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Frequent Fry Her
TM
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We Are Fed Up
Age: 30    MIL Age: 63

Don't know whether to laugh or cry :)

frequent fry her - wearefedup Frequent Fry Her TM. - wearefedup Posted: 10-MAR-12
A manipulative MIL.  A selfish SIL and a FIL who invaded my privacy while breastfeeding.  Here's my story ...

Sorry, it's a bit elaborate, but I thought you all ought to know the background to understand better.  You can skip and read about "THE FINAL STRAW" at the end of my story.

My MIL was "over the moon" when we got engaged (DH's words).  When I moved to the UK after our wedding, we used to be on very good terms.  I soon realized that MIL basically is the matriarch of the family, and FIL, DH and SIL basically have no say in anything.

DH and I lived in a different town from MIL.  She soon started interfering in our personal lives, mainly through DH.  We got invited to a family friend's party.  After speaking for half an hour to me on the phone on general topics, MIL told DH that when he talks to me, "Can you tell her to put some make-up on for the party?"  There were many more petty incidents like this, which I ignored, initially.  She also started constantly insulting the people and customs of my home country, India.  This hurt me very much.  My parents, my whole extended family, and a lot of my friends still live there, and I have a great respect for my motherland.  Both DH and I told her that her comments were hurting me.  Her response was, "This is a free country.  I have a right to free speech."

Despite all this, I tried to maintain good relations with her.  I have been brought up to forgive relatives, as well as understanding the importance of sticking together as a family.  DH is very close to his parents and DS.  I respected that.  Being a big family person that I am, I tried hard to be a part of my in-law family.

The final blow came when we had our baby.  To begin with, she did not know our baby plans.  I guess she had probed DH and not gotten an answer.  When we told her the good news, she asked, "Is it a planned pregnancy?"  Well, we are not naive 16 year olds!!!  I am a doctor with a diploma in reproductive medicine.  We are both in our 30's (I was 29 then) and had been married for 5 years!!!  But, MIL needed to meddle in everything, and wanted all the personal information!

MIL started behaving as if the baby had nothing to do with me.  When I was pregnant, she told me, "If it's a boy, it should look like DH.  If it's a girl, it should look like SIL!"  Really?  Our DS is a spitting image of DH, but has my eyes and nose.  MIL came to the hospital and said, "His toes are like SIL," nose is like her own and, "Hmmm, don't know whose eyes they are!"  She could have at least said that he looks like his dad!!!

My mum came over to help me, from India, and was going to stay a couple of months (as per our social norms, where a mum always helps her DD during her delivery - especially the first time).  MIL decided to come and stay as well!  She hinted about coming to the delivery room instead of my mum, but both DH and I ignored her!

THE FINAL STRAW ...

Then, something REALLY BAD happened.  My FIL, who is normally a nice person, but has started being forgetful lately, started barging into my bedroom when the door was closed.  It happened when I was nursing or trying to nurse.  He would just push open the shut door, come in a few steps and stare at my half exposed chest!  In my postnatal state, I found this really upsetting!  This happened repeatedly, in spite of DH warning him.  This made me very anxious, and I was afraid to do skin-to-skin or breastfeed in the privacy of my own bedroom, as my privacy was repeatedly invaded.  DH thinks it's probably early dementia, and he may be right.  But, at that point, I could no longer take any more of this.

My baby was readmitted due to excessive weight loss, due to feeding problems.  I had to supplement with formula, as I was still not confident of breastfeeding.  MIL came to the hospital and told my 6 day old baby, "Oh, she can't be stubborn and refuse to give you formula."  I was really hurt by this.  I was doing what I know as a medical professional - the best for my baby.  She had no right or qualification to question my choices!

After he was discharged back home in a couple of days, I roomed in with my baby.  I did not even let my mum, who had flown all the way from another continent, help me or even hold my baby, because I did not want any more controversy.  I patiently waited for FIL and MIL's departure date (which was still 5 days away).  SIL visited, and both MIL and SIL knew about FIL still barging in while breastfeeding!!!  SIL told me, "You have a right to tell my dad off.  I will talk to him."  MIL taunted me for spending more time with "her" grandson.

After all this, MIL and FIL left on the day they had originally planned, after a 12 day stay.  On the way out, MIL apologized on FIL's behalf.  But, after 2 days, when I called to inquire about her medical checkup, she was very cold to me. 

Then, there was more drama.  MIL cried on the phone.  She told my DH, "The birth of your child is a sad event in the family."  She said that I had to apologize to FIL for "mistreating" him, or she would never see me or her GS again.  She is very good with words, and maintains a polished exterior, but she is scheming, and every action is calculated in her mind.  She has always manipulated her DS and DD with emotional blackmail.  She said that she was depressed and needed sleeping tablets, etc., because I had insulted FIL!!!  She tried to make it sound like I was lying.  When DH told her that he had seen FIL coming in repeatedly, she called it a genuine mistake (done repeatedly a few times a day, day after day!).  SIL joined forces with her (having told me completely opposite things face to face!).  MIL and SIL said that I had "implied" that FIL is a pervert.  DH knew the truth.  I had said, "I don't know why he is doing it, but I can't tolerate this anymore."

