Frequent
Fry Her TM
- NorthernGirlSouthernHousewife, 1 of 4 needed
/Posted: 15-MAR-08 Worst gift: I know that
there are much worse gifts than those I've received over the years,
but I still felt the need to share this. On the first Christmas
I spent with DH (then BF), on the very same day that I first met MIL,
BIL and GMIL, GMIL gave us a gift. We got matching teddy bear
Christmas stockings. They were kind of cute. I was happy
that she was already giving us matching gifts. It seemed so
thoughtful and accepting of our relationship. Then, with a smile,
GMIL looked me in the eyes and said, "They're for you to use
from here on out, until you split up. Then, you'll have to fight
for custody!" The room was silent, and MIL huffed off.
Apparently, it was a joke at MIL's expense about her divorce.
I guess it did teach me right from the beginning that I was a non-person
to them. If nothing else, it gave me an interesting story.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- NorthernGirlSouthernHousewife, 2 of 4 needed
/Posted: 19-MAR-08
Ah, so many little stories to share about my ILs.
I could talk about the time we met GMIL at a hotel to celebrate DH's
birthday. After DH and BIL walked in the door, she looked me
in the eyes, slammed the door, opened it a second later and said,
"Sorry, I didn't see you there!" Or, how GMIL threw a huge
fit at our wedding about how she had to be escorted down the aisle.
It was a low key wedding, very inexpensive and laid back. DH's
family wasn't involved in the least, so I guess they didn't know what
to expect until a few of them bothered to show up (they're close by,
and most didn't come, while almost all of my large family flew from
across the country). Or, maybe I could write about how MIL likes
to pick fancy restaurants to eat at, has us pick her up and drop her
off (even though she has a car), picks a place where DS can't eat
- a place that costs way too much, orders whenever she feels like
it - whether we're ready or not, and gets appetizers to eat by herself
in front of our hungry 2 year old (and she has only offered him food
once). She then decides randomly about whether or not she'll
pay for us after inviting us out there (I don't think this will be
happening ever again). But, my favorite, or, rather, most painful
story has to do not with DH's actual blood relatives, but with his
best friend's family. They have pretty much claimed him as one
of their own. The mom has always been super sweet. The
dad is fun and relaxed. Their two kids (DH's best friend since
forever, and his older brother) are great guys, and we've always loved
hanging out with them. There were a few things that bothered
me, but nothing awful?? We adopted a baby. During the
adoption process, these people were very helpful and supportive.
We received long hugs at every positive or negative step. They
were references for us. They never said a bad word and were
fully supportive. And, then we got the call. There was
a 21 month old baby boy in Ethiopia waiting for us. It was one
of the most incredible moments of my life: seeing his sweet face for
the first time, hearing his name, getting to know my son through a
couple of photographs and some background/medical reports. It
was such an emotionally charged day - a day I can never, ever forget.
My parents were, unfortunately, occupied for the night, so we chose
to visit DH's friend's parents with the news. After all, they
were like family. They were extremely close to MIL and BIL,
always claiming DH and BIL as other sons. They welcomed me to
"the family" on our wedding day, etc. We were there
showing them the pictures of our gorgeous little boy and talking about
him, and then it got weird. Suddenly the mom wanted us to pick
a name RIGHT NOW!!! We'd already settled on a name that we liked,
with a couple of backup names. But, we wanted to make sure it
fit him and went with his original names, as we were keeping those
as middle names and wanted to complement them. The mom listened
to our choices of names and sat there critiquing them, going on about
whether she'd like the names or not, whether they'd fit him, did he
look like a "X" or not, etc. She had us "vote"
for names at one point, asking us what we thought of them. Um,
I thought that was supposed to be our job to decide. When did
she become his mom? Of course, we mentioned that we were considering
keeping his original name and just tacking on our last name.
We may as well have said that we planned on beating him, because,
oh man, they both launched into a tirade! Did we really want
to do that to a poor, innocent child? They couldn't even pronounce
the name! It sounded so foreign. We'd be making it hard
for him to make friends, get good grades, get a job, etc. Sorry,
again, our choice, not yours. And, it's actually a very common
Ethiopian name that many people we've met have heard of and can pronounce.
And, yes, I think he'd do fine with that name. And, if he chose
to go by it, then hooray for him! He has our full support there.
The name thing? Not the worst of it. See, we have lots
of pets. I used to volunteer with a no kill animal shelter and
our area has an insane animal overpopulation rate. So, we have
6 cats. So sue me. We still passed the home study, as
we keep our house clean. Our house is actually set up for this
number of animals, and we've had many people tell us, when walking
in, that they can't believe we have cats at all. Unfortunately,
one day DH's friend's parents came over to pick us up for something,
walked in uninvited, and smelled a bad smell. At the time, one
of our cats was sick (didn't last long), and, yeah, the litter area
stunk like crazy. As it's near the front door, you could definitely
smell it right when you walked in (but not from the rest of the house).
I'm not going to deny that it stunk for a while before our cat got
better. But, that's definitely not the norm for our house.
