After my hysterectomy, MIL
came to my house to "help" me with the housework.
When I came into the living room where she was sitting, she asked
me why I was walking hunched over a bit. I explained that it
was because of the surgery, which she knew about. She said that
it was not an excuse to walk in such a manner. She would give
every female in the family a gift and gave nothing to me. I
never fought about it, because if it's not from the heart, I don't
want it. One time, she told me that she thought her son walked
like a gay person (what she actually said was quite derogatory).
When I told her son what she said, she asked me why I would ever say
such a thing. I said, "You said it. I only repeated
what you said. Maybe you should be more selective in what you
are saying about others, including your son." At a Christmas
party at her favorite DIL's house, she asked me, in front of people
whom I didn't know, "What happened to you? You used to
be so thin, and now you're fat." Embarrassed, I replied,
"Tell us what happened to you and why you're fat. Then,
I'll feel more like explaining." Thinking she had class,
in spite of the fact that her husband - my dead ex father-in-law -
was a rube LCDR in the NAVY, she was so impressed with brand names
of items. At a classy kitchen shower given for her granddaughter,
she squealed with delight at the fact that her granddaughter received
a complete set of "FRUIT OF THE LOOM" instead of the
SPICE OF LIFE Corningware.
Signed - Tell Us What Happened
To You
Worst gift: Worst Gift
- Again! Once again, my MIL and her friend gave everyone in
the family a huge box of chocolates! I am trying to lose weight,
and everyone knows it. As a matter of fact, my MIL is obsessed
with other people's weight. Every time she sees a person, she
looks them up and down. The first thing she says is, "Oh,
you lost weight," or, "Oh, you gained weight."
I have three sons. The middle son turns into an orangutan if
he eats too much chocolate, and my youngest has asthma, and will have
an attack if he eats too much. Last Christmas Eve, I ended up
sitting in the emergency room with him all night after my MIL kept
sneaking him chocolate. So, out of a family of five, that's
three who don't want chocolate. But, what do my MIL and her
friend keep buying us year after year? After opening presents
with them last night, we have 16 boxes of chocolate in our pantry!
Next year, I'm going to chuck the chocolates straight into the garbage
can - right in front of them! And you know what's really bizarre?
They're both diabetic and can't eat stuff like that! AAARGH!
Signed - What A Surprise
- Another Box Of Chocolates!
RESPONSE: What A Surprise - Another Box Of Chocolates!
I understand your story. My DH has an aunt that cannot accept
the fact that her poor eating habits and lifestyle have lead to her
being fat and diabetic. She has sores all over her body that
won't heal due to the illness. I know I'm prone to the illness,
so I take care of myself and eat right. I have cut out wheat,
sugar, and unnecessary fat from my diet. My DH's aunt does not
understand this, and at breakfast she served me buttered toast and
bacon.
RESPONSE: What A Surprise - Another Box Of Chocolates!
When the next occasion arises that you should give her or her friend
a gift, give them a box of the chocolates back. When she says
they are diabetic and can't eat them, explain that neither can you,
your son who turns into an orangutan, or your son who has asthma.
Maybe she will get a clue if you have the opportunity to tell her
that your situations are equitable to their being diabetics.
RESPONSE: What A Surprise - Another Box Of Chocolates!
If they can't eat it, I have an idea for you. Put the boxes
in the freezer and then give them back to them next Christmas.
When they say, "We can't eat chocolate," tell them, "Oh,
I know people give what they would like to be given. We can't
eat chocolate either." It's just a suggestion. What
a pain in-laws are. Sorry yours are a pain in the butt too.
Hang in there.
RESPONSE: What A Surprise - Another Box Of Chocolates!
This sounds so familiar! After going on a well known diet plan,
my MIL suddenly started buying me candy (she never did it before).
I just gave it to my DH, whose weight is fine. I have an additional
problem. It is my father who is obsessed with weight and has
always said nasty things to me about mine. Anyway, he doesn't
think there is any such thing as "private", and he is always
blabbing to the woman he works with who started sending me Christmas
cakes. My wonderful mother had to explain to both of them that
I was on a diet plan and didn't want a bunch of cakes around.
My father still was after me to take a cake, and it got to the point
where my mother told him that I had one, and not to mention it again.
RESPONSE: What A Surprise - Another Box Of Chocolates!
