I would like comments on
how to handle a tricky predicament. My MIL has a huge involvement
in our lives, and seems to always "help" in ways which constitute
taking over the organizing of all our major life decisions.
This has happened with wedding plans, looking for our first house,
purchasing our first house, renovating, holidays, etc. This
involves huge outlays of her time and energy, such that complaining
from me is construed by the extended family as totally selfish ungratefulness
for "all she has done". Things are done to my house
and decisions made, documents signed, etc., by my MIL without my knowledge.
Also, things I have done myself on the house have been replaced to
suit her taste. I am in a no-win situation, as my husband is
too intimidated to honestly confront his mother about things.
And, the more I complain to him about how I feel, the more I create
unnecessary tension between my husband and myself. I really
need to feel that I am the woman at the focus of my home and marriage,
and she acts like the surrogate wife who wants to suppress my influence.
The times I have confronted her have resulted in me being made to
feel very uncomfortable, and as if I am a wicked wife who is negatively
influencing my husband against his mother. How do I find a comfortable
balance between maintaining my role as wife, distancing my marriage
from my MIL, and retaining harmony? My MIL comes around to our
home on average at least twice per week (usually to "drop something
off" or "pick something up", etc., and rarely with
any warning). My husband is her favorite child, and so it creates
a huge emotional gap for her when he retracts. My husband feels
torn between me and his mother.
Signed - Situation No Win
RESPONSE: Situation No Win
The fact that your DH feels torn between you and his mother is the
key here. He is trying to maintain a marital relationship with
two women at once. I think you need to sit him down and tell
him that there are three people in your marriage, and you will not
continue like this any longer. He needs to make a choice:
To put his wife first, and start acting like a grown-up, married man,
or go back to mommy. You two really need to see a marriage counselor
as well. It's not going to get any better, unless you lay down
the law now. If your DH is unable to cut the apron strings,
then you are better off without him. You don't want this woman
raising any children you might have, while you are relegated to bystander
status. Please confront your DH. Your MIL has no sense
of boundaries or respect for you whatsoever. I blame your DH
for that. Good luck. And if you need to "talk",
come on over to the message board. There are a lot of people
who are more than willing to listen and offer advice! Hope to
see you there!
RESPONSE: Situation No Win
Your husband has to realize that he does not have to choose between
you two, as he has already made his first choice by marrying you.
Remind him of this. Issues relating to his old family are issues
where he can give his mother priority. Issues involving your
family home and your personal issues are his and your priority alone.
Ask him how he would feel if you did to his mother what she is doing
to you (i.e., made changes to her home without her permission, interfered
in her and her husband's life). Would he tell you to butt out
when his mother complained? Of course he would. So, tell
him to tell his mother (lovingly to BUTT out) that what she is doing
is unacceptable! It will be hard, but she is crossing the line
between mother and wife. She needs to have it spelled out to
her that he already has a wife, and that he wants her to make those
changes, decisions, etc., not you Mummy Dearest. Thanks anyway.
RESPONSE: Situation No Win
I feel horrible for the situation you are in. I, personally,
believe that the key to freedom, in any marriage, from MIL "control"
is to get your DH to understand and consider your feelings.
This sends MIL the message that you have a strong bond that cannot
be tampered with or manipulated. You have every right to feel
the way you do, because this is YOUR life. If MIL is signing
documents which effect your life without you knowing it, you should
be mad. You have a right to be heard!!! DH somehow needs
to realize that he must understand your feelings about MIL.
Your feelings are not an attack on her. Your life with DH is
separate from MIL's life. It has to be for you to keep your
sanity! Your opinion should be more important than MIL's in
your marriage! Could you potentially get DH to go to a marriage
counselor with you? He, somehow, needs to see that YOU have
a voice, and to see what his "ignoring your feelings" is
doing to you. My final advice, for what it is worth, is to get
this situation cleared up before you have children, because it has
been my experience that once you have children, the MIL and DIL relationship
gets even weirder. No matter what, stick to your guns.
Be strong, and remember that you aren't being ungrateful for anything.
You have a RIGHT to your feelings, and you have a right to be heard.
RESPONSE: Situation No Win
Next time MIL does something to your house, put it back the way it
was, or correct the situation to your liking. There is NO need
to announce that you don't like something or would rather have it
some other way. Just put it back and say nothing until asked.
