Could you guys maybe share
some thoughts, advice, anything, on this silly problem I have?
I'm 40, and I'm six years older than my husband. I don't think
I look that much older, but I've gotten so insecure about my appearance.
My MIL is a former model. She is in her sixties, but she got
a lot of attention (maybe she was considered a bombshell) when she
was younger. And, even though she's overweight, she has an
hourglass figure and huge Ally McBeal lips. She clearly thinks
of herself as a very charming, attractive, sexy woman. I am
not nearly as curvaceous (I seem to have inherited my father's chest),
and I'm not helplessly feminine, like she is. I wear overalls
and work outside! Here's the thing: She notices EVERYTHING.
She notices (and coolly remarks on) the size of people's feet, whether
they're having hot flashes and their faces are red, everything.
She doesn't show any compassion or kindness in these observations
- it's all very cool and appraising. She is almost frighteningly
observant. Another aspect is this: One time, my DH was
being honored. I really got dressed up to try to look nice
for him (in black silk). She just wore an ordinary outfit,
like khaki pants and a blouse. But she looked at me and said,
"I think we BOTH look REALLY NIIIICE." Heaven forbid
she should just compliment me for really making an effort, when
she made minimal effort. She had to compliment herself, too.
We had our picture taken together, and she looked at it and gushed,
"TALK ABOUT NOT LOOKING my AAAAGE!" She brags about
how good she is with people, how men have adored her, etc.
Before I met my DH, I was considered beautiful by at least some
men, and had my share of suitors (I am telling you this in confidence
- I do NOT brag about it to HER!!). But, over the years, being
married to my DH with this appraising, self-adoring MIL, I feel
terribly insecure about my looks. It's not all because of
her, of course. It's because I am not a very confident person.
But, I find myself pulling out my gray hair, bleaching my teeth,
everything - just so she can't observe those flaws in my appearance
and feel superior. For some women, enhancing their appearance
is fun. But, I do it desperately and defensively so that I
don't feel so ashamed in front of my MIL's appraising, eagle eye.
I have never been so desperate to look good! On the other
hand, maybe the better I look the worse it gets. Do you folks
have any insight regarding this?
Signed - Trying Too Hard
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
It really sounds like your MIL is the insecure one, else she wouldn't
have to compliment herself so much. And, she sounds like a
has-been who is still living in her past. I don't know if
you have talked to your DH about this, but I think she would change
her tune if she just heard him say something like, "I'm very
biased, of course, but I think my wife is the most beautiful woman
in the world, inside and out!" After this response by
DH a couple of times, I don't think she would look forward to praising
herself and having to hear you praised in return. Or, you
could just always say, "Gee, you do look great CONSIDERING
YOUR AGE!" Hope this helps. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
You sound like a nice, caring person. You also sound insecure.
I understand how that is because I'm that same way too. In
fact, I think it's unavoidable, as a woman, because there's so much
pressure put on women to look good. It seems to me that your
MIL doesn't have any identity to hold on to, except for her looks.
And, she only values that in others because SHE'S only been valued
that way. She's bought into the propaganda. What a sad
existence! Of course, she's trying to drag you into it.
It sounds like you have a lot more going on than your MIL does,
and I think you should continue to develop your inner person/identity.
Do the things you love, develop skills/talents you're proud of,
and radiate beauty from the inside, as well as from the outside.
Your outer beauty will just be a bonus. In fact, I think that
looks are so overrated in this country. Of course, we're all
drawn to good looks initially, but after a few moments of getting
to know a person, isn't it so true that we suddenly begin to see
the real person, the inner person, for better or worse? I
know a very beautiful lady who is a mean monster on the inside,
and let me tell you, men run from her once they get to know her.
