Worst gift: Like all
of you, I have a MIL who's a royal pain in the butt. Her gifts
are so bad that it turned into an inside joke for me to see what the
next gift will be. Her gifts are never from the heart.
For Xmas every year she gives money, which is fine. For the
first Xmas married to her son, we were given $10.00 each. The
next it went to $15 each. And, it stayed there for a while.
Then, it might have gone to $40. The most she's ever given us
was $50. That was last year for Xmas. I asked my husband
if the increase is like a raise for making it another year.
Now, this Xmas, we have a beautiful child (8 months old) - her only
grandchild (my MIL is 86 years old, and in pretty damn good health).
My DH and I received a card for the baby (she actually broke down
and bought a first Christmas card and didn't use a card that charities
send you in the mail). In the first Christmas card (it was addressed
to all three of us) was $50 for both my DH and myself, and, WOW -
$100 for the baby. Now, at the christening, she gave $50.00.
When the baby was born, she wasn't feeling well. By the third
day, my husband demanded she come see the child. By the way,
she is very wealthy. What I hate most about her is that she
is greedy and very selfish, not a warm hearted woman at all.
Her son, being the only child, she still hasn't realized he's an adult.
She treats me as an outsider. And, as for the baby, it's a baby
- not her grandchild. She never offers to help in any way (such
as to watch the baby so I can get housework done). Put it this
way, she never asks to see the baby or asks her son to pick her up
so she can spend time with her. I hated her from day one, and
I still feel the same way.
Signed - She Turns My Stomach
RESPONSE: She Turns My Stomach
Last year, my MIL gave me athletic socks. I guess I didn't appreciate
them enough. This year, I didn't get anything.
RESPONSE: She Turns My Stomach
I agree with you that your MIL doesn't try very hard. To just
give a small amount of cash every year like she does shows she doesn't
want to put out much effort at all. However, you will probably
hear from people out there who say you should be totally grateful
for that amount of money and not complain. But, I get your point
- especially because your MIL is wealthy and could easily spend more.
My own mother uses her money to try and control people. She
says that she will leave her money to those who take care of her and
are nice to her in her old age. While I can understand how you
don't want to leave money to someone who is mean to you, I don't think
money should be used to control your family members like that.
It just causes problems. Anyway, count your blessings that your
MIL is 86 years old - she can't live forever!!! My own dreadful
MIL is "only" 68, and I am counting down the years (and
they are going by SO SLOWLY). The old biddy is in good health,
too. The sad part is that I realize that she could live another
20 years or more. But, then, I'll also be another 20 HAGGARD
years older!! Don't count on your MIL to help out with your
baby. I know it is disappointing, because you would think that
if she is healthy, and it is her only grandchild, she would take more
of an interest. However, even my OWN mother has NEVER, NOT ONCE,
offered to watch any of my kids to give me a break. Even when
I asked her to watch one or two of my kids so that I could go somewhere
necessary (a doctor's appointment, speech therapy for one child, etc.)
my mom was not happy, and felt "used". She never saw
having "alone" time with any of my kids as a wonderful opportunity
to spend time with them and bond. Some people just don't want
to do much of ANYTHING for anyone else. And, then they wonder
why people aren't so nice to them!!! It is easier said than
done. But, count your blessings, and just don't expect ANYTHING
from your MIL. Hopefully, your husband will inherit everything.
So, you will end up getting a big payback for being shorted on the
gifts throughout the years. I hope your husband is supportive
of you towards his mother. HANG IN THERE!
RESPONSE: She Turns My Stomach
Even though your MIL doesn't give you much money, that isn't her responsibility
(even if she is wealthy). As for watching your baby, please
keep in mind her age. Older folks tend to not have the energy
to keep up with young children, much less babies. Keep an open
mind.
RESPONSE: She Turns My Stomach
Some of us have the opposite problem - a MIL who practically tries
to wrestle the baby away from us. And, we only wish our MILs
would give us, and our baby, some space! What do you wish your
MIL would do? What kind of gifts do you wish she'd give you?
How do you wish she'd treat you? I'm sure I didn't get the whole
story from your post - and she wrongs you in ways you didn't mention.
Otherwise, you wouldn't hate her so much.
RESPONSE: She Turns My Stomach
You sound privileged money-wise. $50 sounds pretty good to me,
whether she's wealthy or not. Why should she give you her money?
How can this possibly be a worst gift? Are you saying that you'd
rather have a personal gift, or that the amount of cash is simply
not enough for you? Sorry, but "grasping" is how you
came across with that one.
RESPONSE: She Turns My Stomach
Mostly I am a lurker here on this site. I have responded to
a few problems/complaints when I felt that I could give sound advice
that may help. I have never told a poster that I felt they were
wrong, because, for the most part, I feel that the posters on this
site are justified in their anger. However, after reading your
post three times, I still can not see what your MIL did wrong.
