My MIL lies constantly
- about everything. She lies even when she has no reason to.
And, I swear to god, I have heard this lady lie about fruit!
She lies about pictures she took, when she didn't. She lies
about cops pulling her over on the highway, when they didn't.
She lies about my kids saying they said things that they never said.
She lies about my husband and tells people things that she said
happened to him when he says they never happened. And, she
will tell her lies to anyone who will listen. She lies so
much that it is second nature to her. And, as soon as the
words come out of her mouth, she believes them. She shoved
her way into the delivery room when I had my son, and I had told
her that I didn't want her in there, so I was very ticked after
the fact. Well, she went and told everyone that I had postpartum
depression. AHHHHHH - I just can't stand her lies anymore!!!
And, when we have confronted her on her lying, she gets defensive
and pits her husband against us, because he believes anything she
says. Does this sound familiar to anyone???? If it does,
please HELP!!!!
Signed - Sick Of The
Lies!
RESPONSE: Sick Of The Lies!
Yes, I know what you mean. There are many "family secrets"
in my DH's family that the ILs think I don't know about. But,
I know EVERYTHING, because DH and I told each other the good, the
bad, and the ugly BEFORE we got married, so we'd both know exactly
what kind of families we were marrying into! The ILs sit around
telling blatant, huge lies, thinking that I am the only one who
doesn't know the truth. This is offensive to me, because they
must be assuming that my husband has kept secrets from me for THEIR
benefit, and to hide THEIR past disgraces. I think my MIL
is a pathological liar. She lies about big things, small things,
medium things, current things, past things, etc. We have decided
that, from now on when she lies, we will just look at each other
and nod our heads from left to right to indicate "NO, not true".
We won't even have to say a word. Maybe this will work.
Also, just in casual conversation about politics or whatever, we
are going to start to talk about liars, and how, once you catch
someone in a lie, you never believe another word they say.
I hope this helps us, and maybe it can help you. Also, each
year at Christmas we send a typed letter with each Christmas card
to EVERY RELATIVE. In the letter, we always talk about having
a great year at work, great vacations, etc. - just to show how happy
we are (just in case she has been telling people otherwise).
One other thing that is great to do: Whenever you're around
relatives, always compliment each other. Make statements like,
"DW is the best thing that's ever happened to me," or,
"DH is life's greatest blessing." So, if an IL is
saying that you're so bad or unhappy, the ILs end up looking like
the liars that they are. Good luck. I know that liars
are dangerous, and can do a great deal of harm, but handle it with
grace, charm, and dignity, and people will begin to see who is good
and who is evil.
For all those who receive
awful gifts from ILs, here's a wonderful technique that I have found
that works every time: Take a phone book and wrap it up so
it looks like an expensive gift (phone books are great because they're
square, heavy, and look as if something valuable is inside!). Keep
it hidden. Open your gifts. If any one of them is insulting,
ridiculous or unacceptable (one reader got TOILET CLEANER!), say,
"I've got one for you too!" Then, go to the car,
or wherever you stashed the wrapped phone book, and give it to them.
Whatever they say, you can laugh and say, "Awe c'mon - where's
your sense of humor? I'm not offended by your gift!"
You can also wrap up a brick or old mail order catalogs for variation.
Signed - Guaranteed To
Work
RESPONSE: Guaranteed To Work
LOLOL! Good one!!
This story is a little
off the wall, but I think the point will be obvious. I have
a good friend, a stockbroker, who's gay. I've known him for
over 15 years. His mother lives in his beautiful apartment,
and he pays all her bills. He has two married siblings, and
I guess because they "procreated", she accepts her son's
gayness (otherwise, if he had been an only child - who knows?).
Recently, my husband and I visited them from out of town.
His mom, who is overweight, and sits in front of the TV like a vegetable
all day, suddenly sprung into action on our last evening.
Here's what happened: It was getting late, and her son and
I were watching TV on the couch. Because I was falling asleep,
my friend suggested that I put my head on a pillow that was next
to him. Now, his mom knows he's gay. She knows I'm married
(my husband was on the other end of the couch reading a magazine!).
Yet, the woman bristled, sat up straight, and glared at me as if
I'd committed a crime! She was so threatened. I backed
off. But, later, I pointed it out to my friend, who told us,
in tears, how, little by little, she took total control of his life.
And, now he's her slave. He says he didn't put his foot down
as he should have in the beginning, and now there's no going back.
