I was visiting my ILs in
another state over Christmas. My SIL, another DIL, and I were
out with my MIL at a store. MIL got away from us. When
she caught back up with us, she said, "I cannot believe I lost
3 overweight girls in this crowd," (exact words). The other
DIL and I looked at each other and just rolled our eyes. MIL
is a size 8, and always has been, even after having 12 kids.
I am not kidding. Of course, I couldn't say anything in a store,
and I did not want to stoop to her level and be equally rude.
I think I will look her in the eye next time and ask dryly, "What
do you mean by that?" What do you think?
Signed - Tired Of The Cr@p
RESPONSE: Tired Of The Cr@p
A nice response would be, "I may be overweight, but you are ugly
- and I can diet." Just kidding. I would nicely say,
"that was a hurtful thing to say." And then see how
she responds.
RESPONSE: Tired Of The Cr@p
I know exactly how you feel. My MIL inquired of me recently:
"Do you feel unhappy because your body is out of shape at the
moment?" I believe that the personal insults like these
are made because they cannot find anything substantial to criticize.
Also, because their lives are on the descent, while their son's wife
is on the ascent.
RESPONSE: Tired Of The Cr@p
TWELVE kids? I would have laughed and said, "Funny, someone
shouted FOLLOW THAT UTERUS when you took off, but we didn't realize
they were talking about YOU!"
I called my SIL this morning
and I let her have it. I confronted her about every mean and
rude thing she and her mum have done or said to me since I met DH
(five years ago). She seemed so shocked. She kept repeating
to me that they accept me, and they would like to get to know me more
(she always repeats the same words to me). I told her that the
problem is not with acceptance, but with respect. And they both
do not seem to respect me. I told her I am aware of their gossip
and their back-stabbing (which is not very mature and intelligent
of them), and of their criticisms and dings, and of their undermining
me all the time. She started crying in her twisted, manipulative
way. But, at least I feel better. For those DILs who suffer
in silence, let the MILs have it when they cross the line.
Signed - Let The Evil In-Laws
Have It
RESPONSE: Let The Evil In-laws Have It
I'm curious as to why you didn't call your MIL, but you called your
SIL?
RESPONSE: Let The Evil In-laws Have It
Hurray! One for our side. Good for you!
RESPONSE: Let The Evil In-laws Have It
I have been depressed (at one time, even to the point of suicide)
about my relationship with my SIL. She is this lovely, "perfect"
person. But, since nobody else is as together, attractive, and
charming as she is (she really is those things), she is very critical
of others, and is always complaining about picky little things about
them (how many knickknacks they have, what color their house is, etc.
- how is any of that hurting HER?). She seemed angry, critical,
and resentful of me for not being a competent, hands-on, confident
aunt to her children. I do care about her children, but I didn't
live up to the vision she had of me as "super-aunt".
This depressed me deeply for years, to the point that I wasn't able
to enjoy my life at all. I felt such shame, sadness, and guilt,
for being such a failure in her eyes. I was a failure in my
eyes, too. But, somehow, maybe with the coming of the new year,
things lightened up for me! She lives very far away, and for
the first time I began to feel the gift of freedom that gives me (not
to be constantly under her critical eye!). I began to feel that
maybe it's ok to enjoy my life, even though it's not, on the surface,
the big success that hers is (and, even if she wouldn't approve).
It's a blessing that she's so far away. Maybe when I do see
her again (many years from now, I hope), we can make a new start.
We are not outright enemies, and I'd like to keep it that way.
I'm going to make a will (I've drafted it already) that will have
the interests of her children in mind (I have no children).
She's not evil - I've just felt so deeply sad about letting her down.
I think, finally, I'm beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel,
and you folks at this web site have been powerful therapy for me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your responses to my previous
posts about this. I couldn't have been helped more by a $75.00-an-hour
therapist!
RESPONSE: Let The Evil In-laws Have It
I am a placid person, and I have put up with A LOT from my MIL and
SIL over the years. The times I have confronted them (in a meek,
polite manner), I have been shot down and treated as an outsider who
should leave immediately. Funnily, and luckily, my husband sees
that they are being selfish fruit-loops, and, so, he finds ways for
us to carry on happily without them around. I don't have to
do anything. They are "hoist on their own petar"!!
