Happy New Year, and thank
you for all the "therapy" you've given me (even about
non-MIL-related things). Thank you for your wisdom and patience.
You've been a huge help to me. Things really have gotten better
with my MIL. It's hard to even come up with complaints anymore,
so it's been a while since I've even had anything to post about.
But, thank you for your kindness, and for the security of knowing
you're there if other issues (and you've helped me with completely
non-family issues too!) come up. Your advice was so good and
such a revelation, that I think of it a lot. I hope things
get better with your MILs and other relatives. Or, if they're
truly "bad apples" that you find, have lots of other decent
people in your lives to cheer you up and make up for them.
Warmest best wishes to you, and THANKS.
Signed - Grateful For
The Respondents On This Site!
I've posted several times
about my MIL's behavior and the fact that I have cut contact for
a year now. Please excuse the ramblings below, but I wanted
to illustrate the contrast her behavior has brought to our family
relationships. Christmas without the ILs: Second week
of December, FIL called DH and told him that they are visiting his
grandmother in a few days' time. Therefore, he is to have
grandma's present bought and wrapped and taken to them for delivery
beforehand - regardless of whether we want to buy Grandma a present
or not. The present was duly delivered, with promise of Christmas
card to follow in post. This wasn't good enough for MIL, who
ordered DH to write a card for them to take with them. At
the same meeting, DH was handed a list of addresses of family members
who have new addresses this year, so that we can send cards - people
we have seen only once or twice in the last six years. Again,
we have to be seen to be doing the right thing in her eyes.
It later turns out that MIL didn't pass on our address to these
people so they could send greetings to us. Ten days before
Christmas, ILs depart for the winter holiday. They've been
away for the last couple of years, having received "no room
at the inn" from various members of the family. Christmas
Day, and we're at my parent's place. Chaotic day with siblings
and their families coming and going. We all have small gifts
for each other, all cook, eat and generally muck in together.
It would, perhaps, have been nice if DH's parents had managed to
call to say Happy Christmas to their only son, but they didn't.
The time came for me to open my gift from the ILs, and my heart
missed a beat - last year it was so awful that I hid it away, embarrassed
to be opening it in front of DH and my family. This year wasn't
much better: a red, scratchy acrylic, high necked, zip up
cable-knit cardigan. Great, if you're 70. Not so good
if you're half that. I find it embarrassing to exchange MIL's
gifts every year, and asked DH if it was OK to do so, as she is
his mum after all. But, he came shopping with me and got something
nice instead. Why do they buy me clothes every year?
I am a big collector, stitcher, gardener, video watcher, music listener:
There are loads of ideas that she just doesn't have. We had
a lovely, if hectic, warm family Christmas with my clan. ILs
were alone in a foreign hotel, probably still wondering what they
could possibly have done to me! Happy New Year to everyone.
Signed - Christmas Reflections
Frequent
Fry Her TM - Doing It Together
/Posted: 10-JAN-02
We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.
We were away from my mother, and spent some good time with my brother
and his girlfriend, and 10 days with H's family. There was
one call on Christmas Day from me, and nothing else with my mother.
This was the first Christmas holiday in a decade where we were able
to really relax. Gifts were non-eventful. My card from
her was very abrupt: "Fred from Mum" (!) and there
were a number of snide references from my mother about us in our
absence at the faaamily Christmas. But, oh, the relief for
me of accepting that I am under no duty or obligation to see my
mother at Christmas time. Other updates - she is in counseling
(second therapist), as am I. And, we have asked her to try
to make progress in her own counseling before we try to find a "halfway"
point or basis of communication. She is too scared or hostile
to call me. I am accepting that the likelihood of her changing
is low, and that I will likely need to accept, one day, that she
has characteristics that make her controlling, negative, jealous
and antisocial. And, that I am not going to change that, only
she can (and, then, only if she really wanted to). I have
also been reading "Emotional
Incest". It deals with the overly close and dependent
parent, and the many resulting family effects, including, obviously,
MIL and DIL issues. Interestingly, my brother, too, is on
the brink of addressing the superior attitude our mother shows to
his girlfriend (the family is not good as good as ours, they have
to learn proper behavior, etc.) that mirror what she has done to
H (worse actually, as my brother is now the chosen child).
And, they are keen to learn from our mistakes and tackle these things
early on.
RESPONSE: Likelihood Of Her Changing Is Low
All right Fred! Good for you! You've made a huge amount
of progress since you first appeared on this site, and we're all
PROUD of you! Best of luck to your brother and his GF.
They're going to need it.
I am very concerned about
the relationship between my mother and my brother's wife.
My SIL is wonderful to my brother, and he loves her very much.
I get along well with her, and we all see each other, usually, once
a year. Lately, my mother has become very angry at my SIL.
This last Christmas, comments were made to my mother, "I want
my first child to be a boy so that when I get old, he'll take care
of me." "My mother has osteoarthritis, but she never
complains about it." I find these comments strange.