He cannot even meet a friend for a coffee. She makes him feel
guilty about leaving her home alone in the evenings, and he has
to call her ten times a day to "report in". He has
to shop for food (she's so FAT she can't move; just getting dressed
is a huge task), cook, and do all the cleaning as well. He
is the "ideal son" - a living, sad example of what some
mothers will do to their own sons out of selfishness (and a sort
of sick, Oedipal desire for him!) So, if you have a possessive,
jabbing MIL, tell this story to your husbands.
Signed - There But For
The Grace of God .....
RESPONSE: There But For The Grace of God .....
What does he mean, there's "no going back"? HE is
the one who is allowing his mother to control his life! He's
using her as an excuse not to take responsibility for himself.
That's really sad. It doesn't HAVE to be that way!
RESPONSE: There But For The Grace of God .....
Your story made me think of something that happened to me in college.
I have a close gay friend with an overbearing mother. Actually,
she is about the biggest b!tch I've ever met. I think any
guy with this lady in his life would hesitate to date women!!
Anyway, she knew her son was gay, and claimed to be okay with it.
I came and stayed with them for a weekend. At the time, I
had been dating the same guy for nearly two years, and she was aware
of that, too. Well, she spent all weekend encouraging me to
seduce her son. The last night I was there, we stayed up all
night talking, and she checked on us every hour. She'd giggle
and said, "Just making sure you're not making out," though
she obviously wanted us to be. Then, she told him in private
that he should never date a slut like me who would throw myself
at him when I had a boyfriend. I realize that having your
son come out is difficult for parents, but I thought her behavior
was ridiculous. And I feel SOOOOO sorry for the guy who falls
in love with my friend.
When my wife and I were
first dating, I thought my MIL wasn't so bad. It wasn't until
after we were married, and more so after our first baby was born,
that I have noticed how much she drives me nuts. We live about
3 minutes from my in-laws (although we are starting to regret it).
Ever since our daughter was born a year ago, MIL is always coming
over unannounced. We finally said something to her after a
few months, asking her to please call before she comes over.
She did, once. She had my youngest SIL (18 years old, and
always defending her mother) call and ask if MIL could come over
to visit. I explained that my wife was at work, and I had
just gotten up. I asked if she could stop by later on in the
afternoon. Well, my MIL called my wife and complained that
I told her not to come over, which was totally untrue. I explained
to my wife what went on, and she understands (she feels the same
way as I do about her mother). So, she called MIL back and
explained that she could come over, just not right now. MIL
did come over. After that, it was back to unannounced visits.
Whenever we tell her to call before coming over, she shrugs it off
and ignores us. Also, a couple of months ago (to shorten the
story) we went over to the in-law's house, and I got into an argument
with MIL about how DW is always being put down for things she doesn't
deserve. MIL got pissed at me, and said that DW is always
turning people against each other and gossiping (my MIL is the BIGGEST
gossip you will ever meet, but she will deny it until the day she
dies - DW and I refer to her as SAKA - See All Know All).
It was very frustrating, because everything I told her was the truth
and she knew it, but she denied every bit, and made me sound like
a child for saying it. MIL finally shut up and sat there like
a little kid with her arms folded, and wouldn't look at me.
She started bawling about how she wants "her girls" to
get along (that's all she wants - typical martyr act). She
gave DW a hug, and totally ignored me. Then, she started saying
how THEY (MIL and DW) should be careful about what they say around
ME, because I will just make up more stories (making me look like
the villain!). Last week, DW was talking to MIL. MIL
was telling stories again, and got caught in another lie (frequently
happens). DW called her on it, and MIL denied all other versions
of the story, even though she admitted she hears things second and
third hand. She complains she feels left out of things.
This was about one of DW's sister's baby shower. After MIL
abruptly terminated a phone call with DW, she called the sister
in question, and bawled to her about DW. Now remember, according
to MIL it is DW that makes up stories, gossips, and turns people
against each other!!!! Then, sister called DW. She was
crying and asking her to call MIL and make things better again.
MIL had made her feel so badly that she didn't even want a baby
shower now. DW called MIL. FIL answered. DW said,
"Can I talk to mom?" FIL said, "Sure,"
then there was silence. Then, he said that she went shopping,
obviously lying. MIL called back when she knew DW would not
be home. I said that she wasn't home, and she hung up abruptly.
Then, the next day, DW called her again. MIL again denied
the stories. This is my problem. This woman is constantly
lying and stretching the truth. She goes against our wishes
in terms of our DD. And, even as young as DD is (1 year),
MIL does what she thinks is best, even when we tell her not to.
