Worst gift: One summer
day, my MIL and FIL were over visiting. When MIL finished
using our washroom, she sheepishly came out and apologized for accidentally
breaking the toilet seat. Sure enough, the next time I went
to the bathroom, I noticed that there was a huge crack in the seat.
Needless to say, it pinched my butt so hard it made me scream!
Of course, my MIL thought that was funny to hear screams coming
from my bathroom (sick, warped sense of humor). We ended up
going out a couple of days later and buying a new padded toilet
seat for obvious reasons. Anyway, that was summer. I
will give you one guess what I got for Christmas that year!
I guess she thought it only seemed right to replace my toilet seat,
since she was the one who broke it! And, how timely - only
6 months after she broke ours. Yes, she wrapped me up some
cheap, white, hard toilet seat and thought it was the most thoughtful
thing she had ever done. At least it still had the plastic
wrap on it so I knew it was not used - nothing would have surprised
me.
Signed - DIL With Extra
(ugly) Toilet Seat
RESPONSE: DIL With Extra (ugly) Toilet Seat
Obviously, the thing to do is to use the new toilet seat to frame
a photo of your mother-in-law.
RESPONSE: DIL With Extra (ugly) Toilet Seat
I must say, that's one of the funniest stories I've ever heard!
You should buy her a toilet lid cover with her picture printed on
it next Christmas! Of course, if she's that tacky, she'd probably
love it!
Angry. For those
of you who know Fred and I, you will have recognized our progress
over the last few months. DH has come a long way in understanding.
We have been to counseling together and apart. Our trust is
building up every day. We didn't go to MIL for Xmas, which
was a huge step forward. We went to counseling together yesterday,
and I still managed to cry. I feel such anger towards this
woman. I feel angry about all the things she has said and
done in the last 13 years. I feel angry that I never stood
up to her. I feel mad about the way she has compared our children.
I feel angry for the way she has treated Fred. I am furious
with her for blaming me, when I know that I'm not to blame.
I was crying with pure anger!!! How do I leave this behind?????
How do I move forward from this enraged state? I can't seem
to forget it all. The counselor said that I'm giving this
woman too much power. She's right. I know she is right,
but I just don't know how to not be angry at all the horrible, nasty,
underhanded behavior of the past years. Help!!!!!
Signed - H
RESPONSE: H
You're to be congratulated for going to counseling. I admire
you for taking that step. I am NOT a mental health expert
or counselor, but I can honestly tell you that I've had to work
through bitterness, even feelings of hatred. I knew these
feelings were destroying me, and would take a toll on my marriage,
eventually. I PRAYED, AND PRAYED, AND PRAYED. Your religious
beliefs are none of my business - religion is a highly personal
matter - but prayer has helped me. I don't feel all the bitterness
anymore. I don't know if it's because my prayers were answered
("God, please remove these feelings from my heart"), or
if just BELIEVING that prayer would change things (some call it
faith, some may call it placebo effect) made it happen!!!
I hope this helps. You will be in my prayers (I hope you don't
mind), and I wish you the best.
RESPONSE: H
I can't possibly know what you went through, but I can only draw
on the 8 years of spiteful comments, psychological manipulation
and nonsense my MIL committed even before we were married.
I finally confronted her in August, 3 months after we were married,
and she hit me for it. This showed me just how sick this woman
is. If your husband does not realize how screwed up your MIL
is, then you have a long way to go. But, by bringing her behavior
into conversation without humor and pity toward a fellow adult who
is so sick, then, yes, you are giving her too much power.
Look at her behavior at a distance, and realize that she is just
insecure. And, since you are still married and in therapy,
you must have at least some level of security - clearly more than
she has, since you have been together for so long. Don't worry
about her. My MIL tried to tell my DH that I was a bitch,
and she even called me one in public in front of the neighbors.
Next, she "discovered" that she was dying (imminently)
from cancer, and this was 7 years ago. And, the "I'm
dying, why aren't you here" calls happened every day for months.
Never mind the way the visits dropped when she apparently felt that
I wasn't being the perfect host, or the "I've just brought
home groceries. When DH comes home, have him come over and
put them away" call. She had 4 other sons and a daughter,
3 of whom were living at home. She's a flaming nut.