As I said, my brother only visits my mom once a year, and his wife
is always with him. My mom does have a lot of aches and pains,
but that's no reason to make snide remarks. The first Christmas
we were together, my mother took my then recently late father's
diamond ring, and other jewelry, and had three large gold (18K)
nuggets made with diamonds in them. One went to me, one to
my sister, and one to my SIL. It was my mother's way of saying,
"You are truly part of the family, and I love you. My
sister-in-law's response was, "What is this - copper?"
She never wears it. My mother does whatever she can to try
and be close to my sister-in-law. She wants their relationship
to be similar to a mother-daughter relationship, but it's not working.
After two years of trying so hard, my mother is bitter, and can
find hidden messages in anything now! I stay neutral, which
upsets her. At the same time, I love my SIL, and wonder if
she does have something against my mom? My brother, mostly,
only calls my mom when his wife is sleeping or gone. If she
is home and my mom asks to speak to her, my brother's response is,
"She's busy." Is there something going on here??
And, how should it be handled? I'm hoping the DILs out there
can help me. It's not my place to step in and play a go-between,
but I really wish I could do SOMETHING to help! I love them
all so much!! I just don't understand all this MIL - DIL stuff,
because I have ALWAYS gotten along wonderfully with my MIL, and
my previous boyfriend's mothers. Can someone help?
Signed - Stressed About
Mom And SIL
RESPONSE: Stressed About Mom And SIL
Do not come between them. Believe me, the best thing you can
do is to let them sort out their own problems. My SIL once
made snide remarks to me about something that MIL and I did not
agree on. She indirectly tried to tell me something related
to that, and I hate her so much for that. The issue between
MIL and me was due to the generation gap between us (and we had
different views about it). SIL made comments about it when
she invited me to dinner at her place (she is married). Let
me tell you, that was the worst thing she could have done.
I felt betrayed that MIL is talking about our conversation to her.
And, who the he!! is she to interfere in my life. It spoiled
everything between her and me. Now, I can't bear to talk to
her even for a minute. I do talk to her, but only to say "Hello".
That's all. Do not make the same mistake. I think the
first two comments you mentioned were very innocent. They
were really not meant to hurt your mom. But the second one
about the jewelry was definitely rude. But still, I will suggest
that you keep out of it. Let MIL handle it. Be a friend
to your mom. Talk to her and listen to her. But, do
not talk to SIL about her issue with MIL. You do not want
her to think you are the enemy too. My relationship with my
SIL is over for GOOD. She did this 3 times, and now I am not
going to feel the same way about her ever again.
RESPONSE: Stressed About Mom And SIL
You sound like a wonderful soul! Please keep doing what you're
doing - it would probably be a bitter situation without you.
I know it must be hard. Maybe the key is that it's impossible
for either a MIL or a DIL to force a "mother-daughter"
relationship. Your mother might be great, but your SIL sounds
angry about something. It's sad, but it sounds like a typical
MIL-DIL relationship. I'm sorry your SIL's anger has turned
to rudeness, but she has her own side of the story too. None
of this is particularly helpful to you, but it sounds like you are
a goodhearted person who brings people together. You're an
inspiration to me! Just keep seeing the good in both of them.
Maybe you shouldn't even listen to their complaints about each other.
Just say, "I don't want to hear it." Maybe if their
negative attitudes towards each other aren't encouraged, they'll
both sense your well-meaning loyalty and support, and their relationship
will be free to improve. Keep praying for them both!
RESPONSE: Stressed About Mom And SIL
I am a SIL who had a similar situation with my mom and my brother's
wife. The only thing that has worked, without me adding to
the trouble, is having frank discussions with SIL about how she
feels she is being treated as part of our extended family.
I don't think we could have these discussions at the level of being
in-laws. It works only when it is done as friends. I
let her know how her relationship with my brother is the primary
relationship, and as long as they are happy, nothing else really
matters. This makes her feel secure, and she is more willing
to share her feelings. The more things come out in the open,
the easier it is to address them. So many times my mom's behavior
seems so innocent to me, but looking at it from my SIL's perspective
helps me see how it could be misunderstood. Just letting SIL
know that I can see where she is coming from, and offering an alternative
explanation for mom's behavior helps her be more willing to try
to understand mom in a less critical manner. I do the same
thing with my mom. I don't act as a go between. I just
encourage them to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
It works because both know that I am impartial and that I love them
and my brother to death. I hope it helps you in some way.
Good luck.
I entered my first story
on May 31, 2001. This is when my newborn son was 6 weeks old.
My MIL came to visit, and commented on everything I did with my
son. And, of course, I was not doing anything right.
She thought, then, that my son should be on cereal. I gave
my son cereal when he was four months old, like his pediatrician
suggested. I am trying to sum up my last story in a nutshell
so I may continue with my new entry. It is the new year, and
my son is now 8 months old. He is healthy, and doing well
in all areas of development. Of course, I think he is advanced,
but what mother wouldn't. For the holidays, my MIL and her
new boyfriend stayed with us for a week. They live 15 hours
away (not far enough!). My parents were visiting too, but
they stayed in a hotel, since we only have a two bedroom apartment.