I know what you mean. I am losing weight (an ongoing battle
since I was a child) and I told FDH to tell his mother that I wanted
diet drinks instead of regular drinks when we went to see them for
Christmas. FDH did tell her this, and that I was serious about
this (he knows what I am going through). Did she buy me diet
drinks? NO! She bought regular drinks. And, when
I didn't drink them, she got mad and asked why. I told her why,
and she got huffy. She really didn't like it when, on the second
day that I was there, I went to the grocery store and bought my own
diet cola and drank that. Oh well. Also, my FFIL is diabetic,
and the doctor has warned him of his eating habits, and that the next
step was to go to insulin injections if he didn't change his diet.
Well, FMIL said that there was nothing wrong with the way she cooked,
and that she wouldn't change just because of what the doctor said.
She cooks with a lot of grease and fat. When I am at her house,
I cook (healthy) because I get sick if I eat her food. She takes
that as an insult. But, FDH supports me in this also, as he
gets sick if he eats too much of her food. It looks like, to
me, she is trying to kill FFIL with her food. Our MILs are psycho,
aren't they? I like your idea about chucking the chocolates
in front of her in the trash. DO IT! I would love to see
her face when you do this. Heee, heee.
Well, the holidays are
here (again!) and I have to spend time with the IL's. Our situation
is complicated by my DH's parents being divorced (yet, somehow getting
back together again, and possibly planning a wedding in the near future).
I can overlook some of my MIL's behavior, since I know she is a major
control freak. But, some things I can't let go: A couple
of weeks before our wedding, she informed me that she really wished
her son would be marrying someone from his own race (we are a biracial
couple). I let this go, at the time, only later to find out
that my DH had also been told the same remark, and he told her not
to let me know under any circumstance. My DH has always told
her, "If you want to make me happy, make my wife happy."
But, after 9+ years of marriage, I still feel like I am viewed as
"not part of the family". As recently as last year,
she wanted a "family" picture. She took my 9 month
old baby (#2 grandchild from us) out of my arms and announced, "She
can take the picture." My DH let her know that I was definitely
part of the family. She was shocked that he raised his voice,
even slightly to her (even though we have had repeated arguments with
her in the past). I guess my point is that, even if your DH
supports you 100%, the MIL will still try to frustrate the situation.
Signed - Always Frustrated
RESPONSE: Always Frustrated
MIL can frustrate all she wants - the bottom line is, your DH supports
you and calls her out on her atrocious behavior. I love what
he said to her about, "If you want to make me happy, make my
wife happy." He sounds like a great guy! I'm glad
you two are on the same page - screw the old bag, and many happy years
together for you and your DH!
I'm sorry for the length
of this, but, believe me, I missed out whole chapters to try to stay
to the point. When I proposed to DW, she was delighted, and
called all her friends and family to tell them the good news.
Now, it is a year and a half after the wedding, and the calls have
not stopped! They are mainly from my MIL and SIL, who live together.
They are retired, and unemployed, respectively, chronically unwell
(largely self inflicted), and rely almost entirely on DW for emotional
and practical support. They average 4 or 5 calls per day, but
it has been as high as 18 during times of actual (not manufactured)
crises. On only about 2 days have they never called, at least
one of which was after they had had a fight with DW. SIL sometimes
calls us the second our morning alarm clock goes off to give us a
summary of the news. Sometimes, she calls to make sure we are
up. We tell her that we have an alarm clock for this, to which
she responds, "You know I can't help caring for you."
We work from home, and so there is really no escape from their calling.
When we go out, they call on the cell phone. When they think
we will not answer during work hours, they call one minute into our
lunch break, or dead-on 5 pm when we stop work. They call during
our dinner, first one of them and then the other, even though we told
the first one we were eating. It is only DW who is the target
of their calls, because I have taken a step back from them.
They want to know every little detail of what she is doing.
Often, they will ask her who is in the room with her, even though
it is always me. And, they want to know what I am doing.
I don't want them to know what I am doing all the time! I call
DW my commentator when that happens. When MIL knows I am near
her, she will end the conversation. Other times, when I go outside
to feed the dogs, or go to the bathroom, DW will be on the phone to
MIL when I get back! That's just an example of her trying to
please both sides, and also to attempt to avoid "one of those
looks" from me. I feel that that is being sneaky.
Whenever she hangs up from them, she will say, "I'll call you
back," or, "I'll talk to you later," implying yet more
calls. SIL has called a couple of times well after midnight
now because she had been messaging DW online and knew that we were
still up. I think I got that one straightened out, but I never
really know when DW will cave in again and do things on their terms
once more. Needless to say, MIL and SIL are clingy and manipulative
at every turn towards DW. They constantly use pity to keep her
attention. Sometimes, they are genuinely sick, but because they
exaggerate every little problem, there is never any rest from them,
and DW feels guilty for creating distance. DW and I have come
a long way in finding a compromise we can both live with. We
have put MIL/SIL on distinctive ring so that we know it is them who
are calling, and we don't answer during mealtimes. Sometimes,
we agree to watch a movie together and not answer the phone, but DW
often still answers when we are lying in bed and talking idly.
