Why is it that every time I mention something
about my 3 month old son to my MIL, she has to one-up me with
a story about my hubby? Some prime examples: Me:
"Hungry 1 month old baby drank 5 ounces!" She:
"Hubby drank 8 ounces all the time at that age!!"
Me: (looking proud) "Baby went to the doctor for his
2 month check up. He weighs 15 pounds!" She:
Hubby weighed 15 ponds when he was a month old!!" Me:
(since first teeth getting is genetic) "I got my first teeth
when I was 4 months old. How old was hubby when he got his?"
She: "Hubby had 8 teeth by the time he was 5 mos.!!"
Every single thing that baby does, or that I did as a baby, hubby
did it months and months before us. It's sort of weird.
It's like she's saying that I was an inferior baby, and that my
parenting abilities are seriously lacking in some way, since hubby
was so much smarter, bigger, and toothier than my baby or me.
Does anybody else's MIL do this to them? I feel like I'm
in some sort of weird, warped competition with her.
Signed - The Competitive
Inferior Baby
RESPONSE: The Competitive Inferior Baby
Yes, my MIL did the same thing. I used to "bait"
her after awhile. Just one of those amusing little ways
I kept my sanity. I pushed her into practically claiming
that DH was born dressed to attend his first prom in order to
compete with my son's accomplishments! LOL! Some people
would tell you that she's just trying to make conversation.
I don't think so. I think she is trying to make herself
feel important. Pitiful, but endurable. Try a break
from her, then see if you can stand the competition a little better.
Every time she begins to bug you, take another break. With
any luck, your breaks will add up to about 3 years! J.
Just kidding. But, the breaks may help you to listen to
one more competitive comparison.
RESPONSE: The Competitive Inferior Baby
Try this: YOU: "I started walking at 12 months!"
SHE: "Hubby started at only 8 months!" YOU:
"Did I say 12? I meant 4!", and so on for every
claim until she gets tired of you "correcting" your
misstatements. Heh, heh.
RESPONSE: The Competitive Inferior Baby
Don't get caught up in it. As people get older, their memories
go! My grandma tried to tell me that my aunt was potty trained
by the time that she was 6 months old (my kids were nearly 3 years
old). Some kids can't even sit by themselves at that age!
Every baby grows at a different rate, and every baby is wonderful
in his or her own way. I think that your MIL is probably
exaggerating (maybe because she is jealous, or whatever).
Enjoy your little angel, and don't worry about MIL.
RESPONSE: The Competitive Inferior Baby
I am delurking to respond to your entry. I cannot believe
that someone else is going through this foolishness also.
My hubby's mother ( I refuse to acknowledge this woman as anything
else) has constantly compared my daughter to my hubby when he
was a child. My DD was walking 3-4 steps alone by the time
she was 9 months. She had to say that DH was doing that
at 8 months. Each time that was mentioned to her, she had
to one up me. I try not to mention anything to her if I
can help it. You are correct - they are trying to say that
our parenting skills are not that great, and when they raised
their kids, they did things better. I feel that they do
not want to admit that we are just as good as they were at parenting,
if not better. This crazy woman even competes with my cooking.
If DH says he likes the way I prepare a certain dish, she has
to prepare the same meal for him when he visits. Oh, I could
go on and on with more examples. It gets so silly at times.
One has to feel sorry for them. If they had a life outside
of their adult children's lives, all of this nonsense we DILs
had to put up with would not happen.
RESPONSE: The Competitive Inferior Baby
My MIL also did that. But instead of comparing my DD to
my DH, she compared DD (her second grandchild) to her first grandchild,
who was a year older. After a few months of this one-sided
competition, I stopped telling MIL anything. When she would
ask how DD was doing, I would just reply, "fine."
If she pressed me for details ("Is she crawling/talking/walking/etc.
yet?", my response was, "Yes. Here's DH,"
and I would hand the phone to him.). So to save your sanity,
my advice is to proudly tell everyone but your MIL about your
baby's accomplishments. Or, if you have a good relationship
with your MIL, you could just tell her outright how you feel (obviously,
I don't, LOL).
I would rather have root
canal than be in the same room with my MIL. Someone please
tell me they can relate!!! She is a negative, miserable person
whom I have tried to ignore, and tried to love. I basically
tried everything in between in order to "live with her"
until she is finally GONE. God forgive me. The latest
series of nasty comments flew when DH mentioned that we were putting
our 3 year old twins in preschool. MIL stated, "I am
so glad you are finally learning to let go of your children.
