December 1995: My
DH had asked his sister what plans she and her family had for Christmas.
Her face went a pale shade of gray and she said, "We are going
to your house for Christmas lunch!!" At first, we thought
she was joking, but she informed us that she was under the impression
that we already knew about the big family Christmas lunch at our house.
YES, you guessed it, my in-laws arranged for the family to have Christmas
lunch at our house. But, not only did my FIL and MIL organize
our Christmas Day, they had also invited 18 other people to our house.
When did they plan on informing us??? I DON'T KNOW!! MAYBE
ON CHRISTMAS BLOODY MORNING!! WHO KNOWS??? Mind you, at
the time, my hubby and I were struggling financially, and I was 38
weeks pregnant with our first child. So, anyway - my spineless
hubby agreed with this Christmas Day function, and I was assured everything
will be all right. I'm pretty sure, now, that hubby was trying
to keep me calm, due to my pregnant condition. I mentioned it
to MIL, and referred to the day as "The Christmas lunch everyone
else knew about but us". Hubby was good. He did all
the shopping and food preparation. Even though we were on a
very tight budget, he did well. I managed to do some stuff around
the house. MIL assured us that I wouldn't have to lift a finger
on the day. "Sit back and enjoy yourself," she said!
"I will provide the Christmas ham," she said. "Ohh,
whoopee do," I thought with sarcasm. Well, this ham - I
imagined the in-laws would rock on up to our house with a HUGE Christmas
ham. You know the ones - those big, huge glazed hams on the
bone they advertise in catalogues with the crisscross pattern cut
into it, decorated with slices of pineapple and cherries. I
thought they would provide one of those. First, to feed the
18 people that we didn't invite, and second, to sort of compensate
us for the inconvenience. No, on Christmas Day, MIL walked in
holding a pissy little packet of sandwich ham! Not only that,
she made a big deal of it. She told the guests, "Ohh, we
provided the ham. That's the least we could do."
Then, all throughout the day, I was told, "Ohh, leave the dishes.
It's ok. You just take it easy." Blah, blah, blah.
I spent the day watching everyone eat like friggin' pigs at the Christmas
lunch we didn't organize, on the food we couldn't afford, messing
up the house I was too pregnant to clean up afterwards!! HO,
HO, HO, more sarcasm. Well, come the end of the day, MIL told
me that she was too full to help me do the dishes and, "Don't
worry about the house, the mess isn't THAT bad!" And, then,
my MIL dragged her obese, snoring husband onto her broomstick and
they flew away. Oh, oh, before she went, she said to me, "Do
you mind if I take the leftover ham home?" I smiled and
said, "Take it, it's that cheap shit anyway." No wonder
there were leftovers. The next day I saw that my house looked
like a bomb had hit it. I cleaned it all up. It was hot
(I live in Australia). My back ached and my feet were swollen.
In my late stage of pregnancy, I should not have done it. But,
I did. That night, as I rested my tired bones, I felt the first
twinges of labor. My son is now six. This Christmas, my
in-laws can't go anywhere. Why? Well, my MIL's MIL (my
hubby's grandmother) is ill. She's old. Very old.
She's 93. She has a brain tumor, and soils herself a lot.
Hee, hee, hee, *giggles*
Signed - Bah Hum Bug
RESPONSE: Bah Hum Bug
I think that what your MIL did at Christmas was APPALLING!!
Promising to help you clean, but not doing it is so inconsiderate!
Well, as they say, if you can't serve as a good example, you can always
serve as a horrible warning! Thanks for that warning about how
NOT to be as a MIL!
RESPONSE: Bah Hum Bug
I was in shock reading about the SURPRISE Xmas luncheon at your house!!
Talk about gall on the part of your MIL!! I hope you have put
her in her place since then! I would have been totally livid
had that happened to me. And I doubt that I would have been
as tactful as you.
RESPONSE: Bah Hum Bug
Your MIL is a horrible old bag, and your husband should have canceled
that lunch! I'm glad you spoke up to her. But, I have
to say, the last part of your story made me uneasy. Using a
senile lady to laugh at your MIL isn't the worthiest thing I've ever
seen.
