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Frequent Fry HerTM
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HT Hag From Hades
Age: 38    MIL Age: 60

My husband's mother.

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades/Posted: 28-OCT-07
It's late, and I just need to cry and vent.  MIL, the Hag from Hades, has, throughout the years of no contact (no contact on our part) sent cards to my DH, and sometimes the kids.  I have never interfered with this process, tempted though I may have been.  I have let him know that he needs to be the one to respond.  Since I have been uncomfortable each time something comes, I have told DH that maybe he ought to respond.  My hope was that the air would be cleared, and that my name would be, too, since, apparently, she and her son (DH's 1/2 brother) have been in collaboration and have told a bunch of falsities to the family.  Interestingly enough, when we were back in their area (they lived elsewhere at the time, but his family was still there), his family told many horrible stories about her, which I've never repeated, nor did I encourage or engage in this conversation.  But, for whatever reason, they have seen fit to hurt me, my name, and my relationships.  So, anyway, this past summer I put my foot down with DH and told him that enough was enough.  I said that it kills me each time a card comes, as my family is not this way, never has been, and I don't want our family to be this way.  He agreed and wrote a quick note back.  Now, she's apparently emailing our eldest DD and my DH, and it's sooo difficult to be nice.  I know that I should be forgiving.  In truth, I thought that I had been.  But, each time there is a mention, I hurt all over again.  I have not learned how to move on.  I think that, primarily, it seems like it is unfinished business, and that I want my name and life back.  I'm not used to this kind of thing, and I don't like being ignored and hurt.  I think that, at some level, I want everyone to know what a schmuck she's been.  I know that his family knows how she is and my own kids know, to an extent, due to the stories that my DH tells them about his childhood.  They have a few (very old and very few) remembrances, but still it plagues me.  For instance, I believe that it is very cowardly to not deal with the situation and for her to go behind her son's back and e-mail our DD.  It puts us all in a bad state.  I am upset about the contact; my DH doesn't know about this contact (so, I appear to be a liar, in my eyes, by not divulging this), and it keeps the hurt in the family.  It encourages deception.  It is difficult for me to maintain my composure and to hold my tongue, when I'm being fed information about them.  Another issue is that my youngest, 13 now, has not received an e-mail, which is, in most ways, a blessing.  But, I think it also hurts her to not be included.  MIL is on government assistance, but, although she is capable, she will not work.  Despite all this, she has a computer and the Internet.  Apparently, the computer was a gift, from the 1/2 brother.  Then, too, his 1/2 brother has since divorced and gotten some welfare mother pregnant (I swear, I'm not making this up!) with twins.  He rarely supports her financially, although, to his credit, when allowed, he helps parent on and off.  She had the kids, and so, now, his mom has another set of grandkids.  She has told my DH and her eldest DD (she has yet to contact the youngest one) that she can hardly wait for them to meet the boys.  I just feel like the discarded DIL and her scapegoat.  I had high hopes that have been squashed and dashed, and my feelings torn asunder.  I didn't ask for her dysfunctions, nor the pain she caused us and DH during his childhood.  The whole thing is just silly and ludicrous, but painful nonetheless.  I am hurt and angry that this still has a hold of me, that she is like this, and that she perpetuates it.  Thanks for letting me vent!

        Signed - Tired of The Whole Wretched Mess!
        ( respond to this story )        ( here is my story )

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades/Posted: 15-OCT-04
I was thinking about it the other day, how awful it is to not recognize MIL on a holiday or any of her special days, as this is not the way that I was raised.  I started dwelling on it a bit, due to the hurricane season, as the island where she lives was hit pretty hard, and because I was telling a friend about her.  Getting in touch with MIL is up to my DH (he's made that much clear, his choice) and he chooses not to spend any time or money on her any longer (somewhat a relief).  Anyway, as Christmas approaches, I am, as I have been for the past couple of years, trying to decide what to put in the Christmas letter (knowing that, somewhere along the way, she will obtain a copy of this) and whether or not to send pictures of our children to his family, since they, too, will find their way to his mom, which will hurt her more, I fear.  Yet, it is out of my control.  She openly (which is better than believing otherwise) despises me, and has tried to harm our family, as a unit.  Anyway, I am reminded that any gift that she gets from us will be given to her twin, as if from her (my DH noted that when he was back visiting his family on business).  In the past she has feigned interest in a specific hobby, knowing that we would buy things along that line, especially since she leads a rather nomadic lifestyle and cannot have something to hang on the wall.  When we bought said items, she sent them on to her twin, without even sending us a thank you note, nor telling her twin where she got these gifts.  Keep in mind that where she is, shipping is expensive.  Also, she wanted regular coffee shipped from the states to her, when it would have just been cheaper to have given her the money for the coffee and have her pick it up there!  I guess, since they don't spend their money wisely, this wouldn't have worked, as the money would have been spent elsewhere.  So, yes, now that the holidays are upon us, I get to buy for other family members, including DH's step-grandmother, with whom his mom and step-dad sometimes live.  That's awkward, at best, but it is hard to not give something to a very sweet, 80-something year old lady.  So, we'll buy something for grandma, and forget about his mom and step-dad, which is sad, especially during the holidays.  Since their health is failing, and they make really poor choices (career, lifestyle), then I worry about them and pray.  But, I cannot diffuse her misplaced/displaced anger and jealousy (which my DH finally figured out after speaking with his father about a week ago - finally, after all this time - DH is 40, his parents have been divorced for 36 years).