It's not you, it's her. Let go of her and get your own life.
Do not bring her up in conversation, email, writing - nothing.
She is nothing if she does not exist to you.
RESPONSE: H
By being angry, you give her power. You are giving her power
over your own feelings. What's done is done. Unfortunately,
you're stuck with it. But, this doesn't mean you have to forgive
her, or even tolerate her. If you have to tolerate, be distant.
This scares the wits out of my MIL far more than being cross does.
They actually hide from me now when they visit (literally).
My pet solution to dealing with angers arising from past, and hence
unchangeable events, is the concept of imagining each anger feeling
as a paper token, then I image flinging them into the fire.
It works for me!
RESPONSE: H
I wonder if it would help you to write your MIL a letter.
I'm not saying you have to send it. But you could write to
her and tell her how angry you are and how you feel about the way
she has treated you, Fred, and the children. If you someday
feel that you want to send it, great. If you don't, that's
fine too. But I think just writing it down and saying these
things to her on paper might just help you. You might want
to take your letter and have a kind of ceremony - toss it in the
ocean as a symbolic gesture (as if you are tossing your MIL out
of your life, or something to that effect). I understand your
anger, H. I have had the same rage towards my ILs, and my
therapist told me the same thing. I was letting them have
way too much power. You could even write a letter to your
MIL on the Open Letter section on the message board. Sometimes,
just getting it out is the first step towards getting rid of the
anger and hurt. You'd be surprised how the little things,
like writing a letter or punching a pillow while you tell your MIL
what you really think of her, can help you let go. Hang in
there H, it will get better. You are definitely headed in
the right direction.
This is just one of the
many little annoyances that drive me crazy about my MIL. Please
let me know whether I am being petty, or if my anger is justified.
My DH recently appeared in a news segment for our local TV station.
It was a brief clip regarding local news. The segment hadn't
even ended (11:00 news, mind you), but DH's part was finished -
and then the phone rang. Didn't this woman think that just
maybe, as his wife, I might have had something that I wanted to
say to DH about this? Furthermore, I had wanted to hear what
the other people had to say on the matter, but that was interrupted
by the phone ringing (so that she could gush and praise her darling
little boy - uh, who, by the way, is 32). I am sure I am blowing
this all out of proportion, but I swear that she just gushes over
anything he does (like he is 2 and just went wee-wee in the big
toilet for the first time). Any thoughts or suggestions??
Signed - She Puts The
Mother In Smother
RESPONSE: She Puts The Mother In Smother
It is simple - don't answer the phone. My husband and I got
into a pattern of ignoring the phone (especially early morning calls),
as it was often MIL. I think she has gotten the hint now.
RESPONSE: She Puts The Mother In Smother
I understand how you would feel about your MIL gushing over your
husband. However, I would love it if my MIL would show some
interest, ANY interest, in my DH!! My husband is the youngest
of 4 kids. He has 2 older sisters, and my MIL gushes over
the stupidest, smallest things they do. Yet, my husband gets
no accolades at all for ANYTHING from my MIL. Of course, she
never has anything nice to say about our 3 kids or me either!
One time, years ago, I told my MIL that my husband had received
a great review at work. Instead of acknowledging what I had
said (I thought it would be okay to brag about my husband because
I was talking about HER son!), my MIL immediately launched into
the great job review my husband's sister received at work.
I wouldn't have minded hearing about my SIL's job review.
All my MIL had to do first was say something like, "Oh, that's
great," about my husband's job review BEFORE launching into
the news about her daughter's job review. I wish that ONE
time my MIL would act as if she was proud of my husband. It
is almost like she doesn't care that much about my husband.
Her favoritism towards her daughters is VERY blatant. Luckily,
my husband can't stand his mom (although he is always cordial to
her) and doesn't care what she thinks or says anymore. But,
still, I think it would be nice if once in a great while, my awful
MIL acted like a normal mom. I think your MIL may go overboard,
but at least she seems to care about your husband!
RESPONSE: She Puts The Mother In Smother
I wrote in before, but I just read your post again and see your
concern about whether your anger is justified. Your MIL sounds
exactly like mine, and I also wonder if my anger is justified.
