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Frequent Fry HerTM
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I'm Not Your Kid, Lady,
SO BACK OFF!
Age: 23       MIL Age: 45?

Going Crazy and MIL is in the driver's seat!

frequent fry her - Not Your Kid Frequent Fry Her TM. - Not Your Kid /Posted: 3-FEB-02
Dear Readers, I have finally learned the secret to dealing with my MIL:  Tell her how I really feel.  I was one of the many I've read about on this web site who grins and bears it and hates every second of it.  But, I finally got the courage to tell her exactly how I feel about it.  And, life is much easier.  She's just another woman, right?  Just because she gave birth to my DH, doesn't mean that I have to put up with her BS.  I just gave it right back!  My DH is happier since I'm not bitching about her, and, although MIL has made a comment or two that makes me think she's just plain rude, I just let it all hang out.  Sure, maybe I look like a bitch to her, but what does she look like to me?  ;o).  Good Luck Ladies!  I wish you all the best!

        Signed - She's Just Another Woman, Right?

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - Not Your Kid Frequent Fry Her TM. - Not Your Kid /Posted: 26-SEP-01
Whoo!  This may be a long one!  DH and I got into it last night, and I don't know how to act or feel about the situation now.  Background info:  See Frequent Fry Her.  MIL asked about DH and I baby-sitting this Saturday.  At the time she asked me, DH was still out of town.  I told her that I had plans, and she asked what I was doing.  I told her that I was going to an amusement park with a friend (nosey!).  She asked about DH.  I told her that I would not commit him to anything, seeing as how he's out of town.  I also told her that if DH does watch them, I would prefer that he does it at their house, because we have a dog that hasn't been around little kids, and I don't trust her with any kids.  So, DH came home last night from being over at his parents house - painting their house and watching his sisters for a bit - and then he told me that he was watching his sisters and he was bringing them over to our house.  I told him that I would REALLY prefer that they stay at his parent's house, because it's going to be difficult to watch the 3 girls and keep an eye on the dogs.  He told me that he would put the dogs out in the backyard, and if they bark, he doesn't care.  Any other time he bitched about them barking.  I told him that if our dog snaps or bites one of the girls, I will not do anything drastic (such as putting the dog down).  He knows that I don't trust the dog with strangers or kids.  By this time, I was getting worked up over the issue.  He looked at me and told me that there was no BBQ or whatever, and that he's not baby-sitting, and proceeded to ask me why I get all worked up whenever he brings up his family.  He told me that his mom knows that I don't like her.  It's not that I don't like her.  She just drives me crazy!  And I told him that.  He asked me what I want from his family, and I told him that I want to be treated like my family treats him.  They love him to death!  DH said that his family would call me if they thought that I liked them.  He also said that he offers to do things to help my family.  I told him that when he goes out of town, his family never calls.  In fact, they only seem to call when they need something.  If his mom thinks that I don't like her, it must not bother her enough, because she still asks me to baby-sit.  I have contacted the pastor who married us and left a message regarding whether or not he offers marriage counseling.  I am going to suggest this to DH tomorrow night over dinner.  DH got home on Sunday from being out of town and I arrived on Monday at noon.  I checked on the caller ID, and his family had already called at 10am that day wanting DH to come over and show them how to use some paint gun.  He ended up going over there for a few hours and painted after we had hung out and watched TV for a few hours.  He was over there again for about 5 hours after he got off of work.  He said that he volunteered to go over and paint.  Am I being an @ss?  Am I asking for too much?  If I am, please let me know.  I just want to know that I'm his first priority.  His parents have each other, and he and I are supposed to have one another.  I just can't imagine why he deliberately pushes my buttons about this subject.  DH asked me what my problem was with his family, and I told him that part of my problem is that he doesn't see anything wrong with this behavior.  And then he called me a big baby.  I was ready to ship him back to mommy dearest last night!

        Signed - Sending Him Back to Mommy, C.O.D.

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  Sending Him Back to Mommy, C.O.D.
Posted: 15-OCT-01
Don't think I'm a MIL, I'm NOT!!!  FAR FROM IT!!!!!  Just take a deep breath and ask yourself if you love your husband.  If the answer is yes, then you are now Super Woman!  When your DH is asked to come over and DO ANYTHING, you should go too.  He!!, bring the dog.  Keep her close on a leash.  Bring and use a muzzle.  It won't kill her.  Smile, and be sure to mention that you and DH spent very little time together as a couple, and the dog misses him terribly.  Your DH will see you are making the effort to be closer to his family and you're supporting him.  Maybe introducing the dog would be a good thing.  It works both ways ladies!!!  Let the dog bark, have a great time, and suggest you all do it again really soon.  Your MIL and FIL are feeling left out of their child's life.  They need to see that he no longer is a child, but instead, a grown man with his own wife and home.  Call your MIL and take her out to lunch, and let her know you love DH to death, and have always wanted her to know you will be the best wife and partner to him.  I can almost guarantee your MIL has no idea how she should act toward you.  People believe they go into marriage with ONE person.  You really go into it with the whole family to some degree.  Before anyone hangs me, think about it.  You don't have to like everyone, BUT you do need to respect that these are the people in your DH's life before you got there.  They were his support system for years, and unless they're psycho, they have always wanted the best for him.  Show DH and the family that you are now DH's better half, and proud to be so.  Maybe your MIL is fighting tooth and nail to keep the umbilical cord tied because she's afraid you'll influence her child away from her and not be the asset you really are!!!  This does not mean anyone should take cruel or ignorant remarks.  Those should be addressed as soon as they are spoken.  My favorite line is:  That comment sounded rude, could you explain what you meant?  I'm a DIL who has finally discovered the secret to a happier home.  It took 20 years and chest pains to get the air cleared.  I found out I was a disappointment (they had another picked out, she's on her 3rd marriage).  So now my DH knows I put myself out there and that his parents dropped the ball on maturity and acceptance.  I WIN!!!  We see them 3 or 4 times a year.  We live 7 miles away and I don't have to answer the phone when they call.  They are no longer my problem.  They are, respectfully, my DH's parents.  I hope this helps you as much as it did me.