You started by saying that instead of buying you presents at XMAS,
she gives $. Maybe she does not know what to buy you, or maybe
she fears that you will not like what she gets you. Also, you
complained about the amount, griping because it was only 10 to 15
dollars. And then you got $50 one year, but that's not enough,
apparently, because according to you, she is wealthy and can afford
much more. Well, in my opinion, unless you have access to her
bank account or know some inside financial information, you have no
guarantee of her wealth. My husband and I have 2 nice cars,
a beautiful home, and nice belongings. To anyone who does not
know us personally, we probably look wealthy. When, in all reality,
we aren't. We work hard and make sacrifices to have these things.
But, from the outside looking in, it appears that we are loaded.
Also, you stated that she is 86 years old and she has never offered
to watch your child, who is not one year yet. Okay, lets be
realistic. I have a 5 month old who is a handful. And,
at the age of 25, I have a hard time keeping up. And, you want
an 86 year old woman to watch her?!!! She probably can't keep
up. And, as you say, she is in good health. However, she
is still 86 - she is no spring chicken. Also, as a note of helpfulness,
schedule your housework. Do one thing a day. That's what
I do, and all the housework gets done. And you are upset because
she gave your child $100 for XMAS, and you and your DH got $50.
Added up, that is $150 - a good bit of money. What's the problem???
And, finally, after your child was born, she did not visit because,
according to you, she did not feel well. I would be thankful
for that. I mean, would you rather her visit and possibly get
your newborn sick???? I did not mean to blast you or make you
angry, but I had to speak up. Good Luck!
Worst gift: DH and I
had Christmas with the ILs this past weekend. MIL had asked
us what we wanted for Christmas this year. DH told her, very
matter of factly, that we didn't really need anything except a dining
room table, and that we would appreciate monetary gifts towards that.
We have been eating in front of the TV at the coffee table, while
sitting on the floor, for 5 years. We were really looking forward
to getting a dining room table. She said ok, and that she would
pass the word around to other relatives (BIL/SIL/GMIL). We weren't
expecting ANY gifts at all, and DH even said to MIL, the day before,
that it was going to be a lot of "envelope swapping" this
year, because we had gotten everyone gift certificates. When
we arrived at the house, we noticed a very large box with our name
on it, along with many other small boxes. We were confused as
to what was going on until we opened the gifts. BIL/SIL and
GMIL had given us $$ (not enough for a table, barely enough for 1
chair). But, MIL didn't give us anything but gifts! Now,
don't get me wrong, I am not an ungrateful b!tch. But, one of
these gifts was TV TRAYS!!!!! She had even bought us a gas grill
(that's what was in the big box). And, like I said, I am NOT
ungrateful. I appreciate the gas grill very much, but the point
is: She made such a big deal out of asking us what we wanted,
and we never told her we wanted a gas grill. We were very adamant
about the fact that we didn't want presents and that it was more important
to us to get a dining room table! I felt as if the TV trays
were a slap in the face, like she was saying, "I'm not helping
you get a dining room table. You can eat off these cr@ppy things!"
DH told me that she probably bought the grill before she asked us
what we wanted (trying to make it look like what she did wasn't wrong).
And, my opinion on that is: 1) Then why the he!! did she
even BOTHER asking us what we wanted and get our hopes up. 2)
When she found out what we really wanted, why the he!! didn't she
take the damn thing back and give us the $$ instead?! Am I overreacting
here, or does anyone else think this was a malicious thing to do (getting
us TV trays instead of $$ for a dining room set)? We can't even
use the gas grill for another 6 months or so, when the weather warms
up!!!!
Signed - No Place To Eat
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
Time to play bad guy. It used to be bad manners to ask or receive
money as a formal gift. I know you keep saying that you don't
want to sound unappreciative, however, you do. If you don't
like the trays, then sell or donate them. If you don't like
the grill, sell that. That should bring in the money to buy
an OK table. I don't know what your cash situation is like,
but have you checked moving sales? I bet you could find a nice
set for great price.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
I think that asking for money is quite tacky. You should be
grateful you got anything at all. I have found that people rarely
get you what you ask for anyway. Somehow they think a "surprise"
is better. Return the grill yourself and keep the money.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
I bet she was asking for the rest of the family, and she probably
had already bought the grill. She was thinking ahead that you
might enjoy it in the warm weather. She probably got the trays
so you wouldn't wreck your table until you got a dining room table.
Dining room tables are expensive. Did you honestly think people
would cough up that amount of money? I think it was a nice gesture.
People get what they want to give. 90% of the time, I have not
received what I have asked for. People just don't think.
