Here's a suggestion to
those struggling to make their DH/DWs see that their family members
are not perfect. Ask DH/DW's friends. You may think
of us as just your DH/DW's buddies, but (especially if we've known
them since childhood) we know full well how screwed up his/her family
is. Mention it offhand when the friends are over, (and this
is the key here) in front of DH/DW. If MIL is a shrew, they'll
tell them in no uncertain terms. Example: DH:
DW doesn't like MIL. Friend: Well, obviously.
The reason we never hung out at your house when we were kids is
because your mom is a psycho. Trust me, we have no qualms
about pointing out that a friend's relatives are @ssholes or b!tches.
Some friends have accepted this, and we're still friends.
Others have not, and I don't associate with them anymore.
Either way, I don't see their screwed-up families anymore.
Signed - Single Guy Who
Sympathizes With Frustrated DILs/SILs
RESPONSE: Single Guy Who Sympathizes With Frustrated
DILs/SILs
I know this works. DH's friends are the best source to confirm
to him that MIL is the manipulative b!tch that I say she is.
RESPONSE: Single Guy Who Sympathizes With Frustrated
DILs/SILs
Thanks. I can see your point. I wonder why we never
thought of doing that. It makes perfect sense if DH or DW
is willing to be honest about his/her mom or dad.
These are a few thoughts
I had on what the role of a grandmother should be - coming from
a DIL's perspective. 1) Being a grandmother does not
mean "revisiting being a parent". 2) It is
inappropriate for a grandmother to beg her son, DIL, and new baby
to move in with her. 3) When grandma comes to visit,
it is not appropriate for her to shoo the mother away so that "she
can be mom now". 4) When grandparents visit, they
are visiting the whole family, not just the baby. A little
eye contact with the mother and father would be nice. 5)
A grandma should not try to ruin the relationships a child is developing
with any family member, in any way, so that she can be the favorite.
6) A grandma should enjoy her special role as a loving, gentle,
supportive person. 7) A grandmother needs to work just
as hard at loving her DIL, and caring about her needs, as trying
to win the love of a child. The goal should be to love them
both as much!!!! These are a few things I hope to have the
courage someday to say to my MIL regarding my newborn daughter.
She is ruining what should be the happiest time in my life.
Signed - Depressed
RESPONSE: Depressed
I feel a connection here!!! My daughter is 9 months old, and
I still grit my teeth whenever the ILs visit. I walk in the
door with my daughter (who's hit that clingy - I want mummy stage)
and straight away it's a race to see who can wrench her away from
me first, FIL, MIL or SIL. Even when she is straining to get
back to me, and crying, they walk into another room with her to
"soothe" her. I don't mind them holding her, but
she needs her mummy sometimes - and NO ONE else will do. My
DH and I have started just hanging onto her come he!! or high water,
but that only works sometimes! From the day she was born,
they've been buying things to have at their place for when she "stays
over". HELLO!!! When I go back to work in April
(part time), my mum and MIL will be sharing her care. It's
always been known that I was taking 12 months maternity leave, but
every time I see the ILs, they are constantly saying, "When
are you thinking of going back to work?", "When does your
work want you to come back?", or, "Oh, you're only going
back part time?" I have fantasies of moving interstate
so that they can't "just happen to be in the neighborhood"
when we're sitting in the lounge in our pajamas with breakfast cereal
in our hair and just enjoying time with our baby. They're
so hands on that it makes me scream. We enjoy putting the
baby on the floor and watching her play with her toys and giggle
and chat to herself. They've always got to be holding her
and over-stimulating her! Oh well, enough of my problems.
Enjoy your new baby. Take the phone off the hook and just
don't be home for a few days. Let the answering machine field
your calls, and genuinely say, "Gee, sorry we missed you.
Perhaps we'll catch up next week!"
RESPONSE: Depressed
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby. I know it is
depressing when someone turns the happiest days of your life into
most difficult ones by constantly trying to steal the show.
You are very articulate. I am sure you have it in you to relay
your message to MIL in a respectful manner. Make sure DH joins
you in delivering it, and make a few other members of the family
aware of it. If you do it all by yourself, she will pretend
you never gave her a warning, and will act like a victim when you
finally blow your lid. It happened with me. I gave several
subtle hints to my MIL. But, no, she was not going to get
the message until I cut off all relations with her. It would
have been far less ugly if I had had the courage to be more direct
and assertive early on.
