We haven't seen my MIL
since my oldest daughter was four months old. She's about
to turn 2 years old. We have since had another baby (who is
2 months old). And as far as we know, MIL doesn't even know.
My MIL is an alcoholic and acts bipolar. When she got invited
to my baby shower with my first daughter, she made up some story
about how I never invited her, and didn't want her to come.
The woman didn't attend any of my wedding showers or baby showers!
There was always an excuse. My in-laws would NEVER initiate
getting together with us, but then they would get mad if they didn't
get to see us or our baby. They never called to see how the
baby was doing after I had her, and they never asked to come see
her. Since we'd had problems before, especially with the baby
showers, we didn't invite them to the hospital when I gave birth.
We invited them over a few days later. We got tired of always
initiating. So, the last time that they were at our house,
as they were leaving, I told them to give us a call, and said that
the phone works both ways. We haven't heard from them since.
Now we have moved, and have two daughters. They have no idea
what they are missing. It's all my MIL's fault. My FIL
was always nice to us. But he's a weenie for sitting back
and letting this silence go on for so long. Whenever she would
get upset with us about something, she'd give us the silent treatment.
We'd always be the ones to reconcile. Well, NO MORE.
It's their loss. And, if they are stupid enough to miss out
on the lives of their only child and only grandchildren, we don't
want them in our lives anyway. Their lack of character is
plainly obvious.
Signed - Their Lack Of
Character Is Plainly Obvious
RESPONSE: Their Lack Of Character Is Plainly Obvious
Wow, it's amazing to me how people like your ILs can behave this
way. You, your DH, and your children are better off without
them. What do they possibly have to give to your family?
Nothing. They are selfish and stubborn, and in the end they
lose. Best wishes to you and your beautiful children.
RESPONSE: Their Lack Of Character Is Plainly Obvious
It sounds like there was plenty more to this story, as was hinted
near the end about how she used to give you "the silent treatment".
Do you think she's just really insecure and depressed, and just
goes into her shell, or has she really been mean to you? She
sounds like a challenge to deal with, though. It's not that
I don't have sympathy for you, it's just that when people are really
depressed, I think they kind of withdraw and keep to themselves.
And, if that's how she is (that is, if she isn't really mean to
you!), maybe she deserves more pity and kindness than anger.
When you were kind to her in the past, did it seem to help her,
or did she just take advantage of it? Sometimes, when I've
tried to be kind to my MIL, she has just used it to get her foot
in the door and treat me outrageously. So I kind of keep my
distance. You know, like "no good deed goes unpunished!"
If she responded well to your kindness and reaching out to her,
I guess I kind of hope you keep doing it. If I were in her
place, I might be thinking (and I swear, I'm not a MIL!), "I
care about them, but I'm a mess. I'd only be a bad influence
on my grandchildren." When people are depressed, it isn't
that they don't care, it's just that they don't feel good enough
for anything. They don't have any self-confidence. They
feel so badly themselves. And then, when someone else seems
angry and resentful toward them, it's just all the MORE depressing,
you know? If she really had confidence, she would probably
be clamoring to see your kids, and driving you crazy. It sounds
like she doesn't have much confidence. Please forgive me if
I'm completely wrong about this. She might be malicious, mean,
and rude on top of everything, and I might just not realize it.
I kind of marvel at problems like this, because my MIL is so smothering.
I can hardly bear the thought of having children. She is so
bored, and she would pin her whole life on our children. I
wish she had a little more respect, and was less in love with herself!
But, maybe I don't give her enough credit.
Worst gift: For Christmas,
my brother and sister-in-law decided to give him 2 tickets to a
Professional Hockey Game that was several states away. They
announced this to the whole family, as though it was such a big
deal, and claimed how they spent two years working on getting the
tickets (since the seats were so close to the ring). We live
in the northeast. They only gave us the tickets, no airfare
or hotel was included. Plus, the game was on a Wednesday,
and it was Valentine's Day! They only did this to mess with
us, and try to break us up, and to ruin our first Valentine's Day
together. I found out that the brother lied when I traced
the tickets. The guy at the box office told me that there
was no way anyone can buy tickets that far in advance, since the
season seating isn't done till the summer. The tickets were
bought in October, two months prior to Christmas. We were
forced (by the family) to go on what turned out to be a trip that
cost us over $1,000 - money we did not have.
