An old Les Dawson joke.
I haven't spoken
to my mother-in-law for two years. We haven't
quarreled. I just don't like to interrupt her.
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor
can tell you after admitting your MIL?
A: Sir, we were able to save her!
Q: What is the ideal weight for a MIL?
A: About 2.3lbs, including the urn.
The clock fell off the wall. If it was a minute
sooner, it would have hit my MIL. That clock was always slow!
My MIL is banned internationally from playing poker,
as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman
flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed
for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My
wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll
give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the
water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his
arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the
feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred
dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going
down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this
is my MIL." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,
"Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women
beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor,
who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?"
I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".
Q: What do you do if you miss your MIL??
A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate,
"My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're
lucky. Mine is still alive."
Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered
in concrete up to her shoulders?
A: Too little concrete!
My FIL was driving down the road and was pulled over
by a policeman. Walking up to my FIL's car, the policeman said,
"Your wife fell out of the car five miles back." My
FIL replied, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
I wouldn't say that my MIL was ugly, but every time
she puts on lipstick, it tries to crawl back into the tube.
Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.
Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law
rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot her again.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and
A: One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is
A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could
you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the
tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want
this done?" The man replies, "My MIL is coming to
visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that
she is welcome!"
I bought my MIL a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't
plug it in.
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian
slip. I was having dinner with my MIL, and I wanted to say,
"Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead
I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting,
a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband
stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth.
It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother,
his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching
until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted
like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought
her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most
of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation,
and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate
Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for
proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body
back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could
cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued,
"In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains
normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost
$150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers
the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body
back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after
hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very
much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150
dollars." "No, it's not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that
was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected.
Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married
son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She
was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing; and the aroma of perfume filled
the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm
waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" " My husband
loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got
home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the
lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her
husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He
walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What
are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress,"
she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said.
I picked my MIL up at the airport last night.
Yeah, those airport lounges are so dark!
A "rag and bone man" came to my MIL's house
and said, "Excuse me missus, have you got any old beer bottles
you can let me have?" At this, she indignantly replied,
"Do I look as if I drink beer?" At this he said, "Sorry
love, I suppose not. But, perhaps you have got some old vinegar
Cartoon copyrighted by Mark Parisi, reprinted with permission.
To see related Mark Parisi products, please visit
|| Posted: 2-MAY-02
Q: Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down,
when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?
A: Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.
|| Posted: 20-MAR-02
Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when
one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a
little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when
the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.
The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back?
We have to go save that woman!"
To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is
"Are you trying to kill her?"
"Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent.
With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride
her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her.
"What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked
the first lifeguard.
|| Posted: 19-MAR-02
Q: Why would you rather deal with a vicious dog
than your mother-in-law?
A: A vicious dog eventually lets go!
|| Posted: 18-MAR-02
Q: What's the difference between a dead mother-in-law
lying in the middle of the road, and a dead snake lying in the middle
of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake!
|| Posted: 16-MAR-02
Doctor: I'm sorry to say that your MIL had a
SIL/DIL: That's impossible!
Doctor: What do mean that's impossible?
SIL/DIL: She can't have a heart attack! She doesn't have a
|| Posted: 1-MAR-02
Q: Why did my mother-in-law cross the road?
A: I don't know, but it was an ugly site.
I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the
ice gets too thick.
Q: What does a mil call her broom?
A: Basic transportation.
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over
her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled
under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward,
as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to
find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd
you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just
making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's
my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of
having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother,
I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for
fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
My Mother-in-law's other car is a Broom!
My MIL asked, "If you don't like me, why do you
take me on holidays with you?" I told her, "So I don't
have to kiss you good-bye."
My MIL asked me, "If you hate me so much, why
is my photo on the mantelpiece (the shelf above the open fireplace)?"
I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
||I don't say my MIL's ugly
... but around our way, the peeping toms are giving themselves up
to the police.
||My MIL said to me, "I'll
dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do.
I'm being buried at sea."
|| I don't say my MIL's mean
... but she turns off the gas when she's turning the bacon over.
||Behind every successful
man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
||Adam and Eve were the happiest,
and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had
||Sometimes you cannot tell
if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to
spite his mother-in-law.
||Does it really surprise
anyone that Mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?
||"My Mother-In-Law was
bitten by a dog yesterday."
"How is she now?"
"She's fine, but the dog died."
||My mother-in-law is a well
balanced person. She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders.
||There aren't too many TV
shows that dare to tackle the topic of The Mother-In-Law. So,
here are a few suggestions for new story lines for some of the current
hit TV shows.
1. Oprah: Dr. Phil discusses the phenomenon of "Reverse
Claustrophobia" (the uncontrollable desire to lock yourself in
a room or closet when your MIL visits.)
2. House of Fashion: Today's topic - This Old Bag
3. Daughters-in-law and Order - Special Victims Unit:
Investigators probe horrid offenses committed by MILs that have left
the victims devastated, and destroyed lives.
4. Survivor: Stay at home and vote to keep the MILs on
the island forever.