I recently responded to
Do the Right Thing. But, I need some help myself. I am
so glad to have found this site, and know that I am not alone with
my IL problems. Here is my situation. My DH and I have
been together for three years, and married for two. We had a
baby, a sweet little girl, in October. Since the beginning of
our relationship, my MIL has tried to manipulate every situation.
She lays huge guilt trips on DH, and cries when she doesn't get her
way. I might add that they have always tried to run his life,
and he is very passive. That is their doing. He is reluctant
to speak his mind, and feels that if he stands up to them, then they
won't love him anymore. He finally told me, after their last
visit, that he thinks they tried to keep him living at home.
He is 31 and left at 28, right before we met. My DH and I met
close to his hometown, but moved back to mine before we got married.
We are very happy here. We are busy with work. My husband
is in school, and now we have the baby. My MIL would like to
visit whenever she wants, and has no regard for our lives or schedules.
She doesn't work, and doesn't care that we are busy, or might be spending
time together. Our time together has been really limited, due
to the baby. OK, to get to the latest problem. I gave
birth in October, after four months on bed rest. It was stressful,
but luckily I had an easy delivery and a healthy baby. I didn't
want my ILs coming to visit until I had been home about a month.
They reluctantly agreed. The night after my DD was born, I was
still in the hospital, and they called and started laying a guilt
trip on my DH. They said that he was alienating the family,
and wondered how he could act like that to them? He said he
had my, and the baby's, best interest in mind. They don't care
about me one iota. They cried, but luckily he didn't give in.
Well, a month later they came to visit. It was so stressful.
The day they were driving up, we had taken our first outing in four
months, because it was our anniversary, and he didn't want to tell
them. He was afraid they would get mad that he had taken a day
off work and didn't spend it with them. I was upset, to say
the least. Then, when they got here, all my MIL did was make
comments about how my family shouldn't hold the baby, or that she
looks like she has diaper rash (which she didn't), and various things
about my care. She is so jealous of my family, and acts nasty
around them. It was Thanksgiving, and we were all together.
My family loves my DH, but I think she wishes that my family wasn't
close to us. Anyway, while I was getting ready one day, they
took a lot of pictures of the four of them (DH, DD, MIL and FIL),
excluding me. When they finally took a picture of me, my DH,
and DD, it was only one. And, then, she actually said, "Would
you mind taking a picture of the four of us?" I guess my
DH had a hard pregnancy and they wanted him to feel special - ha,
ha. I was really hurt, and told DH. He said, "They
are just pictures." That set me off, and I can't stand
that he won't see how they are. My MIL is a freak, and she acts
weird with him, rubbing his back and offering to share a soda or having
him wait on her. I feel like saying, "why don't you get
your husband to do those things?" I think she is jealous,
because she is not the number one woman in his life. To get
to the problem. MIL started in about how she wanted to come
again for a visit before Christmas - two weeks after they had been
here. I was going to spend Christmas with my sister, who lives
out of the country. MIL got mad, and cried as usual, and FIL
told DH that he would be glad when he started wearing the pants in
the family. My DH and I had already talked about this and decided
they weren't coming then. It was a mutual decision. So,
they are mad, and are coming the second week in January. They
come and stay early morning until night. And, they are horrible
company. They don't carry on conversations, and so we spend
a large portion of the time staring at each other. Also, I have
to listen to her exaggerated southern accent and her fake niceness.
I have tried to be nice, but I can't take it anymore. My family
keeps saying that I should be nice for DH's sake, but do I have to
put up with this for the rest of my life? Also, they sent my
daughter's Christmas gifts, which consisted of a little book, free
bear and two bibs (I love Daddy and I love Grandpa). You would
think that they would walk to the ends of the earth for her, but when
it comes to money, forget it. They have plenty, but cry poor
mouth all the time. I realize this is long and probably confusing,
but I am stressed and need advice. Thanks, and everyone have
a Happy New Year (MIL free).
Signed - Do I Have To Put
Up With This
Finally, a New Year!
I recently learned an important new term for us all: "JOCASTA
COMPLEX". It means the unnatural attraction of a mother
towards her son. It is the reverse of OEDIPUS COMPLEX, which
is the unnatural attraction of a son towards his mother. It
is a very useful piece of information. I knew there was a name
for what we are all experiencing! One of my New Year's resolutions
is to learn all I can about it. A toast to all of you for getting
through the year without hanging yourselves!
