Medicare, and DH just told me that
she just contracted with a company to do $20,000 worth of work on
her house. She lives very frugally. I was shocked she
had this kind of money!! BIL is an ok guy, but very strange.
He still lives at home, and never has had his own place. He
does have a job now, but he doesn't seem to have a lot of friends.
MIL has no close friends, and no other family than her two sons.
MIL did have a stroke almost 20 years ago, and got medical care then.
But, she told me 5 years ago that she hadn't seen a doctor for almost
7 years. So, that means that she hasn't seen a doctor in 12
years!!! We'll see what she does when she knows that the baby
is here. I just know that she is waiting for us to cave in and
come to her house. She wants me to act like nothing happened.
MIL thinks that she can say whatever she wants and everyone is just
supposed to do everything her way and forget what she says.
She's mean, she's manipulative, and I have no use for her! If
something doesn't go her way, or she doesn't agree, she throws a fit
until she does get her way. Thank goodness she doesn't call
here. Last time something like this happened, she wouldn't call
when I was here, but if I got off work early, or was sick, she'd just
freak out. Now, she just calls DH on the cell. But, I
check caller ID, and she's only calling about once a month or so -
no big deal. I don't have to deal with her.
RESPONSE: MIL Refuses To Apologize
Posted: 10-NOV-01
Wow! I have not read a story so closely related
to my MIL until I scrolled through yours. She is very difficult
- believe me, I do know. It is so hard to hear someone call
you a liar, and blatantly try to turn your DH against you. My
MIL also accused me of trying to ruin her family. She also accused
me causing the gap between DH and his family members. The real
reason is that they treated me so badly and not because I did anything
wrong. She has told me off. I don't even try to hug her.
Gross! She is immoral, judgmental, and very mean. She
is, to this day, the unhappiest woman I have ever met. She must
cringe at the fact that our marriage is working out. She divorced
and never remarried. Her other child divorced a few times and
is now single. I really do think that she likes it that way.
The best way I can get her back is to be happy, happy, happy.
Misery loves company, just remember that. After several years
of marriage and trying so hard to be accepted, I learned that I will
not be that company anymore. I am happy in spite of her, and
she hates it.
RESPONSE: MIL Refuses To Apologize
Posted: 12-NOV-01
I think it's time you faced facts - this woman is
not going to change, and of course you're not going to get an apology.
Why are you trying so hard? I admire the fact that you have
tried, and that you've tried to do right by your MIL, but she has
shown you she does not want that kind of relationship. Leave
it alone. Let your husband have whatever relationship with her
he wants to, but stay out of it. If she wants to see the baby,
she'll come to you. If she is unwilling, she will have to wait
until the baby is old enough to come see her with your DH. If
she cries, let your husband deal with it. Don't be vindictive
with her, but don't give in to tantrums and unreasonable demands.
Sometimes, you just have to walk away from an un-winnable situation.
Best of luck to you, and let us know what happens.
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