RESPONSE:  Sending Him Back to Mommy, C.O.D.
Posted: 15-OCT-01
To the Oct 15 poster who writes, "It goes both ways, ladies!": Thank you for your all-knowing, self-righteous tone.  I think you're really out of touch.  Don't you know that the majority of MIL/DIL problems are caused by a power struggle INITIATED BY THE MIL?!!!!!  You need to do some reading, woman.  Get an education!  My best friend is a psychologist, and she says that this is the oldest story in the book (MIL trying to control DIL).  And to minimize this problem by saying, "it goes both ways," really misses the point!  You are entitled to your opinion, but in the eyes of most psychologists and sociologists, you are WRONG.  A DIL should never be a doormat to keep the peace with her MIL, nor should she step aside from her very rightful place beside her husband.  Just because a woman (MIL) wears the title of "mother", it does not give her the right to power-trip or bully her children or their spouses!  You may have a "wooooonderful" relationship with your MIL, but I'd be willing to bet my teeth that you sold out somewhere along the way.  Don't ask us to do the same (self-dignity is worth a lot to us, rightfully so) just because you chose to play the game.

frequent fry her - Not Your Kid Frequent Fry Her TM. - Not Your Kid /Posted: 26-SEP-01
Well, I'm back again, and not with good news.  Just as I'm starting to forget the whole missed birthday thing, the wound has been reopened.  Please see my Frequent Fry-Her page for the whole story.  Two of my sister-in-law's birthdays were about 2 weeks ago, so I went over a few days later to drop off their gifts that my mom and I had spent over an hour picking out.  My MIL handed me a wrapped box and said, "Here.  Happy Birthday.  Since you wouldn't tell us your sizes, we got you this."  Wanna know what I got?  20 glitter pencils.  I'm 23 years old, and I got 20 glitter pencils.  I'm thinking, "insult to injury."  My husband doesn't see it this way.

        Signed - The Glitter Pencil Queen

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - Not Your Kid Frequent Fry Her TM. - Not Your Kid /Posted: 27-AUG-01
Ugghhh!!!  My MIL irritates me beyond all belief!  My DH just left this morning for work out of town (on the other side of the U.S., to be exact), and he will not be home until the first weekend of September, at the earliest.  I was talking to my 9 year old SIL last week, and she was asking what DH and I were doing the first Saturday in September, because MIL and FIL had somewhere to go.  I told her that DH would be out of town, and I might have plans.  I asked her what was going on, and she said that MIL told her that she would give us $40 and DH and I could baby-sit the 3 of them (ages 9, 5 and 4) and take them to a nationwide children's party and pizza restaurant.  What the hell??  If MIL wanted us to baby-sit, she needs to ask us herself.  I will NEVER watch them if one of the kids ask.  Never.  And, who the he!! does she think she is to suggest that we'll do this without even consulting us about it?  Has anyone ever been to these types of restaurants on a Saturday?  No way.  Everyone and their brother takes their kids, and it's not exactly cheap.  Good pizza, but the kids go through the coins SO FAST THAT $40 ISN'T GOING TO LAST VERY LONG!!!  And, just because I'm a "member" of their family, it doesn't mean that I'm going to baby-sit as if it's my duty.  No way.  That's what the teenage girl, who's saving for a car, is for, or someone else who WANTS to do it.  She pisses me off!

        Signed - I Am NOT Your Baby-sitter!!! Figure It Out Already!

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  I Am NOT Your Baby-sitter!!! Figure It Out Already!
Posted: 14-SEP-01
My DH and I are going through the exact same thing right now.  My MIL thinks that she can make decisions for everyone.  She just says what she wants done, and expects everyone to just do it.  And, if you don't do what she wants, she gets mad and has a tantrum.  Unfortunately, she has gotten away with it for far too long.  I have decided that she's NOT doing it to us anymore.  DH and I made a new rule a few days ago (after her latest stunt):  We do nothing for anyone unless we are ASKED first.  MIL is so unbelievably rude.  She's rude and tacky, and she doesn't know how to ASK for things.  She just assumes that if she tells my DH, "We are doing this or that," he will just do it.  Unfortunately, that is the way it has happened for a long time now, but no more.  She's pushed her rude @Ss self on us for the last time.  The bad part is that her daughter (DH's younger sister) is now acting the same way, and is trying to tell everyone that we have to do things her way.  She's just like her mother.  They are both such selfish babies, and they get mad and whine when things don't go their way.  I'm not sure, but I think after 3 1/2 years with my DH (married just 1 year), I might be starting to hate them.  I didn't hate them before.  Sure, I got mad at their behavior a lot of times, but now it's gone too far.  I think what I'm feeling now is genuine hate.

frequent fry her - Not Your Kid Frequent Fry Her TM. - Not Your Kid /Posted: 12-AUG-01
My sister's graduation party was Saturday night, and my MIL and 3 little SILs were there.  I was at a table with my aunt, uncle, friend, and MIL.  Somehow, we started talking about little stupid ways we get back at men for being buttheads to us.  I told everyone about how I used to put DH's jeans in the dryer for an extra hour to make sure they were nice and tight.  At the party, DH was in the front yard.  His mom went up and told him that I put his jeans in the dryer for 4 hours!!!  Squealer!  Too bad he already knew that I had done that!

        Signed - MILs A Squealer

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  MILs A Squealer
Posted: 19-AUG-01
She sounds like a baby.  You should set her up with something else absurd and tell your husband.  Then he can see what a wench she is!  How funny!

RESPONSE:  MILs A Squealer
Posted: 21-AUG-01
What a little tattletale!  I'll bet that when she played house as a child, she always had to be the mother.  You know, one of those people who dominates her friends.