Signed - Mamas Boy Magnet
RESPONSE: Mamas Boy Magnet
Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!! Do keep us posted
about your findings on this subject. Your post is hilarious.
RESPONSE: Mamas Boy Magnet
Just remember how strong a man's sex drive is - one of the things
which ensures his lover will always come before his mother!
Where to begin? I
guess I'll just give some background. My MIL and my SIL have
this "secret club" type of thing going on. I KNOW
it sounds stupid and insane, but it's true! I think they are
trying to drive me crazy at times, and it is working. They are
forever making plans that involve my family, but they don't tell my
husband and me that they have made them. For example:
They plan various parties in OUR home (have the complete plans done)
- then call to tell us what they are "thinking about doing".
We've been caught in this one several times (I know you'd think it
would just take one time to catch on). We'll say "OK, that
sounds good" (they give a general description) and in the blink
of an eye, they are here moving in the party goods, cooking the food,
sending out invitations with their names on them, etc. I am
completely left out of any plans or preparations. Basically,
my house is a rental hall, minus the rental fee. However, not
only is my house a rental hall, we are also a public parking lot.
Whenever my MIL or SIL need to meet somewhere, they leave their cars
parked at our house. I guess it wouldn't be a big deal if someone
ASKED US if it were OK, but no one does. We're thinking of either
having parking meters installed, or making it a tow away zone.
My MIL will periodically offer to baby-sit for our children.
She is basically a caretaker to my SIL's children. My SIL works
full time, and when she isn't working, her children are still with
my MIL (or they are all together). SO, it is very overwhelming
for my MIL to watch SIL's kids and our kids at the same time (and
we feel it's too much for her). My husband and I have told MIL
this, and she totally disagrees with us. SO, enter the old "secret
plan" thing. Sometimes, after she has agreed to watch our
kids on a specific date, she just shows up with SIL's kids claiming,
"SIL just had to run to the store for a minute." And,
then, she has them for the duration of the day. Or, she'll just
not tell us that she is watching both groups of kids until that day
- when it would be too late for us to find an alternate baby-sitter.
And, that is the problem. She can't STAND to have anyone else
but her baby-sit her grandchildren!!! And, then, to "make
things better", my MIL and SIL work out this "secret switch"
thing, where my MIL will start baby-sitting at one house, and then
halfway through baby-sitting, she will bring the kids to a different
house, etc. It's REALLY whacky!!! I know what you're thinking
- why the heck do we let her baby-sit them when she pulls this?
Well, usually, like I said, we don't know the "secret plan"
ahead of time. OK, enough about the "secret club"
thing. If you got this far, thanks for reading!!!!!
Signed - Smother's DIL
I think my relationship
with my MIL is complicated by the fact that she's not an evil person.
She may be misguided, overbearing, insecure and just plain *strange*,
but she also tries to be warm, kindhearted, and likable. She
has outdated, sexist ideas of women's roles that act as a focus for
our antagonism, but certainly isn't the cause. When we stay
with her for a visit (at most one week), she seems to feel as though
she mustn't allow me to continue my lazy, un-wifely habits - at least
in her home I should act like a lady. I don't mind helping out.
I'm not a burden, but I refuse to be treated in a sexist fashion just
because she doesn't think DH should do anything. He completely
supports me, and she's not downright rude, just pushy. It makes
me distance myself from her. She must wonder why her son would
marry someone with such different ideas of family/culture/discipline
than the way he was raised. I read a post from an MIL on this
site. She seemed very, very hurt by her DIL's perceived emotional
distance in not celebrating family birthdays, or inviting her over
for dinner. It suddenly struck me that in my own situation,
I think my MIL wanted a close, mother-daughter relationship and is
frustrated/hurt by my reserve. I don't call her "mom".
I don't think of her that way. I have a close, wonderful relationship
with my own mom, and don't want/need another. It's confusing,
because while I see her trying to give me advice and recipes (why
is cooking such an issue to many MILs?) in an effort to get us closer,
she's never tried to talk to me about ME. Whereas I have asked
her about her life, and listened to the entire sordid story of her
divorce and mistreatment by DH's biological father. Now, even
a simple conversation between us is strained and uncomfortable.