DIL, you'll probably have a very difficult time letting go."
I wanted to reply, "THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT, YOU IDIOT!!!"
But, I didn't. I get criticized for staying at home with my
children, and the other DIL in the family got criticized for putting
her kids in day care while pursuing her career. I can't stand
the woman.
Signed - Thanks For The
Support MIL, You IDIOT!
RESPONSE: Thanks For The Support MIL, You IDIOT!
I am so glad to hear that you're finally letting go of YOUR children?
This hag needs to let go of HER children - and, they're sure not
preschoolers!! I'd just say, "Look, you're never happy,
are you?" Look her in the eye when you say it.
And, don't enter into arguments with her. Always refocus the
conversation back to HER - like, "Why did you and so-and-so
divorce?" "What exactly was the problem?"
Or whatever.
RESPONSE: Thanks For The Support MIL, You IDIOT!
Oh my, I think I wrote that in my sleep. It is my story EXACTLY.
I was a mooch because I never worked. So, after 13 years,
I decided to get a job. Now, I'm the BAD mom who works.
You cant win, so just work at keeping yourself and your kids happy
Hold your head up.
RESPONSE: Thanks For The Support MIL, You IDIOT!
That's how my MIL is, too. I think she'd be critical of anything
I did. She acts really gushing and friendly, but she is very
critical behind a person's back. It's like she doesn't approve
of anyone except herself. She's exactly like that - she'd
find fault with her DIL being a stay-at-home mom, and she'd find
fault with her if she had the kids in daycare. You can't win.
Just keep staying away from her! The less you see her, the
happier you'll be. You sound like a lovely person, and I'm
sure you'll keep being polite. Just avoid her as much as possible!
RESPONSE: Thanks For The Support MIL, You IDIOT!
I hope this helps. I started using third party references
to "handle" my MIL, and it really helped. When she
puts you down for staying home with your kids, just "third
party" the subject. Example: Gee, my friend Kate
tells me how lucky I am to get to stay home with my kids.
She wishes that she had that option! You can use a neighbor
or a friend's name in these instances, or just say that you read
a magazine article about it! As far as her remembering when
DH took his first step, or whatever, I would start and stick to
a line like, "Wow, your memory is truly UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!"
Maybe she'll get tired of this response and stop making comparisons.
I have had a 4 year relationship
with my fiancé. Yes, I have had it rough with my FMIL,
but I've had it just as rough with my fiancé. We love
each other very much, and we couldn't think of any sort of life
without each other, but, sometimes I feel like I'm beating my head
against the wall when it comes to him. I almost had to break
his arm just to get him to announce our engagement to his family.
And, he absolutely cannot stand it if I say the smallest bad thing
about his family. He told his mom about me when we first started
to get serious, but I didn't actually meet her until 1 year later.
When I met her, she wouldn't even look me in the eye. She
wouldn't even acknowledge that I was there. She acted like
she was never told about me, and then she walked right past me and
went on with what she was doing. Since then, I have moved
in with my fiancé. She hates the idea that we are sleeping
in the same bed together. She rarely calls. But, if
she does, she just wants to talk to him. She never asks about
me. My fiancé has a friend that she has met a few times,
and I can hear him say, "Oh, he is doing just fine."
She'll even ask about our cat before she'll ask about me.
And, now she'll only ask how I am doing, because my fiancé.
told her that it bothers me. My sister was getting married,
and I was asked to be her matron of honor. I live in a different
state, and I was looking for a certain bridal shop chain so that
I could get my dress. I asked her if she knew where one was,
and her face looked like a deer caught in headlights. When
I explained that it was my sister that was getting married, she
became all happy and helpful, and even offered to donate some things
from her wedding for my sister's wedding!!! My fiancé.
just tells me that I'm overreacting, and he tries to explain to
me that she is old fashioned and not used to the idea of her son
dating. But, she isn't old fashioned. When my fiancé.
was younger (1980's), his 18 year old brother was allowed to throw
drinking parties in their basement. As a result of that, a
kid had too much to drink and wrapped his car around a tree!
Not only is that illegal, dangerous, and wrong, but do you think
that "old fashioned" parents would allow that? Every
single one of her children has been illegally drunk at a young age.
But, heaven forbid that we share a bed when we visit them.
So, anyway, it just bothers me that the only excuse for her behavior
is that she is "old fashioned".
