My MIL was in my home
for a (very) long holiday visit. Her son and I are remarried.
We have been married for 7 years now. During the holidays,
my MIL's favorite pastime was to sit back and observe us, and then
give us her thoughts on our well being. She was so critical.
It really hurt me when she told me how very, very attractive my
husband's 1st wife was, and how much she appreciated her looking
so attractive for him. Never mind that she was also unfaithful
to him. I always try to look my best, and I have been a good
wife to her son. This all has hurt deeply, and I have lost
respect for her. And, she has lost a relationship with me.
Thanks for a site that I can relate too and laugh about.
Signed - Hurt, She Was
So Critical
Thank goodness I found
this site! Though I haven't found anyone with a MIL as truly
evil as mine, I have found comfort in your stories. Basically,
my MIL has been miserable to me since the day we met. My husband
is Indian, and I am not. On my first visit to their home,
his mother saw an Indian actress on TV. She told her son that
he should go to India to meet her - right in front of me.
Then, after telling me how nice I looked, she went on to tell her
son that I looked like a HOOKER (in a skirt past my knees and a
blouse up to my neck). A few weeks later, when he told his
mom his intention to marry me, she freaked out, and he ended up
moving out of her house (for which HE was paying the entire rent).
He moved in with me since I had my own place. His mother called
(no joke) over 20 times per day, harassing him and guilt tripping
him. His brother passed away five years ago, and she's always
comparing them, telling her existing son that he's not as good as
his brother, and making him feel guilty about everything.
She's an attention whore - everything must be about her. So,
of course, his relationship with me was ALL about her in her pathetic
mind. Here is some background: This woman is severely
uneducated, possesses not one shred of class or integrity, and is
as lazy as he!!. She sits on the couch all day watching TV
and letting her daughter wait on her. She is probably pushing
400+ pounds. Throughout the next year, her schizo behavior
progressed. She's been extremely kind to me, though I always
saw how phony it was. Then, she's been extremely mean, saying
horrible things about me, even though I was constantly kind to her.
I try to spend time with her and get to know her. And, I try
to introduce her to new activities so she can have her own life.
Even my SIL harassed us. She was obsessed with her brother,
and I feel she secretly pretended he was her boyfriend. She's
one year older than he is, and is always telling us how she's more
life experienced because she's been alive one year longer than us.
Even though she lives at home, she has never held a professional
job, is 24, and has never dated in her life. She told my husband
(boyfriend at the time) that she could see in my eyes that I didn't
love him, and that he should take her hand and follow her path,
because she would lead him the right way. Does anyone see
the insanity and obsession in this?? The breaking point was
for a short period. His mom was very nice to us, and I thought
the worst was over. She suggested that we move in with her
to save money, since we were saving for our wedding. And,
since he was paying his parent's rent, if we lived with her, we'd
only have one rent to pay. Well, we agreed, and she was so
excited and nice about it. But, five minutes after we settled
in, I overheard her telling her son that I would have to follow
her orders, clean for her, and that she would be telling me how
to dress! She said some other horrible things about me, and
I decided to go stay with my parents. My boyfriend and I called
to get our apartment back, but it would take two weeks. While
I was at my mom's, his mom concocted this story that she was missing
all this jewelry. And, guess what? She accused me of
stealing it. This infuriated both her son and me. He
knew she made it up, but it got worse. I went to face her
to see if she had such a lack of ethics and morals that she would
lie to my face (the jewelry was never missing). I went and
told her that I would never do something like that, and that I am
a good woman from a good family. She sat there and cried that
I stole from her. I told her that I didn't have to listen
to her, and my man and I left. I didn't speak to her for three
months. The only reason we spoke after that time was because
his grandmother passed away, and I felt sorry for her. We
got engaged the next month, and a new misery befell us. We
were paying for our own wedding, but his mother wanted to plan it
(down to where it was held, and the date we would wed). Mind
you, this woman is cheap, tacky, and she hates me. I was not
about to let her plan my wedding. She made unrealistic demands,
and said that if her son didn't obey her wishes for the wedding,
then she would never accept me, because I was only worth pennies.