She has no friends. Despite her physical beauty, she is despised
because of her inner ugliness. I also know a very pretty woman
who has a lot going on in her life: She is a well-developed,
interesting, kind person. And, THAT makes her beauty all the
more beautiful! Also, have you ever met someone who initially
seems unattractive, but you get to know them and then you see what
a special person they are? Well, that's just more proof that
looks really aren't as important as the media likes to make them
seem. Remember, the media (magazines, etc.) has advertisers
who need to SELL their products (make-up, weight loss gimmicks,
clothes, face cream, etc.). And, what better way to do that
than prey on women's insecurity? My advice to you is this:
Concentrate on the wonderful, unique person you are. Don't
worry so much about the exterior (i.e., don't be a slave to it).
Groom yourself for fun, but not duty. And, stand back and
view your MIL from a separate, objective point of view. She
has a sad existence. She has bought into the myth that women
are only worth their exterior. It's the only way she feels
she can compete, and it's her only sense of value. LET her
have it - it's empty, trust me. The more you develop yourself
and radiate true happiness from the inside (which, incidentally,
is true beauty), the more green with envy she'll become, because
her life is so one-dimensional. Don't let her suck you into
her empty, superficial existence. Good luck, and keep us posted.
J
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
Your MIL sounds like a very unhappy person. I'm sure that
when she makes her little comments, it's only because she's just
as insecure as you are. Making snippy, shallow comments is
her way of bolstering her own self esteem. Take some time
away from her. Worry about making yourself happy and healthy.
When she makes her comments about other people, ignore them, or
ask why she cares.
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
I am so sorry that you have to endure such a narcissistic MIL.
From what you have said, it sounds as if she may have some insecurities
of her own. You say that she is a former model, therefore,
all she has ever had are her looks. She is possibly afraid
that losing her looks will make her just an ordinary person, like
the rest of us. I had to laugh that you inherited your father's
chest, because I, too, am small busted, and have been self conscious
of that since I was a teenager (to the point that at 30, I haven't
yet ruled out breast augmentation, but I digress). Is your
MIL horrible to you in any other way, besides focusing on the external
packaging of everyone? I think I would retaliate with some
remarks about the importance of inner beauty when she starts tearing
into people's appearances. Good luck to you!!
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
Here goes the old cliché"Beauty is only skin deep".
What matters in life is the beauty of a person's heart. Sounds
like MIL is as conceited as she is insecure. This is evident
by the fact she needs to notice everything about other people's
LOOKS and judge others to feel superior. Did she think Mother
Theresa could use a face lift? You see ... there is nothing
wrong with you or your looks. You are a beautiful person just
the way you are. You have your health, you can get out of
bed each day, and you aren't lying in a hospital bed dying of cancer
or a terminal illness ... so, no matter how you choose to dress,
or what your bra size is ... it doesn't matter. Remember that
you have your health, and you are beautiful just the way you are.
Like I said, ask your MIL if she thinks Mother Theresa could have
used a face lift. And, the answer you get will tell you everything
about the kind of SURFACE person she is.
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
After reading your story, I almost feel sorry for your MIL!
First of all, people who have to brag and size-up flaws of others,
always calling attention to their own so-called "attractiveness"
and "agelessness", are extremely insecure. This
is a fact, not just my opinion, and perhaps other responses will
bear this out. Believe it or not, SHE's the one suffering
from incredibly low self-esteem. And, you need to understand
this, and abandon putting YOUR self-esteem at risk. All of
her behaviors that you outlined underscore this. So, even
without you in the picture, she has a lot of sad issues to deal
with. Your age difference with her son - 6 years - is nothing,
by the way. Besides, love knows no age. You may actually
be provoking her insecurities. Why? Her sonny boy, the
light of her life, has chosen an "older woman".
She wonders what it is you've "got" that has hooked her
son. And, if you could bottle it, she'd be the first in line
to buy it. So, you're in the driver's seat. The only
thing you have to do is simply concentrate on remaining as lovely
as you are (your DH obviously chose you for the way you are) - and
work on keeping your marriage happy. Humor your MIL when she
brags, etc. Agree with her when she points out how lovely
she is. All she's got left are the memories of who she WAS.
