This isn't really a funny
story, but I need to vent and maybe get some advice? I have
known my fiancé for 3 years. We are getting married
this summer (2002). I used to have a great relationship with
my fiancé's mom (or so I thought). Things started to
go bad when my fiancé's brother brought his new girlfriend
to meet them over Christmas. I met this girl in the fall and
didn't like her very much (totally different story and web page).
Anyway, when this girl came to visit them over Christmas, she unleashed
a mass of lies and rumors about me on her last night there, while
I wasn't around. One of these lies was that I "fooled
around" on my fiancé at his bother's house in the middle
of a party with 50 of his bother's coworkers and with my fiancé
there! This is completely untrue and insane. The worst
part is that my FMIL believes this girl. This is the first
time FMIL has met the girlfriend, and she has known me for 3 years.
I have a feeling that she didn't like me from day one. And,
the reason she so easily believes all the lies is because she wants
a reason not to like me. Another thing this girl told her
is that I said she is "overbearing" and "trying to
take over the wedding". I never said that to this girl.
I did say that his mom and I have very different styles - she likes
teddy bears and hearts, while I like more funky modern things.
This was no secret. His mom and I used to talk about it and
joke about it all the time. She even said I needed a "Wedding
book for dummies", and I wasn't offended. We had an open
relationship (I thought) where she knew some of my ideas were crazy,
and she knew I wasn't really into her style either. But this
girl twisted it around and made it seem like I am this evil liar.
Now, his mom wants nothing to do with me or the wedding. She
might not even come. I wrote her a letter and tried to reason
with her, but she has not responded and is not willing to talk to
me. I know she is capable of "writing me off", because
she has family members (siblings) whom she hasn't spoken to in YEARS.
I am worried for my fiancé He is very close with his
mom, and this is causing so much stress. He seems to have
lost interest in the wedding, and I am thinking it might not even
happen now. I think she would be happy if he left me.
At the wedding, the minister suggested that the 2 moms should come
up to the alter and lighting a candle. I know this isn't going
to happen now. It was a really nice idea, and I wanted my
mom to be part of the wedding. The whole event is going to
be he!! now. Even if she does come, I can just see his whole
side of the family sitting there scowling or crying. IT makes
me want to just run away and get married. But, then, this
would ruin it for my parents, who want to be totally involved.
Argh!!!
Signed - Desperate
RESPONSE: Desperate
It is time to get the minister involved. He will host a meeting
with your DF and FMIL. You can air out the issues at that
time, and the minister should also remind your DF that he is marring
you, not mom. You, not mom, come first in his life.
RESPONSE: Desperate
It's unfortunate that his mom was so easily swayed. However,
now that you see how the situation is unfolding, you need to sit
down with your FDH and find out if he can be married to a woman
to whom his mother has no relationship. If he's already lost
interest in the wedding, it may only get worse. Your best
bet is to try talking to him to find out his feelings, as they are
the ones that should matter most to you. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Desperate
Why would this girl make up all these lies about you? What
would be her reasoning for this? Had you met her before?
Does your fiancé believe you? You FMIL sounds like
a witch if she can turn that quickly. You have to find out
why she's acting this way. You have to get her to say it.
Otherwise, your marriage is going to suffer. MILs have a way
of ruining lives. Get to the bottom of this, or run!
RESPONSE: Desperate
Just go ahead with your wedding plans. You and your fiancé
are forming your own family now. Don't contact your future
MIL anymore. She'll surely contact her son. At that
point, I'd tell him to pass the message on to her that you are disappointed
that she'd be so easily swayed by some newcomer she doesn't even
know, and hasn't checked out. In fact, your fiancé
should ask her if she's had HER (this bad mouther) checked out?
If he supports you, he will tell his mother that he, too, is disappointed,
and this is not the way he'd hoped to start his new life with you.
Be mature.