RESPONSE From Poster:  MILs A Squealer
Posted: 4-SEP-01
Response from Poster:  Just wanted to say "hi", and thank you so much for all the advice.  After the evil MIL forgot my birthday, I told DH that he was in charge of remembering his family's special events, because I quit.  And when my MIL has one of the little kids call us to ask us to baby-sit, the answer in a firm NO.  I am to the point where I am old enough to be respected, and if someone can't seem to respect me, then the feeling will be mutual.  I'm tired of this cr@p.  I've told my husband that in the future, I will no longer hold back.  If MIL is going to talk out of her @ss, then I will give it right back and call her on it.  This has made me feel so POWERFUL!!  Who cares what she thinks anyway!

frequent fry her - Not Your Kid Frequent Fry Her TM. - Not Your Kid /Posted: 6-AUG-01
This is totally small and unimportant, yet irritating.  Do your MILs call and leave you a message on the machine in the middle of the day when you're at work, and then you find that you have several hang-ups on the machine (every half hour) after her original message?  I realize I'm assuming too much, but who else could it be?!?!?  This is driving me CRAZY!!!  She knows we both work during the day, and yet every time she calls, it's during the daytime work hours.  OK, now I need some aspirin.

        Signed - OK, Now I Need Some Aspirin

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  OK, Now I Need Some Aspirin
Posted: 12-AUG-01
I can definitely relate to your experiences.  My MIL used to do the same thing.  After DH and I had just married and moved out of state, I was at home a lot, since I was still interviewing for jobs.  And I had to wait for my certification/license to transfer to the other state before I could start working.  My MIL would call during the daytime to "check" on us.  I got so sick of her calls, and I just started screening them.  Well, it was obvious it was my MIL, because she would leave a stupid message, "Hello.  Where are you???  I'm calling to see if you are OK."  After the first message, it would just be hang up after hang up.  Later on, during the day, I might answer the phone and she'd be frantic, acting as if we were eaten by wolves or something.  She'd say, "Where did you go???  Where were you???"  OK, granted, I did not have a job at that time, but that did not mean that I obediently sat next to the stupid phone waiting for her to call all day!!!  Later on, when DH was laid off from his job, the calls got more frequent.  It was to the point that it was irritating DH too.  He finally told his mom to cut it out.  As usual, she acted hurt, saying she was only thinking about us (I guess she didn't consider five calls a day weird and unusual).  Now she does not call very often.  I found out that she told my SIL that she no longer felt like she was allowed to call us after DH told her she was going overboard.  We did NOT tell her to stop calling, we just told her to stop calling so often.  As usual, she turned it around so that we looked like jerks and she looked dejected and pitiful.

RESPONSE:  OK, Now I Need Some Aspirin
Posted: 12-AUG-01
My MIL does something equally irritating.  First of all, lately, she will only call DH at work.  When she DOES call our home, it's always at some stupid hour of the night, like 10:30, 11, or even 12 midnight.  Even after we have told her not to do that, as we don't appreciate late night calls (unless it's extremely urgent, which with her it never is).  But, when she gets our answering machine, she addresses ONLY my DH, even if she's leaving a message for ME!  I almost fell over the day I heard the following message:  "Hi (DH), It's mom.  Ask (my name) if she blah blah blah, and tell her to let me know."  I told my DH, "What the he!! is that about?  Did she suddenly forget that I live here too?"  Other than stupid things like that, all messages from her are for him only.  Most of my family, and all of our friends, will usually acknowledge both of us in their messages, such as, "Hi guys," or, "Hi (DH) and (my name)."  And they even throw in a, "How is everything with you guys?"  Nope, not my MIL - she wants to speak to her son only.  We have caller ID, and I love it.  That way, when she's calling at some crazy hour of the night, we can not answer it because we know it's only her, and we don't have to worry that someone is having an emergency.  Otherwise, we get trapped into talking to her for 2 hours in the middle of the damn night.  I swear, she calls at 11 PM for reasons like, "Oh, I just wanted to tell you this one thing before I forget."  Write it down and call back at a normal hour please!  I keep hoping that if we don't answer, she'll get the hint.  My DH actually TELLING her not to do that didn't work.  How rude can a person be?  He told her, "Don't do that anymore."  Within 2 weeks after telling her, she did it about 4 more times!  She once called my FIL (they are divorced) at midnight to ask if he took one of her record albums that she couldn't find!

RESPONSE:  OK, Now I Need Some Aspirin
Posted: 12-AUG-01
Not only do we get the midday phone messages, but when she does decide to call when someone is home, it is usually after 10:00 P.M.  The irritating thing is that she never wants anything, she just wants to chat.  After starting your day at the crack of dawn, a person doesn't want to "chat" at 10:30 p.m. (when you've just gone to bed).  I have even tried to curb these midday phone messages by changing our message to say, "Sorry we can't take your call.  We can be reached at our work numbers until such and such time."  They know damn good and well that you are not home in the middle of the day.  It just gives them more ammunition to bad mouth you to others.

RESPONSE:  OK, Now I Need Some Aspirin
Posted: 19-AUG-01
First off, your post is not small and unimportant.  A concern is just that.  Share here.  I would be thanking the stars above that she was not calling you at work.  That would be a real drag.  I believe she is doing this to be a pill.

RESPONSE:  OK, Now I Need Some Aspirin
Posted: 2-SEP-01
Some of the respondents to your MIL story told of MILs who called late at night worrying about seemingly trivial topics.  It may be an early sign of a medical condition that is called Sundowner's.  My father had Sundowner's, due to chemotherapy, for at least the last year of his life.  The Sundowner's effect on him was that he got really weird and crazy-acting late at night.  Then, during the day, he'd pretty much be himself again.  Please, please get your MIL checked for Sundowner's, even if you have to write a letter to her doctor (before her next visit) outlining your fears for her mental health.  As family, you can do this, and the doctor cannot ignore your letter.  The sooner you have her doctor look into this (and hopefully begin treatment), the better.  Prevention and early treatment are the best medicine where mental illness of any sort are concerned.  Best of luck to you.