Worst gift: More than
a few years ago, when we still saw my in-laws, we exchanged names
because his family is huge. The last year I attended, the person
who drew my name chose not to buy a gift and never bothered to tell
anyone. So I sat and watched everyone else open presents.
The next year I got the "best" present from my MIL.
She asked her oldest daughter (who is jealous of me and truly despises
me) if I should be included in the gift exchange that year.
She said, "no". I found out after another SIL told
my DH about it. I decided that if I was not good enough for
the exchange, I was not good enough to go at all. They still
bring this up in their insane circle, trying to claim I removed myself
from their "loving" family all on my own, and that I was
welcomed to come. YEAH, RIGHT! Just for the record, I
have turned the other cheek more than a dozen times. Each time,
I was slapped, kicked and punched a little harder!!!! This year,
we are going to be IL FREE (from his side anyway)!
Signed - Turned The Other
Cheek More Than A Dozen Times
RESPONSE: Turned The Other Cheek More Than A Dozen Times
Are you not part of the family? They are a bunch of sad people.
At least you had a pleasant holiday. I'm glad you aren't taking
any more abuse. More power to you!
My son just had his second
birthday. We had a party at a rainforest themed restaurant for
our friends and relatives. Granted, my MIL is a passive-aggressive
with a huge chip on her shoulder. I can't believe she acted
like a royal @ss%$# at her ONLY grandson's party! The background
on her is that she has always been a highly difficult person, who
can hold a grudge forever over the smallest infraction. She's
a hot head also, so everyone must walk on eggshells so as not to upset
mother queen. An example: One time her husband barbecued
some hamburgers (since she never cooks) and gave her a cooked one
to eat. She started furiously scraping it with a fork yelling,
"It has black crap all over it!!!!!" So, instead of
getting her @Ss up and getting another one, he ran over and said,
"Here, have mine." She also doesn't clean (husband
does that), but stays in bed till noon. She oil paints, watches
soaps, and fiddles around the house. Yet she complains how EVERYONE
expects way too much from her! We only have to see her a couple
of times a year, and my husband does have a relationship somewhat
with his dad. For the party, my husband's aunt and uncle drove
all the way out to see us. Granted, the uncle has battled cancer
for a long time, but he still made time to come out and see us.
MIL ignored him! My mom, who works a lot of hours (work is something
MIL has been sheltered from all her life), changed her schedule to
come out with my dad. MIL ignored them also. It was supposed
to be a happy time. Well, the ILs did not speak to anyone.
They spoke in whispers back and forth. Every time my dad made
an effort to say something, MIL would look away. Then, when
we all sat down, the ILs ordered vodka mix drinks - AT A 2 YEAR OLD'S
PARTY! As if to say, we all are sooo unbearable that she needs
to drink! Then, for each picture my husband took of everyone
at the table, she never looked up from her plate. When my husband
tried to show her an album I put together of our son's first 2 years,
she waved it away and said, "Oh, I already saw that last year."
No, it wasn't around last year! Our son knows my parents (since
they spend time with him). So, he sat in my mom's lap the whole
time, while MIL nursed her alcoholic beverages. Next, everyone
gave great presents. But, when I opened MIL's, all it was was
a gift book marked half off! $8 bucks! I noticed the only
time she looked over at me was when I opened that gift, and she had
a cruel little smile, like she was waiting for me to react to it.
Plus, they were the only ones not to give DS a birthday card.
When my husband told them about our Xmas train that he has in our
apartment (and mentioned that maybe they would like to see it), she
blurted out, "YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR BROTHER TO STOP HAVING SEX
WITH EVERY GIRL HE MEETS!" Excuse me!!??? What does
that have to do with our Xmas train at home, and WHY is she bringing
that up at our son's birthday party! Gross. When she left
to go outside, my FIL, all of a sudden, started talking to all the
family members whom she ignored. He becomes a more open person
when she is not there. My husband says that we need to be the
bigger people, but this will be the last time they are invited to
our son's party again! I wonder if she has a mental problem
that makes her this way? My mom thinks that she's just a very
mean, self-center person who has been catered to all her life.
What do I tell our son about his weird grandparents!!??