RESPONSE: Desperate
They sound familiar! My MIL believes all the lies her oldest
daughter tells her. They are both very nasty! If I were
you, I would have a long, serious talk with your man. Find
out NOW if he is going to back you or them. Trust me.
If he can't back you, don't marry him. I speak from a very
long and hellish experience, which started very similarly to yours!!!
My DH and I will not have ANYTHING to do with his mother, sister,
and a few others because of these things. My DH treated me
very poorly for 3 years, until he saw the "real" mom and
sister. I still haven't gotten completely over how he made
me feel. DO NOT put yourself in this situation if you can
help it. GOOD LUCK. J
RESPONSE: Desperate
First, tell your own family exactly what has happened, and get as
much support as you can. Second, make certain your fiancé
knows, and accepts, that it is all lies. Get him to speak
to his mother. If he won't, or shows signs of not believing
you, you may be better off without him. Third, grab that evil
piece who started it all. Ask her what she thought she was
doing, why she lied, and why she wanted to spoil your wedding and
relationships? Preferably, have your fiancé with you.
Try to make her admit that it was all invented, but bring the consequences
of her malice home to her. Make her see what a truly horrible
person she is. Incidentally, your FMIL sounds weird.
Talk about overreacting and ungraciousness. If her friendship
is that shallow, you may well find that you've had a lucky escape.
Good luck, and nail that horrible girl!
I know this is going to
sound ungrateful, but: What is the deal with MIL's habit of
cooking a nice dinner for us, and calling to announce that it's
ready for us to pick up - always in the late afternoon AFTER I've
already planned dinner and bought the ingredients? I know
it's a piddly thing, but this seems to happen quite often.
It's kind of frustrating, and I feel a little upstaged. I
am pretty much a stay at home mom right now. I only work on-call,
which amounts to about one day every 2 weeks. So, I've had
a lot of time lately to devote to household duties. It is
really generous of her. She is a sweet lady, and I think she
means well. I just get the feeling I'm being upstaged.
I'm sensitive to being good on the domestic front, and really am
trying to hone my cooking skills. It's clear that my cooking
doesn't stand up to hers. My DH actually groans with pleasure
when we eat at her house (it's extremely unnerving and disgusting
to me, he never moans like that for MY cooking). Does any
one else's MIL do these little kindness', and do you often take
it the wrong way? BTW, DH is an only child in his 40's, and
MIL's a widow. We married just a few years ago (his first,
my second). She still buys his clothes, even socks and underwear.
I really love my MIL, but this just irritates me so I have to sound
off. I like this site. Thanks for reading.
Signed - Dinner Is SERVED!
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
You are going to have to nip this one in the bud or things will
never get better. Since your MIL is apparently reasonable,
explain to her that you appreciate everything she is doing to "help".
Tell her that you understand that it must be very difficult for
her to get used to having someone else do the cooking (and underwear
buying!!) for her son, but it would make you feel good if you, as
his wife, were to take over these duties. Maybe you could
get some recipes and/or cooking tips from her? Being an only
child myself, I know how difficult it can be to get a parent to
recognize you as a "grown up". I know how hard it
is to turn down these "kindness'", thinking they don't
really do any harm, but they DO! Your DH is long overdue to
take on some important aspects of becoming an adult. You should
also discuss this with him and tell him how his "moaning"
makes you feel. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
It sounds like your MIL is still babying her son. I think
you are being a touch sensitive. Her cooking is probably like
comfort food to him because he was raised on it. Don't take
it personally. We all love it when our mothers baby us now
and then, even when we are adults. Would you be as offended
if it was your mother?
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
Can you arrange it so that she can make dinner for you each week
on a set day, or days? It might actually be helpful, if there
are days you're already really busy. That way, she still gets
to cook for you all, yet you're not blindsided by her "gesture"?
And, sorry, but it's a bit weird that she still buys his clothes.