RESPONSE:  OK, Now I Need Some Aspirin
Posted: 23-SEP-01
Get yourself caller ID.  Then, you can find out for certain who is hanging up on you.  It saved my marriage, as we can see who is calling, and avoid speaking to our respective in-laws when the mood is not right.

frequent fry her - Not Your Kid Frequent Fry Her TM. - Not Your Kid /Posted: 6-AUG-01
I'm not your kid, lady, so back off!  A little update on my last story.  My DH and I had "discussed" his family not remembering my birthday.  He claimed that his mom was kind of ditsy and might not have remembered.  Whatever.  It was almost 2 months after my birthday (mid July) and my DH had gone with his dad for the weekend to some property his family owns to clean up.  When my DH arrived home on Sunday night, I asked him who went down.  He said that his mom and his 4 little sisters also went down and spent the night, and one of his sisters brought along a friend.  I was very hurt.  His entire immediate family went down, and for some reason, I was the only one not invited.  DH said that he didn't know that his mom and the girls were going until he arrived at his parent's house to go to the property.  He said that his dad asked why I wasn't going, and my DH told me that his response was, "OH!  DW isn't talking to any of you."  I could have killed him!  I asked him if he told them why I wasn't talking to any of them (due to them forgetting my b-day) and he told me, "No, you can tell them."  After a few minutes of fighting the force to scream at him, he told me that he was just kidding, and that he told his dad that I had plans for the weekend.  Agghhh!!!  A few days later, I wrote DH a letter and told him that I would never allow my family or anyone else to treat him this way.  I told him that my b-day was purposely ignored, and that I wasn't invited to their little family weekend by his family.  I also asked him if he was so sure that the entire situation was an accident, why doesn't he ask his family?  Or, is he afraid of the answer?  Well, he did talk to his mom, and she said that they didn't forget my birthday, and MIL didn't even know that he was going with them that weekend to their property.  Hello?  I'm calling BS on that one.  So, they didn't forget my birthday, but just chose to ignore it until DH said something to them?  MIL told DH that I should call her, and she'd take me shopping for something.  No thanks.  That would be an all-day process, and not to mention a bottle of extra strength migraine medicine.  She said that she didn't know where my parents had purchased a gift certificate (all I wanted was a gift certificate to a home improvement store).  My parents gave me cash!  Our parents live 4 miles from each other.  Why didn't she think to call them and ask, if she actually remembered?  One of my SILs called and asked me when we could go shopping for my birthday.  I told her that I didn't want anything, and that a call or a card on my birthday would have been great.  2 months is a bit late.  I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being a spoiled brat by giving this so much space in this web site, but it's not the gift I'm after, it's the thought.  And it's the fact that his mom uses these little tactics to hurt my feelings.  I have 2 very good friends that I talk to, and they both think that MIL forgot, and is full of it.  Thanks for listening, and if responding, please try to be gentle.

        Signed - She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 12-AUG-01
I have a similar story to this one.  My BIL has not remembered my birthday for 2 years running, even though it is 9 days after my DH's birthday, and 6 days after his wife's birthday.  MIL forgot it this year, too.  She gave me $25 (and no card) to, "Go and get myself something," a week after my birthday.  And I received no "Happy Birthday", even though I spoke to her on my birthday.  This is coming from the same woman that cries her eyes out if one of her sons does not receive a card from one of us for their birthdays.  I probably sound like I am rather selfish in wanting presents for my birthday.  However, it is the phone call saying happy birthday that I am after.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 12-AUG-01
I'll be gentle, cuz I've got insensitive ILs, too.  They "forgot" my birthday last year cuz they claimed they weren't sure of the date.  At least that's what was said to my DH.  No apologies were made to me, though.  BTW, my MIL's birthday happens to be the same day as Hitler's!  How appropriate.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 12-AUG-01
I don't think it selfish or petty or any other word a person can use to describe a person whose feelings are hurt because they were forgotten or not treated as an equal (to other family members) on their birthday.  I have received many a cr@ppy gift (or none at all).  At times I have received no card or no call.  Sometimes a gift has been so late it might as well have been for my next birthday.  One time, the gift was SOOO insulting that I thought my DH had played a joke on me.  I honestly didn't think that even my Ils could stoop that low.  I dislike them too, but I would never let them know it by ignoring their birthdays, or giving them garbage for a gift.  If the family tradition is to acknowledge birthdays with phone calls and gifts, then everyone should do the right thing by EVERYONE ELSE (whether you like them or not), or the family shouldn't exchange gifts at all.  I have opted out of gift giving.  I am not a doormat, and I refuse to be a part of this charade any longer.  My SIL says that she can't understand why I don't want to participate.  I know she knows why.  I don't know why she wants me to spell it out for her.  If I had any guts at all, I would tell her that the biggest gift she could give us would be to call us and say hello and ask how we are doing.  You see, she usually only calls to borrow money or ask for our help.  So, a phone call without strings attached would be the nicest gift of all.  But he!! will freeze over before that happens.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 12-AUG-01
I feel for you!!  I've been married for 8 years, and my MIL doesn't even know WHEN my birthday is.  Not once has she even bothered to ask when it is.  I am expected to make a big fuss over her birthday, though.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 12-AUG-01
Your husband sounds like a twit!  It sounds like he didn't invite you to the family get together for some odd reason.  His joke wasn't funny, either.  But was it a joke, really?  As for your MIL, forget about her.  She wants to be mean and hurtful.  Don't let her.  Be a better person, and get her a gift for her birthday.  And let's see how uncomfortable she is!  Hopefully she'll squirm like a worm on a hook.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 13-AUG-01
I, too, would be hurt if I were you.  I doubt my ILs even bothered to write down when my birthday is.  This is despite the fact that mine and FIL's are only two days apart!  I don't really mind not getting a gift (because they'd probably get me something I had no use for), but I sure do understand how you feel about not even being acknowledged.  I'll bet you could manage to "forget" your MIL's birthday too if you really tried!

