Mother-In-Law Stories January 22, 2002

January 22, 2002

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	I married DH in September at an informal party, which we both loved. The following Christmas, MIL got me a jewelry box with a photo-frame lid, and she added a photo of her choice. It was a photo of DH and me at a wedding. But, it was not our wedding - it was my BIL's fancy hotel wedding, which was over a year before. What the? Signed - Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding? RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding? It was very nice that your MIL gave you such a thoughtful gift. Yes, it was very insensitive of her to not put your wedding picture in it, but it could have been worse. RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding? Maybe she felt you had so many pictures of your wedding that it'd be nice to use one from another time? Why should she HAVE to use your wedding photo? Either I'm missing half the story here, or you really are looking for insults. If I gave someone that gift and they reacted the way you have, I would be pretty hurt. Don't be so negative. RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding? That is so TACKY!! I guess your wedding wasn't good enough for her. RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding? I may be missing something, but I think you are making WAY too much of the situation. Maybe she really liked that picture more than any other picture. Is that so bad? Also, be happy she picked a picture with you in it. So many MILs would not do that. As nice as this web site is, I hope you are not letting it color your relationship with your MIL. RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding? A PICTURE SAYS A THOUSAND WORDS. Simply replace your BIL's wedding picture with one from your wedding. Set it out someplace for all to see. She'll get the idea when she sees it. If nothing else, it will generate a comment and you can say, "We loved the frame!" RESPONSE: Did She Not Notice We Also Had A Wedding? Maybe MIL thought the picture she included in the frame was one she felt was a good picture of you and your husband. Maybe she only had one copy of each photo of your wedding and she didn't want to part with them.
	Worst gift: My MIL is so cheap. For Christmas, she went to a glass outlet and got me a serving bowl that is so big and so deformed that I'll never use it. I tried to put it out for a dog dish, but my husband hid it in the basement so mommy-dearest wouldn't see it. Signed - So Deformed That I'll Never Use It RESPONSE: So Deformed That I'll Never Use It Do what a Southern Belle friend of mine does with such gifts. "Accidentally" drop and break it. Sweep up the pieces and say, "Oh, well, it wasn't a great gift anyway." Then use the occasion to specify exactly what kind of gift WOULD be suitable! RESPONSE: So Deformed That I'll Never Use It Just put it out next Christmas with some Christmas balls and lights in it so everyone can see it and comment on it. You will get a good laugh.
	I am here to tell a little different story. I am both a SIL and a DIL. I have posted many times here about my MIL who treats me horribly. Thank God you all are here. I would have gone nuts otherwise. My mom is a great person - loving, patient, very laid back, and forgives even sometimes when I feel she should be angry. She is also very ill. She has strokes often, and can't get around as well as she'd like to. She called my SIL (who has caller ID, and never answers the phone when she calls) to see if she would take her to the doctor. My SIL, as usual, didn't answer, and didn't reply to the message left on the machine. But, she told my brother that she guessed she could take my mom to the doctor, but my mom had to meet her somewhere, because she wouldn't drive the 20 minutes drive to my mom's house. I have 3 brothers. Each of them are on their 2nd marriages, and all of the SILs act this way. I live 12 hours away from all of my family, and I can only visit (in a good year) 1 or 2 times a year. I went to my mom's house, cooked a nice meal, and invited my family over. My brothers and nephews came, but the wives stayed home. My MIL has told me, on numerous occasions, that they have family dinners, barbecues, etc., and only her sons attend - if that. The wives and children (who are biologically connected to those wives) don't attend. The children conceived in the first marriages do attend, though. If, and when they do come, they eat, and just leave the kitchen without lifting a finger. Three years ago, I drove up for Thanksgiving. My mom and I cooked all the food for 2 days. We had an enormous dinner. After dinner, we stood in the kitchen, cleaning, while my brothers and their wives sat in the den. Then, they left before we could even finish washing the dishes. I asked my mom if this was something that they normally do, and she replied, "Yes, but don't say anything. At least they showed up." Another one of my SILs is ready to give birth to a little baby girl. Her DH, my brother, is coming down to visit in the spring of next year to help work on our house (build a patio and put in a door) - nothing huge and structural to the house. He informed me that he is coming with only his 2 boys. My SIL's daughter (who my parents call their granddaughter too, and buy as much Xmas for), the daughter they had together, and his wife, are staying home that week. I, at this point, will not be able to travel north. Their baby will be 5 to 6 months old, and I will have not seen her. SIL