If there are any DILs reading this, I sure hope it clarifies a few things.  I have gone from one extreme to the other as far as having a MIL.  As a divorced mother of 2, I am extremely glad to be rid of my ex-MIL, as she was truly evil, spiteful, etc.  She forged my ex-DH's and my signature and social security number on some papers.  Before ex-DH and I were married, he had a joint checking account with her.  And, he found out just before the wedding that she had wiped it out.  There was about $2,000 in the account at that time.  We did our best to forgive her, only to be kicked again when she decided to play favorites with her grandkids.  She actually went to the extent of badmouthing our child when he was all of 13 months old.  At that point, we severed all ties with the old battle ax.  He and I were divorced for other reasons, as she hadn't had involvement in our lives for nearly 10 years at that point.  I am now remarried to a wonderful man whose mother is not mean by nature, but she is a nuisance.  She is the type who wants to know every time one of us or the children has a bowel movement.  She still lives in the same small town DH grew up in, yet he hasn't lived there in nearly 8 years.  She wants to know how much money we both make, and any medical information.  And, anything DH does, she just gushes over, as he is just so woooooooonnnnnnnnnndddddddeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrffffffuuuuuuuullllllllll.  It's not that she doesn't like me, quite the contrary.  She wants to know everything about me and the children.  She has opened her home and her heart to them, and accepted them as if they were her own biological grandchildren (which, in itself is a wonderful thing, because they always had that void on my ex-DH's side).  However, I like to keep a lot of aspects of my life private - finances, medical info, etc.  She is just so smothering sometimes.  She lives 2 hours away, so we see her about once a month.  But, she calls DH at work no less than once a day, and sometimes will call the house 2-3 times a day, usually late at night, since we both work.  She knows better than to call me at work, because I don't appreciate the intrusion.  She went so far as to stop at my workplace once.  She wanted to see my office, wanted to meet my coworkers, and even wanted to know where I park my car.  I was absolutely mortified.  I told her I do not like drop-ins at home, and most certainly not at my place of business.  She has kind of cooled her heels since this.  The only real reservation I think she has with me is the fact that I cannot give DH any biological children.  Oh, sure, she thinks I am way too independent, and shouldn't focus so much on my career and business.  She even thinks I am offensive regarding how "private" I am.  All in all, we get along, but, if she weren't DH's mother, I would have nothing to do with this nosey woman.  I have come to the conclusion that, although not all MILs are the same, they are all a pain in the backside.  In retrospect, if I had known all the hurt and heartache my ex-MIL would inflict, I probably would have never married my first DH.  I took this into consideration the second time around, and, ultimately, decided I could deal with my current MIL.  I just have to remind her of her place from time to time.  Just a word of advice for those young, soon-to-be DIL's - being a DIL is NOT for the faint hearted.

        Signed - Been There, Still Doing It

RESPONSE:  Been There, Still Doing It
Your MIL's nosiness, as harmless as it seems, is disturbing and destructive.  I had a MIL like that.  I used to feel that she "loved" me and our child.  I let my defenses down, thought it was harmless snooping, and lived to regret letting her in on ANYTHING.  Information is power, and she's building up her arsenal.  And, she has NO BUSINESS wanting to know financial or medical info.  She's up to something, so don't let her in.  There's no reason in the world for her to have shown up at your work, by the way, and you are right to instinctively feel that this was wrong.  That's horrible.  I'd get your DH to put a stop to his mother's snooping - NOW.  The next time she wants to snoop, or does something you don't like, why not ask her, "Did you let your MIL know you and your husband's finances?".  If she says, "YES," to justify her actions, I'd say, "Well, that's not the kind of marriage we have, or want."  Confront her with lots of questions about HER marriage, her finances, her ILs, etc.  Ask to see HER medical records, etc., etc.  When she balks, say, "Well, you're always asking us for our information - let's check out your bank accounts, friends, etc.".