        Signed - HT Hag from Hades

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades/Posted: 13-MAY-03
Worst Christmas gift?  OK, they are on food stamps, living w/her MIL, and she manages to secure $50 money orders for our 2 daughters.  Then, with her food stamps, she bought (and sent) some local candy, cheap, nasty cr@p (most of it) that we've told her we don't like.  And, her card (we haven't spoken to her for nearly a year, due to her outrageous outbursts) @ Christmas said that a mom will always (it was underlined) love her son, no matter what, as if he created the problem!!!  Oh, yes, she wrote, Merry Christmas DIL (nothing about love).  But, the very same MIL who gave me weight reduction info, gave me cheap cr@ppy candy (after trying to bribe our girls).  I wish they'd get real jobs and stop bumming off of food stamps.  I don't like that they usurp the system!

        Signed - Wish She'd Get A Life and A Job!

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades/Posted: 11-MAY-03
It's been just over a year since my MIL wrote the nasty-gram.  She's now involved me, her son(s), our eldest daughter, her twin sister and her sister's DIL (and I don't know how many others from their family).  She has made no effort to apologize, just has sent a couple of doozies, seething w/near hate.  She has berated her son and me, and acted extremely childish.  I know it's childish on my part to vent here, but I'm frustrated.  My DH announced today that he's going to send his mother a birthday card (she's turning 61 in a couple of days).  My initial thought was that it was kind of a shock, but I was glad, as I used to do this.  I told him that it was up to him to do this.  Since I mean nothing to her, it's a waste of my time and energies.  Then, it hit me that she is being rewarded for her foul behavior, and I was angry.  I don't know how to adequately express this, as none of my own family have ever acted out in such a manner.  I could see if I deserved the accusations and hatred that she spewed, but I didn't/don't, and she accused me, never asked me.  She has gone out of her way to pretend to befriend me, and then has repeatedly done hurtful things.  The thing is that I initially liked her.  I used to think (up until her nasty note) that we had an OK relationship, that she was just a bit quirky and moody.  I now know differently.  And, now I fear we'll be living it all over again, as she'll feel like it's OK, as if nothing ever happened.  And, she'll feel as if she can do this again.  The risks, IMO, far outweigh the happiness of sending her card to her.  I have half of a notion to not send her birthday card, but I'll do it.  The only thoughts I have of her are of the things that she did that were hurtful and offensive (such as bringing all the weight loss info after I had the baby and the letter, even her tone of voice and how she addresses me), even selfish and childish (her outbursts in letters and a lack of tact).  I had buried and forgotten most of these things.  But, no longer.  I no longer feel any compassion or love, just a lot of anger and resentment.  Thankfully, my daughters are old enough to see the lies and the person behind them for who and what they are - a pathetic attempt to get attention and to be waited on as if she were a princess.  I pity her, in a way, yet she ...

        Signed - Dug Her Own Grave
 
( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades/Posted: 10-MAR-03
Over 10 years ago my MIL called to tell us (both of us) that they could not afford Christmas.  They asked us to please put something under the tree from them?  Sure, I said.  I selected the very thing that I knew DD would like the best (something that we were going to give her).  Sure, they were more expensive (heck, we were on 1 income, too, since I was @ home), but it was Christmas.  So, I wrapped it up and put the PILs name on it as the giver.  MIL never even thanked us for doing that.  It was as if we owed her that much.  I don't know why.  Keep in mind that a then 2 year old was not going to remember that, nor them, necessarily.  But, she was insistent on having something under the tree from her and FIL.  She could have given up smoking for a while (both of them could have), or drinking, or some of their other vices.  But, that was OK, we'd do it for them.  I tried so many ways to appease that woman.  Yes, I'm digging down deep, harboring stuff, dredging up the past now, but I want people to see what I've been having to deal with all these years!  Fortunately for me, she lives a long way away!  That is one of my deepest fears - moving back to DH's hometown.  His father and stepmother are wonderful.  But, the other family is his mother's, and she's a pathetic wreck who believes in her mother's (now deceased) card readings and predictions (most were so very vague).  And, she relies on them to lead/live her life.  I don't want her negative outlook affecting my children, either.  Since her letter, she's tried to get my daughter (especially my older one) to write to her, as if to continue a relationship with them without their parents (DH and me).  I think not!  She needs to work to make amends, and to retract her statements in order to repair our reputation and relationship.  And, she's not willing to budge.  I know that life is short, but one of my biggest fears is to cave in on this, as this would set a precedent where she might do it again.  Thankfully, my daughters are intelligent and sensitive, and they see through her without my prompting.  She's just placed them in an unfair situation.