You can bet we didn't invite her to the wedding. The day before,
she called and apologized, though it was fake as he!!. She
came to our wedding. But, we told her it was later than it
actually was so that she wouldn't be present at the ceremony (because
we knew she would attempt to ruin it). This may sound paranoid,
but if I told this story with more detail, you would see our worries
were valid. After we were married, she threw a traditional
Indian party for us on which the invitations only listed my husband's
name. When we were in front of her family, she was so nice
to me, because she's a phony witch who doesn't care about who she
really is, only what others think of her. Now, we've been
married for eight months, and I am three months pregnant.
I wanted this event to be the first one that his mother didn't ruin
or suck some happiness out of. No such luck. She clearly
expressed her unhappiness about this child, even though my husband
is very successful, and we can more than provide for this child
(and we planned this pregnancy). She said that I was the devil,
and that she never wanted our baby in her home. She went on
to say more horrible things about me (which worked out to my advantage,
because my husband isn't forgiving her this time). He has
completely eliminated her and his sister from our lives. We
have even had a will drawn up stating that, in the event of our
deaths, my mother is to be the legal guardian of this child.
And, also, we stated that his mother is to have no visitation or
contact at all with this child. We feel that we have to protect
this baby from her. We are sincerely scared that she will
try to kidnap him or physically harm him. He still is close
to his father, but we are not even telling him what hospital we
are delivering at, because we don't want her to show up. These
events have had a dramatic effect on my happiness and trust in people
(especially now that I'm pregnant - I am so worried all the time).
My husband's mother even told him that on the day he was born, he
brought her bad luck for the rest of her life. I can't let
my child be exposed to that. My husband never walked away
from his mom before, because he felt sorry for her, and he sacrificed
my happiness for hers. But, our love is special and unique.
I was never scared off by his mom, because all the interfering in
the world couldn't diminish our love. That doesn't change
the pain I've endured at her hand. It has been he!! for my
husband and me, and I'm just glad that she's out of our lives forever.
Can anyone relate???
Signed - Can Anyone Relate???
Can You Top This!
RESPONSE: Can Anyone Relate??? Can You Top This!
Congratulations on the marriage and the pregnancy!! Hope it's
all going well in that department, at least. Yep, been there,
done it. Well, I am still doing it, actually. It never
seems to stop, as these evil witches will do anything to extend
the drama, milk the sympathy for being "mistreated", and
generally make themselves the center of attention. Oh, and
I'm with you on the multiracial/cultural thing, too - though it's
the other way 'round with us, and, ironically, more difficult for
MIL to be open about her racism in this society. So, she's
really sneaky and indirect about it. Funnily enough, she and
her disgusting boyfriend, who feels really threatened by us, and
who is definitely a racist pig, got really stumped when our DS was
born. They had been expecting a "darkie" and hoping
(idiotically) that my very blond DH would reject him straight away
so that they'd have access to all DH's earnings again. Well,
needless to say, and despite the fact that it would make no difference
to me if DS was purple with green stripes (as I'd still love him
more than anything on earth), our baby defied genetic probabilities
and has straight fair hair and blue eyes. They were so irritated!
I want the next one to be coal black for variety, but as we have
had to cut contact with the ILs for self-preservation anyway, they're
not going to know whatever (LOL). I really am so glad that
your DH is being understanding. It is so hard for the guys,
as they also have to deal with the fact they're missing out on basic
maternal love (even goodwill would be something!), and the embarrassment
of having moms like that at all. Yeah, my DH helped with his
mom's accommodation too, but that is stopping NOW. One of
the main reasons we cut all contact was to protect our son.
It won't be nice having to explain to him all the things that happened.
But, it will be better for him in the long run than being exposed
to that type of behavior and seeing his mother routinely treated
like dirt. I would like him to learn to treat all people -
women included -with dignity and respect. And, in the interim,
with MIL pulling whacko stunts to try to simultaneously appear that
she is blamelessly trying to keep communication open with us while
in reality trying to provoke us into doing something that appears
melodramatic, DS will get ideas of his own about her without us
having to lay it all on. The thing that strikes me about our
stories is that the trouble isn't so much having a MIL who misguidedly
thinks that she loves her DS, but having one who is simply interested
in her own life and keeping up appearances while playing the martyr.
