Here's one: Over
the Christmas holidays, we went to stay with my in-laws. My
MIL and SIL (both flabby, full of zits, bearing dark circles under
their eyes from smoking and ratty, dry hair) have the nerve, every
time we come there, to lean in close to me and find some teeny-weeny
thing wrong on my face, clothes, whatever. This Christmas,
my MIL leaned in really close, squinting, and said, "Isn't
that a small pimple starting on your chin? I've noticed it
there before." A couple of days later, I had a tiny fever
blister on the corner of my mouth. Suddenly, while everyone's
watching TV, my MIL began loudly relating how she "read an
article that fever blisters are really herpes - and that BRAIN DAMAGE
is imminent!" I said that "was ridiculous",
and asked if she was referring to the small fever blister I had?
Acting surprised, she said, "Oh sweetheart! I had no
idea you had herpes! Let me have a look at that!"
She then got everybody in the IL family to come over and start going,
"OOH GROSS!" I am a former model by the way - not
bad looking.
Signed - Former Model
RESPONSE: Former Model
I hate to burst your bubble of superior indignation. Cold
sores/fever blisters are caused by the Herpes Simplex Virus.
It is a form of the same virus that causes genital herpes, and is
highly contagious. It is very important to refrain from kissing
and engaging in oral sex while you have a visible sore. The
virus lives in your body, and just shows up every now and then.
This is sometimes caused by stress. Perhaps the stress of
being with such delightful people (sarcasm drips).
RESPONSE: Former Model
Perhaps you should start to point out their flab, pimples, and ratty
hair. For some people, being the bigger person doesn't matter,
so, heck, join in.
RESPONSE: Former Model
I was flabbergasted when I read your story. What awful people
they are! Well, just keep being kind to them, I guess.
That's probably the way they treat everyone. They sound like
a mess! I have a slightly different situation. I think
I'll write in for advice about it. My MIL is the former model,
and I get awfully insecure about her sometimes!
RESPONSE: Former Model
One word for you: Jealousy! Your ILs seem to have a
bad case of it. Your MIL and SIL are pathetic! When
your MIL starts talking about an impending pimple, you should start
talking about a tip you learned in your modeling days. "Oh,
MIL, I better go put some toothpaste on this. That's a MODEL'S
trick, you know, that I learned from my MODELING days. Were
you ever a MODEL, MIL? No? Well, yeah. I didn't
think so." That will shut her trap. LOL!
Frequent
Fry Her TM - Colorado Mama
1 of 4 /Posted: 28-JAN-02
My daughter is 6 months old. Ever since she
was born, my MIL has been eager to have DD baptized at her church,
even though we are not members. My husband and I recently
moved back to Colorado, after working in Illinois for 5 years.
Months before we moved back, my MIL said that she'd check her church's
policy on nonmember baptisms. That was the last that we'd
heard anything about it until days before we were due to load the
moving truck and drive back to Colorado. Our move date was
October 22, with an estimated 3 days of driving, and arrival on
October 25. My MIL called to tell me that her minister had
been asked to leave (church politics), so we needed to contact him
immediately to get the baptism rolling. She had also told
him that he couldn't leave before November 4 because, "She
had a granddaughter that needed to be baptized on that day."
Needless to say, I was completely livid. I hung up without
discussing it any further, then lit into DH about what a moron his
mother was. She had gone ahead and tried to schedule a baptism
without consulting us, without giving me a chance to invite my family,
without allowing us to choose any Godparents, without considering
that this would take place just 10 days after making a major move,
nothing. DH, of course, couldn't see why I was so upset, and
he kept saying, "I'm sure she hasn't scheduled anything."
What followed was the worst screaming that DH had ever received
from me. After we arrived in Colorado, my MIL called to see
what plans had been made to get DD baptized. When I said that
we were going to wait until after the first of the year, his mother
said, "Oh, so I guess you're not doing it on November 4?"
I said that we weren't, because planning it for sometime in the
future would give my family a chance to attend. She said,
"Oh, yes. That would be nice." NICE?
Isn't it a REQUIREMENT that all family members have a chance to
attend something like this? My family lives in Wisconsin,
and that's where DH and I were married. Should I just have
assumed that his family wasn't going to attend that??? I also
said that we needed to get Godparents in line. She said that
she "hadn't thought of that" because Presbyterians don't
have Godparents. "Do Lutherans?", she asked.
Anyway, armed with her question about the 4th, I informed DH that
his mother HAD, in fact, attempted to schedule this. It's
nearing the end of January. In close to a month, DD will be
baptized by the chaplain at the YMCA of the little town in which
we live. That way, we don't have to worry about church politics
or nonmember policies or DH's mother running the show. Whenever
I mention the date, time, and location of the baptism, she abruptly
changes the story. As a side note, we originally had it scheduled
for February 10, but had to move it to February 17 due to the chaplain's
availability. When my MIL heard that it was on the 10th, she
told Dave that it was a good thing the baptism wasn't on February
3 because the bell choir that they play in for church was scheduled
to play at both services that day. So, she won't even skip
bell choir for the baptism that she originally tried to set up!
