My MIL needs to get a life, and quickly.
DH and I got married almost one year ago, and DH's sister got
married 6 months ago. Both of them were/are in their early
30's when they got married. Neither of them had ever left
MIL's before that. They never had their own apartment, never
went away to school, nothing. MIL didn't allow it!
Anyway, the marriages happened, and they moved out. I was
expecting MIL to act like the world was ending when her babies
moved out. At first, I was surprised at how well she was
taking it. She only cried a little, only called every other
day, and never stopped by our houses unannounced. Well,
a few weeks ago, that all changed! Shortly after New Year's,
MIL told DH, me, SIL, and BIL that she wanted us over her house
for dinner at least twice a week. By the way, "a week"
to MIL means Monday through Friday, since she doesn't cook on
weekends. We told her twice a week is uncalled for, since
we all have jobs (she doesn't work) and we all have pets that
need to be fed and cared for. She threw a fit over that.
Then, a short time later, she had the nerve to tell all four of
us that we should call her every single time we leave the house
and let her know where we are going and what time we think we're
coming back. What are we, 5 year olds? We told her,
"No," and again, she threw a fit! A few days ago
she asked the four of us to come over, and we did. That's
when she dropped the bomb. She broke down crying, and whining
that her babies don't love her because they left her. She
said that her son-in-law and I don't like her (she's right, but
we've always been nice and respectful towards her for the sake
of our marriages). She just kept crying and whining, over
and over again, about her babies not loving her and leaving her.
My FIL (God bless the man!) says all she does all day long is
sit around wondering what she did wrong to make her babies leave
her. After we calmed her down. We told her that she
is depressed, and that her behavior is not normal. We told
her that she should talk to someone professional. She responded
by telling us that seeing someone won't do anything. What
will fix her problem is if we all move into her house with her!!!
Although all four of us agreed that it will DEFINITELY NOT happen,
she is still calling us constantly, crying and begging to us.
She refuses to see someone, and she doesn't seem to understand
that babies grow up, become adults, and have their own lives.
If anyone reading this has been in a similar situation or knows
someone who has, can you please offer me advice? I'm going
crazy!
Signed - Does Not Want
MIL As A Roommate
RESPONSE: Does Not Want MIL As A Roommate
A sudden change like this could signal a medical problem like
dementia, Alzheimer's, or even a minor stroke. Even menopause
could cause this type of personality change. Either that,
or she is a nutcase who was just biding her time. J
RESPONSE: Does Not Want MIL As A Roommate
It's understandable that you are frustrated. Her behavior
and demands are wildly unreasonable. She isn't thinking
straight. Anybody in their right mind knows that children
grow up and get married, and it's only healthy to leave.
And, two days a week is just too much, let alone moving back into
the house with her. You are right about everything, and
it sounds like you were kind to her, explaining the truth of the
matter. I guess you should just keep being kind and firm,
just like you are doing. You sure have my sympathy.
She will realize she isn't getting what she wants, and, hopefully,
she'll change her behavior, HOPEFULLY!
RESPONSE: Does Not Want MIL As A Roommate
Her own children should tell her that if she continues to behave
like that, they will regretfully cease contact with her altogether.
So, it's up to her: She should start behaving like a "normal"
person, or get cut off completely. You can change your telephone
numbers to unpublished. Some people have resorted to getting
restraining orders with people like this. She's really crossing
the line.
RESPONSE: Does Not Want MIL As A Roommate
Your MIL either needs a pet or a friend. If MIL is truly
depressed, then there are drugs on the market that can help her.
Otherwise, you may want to introduce her to some nice people her
own age with similar interests. That may solve the problem.
RESPONSE: Does Not Want MIL As A Roommate
Stay firm. Keep repeating that you love her, but won't live
with her, until she understands it completely. She does
need serious help. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Does Not Want MIL As A Roommate
I believe you are absolutely right - MIL needs to see a counselor
as soon as possible. However, she will not take the initiative
until you back her into a corner. I would tell her that,
not only will you NOT be visiting twice a week, but you won't
be back at all until you have proof that she is in counseling.