She is genuinely hurt that I didn't make her sweet potato casserole
for Christmas. DH says I could have been kinder. He feels
that I should have told her that I do like her casserole and planned
to make it, but ended up making something else instead. She
just wanted to call and say "Happy New Year". But,
I feel so uncomfortable lying just because she's irrationally insecure.
Another example: She brings snacks when we go out for the day
(when we visit) and is offended if I don't eat it. She will
offer me the same candy bar 3 times in 10 minutes, looking reproachful
every time I refuse. Is it that inconceivable that I eat healthy?
She does this with cake, candy, soda. She seems to think that
I do it just to spite her. DH just takes the food and throws
it away. Perhaps being a good hostess is a strong part of her
identity/self-esteem, but it just seems rude to me to ignore her guest's
wishes. Maybe there's a bit of spite on my part mixed in as
well. I don't like being pushed. I expect to be treated
like an adult who knows when they want to eat, and I don't need her
telling me how to cook. Neither I nor DH likes her cooking.
It seems as if she's searching for something to be superior in, and
I don't want to play those games. Am I too harsh? I know
she has major insecurity issues to care so much about her cooking/food,
and I know I make her feel even more insecure by not being that fantasy
DIL she wanted. I think she wanted a completely one-sided relationship,
where she would share her wisdom, her recipes, and overall make herself
feel better to a naive, untutored, unformed little girl - but without
bothering to actually get to KNOW the *woman* her son married.
She has two sons, but no daughter. She's not evil, just pushy,
and reproachful. What can I do to come to an agreement with
her? I genuinely regret that she's unhappy. I've been
married for 5 years and it's only gotten more strained. She
is happy that DH is happily married with a child, but she seems to
feel left out and even threatened. There must be some way I
can be kind to her, without acting inferior to make her feel better.
Or, is that what MIL wants? Someone who strokes their ego so
that they can feel superior? Is that their idea of a close relationship,
a "good" DIL? I love and respect her, because she's
the mother of my DH. I know she's a good person, although I
don't really like her. I can't seem to like someone who's so
insecure, at her age. Should I make more of an effort to find
something to like? Or, should I at least lie and pretend to
like her? Really, I want her to treat me the same way my FIL
treats me, and the way my parents treat DH - warm, polite, distant.
And, with respect. Am I being completely unrealistic?
Signed - Stubborn, Yet
Trying To Be Kind
RESPONSE: Stubborn, Yet Trying To Be Kind
Maybe she was one of these mother's who shows love by giving food.
I can relate with this personally, as I found I was doing the same
as a parent and spouse myself, strange as it may sound. I'm
not good at showing feelings. But, I would cook for my family
and friends, and feel good about myself if my efforts were praised
and eaten up. Clearly, there were some major self-esteem problems,
which I have dealt with (but, maybe your MIL has not). So, when
she offers you a candy bar, it might be that she's really making a
gesture, offering you a "piece of love", hence her reaction
when you refuse it. In her mind, you're not rejecting the candy,
you're rejecting her. I know this sounds silly (it is silly),
but I think, maybe, that's how she is. In a twisted way, it
shows that she accepts you with your DH as a couple. If she
didn't like you, her "love/candy" would be offered to DH
only. Same with all the "recipe" advice, etc.
Maybe it's the only way she knows to show affection? I hope
that helps a little.
RESPONSE: Stubborn, Yet Trying To Be Kind
I know what you are talking about. I have been in almost the
same situation. My MIL's whole identity is wrapped around how
people perceive her as a hostess/cook. You can't be her therapist.
Pretending will just reinforce her negative behavior. Making
her see what is wrong won't work either, because this is serving some
real function in her life. Unless you have a magic wand to prop
up her self-esteem, taking away the crutches of this type of behavior
won't help. Do carry on being yourself. Don't worry about
how she feels about it. Someone close to her should suggest
therapy to her.
RESPONSE: Stubborn, Yet Trying To Be Kind
Your MIL sounds a little like mine, and your feelings about how you'd
like to be treated are EXACTLY the way I'd like to be treated.