Signed - Weird Grandparents
RESPONSE: Weird Grandparents
If you ever invite the ILs to any family event again, you are crazy.
And, as far as what to tell your son, don't tell him anything until
he's older and asks about it. He has your family for grandparents,
they love him, and that's enough. You should NOT ALLOW your
MIL to treat your son poorly, or ruin any future birthday parties
or holidays for him again!! Who needs her?????
RESPONSE: Weird Grandparents
Don't tell your DS anything about his odd grandparents. Let
him figure it out all by himself. That way they look like the
devils, not you. For your DS's third birthday, you may want
to consider having two or three parties: one with all of DS's
friends, one with family (both sides), and one with just your FIL/MIL.
Don't tell them about the other parties. Let them figure it
out for themselves. If they ask why they were not included in
the other parties, just mention that it did not seem that they liked
the other guests. And, say that you thought they might appreciate
a party designed just for them.
RESPONSE: Weird Grandparents
I feel sorry for your son. He is missing out on what could be
a good relationship with his grandma. She sounds like there
is something wrong with her brain functions. Maybe she has schizophrenia.
Maybe she's just nuts. But, whatever it is, don't invite her
to family functions until her medication is changed. You can
talk to her doctor about her behavior. He just can't respond
to you. Don't get me wrong. I'm not standing up for her
behavior. She's weird. And you and your son deserve better.
RESPONSE: Weird Grandparents
I don't think that you should worry about what to tell your son about
his weird grandparents, unless he asks you about them first.
Then, you could just respond that they do things differently.
That way, you're not sugar coating them (and setting DS up for disappointment)
and you're not badmouthing them. And, as for the present, little
kids don't really care about the monetary value of a gift. I've
purchased gifts for my nieces and nephew that were under $10 and they
loved them. Perhaps the "gift" was meant as a slight
to you. But, then again, maybe it was just a gift she got a
good deal on. And, about alcohol at a young persons party -
if you don't want people drinking, don't hold the event at a place
where alcohol is available. Or, inform the wait staff and management
that you do not want alcohol served (I'm pretty sure that would be
fine if you were paying for everybody, but I don't know how it would
go over if the guests were picking up their own bills). I'm
sorry that your MIL couldn't behave like a normal person and that
she made a special day less special for you.
Worst gift: My MIL always
gives me loveless gifts. She does her duty, and if I don't like
it, it's my problem. So, she discovered that buying a packet
with five tights solved her problem of choosing something for me.
And, she has been giving me 2 packs of these thick winter tights every
Christmas for the last 15 years. She seems very pleased when
I say, "thank you". Then, on my birthday, which happens
to be on New Year's Day, I invited her to have tea and cake.
She responded that she would not come because she could not leave
her daughter's dog alone, as the dog would feel lonely and distressed.
But, she would send her husband with the tights.
Signed - The Dog's Feelings
Are More Important Than Mine
RESPONSE: The Dog's Feelings Are More Important Than
Mine
I thought about this, and I wonder if you actually use the tights?
Perhaps you could interject this with some humor. Every year
that she gives you the tights, make a different craft with them.
Martha Stewart would be proud. You would recycle, and have part
of your shopping done for the following events: Mother's Day,
Easter, Christmas, Groundhog's Day, and a spare for your FIL (if he's
special too). If he plays golf, perhaps a nice set of golf club
covers, and a mug cover for MIL? Are they different colors?
You can make a woven rug and give them back. Re-gifting at its
finest. Best of luck.
My MIL isn't so bad.
She just likes to insult me a lot. I could go on forever.
She says things to me while I just grit my teeth. MIL and SIL
are both "stay at home wives". Every woman should
have the choice. However, if you choose to stay home, don't
b!tch to me about the lack of money. I have been working my
@Ss off since I was 12 years old. And, now, I do all the Martha
duty at home, too! By the way, it's not like SIL needs to stay
home. SIL's kids are late teens. She could go back to
work! The SIL really is unbelievable. We chipped in some
money for a summer rental with the whole fam damily. And, when
it didn't pan out, did we get our money back? Noooo. SIL
spent it on a birthday present for her son. All she said to
the kid was, "And the stereo's pretty much from everybody."