The point I am getting to is that I never know the minute we will
be interrupted. I feel my chest tightening whenever I hear the
phone ring. A romantic mood takes a certain amount of time to
build, and often the phone rings just at the early stages, you know,
when you spontaneously exchange a certain kind of smile. DW
will answer the phone because we "weren't really doing anything,"
and so the quality of our marriage suffers. My mind is filled
with a history of incomplete hugs and kisses, and my heart breaks
for it. It shouldn't be this way! I have talked to DW
about my feelings on this until I have turned blue and some other
colors too. We realize that MIL/SIL will never respect our boundaries.
They choose only to see things from their side and their needs.
The problem is that, before DW married me, she would talk to MIL/SIL
on the phone even more than she does now. DW feels she has adjusted
already, and that the rest is up to me. She accepts that the
calling is still too much, but says it should not be affecting me
this way, and thinks I am just being difficult. She says she
is "afraid" to answer the phone, in case it puts me in "one
of my moods," and that I am being a bully. I have tried
so hard to get that compromise that we so badly need, but it seems
to come at too high a price, and never for long. We agreed,
once, to call screen after their second call, but I am not sure what
happened to that agreement. Typically, MIL/SIL will have some
"emergency" necessitating a slate of calls. The next
day, a bunch of calls will be necessary to make sure everything is
okay from the events of the day before. And, after that, no
one will have remembered that there was to be any kind of limit on
the calling. Allowance will never, ever be made for my needs
in this regard, except unless I do some kind of dance and fit.
And, then, it is only to shut me up. DW will repeat that call
screening is rude and hurts people's feelings. And, she says
that disconnecting the phones for privacy could mean we are not there
for someone in an emergency. I have asked for MIL/SIL-free days
as suggested on this site, but it is done with an underlying sense
of protest. And, sometimes we get all the way to 10 PM, MIL
will phone, and DW will pick up because she forgot our agreement.
I have tried reason, and pleaded for moderation. I have tried
explaining how hurt it makes me. I have demanded my rights as
the DH. And, finally, I have threatened to leave. All
of which has been derided, because I am the cruel one who is asking
for too much. Now I understand why DW has never fully stood
up to MIL/SIL and stuck to her word. It is because she LIKES
it that way. And, even though she complains about it sometimes,
it is just lip service to placate me. MIL and SIL are actually
reasonable company in small enough doses, and when they are not playing
mind games. But, the dose at the moment is lethal. I have
tried explaining it to MIL and SIL, verbally and by email. But,
of course, without the backup of DW, I am wasting my breath.
DW insists that it is not her fault that they call, and that I could
help by answering the phone sometimes. Unfortunately, I have
tried this, and gotten mild abuse for saying that DW was sleeping
or too sick to talk. While I have been writing this, MIL has
called twice. DW said she was doing the dishes and would "call
her right back." DW often responds defensively whenever
I begin to react out of despair. She will bring up every mean
thing I have ever said or done on any subject. And, she will
say that I am not all that perfect either. Today we had a blow
up. We are going to MIL's for Christmas dinner. Things
were fine, until DW said she was going the day before to help them
make it, not out of obligation, but because it was "a family
tradition". I asked her where our own family traditions
were. I even suggested that we go out and do something special
rather than have her go to MIL's house. And her response was
that we could do both. She resented me greatly for wanting to
take this special time away from her, while I said it was enough that
she saw them on Christmas day. So, here I sit on Christmas Eve.
She has gotten back from MIL/SIL's, and we have hardly spoken.
I am now the one who has ruined Christmas. DW has just called
MIL back after doing the dishes. One of them is not well again.
I can't hear the exact words, but I hear groaning from the speakerphone.
I think that, ultimately, I need someone to be our mediator.
I need them to get her to acknowledge that my feelings are real and
valid, because I sure as he!! can't. They are like an unholy
trinity - mother and two sisters, inseparable, and unfathomable until
death. Yet, I would be happy and love my life if this problem
could be solved. On the very rare days when the calls have been
slight, I felt a contentment and an inner optimism that made me smile
for no reason at all. Merry Christmas. Thanks for listening.
Signed - Tired Of Constant
Phone Calls
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
Wow, I really feel for you. And, I want to start off by saying
that I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all. I
don't think it is fair of your DW to say that you are being difficult.