Signed - Beating Head
Against The Wall
RESPONSE: Beating Head Against The Wall
OMG!!! RUN, don't walk - and, DO NOT marry this guy unless
you want a whole world of hurt and trouble. Your fiancé
is already showing that he cares for MOMMA more than you.
Please think VERY carefully before going through with it.
And, I don't mean to be rude, but maybe you all don't need to live
together, either. Maybe some time apart will have you thinking
more clearly.
RESPONSE: Beating Head Against The Wall
Based on your post, IMHO, you have a problem with your fiancé
more than with his mother. Please do NOT marry him until you
get these things settled. For one thing, it sounds to me like
he may not be conveying your importance in his life, and his mother
may not know exactly what role you play. He needs to announce,
loudly, by actions and deeds, that you are the ONE - so that his
faaaamily knows once and for all. "Perhaps" THEN
his mother will start including you. I would highly recommend
premarital counseling for you and FDH. As far as her not allowing
you to share a bed in her house while visiting, I'm sorry, but it
is her house. She has the right to set such a rule if you
are not married. If you are married, then no, she doesn't
have the right. Each of you - you and your FMIL - have the
right to set reasonable rules in your own households and expect
the other to accept the boundaries. Remember that in the future
if MIL oversteps her boundaries. You abided by her rules,
she will need to abide by yours. But, please, do NOT marry
your fiancé till you get some things settled. It doesn't
get any easier to make a man stand up to MIL after the wedding.
In fact, from what I've experienced and heard, it gets worse.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: Beating Head Against The Wall
"Old Fashioned"? There were strange goings-on BEFORE
you moved in with him! It sounds like you're either going
to wind up with a drunk who's too WEAK to even speak to his parents
and will always take his family's side, or a horrible married life
of IL HELL!!! You write well, and you sound like you can do
better than that guy and his family! Sorry.
RESPONSE: Beating Head Against The Wall
I'm sorry, but I've seen the same nonsense. This is a man
who cannot completely let go of mom, and a mom who cannot let go
of her son. Be very careful here. Look at the situation
carefully, and decide if this is where you really want to be.
I've been there, and ignored the nonsense, until I finally exploded
a few months after my wedding. I haven't spoken to MIL since.
It's been 6 months. And, to be honest, I don't care if I ever
speak to her again.
RESPONSE: Beating Head Against The Wall
You're not overreacting! He is under reacting! He needs
to learn to put you first, and stop defending that old b*tch!
If he can't see how she hurts and demeans you, you need to seriously
think about dumping him.
RESPONSE: Beating Head Against The Wall
If ANY PART OF YOU, deep down, is trying to tell you that this is
not the right guy for you, please believe me that there are other
men out there. It's a real leap of faith to let go of a "sure
thing" in favor of the unknown, but being alone is better than
being with the wrong person. There are some truly great guys
out there. I was so terrified to break up with every one of
my COMPLETELY WRONG boyfriends, but I'm so glad I did. My
husband is so different from any of them. I would be miserable
if I had married any of my old boyfriends. In fact, we'd be
divorced by now. Every day with my kind, responsible husband
is a lovely day. Yet, I was in my early 30s when I met him!
So, if it's a difficult relationship, just remember that it doesn't
have to be that hard! Please trust your instincts. The
in-law business doesn't get any easier (it didn't for me, anyway).
It stays the same, and grievances and grudges build up. It's
hard work keeping it nice and polite. The guy sure better
be worth it!
When I got engaged, I
was 19. I was in college, and I lived on campus, about an
hour drive away from my parents. Because of my dad's job,
my parents were going to be leaving to live in a foreign country
that was not easily accessible. Naturally, I wanted to visit
them before they left! As I didn't have a driver's license
or car, my then-fiance (now husband) used to drive over there, reluctantly,
to see them ONCE A WEEK for the three weeks before they left.
He'd always get fidgety after only twenty minutes, start pacing
and looking at his watch, and whisper that we "have to go".
It broke my heart, and my parent's, who wondered why he would drive
out for an hour, then want to leave so soon. Those visits
were so brief that we had no time even for a meal, or at least he
said that we didn't. And, always, even though those visits
were brief (because of him), he'd chew me out in the car on the
way there, and on the way home, saying that I was "too attached"
to my parents and must "cut the apron strings".