The grill was a nice gift. I hardly think it was malicious.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
I think that if your MIL tends to be a malicious person, it is a malicious
gift. But, if she isn't, it could be more on the thoughtless
(but not mean) side. It's just a lesson to me to get people
exactly what they ask for.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
Is it only this incident that is bothering you? I don't think
so. Think about what is really bothering you. Maybe it
has something to do with MIL, maybe not. Do address whatever
that issue is. As far as MIL's gift is concerned, no one really
owes you a gift. Try to enjoy what she gave you without any
negativity attached to it. Or, ask her for the receipts, and
cash the gifts to invest towards what you really need. Do thank
her for the gifts, and then leave it at that.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
I have a wonderful idea. Go to the store, buy some nice big
juicy steaks, and have fun with the grill! You can buy a nice
kitchen table for 100 bucks at a discount department store.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
Is there a way you can take the gas grill back and get money instead?
Just wondering.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
I don't know your MIL, so I don't know if getting you the TV trays
was malicious or not. She may have been trying to help you solve
your problem temporarily, until you can afford the table. As
for the gas grill, it is a very generous gift. When she asked
you what you wanted, she may have been asking on behalf of the other
members of the family, and had already purchased the gift. I
don't think it's fair to expect her to return it, especially since
it is something she obviously put thought into. I think you
may be overreacting a little bit, but I totally understand it.
I've done it myself. These MILs are a constant source of discontent.
So, even when they mean no malice, or actually do something right
for a change, it's hard not to look at their motives with suspicion.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
HEY, it seems your MIL is a b!tch with a good sense of humor.
If you look at it twice, and very carefully, you will see (I hope)
that it's all very funny. It actually ridicules her. There
is an ancient Hebrew saying that I will try to translate to English:
"He who hates gifts shall be granted long life." If
you really must do something, you can call her and THANK HER for the
lovely TV trays THAT REALLY SOLVE YOUR NEED FOR A DINING TABLE.
Do it in a frank and earnest voice.
RESPONSE: No Place To Eat
I'm sorry, but if this is the only thing she has done, then yes, I
think you are overreacting. I don't see it as malicious, but
maybe I'm missing something. Why don't you and DH return the
gifts for the money towards a table? The grill is still in the
box, right? It seems that the store would take it back.
I am sorry, though, that you are upset. I hope this year goes
better for you.
Worst gift: This Christmas,
my MIL was "blessed" to have all three of her children,
their spouses, and their children in her house for the first time
in 10 years. Her son and DIL haven't talked in nine years, and
there have been some pretty vicious accusations and stories in their
past. SOMEHOW (my DH and I are still scratching our heads on
this one) everyone has buried that hatchet without ever bringing up
the fact that NINE years had passed, and everyone is getting along
like nothing had ever happened. On Christmas, my ILs were insistent
that their DIL open their gift to her first. They were laughing
and giggling, anticipating the moment she revealed her gift.
Well, the poor girl opened it and I SWEAR that it looked like a small
TOMBSTONE! I gasped and threw my hand over my mouth. And
I even said out loud, "OH MY GOD. IS THAT A TOMBSTONE??
You could see the look of fear and confusion in her eyes and she just
smiled and looked around the room. Well, it turned out that
it was not a tombstone, but a leg of a concrete bench they bought
her. They wrapped all three pieces separately. I haven't
figured out whether my ILs wanted her to think it was a tombstone
or not. They have mentioned, many times, that they wish they
had encouraged their son's divorce from her years ago. But,
they are also very simple folk. I would be very surprised if
this was planned. Imagine my gratitude when I received a gift
certificate to my favorite store (that's the only thing I "suggested"
to her when she asked me, on five different occasions, what I wanted
- I was amazed she actually listened).
Signed - Is That A Tombstone?
Should I hold out hope?
My wife left before Christmas, after less than four months of marriage.
She went home to her mom's. I received one call on Christmas
telling me that she had made an appointment with the priest who married
us to get an annulment. I declined. No merry Xmas.
When I initially proposed, her mother had hit the roof because she
wanted my wife to marry her best friend's nephew (whom my wife had
dated, but broken up with prior to going out with me). She also
didn't like the fact that we were different races. After a month
of he!!, she finally agreed to meet me. Her parents gave us
their blessing, only on the condition that I follow their tradition
(groom pays for everything). I agreed, as I wouldn't let a replaceable
commodity like money scare me or compromise my self respect.
However, I found that during our engagement, I was never invited over.
None of her siblings or their significant others (all my race) wanted
to get to know me. When I'd call, DW would talk to me as if
I was one of her buddies. Friday and Saturday evenings had to
be spent driving her mom around shopping, or helping her mom care
for her older sister's baby. Sunday afternoons likewise.