I know that the behavior of most of the MILs who are described here
is inexcusable, but at least some of them may be motivated by an
(admittedly unsophisticated) maternal instinct. And, dare
I say it, they may be motivated by confusion about their role as
mother, and having to let go, now that their DS's are "grown
and flown". OK, a lot of them may well be simply vindictive
and malicious little runts, too. But your MIL sounds as though
this isn't a question of perpetuating her son's infantilism from
the early years. She is simply an egomaniac. Good for
you for getting the HE!! out of there! GOOD LUCK! BE
STRONG! And, remember (as I read earlier on this site), living
well - and loving your DH - is the best revenge when the anger starts
prickling.
My "favorite"
MIL story would have to be the time one of my twins was sick and
woke up from her nap limp, unresponsive, and staring into space
- kind of like a seizure or something. I frantically called
the doctor, who said he wanted to see her immediately. I then
called MIL and explained to her that I had an emergency. I
asked her to come over and watch my other three children while I
took my daughter to the doctor (DH was at work still, and MIL lived
right next door and could walk over in 2 seconds flat). What
did she tell me? She let out a big sigh and said, "Well,
it's already 4:30. The cosmetic store closes at 5:00 and I'm
completely out of make-up." And she turned me down!
Needless to say, I hung up on her and took all four of my children
to the doctor with me! BTW, my daughter ended up being fine
- most probably a febrile seizure, and probably a little dehydrated
from her illness. I have not, and will not ask MIL to watch
my children again.
Signed - Will Not Ask
MIL To Watch My Children Again
RESPONSE: Will Not Ask MIL To Watch My Children Again
Not watch them? If it were me, she'd be lucky if she even
got to SEE them again! Regardless of how she feels about baby-sitting,
there was NO excuse for her behavior. Thank goodness your
daughter is all right.
I only found this site
today (out of desperation). I was actually looking for something
humorous to lift me, so please forgive if I'm not as sophisticated
at this stuff as I should be. First, my MIL uses funerals
- and any other opportunity - to pull the "boohoohoo poor me
- I just don't know what I've done wrong - they must be in REALLY
bad trouble to be acting this way" stunt. BTW, DH and
I have an amazing 2 year old DS, a really strong marriage, a successful
business, a house that we love, a few really close friends, and
a life to die for. But, she has always made out (by little
insinuations only) to any one who'll listen (and they do, because
they think she is just SO SWEET) that we are HOPELESS. She
started off by being really adorable to me. It gradually,
and almost imperceptibly, became worse. Eventually, after
a total breakdown in our relationship with her, we have had to cut
off contact. We did it by writing to her at the end of a long-running
"letter war" concerning her behavior - 5 years into our
marriage, and ten years since we started out together. This
has not been without difficulties, as she then used to exploit family
births and tragedies to try to contact us (we wrote telling her
to stop being opportunistic - she replied that we were being childish).
DH owns half the house that she and her 67 year old BF live in.
He has told her that he no longer wants to support them at the expense
of our DS, especially as the relationship has become more complicated.
So, now there is the sale paperwork. But, we really don't
want to have anything more to do with her. I read (somewhere
on here) the advice that to avoid MIL troubles, you should:
A) Make sure DH is an orphan. B) Live 10,000 miles
away, or C) Not get married. Well, DH is an only child
whose dad died when DH was a little boy, and his parents were already
divorced (so he's almost an orphan). We live an absolute minimum
of 8 hours away from the woman. And, DH is totally in accord
with the way I think, and 100% supportive. We are not in any
way financially dependent on MIL. To the contrary, we have
been bankrolling her (and her malicious gnome of a BF) for a long
time. The reason that I still cry and have sleepless nights
is that she is slowly turning all the rest of the (huge) family
and mutual friends against us. We have been incredibly fair
to her by not letting on to everyone exactly what she did to us.
