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Frequent Fry HerTM
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Insane In The MIL Brain
Age: 40    MILAge: 73

Finally getting it right!
frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain Posted: 14-APR-12
I was reading another post about the MIL who broke in and set off DIL's house alarm.  I remembered that MY MIL did that too!  She also has tried calling various places and saying that she is me.  At one time or another we have had all our credit cards alert us because she did this.  You know how they ask you for your mother's maiden name as proof if you have all other verifying information?  Well, stupid MIL, we NEVER use your OR my DM names!  Busted!

She put in a change of address card for our mail so it would go to her.  The post office contacted us.  She changed her driver's license to our address, then waited outside at our mailbox and took the mail from the carrier, showing her license as proof she lived here.

My DD looked up our family name on her PC and we discovered that MIL was listed as having MY first name as her middle name.  It was listed as one of her aliases.  I'm sure this was some kind of freakish attempt to pretend that she was me by saying, "Oh, (my name) is my middle name!!"

When she was staying here this summer, she left behind a folder in the guest room.  I thought it was just part of the numerous garbage items that she left for me to throw out - seriously, boxes, empty shampoo bottles, lotions, insides from new shoe boxes, etc.  There was garbage all over the guest room, while there was an EMPTY garbage can right there!  I checked the folder before pitching it.  It had my DD's medical cards that she had STOLEN from the emergency kit we hang by the front door!  Seriously?  What were you going to do with those, MIL?  Or did you not want DGC to get proper medical care when she went into anaphylactic shock because you were yet again trying to serve her an EGG?  It also had pictures and scribbles that were from DGC over the years, each marked with notes on where they were, if my DH was there, if I (DIL) was there.  If it was a paper place-mat from a restaurant, she wrote what my DD had eaten and who paid.  Weird!  I almost felt like it was type of documentation she was saving to use against us later.  It all went in the shredder.  She never asked about the missing folder.

        Signed - Your Other Alias Is Dumb@$$
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain Posted: 7-APR-12
Here is a story my DD wrote for her advanced English class.  We were cleaning out her binder and I found it.  She gave me her permission to "share it with others".  She is 11 and in 6th grade.

"When I hear the word 'grandparent', I think I'd rather be suicidal.  Yes, my grandmother, my dad's mom, is that bad.  I'd rather have not been born than to see her every day.  Ever since she moved to (name of local condominium), she visits EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.  If that wasn't enough, last June she lived in the room next to me and because of her, it smells like drugs.  She smokes like 20 packs a day, and drinks so much I think it affects her behavior.  Now I know this for a fact, as you get older, you go nuts.  Either my grandmother is suffering some brain trauma or she just has problems.  I think it's both.  Because of her great parenting, my dad is now messed up and because of his great parenting, he's messing me up!  The only people on my dad's side of the family that are ALIVE, that I know of, are my grandmother and my dad.  My uncle (name), who I have never met, died on a motorcycle on April 1st".

Wow!  I have to say, we have had a few "heart to hearts" since I read that.  It seems that even though my MIL's attacks are only focused on me, they are having a HUGE impact on my DD!  She also has a lot of anger towards DH for "allowing" his mother to act this way towards me!

The way your MIL acts towards you WILL affect your children!  That is so even if she is nice to them, but mean to you!

I do want to say that my MIL does not do drugs, it's just the smoking my DD is referring to.  MIL stayed in our rec room while house-hunting.  Although we made her smoke outside, it did stink like smoke very badly when she moved out.  Just from her person and clothes, I had to steam-clean the carpet, wash the curtains, and sanitize the entire room.  DD has asthma, so she is very sensitive to any smoke or smoke smell.  She HATES it.  She was very offended because this was her "hangout" room for her and friends - toys and TV, etc.  She felt MIL fouled it up while she spent the summer giving it up to so MIL could live here (and act nasty and ungrateful the whole time).

I am looking into counseling for DD.  She sure needs someone to vent to.  I have 2 choices:  Divorce DH, because he won't cut off contact, or help DD deal with MIL.  I don't like choice #1 for two reasons.  First, DH DOES stand up for me against MIL.  We ARE a team, so no problem there.  Second, MIL has repeatedly said that if we ever divorce, she will put in a petition for visitation when we do.  In my state, if a couple divorces, during the custody hearing the grandparent(s) can petition separately for visitation.  I have no desire to get divorced, and it would be worse for DD in the end if she had to EVER see MIL alone!  At least we don't allow that now!

