I want to thank all of
you who posted about being called Mrs. John Doe. I'm so glad
to read that I'm not the only person who doesn't like this.
I did take my husband's last name, which isn't a big deal.
I'd just like to keep my own first name. I wanted to clear
something up. When I referred to settling for a cr@ppy job,
that's what they wanted me to do. I did wait until I found
something I liked. My husband is very supportive of my individuality,
and supports me 90% of the time. He has even told his family
off about many things. But, like my husband, they choose to
hear what they want to hear. When they find out that I don't
like something that they or my husband like, there is suddenly something
wrong with me.
Signed - Mrs. John Doe
Thank You Response
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe Thank You Response
I thought it was a pretty interesting discussion too, but I guess
I shouldn't be surprised that it eventually degenerated into a name-calling
fest. Whenever you have posters from so many different backgrounds
discussing a controversial subject, I suppose it's almost inevitable.
It is too bad that the human race hasn't evolved enough to get past
that need to put others down when they don't share the same point
of view.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe Thank You Response
I'm one of the ones who agrees 100% with you about how offensive
it is to have mail addressed to you that deliberately eliminates
your identity. One lady on the message board thinks that it's
only a trivial little "etiquette" issue, but she is in
dire need of education and enlightenment on this subject.
I think the majority of both women and men are smart enough to realize
that such an obsolete practice is wrong, and by voicing their concerns,
this is where change begins. Unfortunately, like some ILs
(and one person on the message board that I can think of), there
are people who will hold fast to THEIR idea of what's right in the
world, even if it hurts others or perpetuates blind ignorance.
Those people are dinosaurs, although they'll never see it or admit
it. The rest of us can learn, think, grow, and help make the
world a better place. Thank you for opening this dialogue
in the first place, and I hope you join the message board where
lots of intelligent thought (and some unwavering stubborn ignorance,
unfortunately) takes place on a daily basis.
I hate my damn in-laws!!!
I hate them, hate them, hate them! Why the he!! does my MIL
send around a list at Christmas for everyone to list what they want
for Christmas, if they're not going to read it? What is up
with that?! I am trying to de-clutter the house because my
husband is the BIGGEST PACKRAT IN THE WORLD. I used to be
one too, but am actively recovering, and have gotten rid of about
a third of my stuff in two years, which is pretty good, since most
people acquire more stuff as the years go by. So, I asked
for gifts that can be used up, like movie and theater tickets, food
or tea, and gift certificates for classes. WHAT DID I GET?
MORE STUFF! STUFF, STUFF, STUFF. MORE CLUTTER, NOT LESS.
Most of it is Christmas-related cr@p like Christmas plates, candleholders,
and the like. SO, SINCE I'M GETTING IT ON CHRISTMAS DAY, THAT
MEANS IT WILL CLUTTER MY HOUSE FOR A YEAR BEFORE IT EVEN GETS USED
FOR THE FIRST TIME! MY HUSBAND DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN I TRY
TO SELL ON EBAY ANYTHING THAT WAS GIVEN TO US AS A GIFT (AS IF THEY'LL
EVER FIND OUT). I suggested that we draw names so each person
can get a gift for one person, which would simplify things for everyone.
BUT, NO, THAT'S NOT TRADITIONAL. THAT'S NOT THE WAY THE FAMILY
HAS ALWAYS DONE THINGS. THIS WOULD ALL MAKE SENSE IF THEY
WERE SOME BIG, LOVEY FAMILY. BUT THEY'RE PRETTY EMOTIONLESS
AND DULL. I'M SICK OF IT. THIS HOUSE IS UP TO HERE WITH
GARBAGE, 2 PEOPLE LIVING IN A 4-BEDROOM HOUSE WITH A BASEMENT -
AND IT'S STUFFED WITH CR@P. I can't imagine how bad it would
be if we had chosen to have kids. I got the in-laws what was
on their wish lists, so why do they ignore mine? I can't stand
his family (especially his stoic mother) for other reasons, which
is probably obvious by how angry this is making me, but cr@p, THIS
SUCKS! Awwww, thanks motherinlawstories.com!
Signed - Feeling Better
Already
RESPONSE: Feeling Better Already
I think your first move should be to tell DH that shopping for HIS
family is now HIS job, since they can't be bothered to respect your
wishes and choices. Why put out effort for people who don't
return the favor?