About the groaning over the food, tell him it's rude. He should
compliment both of you, not just her. Even if you're not the
greatest cook, you're his wife, and he should be trying to make
you happy, not annoy you. My MIL did something similar this
Christmas. DH and I live very near my family, and 3 1/2 hours
from his - so we alternate holidays (Thanksgiving here, Christmas
there, Easter here, then we do the opposite the following year).
This year was Christmas with my family, so we invited his family
to our new house to have Christmas with them the week before.
His mom called the week they were coming to ask which of the cookies
she makes that DH likes, did we want her to bring. I tried
to make it clear that I had made plenty of cookies, but I named
one she could bring that he really does like, and I don't make.
Then, DH talked to her and mentioned 2 other kinds to bring.
When they came that weekend, she brought a large plastic container
and a tin FULL OF ALL 12 KINDS OF COOKIES THAT SHE MAKES.
By Sunday, all of her cookies were gone, and mine were still left.
Glad I spent all that time and energy. What makes it even
more frustrating, is that she specifically asked us first, and we
told her exactly what to bring. But, she disregarded it.
Next year, she can do all the cookies, and I'll keep mine at home.
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
Your MIL would annoy me to no end! I'm the one whose own mother
sent us guest towels, a toothbrush holder, etc., that I had told
her not to buy, but she did it anyway. I called her and said,
"We're not keeping it, because you didn't abide by my wishes.
It's going to charity, or I'll send it back - your choice."
Tell your MIL, "I have already bought dinner fixings that won't
keep until later, so you should either freeze your dinner or invite
a neighbor. Sorry. Talk to you tomorrow."
If your husband brings it home, tell him, "The dinner goes
in the garbage or freezer, DH, your choice. You did not consult
me beforehand. I had plans, and spent our money on our dinner,
and this is not your mother's house or kitchen. If you want
to eat with her and eat her food, eat there and sleep there.
If you want to sleep here, then you eat here and you eat my food.
If you don't like my food, then you can cook, or we cook together.
He who complains, cooks - not whines to mom." If you
don't have confidence in your cooking, I really, really recommend
a cookbook called, In and Out of the Kitchen In Fifteen Minutes or Less
by Anne Willan. It's wonderful. I had never cooked much
before, but this eased me into cooking great stuff. And, now
my foodie and fancy-chef wannabe husband thinks I am a fantastic
cook. Also, try the web site epicurious.com.
They have real people who review recipes so that you can get a sense
about how hard something is before you make it. If none of
that works, then you might have to move farther away so that she
can't expect one of you to swing by to pick up food. And,
in the process, maybe set a specific night that you will make the
"trek" to her place for food. But, make it clear
that due to your move, it's not going to happen other nights.
Hopefully, your area's geography will support you moving.
But, this behavior will get worse and worse, and you'll get shut
out more and more. If she's already feeding and dressing your
husband, then she'll start on your house. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
As long as you have a backbone, you should be able to handle this
nicely. As I see it, you have three choices. One:
Take the meals and say nothing. Freeze them when you get home.
Two: Take the meals. Tell MIL that you have already
cooked dinner, but you will put her meals in the freezer to be enjoyed
later. Three: Tell MIL that you already cooked and wanted
her to come over and enjoy your meal. You should be able to
present all of these options in a way that won't hurt MIL's feelings.
You may also want to explain (over and over again) that you are
trying to become a great cook (like she is), and the only way you
can achieve your goal is to practice cooking.
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
I understand why you might feel this way. But, honestly, I'd
have more of a problem with her buying the underwear and socks.
It sounds like DH needs to establish some boundaries with his mother.
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
I was annoyed at your MIL reading your post. So, don't think
you're being unreasonable. I wish your DH would tell her she
should stop buying his socks and underwear! Would he be the
least bit receptive to hearing your feelings about these things?
If I had issues like this with my MIL, my DH would definitely be
hearing about it! I bet my MIL WISHES she could buy my DH
his socks and underwear, but she knows she needs to back off!
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
DH and I belong to different cultures. I am a good cook, but
obviously did not cook the things he grew up eating. He did
not mind that, but I could not stand the way he drooled every time
he ate something his mom cooked. This is what I did.
