Frequent
Fry Her TM - daisy
/Posted: 16-FEB-08
The tornado of MIL has touched down. She came
to my home on Sunday. It started the minute she walked in the
door. She came in with a huge cooler full of all her garbage,
and a pie she made (she is a horrible cook - this is never a good
thing). She immediately started dumping all of the food that
she no longer wanted onto us. DH gave it back to her and told
her that we have our own food, thank you, and to take it back.
She argued and argued. Even FIL tried to tell her not to do
this, but there is no getting through to her. I was making butter
tarts in the kitchen. MIL is very competitive baking-wise.
I heard her tell FIL not to eat what I baked, as I was using my fingers.
I heard FIL say, "Oh (MIL's name), how do you expect her to bake
without using her fingers?" He ate lots of them.
My DD was sleeping. I asked DH if we should check on her.
MIL piped up and told me to let her sleep. I don't mind letting
her sleep, but I was not talking to MIL. I was talking to DH.
MIL butted in and answered on his behalf, and DD is not MIL's to decide
on whatsoever. I asked DH again, making it obvious that I was
talking to him and not her. DS is very rambunctious and loves
to crawl everywhere. I don't like MIL holding my babies, as
she is dangerous. She walks around all wobbly and pretends that
she is going to drop them. No matter how many times we told
her to leave him alone, it was like it was her mission to try and
pick him up. MIL has been prying into DD's daycare. She
likes to pry and try and take DD out without my knowledge. She
is always butting into it, as if it has anything to do with her.
She was trying to get info from DH about the daycare and didn't get
an answer, so she thought she would pry it out of my 3 year old.
She, of course, got nowhere. But, how desperate and ridiculous
can this woman be? MIL decided to do a puzzle with my DD.
MIL exclaimed that DD can no longer do puzzles, as she has not done
them with MIL in such a long time. As if my DD's development
is going to come to a screeching halt without MIL involved.
DH heard this one and asked MIL why she would say that. He said
that it is not true, and to please stop. Then, MIL started a
fun and new game called fetch. She would ask DD to get a particular
puzzle (DD has lots of toys in all kinds of toy boxes all over the
place, so it is very hard to find one particular one like this).
Then, MIL would tell her to get mommy to look for it. So, the
objective was that MIL said a name of a puzzle, and I was supposed
to go on a mad scavenger hunt for this item. Once one was found,
she would simply call out another. I got tired of this game
fast. MIL seems to be jealous of my DD. DD is so beautiful,
and MIL is almost like the jealous stepmother in "Cinderella",
trying to make her ugly. She is always buying her boys' clothes,
putting them on her, and then telling me how much DD just loves these.
DD said no such thing. She knit her a hat and mittens, but ones
that were for boys, very masculine colors, etc. It was so weird.
DD looked beautiful in it anyhow. My children are rivals to
her as well. We are in the way of the attention that she gets
from her "pretend husband", my DH. Then, MIL topped
it all off with some put down by comparison. She does this constantly
with SIL and me, talking as if SIL does everything so well and I don't,
etc. Now she is doing this between her grandkids. She
compares DD to SIL's child, and talks like SIL's child is just so
much better then my DD. Now MIL has decided that my DH is her
service technician for her stupid laptop. DH bought it for her
for Christmas, so now for the rest of it's days, anytime there is
something wrong with it, she thinks she has a service technician in
my DH. I can just see how she will milk this one. She
has just figured out that breaking her laptop is a good way to get
some of DH's attention. Right now it is a cooling fan, and I
don't know if she did it deliberately or not. However, let's
just watch the wicked witch snowball this one, as with everything
else. DH is now feeling depressed, and MIL is causing all kinds
of arguments. This is all from one visit.
Frequent
Fry Her TM - daisy
/Posted: 4-DEC-07
When I first met DH, MIL would not give us any time
alone. Every weekend had to include her. We could not
even take a walk without her. When we were getting married,
I used to have nightmares about her. The dream was about a wedding
cake, and I was on the one side of the groom on the cake. But
there was another bride on his other side, and it was MIL. I
remember being so envious of his brother and his GF. They got
to be a couple, while I had to be a threesome. Some days I wondered
why DH and his ridiculous mother didn't just attach themselves to
each other. They may as well have. Everything was about
her. Every minute of our time, and all our energy had to be
spent on her (renovating her cottage, visiting with her, etc.).
Even when it came to my vacations she wanted to know where we were
going to be, and then would do everything to try and get us to spend
the time with her. One day, DH asked me to marry him, and I
said yes, at first. Then, MIL found out. At the time I
had three weeks of holidays planned. We were going to plan our
wedding. Well, on the first day of my vacation, guess what MIL
did? She broke her own hand. What a nut case. Well,
the drama continued. Now, she just had to move in with us.
