Does anyone out there
live with their MIL? My MIL has lived with us for over a year
and a half. Her constant presence and interference in my life
has caused an uproar in my home and in my marriage. She wasn't
supposed to live with us for this long. When she sold her
house back in 1999, the agreement was that she would stay with us
until she found an apartment. She looked at, maybe, two apartments
in the area, and convinced my husband that everything was too expensive.
So, she set up home in a spare bedroom of ours, and hasn't moved
since. Her hopes are that when her 85 year old mother passes
away, she will get her apartment in New York City. Her relationship
with her mother is very dysfunctional. Her mother knows her
daughter wants the apartment, and uses it to get my MIL to do things
for her. In a nutshell, my MIL tells me what I should eat,
how I should exercise (keep in mind that I have battled with Anorexia
throughout my high school and college years, so I take these subjects
very seriously), how I should take care of my home, how I should
manage my finances, and how I should deal with my husband.
She loves to gossip and bring out flaws in other people (including
her coworkers, friends and family members). She always makes
herself look like the "hero" or the negotiator in every
situation, and never takes responsibility for her own actions.
I do not even want to begin thinking about what she says about me
to everyone else. She is also very prejudiced, and is constantly
stereotyping people. When confronted about her offensive comments,
she gets all emotionally charged up and defensive. My DH loves
my MIL to pieces, and would walk through fire for her. Prior
to her moving in, my husband and I enjoyed an open and honest relationship.
Now, with the constant presence of my MIL, he is a totally different
person. He is less affectionate, less easy going, and he feels
like he has to cater to her every need. He will often leave
me to be by her side. It seems as though we have to plan our
life around the needs of my MIL. I've approached my DH with
my frustrations, but he simply does not see my point of view.
He thinks I should be grateful that I do not have any "serious"
problems, like being homeless or a drug addict. He completely
dismisses how I feel, and makes me feel badly about my growing animosity
towards my MIL. I feel very confused and betrayed by my DH.
Am I making a big deal out of nothing, or are my feelings reasonable?
Signed - A Very Confused
Wife/Daughter-In-Law
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
Run, don't walk, to the nearest marriage counselor. Your DH
is dead wrong in his attitude towards you. Ask him if this
is how he envisioned a good marriage to be. Make him talk
about things, one way or another. Good luck.
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
Rest assured, you aren't the only one. This story is also
my life story, only I have been married 7 and 1/2 years and have
two children. My MIL has 2 other children out here, but when
she visits from her country, she chooses to stay only with us each
time. She gossips, also, about me to my husband and all her
family, and has him so brainwashed that he really thinks I am after
his money, and that I don't love/care for him. She doesn't
think she is the cause of our marital disharmony. She thinks
she is a hero by interfering for our own "good", and even
my husband has come to believe that. She stays for long periods
(8 weeks) three times a year, and turns our house into a mess with
her own belongings, empty carton boxes and tins. And, she
messes the kitchen with her cooking. Long after she goes home,
my husband and I remain on bad terms. Once we get back to
being friends, he invites her to visit again! When we take
family photos, she always stands right in the center for every picture
pose, and will not move unless someone tells her. My spineless
husband wouldn't, and I'm not rude enough to tell her, too. When
we go out for a meal, she insists on sitting in the front of the
car, as if she were the wife. And, I, the wife, have to sit
in the back. When we want to go on vacation, DH has to tell
her about it, and she insists on coming with us. Since our
3 day honeymoon, on which I paid the board, we have never been on
a vacation together (not even a weekend). On the only wedding
anniversary I ever enjoyed with my husband (since we happened not
to be fighting, and went for a nice dinner ourselves), her daughter
phoned us to say their mother had an accident that very evening.
She sews with needles and scissors while my one year old son is
running around nearby. She used to put her huge bag of medicines
on the table when my daughter was young enough to climb to get it,
not knowing it was dangerous. The worst is that my husband
is so badly brainwashed by her suspicious mind. He is becoming
like her in his thinking - suspicious. If I tell him that
something is very wrong with the marriage, that his mother should
not be interfering, and that he must stand up for me when she gossips
untrue things about me, he just refuses to hear it, or explodes
at me. I work, help him to pay bills, and look after the children
when I get home, but he doesn't appreciate all I do.
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
So, your DH says you should be grateful you're not homeless or a
drug addict? Well, even homeless drug addicts have a chance
to make a life for themselves. They don't have an albatross
of an MIL hanging around their necks indefinitely. I would
rather be shot through with smack and living in the gutter than
in a house with a needy, manipulative MIL who destroys an appallingly
high number of opportunities for happiness. She's got to go,
or you do.