It does not matter if it's about feeding, napping, or just discipline
in general. And, she turns it on us, making us look like bad
parents. I want my children to know the in-laws and be close
with them. But, at the same time I am afraid because of the
bad example MIL is setting even now, at this early age. I
don't want to speak ill of MIL in front of my daughter when these
situations arise, but I want to let DD know that it's not right
to do and say these kinds of things. Also, I feel MIL owes
me an apology for lying to my face about what DW does, when MIL
is the one that does the lying and story-changing to begin with.
It is frustrating to both of us. Also, DW is 9 months pregnant,
and doesn't have the energy or emotion to cope with MIL's bullsh!t
at this happy time in our lives. I know MIL is making DW miserable,
and DW is trying to be a peacemaker. What should I do?
Should I say something to MIL, or keep my mouth shut?
Signed - Say Something
Or Keep My Mouth Shut
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
I also live 5 minutes from my MIL. She started coming over
without calling when we first moved in. I asked her to call
first, and she continued saying that she was in the area.
After a few weeks, I started to pack up my 2 kids (1 and 3) and
one on the way. When she would come, I was always going somewhere
(friends, shopping, etc.). It stopped her from coming without
calling first. It was rough, but well worth it. When
they were napping, I tried to let her know that I was resting too.
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
I feel for you, as I have been the DW who has been talked about
behind my back by DH, MIL, and other in-laws. I have stood
up to her, only for her to play the heart palpitation nonsense.
My DH then gets stuck in her house, holding her hand. I've
been thrown out of her house for suggesting that her son is a 30
some odd year old man. She then went to her other son and
DIL and told them that I had just said some horrible things about
them. I was subsequently cornered in their apartment during
a party and badgered about what I supposedly said, which was totally
untrue. When I confronted her for the aggravation she caused
during the prep for our wedding, and the 8 years leading up to it,
she hauled off, called me psycho, and hit me. She then rallied
her other children around her and played victim again. They
all know the nonsense she pulls: gossip, abuse, phone calls,
making up stories, and playing the victim. She also does not
call before coming over, and then acts like, "Well, I'm here,
why don't you want to see me? You're so mean."
Take it from someone who has been there, she will never really understand
what she is doing. She can never truly apologize, as she doesn't
see that what she is doing is a problem. And, no amount of
talking, yelling, or writing to her will cause her to see something
that she has chosen not to see. Do not upset your wife or
yourself over her way of life. She doesn't have to be part
of your life unless you want her to be. And, even then, this
is your marriage and you have the right to limit contact with her.
Calmly set down some ground rules, and stick to them! When
she screws up, she loses privileges - period. I am doing this
with my MIL after 8 years of nonsense, and all the in-laws have
finally gotten the message. You and your wife are not her
doormat. Your family is at stake here! Take charge!
Good luck.
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
C'mon now, you know that saying anything to your MIL won't do any
good. In fact, it will just stir the pot! Your MIL is
NOT going to change until, and unless, she wants too (which isn't
likely). It sounds like you and your wife need to sit down
and talk about how to change (both of) your behavior with her instead.
That's the only way you can take control of this situation.
First off, when MIL comes over unannounced, don't open the door.
Or, if you can't bring yourselves to be that blunt, open it, but
don't let her in. Just say, "Oh, I'm sorry mom.
I wish you'd called first. We're on our way out/it's not a
good time/whatever. Yes, she will get upset. Yes, she
will cry, moan, and seek sympathy from others. That's how
she gets her way. You have to decide that you aren't going
to let HER reactions determine how YOU will act. Once you
do that, she loses power over you. If she does something with
your daughter that you have asked her not to, step in and correct
her, or pick up your daughter and leave or go to another room.
Don't let her baby-sit or spend time alone with your daughter until
she gets the message. Your wife needs to learn not to get
embroiled in her mom's drama and family nonsense. When her
mom starts in on a tall tale, she can change the subject, or just
make an excuse to get off the phone. Or, and this is even
more effective, DON'T REACT. If your MIL is waiting for your
DW to get upset, angry, or start participating in her self-created
drama, and your wife fails to do this, your MIL will seek a better
audience elsewhere. If one of your wife's sisters calls up
crying about what MIL has done, instead of your wife calling MIL,
your sister should just comfort her sister and advise her to deal
with their mother. She should NOT call her mother! Anything
that feeds your MIL's sense of drama is just fuel to the fire.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
See a family therapist with your wife. If you try to handle
it yourself, with no professional help, you may end up in a big
mess. Blood is thicker than water. You don't want to
end up being the bad guy in the end. Your marriage will suffer
if you try to stand up to your MIL, and DW, eventually, starts getting
sick of you standing up to her mom. You see, DW (and not you)
is responsible for putting an end to MIL's meddling behavior.