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 13-AUG-01
I know the tactics your MIL uses very well.  She must've graduated from MIL University with my MIL!!  My MIL also tried to jump in on stuff that her son is doing that doesn't include me.  It's even worse, because my two adult loser SILs also jump on events that my DH is attending (and that I am not going to be at).  Fortunately, though (because of a lot of tears, talks, and an expensive counselor), my DH supports me.  He will usually address the problem and confront his mother and sisters by directly asking, "Will you be attending?  Because if so, then I will bring my wife."  Or, he will say, "This day is a day that ONLY dad and I will spend together, right?"  This way his MIL has been directly confronted prior to the event and can't pull stunts.  I've found that gentle, yet direct confrontation is the best way of dealing with these sneaky MILs.  They hate being confronted (but do it gently) because they hate being exposed!  When I ask a pointed direct question of my MIL (in a calm voice), she comes up with the most flaky, flimsy excuses!!  It makes my husband and I laugh.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 13-AUG-01
I think it is extremely rude of your MIL to expect YOU to call HER so she can take you shopping for your birthday.  If she really cared, she would have called you up and said, "I want to take you shopping for your birthday.  When is a good time for you?"  Then she would have followed through.  I know what you mean about the birthday thing.  My nephew on DH's side has the same birthday as me.  Year after year I would go to SIL's for nephews party.  After we sang to him and he blew out his candles, my SIL (BIL's wife) would be the only one who would present me with a birthday present as well.  My other SIL (mother of the nephew and DH's sister) would say, "Oh that's right, it's your birthday too.  I forgot.  But I'm going to get you something."  Sometimes I would get something months later (if at all).  But it was too late - like you said.  It's the thought that counts, and there was no thought at all.  How hard is it to remember your SIL's birthday when it falls on the same day as your own son's!  After a few years of this, DH said we weren't going to nephew's parties anymore.  He is 21 and hates them anyway.  When SIL called to invite us, DH would say he already had plans to take me out for my birthday!!  Boy was she pissed!!  HaHa!  I think you have a legitimate reason to feel slighted, especially if everyone else in the family is remembered and you are the only one who isn't . I think your DH dropped the ball on this one.  He should have told his mother how bothered HE is that his family doesn't acknowledge his wife on her birthday.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 13-AUG-01
My MIL "forgets" my birthday all the time.  I also rarely get a Christmas gift from her.  Believe it or not, it doesn't bother me.  This way, I never feel as if I owe her anything.  It allows me to completely ignore her with a clear conscience.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 15-AUG-01
One piece of advice from my own experience with irresponsible family:  Have someone (your DH or you send it in his name) send an email reminder a week before the birthday and the day of.  This way, the birthday girl gets the greetings and the family has no excuse for ignoring or "forgetting" the big event.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 19-AUG-01
I have the opposite problem.  My ILs show up on my birthday, expecting there to be a party!  I WISH they wouldn't remember my birthday!  I'm shy, and would like nothing better than just to have a quiet day with my DH (or spend my birthday the way I want).  I wouldn't be offended if my ILs didn't remember my birthday.  I wish they wouldn't!!!

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 19-AUG-01
Here is a great big hug to you.  I know the hurt you feel.  Don't let anyone discount your feelings.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 21-AUG-01
It baffles me how women can be so petty to the women their sons marry.  The money you have spent on these ingrates should, instead, have been spent on something nice for yourself.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 21-AUG-01
I am sorry that you are hurting about this.  My MIL never seemed to remember my birthday either, despite the fact that, at some point every year (sometimes months after my birthday), she mentions that she can never remember when my birthday is.  And, this is despite the fact that every time I or my DH said, "It's around Thanksgiving.  So if you aim for Thanksgiving Day, you can't go wrong."  About 3 years after I was married, I was at MIL's, and happened to see a calendar in her craft room.  It was marked with all the birthdays for the year - except mine.  Again, DH said, "Mother, her birthday is at Thanksgiving."  After 6 years of marriage and no birthday acknowledgment's, I "solved" the problem myself.  I gave the duty of birthday cards and presents on DH's side to DH.  I was even nice enough to mark his calendar, and I always have a supply of cards and stamps on hand.  The first year that she didn't get something, she called a week later and asked, "Didn't you forget something?"  I said, "I don't think so."  She said peevishly, "My birthday?!?  It is the same date every year!"  I couldn't believe she said that!  LOL!  I said, "OH, your birthday.  That is DH's department, just a moment, I will get him."  Then I put DH on the phone.  He explained that he now handles his family, and I handle mine.  And he apologized to her.  She still didn't get a card or gift, however.  The next year (you guessed it, I'll bet), he forgot.  She was so mad.  She called, and tried to yell at me again.  I handed DH the phone.  She was yelling, and he was trying to apologize.  Then, I suddenly heard him snap at her, "If you ever bothered to remember HER birthday, maybe she would still be in charge of all the cards and gifts, and your birthday wouldn't have been forgotten!!"  I tried not to smile where DH could see me.  It's been almost 12 years now, and I have never taken the job back.  I even stopped marking his calendar.  Her birthday was at the end of July.  I remembered last week and said, "Oh, MIL's birthday was __"  DH said, "Yeah," and just shrugged and walked away.  She no longer calls me.  She ended up "taking revenge" on DH by never sending him cards or gifts anymore, either.  Oh, well, if that is her solution ...  You have several problems to solve, but I would hand birthday cards and gifts for in-laws over to DH to get rid of at least some of the hard feelings about your birthday (and the fact that your MIL shuns you every year).  You can't change how they treat you, but you can change your reaction.  I would advise you to quit reacting (she seems to be getting off on hurting you), get out of the game by handing the responsibility to DH for his family, and take care of yourself.  Your DH may sing a different tune if you do.  I take at least some of the money I used to spend on my MIL's birthday every year and buy myself something.  Try it - it's great for the morale!  LOL!

