Another poster mentioned
that her MIL cries to get her way. Mine does too! What
is WITH that? My DH needed his dad to go with him to pick
up some things at the nearby home improvement store. They
had a tiny, tiny car. They were only going to be gone for
an hour. My DH told my MIL (I wasn't there) that maybe just
he and my FIL should go, and that they'd be right back! She
burst into tears and threw a tantrum about being left home alone
(for a frickin HOUR, cheese and CRACKERS!) until she got her way
- and poor DH was crunched up in the back seat with all the lumber.
What's with the crying, and how can we deal with that? Any
suggestions?
Signed - Annoyed About
The Crocodile Tears!
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
Oh boy, those fake tears make me want to cringe, too! My mom
was doing the "boo-hoo-hoo, poor me" thing, and I caught
her peeking out from behind her hands to see how I was reacting!
My only reaction was to tell her that we'd discuss it after she
calmed down. You CANNOT give her the response she wants (guilt
and apologies) or she'll never stop. Remain calm, but tell
her firmly that her reaction is inappropriate, and you'll talk about
it some other time. Then, change the subject. Repeat
as necessary. If you can't get her to stop behaving like a
toddler throwing a tantrum, end the call/leave her house.
Once she sees she can't get her way by acting like this, she may
stop. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
As with a child, IGNORE her tantrums and crying, and tell your husband
to do the same before you see her again. She got her way that
time, and she now knows that it works. So, don't give in.
Period. My MIL used to cry to get her way, and I laughed out
loud and said, "Are you for real?" It worked, and
she didn't use that technique again (though she tried others - including
FAINTING, secretly CANCELING OUR RETURN FLIGHT HOME then denying
it, pretending to have a GRAVE ILLNESS, etc.).
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
IF they (MILS) are going to act like children, treat them like it.
If you give into a crying child every time, they are going to learn
that this kind of behavior works. Don't give in. Let
her sulk. You know from experience that it is going to end
the minute you leave.
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
Here's an idea! My MIL does the croc tears sometimes, so I've
started a new and fun little activity. I do the croc tears
myself, and I ALWAYS CRY LOUDER AND LONGER THAN SHE DOES!!!!
I OUTCRY THAT B!TCH EVERY TIME!! And I always have a great
reason to cry because, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody
happy!" You know, it just breaks my sweet little heart
when momma cries. It just makes me cry too!! Of course,
a tear never falls from my eyes, but what makes it even more fun
is that I can be MORE theatrical than she can, and so disgustingly
obvious!!! If you can't be this bold, how about doing some
yawning and stretching while she cries - like you're so disinterested,
not paying attention to her, bored, etc. I wish you luck.
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
Deal with tantrums the same way you would a two year old.
Once you've ascertained it is a tantrum, ignore it. What will
happen is, as always, the volume will go up and up, as will the
spite and all the other stuff. Ignore it. Continue to
ignore it. If you have to respond - laugh or walk out, or
both. Laughter is probably better. There's nothing worse,
if you are trying to be super scary, than to have someone laughing
at you. If you want to be really brave, try having a "who
can throw the worse tantrum" competition (I occasionally do
this with my kids for a bit of variation). Absolutely don't,
don't, don't give in ever, ever, ever. All that does is reinforce
the behavior. The message to her is "this will not work".
Be prepared to do this several times before it sinks in. Remember
that tantrum throwers have a mental age of less than 5. So
treat them like that.
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
The desired impact of these crying hissy fits (sympathy and attention)
progressively declines the more they occur.
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
Get up and walk away, or try to distract her with innocuous conversation.
Do it calmly, but make it clear that everything will be fine and
she is not left out. Treat her like the child she is imitating
through her behavior. Show her that her game is not permitted,
but do it gently. Depending on the situation or her reaction,
do it gently with words and actions. Or, do it just with actions,
and repeat it every single time she pulls this nonsense. Obviously,
she has behaved like this for a while, and has been allowed to behave
like this, and that's the problem right there. My MIL did
that every time I called her on her nonsense or she wasn't getting
her way with one of her 6 kids. My DH and I learned to just
get up and walk out. She would flip out at her house with
everyone there for full effect, and then she would run to the bathroom,
probably hoping someone would try to tell her that she was right,
and whoever was wrong. I finally just got up, signaled to
DH that it was time to go, and we went. This did not sit well
with MIL or the other sibs, but so what? I knew this was just
a game and so did they, but they let her continue it, and I wouldn't
play along. I wasn't mean about it, but I was clear that we
had to be moving along. I also found that the only person
the sibs would listen to was DH, not me. So, I'm a big meany.