My parents live 15 hours away, too. I cannot sum up in one
small story what my MIL did while she was here. I think that
if I list the things, it may be easier for you to follow:
She said my son's room was "kinda cute" (my son has a
popular brand name kids room). I am pregnant again, and my
MIL's new boyfriend, who is a so called nutritionist, insisted on
watching and commenting on the things I ate! I had morning
sickness all day, one day when she was here. When she came
back, she boiled eggs, and said she hoped the smell did not bother
me. On my husband's day off, she insisted they do something
alone (I never get to be with my husband alone, since we do not
know anyone in the area to baby-sit). She likes to hold my
DH's hand in public - he is 31 years old! She gets up and
makes him breakfast in my house. She still calls him by his
kid nickname. She went into my son's room and closed the door
while my son opened up his presents from Santa and from my parents.
She told me my son should be eating more than baby food, like chunks
of eggs. I know that kids should not have eggs until they
are at least a year old. My husband asked me to go see a movie
with him one night while she was here. I was too sick, and
then she went and rubbed his back and said she would go with him.
My husband said, "no," and that he wanted to take me.
I was very proud of him. There is so much more to this story.
By the end of her visit, I blew up at her and she left. I
just can't take her anymore, and my husband wants me to apologize!
The biggest problem is that she is going to move 15 hours closer,
to live next to us in the same apartment complex!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP!
Signed - MIL Stay Out
Of Town
RESPONSE: MIL Stay Out Of Town
Oh, LORD. Your MIL is a piece of work! It is so hard
to understand people like that. I bet EVERYONE feels sorry
for you. Your DH sounds great - totally supportive - and that's
a big asset! You are going to have your work cut out for you
setting boundaries with this woman when she moves closer (maybe
you're going to have to move AWAY!). It will be hard work,
and you might as well start planning your strategy now. My
own in-laws moved closer to us (not that close, though!), and it
was work setting boundaries with them. But, we've done it.
It's especially hard when you have a child. I hope you can
have a heart-to-heart talk and planning session with your husband.
I sure am rooting for you.
RESPONSE: MIL Stay Out Of Town
I would say we have the same MIL, except mine lives half a world
away. She is still married to the jerk she should have dumped
40 years ago. Tell your DH that you will apologize to MIL
if she agrees to see an individual therapist every week for a year,
while you see a marriage counselor once every week for a year.
When it is done successfully, she should fly over, install herself
in a motel, and see a family therapist with the two of you twice
a week for a month. If you see that some progress is being
made in making her understand the different places a mother and
a wife occupy in a man's life, then you will consider having a relationship
with her. In any case, he should tell her that she should
not move into your apartment complex if she hopes to have any sort
of relationship with you guys. If she doesn't listen to him,
then hope she signs a one year lease. In which case, you should
move as far away from her as possible and cut off all communication.
This woman is sick. She has to get over this sickness before
you worry about having her in your life. Good luck with your
son and your pregnancy. It must be hard for you to deal with
all this at this point. Do take good care of yourself.
Join a mother's group where you can interact with other moms who
have young children. Don't stay isolated. Make friends.
They are more supportive than some family members. Take some
time for yourself every day, even if it is only half an hour.
Worst gift: It all began
at my wedding shower this past summer. I received oven mitts
and dish towels from my FMIL. I was given more "thoughtful"
gifts by the children who attended! We received nothing, yes,
nothing at all for our wedding (not even a card) from my husband's
parents. This Christmas, I felt dissed. I received a
box of chocolates with nuts. I have a nut allergy, and this
woman has known that fact. And, she has known me for almost
7 years now! My husband took pleasure in eating them.
The SIL got a beautiful bathrobe, movies, and CDs. My husband
got new woodworking tools and clothes. My BIL received a very
expensive workbench. And I got chocolates. OK, whatever!
Signed - I'm Not The
Nutty One
RESPONSE: I'm Not The Nutty One
Don't give a damn about her gifts, and don't bother about giving
her anything. The best thing is to ignore her completely.
She will have really hard time swallowing that.
Frequent
Fry Her TM - Evil Has A
Face 1 of 4 needed /Posted: 10-JAN-02
My former MIL is the most evil person I have ever
met. That is an opinion held by many who have met her.
She hated me before she met me, for no reason other than her baby
boy wouldn't be all hers anymore. No matter how much I tried
to be nice and not make waves, I was always treated with contempt
or outright hatred. We were married for over 17 years, until
DH died of cancer in 1996. MIL did her worst towards me until
the bitter end. Thankfully, I have not heard from her, or
anyone else in that family, since he died (because MIL poisoned
all who would listen against me). This has eaten at me for
years, especially the time around his funeral. And, now, I
think I want to put some of it down in writing to try and get it
in the past. On the good side, I have moved on with my life,
and I am now remarried to a nice guy whose family treats me nicely
and accepts me as part of the family.
RESPONSE: Finally Happy
Good for you. Do keep on posting at this site if it helps
you get the witch out of your system. I wonder if the wickedness
ruined her son's immune system. I am glad you moved on.
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Worst Gift Stories
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