The boy did not even say, "thanks". How's that for
teaching your kids etiquette? Did I mention that he was turning
16? And, so I kissed my $100 good-bye. And, DH had to
buy the kid a CD, on top of it! I refused to chip in.
I found out later that the stereo was less than $100. What did
they do with the $500 plus the money they raked in??? Last year
for Christmas, SIL sent me a lovely, hand-knitted dishrag. This
year, MIL was shilling for us to send SIL some nice stuff. AS
IF. SIL didn't come to our wedding reception because, "the
kids have a soccer game, and we're needed." And, she didn't
even send a wedding present. This is DH's ONLY sibling.
My sibs not only hosted the party, they did all the work and they
brought gifts (some handmade, some bought - all kind and thoughtful).
I don't mean this as gift grubbing, it's just that consistently, even
when DH was laid off from his job, SIL's rude brood have asked for
$150 worth of wish list, whilst sending $9.99 worth of joy back.
Forget about the sun. The world revolves around SIL! My
family treats DH like a god, welcoming him and giving him presents
(and tons of food and love). And, we are NOT rich. SIL's
family has everything - they need nothing - and we are not spring
chickens. We are trying to save up for a home! I no longer
send gifts to SIL's family. That's DH's job. In fact,
I have to put off having my own children so that DH can buy the brats
more logo-wear. Luckily, DH is seeing the light, and he's paring
down the budget for them. They think I am Miss Fancy Pants with
my "edjication" (wow - two whole years of community college,
which I paid for myself!). They also send DH cookies - stale
ones- because THAT woman obviously is too busy with her career to
care for her husband properly! Wake up and smell the coffee,
ladies (MIL and SIL). DH likes the money, and I make better
tasting cookies than you ever could!
Signed - Proud Wage-Earner
This isn't a story about
my MIL. It is about my fiancé and his father. My
fiancé and I live 200 miles apart, and have done so for the
past 6 months. Obviously, this does not make for an ideal relationship.
But, due to our jobs, it will be this way for a while yet. My
problem is that DF is coming to stay with me over Christmas, and we're
spending Christmas Day apart, too. I'll be at my parent's, and
he will be at his mum's. This is gonna be tough enough, but
now he's announced that he will be spending Boxing Day with his father,
who lives about a 50 mile drive from me. I've been invited,
but I don't get on with his father. And, his step-mum won't
even speak to me. So, I obviously don't want to spend any time
with them. I am also expected to drive him, as BF doesn't drive.
Am I being really selfish to want to spend at least some time with
my BF over Christmas? I feel like a hotel and taxi service,
as he will be staying at my house, and I will be driving him home
on the 27th so we can spend New Year's together. I understand
that he wants to see his family over the holidays, but his dad is
only moving here 4 days before Xmas (he lived 5 minutes from my BF
before). He sees his dad a lot, anyway. We only see each
other every 3 or 4 weeks, and I really like to make the most of our
time together. Please reply and tell me if I'm being selfish
or if it's him!
Signed - Xmas Problems!
RESPONSE: Xmas Problems!
You are not responsible for your DF's relationship with his family.
However, you should be supportive. Ask your DF if he can find
another way to get to dad's house, as you will be doing something
else on Boxing Day. If, at the last moment, he cannot find a
way, then take him. Be gracious to the ILs and try very hard
to figure out a way to win them over. Ask DF for ideas on how
you can build a relationship with the ILs. Point out what you
think the problems are, and ask him for ideas. He may not even
know there is a problem. You will also need to figure out who
is visiting whom (and on what day) before you get married so that
everyone feels they are getting equal time during the holidays.
If you and DF don't plan for this NOW, you will only have problems
in your marriage
RESPONSE: Xmas Problems!
He's being selfish. Maybe he has good intentions - helping his
father settle in, doing the family at Xmas thing - but that's not
your problem. Fiancé or not, you are not his taxi service,
and two 100-mile round trips is way out of line! Tell him to
get the bus! And make him learn to drive! Sheesh.
"I don't drive, so YOU'LL have to take me."? I don't
think so. Public transport is there for a reason. He needs
to consider you a tad more, I'd say.
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