I learned all his favorite dishes from MIL. She felt extremely
important while teaching me. I was a darn good student.
I cook all those dishes now, only I cook them better than she ever
did. I got recipes written by professional cooks. I
knew the basic technique from her. Now, I just make them better,
because she has been cooking them the same old way for decades,
while I can improvise. Plus, she does not know how to cook
my own ethnic dishes, which DH enjoys. I don't think you are
being ungrateful. These MILs have a way of getting on your
nerves in a million unpleasant ways, and also in some seemingly
pleasant ways. If it irks you, she most likely means to irk
you. Anyway, deal with it one step at a time. The first
step is to learn from her, so that she no longer feels the need
to feed her baby.
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
I would simply tell her that I have dinner already cooking on the
stove. Thank her for the thought. I would not appreciate
my DH enjoying his mother's cooking over mine, either. When
I first got married, DH said he didn't like a certain dinner that
I do like. SO, I decided to make it one day, finding out that
he liked my way of cooking it. He just did not like the way
his mother makes it. We discovered a lot of things like this.
He would also say that I did things the wrong way, because that's
not how his mom did it. I've changed him around, and he has
found that the ways I do some things actually make sense.
Make something for your DH that MIL doesn't. You'll feel better.
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
Ohhhhhhhhhh boy! Beware of the mother who can't cut the apron
strings. It reminds me of a movie I saw once. RUN, GIRL,
RUN!!!!
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
Ooh, I reckon you should throw yourself on her mercy. Tell
her you feel inadequate. It is obvious that she is such a
great cook and mother, etc., etc. Say that you feel it's hard
to follow in her footsteps, but you know you must try. Ask
her for some recipes. Tell her that you'll never be able to
cook the way she does, but you want to be the best wife you can
for your husband. Say that she has great taste in clothes,
and ask where she buys them, because you know a good wife should
buy her DH's stuff. Yes, it's probably slightly insincere,
but it's diplomatic. She may well be lonely, and as a widow
she is closer to her son than she realizes. I'd say that flattering
her, but making it clear you want to take over, should be fairly
well received (if she's normal). This may work, particularly
if you make it clear that she is very welcome in your lives, so
that she doesn't have to "hang on" to her son.
RESPONSE: Dinner Is SERVED!
The problem may be (I'm no expert, though) that she is a widow,
and he is an only child. So, what else does she have for a
life? Any hobbies? Friends? Church or social clubs?
Probably not much, or not enough other interests in life.
I know the same "dinner trick". If dinner is ready
NOW, it could be that she feels this is the only way to get a visit
from you or DH (without you forgetting or postponing). Just
a way to get attention maybe? It is really sad if this is
the case, and try to have compassion. But, if she is obsessive,
I'd start to hand her some literature (i.e., upcoming events in
the entertainment section of the newspaper, etc.). Kind of
like a hint to "get a life". But, if she treats
you, DW, with respect, and is kind, I'd try to bear with her (keeping
in mind that she may just be lonely).
My MIL is downright nuts!!!!
I knew she was from the day I met her, but I tolerate it and don't
put up with any of her stuff. She's a big time closet drinker,
and is hooked on who knows how many different prescription drugs.
She'd been living with the same man for 18 years (who is basically
my wife's stepfather). But, he would never marry her, because
she would never get help with her drinking and drug problems.
He finally had enough, and decided to kick her out of HIS house
(his house, because she's ruined her credit). Well, she got
seriously depressed, and threatened suicide to my wife and her long
time boyfriend. Unfortunately, my wife had to get involved
at that point. She intervened and tried to get her involuntarily
committed into a rehab program. My MIL flipped out and assaulted
both of them, and was then arrested by the state police. Of
course, she blamed her misery and arrest on my wife and the MIL's
boyfriend. She was committed for a month. While she
was away, my wife and the boyfriend moved all of her stuff into
storage while he got a restraining order against her. Once
she got out, she pretended that everything was okay, and nothing
ever happened. But, she is still drinking and using the pills.