DH was shocked after all the manipulative efforts by MIL and became very quiet and withdrawn.  If I cried, he would leave my mum, console me and just walk off.  I felt rejected by him in my postnatal state.  If not for my mum, I would not have coped!  I continued struggling to breastfeed.

Then, MIL tried another track.  She started telling DH that it is not right that only one GM gets to spend more time with the baby!  My baby was only 2 week old, and I was in turmoil because of all the accusations and threats.  I was battling postnatal depression.  If my mum had not helped me care for my baby, I would not have coped!  After a few days of reflection, DH finally stood up for me against his mother.  He refused to leave me, or ask my mum to leave.  He told her that FIL was at fault, and that she and SIL were wrong for ganging up against me when I was so vulnerable and not at fault.  DH adores his mum and dad, and he wants our DS to see them once in awhile.  I have finally said yes (with a lot of encouragement from my mother, who has been my pillar of strength through all this).

FIL apologized.  MIL had warned him not to do it.  But, after 2 months, when all her blackmailing and manipulating tactics to turn her son against me didn't work, she gave in.  She only let FIL apologize.  She did not admit her mistakes!!!  I have always had a bit if sympathy for FIL because of the way MIL treats him.  The poor man has been the only breadwinner of the family, but even if he has to buy a box of tissues, he has to ask his wife's permission.  I have forgiven him, and email him once in a while to update on our DS's development.

MIL is the one I can't forgive.  I am still very angry at her for trying to make trouble in my marriage.  I see her occasionally, when she comes to see my DS (mainly for FIL's sake, as he won't be allowed to go without her).

MIL has fought with her late in-laws.  Her own brother has severed ties with her.  Both of her SILs have severed ties with my in-laws family, and because of MIL they don't see their own brother anymore.  A few of the IL's old family friends no longer keep in touch with them because MIL has fought with them.  She used to say, "I have principles and morals, and I won't compromise."  In my case, I would say that she showed no morals and was cheap to back-stab a vulnerable new mother, who was struggling to breastfeed her baby and was suffering from postnatal depression.

I no longer talk to SIL.  She did write me an email blaming "different people telling me different things" for her behavior.  I later learned that she had asked DH whether he could get the baby out to meet her (without me!), when she was visiting our city.  DH had refused outright.  Lucky for us she has moved away, so MIL can no longer give DH a hard time for not running all of SIL's errands for her.  SIL did not come to see our newborn baby on the weekend she had put aside to visit us because "the weather was good" and she would rather do something more fun than meet her newborn nephew.  She said that she would come another weekend, when the weather was bad.  After that, I do not think I am depriving my DS of "a loving aunt".

My relationship with DH has come out stronger through all this, and our marriage is stronger than before (bad luck, MIL, your DS doesn't dance to your tunes, like your DD).

My mum never ceases to amaze me by being the pillar of my strength and helping me cope with a very difficult period in my life.

I am extremely happy looking after my beautiful baby boy and have made a promise to him.  I will never interfere in his personal life once he is an adult.  I will be always there to guide him if he needs guidance, just like my mum did for me.

Does anyone think I should forgive MIL and SIL?  I would like to know what others think I should do or should have done.....

        Signed - Think I Should Forgive MIL And SIL?
        ( responses to this story )        ( here is my story )

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - wearefedup Frequent Fry Her TM. - wearefedup, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 25-FEB-12
I have been married for 6 years.  In those 6 years I have changed from the naive 24 year old bride, who believed that a MIL is like a mother figure, to a 30 year old DIL, who is wiser.  I have now set clear boundaries with my ILs, with my DH's help.

In the last 6 years, I have collected so many MIL stories.  I hope they will be entertaining as well as shocking!

As this is the first story I am posting, I will share a couple of humorous snippets first!

MIL always fusses over her DD in my house.  My SIL used to live in same city as DH and me.  Thank god she moved away!  MIL lives 100 miles away.  She is always going on about how her children don't invite her over, so DH and I invited her to stay with us.  She accepted, and then invited SIL to stay over too!  She didn't ask either DH or me about it!  But, I didn't want to create a scene, so I went along!  She said, "I want to have some quality family time."  By that she meant that she, DH and SIL want to play Scrabble.  DH refused, and went to bed for an afternoon siesta.  She then told me, "You may find this difficult!  Bah!"  What she was indicating was that as I was born and brought up in a non English speaking country.  My English was not as good as her DD's!  But, what about MIL?  She, too, is from my country, and is not even as highly educated as me!