And, we wanted to give her an opportunity to explain for herself
(yeah, I know, naive). She is only concerned about how her
behavior appears in the public eye, caring not a jot for her only
child and grandchild (though, desperate to look as though she does).
DH and I get most of our self-validation from ourselves and the
few really good friends we have. But, I do NOT like being
undermined behind my back by someone for whom I have sacrificed
great chunks of my life (long story - as if this isn't!), especially
when that person has been horrible to me, and is making out that
SHE is the victim! The following may offend. So please
scroll or stop reading if you are sensitive. The last straw
came yesterday when I was sent home from the hospital to have a
"natural" miscarriage. DH and DS were total stars,
and DH was bringing me hot water bottles and late Christmas posts
to take my mind off things (my idea). I opened a card from
the woman supposed to be DH's godmother. She lives across
the world from all of us. It said that what we are doing to
poor MIL is terrible! Well, Merry Christmas to you too!
I know that she wouldn't have realized that she had actually caught
us while we're going through something like this, but she shouldn't
just prejudge us! So, I'm trying to just figure out how to
stop letting it get to me. I don't want to do anything melodramatic
like writing an open letter to everyone that I think MIL has "gotten
to". She's really good at what she does, so I don't see
how I can protect myself from things like getting "spiked"
seasons greetings while having a miscarriage! Short of getting
new identities, how do you stop it?
Signed - REALLY Fed Up!
RESPONSE: REALLY Fed Up!
I'm not sure there is a way to get around it. DH and I finally
had a "heart to heart" (shouting match) with my MIL about
her behavior. It ended with her leaving and saying, "I
don't care if my kids don't need me and don't want me."
Then, she went and told her whole family that her kids have disowned
her, about 5 years too late. She told us 5 years ago that
we would never see or hear from her again, and she didn't care if
she ever saw our DD again either. Too bad we aren't that lucky.
MIL arrived on Tuesday
from the west coast to spend Christmas with us. On Wednesday,
I left work, went to the grocery store (to stock up on things for
her), walked in the house and started making dinner. While
we were eating, the phone rang. It was my husband's ex-wife
inviting MIL over to "shoot the breeze". Well, she
couldn't get out the door fast enough. She said, "Oh,
I'll be right over." I thought to myself, "Wow,
you haven't even been here 24 hours. It was rude of both my
MIL to leave during dinner, and for my husband's ex to intrude.
MIL and ex - a bad combination!
Signed - Just Plain Sick
Of MIL
Sometimes, I am so angry
with MIL that I cannot even think straight. Coming here helps
more than words can express - just knowing that there are others
who endure much the same thing as I do, occasionally even worse.
So, here it is, 5 days before Christmas, and, as usual, she is adding
unneeded stress. First, she was coming to spend the night
of Christmas Eve against my wishes. Then, she wasn't.
Now, she IS. Grrrrr!!! Then, she wasn't going to be
at our house for Christmas dinner. She would be at her BIL's
home. Then, she WAS going to be at our house. Then,
she wasn't. And, the latest is, now she is. But, she
will have to leave early to make it to her BIL's, as that has always
been the faaaaaaamileeeeeee tradition. And, now that I am
in the picture, I am keeping DH from his faaaaaaaaammmileeeeeeee.
We have two small children, and feel it is important to be home
on Christmas. What do children want to do??? They want
to play with their stuff, not be hauled all over creation to this
relative's home or that one's. I have tried to be civil to
this he!! beast of a woman, but she is such a crybaby that she makes
it impossible to have any feelings other than hatred and resentment
towards her. She is the type who wants to be begged and coddled
in order to get her to do anything, unless it is her idea.
Like I say, she wants DH to be with his faaaaaamileeeeee on Christmas
day, like they all did when he was 5. Forget the fact that
he has a wife and children now, and we have our own traditions.
Not to mention the fact that I, too, have family whom I want to
see and spend time with on holidays. I am literally feeling
ill about Christmas. If I never had to deal with this woman
again, that would be just fine. But, as always, I am the b!tch
in the whole situation.
Signed - Like They All
Did When He Was Five
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