Signed - Ruined Our First
Valentine's Day
RESPONSE: Ruined Our First Valentine's Day
I don't see how you could have been forced to go to a game you didn't
want to go to. You obviously had to make arrangements to get
there. I think that if your DH was so insistent that you go,
the problem is with him and not the IL's. If your DH agreed
with your feelings, why go? Obviously, this is something he
really wanted if it was such a big deal with the family. Your
Valentine's Day could only be ruined if you let it be. You
were still together, that is what counts, isn't it?
RESPONSE: Ruined Our First Valentine's Day
How do people force you to spend $1000 of your own money to go somewhere
you don't want to go? You need to stop this now. You
should have given the tickets back.
RESPONSE: Ruined Our First Valentine's Day
Why did you go? You could have sold the tickets. Yes,
they were insensitive and rude with their gift choice, but they
didn't force you to go on a $1,000 trip.
Worst gift: Worst gift,
huh? OK, here goes. One year, I got (ready for this?)
window cleaner! No kidding. MIL had just gone to a designer
glass factory and bought new crystal and a stained glass window.
And, she thoughtfully picked me up a bottle of this "special"
glass cleaner. That's it, that's all I got. My house
has just never been clean enough for her. The same year, she
gave my daughter a bracelet. When we turned the box over,
it said, "Free with your purchase of (very expensive brand
name) perfume (the woman is extremely wealthy). Sigh - aren't
families fun?
Signed - Sparkly In The
Northeast
I am at a complete loss.
I guess my expectations were too high when I thought that when I
married, I would easily be accepted as "one of the family".
It has not been that way. Since the planning of our wedding,
I could tell that my MIL did not like her son's choosing.
All of her comments didn't really bug me then. Before children,
we were never really around my ILs. We lived in the same small
town as them. When I was pregnant, she would say, "I
hope the baby does not come out dark." Then came our
baby girl - the first grandchild all the way around. MIL came
around almost every day in the beginning. If there was a day
that she didn't see our daughter, she would call my SIL, and say
that the baby was not going to love her. So, SIL would call
me and say that her mom is really upset. So, I would get on
the phone and try and reassure my MIL that my daughter will love
her and be close to her. My mom lived 2 hours away.
When she was in town to visit, SIL and MIL would call and hang up,
or ask when my mom was leaving. I would tell them that they
were still welcome to come over, even if my mom was visiting.
Sometimes, my MIL would come over when my mom was there, but she
was very rude. My husband's dad and step-mom lived in the
same town. If we were visiting them, my MIL would get very
upset. We could never leave our daughter with SIL, or FIL
and his wife, without my MIL throwing a tantrum. After a few
months of this, it really started to get to me. I couldn't
believe that this behavior was happening. I felt that my daughter
deserved to be loved by all her grandparents. And, I was a
first time mom - I just wanted to worry about my husband and I bonding
with my child. I thought everything else would fall into place.
I started to dread the visits with my MIL. Whether it was
me going to her house or her coming over, she would completely ignore
me, or be rude. I tried to talk to her and share with her
pictures of my daughter, but she wouldn't have anything to do with
me. She would always take my daughter to a different room.
My husband would not go by himself to his mother's with our daughter.
He felt torn, and would not say anything, and he started to just
not come home. Instead, he spent time with his friends.
When I would go grocery shopping, I would leave my daughter with
her so they could have "their time". Whatever I
tried to do was not good enough. I guess I needed to give
her the baby 24/7! I had to work. So, being that my
daughter was in daycare most of the day, I just wanted to go home
and spend time with her. Sometimes, I would not turn any lights
on in the house, so that it looked like nobody was home. I
look back and wish I had sternly stood my ground. What is
funny is that my husband and I were so torn about putting our daughter
in daycare, and we asked his mom if she would be able to.
