I can't stand my FMIL!
Today, she finally pushed me over the edge. I will not be visiting
for Christmas, and if that means FH doesn't visit either, so be it.
A quick rundown: FMIL has a tendency to talk her sh!t about
me at work (we work for the same company). I recently changed
locations, so I haven't been hearing much from her lately. Today,
not 1, but 2 of my coworkers came up to me and told me she was badmouthing
me at her organization's Christmas party last night. I honestly
wasn't surprised, because she does it all the time. Despite
FH talking to her numerous times, she still can't keep her mouth shut.
And, what's worse, if I confront her about it, she goes into complete
denial. I hate that woman. Why won't she just butt out
of our lives? She was apparently talking about how I never do
anything for FH - that he does everything (cook, clean, etc.).
HELLO!!! Have you ever been to our apartment? Yes, and
if you noticed it was clean, it was because I did it, not FH.
When he was growing up, you had a MAID do all his chores. I
had to show him how to work the dishwasher! He never cleans
up after himself, always leaves food on the counter, and thinks stuff
has to be falling out of the trashcan and onto the floor before someone
does something about it. Yes, I make him wash his dishes, and,
yes, he does his own laundry. I am not his maid, nor will I
ever be. He is an adult. And, since you failed to show
him responsibility, he is now having to learn it from me. Do
you think I like having to remind him that he's supposed to put the
toilet seat down when he's finished? No, I do not want kids
right now. I am 20 years old, and have not even graduated from
college yet. We're still planning the wedding! Perhaps
FH and I will have kids someday. But if not, it is OUR decision,
not hers. My goal in life is not to provide her with grandchildren!
She thinks that, since I don't fall over all the relative's children,
I hate kids. I don't hate them. It's just that, right
now, I don't want them. And WE, meaning FH and I, will decide
whether or not we will ever have kids. This woman is as nice
as can be to my face. But, as soon as she can't see me, she
goes off. I could write a book on all the reasons I dislike
this woman. And, I hope that FH will eventually step up to the
plate and give her the ultimatum. Either accept me, or not see
him.
Signed - Finally Had Enough
RESPONSE: Finally Had Enough
Since you are not married yet, I would really think hard about whether
or not you can tolerate your FH's family. When you marry someone,
you also marry their family (whether you like it or not). As
long as a man has had a good relationship with his mother, she is
always going to be an important woman in his life.
RESPONSE: Finally Had Enough
I feel your pain! My MIL literally did everything but wipe my
DH's bum for him. While we were living together, he would take
a shower, and just dump everything - dirty clothes, underwear and
wet towels on the floor. It would be a wet mess that he would
leave for me to pick up. I began to throw these articles into
a large garbage bag. He called me at work and wanted to know
where all of his underwear went. The bag was pretty stinky by
that time, and some of his clothes were moldy. One time, while
MIL and FIL were staying with us, FIL left his dirty underwear on
the bathroom floor. I came out into the livingroom and asked
FIL if they were his. I never had a problem with this again!
His mom got pretty po'd at me for being mad that he wouldn't clean
his pockets out before he put his clothes into the wash. There
was always a lot of ripped up Kleenex throughout the load, exploded
ink pens, earplugs, etc. I began to take the money he had in
his pockets. I saved all the other stuff, put it into a box,
and gave it to him for Christmas. Everyone else laughed - except
MIL. My attitude towards this is that my DH "lives here
too". We both work, and damned if I'm here to be his slave.
No one cleans up after me. I mean, my mother never did.
I have written in before
to moan about my MIL. But, this time, I am moaning about my
FIL, and I suppose my MIL as well! My DH and I got married this
year. My parents paid for virtually everything, and his parents
(after DH had spoken to them) offered to pay for the drinks.
Well, my DH went over to France to get all the wine, etc., and paid
for it (which I thought was fine, as FIL would pay back ASAP).
Well, it is now Dec 19th, and the wedding was in July. And,
there is still no sign of payment! We are broke, as we are still
paying off our honeymoon and my excessive purchases of honeymoon clothes!
My FIL's business has gone bankrupt, which I believe to be his fault,
as he spends the profits before he has made them (2 business have
gone bankrupt in the past). And, I therefore believe that they
haven't got much money at the moment. They do, however, give
the impression that they are extremely wealthy and mix with very posh
people. And, they like to keep up with them and their lifestyle.