You did a great job of putting it into words. I sympathize with
your MIL's insecurity, because I'm insecure too, and I don't know
if I'll ever overcome that (but, also, I'm not ever planning to be
a MIL!). To tell you the truth, I wish my MIL were a little
MORE insecure (she seems so in love with herself sometimes!).
But, like your MIL, mine is not a bad person. For instance,
I was overwhelmed by the sheer kindness and generosity of her Christmas
gifts to me. I really loved them. And, an evil MIL would
not give such thoughtful gifts! It sounds like you're doing
a good job. It WOULD be frustrating to have an overbearing MIL
(as mine has also been at times, in similar ways to what you describe)
trying to change and mold you. It IS annoying for her to keep
pushing a candy bar at you. You mean to be kind, but her subtle
disrespect of you, and insensitivity toward you, makes you balk (I
understand!). Here are some thoughts based on my own situation:
Humor her sometimes by eating what she offers you, etc. I believe
that's a point of etiquette, to always be polite and grateful about
food offered to you when you're a guest (I learned this fairly recently,
noticing that all my well-mannered friends are this way!). But,
distance yourself from her as much as possible. Be polite and
kind (you're on the right track!), but distant. Let your DH
be the one to answer the phone when she calls, and let him visit her
alone, etc. See her as little as possible. Save your energy.
And, then, when you DO see her, you might really enjoy her and have
fun. The more I've distanced myself from my MIL, the kinder
and less intrusive she's been to me. I don't have ONE complaint
about Christmas with my in-laws - it was lovely. But I do have
a past history with my MIL very much like yours. And, it really
seems that distancing myself as much as possible (again, being friendly
and kind when I do see her!) has improved the relationship tremendously.
I also, sadly, feel the way you described (you're very articulate
and honest). I care about her. I guess, in that way, I
also love her. But, it's hard for me to like or trust her, deep
down. It saddens me, because I don't want to be hardhearted
towards her. Does your husband essentially approve of the way
you are and support you? I felt kind of sad when I read your
description of his comments to you. They might be good advice
if he is essentially "in your corner", but it's tough if
he seems totally sympathetic to her, and not to you. My DH always
adored his mother, and I listen to his advice regarding her.
It's always good. But, he also understands perfectly how some
of her behavior is trying and disrespectful to me - and he sympathizes.
I think your husband's advice was good if he's "on your side".
The things he mentioned would have been good advice for me, at least
in dealing with my MIL. I do want to be kind, and not hurt her
feelings in little superficial ways. In deeper ways, I don't
let her push me around, though. Maybe if it's just a little
thing, you could humor her. But, if she tries to run your life
big-time, you could kind of slip out from under her grasp. I've
been a bit irritated when I visit my in-laws (you can probably relate
to this!). I only see them a few times a year (maybe six or
seven, not even once a month!), and my DH is at their house every
week. But, on those rare events that I do visit them, she treats
my DH like a king. She asks him if he wants ME to wait on him,
get him this or that, etc. He says it's because those are the
sex roles she's accustomed to - her generation. But, I can't
imagine my own mother asking my SIL to wait on my brother when they're
visiting! It's a small thing, but you know what I mean.
But, I try to be a good sport about it. I do want to be kind,
and I think she appreciates kindness. But, I do like her a lot
more from a distance, since our get-togethers are rare! We cut
out a New Years get-together. Thanksgiving and Christmas are
good, but New Year's is one too many! You sound like you and
your husband have been together about as long as we have, so we're
at similar stages. I think we're some of the lucky ones.
Our MILs at least try to be decent. And, we want to try, too,
without being dominated and manipulated. I think it would be
heartbreaking for a MIL to feel disliked by her DIL if she was really
trying to be a good person, and doing her best. It is so depressing
to imagine being in that position. Your MIL is lucky to have
a DIL like you - one who wants to treat her decently. It sounds
like there's a lot of good there, and it will only get better.
More power to you, and thanks for your post. Sorry this was
so long-winded, but I was especially moved by and appreciative of
what you wrote and I can relate, I guess. Best wishes!
RESPONSE: Stubborn, Yet Trying To Be Kind
To be honest, you sound a little mean. I can understand that
she might get on your nerves, but what's the harm in taking a candy
bar and putting it in your purse? She sounds lonely, and you
sound like you understand this about her. You say she's insecure,
and, if that's true, that your treatment of her doesn't help that.
