I married DH in September at an informal party,
which we both loved. The following Christmas, MIL got me
a jewelry box with a photo-frame lid, and she added a photo of
her choice. It was a photo of DH and me at a wedding.
But, it was not our wedding - it was my BIL's fancy hotel wedding,
which was over a year before. What the?
Signed - Did She Not
Notice We Also Had A Wedding?
RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding?
It was very nice that your MIL gave you such a thoughtful gift.
Yes, it was very insensitive of her to not put your wedding picture
in it, but it could have been worse.
RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding?
Maybe she felt you had so many pictures of your wedding that it'd
be nice to use one from another time? Why should she HAVE
to use your wedding photo? Either I'm missing half the story
here, or you really are looking for insults. If I gave someone
that gift and they reacted the way you have, I would be pretty
hurt. Don't be so negative.
RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding?
That is so TACKY!! I guess your wedding wasn't good enough
for her.
RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding?
I may be missing something, but I think you are making WAY too
much of the situation. Maybe she really liked that picture
more than any other picture. Is that so bad? Also,
be happy she picked a picture with you in it. So many MILs
would not do that. As nice as this web site is, I hope you
are not letting it color your relationship with your MIL.
RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding?
A PICTURE SAYS A THOUSAND WORDS. Simply replace your BIL's
wedding picture with one from your wedding. Set it out someplace
for all to see. She'll get the idea when she sees it.
If nothing else, it will generate a comment and you can say, "We
loved the frame!"
RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding?
Maybe MIL thought the picture she included in the frame was one
she felt was a good picture of you and your husband. Maybe
she only had one copy of each photo of your wedding and she didn't
want to part with them.
Worst gift: My MIL is
so cheap. For Christmas, she went to a glass outlet and got
me a serving bowl that is so big and so deformed that I'll never
use it. I tried to put it out for a dog dish, but my husband
hid it in the basement so mommy-dearest wouldn't see it.
Signed - So Deformed
That I'll Never Use It
RESPONSE: So Deformed That I'll Never Use It
Do what a Southern Belle friend of mine does with such gifts.
"Accidentally" drop and break it. Sweep up the pieces
and say, "Oh, well, it wasn't a great gift anyway."
Then use the occasion to specify exactly what kind of gift WOULD
be suitable!
RESPONSE: So Deformed That I'll Never Use It
Just put it out next Christmas with some Christmas balls and lights
in it so everyone can see it and comment on it. You will get
a good laugh.
I am here to tell a little
different story. I am both a SIL and a DIL. I have posted
many times here about my MIL who treats me horribly. Thank
God you all are here. I would have gone nuts otherwise.
My mom is a great person - loving, patient, very laid back, and
forgives even sometimes when I feel she should be angry. She
is also very ill. She has strokes often, and can't get around
as well as she'd like to. She called my SIL (who has caller
ID, and never answers the phone when she calls) to see if she would
take her to the doctor. My SIL, as usual, didn't answer, and
didn't reply to the message left on the machine. But, she
told my brother that she guessed she could take my mom to the doctor,
but my mom had to meet her somewhere, because she wouldn't drive
the 20 minutes drive to my mom's house. I have 3 brothers.
Each of them are on their 2nd marriages, and all of the SILs act
this way. I live 12 hours away from all of my family, and
I can only visit (in a good year) 1 or 2 times a year. I went
to my mom's house, cooked a nice meal, and invited my family over.
My brothers and nephews came, but the wives stayed home. My
MIL has told me, on numerous occasions, that they have family dinners,
barbecues, etc., and only her sons attend - if that. The wives
and children (who are biologically connected to those wives) don't
attend. The children conceived in the first marriages do attend,
though. If, and when they do come, they eat, and just leave
the kitchen without lifting a finger. Three years ago, I drove
up for Thanksgiving. My mom and I cooked all the food for
2 days. We had an enormous dinner. After dinner, we
stood in the kitchen, cleaning, while my brothers and their wives
sat in the den. Then, they left before we could even finish
washing the dishes. I asked my mom if this was something that
they normally do, and she replied, "Yes, but don't say anything.
At least they showed up." Another one of my SILs is ready
to give birth to a little baby girl. Her DH, my brother, is
coming down to visit in the spring of next year to help work on
our house (build a patio and put in a door) - nothing huge and structural
to the house. He informed me that he is coming with only his
2 boys. My SIL's daughter (who my parents call their granddaughter
too, and buy as much Xmas for), the daughter they had together,
and his wife, are staying home that week. I, at this point,
will not be able to travel north. Their baby will be 5 to
6 months old, and I will have not seen her. SIL will be staying
home with the baby and her other daughter. I am so hurt.
Is this some kind of message that she, for some reason, doesn't
like me? I'm quite a ways away, and have never interfered.