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 24-AUG-01
Buy her a calendar for Christmas.  Before you give her the calendar, enter in all of the family birthdays.  You could even do a count down for each birthday.  For example, May 5th 2002 - 9 days to X's birthday.  Give her the calendar at her house.  After she opens it, take it from her and hang it up for her.  Whenever you go and visit her, make it a point to walk over to the calendar at least once during the visit, and make small talk around the next upcoming event on the calendar.  At the very least, it should make for a very interesting year.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 30-AUG-01
It was my birthday 3 months back.  I wished to God that, at least this time, my MIL would forget it.  But it did not happen.  My story is the other way 'round.  My husband does not believe that she is jealous and hateful towards me.  I know differently, and want to prove it to my DH.  But she is smart.  She never forgets my birthday.  Because she does not want to look bad in front of her son, she goes out of her way to never do anything in front of him.  How badly I wished that she forgot.  But luck was not with me this time.  Well, there will be other times.  Wait and have patience.  Your DH will see for himself on your next birthday.  Let things take their course.  You don't want your MIL to know that this makes your son upset or else she will start acting like my MIL.  And then there is no way that you will gain the upper hand with her.

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 8-SEP-01
Hey!  My MIL got extremely miffed the first birthday I had after marriage, because we did not celebrate it with her.  We were both working, and were putting up at the hostel in the same city.  So we figured that we would just go out and have a celebration all to ourselves, especially since I had already been handed my gift on the previous weekend.  I, of course, didn't get to know of this 'til much later, through devious routes.  You know, she was behaving mad at something else, and the story unraveled much, much later.  Anyway, if they were bothered about my being with them as being part of their family, well, that is okay.  So, the subsequent year we stayed at home.  For me, it is an event to joyously celebrate, to be happy about and show it, and something to anticipate eagerly.  At their place, it is considered a privilege just to be with them.  And at all birthdays, DH gets some cake, etc., while they get other stuff and we eat at home.  That is fine too, for we did that in my place too, but there is no feeling of "joy", not even on DH's birthday, or anybody else's.  You always have to be careful of what you are doing, how you are sitting, and whether you are showing the right degree of sycophancy towards the all powerful goddess.  It gets suffocating to go through it and not have DH to myself on this day of all days, after a grueling work schedule (we meet on an average once in two days).  We do this on our anniversary, too, and all events in the family.  Now, they expect us to provide the eats, and then get miffed if we show some special husband-wife bond (e.g., my SIL got a cake for BIL's birthday that said, "Happy Birthday, dear Husband", and she heard no end of it!)  So, I guess I will try to be glad that at least they remember my birthday, and you can be happy that they don't smother you with their presence!

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 12-SEP-01
I've been thinking a lot about this whole issue.  The only thing I can think of is:  If you want them to pay attention to you on your birthday, make it a pleasant experience for them when they do.  I guess this is like Pavlov's dogs, or something - rewarding people for good behavior?  I guess I should remember to do that myself more, too, come to think of it.  It just seems like remembering someone's birthday is something done out of spontaneous fondness and good will.  If we act angry or put out about people's responses to our birthdays, we'll either get empty gestures on their part ("the gift without the giver") or nothing at all, as before.  But, if they do ANYTHING you like, and you want to encourage that, thank them a lot for it, and tell them how much you genuinely liked it.  They'll like that, and want to get more of that positive response from you!  I don't know.  I'd rather not get anything from people unless they really mean it.  It just confuses me when people are insincere.  I want the people who call me, or give me gifts, never to do it out of sheer dreary obligation, but only out of spontaneous, genuine kindness and good will.  If they don't feel those things towards me, that's depressing - but, if someone is just going through the motions, that's even MORE depressing.  Personally, I wish people would just forget about feeling obligated to call me on my birthday (I don't mean you or anyone else should feel the way I do!).  If they really want to do it, ok, but I don't need them to pencil it in their schedule, and just go through the motions of doing it, when their heart isn't in it at all - when it's a chore and a burden.  Similarly, I'd rather my in-laws wouldn't feel obligated to spend money they don't have on a whole bunch of birthday gifts that I'd just as soon not get (we have a small house, and have to be careful about what we put in it, or it will be full of junk in no time!).  But, at least they're trying to be tactful and do the right thing.  They don't make a big show of preference on my DH's birthday.  I'm sorry this is so rambling.  I think about the whole thing a lot.  I guess it's tough because we're all different, we all want different things, and we all come from different backgrounds with different customs.  It seems to me, to sum it up, that the only way to get more of what we specifically want on our birthdays is to show how much we appreciate it when they come even CLOSE to what we want them to do!  But, I guess it wouldn't work in my case - to show how much I appreciate it when my in-laws don't bother me on my birthday!!!!  I guess it's kind of futile to expect people to do things that are totally out of character for them too, like, if someone feels uneasy talking to us and hates using the phone, they probably won't call us on our birthday, etc.  I don't know.  Can you tell I have a birthday coming up and am stewing over it?  It's my 40th birthday, too.  And I know my in-laws plan to show up and will expect a party.  I should be grateful for that, but I'd love nothing more than just to have a quiet, romantic birthday alone with my DH (and to tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind seeing my own mother, either).  It's always been such a strain having this kind of martyred birthday, just so everyone else could have a party, even though I would have loved a stress-free day of not having to play hostess.  Aren't you thinking, "She's nuts, I'd kill to have in-laws who cared about my birthday!"  I know.  What's wrong with me?