It is a small price to pay for control over your life. Above
all, don't let it come between the two of you. Learn to laugh
at her behavior, as it is truly juvenile.
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
Thank GOD my FMIL does not do that. She does pout or stay
pissed off though, if she doesn't get her way. I say that
you should just ignore it and go on with what you decided.
Let her throw her temper tantrum. If our MILs want to act
like two year olds and throw two year old tantrums, let them - and
let them show their @ss. What would you do with your two year
old if he/she threw a tantrum? Treat your MIL like a two year
old then. You can't reason with a two year old, and you can't
reason with a MIL. Just ignore it, and her, and go on.
She will realize she is not getting the attention and pampering
she wants, and will end up quitting. Now, to train our DHs
to do this - hmmmm.
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
I swear, you could be writing about my situation! My MIL is
EXACTLY like yours - she cries for the smallest things. It's
really terrible. She even has a reputation (in her own family)
for being a "cry baby", as she bawls so often - at the
drop of a hat. Don't get me wrong, I understand that we all
need to cry once in a while, but my MIL cries over anything and
everything. I'm serious! I know that if it were my MIL
in your situation, she would do the exact same thing. She
uses the excuse of just being "sensitive", but how the
he!! can one be "sensitive" about everything? It
really irritates me. She uses the crying thing like some sort
of blackmail over her family. DH and I live overseas, and
it's really upsetting for him, as she phones almost every day and
cries for no reason. Even when we're on holiday and staying
with her and FIL, she cries for nothing. She admits that there's
nothing wrong, and uses the excuse of sensitivity over and over
again. Sometimes I just want to slap her and tell her to SHUT
UP. She also uses the crying thing to ruin every outing that
we have. Just when everyone's enjoying themselves, she'll
start crying for no good reason. Of course, everyone has to
stop what they're doing to fuss over her. When asked about
what made her cry, she sometimes even admits that it was nothing
- she just had a "sensitive moment". It really annoys
the cr@p out of me, and it's also totally embarrassing - a lot of
people know what she's like (even people in her immediate family),
and it's become some sort of a joke between them. My parents
and family also think she's weird, as she's done the crying thing
so many times. To make matters worse, she's a total hypochondriac
- always using her imaginary "illnesses" as an excuse
to get her way. If you want to cry for no good reason, then
fine, do that. But I have a real problem when MIL uses it
to be the center of attention and to get her own away! I have
so many examples of outings that have been ruined because of her
incessant sniveling. But, if I continue, this post would be
terribly long. I think it's really cruel and mean to do that
to DH. It makes him worry in order for her to get her way
on an issue (by turning on the waterworks). I know how it
upsets DH to see her do that, and it takes me a long time to coax
him out of his sadness when she does that. It makes me mad!!!!
Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this situation without
being made out to be the insensitive and mean DIL?
RESPONSE: Annoyed About The Crocodile Tears!
My MIL used to do that, too. It would drive me crazy!!!
Often, she would cry, but sometimes she would beg, whine, nag, b!tch,
or whatever, without the tears, too. I repeatedly told DH,
for years, that she should be treated like a child if she was going
to act like one. For example: She would beg him to come
"home" (her house) every weekend (we live 3 hours away)
and whine, cry, beg, plead, and call 6 or 7 times during the week
trying to lay a guilt trip on him until he gave in. Sometimes,
she'd call 3 or 4 times a day if we hadn't visited in a few weeks.
For goodness sake, we were going to see her and FIL about every
three weeks, which is pretty often, to go out of town for the weekend
when you have jobs, a social life, and a home to take care of (no
kids yet, guess why: MIL). And, sometimes, they'd come
to our house for the weekend in between. They also have another
child they see fairly often. He'd tell her why we couldn't
come (housework, regular work, relaxation, other plans, etc.), and
she'd lay on guilt trip after guilt trip until she got her way,
or until he felt really guilty and horrible for not giving in.
I told him she's just like a bratty kid that cries for a toy in
the store and then throws herself on the ground screaming when she
doesn't get her way. I said that when you give in, she learns
that she can use this immature behavior to get her way and control
you. I said that she needs to learn to only ask once whether
we are coming to visit. Then, if she asks again, he should
tell her calmly that he already gave her his answer, and that she
should respect his decision and not ask again. Then, if she
asks a third time, he should tell her he's hanging up because she
doesn't respect him. If she calls back and asks one more time,
he should tell her that he will change our phone number and she
will not be given the new number for 6 months. Well, her behavior
over the years became unbearable, and really interfered with us
having our own lives, even when we were hours away during the weekdays
and she wasn't around. So, DH finally decided to do it, even
though he felt uncomfortable. As usual, days after we had
just visited her, she started calling and nagging about the next
weekend visit. She started going into her whiny, guilt-trip-laying
behavior when she called. Here are some of the things she
said: "Don't you miss me? I miss you already.