I wouldn't expect the money to be paid back instantly, or at all,
if they were really broke and had to scrimp and save. But, because
they are still spending money on themselves like they are millionaires,
it makes me resent them and hate them. Just before the wedding,
they went on a 2 week tour of America (we are from England), which
must have cost quite a bit. And, since the wedding, they have
been going out for expensive meals. Now, my FIL is taking my
MIL away for 4 days for her Christmas and birthday present to cheer
her up (not that I don't think she deserves it, as being married to
my FIL must be very depressing). FIL has asked my DH (who has
agreed, although he did ask me - but as if I could say no) to look
after their two dogs! I am not happy about being lumbered with
the two dogs, because, although they are lovely, they are a hassle.
It is the last 4 days of our Christmas holidays, and we have to plan
everything around the dogs! If I wanted dogs, I would have my
own! We also have a really small house and two rabbits in the
back garden who have a heart attack every time they smell the dogs.
I, also, resent doing anything for my parents-in-law, as I cant think
of one thing that they have actually done for us! I am a cancerian
and very typical of my star sign - very emotional and overly sensitive,
but also a caring and giving person to those who I love and care about.
So, I find it difficult to understand their selfish ways, and I take
it personally. Believe me, I have tried in the past (and still
on occasions now) to improve our relationship. But, they are
takers, not givers, and certainly different to me. I can't carry
on being a doormat to them, as I am emotionally exhausted (the cancer
crab climbs back into its shell when hurt!!). I would have said
that most parents would want to help their children in their marriage,
especially the first few months. My parents have been great,
though. They don't interfere. They give support when asked.
But, I think my DH resents them a bit, as they are fairly wealthy
and have a very successful business, unlike his family. But,
DH's family seems to put pressure after pressure on us, and take advantage
of my DH's generous nature. I don't know what to do, as I am
hating being married, and am letting his family affect our marriage.
I am even thinking that maybe I don't love him that much. If
I did, then would I put up with his family for him? I just want
to move back home where I am loved and not taken advantage of!
Signed - I Never Did Want
to Grow Up!
RESPONSE: I Never Did Want to Grow Up!
See a therapist.
RESPONSE: I Never Did Want to Grow Up!
I understand the pretentious and ostentatious ILs problem SOOO well!
My FIL ran a business into the ground, with some of DH's money invested
too. And of course the ILs still kept up a lavish and ridiculous
lifestyle. After "borrowing" (ha! as if DH will see
a $ of it) about $30,000 from DH to pay their taxes, they immediately
turned around and took SIL to the beach for a weekend. No cheap
digs for them, either, I'm sure. I was mad on DH's behalf.
But we weren't married at the time, so I had to tread carefully.
He said he wasn't mad because he loves his family and they had a nice
trip. Here's the only advice I can give you: 1.
You'll never see the money for the wine. Forget about it.
It's two years since my DH gave his MIL the $30,000. Just chalk
it up to experience, and NEVER expect any financial assistance from
them. 2. Never ever lend them money unless it is for a
necessary medical procedure. Remember the Bard: "Neither
a borrower nor a lender be". 3. Even if they get
the financial problems under control, they will still, until their
last breath, act like snobs. They're too old to change that.
My ILs are the hugest snobs ever, although, at least they cut up their
credit cards. You can see the lurid details in my post signed,
"Sign Me A" at the message board thread regarding trading
in your ILs for an ex's parents. At least if they get the money
under control though, you won't feel like they're going to sponge
off you. 4. Go ahead and feel superior about your better
financial skills. Work hard, budget and plan. My SIL,
at 30, finally started doing this when she saw how deeply her parents
got into financial trouble. You'll feel so good. And,
believe me, anything that makes you feel superior, in your heart,
to snobby ILs is great!
So, my MIL is a nut bag.
We work at the same place of employment. Her entire family,
with the exception of my wife, can't communicate with anyone without
screaming. A lady's husband (from work) died about 2 weeks ago,
and Mama Bin Laden said, "Well, if you would have yelled at him
more, he would still be here today." P.S. Papa is
in the hospital right now, so I guess her mothering techniques are
as sharp as her people skills.
Signed - Mama Bin Laden
Where should I even begin
with my MIL story?? My fiancé and I are getting married
in August 2002, and the only responsibility we have put on his parents
is the rehearsal dinner, which, quite possibly, could be the easiest
task involved in this wedding. So, after telling his mom that
we wanted to have the rehearsal dinner at a local golf and country
club, and requesting her to come and look at the place, she turned
up 5 1/2 hours late and blames us for "limiting" her choices.