RESPONSE:  She Uses These Little Tactics To Hurt My Feelings
Posted: 2-OCT-01
I also think your MIL forgot on purpose, and that she is full of it.  Next year on your birthday, talk to your good friends, and throw yourself one he!! of a birthday party.  MIL just may feel a little bit guilty if everyone knows it is your birthday and celebrates it!!!

frequent fry her - Not Your Kid Frequent Fry Her TM. - Not Your Kid /Posted: 14-JUN-01
I have responded to various stories recently, but decided to share mine today.  Just thinking about my MIL makes me feel sick and mad all at the same time.  To sum her up, she's a controlling freak!  I have no idea where to start, so if my dateline seems confusing, I'm sorry.  My husband and I have been married just over a year.  We were high school sweethearts, and have been together over 7 years total.  I thought his mom was ok, a bit spacey, but ok, until about 3 months before our wedding.  My DH's family is religious (Baptist) and that doesn't bother me.  My own family is not religious, but wonderful people nonetheless.  They give us so much support!  I am Catholic, but I used to attend church with my hubby (at the time my BF).  About 2 months before the wedding, my husband (then fiancé) was sent to Florida for work, and was gone about 5 weeks.  During that time, his DARLING MOTHER took every opportunity to bring up the Bible, our wedding, and my relationship with God.  At this time we did not have a church to get married in because my husband was SO SURE that his family's pastor would marry us.  My mom and I went to talk to their pastor.  He told us that the only way he would marry us in his church would be in a closed family ceremony because we had been living together.  No other family or friends would be allowed!  My mom was pissed!  She refused, and we went looking for a church that would marry us.  A bit of background on us:  My DH and I had moved in together with 2 of his friends right after they graduated (DH was a year behind me in school).  I told DH, in previous conversations, that I would never marry him unless we lived together first.  His family was not happy about this, and my DH lied to them and said that he shared a room with one of our 2 male roomies and I had my own room.  Totally spineless on his part!  They're not stupid!  I had another church lined up that was just up the road from us, but it was a Mormon church.  I apologize to all those of the Mormon faith, but MIL pitched a b!tch because she claimed that "Mormons wrote their own Bible and don't believe in the same God."  My D(umb-@ss)H somewhat agreed with her.  That was the only time since I have known my DH that I was embarrassed by him and his family.  What ignorance!  We finally found a church.  It was the one my parents were married in, and the pastor was wonderful!  He told us that he wasn't excited about us living together, but in this day and age it was so common, what could he do?  Well, my MIL called me one day while my fiancé was out of town and said that her van wasn't working, and asked me to take her up to DF's work to get his car (it was theirs, but DH didn't have a working vehicle at the time).  I said that it was no problem, but we had to make it quick because I had to be at work soon.  I picked her up, and she was not even in the car for 10 minutes when she started grilling me about the pastor we had and how us living together was a sin in the Bible.  She wanted to know what our pastor thought of that.  I told her what the pastor told me, and she started on about living in sin, blah, blah.  I told her that the Bible wasn't paying for our wedding, my parents were (my mom cashed in her 401K for our wedding, and I'm still pissed about that!).  His parents were paying for one bridesmaid dress for one of his sisters, and 3 flower girl dresses (also his sisters'), plus the rehearsal dinner.  And he still has 1 more sister who did our flowers.  He is the only boy and the second oldest.  His mom doesn't work outside of the house, and is a homemaker.  Finally, I called her and told her that we do not see eye to eye on religion, and I would not be discussing it with her further.  She asked me what I believe (religion) and I told her that, in my opinion, you do not have to go to church just to be close to God.  I pray quite often and am happy with my relationship with Him.  I told her that I try to be a good person and treat others using the Golden Rule.  She told me that I'm trying to work my way into heaven and that wasn't what it was all about.  Am I stealing from people?  NO.  Am I killing people?  NO.  Am I harming or badly treating her baby boy?  NO.  Will I harm her?  PROBABLY, if she doesn't knock her cr@p off!  So, I leave the religion topic alone.

I have never seen this problem posted here before, but does your MIL check out your @Ss?  Mine does!  She's made quite a few comments about how I don't wear underwear because she can't see an underwear line (ever heard of a thong?  I hate panty lines!).  When DH and I were first living together, we didn't have a washing machine, so we did laundry at his parent's house or mine.  That will be the last time I take my laundry over to his parent's house!  I went over to pick up some clothes DH had been working on, and I went in the basement to get them, and one of his sisters had one of my thongs wrapped around her Barbie doll like a dress!  UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

When his family came to our wedding, they didn't give us a card or gift.  Nothing.  When we invited them over to celebrate our 1 year anniversary, guess what?  No card, no congrats, nothing.  We went to both of our family's houses for Mother's Day (they live 4 miles apart) and gave each mom some flowers for their flower beds.  My birthday was a few days after that.  Did the outlaws call to wish me a Happy Birthday?  HELL NO!  Send me a card?  HELL NO!  Make any attempt to contact me regarding my birthday?  HELL NO!  My DH says that this in not a big deal and that I'm using this incident as another reason to hate his mom.  Whatever!  Like I need another reason.  I told him that he would feel like sh!t, too, if my parents forgot his b-day.  My family adores him!  He's the son they've never had!  He debated asking my dad to be his best man for our wedding because they're so close (it's almost scary).  So, the weekend after they ignored my birthday, MIL called and wanted us to baby-sit his two littlest sisters for the weekend.  I said, "Not a chance."  I had plans to visit a friend who was graduating from college and DH had plans to visit his cousin out of state.  Even if I didn't have plans, there was no way I was going to do them a favor.  Did I mention that these 2 littlest sisters are TERRIFIED of our dogs?  One of our dogs is big, but the other is a Beagle!  When DH's family comes over, it's my babies that have to live in the backyard until they go home because the little ones SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS like the dogs are attacking them.  And I wouldn't leave my house to go to theirs to spend the weekend there.  DH goes out of town every week for a few days for work.  His mom called last week and left a message that went something like this, "DH, you know, you can call me or come over sometime!"  Ha!  Yeah right!  The last time he called, he spent almost 2 hours on the phone because he not only had to talk to her, but to his 4 little sisters also.  I can understand that they miss him, but I feel as if they're not recognizing the fact that HE HAS A FAMILY OF HIS OWN!!!!  My DH and I don't want to have kids.  Our dogs and cats are our kids, and are enough work at that.  If I do become pregnant, I would never "get rid" of the baby, but I would have it and love it to death!  Both of our families know about how we feel, and his mom just gives me this look when we discuss it.  I can't describe it, but I just want to smack it off of her face.  It's not her decision and none of her concern.  I think she judges me because I drink (I'm not an alcoholic, geez!) and I smoke.  Her little baby boy does the same thing, but he won't admit it.  What a weiner!