Then, my SIL asked me if I needed any help with cooking.  She rarely offers to help, so I said, "Yes!  You can crush the garlic for me, if you don't mind!"  Within a couple of minutes, MIL was there saying to SIL, "What are you doing here in the kitchen?  Go out and enjoy beer in the sun with your brother and dad."  Ha, and let me toil in the kitchen to entertain and cook for them all!!!

Yet another time I had invited her and FIL to our place for a weekend.  My parents were also staying with us.  MIL arrived and SIL was there again.  Instead of spending time with us and my parents, the reason for which they were invited, MIL and SIL had already made a plan.  They and FIL were going to buy a vacuum cleaner for SIL.  She also managed to drag DH on this trip.  DH and I had an argument about this later that day.

        Signed - Thank God She Moved Away!
        ( responses to this story )        ( here is my story )

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - wearefedup Frequent Fry Her TM. - wearefedup, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 25-FEB-12
I am an Indian girl, and my husband is a British Indian.  We had an "arranged introduction".  It was kind of the Indian way, but not really an arranged marriage.

My parents and ILs were introduced by a common friend first, with the view of introducing DH and me for a potential wedding.  So, you see, MIL was consulted from the beginning.

After months of emails and phone conversations (we were already smitten by each other!), we got to meet when they came down to India.  The main purpose of my DH's visit was to meet me.  We met and the attraction was only stronger.  It took us only a few meetings to be sure of each other!  DH proposed and the rest is history!

When told the good news, MIL looked stunned!  It was an arranged introduction, after all, what was she expecting?  After all that, should her son say NO?!

I was later told by DH, "Oh, Mum was just angry with me because I did not ask her first before proposing!"

I should have known then what a control freak my MIL is!  Took me a long time to piece it all together!

        Signed - What A Control Freak My MIL Is!
        ( responses to this story )        ( here is my story )

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - wearefedup Frequent Fry Her TM. - wearefedup, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 25-FEB-12
MIL loves to meddle in everyone's business!  DH and SIL are no longer on speaking terms, no thanks to my MIL.  However, when I was new to the family, SIL used to be very friendly with me.  So, I know about this.

SIL is 33 and single.  Five years ago she was in a serious relationship.  She had a lovely boyfriend who was a psychiatrist.  SIL is a GP.  She told me that she had been in the relationship for 2 years, but she had kept this a secret from the family.  They rented 2 separate apartments, but they were literally living in each other's places, and actually were planning to buy a house together.  So, they both were pretty serious.

After our wedding, SIL apparently told MIL about her BF.  MIL got very excited when she told her about him.  Then, when she showed her a picture of them together, MIL hit the roof.  Why?  Because the boyfriend was shorter than SIL!!!!  SIL is 5 ft 11 inch tall!  She really loved this guy and she wasn't bothered by height.  He was a good guy, came from a good family, had a good job and they were well suited for each other, according to SIL.

MIL did what she knows best - emotional blackmail, manipulation, threats.  If you marry him, you are no longer a part of our family.  FIL is spineless and MIL is used to having no resistance.  SIL came to me and cried, "You all will shun me."  And, a month later, she broke up with her BF and told me, "Mum has my best interest at heart.  This boy is not good for me, as he's shorter than me and it bothers me."  Really?  You noticed that after 2 years?

Kudos to MIL for manipulating her own DD and making her break up that one serious relationship in her life!  And, to this date, MIL has not talked to me or DH about the whole incident, as if it's something insignificant and not worth mentioning.  And, this when she keeps asking, "When will my daughter get married?  Have left it all to Gods will now."

Poor God, what can God do if MIL is a meddler and SIL is spineless!?

        Signed - MIL Did What She Knows Best
        ( responses to this story )        ( here is my story )

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

frequent fry her - wearefedup Frequent Fry Her TM. - wearefedup, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 3-MAR-12
MIL - The economist:  MIL thinks she knows best about everything- and she is always giving her unsolicited opinion.  SIL had just bought a property during a housing boom.  As I come from a different country, I couldn't understand why properties were so expensive.  How had prices risen so much in our area in the last 5 years?  It was not in correlation with inflation or the GDP rise.

I just mentioned this to SIL as we were discussing property prices over dinner.  I said, "I don't understand why banks are giving such large mortgages - surely this will falsely inflate the house prices and we are going to end up with huge mortgages!"  MIL decided to chip in.  "You don't understand the economy of a developed country.  I will teach you.  That's the way it should be done.  That's the only way the country's assets will improve" (not sure what she meant by this!).

Anyway, the economy crashed 5 weeks after we had this conversation.  I wanted to call MIL up and say, "I told you so," but I resisted.

        Signed - I Told Her So
        ( responses to this story )        ( here is my story )

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

 


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