RESPONSE: Depressed
Here's another one: Do not start turf wars with the other
grandmother. Just because the baby has your last name, doesn't
mean he/she is more your grandchild than the other grandmother's.
Don't laugh, my MIL really tried that one with my mom.
What do you do when your
MIL shows obvious favoritism for her other son and DIL? This
favoritism has been made blatantly obvious to DH and I by her comments,
and also by her choice of gifts (for Christmas, birthdays, weddings,
you name it). Not only that, but MIL believes that it is my
DH's fault that he and his brother don't get together and "hang
out" more often. She once told me that at BIL's wedding,
a friend of his came up to my DH and told him how great his brother
was, and how it was a shame that he didn't "appreciate"
him more. What is wrong with this woman? The reason
DH doesn't hang out with his brother is because they have absolutely
nothing in common except their genes. Not to mention the fact
that we live an hour away from them, and they have never ONCE come
to visit us (even when they were in the neighborhood for a baseball
game). Yet, we are in their area at least once a month, and
always make it a point to see them. Who is not trying here?
Why is it DH's fault? Why is his brother so damn perfect that
MIL can't see that it is he who has the problem with DH? AAAAGGGHHH!!!
Thanks for letting me vent!
Signed - BIL Is NOT Perfect!
RESPONSE: BIL Is NOT Perfect!
They let her control their lives in ways you won't want to.
That is why they are her favorites. Who wants to be the devil's
favorite anyway?
RESPONSE: BIL Is NOT Perfect!
I can't help but notice that so many on this site worry so much
about what MIL thinks - or thinks of them. Who cares?
If she "thinks" they're not "hanging out" enough
together, that's HER problem. Tell her you don't think she's
hanging out with her sister, brother (find some relative she's not
"hanging out" with enough - in fact, I'd encourage her
to "hang out" with someone herself rather than meddle
in your lives). Obviously, your DH is an adult. And,
one of the great things about being "all grown up" is
that we can choose who we wish to "hang out" with, unlike
when we lived at home!!! If I were you, I'd have your DH tell
her you'll keep company with whomever you please, thank you.
If you give in to her on this, she'll KNOW she can meddle in your
family life and a ton of new grief and pain is waiting up the road
with you and the baby. Also, please stop trying so hard -
(w/BIL). Leave him alone, and don't waste your time with someone
else's favorite. Develop your own favorite people - people
who will appreciate you!
I thought that trying
to involve my MIL in the wedding plans was going to be easy.
I am struggling with the fact that I am not as verbal about my opinions
as I should be. I am going to have to learn how to voice my
opinions and stand fast to the decisions that I have made.
I invited her to the bridal shop where I had purchased my own dress.
They are running some great sales on the dresses. So, I chose
a few dresses in different styles in the colors which would coordinate
with the wedding colors. I had two colors that I really wanted
to accent within the wedding, rose and celery green. My MIL
was at first pissed, because I had not noticed that she had entered
the store (because I was busy looking over the dresses and selecting
a few that I really liked). But, when she saw the dresses,
she absolutely hated them from the beginning. They either
did not have the style she wanted, or they supposedly did not coordinate
with the color scheme, or they were too long, or there just did
not seem to be a dress in the entire store that she liked at all.
What really pissed me off was that, one minute she would say that
whatever I wanted would go, and the next she could not believe the
selection before her eyes. SO, after hearing her complain
and not even try on any of the dresses that I had chosen, she then
demanded that we travel to a town 2 hours away to the "better"
stores where she would definitely be able to find a dress that would
be twenty times better. She also felt that I would be happier
with the selection there. No, I think that we are more worried
about MIL's thoughts and wants. I am not on a very expensive
budget, and I do not want to go spend an entire day just hunting
down MIL's dress. I think that she is way out of line, especially
since she started complaining from the moment that she stepped in
the store! I have better things to be worried about than the
fact that my MIL looks especially sexy and hot on my wedding day.
The dresses that we were looking at were anywhere from $150 to $200.
How much more expensive do they have to be for one day? Sometimes,
I think that we are planning her wedding, not mine!!!