Please give me some advice too, or at least another point of view.
Signed - What About Family
RESPONSE: What About Family
There is more to the story, and I'm not sure it is your place to
find out. You are not responsible for your mom and DILs' relationships.
However, if you need to know the truth, why don't you ask your SILs?
Maybe your mom is being seen as one of those awful MILs. Perhaps
this is an opportunity to set the record straight. If you
do call your SIL, please be as nice and as nonjudgmental as possible.
You don't want to put SIL on the defensive.
RESPONSE: What About Family
I can understand about not wanting to travel with small children.
If she has to fly to see you, I would agree with her, then, for
the reason that I don't believe infants should be on planes.
If that's not the case, again, it's hard to travel with little ones.
As for your SIL's not visiting your mother, I imagine there is a
very good reason. I can't see how all three of them would
act the same way without a reason. There must be more to that
story.
RESPONSE: What About Family
That is not a message that she doesn't like you! If you like
her, chances are she likes you back. It's hard to travel with
a baby! Some people are up for it, and some aren't.
Personally speaking, I am shy, and I often would rather not go and
visit even my favorite people in the world! Has she ever been
blatantly mean to you? I'm sorry, but there are some really
belligerent people who are just spoiling for reasons not to like
others. But, if she's not one of those, and if she's been
pleasant to you, just be respective and supportive of her (and you'll
get along fine!). You sound like a sweetheart. If you
like them, they'll usually like you back!
RESPONSE: What About Family
Sorry, but it sounds like you're too bogged down in "family"
- rotten people who have no consideration for your feelings - and
that you let them get away with everything. Why didn't you
go out to everyone after the big meal and say, "OK! Everyone
in the kitchen!" Surely your mom would not have reproached
you for that. You're an adult (aren't you?) with the right
to live your life the way YOU want! So start doing it!
My MIL turned the heat
up for Christmas - so predictable. In years past, she has
waited until I have said something, which meant that I ended up
doing all the work. This year, since the big blowup in July,
DH and I just made our own plans. J
DH talked to his mom in mid-December, and asked her what would it
take to make things better between all of us. MIL said that
she'll talk to BIL about it. What the heck he has to do with
anything, I don't know (other than the idea that he and MIL have
this sick, twisted "marriage" type relationship going
on - BIL is like her surrogate spouse!). MIL told DH that
SHE didn't do anything wrong, that SHE has nothing to apologize
for, that SHE will not apologize, etc. Therefore, we are at
a standoff, as I refuse to go groveling to her to make family harmony.
She has overstepped her bounds with me, and I won't tolerate it
at all. About 5 days before Christmas, MIL called our house.
I answered the phone, and she asked if I wanted to come to her house
for Christmas dinner. I said, "No. We have plans
that include a Christmas dinner from a local deli," (I was
7 1/2 months pregnant at the time!), but that I appreciated the
thought. She said, "Well, at least I tried," and
hung up! FINE! DH asked what that was all about, and
I told him. He was soooo mad at her and her little attempt
at "trying" - there's now a nifty hole in the wall where
he threw something (I wonder if she'd like to pay for that little
fix-it job!). THEN, two days before Christmas, she called
again. DH answered the phone. We happened to have had
company, so DH called me into the kitchen. He said that MIL,
"wants us there at 4pm tomorrow (Christmas Eve)", and
they will have take-out food, and we'll open presents - yes or no?
Nothing like being on the spot! Grrr! I told him, "Fine,
but there better not be any fireworks," and I left the room.
Later that night, I told DH that I'm not comfortable going to her
house. There was one year when she ripped into me about Christmas.
I had ruined her Christmas spirit - it was my fault that DH and
BIL weren't talking, I didn't care about her, (all amidst screaming,
crying and hysterics!), she had just wanted a daaaaughter, etc.
I tried to make things better and she pushed me away. She
told me to mind my own business, that she didn't need help, she
didn't need my help, etc. All the while, DH was staring at
the TV, and BIL hid in his room. I just knew that our little
Christmas Eve dinner would be a repeat. I also said that it
was interesting that MIL didn't try to make amends in August, September,
October, or November. But, suddenly, she wants to for Christmas??
I told him that we weren't worth the effort before, but does Christmas
make all the difference?? Forget it! Then, I pointed
out that I'm treated like holy cr@p by MIL and BIL all the time,
and just how much do I have to take? BIL doesn't even talk
to us - he just grunts. There is no pleasant conversation,
just questions from MIL and us saying yes or no. The tension
makes me sick. I also pointed out the time that MIL and BIL
were here for DH's birthday, and I was quite upset with the whole
lot of them (I had almost walked out of the whole deal before they
were here!). I made it through dinner, and cleared the table.