She was working, too, but said the only way she would quit and take
care of our baby was if her daughter had a baby too. Then,
she was always saying that she wished she had a grandbaby from her
daughter. I never understood this, because she had a least
one grandbaby from us. She started to turn her family against
me, and would tell all her friends and family that we would not
let her watch or get close to our daughter. For my daughter's
first Christmas, she sent a really special letter addressed to my
husband and our daughter. At her house, she put a stocking
up for everybody - her husband, herself, her daughter and her husband,
the other son and his GIRLFRIEND, my husband, our daughter, and
her dog. She would do things like this. I took it really
hard around Christmas time, because I wanted that Christmas to be
special. My husband still said nothing. Well, my daughter
was 11 months old at this point. We moved to a town that was
3 hours away. It was much nicer, but my MIL still came about
once a month. When she was over, I would just give her and
my daughter their space. We then had a son, and she initially
would not have anything to do with him. She would only comment
that he was so dark. For family functions, she would still
show that my son and I were not part of her family. Well,
we moved again, due to job related reasons, this time to a city
that was now 7 hours away. Since living here, we have actually
had more peace. The visits are actually nicer. We have
3 kids now (another little boy). All of them seem to show
her lots of love, and vice versa. It has been 5 years now.
Every now and then she will still make comments that she didn't
get to spend time with our daughter. My SIL still has no kids.
But, when she does, MIL will stay home and take care of them.
The BIL finally had a baby boy a couple of months ago. They
live about 15 hours away. MIL tells them that if they move
back home, she will take care of their baby. I thought that
things were fine, until just a few days ago when my MIL said something
to my husband that just really brought back all the feelings from
that first year my daughter was born. She still feels that
she didn't have her adequate time with her granddaughter, and that
it was because we didn't want her to! I don't know what more
this lady wants!? She got to spend lots of time with our daughter.
I have had a hard time dealing with this. Help. I would
appreciate all suggestions.
Signed - Frustrated,
Confused, And Disappointed
RESPONSE: Frustrated, Confused, And Disappointed
I also am a DIL who isn't good enough for DH, or even our own son.
My MIL puts me down unfavorably to her own SILs (who are of the
same culture - they all immigrated here, and I was born here).
She makes horrific statements, such as telling me that my DH is
going to die soon because he's not involved in THEIR church and
THEIR culture (a choice he made many years before he met me).
Should my DH ever query (which is rare) what they've said to me,
he tells me that I must be misunderstanding them, and I should forgive
them their bad English (which isn't bad at all - they've both worked
full-time in quite high-level responsible jobs, and have lived here
over 30 years). As for my son, they refer to him as their
son, and he's to call them mum and dad in their native tongue (I
didn't know what the words meant for ages). They held a birthday
party for our son, without inviting us, while he was visiting them
for a weekend. They held another birthday party for him while
my son and I were staying with them (while we were renovating -
something I'll never do again). They lied, saying that people
were coming over for afternoon tea and they couldn't stop them from
coming. So, when we returned from our day out (taking our
son to a local farm/zoo), we found a full-on birthday party with
balloons, party bags, etc. The cake I made was put in the
pantry and not used. Had we been informed, I would have liked
to have asked MY parents and a couple of friends, but I hadn't thought
it worth asking them to travel (an hour and a bit both ways - more
at the peak hour traffic time that they held it in - it's taken
me 3 hours one day while traveling to their house in peak hour traffic,
but that's another story). They constantly refuse our offers
for them to come to our house for a meal, even when DH requests
it. When I request it, I'm told I'm depriving MIL of her house
(as she works full-time). When I was still pregnant, MIL wanted
to know when I was having the next one, and, when was I planning
on going back to work so that she could have care of our child (she
was planning on having our child live with her during the weekdays
and weeknights). DH was actually firm then. He didn't
want to have me work (he grew up with her working full-time).
They constantly buy my child gifts, fill him up with junk food,
and suffocate him with their family, and their family stories, never
including my family, or even us. They manipulate longer visits.
And, one visit was extended long enough for them to take him to
a local show that we'd been planning to take him (our son) to for
months. By putting DH on the spot, they know how to get a
yes without consulting me or giving us a chance to discuss it.