RESPONSE:  Been There, Still Doing It
Oh my God, are you talking about MY MIL?  You have described her perfectly, even down to the gushing about how wonnnnnnderrrfullllll everything about my DH is!  Boy, do I sympathize.  Everything is the same.  Sometimes, I just stew with anger and resentment toward her.  It's a long story.  I think about it every day (and pretty much check this site every day - you guys are great!).  But, it's so depressing to think MILs are automatically awful, because we're going to be MILs someday (or a lot of us are).  How can we not turn into monsters ourselves?  My own mother is a good MIL.  She doesn't have a big ego, and doesn't feel like she has to have her own way, which is part of it.  She's supportive and loyal to her son-in-law (my DH adores her) and also to my SIL (who also adores her).  She's closer to my SIL than to my brother.  Boy, she would NEVER be nosy, intrusive, or gush over how wonnnnderfullll my brother is!  My question is:  If a woman really tries, CAN she be a good MIL?  Is it all about effort as opposed to self-indulgence?  It seems like a lot of the problems here are due to MILs being really egotistical, selfish, and self-indulgent.  If they'd really try not to be that way, could they be decent MILs?  Well, anyway, this whole thing depresses me like crazy.  But we really must have the same MIL!  Not evil, but she needs to back off.  I just would like to believe that it would be possible to be a good MIL if we really cared about that, and wanted to.  If we were humble (not arrogant) and totally supportive, would that do it?  Signature: Terrified of Becoming a MIL.

RESPONSE:  Been There, Still Doing It
I'd enjoy the peace.  I bet you anything you'd like that she'll get evil and spiteful very suddenly once she's realizes she can't get as close to you as she wants to.

Worst gift:  When I was 18, I was a broke university student.  My parents, on one income, gave, till it hurt, to my aunt and her children.  My mum wore hand-me-down clothes, but would give my aunt hundreds of dollars regularly, because she claimed to have no food in the house.  When we would visit to bring over food, firewood, money, etc., I would notice $100 plus perfume on her dresser, new brand name clothes in her wardrobe, and, finally, a new computer in my cousin's room.  I had no transport at university, so my aunt told my mother that I could have her daughter's old bike, as she didn't need it now that she had bought a car.  It was the ONE generous thing she ever did for our family.  Months later, my cousin demanded the bike back.  I gave it back, only to find out that she had sent it to the DUMP!  Pursued by drunk men on my way home from school, I angrily recalled this, as I would have been able to outrun them if I had had the bike.

        Signed - Molested For Lack Of A Bike

RESPONSE:  Molested For Lack Of A Bike
If you were physically and/or sexually attacked, get some help.  Don't blame your attack on the lack of a bike.  The attack took place because some very bad men wanted to hurt you.  The bike may not have saved you.  You need to speak to someone to work this out.  I hope you are not letting those bad men stop you from finishing your education.  The best thing for you to do is to let the bad experience make you stronger.  PLEASE get some help.

RESPONSE:  Molested For Lack Of A Bike
It's great that your parents helped out your aunt and cousins when they needed them.  But, why did they do so at the sake of their own family???  I had an aunt like that, always claiming to be broke and have no food for her 3 kids.  There was no food in the house for the kids, but she never lacked for anything.  My mom came up with a good solution.  Since they lived a state away, she just bought them gift certificates for the local grocery store.  That way, she HAD to buy food for the kids.  I understand always wanting to help out your family, but why couldn't your cousin give you a ride if she had a car???  I would cut ties with them.  It sounds like they are just using your family's generosity.

We just got married, and my parents spent thousands of dollars on the wedding, as well as buying us an extremely generous wedding gift (couch, loveseat, recliner, two coffee tables, and kitchen table set).  My FIL was asked to be the best man.  Did my husband have a "bachelor" party?  No.  My brothers took him out.  Did FIL give us a wedding gift?  No, not even a card.  It was more like he was doing us a favor by agreeing to be in the wedding.  And, my SIL, who is a professional ballerina, cut out a PAPER HEART, glued it to construction paper, and put it in an ugly frame.  And she signed her "artwork".  That was her gift to us.  Had she been 15 years younger, it would've been cute.  The rest of his relatives were bad, but actually not as bad as what I just mentioned.  Unfortunately, the only people who were actually generous at our wedding were the people who were invited from their side who were NOT RELATED.