Signed - I Hate Planning
My Wedding Already
RESPONSE: I Hate Planning My Wedding Already
Why are you picking out your MIL's dress? That is HER responsibility.
I am not a MIL. In fact, I am a DIL who has an awful MIL myself.
I let my FMIL pick out her dress all by herself. I don't care
what she wears to my wedding. In fact, what she picked out
does not match my colors. But, I could not care less.
I am sorry, but your FMIL has the right to pick out whatever dress
she wants to wear, and you really have no say in it. Now,
if she was complaining about YOUR dress, she would be out of line.
But, one question: Are you paying for her dress? If
you are, why? You don't have to pay for it. That is
her responsibility. You need to chill out girl, or you will
never enjoy your wedding. Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Hate Planning My Wedding Already
I just can't get over these MILs attempting to steal the spotlight
on your day. I tried to avoid getting involved with my chronic
complainer MIL by not telling her what color to wear. Instead,
I left it up to her judgment. She is part of the country club
set, and always said that I was not good enough for her son, because
I could not "blend in" (I'm a different race). I
assumed that everyone knows that the mother of the groom does not
wear black to a wedding unless she is specifically told to, or is
protesting. When she said that she wanted to wear black to
our wedding (along with a list a lame reasons why), I let her know
that it was unacceptable. She was told again by several family
members that it was wrong. She did it anyway, and she tried
to make an entrance to boot. No one knew what she was wearing
(including her husband) until she got in the car! My DH was
shocked when she showed up, but he did not confront her directly.
I was pissed off, but I ignored her. Their whole point is
to either make you mad so that you call it off (or fight with DH
a lot), or to be the center of attention. Don't go shopping
with her. Show her you don't care what she does. Don't
ask her what she is going to wear again. Change the subject
whenever it comes up. She is not the bride. If she cares
to look foolish on film for years to come, let her. Everyone
will know if she wears the wrong thing. She'll look like a
fool. Every time someone brings it up, give them a stare and
silence. It will be clear how you feel. My honey is
still perplexed by his mom because she says she likes me so much!!
She operates in a passive-aggressive manner to me all of the time.
In front of others, she is friendly and touchy feely. But,
she tells me off when we are alone. I never have any witnesses.
Since our wedding, I have not initiated any contact with her.
I only speak to her when she speaks to me, and then it is very short.
I won't get caught again snapping back at her when she strikes at
me. This woman knows how to manipulate her family into thinking
she is a sweet, forgetful old lady. She never "means
anything by it" when they hear her say something nasty.
I hate her!!!! Signature: Silent Bride.
RESPONSE: I Hate Planning My Wedding Already
That's right. This is YOUR wedding, not hers. Listen
to what she says, and then go and do EXACTLY AS YOU PLEASE.
Don't put up with it, because this will set the tone for your entire
married life!! I'd laugh and say, "Hey, this is MY wedding.
You HAD yours!"
RESPONSE: I Hate Planning My Wedding Already
I hope you learn from this experience. Never ever get involved
in anything that requires more than basic civilities with your MIL.
Shopping for dresses together requires sharing opinions. That
is something not to be done with a MIL. In the future, avoid
being alone with MIL. Keep the meetings brief, and stick to
discussing the weather. And, always have a big fake smile
on your face (for everyone to see) any time you speak a single word
to her. This way, you will never end up in an argument.
There will be no need to ever contemplate cutting her out of your
life, and no need to aggravate DH by putting him in the middle of
a tug of war between his mom and wife. I am sure there are
better ways of having a wonderful, meaningful relationship with
MIL that go beyond the superficial relationship I am suggesting.
If you find out, let me know. So far, this is the best solution
to MILs that I can think of.
RESPONSE: I Hate Planning My Wedding Already
I am one of those who says what I think, often before I finish the
thought! But, let me give you some advice. If you let
your MIL start making decisions now, she'll end up telling you what
to do for the rest of your married life! You are an adult,
and able to make your own choices. Start now. If she
knows she can manipulate you, she will! TRUST ME. My
MIL has tried, many times (now she focuses on my DH to get to me).
Anyway, it's your wedding, and with the grace of God, it will only
happen one time. So, make the best of it, and do what you
and your DF feel is right (budgeting, too), and to he!! with her!
Good Luck, and Congrats! DH thinks she's normal for being
abnormal!
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