It sounds like you have tried very hard to compromise, and your DW
is not keeping up her end of the bargain. It sounds like you
are right about one thing - your wife does like things the way they
are. She doesn't seem to be able to, or want to, make a break
from her mother and sister. You are right about another thing
- you need a neutral third party. I strongly suggest marriage
counseling. It is your best bet at this point. If your
wife refuses, tell her you are very unhappy with the way your marriage
is going, and that you need her to make the full commitment to work
on it together. If she still won't go, then you go alone.
The therapist will help you to deal with all of this and help you
make decisions regarding how you want to proceed with your life.
It won't be easy. But, I think that if you really want the marriage
to work at all, you need a professional's guidance. Good luck
to you. I hope things get better.
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
Ahhhh, the telephone and television - thieves of romance, intimacy,
and conversation. I don't know how to fix (not quite the best
word, but the best I can think of) your problem without your wife's
agreement. My hubby's relatives would call at all hours of the
day, with no thought to how they may be interrupting something special,
or just plain interrupting. It frustrated me to no end.
I told my hubby over and over and over again that it made me feel
worthless and unimportant when he would interrupt our dinner or a
conversation to chitchat with his family. He didn't get it.
It finally took a crying screaming fit in the middle of dinner at
a restaurant for him to get an inkling of how I felt. In the
crying and screaming fit, I told him that if he, and I quote, "didn't
turn that d@mn f*****g thing off and give me the respect that I deserve
as your wife and a human being, I'm getting in the car and leaving,
and you can finish your phone call and dinner by yourself."
He has, since then, learned to turn the phone off at mealtimes.
I took the phone out of the bedroom, and killed the ringer at night.
He gave me the same line about people getting their feelings hurt
because I screened phone calls. I told him that if they couldn't
respect us, they deserved it. If they were not calling at inappropriate
times to begin with, I wouldn't be screening the calls. You
might want to see a marriage counselor with your wife. Perhaps
then she'll understand how much this means to you. Set boundaries,
enforce them, and demand respect. Tell the ILs what you're going
to do, and do it. If you tell them that the phone is getting
unplugged at night, stick to it. Maybe you can wean the ILs
off their phone calls. For example, you could try this:
At about 8pm, call the ILs and say, "After this call, the phone
is being turned off for the night. Is there anything you'd like
to talk about before then?" Yeah, it's kind of a silly
idea, but it might work in getting them used to your boundaries.
And, it sends a not-so-subtle message that you're sick of late night
chitchat at the expense of your relationship. I wish you the
best of luck in dealing with your overly chatty ILs. And, I
hope that you can get your wife to realize how much this is distressing
you. Maybe if she read your post, she might start to understand.
Again, good luck and best wishes.
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
I'm truly sorry to hear your story. It must be very hard for you to
be constantly living in anticipation that your MIL and SIL would call
with their problems. I have a few suggestions, which you may
or may not have tried already. My apologies in advance if you
tried these and they have not worked. (1) Get out of the
house after work, and don't bring your cell phone with you.
You could go out for a movie, or workout, or for a simple walk in
fresh air. (2) You could actually pick up the calls from
MIL and SIL and tell them you two are about to do something (go out
for a walk or movie or to a friend's house) so your wife will call
back "tomorrow". (3) Never pick the phone up
during the meal, from anyone, not just MIL or SIL. (4)
Take your wife to a surprise weekend getaway (it doesn't have to be
expensive one), and do not bring your cell phone. (5)
If the phone rings at ungodly hours, you can pick the call up, and
if it is MIL or SIL, tell them you were sleeping, and you'd appreciate
in the future if they don't call at these hours. (6) It
may be a good idea for you and your wife to speak to a counselor.
An opinion from a third party can bring a different perspective and
can be helpful.
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
I think it's important to realize that your MIL and SIL are not the
problem at all. As you said, your wife likes it that way.
And, as long as she feels the way she does, you're wasting your breath
when you complain to them. It's understandable that you feel
they are taking advantage of DW, and you feel resentment towards them
for that, but those feelings of resentment probably make DW less inclined
to listen to you objectively. It's great that you're willing
to go to a mediator. With problems like this, you would really
benefit from seeing a family counselor. You sound like a very
caring, attentive DH. So, understandably, it hurts your feelings
when your DW placates you just so you'll "shut up".