I'm not saying that you should do everything she wants you to, but
some of the more minor things wouldn't kill you. Maybe if you
lighten up, she will too.
RESPONSE: Stubborn, Yet Trying To Be Kind
Wow! I am shocked. It is like you were writing about me
and my relationship with my DH's aunt. My MIL died long before
I met my DH, and his aunt took over as MIL. Auntie is nice,
well meaning, and loving. However, she takes it overboard.
At Christmas, she kept putting fattening food on my plate and kept
turning up the heat to make sure we were warm enough. I no longer
eat fatty foods, and we're visiting her in southern California.
We were never cold - we were constantly hot. She never did understand
that. After Christmas dinner, I offered to clean up, and she
acted offended. I was trying to be nice. She is always
trying to be the perfect hostess, but she doesn't know when she has
gone too far. Thank God that we don't see her all that often.
Worst gift: When I was
11 years old, my aunt (by marriage only!) gave me 3 pairs of USED
socks! They even had pills all over them! Ughh!
I'm now 25, and she still continues to give me (and my unsuspecting
husband) used gifts on a regular basis!
Signed - Used Gifts On
A Regular Basis
RESPONSE: Used Gifts On A Regular Basis
When I was a child, my mother would buy my cousins on my father's
side really nice, thoughtful Christmas gifts. She put a lot
of time and effort into it, even though my parents were on a very
limited budget. Now that I think of it, I don't remember my
parents exchanging gifts on Christmas morning - I don't think they
could afford it after giving us kids truly wonderful Christmases.
Anyway, my aunt (my father's sister) and her husband lived in a beautiful
home, and had all the niceties in life. Every year, my aunt
would give us kids cr@p, while my parents gave her kids nice gifts
(like toys, games, clothes, whatever was age appropriate that year).
My aunt gave me a used pair of socks right out of my cousin's drawer.
And, my brothers would get inexpensive, small toys (not even the brand
name toys - they would get the smaller, cheaper imitation items that
were 29 cents a piece). These were toys for birthday party loot
bags! To this day, my aunt is so cheap. She is divorced
and remarried, and lives in a beautiful ocean front town. She
gives her own grandchildren cr@p from the dollar stores for gifts.
She doesn't even bother sending her grandchildren (from out of state)
anything for their birthdays or Christmas. When I had my daughter,
she sent me two outfits she got at the dollar store. I think
they might have been doll clothes. However, the woman dresses
to the nines in designer clothes and gets nothing but the best for
herself. And, she wonders why on every holiday her kids want
no part of her.
RESPONSE: Used Gifts On A Regular Basis
I cringe to write this, but I grew up in a family that regularly gave
used gifts at holidays. I honestly didn't know that wasn't OK
until, thank God, my husband set me straight! I don't mind getting
used gifts (from loving, well-meaning people), but, I'm so glad someone
clued me in that the NORMAL thing is to give NEW gifts. I guess
I must have been born in a barn, huh?
My MIL can be very inconsiderate
sometimes. I just found out that I was pregnant. My husband
wanted to tell the family before the first trimester was up, and I
wanted to wait a while. I called my mother, and then we called
my MIL. She was very happy. She's been wanting a grandchild
so badly. It's all she ever talked about. My mother is
very modest, and kept it within the family. My MIL proceeded
to call within a three state area and tell everyone. The next
day, she called and asked me if it was all right to tell my DH's ex-live-in-lover
(use to be engaged to, FMIL totally adores her). I told her
that I wasn't ready to tell others about it yet. What a b!tch.
She always does that to me. Every time I have a significant
time in my life, she brings up the ex's name. My MIL always
spoils everything by talking about her. That weekend, we stayed
with my FMIL, and the pregnancy was all she could talk about.
I was not feeling well, and I was not ready to deal with pregnancy
questions, and that is all she could talk about. She even asked
me, in front of everyone, if I was going to breast feed. I felt
two inches tall and buck naked standing in the living room.
I don't think it's any of her damn business. That is a personal,
private issue between a mother and her baby. She proceeded to
tell me that I needed to pick out the baby's room and plan to decorate
it. She gave me ideas on what to do. That's my business.