Too attached? Three forty-five minute visits in three weeks
because they were leaving the country? They left. That
was almost three years ago. I need to add in here that, after
a year had passed, my parents offered to fly me AND him out to see
them, but he refused to go (said he had to work - fine). But,
when I wanted to go without him (and we don't have any kids yet),
he shouted at me that a husband and wife do not travel separately!
He made me feel like I'd be committing some horrible crime by visiting
my parents without him for one lousy week. Here's the clincher:
Ever since the day my parents left, our lives have been nothing
but a nightmare of one visit after another either by his parents
(popping up unannounced whenever they please, his mother calling
nonstop to our home and at his office). They organize one
"family function" after another. Also, we drive
over to visit them at least twice a week - and, they live a 45-minute
drive away!! In three years, we have not spent a single Sunday
or weekend without going to their place for dinner. Every
Sunday. Plus, my MIL lines up "duty visits" to relatives
in nursing homes, or leaves messages that we HAVE TO attend one
family social event after another. Their family is so numerous
(btw, they talk badly about each other behind each other's back!)
that my life has become one nonstop, never-ending nightmare parade
of birthdays, anniversaries, baptisms, housewarmings, graduations,
weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, engagement parties, funerals
- you name it. Not to mention, there are a lot of family problems
- visiting people in hospitals, tending to someone divorcing or
someone who has attempted suicide, etc., etc. We cannot save
a penny, because ALL of our savings get spent on the token gifts
we must bring to each of these events (our presence is orchestrated
by his mother). They are not only not enjoyable for me, but
they are eating up my entire life. My DH, of course, JUMPS
when mommy calls. If I refuse to accompany him, they all give
me the cold shoulder at the next event, which is usually within
24 hours. I am choking to death on my IL family! I tried
to get him to take a trip with me, and I finally succeeded.
Guess what? Someone from his family showed up at EVERY STOP
WE MADE because my spineless DH was calling in and reporting in
to mommy where our next stop would be. Then, they'd fly in
somebody or arrange for us to visit some relative wherever we happened
to be!!! What makes this so awful for me is remembering how
he had the gall to reproach me about being unable to "cut the
apron strings" when we were engaged and my parents were leaving.
And, all we've been doing since they left is catering to them.
Now, DH is dead set on getting a place that is within 5 minutes
of his parent's home. I'm pregnant. I told him we'll
probably divorce at this rate, and he said, "Fine!"
Then, he went into the next room to talk under his breath to his
mommy, who will glare at me the next time she sees me.
Signed - Suffocating
And Married To A Milquetoast Mommy's Boy
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
I was shocked to read your awful posting and hear all about your
horrible in-laws. And, it is even worse since your husband
is behaving like such an $%$&#. Congrats on your pregnancy.
But, I must be honest and tell you that I think you are headed towards
divorce court (given your husband's attitude). Things will
only get worse with a new baby around. There is added stress
whenever a new baby joins a healthy marriage. But, you are
only adding oil to the fire with your new baby. I would have
a SERIOUS talk with your husband and try to get him to go to counseling.
Otherwise, I don't think your marriage will survive. And,
if you stay married, you will just be miserable. I see your
MIL and your relatives invading your life even more so after the
baby arrives. And, I see them making even more demands on
you. And, with a new baby, you won't have the time for that,
and you will have enough stress to deal with. I read your
posting about your MIL's antics, and I started to steam at how insensitive
and mean she was (and the fact that your husband supports her made
me madder). I hope you seek counseling soon. And, if
that doesn't work, it is time to lay down the law and take control.
I feel badly that your baby may end up having divorced parents,
but it isn't right that you have to put up with so much. If
your husband doesn't care to save the marriage, and treats you like
he does, then it's HIS LOSS!!! Good luck!
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
Get out now - while you are still young. It will only get
worse, so why delay the inevitable?
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
You are married to an ABUSIVE mommy's boy, IMHO!! He even
tried to sever important ties to your family - something an abusive
person does to try to gain more control. It's like he swallows
the abuse from MIL and the anger he is feeling about her running
his life, then spews it all over you. I'm sorry, but it sounds
like you are dealing with a very angry man! IMHO, you need
to be careful! PLEASE come to the message boards. You
need to talk about this more than in just one post. And, PLEASE,
see about some counseling for yourself. It sounds like you
are going to need all the support you can get when it comes time
to upsetting DH and the IN-LAW's little world. That vacation,
and DH's reaction to your comment about divorce, are shocking to
me. Please come talk more on the boards.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
So, why are you still married to this wuss? Does he have ANY
redeeming qualities at all? It sure doesn't sound like it
from your post. He's a selfish, rude, mommy's boy who's not
mature enough for marriage. And, you need to get him to counseling,
pronto. If he refuses, cut him loose like the dead weight
that he is. This guy is also way too immature to raise a child.