If you can't even watch a movie without an interruption, then it definitely
sounds as though there's an issue, and not that you're just being
selfish. Your DW may be codependent and enjoys feeling so needed
by them (and has been in this pattern for years). At the same
time, it seems like you need to pick your battles better. Arguing
with her about helping her mom on Christmas Eve is only going to make
your DW feel that you are unreasonable and selfish. And, she'll
keep that in mind the next time you have a justified complaint.
Was she there the entire day, or just a few hours to help cook?
And, to put things in perspective, since I don't have the full background,
while they talk on the phone every day, does it total up to an hour,
two hours? It doesn't seem unreasonable if she takes an hour
out of her day to talk to her family, if that's what she likes doing.
She may just genuinely enjoy talking to her mom and sister, as friends.
She's with you all day - maybe that's something else to be considered.
You mentioned being unable to watch a movie at night. If she
works with you all day, she may feel that she would like to pursue
her own interests for a while (her relationship with her family).
Not only should you have a family-free day with her, but maybe you
should have her spend one day a week just with her family.
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
WOW! You seem like a tortured soul. It sounds like your
MIL and SIL are dingy like this because they want to control DW.
And DW is facilitating them out of a sense of obligation. Meanwhile,
you look like the jerk, even though you are only trying to preserve
your marriage. I'd really urge you to see a counselor, even
if your wife won't go. It's no longer about compromise with
the number of calls, it's a pattern for all of them. Go, before
you really resent your wife to the point of no return. She feels
trapped too. But, she is trapped between your needs and their
needs. Hopefully, someday she'll remember her own needs - you.
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
I feel sorry for you. My story may help you understand your
DW and IL's behavior a little. I, like your DW, am on the phone
a lot with my family. What I really need is for my husband to
be willing to see a marriage counselor with me. The reason I
spend so much time on the phone with my family is because my DH and
I don't really communicate with each other. The only real adult
conversations I have with people I love are the ones I have with my
family and friends. I can be myself while talking to my family.
I don't have to walk on eggshells like I have to with DH. I
definitely would not be calling anyone in my family if I felt that
I was imposing on them. SO, I don't think your DW resents it.
She may like feeling needed. Maybe she feels you don't need
her that much. You may want to see a marriage counselor to see
what is missing in your relationship with DW (that she constantly
turns to IL's). Your SIL and MIL may have trouble communicating
with each other too. They are living together all the time.
Maybe they get on each other's nerves. They may each worry about
the other one not sticking around for long, and they may want to keep
your wife enlisted as a back-up. These tiresome phone calls
are definitely serving the emotional needs of everyone involved in
a short-term, quick-fix, destructive sort of way. This, obviously,
is something that needs to be addressed through the help of a therapist.
Meanwhile, as far as immediate relief is concerned, I would suggest
getting voice mail through the phone company. Get a separate
phone line for personal calls, turn the ringer off, don't tell them
about it. You won't hear the phone ring, you won't hear a message
being left. You can pick up the phone every couple of hours
to see if it is giving short beeps that indicate that there is a message.
This way they won't know whether you are around or not. DW can
decide if and when to return the calls. In the case of a real
emergency, they should call 911 anyway. There is no need to
have a talk with ILs about it. Once they figure out what the
new plan is, they will simply have to live with it. None of
this will work if DW feels you really resent her mother and sister.
The first thing is to convince her that this is a practical irritation,
and that taking care of it in a practical way will help to improve
your relationship with everyone involved. Good Luck.
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
It sounds like you absolutely need to get yourself and your wife to
a therapist and/or marriage counselor. If your DW refuses to
go with you, by all means, go yourself. Let your wife know that
you'd really appreciate it if she'd go with you when she feels ready.
It sounds like she's had years of her mother and sister working on
her. It's going to take a LOT of work to break her free.
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
I can feel your hurt through your letter. I am so sorry you
had such a lousy Christmas because your DW was inconsiderate of your
feelings. Did she know when she took marriage vows that YOU
came first, not her mom and sister? Could both of you enter
counseling? She might need an outsider to "wake her up"
and help her to understand that, as a married couple, you are a family,
and mom and sister need to get their own life. Hope things get
better. Also, post on the message board - there is a lot of
support there. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Tired Of Constant Phone Calls
You and your wife need to go see a counselor. Don't be surprised
if she resists the idea, though. On some level, she probably
recognizes that the calls are unreasonable, and will not want to be
"blamed" by the counselor. But, you should insist.
Your marriage is only going to continue to suffer if you don't.
You are right that your MIL and SIL will not respect your boundaries.
But, that's because they know your wife won't enforce them.
Once she does, they will play the guilt and pity cards. But,
if she sticks to her guns, eventually they will back off. Let
us know what happens, and good luck.
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