        Signed - DD Needs Counseling Because MIL Is SO NASTY To Me!
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain Posted: 7-APR-12
Reading all the stories reminds me of my own wedding and how my MIL acted.  This was many years ago, but I still remember.  This happened when we were engaged.  She insisted that we register at a national store, since all of our family members lived in different states.  She REALLY insisted that we do it one weekend at HER local store when we were visiting.  I thought, why not later, at home, when we have more time to make multiple visits?  Fortunately, DH would not let her go with us.

At the the time I didn't understand the big argument with them, but found out later.  Since it was her "local" store, she went later and told them that I didn't live there and had authorized her to make changes to the registry.  When my bridal shower came, I started opening numerous wonderful gifts from several family members who were present, and gifts from those who had mailed them ahead to my sister (MOH).  The problem?  Not ONE THING was what I had registered for, or the actual items were the THINGS that we had registered for, but MIL had changed our entire color scheme from beige and ivory to maroon and hunter green.

I just want to explain that I am not greedy, and by word of mouth, when people asked, I told them that we had nothing!  We would be grateful for them to attend, but if asked, any useful household item in neutral would be fine.  Why neutral?  We were saving for a house, so I didn't want to commit to a color scheme yet.  The point is, she changed my registry, everything from the dishes that I picked out to the towels and shower curtain.  I very calmly asked her WHY would you change our choices behind our backs?  Her answer was that my DH looks better surrounded in green and maroon, so I better get used to those colors.  She then informed me that everything else I selected was tacky and low-class looking, so she was doing me a favor.  All I could say was....

        Signed - You Picked The "Tacky" Store, Honey!
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain Posted: 7-APR-12
My husband and I were married for several years before he finally stuck up for me.  He knew his mother was nuts.  When we were in college and still just friends, he told me that she was schizophrenic.  But, at the time, I laughed it off and told him, "Everyone says that about their mom!"

Fast forward 6 years.  MIL has been sneaking rude comments and major NASTINESS towards me every time DH and FIL are out of the room, but she is sugar-sweet in front of them.  This particular day, MIL and FIL were staying at our newish home (about a year old) for a week-long visit.  It was during a MAJOR rainstorm.  MIL was already agitated because we couldn't go to the beach that day.  We were always her convenient beach vacation home anyway, trust me.  We were also to blame if any bad weather happened while she visited.  If any of you live on the coast, you know how the weather is.  It can rain on a whim, no warning, very hard, but one hour later it is sunny and beautiful beach weather.

She didn't get it.  So she was upstairs, whining and pacing the hallway.  Stupid me, I went up there to tell her to knock it off or comfort her or something.  I don't remember!  At this time she thought my DH had gone out with FIL to the store.  We were supposed to be alone.  As I approached her in the hallway, a drop of water fell from the attic opening.  She froze, then screamed in horror.  "Your roof is caving in!"  I said, "Hold on, hold on, lets just check it out.  It's just a couple of drops."  The next thing I knew, she was screaming and she flew at me.  She pinned me up against the wall, screaming about how I bought a dump and ruined her son's life.  I forced him into a money pit, etc.  Well, SURPRISE!  DH WAS STILL HOME!  He came racing up the stairs before I could react, ripped her off of me and told her to GET OUT!  She then tried to cry assault on him!  He told her to go for it!  The police can help haul your butt out!  Ahhh.  Sweet memories.  Alas, they made up, and we had many more years of drama.  He did believe every word I said after that, though.

        Signed - She Never Touched Me Again
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain Posted: 31-MAR-12
I have a lot of sympathy for all of you here who have had your weddings ruined by the MIL. I have a story for you too.  Maybe it will help one of you to avoid some of the issues that come up.

When I was engaged, I had some idea of my MIL.  But, BOY, I had no idea how bad it would get over the years.  I had some clue that MIL was getting too nosy and "overly-involved" in the wedding plans.  She had to know every detail, down to illustrations of every dress and decoration.  Verbal descriptions were not enough.  I was a little clueless, but my sister gave me advice, and I am glad I followed it.