Don't back down! Your DH will probably think this is harsh,
but tell him that you are actually doing her a favor. Her
obsessive behavior is making everyone (including herself) miserable,
and she will be a much happier person when she finally learns
to start behaving in a more normal fashion. I'm sure your
FIL will thank you, too!
RESPONSE: Does Not Want MIL As A Roommate
Wow! I agree that she needs to see a Dr. I thought
of depression, too, but I wonder if this is some kind of dementia,
or something similar, coming on suddenly. FIL should really
get her to a Dr. Good luck!
I am so tired of my MIL
treating DH and me like we're little children! We are 39 and
38 years old, with three children! Like many of your MILs,
she likes to send supper home with DH if he comes to her place.
Sometimes we appreciate it, because we can stick it in the fridge
and heat it up the next day, thus saving us from having to cook.
But, sometimes we just know we won't use it, and she gets so hurt
if DH tells her so. "But, I made a great big roast.
Now what am I gonna do with it?" Umm, how about, maybe,
not making the great big roast unless you know somebody's going
to eat it? Another thing she does is pick up little things
for us like slippers, socks, underwear (ugh). I know she means
well, but sometimes they just aren't to our taste, or we simply
don't need them. But, if we try to tell her, it's like we've
disowned her. And, of course, she was very hurt when I went
back to work after having our first baby, and didn't get her to
baby-sit, even though she had said she would do it for free.
She just sort of automatically assumed she would be doing it.
But, we had already had a number of disagreements on various child-raising
issues, and I just knew that it wouldn't work out. When we
lived out of town for a few years, we would come and visit for the
weekend about once a month. She would insist on washing any
clothes we dirtied during our stay. Even if one of the kids
spilled something on his shirt, she would take the shirt and put
it through the washer and dryer all by itself! As if we aren't
even capable of doing laundry! Finally, DH put a stop to it,
when I told him I wasn't going to stay at the ILs any more if MIL
was going to be handling my used underwear! When she was selling
her house, she kept saying that she was going to buy a big house
for us to live in, with a basement suite for her to live in.
And, she said, "I'll look after the kids for you when you're
at work!" I told DH, "Over my dead body!" I'd
sooner rent for the rest of my life than live under the same roof
as that nosey, controlling busybody! Thank G*d she abandoned
that idea. If DH ever agrees to let her live with us, we will
definitely become a divorce statistic!
Signed - I Know She Thinks
She's Helping - But She's Suffocating!
RESPONSE: I Know She Thinks She's Helping - But She's
Suffocating!
For a minute there I thought that was on my MIL!!!! LOL!!!!!
We get intimate items bought for our son, who now has 40 pairs of
undies, 40 singlets, etc., etc., etc. Every time he visits,
he comes home with more clothes &/or undies &/or toys.
Despite the fact that we live in a small house (smaller than the
ILs, but in a much better and in a more crime-free area) and storage
is a problem, the gifts continue to arrive. At least you have
your DH standing up with you. Mine has his head in the sand,
pretending there is no problem. Good luck.
I haven't been here in
a while. My MIL finally won. She turned my husband totally
against me. After living in my home for seven years, she realized
she couldn't get my husband to divorce me to get me to leave.
So, instead, she had a "No Trespassing" order issued against
me. I have six great danes, my husband has been working away
from the home for two years, and I said the only way I would leave
my dogs is in handcuffs. So, I was arrested at my own home!
I am married to my husband, but the property is in my in-law's name,
and my husband had the house before we were married. WE HAVE
BEEN LEGALLY MARRIED FOR 6 YEARS! I don't have the money to
hire a lawyer, but I have plead "Not Guilty" anyway.
I managed to free one of the Danes, but I have no idea how the others
are doing. I have a son, not my husband's (thank god)!
I have applied for assistance because the butthead won't divorce
me, because he doesn't want to have to split everything with me.