If you wanted to be a single parent of a baby (and a BIG baby),
you wouldn't have married him, right? You are morally and
legally obligated to care for your child, but you are in no way
obligated to pamper your spoiled brat H, or cater to his overbearing,
smothering faaaaaaaaamily. And, you can tell him to go back
home to his mommy, like the baby that he is, if he refuses to meet
you halfway.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
I hate to say this, but a divorce doesn't sound like it would help
as much as you think. I really hope this works out for you,
but just remember that now that you're pregnant, these people will
be forever in your life (even if the marriage isn't there).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
Please don't become offended at what I have written, and remember
that I am trying to help you. I feel that you have two choices
here: 1. Start asserting yourself, or 2. Get out
now. It doesn't sound to me as if you have a marriage.
To do things, such as travel without your DH, is not a sin or a
crime. You should take your parents up on that trip that they
offered. If you are lucky, your DH will either deal with it
or move out. Either way, you win. For your DH to continue
to run to cater to your MIL is sick. Your DH should be sticking
up for you and protecting you. It sounds as if DH has an issue
with control: Being controlled by MIL, and controlling you.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
You have a HUGE problem, and you're making things worse by bringing
a baby into the picture without resolving your problem. Does
your DH hit you? I suspect he does/will. You need help,
and you need it NOW. You need a counselor for yourself and
for your marriage. Why did you let your DH get all of this
power over you? This was not a good choice in a man.
If he is willing, you might be able to fix the situation.
However, if he is not willing, you need to be ready to leave.
Under the current conditions, you are not going to have any peace.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
Divorce this loser!!! Your DH is nothing more than an abusive
control freak. He has more or less forced the alienation of
your family, only to draw you into his own psycho family.
Now that you are pregnant, you will have ties to them FOREVER!!
If I were you, I would catch the next flight to whatever country
your parents live in, and never set foot near that @sshole husband
of yours, or his psycho family.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
Why did you marry him??? When he would not let you visit your
parents for more than 45 minutes back then, you should have guessed
that he was going to be a control freak. Of course he did
not want you to visit your mom because his mommy dearest must have
taught him not to let you visit that often (or she said something
bad about them). MILs are scared of losing their sons to their
DIL's moms. They want to control their DILs, but they do not
want to let their sons have a close relation with their MILs.
The best advice I can give you is to put down your foot before you
lose it all.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
It's really too bad that your parents aren't here. It sounds
like you're living a nightmare with your ILs. I think you
need to cut your losses and get out. It will only get worse
when the baby's here.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
Drop his @ss like a hot rock. If you stay with him much longer,
you'll probably end up just like the in-laws (yuch!)
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
Well, we know who really should have cut the apron strings.
My only recommendation is to drag this knucklehead to counseling.
If this fails (very likely from your description of events), then
get away from both him and his family. A long visit with your
parents might be a timely thing to do. One other thing:
If he does agree to counseling, make sure he knows that his family
members cannot rendezvous at the sessions!
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
I don't even believe in divorce, but your husband sounds absolutely
awful. My heart aches for you. I'd say to go ahead and
get a divorce right now, since he seems incapable of giving you
the love you deserve. And, his behavior amounts to psychological
abuse. He's a jerk!! I feel like hitting your husband
with a board - HARD!
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
Run. Run far, far away. This guy is an idiot, and you
don't need to be raising children with him. Make sure your
children aren't anywhere near his mother, ever. This is ridiculous.
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
You may have to count your losses and get out. This is already
bad enough, and it will get worse. Your DH is showing controlling
behavior. Do you get to see any of your friends or relatives,
or did he force you to stop seeing them?
RESPONSE: Suffocating And Married To A Milquetoast
Mommy's Boy
Excuse me, but why on earth did you marry this man, and why are
you with him? He is selfish, rude, and hypocritical.
Also , he shows no respect for you OR your family. And, he
comes across as a truly cowardly brat. If my BF acted like
that about taking me to my parents, he would have been out of the
door. Never mind his family, it's time for him to grow up.
But, your marriage sounds abysmal - dump him!
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