The next time we visited MIL, I brought a wedding magazine with pages bookmarked.  I "showed" her the bridesmaid dresses - full length navy blue form fitting (whereas they were actually black tea-length with full skirts).  I let my 3 sisters pick them out, and we had a black and white formal wedding.  You guessed it, she went to her local bridal shop and ordered a replica of the EXACT bridesmaid dress I had shown her!  Boy, was she surprised when she showed up in her full length, navy blue, formfitting dress, and all of my wedding party was in black and white!  Hers was the EXACT dress from the magazine that I had shown her!

My DSM was in pastel yellow and my DM was in pastel pink and green.  All of the flowers were done in pastels to offset the black and white.  Just so you know, I am not heartless.  I had told MIL in many previous discussions that the flowers would be pastels, and that the other "moms" would be wearing pastels. 

To this day it is a big joke (secretly) between my sisters and me about how MIL showed up in that bridesmaid dress.  Also, I had told them that she might cause issues during the wedding, and to watch my back.  Well, she did.  The first was refusing to go into the church when the wedding started.  She was waiting outside the door to the side chapel for us to come out, I think, to mouth off at me!

One of my BMs saw her first, and firmly took her by the arm and marched her @ss into the church, telling her, "We will not come out and start this wedding until you get in your seat!  Now sit down and BEHAVE YOURSELF!"  God bless her.  She really lets it out when she is irritated.  Ha-ha!

MIL was mad that she was seated with my DM and SF.  She thought she should get her own table!  Understand, they were long tables, seating 20.  I am not sorry her 10 family members did not get the other half of the table empty and to themselves!  I had my DF and DSM at the opposite end of the room, so tables were equal.  His table was full, and relatives flowed to the next one.  The next morning she said that she should have been seated with MY DD!  Get real!

On to the next morning, sort of.  Once again, my DS came to the rescue and told me, "LIE ABOUT WHERE YOU ARE STAYING ON THE WEDDING NIGHT."  She is so smart!  I told MIL the name of my DF and DSM's hotel instead.  Guess what they saw her doing that night after the reception?  Throwing a fit at the front desk, DEMANDING to be told our room number!  We weren't even staying there, so the last laugh was on her!

The following morning, we checked out and went to our house to grab our luggage and head out to our honeymoon.  Surprise!  There was MIL, parked in our driveway, waiting for us!  DH said, "Let me handle this."  Then, he came back to the car and told me that she wants to open our wedding gifts with us before we (and she) leave town.  I said, "NO!"   Besides, my MOH (sister) took them all to her house to keep until we came home from honeymoon.  At this, she insisted that we drive over there immediately (to another city!) and barge in on her and open all the gifts with her.  We were getting ready to go on a 7 hour car ride to our honeymoon!  I'm SOOO glad that I put my foot down!

BTW, I returned to our house to find that my sisters had decorated our bedroom with flower petals and streamers, and had also driven from their neighboring city to set up all of our wedding gifts in the living room.  AND, they vacuumed and cleaned my kitchen for me!  I'm so glad we didn't barge in on my sister the day after the wedding to open those gifts!  It would have ruined quite a surprise for me!  Well, it just went on to more torture over the years, but that is another story

        Signed - MIL Was A Honeymoon Stalker
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain Posted: 31-MAR-12
I see a lot of stories here about money issues with in-laws, and issues about MIL controlling money that was supposed to go to the kids when there has been a death in the family.  I VERY strongly suspect that this has happened with my DH, and here's why:

My DFIL worked out of the country (without MIL) for 7 years.  He told us he made a lot of money tax-free, every year he was there.  He also told us that he was investing and putting it all in various savings, and only letting MIL have his retirement pay each month to spend (no mortgage).

Right before he died, he gave DH an expensive piece of jewelry, took it right off his wrist, and a certified letter saying that he had $30,000 in bonds for our DD.  He died shortly after that.  That was 2 1/2 years ago.  We respectfully waited A YEAR for MIL to give us the bonds.  Then, DH finally presented her with the certified letter.  Don't get me wrong here, theirs was not a love marriage.  FIL and MIL had separate rooms, and, like I said, he had been out of the country for 7 years.

Well, it took 6 months of nagging by DH to get the bonds, and then there was only $10,000 worth.  FIL's letter specifically said $30,000.  She said, "No, that will be the final worth."  There is nothing we can do.  This is the MIL who has my first name listed as an alias for her middle name.  I think she cashed the bonds.