It's my baby, and she is spoiling everything by being so controlling
and obsessive. She even said that she wishes that it could just
pop out now so she wouldn't have to wait. I've got news for
her - it's not just going to pop out. She doesn't understand.
Both of her sons were adopted, and she only experienced the fun part
with receiving the baby. She didn't have to go through the experience
of actually carrying a child for 9 months. Now, she's giving
me advice about morning sickness, and the b!tch has never had it before.
My MIL drives me up the wall. I don't need this stress while
I'm pregnant. Thank God I live in another city, 3 hours away.
I only pray that she doesn't come to stay with us when the baby is
born.
Signed - Fed Up w/ MIL
RESPONSE: Fed Up w/ MIL
I don't have kids yet. But, I am afraid that when I do, my situation
will be like yours (only that my MIL lives 20 minutes away)!
Agh!! She still keeps in touch with DH's ex-girlfriend, and
is the Godmother of her daughter. Mind you, at times they all
have called this girl a psychopath for the things she did to DH during
their relationship and break up. But, according to MIL, she
is a different person. Just remember that this is your child
to raise, not hers. When she tells you about morning sickness,
ask her how she knows the feeling of it. I know it's hard to
remember, but she is an excited MIL. Just don't let her excitement
spin out of control and ruin this experience for you and DH.
Best of luck, and congratulations!!
RESPONSE: Fed Up w/ MIL
Well, well, it looks like MIL likes asking stupid questions.
In answer to notifying the ex-lover, I'd have said, "Well, sure,
tell her. In fact, give me her number and I'll call her myself.
And, as for the breast feeding, I, too, have heard stupid questions
come out of my MIL, and they were answered with a simple yes or no.
Look straight at her and answer the question. Let her be the
ignorant one. Or, you have the catty way and tell her, "Yes,
could you help me pick out a breast pump?" That would also
clarify matters, but in a more abrupt way. I, too, will be adopting.
Please God, let me be a little more considerate with my DIL.
And, just in case you were wondering, his family thinks my hubby should
get a surrogate, or I should borrow an egg. For health reasons,
I simply cannot carry a child to term. This mystifies them.
Good luck!
Within five minutes of
meeting me, my MIL insulted me to my wife (we had just become engaged).
She stated that she would never have dated a man who looked like me.
I let it pass. I had been warned. I assumed that my wife
was just embellishing the rudeness of her mother. I was wrong.
This woman travels through life going out of her way to insult EVERYONE.
She never has anything good to say about any person. Family
members are nothing more than targets to her. She complains
to each of the three kids about the other two. Every time we
have visited her, my wife's personality has changed. She becomes
really uptight, upset, and very short tempered. But, it has
always faded away about 3-4 days after the visit ends. This
Christmas, we couldn't go visit like the other family members did,
because I was on call at work and had to stay in town. SO, I
agreed with my wife that she could come here for a visit after Christmas.
I am an idiot. She showed up two days after Christmas.
My wife was stressed out before she even got here. I ignored
every snide comment she made to me. I knew that while I was
at work (I worked over the holidays), she was inundating my wife with
insults and attacks on my character. My wife confirmed this
for the first few days. She was making suggestions that I might
not really be at work, but was spending time with "someone else".
I can only imagine what those long days spent with my MIL were like.
BUT, I assumed my wife would just ignore them, or perhaps offer some
sort of defense of me. She got irritated more quickly.
We had an argument on the 3rd day of her mother's visit, because I
went out to the video store and this made me late to dinner.
She indicated that her mother had seized upon this opportunity, just
as she had done with every other thing she could to berate me.
I told my wife to stop listening to a bitter, hateful, old crazy woman.
I used slightly more colorful language than that. She hardly
spoke to me for the next few days. And, last night, she told
me that she doesn't know if she wants to be married any longer.
Now, I know that our marriage has had it's ups and downs, but less
than two weeks ago my wife was laying back in my arms on the couch,
telling me her life had never been so rich. 6 days. It
took just six days of my MIL visiting, and that is changed.
I don't know how long, or even IF I will be able to undo the damage
this woman has done. I feel disposable. I am completely
astounded.
Signed - Out In The Cold
RESPONSE: Out In The Cold
Grab your wife and get counseling. Also, how is your DW's relationship
with your mom? After all, if DW has a MIL as well, then you
may need to take an honest look at your mom.
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