5. Home Shopping Club: DIL SURVIVAL KIT - Items for sale
include a new lock and key for your front door, duct tape, caller
ID boxes, and ear plugs.
6. MIL Family Feud: Most of us have been playing this
game since we got engaged. Whenever you say something, your
MIL tries to top it.
7. WWF: See the champ in the ring with your MIL.
Can she go the distance? Dirty looks and snide comments won't
knock out these tough opponents.
8. MIL Hunter : Go Down Under and watch as one man gets
close to nature and risks getting his head bitten off by one of mankind's
oldest and fiercest enemies.
9. Olympic Track and Field: Watch as ordinary men and
women set new world records for speed while running away from their
10. Martha Stewart Holiday Special: Learn to set a beautiful
holiday table, without a place for your MIL. It's a good thing.
11. Family Law: In this episode, a woman fights to divorce
her MIL while remaining married to her dear husband.
12. Judging MIL: Why not? She judges you.
13. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: The MIL who asks the
most irritating question in the shortest time wins big bucks.
14. Frasier: Will Daphne marry Niles this season?
If she does, at least she won't have to contend with a MIL.
15. Unsolved Mysteries - Missing MILs: MILs are disappearing
all over the city. Does it surprise you that no one is looking
||A man met a wonderful woman
and became engaged to her. He called his mother to share his
good news with her. He arranged to have dinner with his mother
that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. When he arrived
at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette,
and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought
THREE women, instead of just one. He replied that he wanted
to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women
was her future daughter-in-law. She looked at each one carefully
and then replied: "It's the redhead." "How
could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.
She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand HER."
||A woman was leaving a convenience
store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse
was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean
looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I
am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to
help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
|| Overheard in a restaurant:
SHE: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with
a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
HE: Are you describing the wine or your mother?
||My mother-in- law is so
cross-eyed, that when she cries the tears roll down her back!
||Q: How many mothers-in-law
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world
to revolve around her.
||I never forget a face,
But in my MIL's case I'm willing to make an exception.
||I have never made a fool
of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
||My MIL and I were happy
for 20 years.
Then we met each other.
||Last night the local peeping
Tom knocked on my MIL's door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
||Marriage Anon is a club
If any is tempted to marry, they send my MIL over in curlers and dressing
||Two cannibals were sitting
down eating lunch.
One says to the other, "You know, I just can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other one replies, "Forget about her! Just put her to the side
and eat the mashed potatoes."
|| A man finds a lamp, rubs
it, and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man
he may have 2 wishes. He will get whatever 2 things he wishes,
BUT whatever he gets, his MIL will get double. The man thinks
for a while & then proclaims "1. I'd like a million dollars.
2. Beat me half to death".
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules
and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
||Q: What is the difference
between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your MIL?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell
the truth, your MIL doesn't know the difference.
||Q: What are the two
worst things about your MIL?
A: Her faces.
||My MIL is so big, we had
to stop buying her Malcolm X tee shirts, because helicopters kept
trying to land on her.
|| A man was on trial for
bigamy, and after the judge passed sentence he asked the defendant
if he'd learned what made having more than one wife a bad thing.
"Yes, your honor, I have," he replied. "What is the reason?"
the judge asked. "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law,
and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted
|| My mother-in-law is so
stupid she actually asked me for money. The thing is, is that,
according to her I'm a bum !!!!! How dumb is she?
|| I always know when it's
the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves
in the traps.
|| My mother-in-law is a
big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said
he had enough room to get around her, but he didn't know if he had
enough petrol (gas).
|| The doorbell rang this
morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law
on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door in her face.
|| A GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW
Two guys were talking at work.
"I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law
a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh
out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't
buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset.
At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to
everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my
daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used
the gift I gave you last year!"
||Q: How many mothers-in-law
does it take to ruin a marriage?
A: Just one ... mine!
||Q: How many mothers-in-law
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None ... she always gets the son-in-law to do it.
||Q: What's the difference
between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
A: The vulture waits till you are dead before it eats your heart
|| A married couple was in
a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from
her body because she was too skinny. So, the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his
body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
|| Last week my wife and
I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with
an Airbag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a Mother-in-law."
|| Q: How are shotguns
and mothers-in-law alike?
A: If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!
|| I find it interesting
that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you
get the words "woman Hitler".
|| Q: What's the definition
A: Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother-in-law's
picture on a milk carton!
|| "It was really cold
"HOW COLD WAS IT?"
"It was colder than a mother-in-law's kiss!"
Mother-In-Law fell into my pool filled with crocodiles."
"The crocodiles are yours, so you save them."
|| A big-game hunter went
on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while
still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started
to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came
upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this
mess, let him get himself out of it."
|| Q: The difference
between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted!!
|| Two women came before
wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This
young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No!
He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so
they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. "Bring
me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the
young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the
other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood.
Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king
did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first
lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing
to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed,"
said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"
|| Then there is the joke
about the guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months
to live. He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because
living with her for 6 months will seem like forever.
|| Or, the definition of
mixed emotions - seeing your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in
your new car.