She sold the house for a significant amount of money, and FIL left her with a nice amount of cash savings on top of all the money he earned overseas.  She was crying poor to DH, and denied the other money.  DH was VERY close to FIL, and I strongly suspect (mostly due to her secrecy and withholding the bonds when she thought we didn't know about them), that DH was left money by FIL.  I guess we will never know.

DH was hurt that he thought FIL left our DD so much and him nothing.  I told him, "Don't worry about it.  When a spouse dies, it is only right for the living spouse to get everything.  Your father did what was right!"  I know in my heart that she is not passing something else on to him though.  If we didn't have that letter, to this day those bonds would be in her possession without our knowledge.

        Signed - Not Sorry About The Money, Just Sorry About The Lies
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain Posted: 31-MAR-12
I think that a lot of my MIL's nasty comments and poor treatment towards me stems from jealousy.  It took me many years to figure that out.

When I met her for the first time, she kept commenting on my long curly hair and touching it.  It was getting very creepy.  She started growing her hair out right away.  Later, when her hair was almost as long as mine, I cut mine into a bob.  Two visits later, you guessed it!  She had the same exact cut!  A very angled bob.  Now, when I see her, I pull my hair up.  I have been doing this for years.  Occasionally, I will straighten it one day and then let it curl the next, just to confuse her.

It gets lighter in the summer, so she constantly harasses me about what dye I use.  It is natural!  Last year I lied and told her the name of a very blond dye that I had seen at the store.  My hair is brown!  She must be blind, because, yep, the next time we saw her, she was blond!  It looked hilarious with her black eyebrows!

She is schizophrenic and goes off on tantrums.  The point being that she has not had any friends since I have known her (except one "psychic" whom she calls her friend, but she pays her a lot of money).  She gets very angry if I get a phone call or text, or my DD has a friend over when she is around.  She lives in town, so it is bound to happen!  She said that when she stops by (uninvited), we should tell our other guests to leave because "family" is here.  The uninvited visits are being addressed, by the way.

Here is a story about a vacation we all took.  She thinks we should all vacation together (another issue for another time).  Two years ago, we all went to the Bahamas.  While there, I made two friends at the resort.  One lives here in the states and one lives in the Bahamas.  These lovely ladies were with their children and had met on a previous vacation.  Instant playmates for my DD!  It was wonderful!  We still all stay in touch.  I also ran into a friend from college, and the way it happened was that our children were playing together and then "introduced" us!  What a small world!  We are still in touch, too!

My MIL was FURIOUS!  How dare I speak to other people on our vacation!  Now, she did go off and do things on her own, like gamble at the casino, and we offered for her to swim with the dolphins, but she didn't want to.  So it wasn't like I was with her and gave her the cold shoulder!  She wasn't even there!

Two years later, she still asks me about my "so-called friends", as she puts it, and complains.  Now she says that she knows that I just call people I don't know friends, and that I never really had any.  Hello!  I went to school with one of them for four years!  Plus, her statement totally disregards the friends I have in town, that I have had since living here, 12+ years.  Our children have grown up together and they are all friends now.  I think she is just jealous.

        Signed - Can't Make New Friends On Vacation
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 17-MAR-12
My MIL gave me an opened box of waxed paper sandwich bags.  The illustration on the front looked like it was from the 70's.  Much later, when I was showing the box to DH and we were laughing over it, we found a date on the box - 1965!  Holy smokes!  DH wasn't even born yet!  I have to say, though, what a great product.  All of the bags were still in one piece, even though they were a little yellowish.

        Signed - I'll Be Sure And Hand Them Down To DD!
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 24-MAR-12
I have been dealing with my MIL for 19 years.  I just want to say to all of the younger couples and the newly married that it CAN get better.  Has my MIL changed one bit?  NO!  What happened?  We went to couple's counseling to learn how to deal with her.  When necessary, I cut her off until she respects HEALTHY boundaries.  Then, she respects them and we resume contact.  I have matured, and she has gotten elderly.