MIL recently bought our son's back-to-school equipment. Had
she asked me (or even invited me along), I would have been able
to inform her that my son already had several lunchboxes from last
year in perfectly good condition - one was not even used yet (I
have 6 in the cupboard!). And, that the school he attends
issued a list of very precise instructions of what to purchase (even
with the brand of product and description). And, with school
starting two days later, I had already purchased it all. Not
only do we already have what she purchased at home, but it doesn't
match the list. If I disagree or dare to say no (I made her
take the lunchbox back home with her), the hurt voice and tears
in the eyes make their regular appearance. When she buys the
frequent gifts for my son (we live in a very small house with little
storage area, but in a lovely area - which she hates, since it's
too far for her to visit frequently), she gives them to him immediately
so that, if DH or even I find them not suitable (or he already has
the same), we are not able to part him from it. Therefore,
we give in. When we stayed with them (during our renovations),
they took him out every day without informing me (usually when I
was in the shower), leaving no note, and turning their mobile phones
off. They would come home quite late, so I rarely saw my son
over the long 7 weeks. I was also not allowed to make any
decisions, as everything I decided was wrong. My son was very
spoilt and it took a lot of basic discipline, care, and love to
have my boy back to the caring, sensitive boy he is (rather than
the bossy, spoilt, selfish brat they'd turned him into - which he
turns into every time he stays there). They show no discipline
with him, never uttering the word "no". He is rude
and spoilt when he comes home from being with them. Even in
my own home, I am never shown any respect during the rare times
that they visit (never for a meal, but to have one cup of tea and
then leave). Every decision I make is questioned. If
I discipline my son in front of them, I'm told I'm hard (even when
my son has struck me - he's a small child) and that I'm wrong.
My taste is wrong (I have no taste according to them), and nothing
in my house is good enough. I have been willing to give way,
showing sympathy for the conditions that they suffered in coming
here, and what they gave up to survive, but they just take more
and more advantage of me. And, DH lets them. I have
suggested that we do things, like planning birthday parties together.
But, MIL just wants to "help me" by doing it all.
I feel like I'm constantly on the watch for manipulation.
And, that the constant giving is like being force fed.
RESPONSE: Frustrated, Confused, And Disappointed
Been there. It's a no win situation. I have bent over
backwards for my MIL, and just got slammed in return. Nothing
is ever good enough for some people. She and my FIL have been
divorced and since remarried for 25 years. Yet, she complained
if the FIL got to spend 10 minutes more with the grandchildren.
Eventually, what we did was to spend all our time with the FIL and
his wife, and no time with the nasty MIL and her husband.
After years and years of screaming matches and silent treatments,
she appreciates the few hours she gets, and doesn't complain anymore.
Your MIL should be grateful for the time she does get, not demand
more. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Frustrated, Confused, And Disappointed
It sounds to me like his mom needs another baby. Don't let
her stress you out. She is mean and rude. Has she stopped
to think that maybe there's a reason she hasn't spent a lot of time
with her granddaughter? You sound like a nice person who is
willing to forgive and bend over backwards for others. Stop!!
She doesn't deserve it. Be happy with your own family unit.
Don't let her steal your happiness.
RESPONSE: Frustrated, Confused, And Disappointed
Your MIL sounds like a true b!tch. Why don't you pick up the
phone and ask her directly what she means and where she gets these
crazy ideas. I think direct confrontation is best - if you
don't get answers from this woman, then this problem will never
really go away. Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel -
your relationship is a farce anyway. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Frustrated, Confused, And Disappointed
I think you are in a no-win situation with this woman. She
has herself convinced that you kept her from her granddaughter,
so you will always be the bad guy. This allows her to justify
her cruel behavior towards you. I would avoid this woman as
much as possible. I have to sa, your DH is a class-A jerk
for allowing his mother to treat you so poorly! Christmas
stockings for everyone, including the dog, but not you? He
needs to grow a serious spine! I'm sorry you had to put up
with all of that. You deserve a lot better. Thankfully
you live far enough away that you don't have to deal with your MIL
so much anymore. She sounds selfish, childish, and cruel.
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