She was smothering me so much that I could not even move my arm without
it touching her (I am not kidding). Even when I asked for a
moment alone with my DH, she would always ask, in her victim voice
and with her crocodile tears coming down, if she could come along.
The time that she spent with us was the beginning of the arguing between
DH and me. After 2 weeks of this, I told DH that enough was
enough. I would not be marrying him because he was not available
to marry me. He already had a wife; his mother. She took
up so much of his time and resources that he could not be married
anyhow. I told him that I wanted him and her out of my house.
That is when he told me that he did not want that. He would
see a counselor and stop this pattern that he had going with his mother.
He went, and he improved, but can I say that she is still a problem,
despite all this, to this day. She is now trying to mother my
children. She is getting nastier by the day, always (just like
my 3 year old) testing the boundaries and doing whatever she can to
not have to adhere to them. She is so annoying, and even though
my DH has come a long way, he just cannot see her as the destructive
person that she is. He cannot do the right thing and move his
family away from her. I am not asking for a huge move, just
a couple of hours away so that she is not around all the time.
His brother got the hint and did it. Why can't my DH see this?
Today, I realized that we finally, after 5 years together, have our
own family traditions, and they are nice. But, the whole time
before the wedding and the first child (I got pregnant one month after
our wedding) we had no couple-time together, nothing. It all
had to include her, and I just hate her for taking that away from
us. We should have been doing things together, like going away
for the weekend, skiing, or spending a day at a lake. My MIL
would not allow it. I will never get that time back. And,
once you have kids, your lives change. They are wonderful, but
I sure would like to have had some time with my DH before the children
came. She has been away for 5 weeks, and it has been heaven.
She is back soon, and I am sure the drama will continue. I guess
what I am saying (to anyone who is planning on marrying a mama's boy)
is that, even with the best counseling and a willingness of the DH
to change, MIL will always be there. You have to think that
she has been working on them since they were babies. It is not
an easy pattern to break. It just gets worse, too, as life gets
more complicated. When you have kids, the silly woman cannot
see the boundaries between grandmother and mother. My MIL acts
like she is the mother, and will even argue with me. An example
of this is when I told DD that I would like her to change for bed.
MIL actually argues with me that DD does not have to change, she is
fine the way she is. Also, when I try to talk to my DD, my MIL
will actually intercept and talk on behalf of both of us. She
will try to come over, when I am away, and play mommy to my children.
When we politely say, "No, thank you," she explodes into
a rant and bashes me to my DH. Then, when she gets to see my
children again, she acts like a child who won an argument or something.
If you are thinking about marrying a mama's boy, stop and think about
it. You have to think that, even though you want to now, what
will all this look like when the years have passed? She will
always be there. The more boundaries you set, the more she will
fight them. It just gets nastier as time goes on. Then,
when you have kids, she will be trying to mother them. Think
about whether this is what you want out of life. Seriously.
I married a mama's boy, and now I have the MIL from he!!.
Frequent
Fry Her TM - daisy
/Posted: 14-OCT-07
Oh, The Drama! It all started with my MIL diagnosing
my DD with ailments that do not exist, and then attempting to feed
my DD herbal remedies to medicate these make believe ailments, while
we were not looking. Obviously, I was very concerned about this.
I found a bunch of information on Munchausen by Proxy, which was very
scary, to say the least. I brought it up to my DH, and we both
agreed that she is not to be near my children unsupervised, for their
own safety. I am working on my Master's degree at the moment,
and am away every other weekend. MIL decided that my absence
is a great time to slither over and be with my children without me
present. She started her 2 hour journey to our city for this
purpose. She asked if she could come over. I set a nice
boundary of, "No, thank you. We can look after our children
ourselves." Well, that is when it all hit the fan.
She started having childlike tantrums, and now she has been on a bash
session of me since. She sent emails to the effect that she
wants the best for my children. She said that DH did not have
grandparents around, and she wants it to be different for my children
(when was this up to her?). She went on about how I don't like
her (well, okay, she has got me there) and that she believes that
this is why I don't want her to come over. The real reason I
don't want her over is because she is psycho and scares me, and because
my children need to be safe. She feels that I am not looking
out for the best interests of my children. She told DH that
it is too bad that he must put up with this from me, and she suggested
that I start going to Sunday school. Wow, what a witch!
I wonder if she read the passage on how marriage is sacred, and that
you are suppose to leave your mother and father and cleave to the
wife. Or, how about the part that says that what god has joined,
let no man separate. She is constantly trying to come between
us. When we try to set boundaries with her, she pretends that
she cannot hear them or does not understand. I have heard this
is common in manipulators like her. They fake ineptitude as
one of the methods of not accepting a boundary, and then I find out
that my DH has invited this witch and my FIL over for supper tomorrow?