I guess I just care more about you than you care about me."
Or, "I see, you'd rather spend time with your friends this
weekend than with your own mother. I guess you're just all
grown up now, and you don't need your old mother anymore - after
all I've done for you." And, "I just want to spend
time with you. I'm getting older, and I don't have that many
years left on this earth (she's a very healthy 59)."
And, when she called back a second time to whine and ask him if
we were coming "home", he said, "I warned you about
asking again. Now I'm hanging up. If you call back to
nag me about visiting this weekend, I'm changing my number and you
won't get the new number for 6 months." He could hear
her whining as he hung up the phone. She called back immediately
to protest and whine, and he told her we were changing our phone
number. And we did it that week. We didn't give it to
her for 8 months (longer than the 6 month time period we had originally
discussed, because MIL kept being an a$$). We visited them
about 6 weeks after we changed our phone number (longer than our
usual interval between visits, because MIL was abusive). In
the meantime, DH had total control over the phone calls, since he
could call her, but she couldn't call him. Of course, it wasn't
easy. She was very pi$$ed that we did that. But, when
she became abusive, whiny, naggy, or cried, DH calmly spoke to her
like a child, and explained that she should respect his decisions.
If she continued being abusive or whiny when he called, he calmly
told her he was hanging up. Then, he did so, if she didn't
shut her pie whole. Then, he wouldn't call back for a week
or two. She cried when we first went to her house after we
changed our phone number (boo, hoo, hoo - "I don't even have
my own son's phone number. Excuse me for caring too much,
etc."). We calmly watched her, and didn't respond with
pity or sympathy. DH calmly told her that she brought it on
herself. Finally, like magic, she shut up for a few minutes
in shock!!! When she realized she wasn't going to get a bunch
of pity and sympathy, she stopped crying crocodile tears.
Of course, then she got pi$$Ed again and yelled at us for about
10 minutes. DH and I calmly left her house. We gave
her the number to the motel we were going to, and said that she
should call if, and only if, she was ready to sincerely apologize.
She did not, so we went home the next day, and didn't see or speak
to her for 3 months. Finally, she sent a letter of apology,
since she did not have our phone number. And, she managed
to act better the next time we saw her. Finally, we gave her
our new number, but we warned her not to abuse it and call us all
the time to nag, whine, cajole, or b!tch. Of course, this
has not solved everything. She is still annoying to no end,
and likes to nail herself to the cross once in a while. She
still does a variety of other evil things. However, DH has
gotten much better about handling her behavior, and she doesn't
have the same control over him by using her emotional tantrums and
histrionics the way she used to. We also visit less often.
Sorry this was such a long response. Believe me, I could write
a book. I do identify with your pain. It's a shame that
DH and I had to discipline a grown woman like a two year old, but
that's what it came down to for us. Good luck to you!
Worst gift: Worst gift?
Ha! How about no gift. My husband and I went to his
mother's house for Christmas. Everyone in the family had about
20-25 gifts to open - and me, not a one! Not one! Okay,
if she didn't want to buy me one, fine. She could have at
least bought something for our house, since we just got married
five months ago. Even some $20 wine glasses would have been
something.
Signed - How About No
Gift
RESPONSE: How About No Gift
Until you start receiving gifts from your ILs, your husband is responsible
for doing ALL of the gift shopping. I would also tell him
why he is doing the shopping. If he drops the ball, DON'T
pick it up. Let him suffer the consequences.
RESPONSE: How About No Gift
That is HORRIBLE!!! I cannot believe how cold and callous
your MIL was by not getting you even one gift! I hope your
husband pulled her aside later and blasted her. There is NO
excuse for that, and you have every right to not want to ever spend
a Xmas again with that witchy MIL of yours!!
RESPONSE: How About No Gift
Next year, return the favor and don't get her any gifts. Plain
and simple.
I have been married for
over 3 years. We have a DD, who is my MIL's 1st grandchild.