We haven't heard back from her on the new date of the 17th.
If bell choir plays that day, I'm sure they won't come.
RESPONSE: She Won't Even Skip Bell Choir
First of all, your MIL really does sound like a piece of work, so
I really feel for you. I hope she respects your plans.
Nevertheless, as a professional musician who directs handbell choirs,
I feel compelled to post some perspective on the situation with
the bell choir. It's not something that anyone would necessarily
know about, unless they had direct experience. When a bell
choir is scheduled to perform, it's *extremely* difficult to replace
a ringer who has to be absent on that day, no matter how good the
reason. Many bell choirs adopt ultra-strict attendance expectations
for this reason. For example: The morning of my wedding,
I was right there with my bell choir when they performed for two
consecutive Sunday services as usual. That's not because I
didn't have anything else to do, but because I knew that the other
ringers, all dear friends who were there at my wedding later that
day, would be unable to perform in church without me there.
I doubt your MIL is able to articulate why the bell choir needs
her there without alienating you even more than she already has.
But I hope this takes away a tiny bit of your irritation with her.
RESPONSE: She Won't Even Skip Bell Choir
Do you think that maybe you overreacted here? After reading
your story, I can certainly understand why you would be annoyed,
but I do not understand the severe reaction you apparently had.
Your MIL may have been thoughtless, but she didn't schedule the
baptism, nor did she attempt to do so. She simply gave you
a date they could do it at her church. Clearly, it was important
to her to have it at her church, and to have her minister perform
the service. That's not such a terrible crime. And,
you should recognize that when you told her the 4th wouldn't work,
she didn't attempt to pressure you into going with that date.
Or, for that matter, she didn't attempt to pressure you into having
it at her church (so she does seem to respect the fact that you
are in charge). That's not insignificant! On another
note, why would you yell at your husband and give him the "worst
screaming he's ever heard" for something his MOTHER did???
Marriages can be easily damaged by screaming fits. One thing
I've learned over the years is that men are really turned off by
hysterics and women out of control with their emotions. In
the future, try to talk with your husband about what is bothering
you instead of screaming at him. If the screaming becomes
a habit, he'll simply start tuning you out and thinking that you
just overreact to everything. If you speak to him calmly,
he's far more likely to be open to what you have to say. Good
luck!
RESPONSE: She Won't Even Skip Bell Choir
I don't know what kind of Presbyterian church she goes to, but my
family is Presbyterian, and both of my sisters and I all have godparents.
Good for you to take control of your life back to where it belongs
- with you!
Frequent
Fry Her TM - Colorado Mama
2 of 4 /Posted: 28-JAN-02
The following comes from an e-mail that I sent out
to friends following a visit from my husband's parents. Our
daughter was born in July, 2001. DH's parents are out for
a week long visit, which is a looooooong time. His mother's
catch phrase is "You know what you should do ---", followed
by a piece of advice. I've been dreading the visit ever since
I heard about it a month ago because the advice is sure to be worse
now. I'm in the midst of the visit, and am praying in earnest
for a heart attack to hit me. Since DH is on the 3-11 shift
and has had no time, I've had no one to run interference for me
this week. I've already been given the following advice, which
I call "Chicken Soup for the Homicidal Daughter-in-law's Soul":
1. When you have leftover food, it's a good idea to put it
into the freezer. 2. Sterilize all of your bottles by
boiling them, because regular dish water just isn't safe.
3. When fingernails get too long, they need to be cut.
4. Don't ever prepare any bottles ahead of time and put them
in the refrigerator, because that's not sanitary, and the formula
will leach into the bottles, which means you have to sterilize them
all over again. 5. Sew together two of DH's old t-shirts
and create a towel for the baby that will be vastly superior to
the new dish cloths that are being used now for wiping up spit.
6. Don't wash dishes with cold water. 7. Always
powder the baby's butt with corn starch, and use only the cream
for diaper rash, even if there is no rash present. 8.
You can't spoil a newborn, so make sure that you pick up the baby
whenever she cries, and don't ever just let her lay there and cry
for any length of time, because that will cause her to develop unattached
child syndrome. 9. It doesn't hurt to try to feed her
each time she cries, either, because feeding schedules are not to
be followed. And, so what if she spits up all over.
10. When feet get cold, socks warm them up. 11.
It's better to talk in complete sentences than in choppy phrases.
12. Look out - all of this humidity makes the air feel warmer
(they're from Colorado, and we lived in Illinois at the time.)
In response, I've begun a list of my own observations: 1.
When burping a baby, it's a good idea to pat the back and not the
stomach. 2. If a baby spits a pacifier out, that means
that it is not wanted at that time. Forcing it into the baby's
mouth and holding it there causes undue stress to both the child
and its mother, as evidenced by the screaming cries coming from
both. 3. When holding a baby, the neck must be supported
at all times in order to prevent unattached head syndrome.