How ridiculous. I just don't understand how my DH does not see
what a troublemaker she is, and that being near her is so not worth
whatever lesson or growth may come of it. Why he does not want
to protect his family from someone like this? The stress she
puts into our lives and all the drama is not good for my children.
It is the last thing that I ever wanted for them.
Frequent
Fry Her TM - daisy, 1 of 4
needed /Posted: 21-SEP-07
Birth of my first daughter: When my DD was born,
my MIL would hold her very unsteady and then she would walk around
with her in her arms in this unsteady fashion, tripping over things
as if she was going to drop her any minute. I was, of course,
very upset by this, and did not want her holding my DD until she could
do it safely. One day, I figured out the setup; she was pushing
my buttons. When my DH was not around, she would hold my DD
this way. Then, when he was around and she picked her up, I
would react. Then, she would play victim and say that I was
oppressing her by not allowing her to hold the baby. I even
heard her say, "Quick, she is upstairs, let me hold the baby."
I figured out, later, that she was doing this deliberately, as, one
day, out of the blue, when my DD was much heavier, she was now strong
enough to hoist my 14 lb DD (in a car seat that weighed 7 lbs) up
and onto an ottoman, with no trouble at all. But, apparently,
my DD was too heavy, at 7 lbs, which was her excuse for the way she
was handling her. Then, when the second GC was born to my DH's
brother, she held her pretty steady. Hmmm, funny. But,
then the kicker came when my DS was born. When DH was not looking,
guess what she started again? The inappropriate, unsafe handling.
She even looked at me with a smirk as she did this the one day.
What kind of a woman uses her own GC as tools to push the buttons
of her DIL? And, why?
Frequent
Fry Her TM - daisy, 2 of 4
needed /Posted: 21-SEP-07
Covert Manipulator: My MIL is very manipulative
and dishonest. But, the kicker with her is that she does it
indirectly or covertly. It is so much harder to deal with than
the direct kind. My MIL has patterns, though. 1. She likes
to breach boundaries, especially ones that involve role confusion
(behaving like she is my DD's mother, rather then GM, or behaving
like she is my DH's partner, rather than mother). She also likes
to try to get around the boundaries that we have set. She has
got to be the most boundary-less person I know. 2. My MIL likes
to oust others. She had her DH ousted from the family for years.
She accomplished this by playing victim and making him the oppressor,
expecting her sons to come in and rescue her. She is presently
trying to oust me. She does this by speaking in a foreign language
when I am around (she knows I am the only one who cannot understand
it), by taking over my role as mother to my children, and by causing
trouble with the intent of trying to get my DH and me fighting.
3. My MIL is one of those people who are skilled at figuring out emotional
buttons of those around her, and then she pushes and pushes and pushes
until the other person feels like screaming. I can't count all
the times that she has caused arguments and trouble for our family,
nor can I count the times I have been in tears, completely frustrated
over what she has just pulled and what she is doing to our family.
Frequent
Fry Her TM - daisy, 3 of 4
needed /Posted: 21-SEP-07
Potty Training: My MIL drives me nuts with potty
training. My DD was 2.5 when she was trained, and since the
birth of my DD, my MIL goes on and on about how she had both her sons
dry at 1. I decided to train my DD when I felt it was appropriate.
After all, it is my choice, and times have changed since she had babies
41 years ago. Then, one day, she changed her story. All
of a sudden the boys were just over 2 when they were potty trained.
So, why did she go on and on? It was like she wanted to put
down my parenting ability, as if I am not adequate and she can do
it so much better.
Frequent
Fry Her TM - daisy, 4 of 4
needed /Posted: 22-SEP-07
When I first met my DH, my MIL had actually substituted
him for her spouse, or else it was a crazy role reversal thing where
she was more like the child and he was the adult. She had a
"sonny do list" that was endless, and included such things
as renovating her cottage, all at my DH's expense. She constantly
played victim, trying to get people to feel sorry for her, and it
worked beautifully. She got my DH to spend a VERY large amount
of his own money for her renovations, and things like new fridges,
stoves, windows, hardwood floors. She exploited the he!! out
of him. We have been to counseling, as at one point, before
the wedding, I told him that I cannot marry him, he is already married
to her. He said that he did not want that, and got help and
started to set boundaries with her. Now, she is trying to get
what she had back (my DH) by causing all kinds of trouble and trying
her best to get us fighting. She will even use her GC as tools
to this end. She is constantly trying to go past the boundaries
that we set. I love my DH and my family, and we are doing our
best to learn and grow from this. But, how much of her can I
take? What is the stress she puts on our family going to do
to marriage in 10 years time?
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