I am sure your anger IS understandable - I know I would understand
it! So please don't feel alone. I think I owe it to
her (and to myself), however, to try to be polite, kind, and pleasant
when I have to deal with her (which I do as little as possible!!).
Even though, secretly, she drives me up the wall! I regret
the times I have shown my anger to her, which I think I've done
at least twice, just by being kind of curt and rude when she requested
something. I regret those times. But I am glad for every
time I simultaneously managed to be polite and set boundaries.
Does your MIL smother both you and your DH with advice, etc.?
Mine is essentially an ok person (just normal, not some evil psychopath!),
but I have been incredibly sore at her, sometimes, for her know-it-all,
nosy, coy, overbearing way (long story - and I've told lots of those
stories on this site!!). But, I'm glad we can still get along
when we see each other (knock on wood!). One thing that helps
me deal with her and other "difficult people" is to plan
what I'm going to say in response to their intrusiveness.
I actually write it out and memorize it. My DH says he wishes
more MILs were like my mother. She's affectionate, but not
all smothering, gushing, and intrusive. She adores my husband,
but she BUTTS OUT of our business! In fact, when she and my
husband get together, they both pick on me (not mean, just funny)
and they have a wonderful time! When we get together with
my HUSBAND's mother, though, she's happy to tease and laugh at ME,
but she gushes adoringly over her son. It IS annoying!
RESPONSE: She Puts The Mother In Smother
Ha, ha!! Can we TALK??? She sounds exactly like MY MIL!
Every little thing my DH does (he is the same age as yours) prompts
her to gush, "Oh, that's so WONNNNDERFUL!!!" Or,
if he shows her something really hideous, like a picture of "Rat
Fink," she gushes, "Ohhhh, that's so CUUUUTTTE!"
She is always gushing over him (at the expense of me, sometimes).
He's not some little four-year-old boy who needs his self-esteem
shored up, for crying out loud!
For 13 years my MIL has
been the most domineering, self-centered witch I've ever met.
On our wedding day, she invited all of her friends to what was supposed
to be a small wedding. To top that off, she held up the entire
wedding up for 10 minutes so that she could make her grand entrance.
Our minister, who told me that this woman was known around the church
as a "clingy" mother, had a special sermon with her in
mind. Unfortunately, due to her delaying tactics and the minister
having a funeral to attend right after our wedding, he had to cut
the ceremony to a much shorter and more generic topic. When
my husband lost his job in 1992, we lost everything. My MIL
agreed to rent us a house next door to her that she had inherited
from her mother. She had charged us what she had charged previous
tenants, and came over frequently to criticize my housekeeping,
etc. I was never late with the rent, but that didn't stop
her from calling 3 days ahead of time to remind me. Heck,
I was never late with any of our bills before disaster hit, but
that doesn't count in her book. Her daughter had lived with
my MIL for most of her 48 years, rent/board-free, responsibility-free,
etc. My SIL slept until noon, and worked when she felt like
earning money to go on exotic trips. My husband was treated
like the gardener/handyman on call, and I was treated like the maid
whenever I went next door. She would call me at work and complain
if all of the blinds in our house weren't straight. After
working all day, she'd greet me at my front door and demand to know
what I had bought if I arrived home with a package (e.g., toilet
tissue on sale) in my hand. Then, she'd inform me that I was
a terrible money manager. The fact that I had managed quite
well for 34 years before marrying her son didn't matter. The
fact that my husband lost every cent in his business due to the
1992 recession didn't count either. She decided that only
she knew the *real* reason, even though it had no basis in fact.
My MIL loves to rub salt in the wound. It doesn't matter whose
wound it is, but I seem to be her favorite target. It shows
in her face. We rented the house for less than a year, then
bought it from her in 1993. During the rental, she threatened
to throw us out each month and sell the house, which needed a lot
of work (wiring, plumbing, etc.). She agreed to sell it to
us for 10% over the fair market value in what was a buyer's market.
She couldn't sell the house to anyone else, and we were stuck.
Every holiday, and 3 weekends out of 4 each month for 13 years,
she has planned family get-togethers. She will ask my husband's
brother and sister if they have plans, but she never asks us.