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
You are being completely reasonable. You agreed to have your
MIL live with you for a short while until she found an apartment,
not for all the years of her deathwatch while she is waiting for
the grandmother to die and bequeath her an apartment! I think
you should go out to dinner with your husband (somewhere out of
the house without his mother), and tell your husband quite calmly
that you are afraid that his mother living with you is taking a
huge toll on your marriage. He needs to understand that, yes,
this IS a big problem, and that, no, you're not making it up or
exaggerating. I really think you guys should get into marriage
counseling, where I am sure a competent counselor will explain to
him that having a third person live with you is a big deal.
I hope you are able to negotiate a deadline by which your MIL will
move out. And, "when Grandma dies" is not an acceptable
deadline. Good luck!
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
Tell him you're going to look for an apartment, since he and mommy
are so happy together. Good luck.
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
Your feelings are very reasonable. Unfortunately, if your
husband can't see and respond to your needs, you have to make the
decision to either stay and deal with it, or to leave them both
alone and go on with your life. Good luck.
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
No way! She can't live with you any longer. It's your
home. How can you and your husband even be intimate with her
in the house? You have to convince him that she needs to move
out already. She can't wait for her mother to die. She
has to go now. End of story. For the sake of your marriage,
your DH had better listen.
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
Your feelings are more than reasonable, but it doesn't seem as though
your DH is going to take you seriously until you take some drastic
action. My advice is to give him an ultimatum. Set a
date that he needs to move her out by. If, by that date, he
hasn't moved MIL out, then YOU (and child) move out and leave him
with his mommy. Tell him to ask HER to keep him warm at night!
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
You are not out of line. You need to talk to your DH about
MIL and make him listen. Keep talking to him until he understands.
Get outside help, if necessary. Tell him that MIL is putting
a huge strain on your relationship, and you need her out.
Be nice, but don't hold anything back.
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
The next time your DH has a problem - any problem at all - work,
emotional, financial, etc., - simply dismiss it by telling him he
should be "grateful" that he has no "serious"
problems, like being homeless or a drug addict. When he blows
up and accuses you of being heartless, tell him, laughingly, that
this was HIS response to your grave concerns about his mother!!
Keep doing it until he gets the message.
RESPONSE: A Very Confused Wife/Daughter-in-law
That stuff about not having any "serious" problems is
totally absurd! You aren't *supposed* to have problems like
that if you're a normal person! Don't let him sweep this under
the rug. Find a counselor. The sooner, the better.
And, if he won't go with you, go by yourself. Good luck!
My future ILs are just
downright strange. First off, they treat my FH as if he were
a 2nd class citizen. It all began when he moved away to live
with me. Then, we got engaged and things got worse.
He has two younger brothers at home who get everything they could
ever ask for (one is 21, the other is 14), and FH never asks them
for anything. They get mad when we don't call them once a
week. But, in the 8 months he's lived with me, they've only
called 2 times! They didn't send him a birthday card, didn't
call - nothing. When I mentioned to his mother that his feelings
had gotten hurt, she turned it completely around, saying, "He's
HOW old? I mean, he doesn't understand how we live now.
And, besides, he's the one who left us! We didn't leave him!"
What a complete LOON!!!! He didn't leave his family.
He moved - you idiot! Then, they came down to visit, and wanted
to talk wedding ideas with us. They completely hate everything
we are doing. And, they even went as far as telling us, because
we aren't getting married in a church, that we really aren't getting
married. While they were visiting, his dad had an accident
on our property. Fine, he went to the local hospital, and
I informed them to let us know what their insurance wouldn't pay,
and I would submit it to our homeowners insurance. Fine, right?
Oh yeah, until she sent me a bill last month (when all this happened
in JULY!) for 45.00, and demanded I pay it personally! They
never have my name on any of our correspondence, but this bill certainly
did. We went out of our way holiday shopping this year, spent
almost 500.00 just on his mom, dad, and two brothers. FH got
a sweatshirt, a watch, some towels and large indoor grill.
I got a discount rack music box. Hey, it's cool - I'm not
their kid, and I know it. But, now, as our wedding approaches,
things are getting worse. They've balked on our pick of tuxes
- she wants some dress that costs around 500.00 (when my wedding
gown didn't even cost that much), and my mother can't afford to
get a dress and spend much more than about 50.00 on it (and, I'm
going to have to pay for my mom's!!!). They've been rude and
inconsiderate (like whipping out an 800.00 check (made out to FH)
and a card (also made out to FH) at our engagement party right in
front of my parents, and BRAGGED about it).
Signed - September Bride
RESPONSE: September Bride
And, you're still going to marry into this family????