will be staying home with the baby and her other daughter. I am so hurt. Is this some kind of message that she, for some reason, doesn't like me? I'm quite a ways away, and have never interfered. Please give me some advice too, or at least another point of view. Signed - What About Family RESPONSE: What About Family There is more to the story, and I'm not sure it is your place to find out. You are not responsible for your mom and DILs' relationships. However, if you need to know the truth, why don't you ask your SILs? Maybe your mom is being seen as one of those awful MILs. Perhaps this is an opportunity to set the record straight. If you do call your SIL, please be as nice and as nonjudgmental as possible. You don't want to put SIL on the defensive. RESPONSE: What About Family I can understand about not wanting to travel with small children. If she has to fly to see you, I would agree with her, then, for the reason that I don't believe infants should be on planes. If that's not the case, again, it's hard to travel with little ones. As for your SIL's not visiting your mother, I imagine there is a very good reason. I can't see how all three of them would act the same way without a reason. There must be more to that story. RESPONSE: What About Family That is not a message that she doesn't like you! If you like her, chances are she likes you back. It's hard to travel with a baby! Some people are up for it, and some aren't. Personally speaking, I am shy, and I often would rather not go and visit even my favorite people in the world! Has she ever been blatantly mean to you? I'm sorry, but there are some really belligerent people who are just spoiling for reasons not to like others. But, if she's not one of those, and if she's been pleasant to you, just be respective and supportive of her (and you'll get along fine!). You sound like a sweetheart. If you like them, they'll usually like you back! RESPONSE: What About Family Sorry, but it sounds like you're too bogged down in "family" - rotten people who have no consideration for your feelings - and that you let them get away with everything. Why didn't you go out to everyone after the big meal and say, "OK! Everyone in the kitchen!" Surely your mom would not have reproached you for that. You're an adult (aren't you?) with the right to live your life the way YOU want! So start doing it!
	My MIL turned the heat up for Christmas - so predictable. In years past, she has waited until I have said something, which meant that I ended up doing all the work. This year, since the big blowup in July, DH and I just made our own plans. J DH talked to his mom in mid-December, and asked her what would it take to make things better between all of us. MIL said that she'll talk to BIL about it. What the heck he has to do with anything, I don't know (other than the idea that he and MIL have this sick, twisted "marriage" type relationship going on - BIL is like her surrogate spouse!). MIL told DH that SHE didn't do anything wrong, that SHE has nothing to apologize for, that SHE will not apologize, etc. Therefore, we are at a standoff, as I refuse to go groveling to her to make family harmony. She has overstepped her bounds with me, and I won't tolerate it at all. About 5 days before Christmas, MIL called our house. I answered the phone, and she asked if I wanted to come to her house for Christmas dinner. I said, "No. We have plans that include a Christmas dinner from a local deli," (I was 7 1/2 months pregnant at the time!), but that I appreciated the thought. She said, "Well, at least I tried," and hung up! FINE! DH asked what that was all about, and I told him. He was soooo mad at her and her little attempt at "trying" - there's now a nifty hole in the wall where he threw something (I wonder if she'd like to pay for that little fix-it job!). THEN, two days before Christmas, she called again. DH answered the phone. We happened to have had company, so DH called me into the kitchen. He said that MIL, "wants us there at 4pm tomorrow (Christmas Eve)", and they will have take-out food, and we'll open presents - yes or no? Nothing like being on the spot! Grrr! I told him, "Fine, but there better not be any fireworks," and I left the room. Later that night, I told DH that I'm not comfortable going to her house. There was one year when she ripped into me about Christmas. I had ruined her Christmas spirit - it was my fault that DH and BIL weren't talking, I didn't care about her, (all amidst screaming, crying and hysterics!), she had just wanted a daaaaughter, etc. I tried to make things better and she pushed me away. She told me to mind my own business, that she didn't need help, she didn't need my help, etc. All the while, DH was staring at the TV, and BIL hid in his room. I just knew that our little Christmas Eve dinner would be a repeat. I also said that it was interesting that MIL didn't try to make amends in August, September, October, or November. But, suddenly, she wants to for Christmas?? I told him that we weren't worth the effort before, but does Christmas make all the difference?? Forget it! Then, I pointed out that I'm treated like holy cr@p by MIL and BIL all the time, and just how much do I have to take? BIL doesn't even talk to us - he just grunts. There is no pleasant conversation, just questions from MIL and us saying yes or no. The tension makes me sick. I also pointed out the time that MIL and BIL were here for DH's birthday, and I was quite upset with the whole lot of them (I had almost walked out of the whole