        Signed - Unfair Situation

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades/Posted: 9-MAR-03
You know that you are going to have a doozey for a MIL when she tells you, when she meets you, that she'll always love you (she doesn't know you yet), and that should you not make it as a couple, she'll love you anyway.  Was she expecting the marriage to fail, perhaps as her own did and her 2nd nearly did during that very time?  Then she didn't bother to tell you that she would not be coming to the wedding (not until less than a week before the big day).  Gee, like we didn't have plans, like we didn't need to know how many corsages, meals, lodging, etc.  Granted, it is out of state (west coast vs. east coast), but we offered to pay part of the way and to postpone, even though she knew about the date for about 14 months.  You know it's gonna be bad when she tries to be your buddy, telling you that you are just like she was/is and how much she loves you.  She did this at the table, with all of her relatives, telling them that we were living together (and it was common knowledge) and how nice it was to experiment and have many other guys before marriage, sexual liberation, etc., from the pill (she had asked me about birth control).  What do you say, especially since she said this in front of many of her family members, while sitting at the table at her twin's home?  Should I have just laughed it off?  It was none of her business how many were before her son, none whatsoever.  She was a virgin upon marriage, bravo.  It doesn't work that way for everyone.  She had to have her mother read my cards, make predictions.  I was nervous about this, as I didn't believe in it and it felt wrong.  And, she had to put down her ex-husband and his wife (she, is the reason for the divorce, due to her need for extra attention on the side and needing to be treated like a princess).  It was so uncomfortable!  Why not support our union instead of trying to tear it down?  Gads!  Argh!

        Signed - Why Not Support Our Union

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades, 1 of 4 needed  Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 6-MAR-03
When my MIL found out that I was pregnant, she wanted to be the only one to be called "Grandma" (there are 3 women who could use this title).  I finally convinced her that I was not going to tell the others that they could not use that name, but rather suggested that she go by "Memere" (pronounced, meh-may), which, in French, means "grandma".  I thought that it was a nice one, as it adhered to my husband's culture and tradition.  After all, her mother was "memere" to my husband, why not continue this and pass down something that my family cannot (we are not French-Canadian).  She is a twin, and as her sister has said, "She is selfish, and very needy for attention."  There is more.  I will write more tomorrow, or in the near future, as it is 1:30 AM and I'm tired.  I think that my MIL has never liked me, and I'll work toward proving that end.

        Signed - HT Hag From Hades

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades, 2 of 4 needed  Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 7-MAR-03
Any time my MIL called (she doesn't call anymore, she blames me for a whole bunch of fabricated stuff), she didn't want to talk to me (up until the last 2 times she called).  But, she'd talk to my husband and mention, every so often, the girl next door (or down the street?).  This girl had a crush on my husband.  She'd talk about how she became someone really special, and how she really liked him, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum.  She even did this when we went back to visit her in 1986, when she met me for the 1st time, and when we went to visit her out of the country a few years ago, as well as when she was a houseguest more than 10 years ago.  More on her visit to see us another night.

        Signed - The Girl Next Door

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades, 3 of 4 needed Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 8-MAR-03
My MIL decided to call my home and talk with my husband, only addressing me as "your wife" when telling him that his aunt's mail wasn't delivered to the right address because I put "Aunt F" (no last name, but correct address, city, state, zip code) on the envelope.  She griped on and on for at least 10 minutes about how I do things.  The funny thing is that at least they get done!  I thought it to be a more personal touch than writing Mrs. F L.  She didn't have the courage to talk to me about this.  She just griped to my husband.  Incidentally, aunt F is his aunt (obviously), not mine.  So, now, I write "Aunt F L" on her mail, as a compromise.  It is just one of those things that goes to show that you can never please some people.  They have to have some reason to gripe about you, especially if you married their son!

        Signed - Have To Have Some Reason To Gripe

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - HT Hag From Hades, 4 of 4 needed Frequent Fry Her TM - HT Hag From Hades, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 9-MAR-03
I know that she doesn't have much (if any $), but it becomes apparent how she feels about me each time a major event (birthday or Christmas) comes up.  For the kids, she always found $ (and also for her own son), yet I'd be "lucky" to get a card.  I guess I just feel hurt, as my parents treat my husband as if he was their own son.  There is no difference in gifts, and everything goes acknowledged.  I understand the $ thing, but it's frustrating when, at Christmas, my husband and kids notice that they haven't really sent me anything.  I'm done with excuses.  There's no excuse for the kind of treatment I've taken over the years from her.  It's not the present, it's the thought (or lack there of).  I am very secure with who I am, even in spite of her references to the neighbor girl and diet plans, etc.  I know this sounds petty, but it's just that the other set of in-laws and my parents don't act this way, and it did used to hurt.  The last card I refused to open, as just a week before that was when "the letter" arrived.  My husband opened it, and I'd venture to say that it was just a card with a signature in it.  Nothing special was written (not that I'd believe it, anyway).  No money, nothing.

        Signed - Just A Card

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

 


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