I took it in stride, since culturally it was normal for her to be
dedicated to her family, and I reasoned that, when we had children,
she would put as much energy into their care. Her brother had
always hated me, and he did not give us a wedding present. He
even threatened not to attend, though she chose to conceal that fact
from me. He, along with her unmarried sister and both parents,
snubbed my parents at the end of our reception by not acknowledging
them when they got up to say good-bye. They just walked past
without looking left or right, as if they weren't there. He
stopped speaking to her a week after we got back from our honeymoon,
and this deeply hurt her. DW's older sister was openly wondering
who would baby-sit the kid now that she was married. Her other
sister's boyfriend was also disliked, but SIL began to sabotage little
things to draw negative attention away from him, and towards me.
During our marriage, I began to get progressively more and more disillusioned.
No-one came to see our new home. I went over a few times, but
the disdain I felt was palpable. I was not invited, nor was
I welcome. Her weekend routine continued as before, thus cutting
off our social life. Two weeks ago I was very upset about this,
but I didn't want to rock the boat. She pried it out of me,
and I blurted out that her mother's presence in our lives was too
large. She was angry, saying that she was very close to her
family, and wanted to see them. I never prevented her from doing
so. But, I would have liked one weekend a month with my wife.
A malaise crept in, until her unmarried sister told MIL what I had
said. She exploded. She said that her mother she comes
first, then the family, and then me. My wife was told to come
to all family functions, unaccompanied, and that I was no longer welcome
by anyone in the family (like I was before?). She finally packed
her things and left me in tears, 3 days before Christmas, begging
me to promise that I wouldn't marry another girl from her culture
to avoid this pain in the future. I had always asked why I was
so disliked by her family. And, she was always vague, telling
me to ignore it. When she had announced our wedding, MIL had
snapped, "We'll see!' ' I guess we have.
Signed - Should I Hold
Out Hope?
RESPONSE: Should I Hold Out Hope?
It sounds like your wife is married to her family. Unless you
can get her to understand that the spouse in a relationship comes
first (not the mother, father or siblings), I think you are out of
luck. What an incredible story. She sounds like a fool
for allowing her family to take up her whole life. A wife should
put her husband first, and vice versa. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Should I Hold Out Hope?
Hold out hope for what? Your marriage? I'm sorry, but
you never had a marriage in the first place. I wonder why you
even went through with it. Let this woman go. It has nothing
to do with you or your race. The fault is with her and her family.
You sound much too good for them. Let her family have her back.
Get the annulment, and get on with your life. You need to find
someone who deserves you.
RESPONSE: Should I Hold Out Hope?
I've never heard of such a thing. I think your wife has been
brainwashed! I know you must love her a lot, but maybe it's
a blessing if you can get an annulment. I do hope you can work
it out, if this what you truly want. Insist on one condition
- that you move far away from the in-laws. If you don't, this
life will be he!!. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Should I Hold Out Hope?
Hope for what? You really want to be married to someone who
is already married to her mom? Run as fast as you can.
An annulment does not sound bad. Find a woman who wants to make
a home with you, not her mom.
RESPONSE: Should I Hold Out Hope?
I'm so sorry, but I don't think there is much hope for this relationship.
Your DW is too much of a momma's girl. She doesn't even realize
how twisted her mother is. And she doesn't see that she has
a right to her own life with a husband and children of her own.
I think it's better that you found out now, before you did have children.
I guarantee you that that battle-ax MIL of yours would make sure you
never saw your kids again. I know it's hard, but I think you
should move on with your life. You will find someone with a
normal, healthy sense of self who is ready to commit to you and have
a real, adult relationship. Your wife will always be a little
girl who will be at the beck and call of everyone in her family.
You deserve better than that, and I hope you find it. Good luck!
Worst gift: Three years
ago for Christmas, my hubby and I went out to dinner with his family
(mostly cousins, his brother and his wife. After eating dinner
at the restaurant, we exchanged gifts that were left in the car.
We got home, and to my surprise, my BIL and SIL gave us a cheesecake.
Not only was it a cheesecake, but an eggnog cheesecake. I don't
like eggnog, plus my hubby has high cholesterol. What were they
thinking? The next year, I got them a fruitcake.
Signed - Cheesecake For
A Gift?
RESPONSE: Cheesecake For A Gift?
It seems like an OK gift to me. I really don't see the problem.
But, if you are offended by it, I guess there's a reason.
RESPONSE: Cheesecake For A Gift?
I doubt it was meant to be mean. They just thought it was different.
Maybe they like it and thought you would too. I wouldn't repay
one poorly thought of gift (in your mind) with another.
RESPONSE: Cheesecake For A Gift?
Honestly? I think they probably didn't realize the thing about
cholesterol, or that you didn't like eggnog. They probably thought
that it would be a nice festive holiday flavor. Wow, I wish
someone had had the courtesy to give ME an eggnog cheesecake - yum!
RESPONSE: Cheesecake For A Gift?
The problem is that they weren't thinking. Your response was
appropriate.
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