deal before they were here!). I made it through dinner, and cleared the table. I then walked not more than 10 FEET from the dining room table to the living room (in complete view of the table) and turned on the TV. MIL got up, all huffy, and then left. She later told DH that I was rude, and that I just did that to let them know I wanted them to leave! Hmmm, in all the years I've known MIL, she has NEVER even gotten up from her chair when we visit - never offered something to drink, something to eat, NOTHING. She sits there, changes the channels, talks about this program, that program, etc. BUT I'M RUDE?!?!? When she's at my house, she's supposed to be catered to, I guess - it's not good enough that I make the meal, I serve the meal, I clean up - oh, and I had worked all day! I told DH that I'm sick of every last thing being MY fault - if DH and BIL don't talk, it's my fault. I've come between the two brothers. If DH doesn't call his mom, it's my fault. I'm trying to break up the family. MIL makes it sound as if they just had the perfect little family before I came along - heck no! It was just as sick and twisted!! MIL isolated herself from the world, lived through her two sons, and demanded that her sons spend time with her and never leave. BIL is 37, and still lives at home! Neither son could drive until they were 18 - MIL said that they weren't responsible enough. They couldn't go out on weekends with friends, they couldn't date (girls were bad). I was so upset during this conversation that I started to hyperventilate - I couldn't catch my breath, etc. Being very pregnant, it scared DH to death. (good!). DH said that I wasn't going over there, since it made me so upset. The next morning, DH called her and told her I wouldn't be there. She cried, and asked if DH would be there. DH did go to the celebration. He was home in two hours - he had a cr@ppy time, though he won't tell me what happened. MIL got us some baby items and got me a few presents. I didn't call her, but I wrote a nice thank you note. I'm sure that galled her to no end. But, it was proper, and nothing more is required of me. These baby items are the ONLY acknowledgment she has shown that we are even having a baby, and the baby is due Feb 3! Since then, DH has tried to have a conversation with his brother, and was basically ignored. DH wanted to return his gift from BIL, and tried to talk to BIL about it. BIL got all huffy, and acted like DH was an idiot. Yes, the gift was expensive, but it is not something that DH is even remotely interested in. DH tried to explain that it wasn't BIL's fault or anything, but BIL wouldn't even talk about it. DH finally told me that I had taught him that communication and compassion is more important than any amount of money. And, that he didn't care if they bought him $1,000 gifts, it wouldn't make up for the fact that BIL won't even have a civilized conversation with him. I have made it clear to DH that I want nothing to do with these fruit loops! They make my life he!!, and cause only chaos. I'm having a baby in less than two weeks, and I'll be darned if I'm going to let this go on in our daughter's life. I am willing to have lunch with MIL from time to time. I'm willing to have them over for dinner at our house. I'm willing to celebrate birthdays with them, though I refuse to commit to observing the actual day together - it's all about our convenience. I told DH that, if I'm ever in MIL's presence and she starts to get nasty, I will leave right then and there, and I will take the baby with me. Under no circumstances will the baby or I EVER be alone with MIL and/or BIL. I refuse to go to MIL's home. MIL, of course, has decided that she is now housebound. She hasn't seen a doctor or anything - it's just her own decision. Whatever! I'm not buying into that hooey for the life of me. If she wants to be housebound, so be it - it doesn't mean we have to go running to her! If she was under a doctor's care and this was really the truth, I would change my tune. However, as long as it's an arbitrary decision on her part, heck no! It's just another control move on her part - how nice to have everyone come to her, her own turf, so she can yell and scream whenever she wants, etc. No, not for me! Isn't it interesting that MIL has never ONCE mentioned being housebound to DH, just to me! It's not like she was really mobile before, she'd only leave the house with BIL. But, now she says she can't even do that! And, BIL hasn't said anything to DH about this? I'm sure the heat will be turned up again in a few weeks when the baby is here. DH says that if MIL doesn't come to the hospital, we will definitely NOT be taking the baby to her house. She isn't going to come to the hospital. She might actually have to get dressed, get out of the house, walk a bit, AND she might see a doctor or nurse! So, we'll be at the hospital with a new baby - MIL won't come, and DH will be hurt. MIL will probably call and want us to bring the baby, and the fight will go on. The woman just does not get it! She has no ability to see how her actions play into all of this. We are just being mean and awful to her, and she's just trying to get along with everyone! What a piece of work!!! Signed - Sick of The Games RESPONSE: Sick of The Games Well, now, that was a mouth/letter full. I hope you feel better. You sound like you know how to handle these people. Although, I don't know if I'd celebrate anything with them at all. Congrats on the baby!

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