        Signed - Dumbfounded

RESPONSE:  Dumbfounded
Our wedding was the wedding from he!! too.  Both of our families were horrible with their ultra-controlling behavior (with mine refusing to attend if they didn't get their way, and my sister getting high and drunk and being insulting).  DH's family was "insulted" for not having their 300 relatives invited (despite the idea that my parents paying for the wedding), not having their "traditional" wedding for their culture (despite their OWN SON not wanting it at all), for not having their own music, etc., etc., etc.  We weren't spoken to for days afterwards, and neither side were on good terms with us, until we announced our child was to be a boy (oh the joys of ultrasounds).  Although my family seems to have recovered from the ill-feeling, some residual ill-feeling obviously exists, as DH is never invited to any of his extended family's gatherings, including weddings, christenings, etc.  These are the ones that my parents couldn't afford to invite - and our wedding had 90 people with 40 being DH's family, 15 being mine, and the remainder being close friends of DH's and mine.  Luckily, DH couldn't give a stuff, but it's so obvious that we're excluded, and it's because of his parents not getting their own way.

RESPONSE:  Dumbfounded
It sounds to me like your SIL will be getting craft items as gifts from now on.  Also, I would let DH do ALL of the gift shopping for his family.  You should not contribute any time to the gift buying effort.  Also, does DH buy you good gifts?  After all, he did come from this family and learned gift giving from them.

RESPONSE:  Dumbfounded
Incredible.  If I were in your place now, I'd know EXACTLY what to give your SIL and all the others who were cheap and ungrateful.  SAVE THE PAPER HEART (to be able to show it as an "acceptable" gift) and cut out others.  Every time it's a birthday, anniversary, graduation, etc., give them a paper heart gift like that!!  Sign it, and make your own frame from twigs!!  I'm serious by the way.  They set the precedent.  For cheapo, non-gift people like FIL:  Give NO presents.  Just attend the function or party, shake their hands (as they did yours), and DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY.  And EAT ALL THEIR FOOD!

RESPONSE:  Dumbfounded
I can relate to your story, as my husband and I were married this past July.  We had a small wedding with just my parents, one brother and sister-in-law, his mother, and one sister and brother-in-law.  We really did not want any family there, but decided it would hurt feelings if we did not.  So, that was all we had.  It was very small, because that is the way we chose it to be.  On the day we were married, my parents gave us a card, brother and sister-in-law gave a gift, and we received nothing from his side of the family (not even a card).  We also went to dinner after the ceremony with my brother and sister-in-law and his mom.  When we got to the restaurant, the waitress asked if this were going to be on one bill or separate bills.  Who spoke up first?  His mother did, and she said, "Separate bills."  To top this all off, his baby sister was getting married in November.  His mother paid for the entire wedding, and bought her a very nice shower gift.  I do not know what they got for a wedding gift, because by that point in time, my husband was so ticked off for not even getting a card that we did not go to his sister's wedding.  It did not bother me that my parents only gave us a card, as this was my second wedding.  But, this was my husband's first wedding.  You would have thought that his mother could have at least acknowledged the fact that he was married.  Needless to say, this has caused many hurt feelings, and since his sister's wedding, things have been said, but not repaired.  We are, at least, on speaking terms with his mother.  I don't understand how parents can treat their children that way.  I have a 14-year-old son from my first marriage, and I would never do that to him.  When he gets married, I will offer to help pay for the wedding, buy a gift, and do what ever else needs to be done, because I Love my son, and I would never want to hurt him in that way.  Good luck.