It helps if you have a sense of humor.  You will need it!  Treat her like the joke she is!  Keep coming here to get GREAT advice.  The DILs here are very smart.  In short, the best advice here that I have used:

1.  Smile and nod and tune her out.  Do not speak or "share" anything personal.  She doesn't care what you have to say.

2.  When asked very personal questions about "nunya" topics, just smile and say, "I really can't answer that."  Or, "I just don't have an answer for you."  It will drive her nuts.

3.  Be sweet and courteous at all times, because you know you are anyway!  Do NOT vent to your DH!  If you must, and I have, always wrap it in a compliment (she worries so much about us - how sweet, BUT) so he can see how much you care (ha-ha) about her.  You will come out looking concerned, but hurt.

4.  Go to couple's counseling, even it is alone.  If DH never goes (mine did, eventually), DH will still see that you are doing everything YOU can to correct the problems.  Plus, it will help you learn coping tools and strategies you will need as long as MIL is alive.

5.  Pick your battles.  When you do not like or get along with someone, everything that person does drives you nuts.  Repeat the offense in your head, only replace MIL with someone you deeply love.  Then ask yourself how you would handle it.  This should be #1, actually, because it has saved my sanity.

6.  Keep coming here and venting, seeking advice, and supporting the other DILs.  It really does help when you can share with others who understand.

7.  A P.S. of sorts.  Also, invest in a locking file cabinet and/or safe deposit box.  It sure took the wind out of my nosy MIL's sails the first time she arrived and we had NO personal papers to snoop in.  I just let her sneak and snoop to her heart's content now, mostly when we are all in bed and my DH and I grasp each other and stifle our laughter when we hear her rummaging.  There isn't so much as a utility bill that isn't locked up!  Hee-hee.  Oh yeah, delete CID off your phone, too.  She will write down every # that called you, if she is nosy like my MIL.

I hope that helped.  I have a strong marriage that did not involve forcing my DH to "confront" his mother, but it did take time.  The irony is that now he defends me with a passion.  It is such a shock!  Too bad I don't really need him to.  Still, the humor factor is great!

        Signed - It CAN Get Better!
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 24-MAR-12
I work with children in special education.  When I first started my job (and life's calling), my MIL asked me several questions about the children I work with.  Then, she said, "All of those children should be destroyed at birth!  We should not have to pay for them, or support them!"  She has never even earned a living!  Oh, yes, I asked if she thought the same way about people with personality disorders and anger issues?  Because I know certain PEOPLE like that!  Her response, "Wellll ... those people can get help and get cured."  I laughed and told her, "Well some of them better hurry up and get some help!"  She walked away.  Perhaps I hit too close to home?

        Signed - Practice What You Preach
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frequent fry her - insaneintheMILbrain Frequent Fry Her TM. - insaneintheMILbrain, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 24-MAR-12
This is the story of my wedding rings, and I love it.  When DH and I got engaged, he had secretly been delivering pizzas to save up and propose to me.  It was a beautiful solitaire, slightly over .5 carrot.  Small, but perfect.  I LOVED it and said YES!  We were in college and didn't have much.

The next time we saw FMIL she made a big fuss over HER FULL CARAT diamond, and told me repeatedly that someday it would go to her only child, DS.  Well, I told her it was lovely, and how nice.  She got upset and asked me if I UNDERSTOOD the ring was not to go to ME, but DH.  I told her, "I have nothing to do with what you pass down.  Good for you.  Your ring is lovely.  I prefer mine."

Before our wedding, DH graduated and was working.  He surprised me with a point 90 carrot ring for the wedding.  Then, during the course of the next 7 years, DFIL secretly sent me several diamonds while living and working in another country.  He would hide them inside of a magazine with a note that said, "Shhhh ... just for you."  DH took them on our 15th anniversary and had a new ring made.  It is over three carrots, with my old diamond on one side, a matching carrot on the other, and 1.65 in the middle.  FIL loved it!  Boy, was MIL mad!  I swear, DH did it just get her back!  BEST gift EVER!

She still resents my ring, and now she tries to brag about how hers is "white gold" and "everyone" knows how "cheap" yellow gold is.  She says that my ring "looks fake".  I am just blown away by the kindness of FIL and DH.  I would still be happy with my .5 carrot.  I felt a cocoon of protection and love from them doing this.  I can't always get DH to stand up against MIL's nastiness, but he got a free pass on this one for years.  I never said a word, and they did that for me.

        Signed - Princess DIL
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