RESPONSE: September Bride
Let her brag. It only shows what little class they have.
Unfortunately, my stepmother is like that too. She embarrasses
herself. Don't let them ruin your wedding. Let her talk,
and then nod. She'll think she's getting somewhere.
When the day comes, it's yours and your FH's , not hers. Also,
why does DH call his younger siblings every week? Have them
call him a couple of times. My sisters and I mix it up, just
like my DH and his sister. Good luck!
Here's a story with a
twist. My MIL's hypocrisy was discovered when she was visiting
us from another state a few years ago (I'd always sensed she was
badmouthing me like mad, despite acting really "nice"
to my face). While my husband was at work, I said that I'd
be gone for an hour, and left a small tape recorder running in a
drawer next to the phone. Five minutes later I walked in and
there she was (predictably), chatting away, long distance, on our
phone. As soon as she heard my keys in the door, she wound
things up and hung up, and with a huge smile. She asked me,
"Is everything OK, dear? You're back so soon!"
As soon as she was out of the room, I ran to the drawer, snatched
up the recorder, and turned it off. I'd been petrified that
she'd open the drawer while searching for a pen, or just randomly
rifling as she talked and discover it. But, boy was I rewarded.
Discreetly placing the tape recorder into my purse, I went to my
car, rewound it, and bingo. After 7 years of marriage to her
son (and we had a daughter), you wouldn't believe the lies, poison,
and griping this woman launched into!! She hadn't even waited
for me to pull out of the driveway! And, the person she was
badmouthing me to sounded like she hardly knew her. When her
son came home, I played it back for everyone. But, guess what?
Instead of owning up, she turned to him with phony tears and began
screaming, "Oh my GOD! What kind of a she-devil would
tape record somebody like that?!!" And, that's when our
daughter, only 6 at the time (who hates her - a whole other story),
piped up and saved me with, "I'm sorry Gramma. I put
it in there for a joke." Needless to say, we have no
more contact with her. Earlier, we'd found out that she'd
been stealing/spending money that her deceased IL's (who hated her)
left in their will for their grandson (my DH, her son) for his education.
But, he was a minor when they died, and the payments went directly
to MIL. Naturally, she was well off (the old story), and denied
everything, blah, blah. But, we had all the documentation
to prove she'd squandered it on trips and furs. We gave her
the option of paying up what she stole, or getting out of our lives
forever. And, thankfully, she chose the money!.
Signed - From The Mouths
Of Babes
RESPONSE: From The Mouths Of Babes
High fives to you! She was soooo busted! It brings back
memories of the times I have caught my MIL listening (through the
intercom to my bedroom) to conversations which I was having with
my husband. And, my husband has caught her poised with a listening
ear behind the kitchen door. The scary thing is: How many
times has she done such nosy things and not been caught???
RESPONSE: From The Mouths Of Babes
I'd love to hear why your daughter hates your MIL. I can guess,
because she sounds exactly like my ex-ILs, whom my daughter absolutely
loathes. I think you did exactly the right thing, and I'm
glad your husband backed you up. Otherwise, there would have
been seven kinds of he!! to pay for tape recording her bashing you.
Funny - was your daughter listening to her grandmother bash her
mother? That could be one reason why your daughter hates MIL.
RESPONSE: From The Mouths Of Babes
Oh, wow! I can't believe you were able to pull off catching
her with a tape recorder! That is my dream. I have no
idea whether my MIL badmouths me, or what she says about me at all,
but I know the way she talks about everyone else behind their backs
(spreads people's business, etc.), so I would love to catch her
in it. I am sure there will come a time when she visits our
state (despite my adamant wish to have her stay anywhere but in
my home, for a good many reasons), and I have quite often thought
of doing what you did - finding a way to tape record "things".
I have thought about even setting up the video camera!! But,
if she caught me, DH would be the first to hear it, and we would
have a fight. Then, she would tell her whole family, and anyone
else who came within a mile, of what I'd done. I suppose I
could use the, "I was doing something with that - I didn't
realize it was on" thing, but that is weak. Luckily,
you have a child - that is believable. I don't have any kids
yet, and it's not too likely that an adult is going to "accidentally"
leave a tape recorder going in a "secret" area, you know?
But, I hope to find a way to do it. But, if I did do it, and
she found it, I could say, "Well, what were you doing looking
in there?" I'd have to make sure it was somewhere that
she wouldn't have any reason to be, like our bedroom or something.
I swear that I plan to do this. If it were my SIL, I know
for sure I would catch her doing SOMETHING. She's nosy as
all heck. But, for that reason, I wouldn't let her stay here
in the first place.
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