So, here we were, sitting at a table on the very first day that we
had seen our son's picture, still jittery and excited and scared and
emotional and all that jazz, and a little bit put off by the name
thing at the same time. But, hey, we were told to expect something
like that. Suddenly, the mom reached over and grabbed my hand.
She looked me in the eyes and started going on about my cats and how
I have to get rid of them. She said that I can either have pets
or children, not both, and I needed to understand this. She
said that our house is disgusting and, as a mother, she would never
allow her own child in our house. She said that I'd see the
child as just another pet, and I can't be a real mother because I
have so many cats and only know how to be a pet owner. A social
worker would walk in and take our son away instantly when they saw
our cats. When we protested this fact (they'd just give us a
warning to change), she went on about how she'd never let a kid in
our house and no person in their right mind would allow it.
None of this was said to my DH, only to me (4 of the cats are DH's
and he wants more, not getting them though). As the conversation
went on, it got worse and worse. They told me of that horrible
smell in the house (the one time they were in it!!!) and how no child
should be subjected to that. There was obviously fecal matter
on the floor with a smell like that, which our child would eat.
I was horrible for allowing a little child to eat poo. Um, I
think I'd know if there was poo on my floor. It was just bizarre.
The worst part was that we did have trouble with our social worker
after these people, supposedly "just like family", handed
in their reference letter for us, which we weren't allowed to read.
We were only now hearing that they think we treat children like pets
and wouldn't allow a child in our house, but they were hugging us
at every turn. Ugh! How duplicitous! So, that happened
in August. I was upset to tears for days because I knew that
we'd just lost people whom we thought were great friends, and I knew
they'd ruined what should have been one of the happiest days of our
lives. I will never be able to disassociate the day we first
heard about our son with the day that we felt belittled and betrayed
by people we'd felt so close to. To rub it in, they went on
about how we could, and should, bring DS over any time, as their house
was perfect for kids. They'd never get bored or angry (like
I would be doing constantly). They had all the food and room,
and only 2 cats. They knew that I couldn't handle a child, so
they knew I'd be dropping him off constantly, and that was okay.
They'd welcome him with open arms, because he was one of them now.
In December, we saw them again for the first time since that celebration
day. They hadn't tried to contact us but once over a question
about one of their cats, nothing to do with our DS. They didn't
come to see him when he got home, even though they're incredibly important
to DH. They are the only "family" that never physically
abandoned him and always embraced him. They took him in when
his mom moved overseas when he was 15, and gave him a place to stay
for breaks from boarding school and college. Finally, we saw
them at a Christmas party at DH's mother's house. I brought
my best friend to help support me, and so she'd be with me when I
conveniently left early with DS (her family is my "extra family").
DH's friend's family was there in total. They fit right in with
the other ILs. They act just like one big family together.
Everyone played nice. Barely anyone acknowledged me or DS.
Finally DH's friend's mom pulled me aside. She demanded to know
what I was saying about her behind her back. What was this she
heard about her saying something hurtful and me being upset with her?
I told her a little bit, reminding her of her words. But, oh
no, that wasn't what she said! I had warped her words in my
overemotional mind! She would never say anything like that.
She never apologized for any harm taken, but she pretty much demanded
an apology from me, since I was spreading lies about her, hurting
her, keeping her from DH and DS, whom she also sees as part of her
family now (I'm not included anymore, apparently). She had me
backed into a corner in a darkened room, raising her voice, getting
very accusatory about how mean I was and how I was making things up.
Then she started to demand that I say that we're "okay"
with each other, before giving me the most awkward bear hug of my
life. I left right after that, and haven't spoken to her since.
I did tell her that we're okay, not because we are, but because I
wanted to get away from this woman who was acting erratic and starting
to get physical (grabbing wrists and shoulders and such). I
wanted to get back to enjoying my first Christmas with my DS, something
I would not let her ruin. DH spent a few more hours with the
whole family so that he could get that out of the way for the next
year or so. I went home vowing never to be around, or let DS
be around, that crazy woman ever again. DH agrees wholeheartedly,
though I feel so bad for him, since he really feels let down (again)
by his whole family, including them. For the record, the only
poo DS has touched has been his own on a couple of "helping mommy
change a diaper" occasions. The sick cat has been fine
for a loooong time, and is DS's best buddy, letting him do whatever
he wants to her. The cats and dog actually all love DS and he
adores them. Oddly enough, when we visited his remaining family
in Ethiopia, there were cats EVERYWHERE in their town. So I
guess it's comforting to him. Oh, and the social worker walked
in and saw the cats. She told us what a great home we have and
the happy cats laying about and cuddling with DS just proved what
great parents we were. I wish I could've taped that conversation
to send to DH's friend's family or any of my ILs. But, just
hearing it made me happy. I was able to get rid of the awful
fears of losing my son - ideas that were put in my head the very same
day we learned we even had a son. Even though we feel better
about that, I don't know that we can ever forgive this woman for saying
such horrible things to us on what was such an important day.