She just tells us when to show up. When my father (an alcoholic,
who hadn't had a drink in years) was diagnosed with Hepatitis C
and liver cancer prior to Christmas 1998, my husband and I planned
to visit him for Christmas. The day for visiting the MIL was
set for a few days later, but my BIL had a tennis date that he wanted
to keep. MIL told me that I needed to change my plans.
I told her, "No," and she threw a fit. Too bad.
When my mother was in the hospital in another state, my husband
drove us because I was having neuro problems, which the doctor thought
was MS. My MIL met me in the yard and told me she didn't want
her son to get stressed out while driving me to see my mother.
The next day, she had him load a 700 lb. tractor onto her truck.
When my father died, my MIL met me in the yard the next day and
told me that it was a shame he died, but that's what he got for
being an alcoholic. After she found out I might have MS, she
once more greeted me at home and told me of a cousin of hers with
MS who couldn't fend for herself, and that I was better off dead.
Fortunately, the MS diagnosis was wrong (as was her assessment of
most MS patients). She constantly criticizes my husband and
me for our weight, even though she is at least 40 lbs. overweight.
She criticizes just about everything there is to criticize about
us, and everyone else in the neighborhood. Add to that, she
is a bigot. And her husband, other son, daughter, and grandsons
have joined this nest of bigots. My husband is appalled by
their racist comments and says so on numerous occasions. My
MIL informs me that I'm just naive. I told my husband that
I'm never going to her house again. I was raised in a colorblind
household, and will not compromise my values or hold my tongue any
longer. He agrees, but once more, we were blindsided.
My husband is preaching at his church at the end of the month.
His Sunday school class is thinking about taking him out to lunch
afterward. But, my MIL has decided that she is having the
entire family over that day to listen to him preach, and then she
will fix lunch (the Sunday School isn't invited). My husband
is either afraid to stand up to this witch or just doesn't know
what to do. His father is quite ill, but recently he told
my husband that if he didn't need my MIL to help him get around,
he would have left her. He can't stand it anymore either.
At the last family get-together, my MIL chided him, because he needs
oxygen. She told him that he really didn't need to have "that
thing" at the table. No, he doesn't need it for as long
as he can hold his breath for the entire meal. Of course,
as bad as her cooking is, that may be a viable option.
Signed - Frustrated And
Ready For A Divorce From The Nest
RESPONSE: Frustrated And Ready For A Divorce From The
Nest
I felt so badly for you when I read your story. Your MIL sounds
AWFUL!! You poor thing having to put up with her. I
am glad your hubby supports you. I don't know what advice
to give you except to hope the old bag kicks the bucket sooner rather
than later. She sounds like a total emotional drain on you.
I hope you can get away from her someday.
RESPONSE: Frustrated And Ready For A Divorce From The
Nest
I think you and your H need to take back control of your lives.
Why are you letting this woman dictate what you do on the weekends,
or how you spend your holidays? The word "no" goes
a long way. Simply tell her "no", and when she starts
to protest, say, "this is not up for discussion," and
leave the room (or the house, or hang up the phone). You also
need to move. Fix up your house, and then SELL IT. Don't
even tell the woman that is your plan. Just do it! You
are giving this selfish, nasty woman way too much power over your
lives. Set some boundaries, and stick to them. Tell
your DH that you expect him to support you and start putting limits
on his mother's involvement in your lives. If she has the
keys to your home, change the locks NOW! If she approaches
you as you arrive home with purchases, say, "MIL, I'm sure
you have better things to do with your time than check up on me."
If she starts to b!tch, tell her, "MIL, that is my polite way
of saying MYOB!" Then go into your house and close the
door. Get caller ID, if you don't have it, and start screening
your calls. When she wants you or your DH to work on her house,
tell her you have your own things to do on your own house.
Volunteer SIL to do it! Your home is your sanctuary!
Don't let this woman ruin it! Until you can move, do whatever
you can to keep her away from it! The more limits and boundaries
you put on her and enforce, the more she will realize she has no
more power over you. So, get going, and take back your life!
You should come over to the message board. You will get lots
of advice and support. Best of luck to you!
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