My problem is that my MIL is very controlling with my husband, and
now with my DD. We live over 2000 miles away, but we will
be moving closer soon. I do not know what to say or how to
react when she disrespects me as a wife and as a mother. She
tells my husband that we are doing things or going places (w/o asking
my or his advice). She insist that my DD spends every summer
with her, and that every time SIL comes to visit, she is to bring
my DD. I am getting very nervous about moving closer to her,
and would like some advice on a respectable way to respond to MIL.
Signed - Please Help
RESPONSE: Please Help
The problem with "respectable ways" is that manipulative,
nasty people will use your desire for respectability to protect
themselves. The first thing you need to do is to find out
how your husband feels about it all. You say she's controlling
- well, does he like it, loathe it, or give in to it neutrally?
First level stuff is to say things like, "It really hurts me
when you say unpleasant things like that." You could
get a variety of responses. Common ones include: "It's
a joke," - well it isn't funny. "Don't be so sensitive,"
- I'm not sensitive, you are being unpleasant. Redefinition
- "I REALLY meant," - no, what you said was X. Revenge
- "Well you said X " - No, I'm talking about what you
said. Of course, this may not work, depending on the MIL.
So, you then have to decide how far you are prepared to go down
the "getting cross" line. If you do take this approach,
don't lose your cool. Disrespecting as a wife or a mother
are rather different. My MIL says nasty things about me, and,
frankly I don't give a stuff what she says about anything.
But, if she started using my children as a weapon, I would go down
her throat - probably literally. Regarding going places and
your daughter's visits, you have to learn to say, "No,"
and stick to it through all the tantrums/whining/manipulation or
whatever. There's no other way.
RESPONSE: Please Help
Don't move closer. Find another way. As for your DD
visiting every summer, no way! She's absurd. I think
your DD wouldn't appreciate it, either. The one thing I hated
growing up was that my parents were divorced, and I had to spend
every summer with my father who lived 1,000 miles away. I
didn't get to be with my friends, which really stunk. I'm
sure you'd like to spend the summer with your DD. She had
her kids. If she wants more, let her adopt. Learn the
words "No, thank you". Good luck.
RESPONSE: Please Help
I think you are headed for BIG trouble by moving closer to your
MIL. While I respect your desire to try and be nice to her
by setting down limits for your MIL once you are closer to her,
I still think you should be prepared for BIG problems. She
sounds VERY controlling, and it is very rare for old dogs to learn
new tricks! I think you need your husband's support 100%,
and you have to have him talk to her first. If that doesn't
do it, then you will have to speak up. But, no matter what,
DO NOT let her run all over you. You will end up miserable,
depressed, and perhaps divorced, if you let her control your life!
Good luck!
RESPONSE: Please Help
The answer "No" does not need any explanation, and your
MIL does not deserve an explanation with her "no".
RESPONSE: Please Help
You know, you don't have to do ANYTHING that woman wants.
You say that she insists that your child spend every summer with
her? Tell her, "NO, I'm afraid that's out of the question."
If she asks, "WHY?", dismiss it as ridiculous and tell
her, "No offense, but you're meddling too much in our lives.
Nobody sends their child away for 3 months in the summer, not even
for summer camp!" A great technique is to ask questions
that focus on her life: Ask, "Aren't you seeing anyone
yet?", if she's unmarried, or, "Aren't there any clubs
in your area to join, with people your age and interests?"
In other words, tell her to GET A LIFE. I'd also ask her if
she doled out her son, your husband, for 3 months every summer to
HER MIL. Put your foot down. If there's a rupture, so
what? Which is worth more? Putting your foot down and
not letting her take over your lives NOW, or living your entire
lives as a couple and family with this third party? Discuss
it with your husband. Tell him you're not interested in moving
closer if HE - yes HE - allows her to keep butting into your lives.
Discuss possible solutions with him BEFORE you make your move.
RESPONSE: Please Help
Say, "NO!"
I think I am one of those
people resented by certain others (my MIL and SIL, for starters)
as being someone who "doesn't want to do anything for anybody"
(just like the 86 year old MIL who was written about in a recent
story). But, there are two sides to every story. I have
done a great deal more for my SIL (traveling to other states to
do so) than I have ever asked her to do for me, yet it's never enough.
She totally takes it for granted, and is bitchy and unappreciative,
even when I've gone to a lot of trouble to do what she asks/wants.