When asked, simply say that the previous change did not meet your
needs, and then drop it.
My only advice to those
looking to get married is to make sure your in-laws are dead.
My MIL is uneducated, materialistic, spineless, ignorant and uncultured.
She lives vicariously through her daughter, who is married to a millionaire.
And, fine, I'm saying these things because I'm hurt (but they're true).
She's a generous woman - but that's the only way she knows how to
win approval - by disbursement of money. My DH is great, and
I love him. But, of course, he doesn't "see" everything.
We had both mothers over for Xmas. Right now, my job is, as
I would rate it, above average. But, I want a change.
I'm going back to school to become a nurse. Why is my MIL so
negative? The first time, she didn't say anything, "Nursing?
Oh---." Then, she couldn't say enough times how hard it
was going to be for me, and she just doesn't know how I'll do it.
Yes, well, it may be a little hard, being that I work full-time, unlike
her or her daughter, but it's a good time - there are no children,
yet. I actually couldn't sleep after that evening. Of
course, there were the minor jabs about my weight that drew a little
blood. Why the negativity??? Ugh!
Signed - Grrrrrr
RESPONSE: Grrrrrr
I completely agree with you. But, where were you before I got
married?? Now I am stuck and have to bear the ILs. I hope
all the To-Be DILs hear your advice and look for a guy who does not
have a family.
RESPONSE: Grrrrrr
Unless you are ready to jab back, ignore her.
Worst gift: My MIL is
so cheap. She doesn't even buy gifts! She is financially
better off than we are. However, she refuses to spend money
on anything. Once, many years ago, my DH and I received a surprise
bonus from work. We treated the IL's to a cruise, because they
never had traveled anywhere because they are too cheap. They
brought us back one tee-shirt that was a freebie from the ship.
This past year, we gave them a 75th birthday party (both turned 75
last year) with all of their relatives and friends. She kept
adding more and more people to the guest list, since she didn't pay
for anything. I went through a lot of trouble and expense for
this party, and she didn't even wish my daughter a Happy Chanukah,
which was a few days after the party. It goes without saying
that they didn't even slip her a one dollar bill as a present!!!!!!
When she visits us, she brings "gifts" which are from her
house. Once I received a nightgown that I thought was an old
one of hers, but not worn. I found a used handkerchief in the
pocket! She'll bring my daughter a purse with the tag on it,
as if it were new - but she bought it years and years ago. My
MIL still has her own mother's personal belongings from 25 years ago
when she passed away. She will give us the old dish towels and
sheets. Each time she visits us, we get another dishtowel!
Sometimes, instead of a dishtowel, I'll get a promotional magnet from
a drugstore! These people are retired and have a HUGE house
that is paid for. They live (in another city) in a neighborhood
that is extremely desirable. We would never be able to afford
to live there (in that house). I have made excuses for them
all of my married life about how they are not materialistic, blah,
blah, blah. I am finished spending my money on them!
Signed - Cheap MIL
RESPONSE: Cheap MIL
Are you in the habit of buying gifts simply to receive one back?
Never expect a gift from someone simply because you spend money on
them. If you want to do something nice for a person, then do
something nice. But, you can't expect that same behavior back.
It's unfortunate that your MIL is thoughtless. Don't bother
buying her anything anymore if you expect something in return that
is worthy. It's not going to happen.
RESPONSE: Cheap MIL
I think it is time for you to do some re-gifting. The next time
you get a used or old present from MIL, give it back to her on the
next gift giving occasion. When she asks why you're giving it
back, say that you forgot she was the one that gave it to you, but
you think that the gift would be perfect for her.
Worst gift: This year,
we gave DH's parents: a framed professional picture of our child,
a new crockery teapot and a basket full of tea, honey and candles
- all of them BRAND NEW. DH's parents gift to me: 3 bath
towels and two bath rugs (in colors I don't have in my bathrooms).
Everything smelled as if they had been in their house for a while.
The bath rugs had a scratched out label from a regional department
store that has been out of business for a few years. Granted,
I have distanced myself from these people because they have never
accepted me as DH's wife, but I do practice civility to them, since
they are my child's grandparents, and I don't give them shabby gifts.
Anyway, I am going to sell these things on an online classified ad.
Signed - Just Give Me Your
Hand Me Downs and Clearance Sales Castoffs
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