Nor can we ever trust her or her family with saying the truth to us,
because Lord knows what they might actually think, and at what inopportune
moment they may choose to reveal their thoughts next time.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- NorthernGirlSouthernHousewife, 3 of 4 needed
/Posted: 22-MAR-08
I first met DH over 6 years ago, and we began dating
shortly thereafter. Aside from a brief and uncomfortable visit
with his father 2 weeks into our relationship (they hadn't seen each
other in 2 years), I didn't get to meet his family until Christmas.
We were more than 10 months into our relationship before we felt secure
enough that we could withstand the very bizarre first visit.
DH gave me a lot of warning about his family and what they'd be like.
As he tends to exaggerate, I thought he was kidding. I met BIL,
then a sweet, young teen, and MIL, a very well put together lady,
who worked in England. I do have to admit that I was a bit put
off by family history. MIL informed DH that she was leaving
for England with BIL, while DH was 15 and in boarding school, leaving
him with no stable home to return to on breaks and no familial support
system. But, eh, people have their reasons and DH survived.
Anyway, things got sticky on the very first day when MIL decided to
drive out to see GMIL in their hometown, a few hours away. MIL
was going to surprise GMIL, who didn't know we were coming.
DH quickly explained to me that MIL and GMIL don't get along, and
they treat each other horribly. But I didn't take him seriously.
Oh, if only I'd listened. When MIL went to the door, GMIL answered.
She looked her DD in the face, and slammed the door. Looking
back, I kind of laugh about it. But, at the time, I was so nervous
about making a good impression around these well dressed and world
savvy people, I was just worried. When GMIL opened the door
a second later, a big smile plastered on her face, she said, "Oh,
I knew you were coming." That made MIL so angry!
Of course, GMIL didn't know that we were coming. Who would have
told her? It's not like DH's family has any friends, or ever
answers a phone! GMIL just likes to mess with MIL, and MIL spent
all night ranting about who warned GMIL. She interrogated each
of us as to who ruined her surprise. The weirdest part, though,
was when MIL disappeared within 5 minutes of us getting there.
After we were settled in and DH showed me around the excessively cluttered,
large house (there are rooms where you can't even open the door because
there's so much stuff!!!), I told him that I reeeally needed to use
the restroom after that car ride! He pointed out the bathroom,
and walked off. I opened the door to the bathroom and there
was MIL. She was sitting on the toilet, right inside the door.
She glared at me, and tears streaked down her face. I almost
screamed. We stared at each other for a few moments and then
she finally said, "I HATE my mother." To which I replied,
"I'm sorry," and ran off, holding my legs together for another
hour until she decided to leave the restroom. Throughout that
evening, there were many open verbal sparring matches between MIL
and GMIL. They really are very mean to each other, and they
have no consideration for others! If GMIL said something flippant
to MIL, then MIL had no problem telling everyone that we were leaving
right then, even if we're all starving and dinner was being served.
They change plans on a whim, are late with everything, and act like
best buddies one minute and then worst enemies the next. Ugh.
I don't mind people having dramatic and destructive relationships.
But, seriously, did they need to drag their kids or their son's significant
other, whom they'd just met, into it? And, now their grandkid,
too? It's called therapy, people! It's useful!
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- NorthernGirlSouthernHousewife, 4 of 4 needed
/Posted: 22-MAR-08
For the past few years I've occasionally come to this
site, sometimes for a laugh, sometimes to commiserate, sometimes just
to see if my life matched up with anyone else's. I have to say,
for a long time there I kept thinking, "Wow, maybe I'm one of
the lucky ones!" But, then I noticed that other people
kept saying that their relationships were pretty good with their ILs
until the first child came along. Things certainly changed after
my marriage 2 1/2 years ago, so I was starting to worry that things
would get even worse once DS arrived home. Sure enough, looking
back on it now, I think the only thing that kept me from creating
a Frequent Fry Her page sooner was the fact that we just didn't see
the ILs all that often. But, now contact is increasing.
They're here more and more. They know where we live, and MIL
isn't afraid to stop by uninvited whenever she thinks DH is around.
She asks him to go somewhere with her while completely ignoring DS
and me. She even did this on Christmas morning, when DS had
been home for barely a month. DS, coincidentally, is from Ethiopia.
We adopted him, and he came home in November, on his second birthday.
His presence was met by much jubilation and tons of gifts from my
family, and not so much as a card from his. Honestly, given
how crazy they are, DH and I aren't certain that we mind their lack
of interest in him. In fact, back when DH and I had tried to
conceive and found out we couldn't, and when we moved our plans to
adopt in the future up to the present, I was somewhat lamenting the
fact that I wouldn't be able to see a child with DH's genes.
It was kind of a sorrowful night for us. We were sitting in
a house that we'd recently bought, with a finished nursery and a crib
already set up. We had already been turned down by one adoption
agency because of our young ages. I was trying not to get too
down in the dumps, and DH was doing his best to cheer me up, while
also fighting the blues. Suddenly, he smiled and said, "Hey,
you know what? Our kid might not have my genes, but you know
what that means? He won't have MIL's genes, either!"
That sweet man. He knows exactly what to say to make me grin.
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