From that point, she proceeded to yell at me (in the front of the
country club my parents happen to be members of) until I told her
that we could continue the conversation at my parent's house down
the street so as not to end up on the front page of the newspaper
the following morning. Once we got to my parent's house, she
all but lit into me about what she thought of me, leaving it to my
imagination, because she said her opinion of me was so bad she was
afraid to say it. All the while, mind you, my fiancé
was sitting in the chair next to his mother just watching her go off
on me. During the yelling match, I abruptly told her to get
out, and that she had no right to speak to me that way, especially
in my parent's house!! Over the past year of my relationship
with her son, she has found it necessary to call 3 or 4 times a day,
if necessary, to shoot the you-know-what. She constantly wants
us to visit. And, when we get there, she complains that we are
running up her water bill, and talks about how much time it will take
to vacuum, clean the tub, and wash sheets once we leave. So,
which is it?? She makes me and my fiancé's brother's
girlfriend of five years miserable beyond words. She gossips
like a 16 year old high-schooler, without regard for other's feelings.
When she gets caught saying incredibly bad things about people behind
their backs, she points the blame in any other direction but her own.
She will instantly begin crying, and seek immediate support, while
I am stuck with the blame. She has enormous strings attached
to her 2 boys, leaving little room for a healthy relationship between
her son and myself. I have yet to experience my fiancé
rush to my defense, or to acknowledge his support for me. The
latest fiasco, even as we speak, is his mother's recent "negative"
remarks about her part of the rehearsal dinner. She thinks the
dinner is too much. Never mind that it was the cheapest price
in town. It was her opinion, once again, that leaves everyone
miserable, and wondering what makes her so unhappy in life that she
must inflict such misery on others. My fiancé and I are
on the brink of calling off the whole wedding because I refuse to
"overlook" her "being a difficult person to get along
with" (my fiancé's words exactly). Happiness is
my right too, and I outright refuse to roll over and accept her behavior
for the next fifty years. The question of our future wedding
is currently still up in the air. I wonder at which point my
fiancé will wake up and smell the roses about his mother and
her manipulative ways. It might take a small miracle.
The question is whether I will stick around to watch it happen.
Signed - Unhappy Girl
RESPONSE: Unhappy Girl
Lady-do not marry this momma's boy.
RESPONSE: Unhappy Girl
You need to sit your DF down and have a LONG talk about him supporting
you. If he refuses to support you when his mother starts tearing
into you, call things off - now. If he can't stand up to her
before the marriage, he never will after, and you'll be putting up
with this garbage for your entire life. Tell him that you need
his support. If he's unable to give it, the two of you need
to reconsider spending your lives together.
RESPONSE: Unhappy Girl
I can relate to the wedding stuff. My parents paid for our ENTIRE
wedding. The in-laws could well afford to help, but did not
offer one penny. Of course, my dear parents were wonderful,
and did not bat an eye. It would have been nice for the in-laws
to OFFER a small token towards the wedding, though - just common courtesy
in my opinion. Of course, when mom and I went to have the invitations
printed, they said "my parents only" request the honor of
your presence. This is proper wording when the bride's parents
foot the bill. If they had offered to pay at least 1/3 of the
wedding, I would have included their names. NEXT, they put pressure
on my DH to NOT have alcohol at our wedding - yeah, right (DH and
I both drink occasionally)! It is against THEIR religious beliefs
(of course, they also would not dance at our wedding, either, for
the same reasons - whatever). When I told my dad this, he said,
"How can I invite all of our friends and relatives and not offer
them a drink?!" Of course, we had alcohol. I let
my dad pick whatever he wanted! The in-laws had had THEIR wedding
- this was my wedding, and they were not going to take that away from
me! Finally, they offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner.
Oh brother, we would have been better off paying for it ourselves.
My monster-in-law called, and wanted to have it AT HER HOUSE (cheap,
cheap, cheap), which was, of course, 40 minutes away from the church
where our rehearsal was! As soon as I hung up the phone with
MIL, my mom and I immediately took the initiative and made reservations
at a nice restaurant (again, this was my wedding, not MIL's!).
Then, I called and INFORMED MIL where the rehearsal dinner would be,
at what time, and how many would be there. See, she wanted to
have it at her house, because that way she could have all of HER friends
there, and Lord knows who else. She wanted to turn it into her
show - but I would not let that happen. You need to take the
initiative from the start, be the boss and make all of your own decisions.
When my MIL realized that I was in charge of this show, she backed
off! Do the right thing.
RESPONSE: Unhappy Girl
If you marry this guy, be prepared to become a regular here.
People don't change. Once you are married, it will become worse.
Good luck, and call the wedding off!
RESPONSE: Unhappy Girl
Don't count on him waking up and smelling the roses. Run.
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