I am devastated. I miss my dogs horribly, and I am sure they
are as confused as I am. I can't believe I fell for this man
and his lies. I am 47 years old, and I have to start my life
over with absolutely nothing. I truly have the MOTHER-IN-LAW
FROM HELL!
Signed - MOTHER-IN-LAW
FROM HELL!
RESPONSE: MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM HELL!
So he won't divorce you, that does not mean YOU can't divorce him!
JUDICARE will help you if you are low income, or if they feel that
emotional, and maybe even physical, abuse was involved! Go
to social services and ask for JUDICARE info. That's what
I did when my first husband refused to let me go (even though he
already had and impregnated his underage girlfriend)! You
are, obviously, under a great deal of stress, and what that EVIL
MIL did to you was uncalled for! Don't be too proud to ask
for help. After all, it's your sanity that's important here!
It took me 3 years to get back on my feet again after everything
mine put me through. He was a mama's boy, and a big pig.
He couldn't keep his ding dong in the pants, if you know what I
mean. He liked them really young, too! Judicare will
hopefully help you find (and even pay for) a lawyer. Do it
soon! GOOD LUCK!!!
RESPONSE: MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM HELL!
I posted this on the message board, but I want to post it here too
to make sure you see it. Please contact attorneys in your
area and tell them your story. Perhaps some good soul would
be willing to take your case on pro bono. Don't give up until
you find that person. Your passion will help to convince them.
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if there are fellow animal lovers
and pet foster homes available in your area that might be willing
to take your dogs on a temporary basis if needed. They usually
don't advertise themselves, for fear of being inundated with requests.
The types of people who do this sort of thing can't refuse an animal
in need, and that's why they don't want everyone to know about them.
You can find them by asking fellow dog owners, shelters, veterinarians,
and anyone else you can think of. They will probably be deeply
moved by your story. On the hush-hush, a lot of organizations
and animal lovers have been known to recover an animal from an abusive
home by simply taking it. There is a vast underground network
out there. Please don't give up. There is still hope.
RESPONSE: MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM HELL!
If you've been married for six years, that must give you some legal
rights to be in that house! I hope you do find a way to get
what is rightfully yours. Good luck.
RESPONSE: MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM HELL!
Can you force your DH to divorce you? Also, I'd get the best
attorney money can buy. If you do this right, you should be
able to get the judge to make your DH pay for the entire divorce.
Do you have any records of your MIL's actions towards you and your
child? Do you have any records of your MIL's ill actions towards
your DH? If I were you, I'd make your MIL as much a part of
this divorce as your DH. This should help your DH realize
that his "mommy" is not really his best friend.
You need a very good attorney, and I would not worry about the money.
If the attorney is good enough, he/she will get the other side to
pay the legal fees. Now, for the dogs. If the dogs are
dead, you may have a case against your MIL. Also, if your
are found not guilty, keep that record for the rest of your life.
You may need ALL of the court docs to prove that you were hounded
by your MIL, and those docs could also prove valuable in a lawsuit
against your MIL for unlawful arrest. Now is not the time
to be spineless. Now is the time to fight back and make MIL
and DH see that the problems in the marriage are not you, but her.
This is going to be painful for everyone, including you. But,
think of it as fighting for all other DWs and DHs with hateful MILs.
May God be with you.
RESPONSE: MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM HELL!
Come back to the Message Board if you can. Everyone misses
you and wants to help you, if only to give moral support!
RESPONSE: MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM HELL!
Oh God, I'm so sorry to hear how things have gone for you.
God bless you. I'm terribly disturbed at what has happened.
I pray that things turn around for you soon, and you get your babies
back. How awful for you. I used to write to you on the
message boards, and I have wondered how you've been since you left.
What nasty monsters they all are. Is there any way for you
to retain either governmental legal aid or an attorney willing to
take on your case pro-bono? You didn't deserve any of this.
But, remember that you are a strong and a great person. Please
don't give up. Come back to the boards, soon. Please
check in often. And, know that you'll be in my thoughts and
prayers.