Oh, here's a little story for you.  DH's family was coming over one Saturday for a visit and we had been drinking the night before (we have 2 other roommates of legal age), so there was beer and hard lemonade in the fridge.  My *ussy of a DH took all that alcohol and hid it under the kitchen sink!!!  Can you even imagine?  I told him VERY FIRMLY that no one is going to tell me what I can and can't do in our house.  I busted my @Ss to get into that house, and cried a river through the ups and downs of purchasing it.  NO WAY was he getting away with this.  Like, they're in the fridge anyway!  It's our friggin' house!  I feel so much better!  Thank you for letting me share!

        Signed - Sincerely, I'm Not Your Kid Lady, So Back Off!!!!

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  Sincerely, I'm Not Your Kid Lady, So Back Off!!!!
Posted: 15-JUN-01
You poor thing!  I can't stand people who try to shove religion down other people's throats!  My SIL does that too!  Your MIL sounds like she hasn't accepted that her baby boy is a grown man with a life of his own.  Some women are like that with their sons - it's pretty sad.  This is a great place to vent - check out the message board.  There are a lot of really great women (and men too) who are very supportive and good at listening! J.

RESPONSE:  Sincerely, I'm Not Your Kid Lady, So Back Off!!!!
Posted: 21-JUN-01
Yep, my SILs are holy rollers, too.  They're really big into WWJD, unless it comes to giving money, hanging around people who don't necessarily wear their religion on their sleeves (in lieu of practicing it), or ministering to today's equivalent of lepers, thieves and prostitutes.  Yep, if it was WW"SIL"D, he'd take an hour to get ready for temple, gripe about dirty beggars in the streets, and be aghast that someone had the AUDACITY to recommend shutting down the church's gift shop.  He'd be all over spending $500,000 on a new church gym instead of investing it in housing or special things for the poor.  I can also identify with freaky nieces and nephews.  One SIL is cool and her daughter is really smart.  You can have a conversation with her and she's got a perky personality.  I love her.  The other SIL has 3 Stepford children whom the family really adores, of course.  They're blond and have ratty faces.  They have no personality.  I've tried to like them, tried to talk to them, but they just stare at me with glassy blue eyes and continue to do whatever it is they're doing.  I KNOW they're kids, and I've tried to talk myself out of not particularly liking them, but they're such zombies.  They're not very creative, they're very clingy.  And they are constantly telling on me!  It's weird, I really don't know why they do it.  I don't do anything.  I don't steal silverware, I don't look under beds, I'm a good guest.  But they say things like, "XX is getting a glass of water!"  "Can XX have that cookie she's getting off the table?"  It's set out for guests, for pete's sake!  "XX doesn't want to read to me," because I was talking with a grown-up!  SIL just looks at me suspiciously and doesn't bother to get these kids to stop reporting my every move.  She "explains" to them why I'm doing these things.  Really irritating.  These kids are 6, 5 and 2, and the two older ones are old enough to be taught now, I should think.  The 2-year-old is still just a cantankerous lump, but she at least smiles at me.  The other two are just icky.  If this sounds harsh, three bridesmaids made the same observations about them when they thought I couldn't hear them.  Christmas and birthdays, SIL also doesn't correct them after they either  1)  Refuse to say thank you.  2)  Complain loudly about their gift.  Don't even get me started on bathroom doors that won't lock when you really need them to.

RESPONSE:  Sincerely, I'm Not Your Kid Lady, So Back Off!!!!
Posted: 23-JUN-01
You sound great to me, and I felt bad for you regarding your MIL.  She's being awful - very overbearing and judgmental.  I would be furious with my MIL if she had the balls to talk with me about religion like that (yet mine has given me hints like that, too).  And, I know that's weird about her checking out your butt, but my MIL has made comments about my appearance and physique, too, that let me know she's been looking me over very carefully!  I think my MIL compares herself to me, and in her mind, she's the winner.  About her being critical of your drinking, mine is the same way.  Listen to this:  My in-laws drink moderately.  I drink a little more (most days I have nothing to drink, but I do have beer or wine sometimes).  My husband drinks more than any of us - he mixes something up in the blender with rum just about every day.  The last time we were at my in-laws' house for a holiday, they offered us a stingy little bit of wine (they always like to save most of it for themselves for later!).  I was just joking, and I said, "Oh, YES!"  Then my MIL made this admiring comment about how my DH hardly ever drinks, and doesn't drink much (in comparison to ME, obviously!), which is total bull - he drinks me under the table!  My own family, too, is great and supportive, and I'm glad you have that, too.  You sound like a goodhearted person who has been putting up with a lot.  Best wishes with everything!  Just stay away from her as much as you can and still be polite - that's what's worked for me.  It saves me so much aggravation!  She lives ten minutes away, yet I haven't seen her since Easter.  When I do talk to her, we're friendly and there's a lot less resentment built up because I haven't been around her (and being around her is being offended by her!).

RESPONSE:  Sincerely, I'm Not Your Kid Lady, So Back Off!!!!
Posted: 23-JUN-01
I kind of admire you for even WANTING your in-laws to remember your birthday.  I wish mine would let me "reclaim" my birthday.  They insist on coming over and forcing a party on me on the day of my birthday, and it just ruins my birthday.  I'd love to just be able to spend it quietly with my DH.  And they get all these tacky presents that I don't want.  It's miserable.  I WISH they wouldn't remember my birthday!  But I think it's an excuse for them to come over.  I don't think it's because they adore me so much.  On one birthday, when they insisted on coming over, we were going to go out that evening and get a new dog.  My MIL immediately began to try to get her foot in the door and said, "Can I come over tomorrow right away and see the dog?"  I just looked at her.  It was rude, but the last thing I wanted was the stress of dealing with her while we were going through the first few hours with a new (fully grown) dog.  I guess I should be a little more laid back.  You probably would have handled all this a lot better than I did.

 


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