And, in the end, it's rather pathetic. Again, I think once
you understand the situation, you'll realize you're wasting your
time and emotion by trying to compete with someone who actually
secretly envies YOU! Good luck.
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
Some people put others down to make themselves feel better.
They are the ones who are terribly unhappy. It sounds like
your MIL's insecurities and obsession with her looks are making
you miserable. Try not to let it bother you. It is not
a competition. You are a fantastic person, whether you have
gray hair or dyed hair. Appearance is only a small part of
the love equation! Your DH chose you because he loves everything
about you! Don't let MIL ruin it!!! You are something
special!!!
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
It sounds like your MIL is the insecure one. People who blow
their own horn are generally looking for attention, and are very
insecure. Be happy with yourself. Who cares if she thinks
that she is great? Comparing oneself will always get you hurt.
There will always be someone sexier, prettier, or nicer. There
is also always someone fatter, uglier and meaner. Be happy.
Let her compliment herself. Obviously, no one else is doing
it, or she wouldn't have to.
RESPONSE: Trying Too Hard
This is a really difficult situation for you. If you said
anything to her (such as, "Tell me, how much have you spent
on plastic surgery?"), she would think you were jealous.
Whenever you are talking to her and find an appropriate moment,
say, "Isn't vanity terrible?" This could shut her
up. Does your DH know about your insecurities, and about how
his mother makes you feel? Either way, sit him down and explain
it to him. Hopefully, he can learn to compliment you in front
of your MIL, as well as in private. Just pick something out
like, "Your hair looks nice," or, "That dress looks
good on you." No doubt your MIL will jump in with something,
looking for the attention to be drawn to her, but try to ignore
her when she does this. Get into the habit of complimenting
your DH at least once a day and he will return the favor.
This should build up your confidence.
I'm getting married in
March to the man I have always dreamed about. Except, in this
dream, he did not have a horrible, overbearing, mean spirited mother!
In fact, I don't think he had a crazy family, either. We recently
received some engagement gifts from his side of the family.
Not only have I never met these people, but I have never even heard
them mentioned before. So, I wrote them proper thank you cards,
Emily post verbatim. Then, we received a phone call from his
mother telling us that it was too impersonal, and that I had offended
her relatives (please understand that I had never met uncle X and
aunt Y, although that's what they expected to be called!).
So, now she has a comment to make about everything that I planned
for my wedding. I guess the only thing that keeps me sane
is that I'm doing this all by the book - literally. I practically
sleep with my Emily Post book. And, all she is doing, by acting
like a spoiled 5 year old, is to just show how ignorant and "uncouth"
SHE really is. This is a quite and amazing experience.
I guess I never really thought that there were really in-laws like
this, except in the movies!
Signed - Except In The
Movies!
RESPONSE: Except In The Movies!
Is she paying for any of the wedding? If not, don't listen
to anything she says. Just do whatever you want with your
wedding. Smile and nod when she offers "suggestions".
And, remember - this is YOUR wedding. It is based on YOUR
dreams and feelings, and will be the stuff of YOUR memories.
Don't let anyone coerce or guilt you into doing something that you
don't want to do on your day.
RESPONSE: Except In The Movies!
Yes, Virginia, there really are mean MILs. One of the first
things my MIL did was to get a Christmas card from my parents, and
then ask me who they were. Late came the nutty phone calls,
not only from her, but from her adult kids. Her discovery
of her life threatening cancer that she was supposed to die from
two years ago was another humdinger of drama excellency, worthy
of an Oscar. Towards the end of my wedding prep, she started
telling my fiancé, her oldest son, that I was not saying
"hello" or "good-bye" to her correctly.
This horse sh!t has gone on for 8 fascinating years. This
is an incredibly insecure woman, who even called her son a traitor
for moving in with his father for a short time after his parents
divorced. Do you wonder why they divorced? I can't even
call her my mother-in-law, as she certainly has never acted like
a proper mother to me! If you and your husband are secure
in your relationship, and he acknowledges how she is, then just
let her go. If not, you need to talk to your husband and set
some tolerance levels. Define what will and will not be tolerated
in your lives from this woman. Good luck, and keep your sense
of humor. You are going to need it.