RESPONSE: Feeling Better Already
I came back this evening to read your story another time, because
it was bothering me. I was hoping you weren't just hating
your MIL for being stoic and not changing their family tradition
in order to take your advice (even though it's good advice!) about
Christmas gift-giving. I was thinking, "I'm sure she's
not just mean - her MIL has done other things, and there's more
to it than this." When I read your message again, I saw
it was true. Apparently there's a lot more to it. She's
done a lot more serious things to you than this. I think that,
as a DIL, I'm afraid of just being a mean-spirited person who is
hateful towards my MIL just because I'm mean - not because she's
being a jerk. But, she often IS being a jerk! I still
feel so badly about it though - and I feel guilty for my strong
feelings against her sometimes. And, it sounds like yours
is, too, although you didn't go into it much here.
RESPONSE: Feeling Better Already
I know exactly how you feel. For Christmas this year from
MIL I got metal hand shaped things for drying rubber gloves on,
along with a HUGE box of similarly cr@ppy household things that
I swear nobody ever buys except her. She KNOWS that I find
such things a waste of space and money. I don't even own rubber
gloves. My DH told her this, and she said she'd get me some
for my birthday! It's not just my MIL - it is my whole family.
I have a minimalist, beautifully kept (no children yet!) apartment,
and everyone knows that we don't like clutter. I have no idea
why everyone always buys us stuff to clutter it up?! I sell
things on eBay (DH does the scanning for me!), take things to the
charity shop, or take things back to the shop. I refuse to
feel badly about this, because I feel that they should know us after
all this time, and that they are doing it on purpose (or just can't
be bothered to make the effort). We try to put a lot of thought
into their presents. Keep up with clearing out the junk.
We've been clutter free for 10 years now, and it's FANTASTIC!
Your home is tidier, easier to clean, and has a feel-good "show
home" air about it. Even our drawers are tidy!
The things we do own are beautiful, well chosen pieces that we love.
Try an amnesty. Next year, tell everyone (in plenty of time)
that you don't want presents, but would appreciate it if they would
please donate something to charity. That's what we're doing,
and we are hoping it means an eBay free Boxing Day!
RESPONSE: Feeling Better Already
Why don't you hold a garage sale and get rid of the cr@p?
Save some on the side to wrap up and give BACK to them on holidays
(recycling is good, you can say!). Give the rest to charity,
and get a tax write-off. Most people turn bitter in old age
- do you know why? They realize, too late, that it was, in
fact, UP TO THEM to design their own lives (their homes - their
lifestyles) the way they wanted it. But, we're too bogged
down in feeling helpless and not in control. For future gifts,
tell your in-laws that you know it's all only token cr@p anyway,
and to SAVE THEIR MONEY. If they insist, then give them a
list of stuff like: Soap, food, cakes, money. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Feeling Better Already
I feel for you. Your in-laws sound very insensitive.
I agree - why send around a list asking what people want for Xmas
if it will just be ignored??? I don't see anything wrong with
trying to get rid of things - especially since you told them you
don't need anything that will clutter your house up. My in-laws
are awful in the gift-giving department. My MIL tries some,
but there is a HUGE discrepancy in what she gives my hubby and I,
and what she gives her other kids. Of course, we are on the
short end 100% of the time. One can't help but be hurt being
slighted year after year, and my stupid MIL thinks we don't know
any better. I say that you should give your in-laws one LAST
warning about no more gifts that cause clutter. Make sure
your husband is witness to you telling them that. Then, see
what they get you next Xmas. When they don't listen, and get
you cr@p, then your husband will not be able to deny what happened,
and you can sell everything on E-bay!! What I can't stand
about my in-laws is how thoughtless and cheap they are. They
are a family with money, yet no one really cares for anyone else.
We exchange gifts for the grandkids, but we do it via mail, because
we all live very far from each other and never see each other.
I don't want to bother exchanging gifts anymore, because it is stupid
when you don't even know your family anymore. It is just going
through the motions. My SIL is so cheap that she spends more
on postage to mail the Xmas gifts than she does on the total cost
of the Xmas gifts!! I am not saying she has to go all out,
but it is VERY obvious when someone doesn't put any effort into
buying decent gifts. And, one does not have to spend a lot
of money to get a child's toy these days. Good luck to you.
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