She is talking to the long time boyfriend again, but plays it off
to us like he's the one that calls her. We know better, because
we still talk to him, and he's a little more believable than she
is. The long time boyfriend tells me, now, about how the MIL
always talked about what a loser I was, and how her daughter could've
done much better. It is funny, because I have a good paying
career, my own house, credit, and I don't use alcohol or drugs (better
off than she is), but she calls me a "Loser". Also,
when my wife and I got married, the MIL didn't even help us pay
for our wedding (even though she offered to "help").
The MIL arranged the photographer on her own account, and was supposed
to pay for the pictures afterward. Well, the wedding photographer
called us 2 months later, and said that my MIL bounced the check,
and he wondered if I could pay instead (which I did). And,
my MIL still acts proud, and tells everyone that she paid for the
wedding photos. And, to top it off, she told my mom that she
would split the catering cost with her. And, of course my
mom never saw a penny from the MIL, and had to pay the full amount.
I could go on and on about all the crazy stuff my MIL has pulled
thus far. It would end up being a book. My wife and
I never let her watch our kids, and we'd never live within forty
miles of her, because we know what she's capable of.
Signed - MIL Is Downright
Nuts!!!
I happened to catch part of Oprah today with Dr.
Phil. A young couple, soon to be married, asked him how
to handle to groom-to-be's parents. Apparently, if the wedding
ceremony is not of a certain religion, the groom's parents will
not only not attend the ceremony, but the FFIL has threatened
to kill himself. Dr. Phil's response to the couple:
"Tell them that you'll miss his parents at the wedding.
If you cave in now, you'll be caving in for the rest of your lives."
Hopefully, many of those who write in frequently saw the episode.
Signed - Don't Cave
In
RESPONSE: Don't Cave In
I saw that episode, and was happy that I did the right thing when
I visited the ILs. I stood firm on certain things.
The firm things were my personal life, not their damn business.
So, now I am the bad person. Lately, I had been feeling
that maybe I should have done what they wanted me to do, and made
our life simpler and happier. But, after seeing the episode,
I think differently. Thanks for Dr. Phil.
RESPONSE: Don't Cave In
I thought that killing yourself was against most religions.
I wouldn't cave either. My MIL threatened that if I didn't
have my wedding in a church, she and no one else from her family
would come. I thought, "Great!" I had my
wedding outside. And, wouldn't you know that she and the
rest of the family came and was amazed at how nice it was.
Stick to your guns. Don't ever cave!
RESPONSE: Don't Cave In
That is so true!! Once you start letting the MIL, or whatever
in-law, walk all over you, it's next to impossible to stop it.
We had to cut ours completely out of our life to finally get some
peace.
RESPONSE: Don't Cave In
Religion or not, that is just plain sick. What kind of parent
does that? Is it their wedding? I don't think so.
They are seriously disturbed. I hope the freak does not
carry it out. Though, if my father threatened that, I'd
never speak to him again. Luckily, this is incredibly unlikely.
I feel for those people.
RESPONSE: Don't Cave In
How true! The first time DH and I were tested was when his
brother called our house after a large family gathering.
He told my husband that I said something (trivial) that had offended
him. BIL didn't even have the testicles to speak to me.
He preferred to attack my religion, my family, everything about
me, to DH. DH was standing at the phone dumbfounded - and
apologizing!!! Then, I slipped DH a note that read, "YOU
WEAK, FEEBLE SOB - BE A MAN ABOUT IT! Well, after the proper
instructions that I shouldn't have had to write out for him, DH
called BIL a few choice words, and told him to never call here
again. We haven't seen or heard from him since - 3 years
now. I knew that if we EVER started down the path of letting
anyone put each other down, we'd have a lifetime of it.
This incident also set the example for the rest of the family.
They know our rule number 1 - speak ill of my spouse and you're
out of our lives. Period.
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