I then walked not more than 10 FEET from the dining room table to
the living room (in complete view of the table) and turned on the
TV. MIL got up, all huffy, and then left. She later
told DH that I was rude, and that I just did that to let them know
I wanted them to leave! Hmmm, in all the years I've known
MIL, she has NEVER even gotten up from her chair when we visit -
never offered something to drink, something to eat, NOTHING.
She sits there, changes the channels, talks about this program,
that program, etc. BUT I'M RUDE?!?!? When she's at my
house, she's supposed to be catered to, I guess - it's not good
enough that I make the meal, I serve the meal, I clean up - oh,
and I had worked all day! I told DH that I'm sick of every
last thing being MY fault - if DH and BIL don't talk, it's my fault.
I've come between the two brothers. If DH doesn't call his
mom, it's my fault. I'm trying to break up the family.
MIL makes it sound as if they just had the perfect little family
before I came along - heck no! It was just as sick and twisted!!
MIL isolated herself from the world, lived through her two sons,
and demanded that her sons spend time with her and never leave.
BIL is 37, and still lives at home! Neither son could drive
until they were 18 - MIL said that they weren't responsible enough.
They couldn't go out on weekends with friends, they couldn't date
(girls were bad). I was so upset during this conversation
that I started to hyperventilate - I couldn't catch my breath, etc.
Being very pregnant, it scared DH to death. (good!). DH said
that I wasn't going over there, since it made me so upset.
The next morning, DH called her and told her I wouldn't be there.
She cried, and asked if DH would be there. DH did go to the
celebration. He was home in two hours - he had a cr@ppy time,
though he won't tell me what happened. MIL got us some baby
items and got me a few presents. I didn't call her, but I
wrote a nice thank you note. I'm sure that galled her to no
end. But, it was proper, and nothing more is required of me.
These baby items are the ONLY acknowledgment she has shown that
we are even having a baby, and the baby is due Feb 3! Since
then, DH has tried to have a conversation with his brother, and
was basically ignored. DH wanted to return his gift from BIL,
and tried to talk to BIL about it. BIL got all huffy, and
acted like DH was an idiot. Yes, the gift was expensive, but
it is not something that DH is even remotely interested in.
DH tried to explain that it wasn't BIL's fault or anything, but
BIL wouldn't even talk about it. DH finally told me that I
had taught him that communication and compassion is more important
than any amount of money. And, that he didn't care if they
bought him $1,000 gifts, it wouldn't make up for the fact that BIL
won't even have a civilized conversation with him. I have
made it clear to DH that I want nothing to do with these fruit loops!
They make my life he!!, and cause only chaos. I'm having a
baby in less than two weeks, and I'll be darned if I'm going to
let this go on in our daughter's life. I am willing to have
lunch with MIL from time to time. I'm willing to have them
over for dinner at our house. I'm willing to celebrate birthdays
with them, though I refuse to commit to observing the actual day
together - it's all about our convenience. I told DH that,
if I'm ever in MIL's presence and she starts to get nasty, I will
leave right then and there, and I will take the baby with me.
Under no circumstances will the baby or I EVER be alone with MIL
and/or BIL. I refuse to go to MIL's home. MIL, of course,
has decided that she is now housebound. She hasn't seen a
doctor or anything - it's just her own decision. Whatever!
I'm not buying into that hooey for the life of me. If she
wants to be housebound, so be it - it doesn't mean we have to go
running to her! If she was under a doctor's care and this
was really the truth, I would change my tune. However, as
long as it's an arbitrary decision on her part, heck no! It's
just another control move on her part - how nice to have everyone
come to her, her own turf, so she can yell and scream whenever she
wants, etc. No, not for me! Isn't it interesting that
MIL has never ONCE mentioned being housebound to DH, just to me!
It's not like she was really mobile before, she'd only leave the
house with BIL. But, now she says she can't even do that!
And, BIL hasn't said anything to DH about this? I'm sure the
heat will be turned up again in a few weeks when the baby is here.
DH says that if MIL doesn't come to the hospital, we will definitely
NOT be taking the baby to her house. She isn't going to come
to the hospital. She might actually have to get dressed, get
out of the house, walk a bit, AND she might see a doctor or nurse!
So, we'll be at the hospital with a new baby - MIL won't come, and
DH will be hurt. MIL will probably call and want us to bring
the baby, and the fight will go on. The woman just does not
get it! She has no ability to see how her actions play into
all of this. We are just being mean and awful to her, and
she's just trying to get along with everyone! What a piece
of work!!!
Signed - Sick of The
Games
RESPONSE: Sick of The Games
Well, now, that was a mouth/letter full. I hope you feel better.
You sound like you know how to handle these people. Although,
I don't know if I'd celebrate anything with them at all. Congrats
on the baby!
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