Letting the head flop backwards is never good. 4. After
DD totally barfed all over you the first time you held her, I wasn't
in the kitchen getting a towel - I was in the bathroom laughing
my butt off. But, let's not just focus on that. Let's
look at a few other facts from this past week: DD had, of
late, developed the habit of super soaking us with her spitting
up to the point where I didn't believe that she was getting enough
to eat. I also believed that she probably had pyloric stenosis,
which is where the valve between the stomach and intestines is overgrown
and no food can get through. Eventually, it all comes back
out in a wicked vomit. Since my dad, my brother, my sister
and I all had this condition, our family is VERY familiar with the
symptoms, to the point of looking for it as soon as a new baby is
brought home. It's corrected by a simple surgery through the
stomach, so we all have the corresponding scars that let us know
that we're in the pyloric club. By Friday morning, she'd launched
all over me again. So, I called the doctor and got an appointment.
The doctor checked her out and sent her for an ultrasound.
There, the pyloric stenosis that appeared was "so perfect"
that the doctors brought in all of the ultrasound techs and nurses
for a quick teaching course to see what this condition looked like.
The doctor came down and escorted us to the pediatric ward, where
she was admitted. A few hours later, she was good as new,
and we went home Saturday afternoon. At the hospital, upon
hearing the Polish nurse's accent, Dave's mom asked her what country
she was originally from. She then asked if the nurse still
kept up with speaking the Polish language!!!! The nurse gave
her a puzzled look, but kindly replied that she was 12 when she
moved to the US, and that you never lose your mother tongue.
Plus, she still used it to speak with her parents on a daily basis.
Then, I swear to God, DH's mom said, "Good. Make sure
you never lose that bilingual ability. That's so important."
At this point, I fell onto the floor and assumed the fetal position
with my eyes rolled back into my head, blood coming out of my ears
and nose, and my tongue draped on the floor. The nurse grabbed
the defibrillator off the wall, yelled, "Clear!" in perfect
Polish, and revived me to live another day. So the DD saga
is over and everything is fine. It was easy to deal with since
we've had it in the family so often. The doctors were amazed
at the family history. But it made my job a whole lot easier.
Since it was such a familiar thing, I was less worried and more
able to focus on supporting DD. My mother, however, was a
nervous wreck. That is why I politely declined her offer to
come down and "be there" for me. That's all I'd
need. Other than that, not much is going on.
RESPONSE: Politely Declined Her Offer
Heh, heh, heh. MIL advice about babies - funny stuff, I get
it too. Some of my favorites have been: 1) Don't
wear ANY jewelry because the baby (who's all of 3 months old) will
rip it off you and stuff it down his throat. 2) Don't wear
barrettes in your hair because baby will rip them off you and either
put his eye out or stuff them down his throat. 3) Baptize
the baby or he will grow up to be a plundering, pillaging, marauding,
very bad guy who also picks on animals and fails to tip 15% (I think
that's an insult aimed at me and my lack of religion). 4)
Get rid of the puppy, because he'll bite the baby at every opportunity
( worst thing baby's gotten from puppy is a vicious foot licking
or two). It's always good for a laugh, or twenty.
RESPONSE: Politely Declined Her Offer
I'm glad you have such a sense of humor. My MIL is the same
way, although we don't have children. She believes herself
to be the Fount of All Earthly Knowledge, and will question just
about anything that comes out of my mouth. She went back to
college a few months ago, and while I applaud her ambition, a little
knowledge in her possession is a tedious thing. Now, she's
lecturing me on American literature (which I actually teach at the
college level). I feel sorry for her. Obviously she's
insecure, as are a lot of women of that generation who dropped out
of college to raise children and keep house. But, she still
drives me nuts.
RESPONSE: Politely Declined Her Offer
LOL about "Chicken Soup for the Homicidal DIL's Soul."
Your MIL must have driven you up the wall! I would have felt
homicidal too!
My MIL and I worked at
the same place, and I got laid off recently. She made a remark
to my SIL that I should have expected I'd get laid off, since I'm
so slow at everything at work. As you can tell, I don't get
along so hot with my MIL! She's had a chip on her shoulder
for the past 8 years. I've been with her son for 15.
Her son has health problems, and is in and out of the hospital frequently.
He has one kidney, which isn't working the greatest, among other
health problems. I got laid off on Jan 4th. We have
only seen my MIL ONCE since then. My husband had to go to
the hospital. She showed up there. I didn't call her,
but called my BIL to tell him about his brother being in the hospital.
At the hospital, I went and took a coffee break while I was waiting
to find out about my husband. When I came back, I saw her
standing there glaring at me. She was mad that I didn't call
her about her son being there. She sounds "concerned"
you're thinking, right? WRONG! She hasn't called to
see how he is since this happened about 2 weeks ago. She lives
right down the street from us too, so could have easily stopped
by. My SIL told us recently about another time when my husband
went in the hospital, and MIL told her that they hadn't expected
him to live past being a teenager. It is as if they've already
written him off! I'm at my wits end how to handle her!
She never calls or visits us, and treats her son the same as me
(so, I know it isn't just that she doesn't like me)! We don't
visit her or call her either, since she treats us like this.
I just feel so badly for my husband that I am his only support.
He has me and his best friend, and that is it! Sorry if this
is long. I just needed to tell someone.
Signed - Outcasted DIL
And Son
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