Her bothersome behavior is certainly serving some unconscious function
in your DW's life. Find out what that need is, and then help
her address it in a positive way. A lot of times my mom gets
on my nerves, and if DH or my brother's wife were to mention it,
I would take their side. But, if I were to get convinced that
they just hated my mom, I wouldn't like it. It does not make
sense, but that is how it is. So, stop being your wife's spokesperson.
Help her in exploring her own feelings about her mother through
the help of a professional.
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
SAY SOMETHING!!!!! Tell MIL (and tape the conversation) that
next time she comes in unannounced, she will not be let in.
Also, inform her that she will not see your DD if she fails to go
by your rules. There are many articles on the Internet about
infant care. Print out those that match the way you are raising
the baby. Every time MIL opens her mouth, show her an expert's
opinion. Tell your DW that you know her mom is hurting her,
and that she (DW) doesn't have the strength to put a stop to it.
Tell DW that you will no longer allow her mother to hurt her and
make her feel inadequate. This way, you are not blaming your
wife for anything. You are not putting her in the middle,
but you are taking care of the problem. Record these conversations
with MIL. This way, when she starts lying, you can play them
back. It will be a hard battle, but hold your stand.
Refuse to let her see DW after she gives birth if she doesn't toe
the line!! Take care of DW. It is a very difficult time
for her.
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
When MIL attempts her unannounced visits, don't let her in.
Keep the doors locked. Act like you didn't hear her at the
door. Continue to do it until she calls before hand.
Don't take phone calls from her, either. It's your life, protect
your wife.
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
I can understand your wanting to help, but your DW needs to handle
this. Standing up to your own mother is very, very difficult,
but DW needs to let her mom know, in no uncertain terms, that she
is not going to put up with this behavior any longer. This
needs to come from your DW, not you, though. Your MIL is playing
childish games, and "I'm A Martyr" is one of the most
unpleasant. Keep your doors locked, and don't let her in the
next time she comes over unannounced. Now that your wife is
about ready to have a baby, it's even more essential to set down
these ground rules, or she will try to control your lives even more.
Don't let her!
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
You cannot change your MIL's behavior, but you can change the way
you deal with her. First of all, you and your DW need to set
clear boundaries with the woman. You have told her that she
needs to call before coming over. If she shows up without
doing that, tell her that it is a bad time, she should have called
first, and close the door. Or, if that causes too much of
a scene with her, don't even bother answering the door. When
she sees you mean business, she will start calling first.
Also, when MIL starts with her gossiping or telling untrue stories,
simply tell her, "I have to go now. I'm not interested
in hearing this about (insert name), especially if they are not
here to defend themselves." Then, hang up the phone,
leave the room, or whatever. If you and your wife treat your
MIL like a small child, and put the same kinds of limits and consequences
on her, she will realize that she cannot get away with her behavior
around the two of you. If she deliberately disregards something
you asked her not to do (or give) to your DD, then tell her she
won't be allowed to see your DD until she respects your wishes.
And, then go through with it. Maybe DW can call her in a week
or two and ask her if she is ready to try again and respect your
wishes. If you keep up with this, by the time your DD is old
enough to know what's going on, I'll bet your MIL behaves a lot
differently around you and your DW. The only reason she behaves
the way she does is because she has been allowed to - no one has
called her on it.
RESPONSE: Say Something Or Keep My Mouth Shut
Tell your wife that it's time to face reality and stop trying to
keep the peace. This woman is obviously demented, and needs
to be put in her place. When she starts her stuff about doing
what she wants, tell her it's time for her to leave, and get out
her coat. Don't accept calls from SIL telling you how awful
you are, and don't let your wife feel bad about telling her mother
"No". No more unannounced visits, no more doing
what SHE wants with YOUR child - she had her chance. And,
if she wants more kids, she can adopt them. And, begin telling
your DD that if she can't follow your rules when grandma is around,
then you will have to cut down on grandma's visits. Even as
young as she is, she will catch on, and your MIL won't be able to
say much without looking like a bigger jack@ss than she already
is. Hang tough - stop giving in to her. And, the best
advice of all would be to move far, far, far, far, FAR away from
this godawful pest.
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