I constantly feel an attitude of angry resentment from her that
I just don't do MORE for her. Her side of the story is surely
that her relatives (not just me, but also her own mother and sister)
just aren't THERE for her the way she wants, and that we are not
willing to do enough for others. I'm sure she can't possibly
see this, but her demands are so extreme. I'm sure she thinks
that what she wants from us is just what family "SHOULD"
do for each other. She probably thinks it's because we are
so stingy with our time and energy that "we wonder why 'people'
(read: her!) aren't nice to us". But, our side
of the story is that she is a perpetually demanding, resentful,
critical person. And, to have any contact with her is so demoralizing.
Her own mother refuses to do what my SIL demands, and I think that's
great. She doesn't let her daughter get her down. And,
boy, does my SIL complain about her mother!! Nobody could
ever do enough to please my SIL, although my own mother tries hardest
of all! She has done AMAZING things to be there for my SIL
- traveling to other states on a moment's notice, and never saying
no to my SIL's requests and demands! But, do you think my
SIL is loyal to my mother? No, she makes some picky, unflattering
remarks about her, too. Frankly, I wish my SIL well, but would
need a prescription for Valium if she lived nearby. Just thinking
about her upsets and depresses me. And, right now I'm just
working on not thinking about her. She doesn't realize that
she's doing this, but, basically, she tries to run other people's
lives. And, it is utterly impossible to please her.
Yet, if you met her, you'd think she was lovely - she IS lovely.
I guess nobody's perfect. But few relationships in my life
are as deeply upsetting as the one I have with her. I'm sure
she doesn't realize how hurtful her behavior is. She thinks
OUR behavior is hurtful because we don't do the things she wants
us to do for her. It's just that there are two sides to it,
and maybe they can't ever be reconciled. Some people feel
hurt and angry because others don't do "enough" for them,
and THOSE people feel hurt and angry because the others seem so
demanding, resentful, and critical. It would be a miracle
if we could work all this stuff out, wouldn't it?
Signed - Hard To Be Hopeful
RESPONSE: Hard To Be Hopeful
I'm not quite sure what you are upset about. She sounds like
a totally controlling person to me. A spoilt child who expects
everyone to run around the way she wants. Controlling people
can be quite good at being charming, but it isn't real. It's
just a way of hooking someone else in to be controlled. What
she seems to be complaining about (as far as I can see) is that
you won't do it. Well, good for you! If she doesn't
like the work and effort you put in, don't do it anymore.
To be honest, I suspect you cannot win. Whatever you do will
be insufficient. All the stuff about "not doing things
for people", and "what families do" is just manipulative
guilt. The message: You aren't being a proper family
member if you don't do what I say when I say it. So, leave
it like that. If she's hurt (let me guess, a long whiny tearful
complaint about how bad/awful everything and everyone is), let her
be hurt. You have not hurt her, nor has anyone else.
She's responsible for her own feelings of hurt. You can't
win them all.
RESPONSE: Hard To Be Hopeful
Well, be hopeful: A great technique I've found to short-circuit
folks like your SIL is to simply say, "You know, it seems we
can't ever do enough for you, so we'll simply do nothing for you
anymore. And, perhaps you'll realize, in time, that something
was better than nothing. When you decide to change your attitudes
and demands, get back in touch with us. BYE!" If
nothing else, this will open lines of communication. She,
like many of these IL's on this site, needs to GET A LIFE.
RESPONSE: Hard To Be Hopeful
After my FIL passed, his GF, who is hated by FIL's entire family,
called my house looking for sympathy. I HATE this woman.
She called me to complain that my ILs don't respect her. And,
she said that when FIL's family gets to heaven, we'll all have to
answer for our behavior to her. To make a long story short,
GF is selfish. She expected my FIL to pay for EVERYTHING.
Now that he is gone, she expect my ILs to pay for EVERYTHING (including
her living expenses). I very kindly, but firmly, told her
she is not due all of the respect she thinks she deserves.
I also told her that there were reasons why I did not like her,
and then very gently laid the reasons out. I also told her
that if she wanted a relationship with us, she was going to have
to change. The decision was hers. GF later told my DH
that she appreciated the conversation because she did not know why
we all dislike her greatly. However, she still has not changed
her behavior.
RESPONSE: Hard To Be Hopeful
Have you ever read Atlas Shrugged?! It's a book about what
would happen if every normal, intelligent person had to devote their
life to doing as much as they could for incompetent people (often
in their own families). In the end, the competent people stop
doing things for other people, develop their own secluded paradise,
and leave their whining friends and family to ruin the earth!
Okay, so it's kind of a weird book, but the moral is good:
STOP devoting your precious time and energy to your SIL. She
doesn't appreciate it. Plus, think of the things you could
be doing for yourself and your DH!
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