RESPONSE: Except In The Movies!
You don't need her comments about your wedding plans. That
means that you should not include her, or tell her what your plans
are. If she asks/insists, I'd say, "Well, you were so
touchy about the thank-you notes to people I'd never met, much less
heard about, that I'd rather not get into anything else with you!"
Be polite, of course, and keep your sense of humor. She established
her "territory" right from the start - now so should you.
You can even put your arm around her shoulders and escort her out
the door with a patronizing, "Now, you just go do whatever
it is you do, and leave the wedding to us. Thanks, Mom!"
RESPONSE: Except In The Movies!
Oh my GOD! Do we have the same FMIL? It sure sounds
like it! I am getting married in June, and I am also marrying
the man of my dreams. I never ever thought about having in-law
problems when I thought about marrying someone. I thought
that was something that was so overdone. BOY WAS I WRONG!
I, too, have a FMIL from he!!. She is very tacky, rude, and
uncouth herself. She is the epitome of a redneck. It
is disgusting how unladylike she really is. Anyway, my advice
(which might not be much) is to keep as much information about the
wedding to yourselves (you and your FDH). Do not let FMIL
know anything that is going on with the wedding plans. When
she asks how things are going, a simple "fine" will be
sufficient. And, then, change the subject. Do not offer
any information, suggestions, or ask for her help in the wedding
plans. If she is paying for some of the wedding, then that
might be a tougher situation. But, mothers of the groom customarily
don't have any obligations, responsibilities, or anything to do
with the wedding itself. Is she paying for the rehearsal dinner?
If so, leave that to her, and stay out of that part of the planning.
If it goes wrong, it will blow up in her face, and SHE will look
badly, because people will know that the tradition is that the groom's
family throws that shindig. So, no worries. Don't offer
her any information that has to do with the wedding from now on.
It will save you A LOT of stress, and you can actually enjoy yourself.
Can you talk to your FDH about his mother? What does he say
about her and her unreasonable behavior? Good luck on this
one. Just remember, the groom's parents are strictly GUESTS
at the wedding (unless they are paying for some or all of it), and
I would treat them as so. I know I am going to do so for my
wedding. That is how awful my FMIL has been during the wedding
planning (I tell her NOTHING now). Good luck, and enjoy your
wedding!!
Worst gift: I went shopping
once (probably the last time) with my MIL at a discount bargain
store. She was looking for something to send to her sister
who lives on the west coast. She found a picnic basket for
five dollars. A couple of months later, she gave me a present
for my birthday. It was the same picnic basket. How
nice.
Signed - The Umbilical
Cord Is Choking Me!
RESPONSE: The Umbilical Cord Is Choking Me!
For her birthday, simply wrap it and give it back! Inside,
I'd put a note with a list of names: 1. HER SISTER ON
THE WEST COAST. 2. YOUR NAME. 3. HER NAME,
then, some blank lines with question marks. Finish with "Who's
next?" at the bottom of the list. If she doesn't think
it's funny, tell her that you think it's hilarious. And, that
you were sure she'd played a joke on YOU by giving it to you after
she'd bought it with you for her sister!
Worst gift: For my 30th
birthday, my MIL gave me a paper weight. Oh, sure, it was
nice and heavy.
Signed - I'm Being Choked
By My Husband's Umbilical Cord!
Worst gift: For Christmas
this year, my MIL actually bought us presents - which is something
she tends never to do (not for Christmas or birthdays - not ever).
Well, I got two handkerchiefs, and a little package of 5 white buttons!
Hmmmm. What do you say when you open that up?!
Signed - What Do You
Say?
RESPONSE: What Do You Say?
There is only one thing you can say: "Oh, my stars, I
just can't believe it. You have gone to FAR too much trouble.
I cannot possibly accept such an expensive item. Just knowing
your generosity is gift enough." Then hand them back.
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