My MIL has told me off,
let me know that she doesn't want my marriage to work, and told
me that I am destroying her family. She has been intolerable
for years. She has never respected my marriage, and she has
talked badly about me in front of my children. She has no
boundaries when it comes to my home, marriage, or children.
She just basically did what she wanted. She told me off about
3 months ago. And, now, after not talking to my DH for months,
she is now emailing like nothing has ever happened. My own
mother told me that I will destroy my marriage by not accepting
her into our lives (my children and me). All the abuse I'd
taken through the years has finally taken it's toll. And,
what she did this past summer was the straw that broke the camel's
back. I feel like I cannot go back. I can't pretend
that nothing happened. This is not to punish her. It's
just that I can't do it anymore. I have emotionally divorced
her, so to speak. I can't, and won't, go back. It's
just not in me anymore. Is this really going to destroy my
marriage, though? My DH loves his family. When it comes
to them, he has never had any backbone. And, if he takes the
children to her, I will feel betrayed. She is good to them,
as far as giving awesome toys, but, emotionally, she has never been
there for them. She talks about me in front of the children.
When they visit with her, they get their gift from her, watch grandma
hang on daddy, and whine about everything. Then, they leave
and don't hear from her for six months. She never calls them.
But, one week, her granddaughter came to visit with us, and MIL
called her every day - and she didn't ask to speak with my children.
I just feel the need to protect them. I don't trust their
daddy to defend them. I don't want them to see this behavior
as normal. My mom says that her behavior should be excused,
because she is obviously mentally ill. But, if she is sane
enough to work in a customer service atmosphere, then she should
be sane enough to treat me and my family with a little more respect.
I love my DH deeply. I don't want to lose him. My mother
says that if I don't accept her anymore in our lives, I will drive
DH away. I'm afraid that the emails she is sending are going
to make him feel like everything is fine now, and that the whole
reason he can't have a peaceful family life is because of me.
Please respond, and help me through this problem. Thank you.
Signed - MIL Playing
Innocent
RESPONSE: MIL Playing Innocent
You need professional help. You sound depressed. You
need to speak to someone that can give you 1:1 attention, and help
you work this out. You may also want to drag DH to a few sessions.
RESPONSE: MIL Playing Innocent
I once felt the same way! Luckily, my DH saw the TRUTH about
his mother's behavior, and he chose to divorce HER from his life
(along with any member of his family that chooses to talk their
sh!t about me and my children, or even him)! You need to have
the most HONEST and OPEN conversation ever imagined with your DH.
If he cannot support you, maybe you should consider leaving him.
I almost left mine because of his lying interfering mother and sister!
RESPONSE: MIL Playing Innocent
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Please come
over to the message boards. You will find wonderful support
and advice. Best of all, you will get much faster feedback.
We have a regular poster there, Motherinlaw's Nightmare, whose own
story was very similar to your own. She has been able to show
her husband the abusiveness they experience from his mother, and
they no longer speak to her. They are doing better than ever.
I think that you'll find a lot of great insight on the boards if
you give it a try.
RESPONSE: MIL Playing Innocent
Please come to the message boards. The same sort of thing
is being discussed there, and you can start a thread. I think
this is going to be a problem that will take a while to help, and
maybe now and then you can write to ask, "Now what?"
I don't think we can help you work through this in one answer.
Hope to see you there. And, incidentally, for what it's worth
- you are not ruining your marriage by refusing to let a toxic person
around you and your kids. Shame on your mom. She should
be more supportive. MIL does not deserve to be accepted when
she behaves this way - no one does.
RESPONSE: MIL Playing Innocent
I hope you get lots of responses. I need the answer to the
same question myself. My MIL also plays innocent. She
nearly derailed my marriage, and continues to be a constant threat.
DH loves her to death, and can't live with the fact that I have
emotionally divorced her. One of the reasons that I have not
divorced him is to keep her from visitation rights to my kids.
See, once we are divorced, any time the kids spend with him will
include her (he will never again commit the mistake of trying to
replace his mom in his life). I cringe at the thought of having
this wicked, manipulative woman around my kids. She can make
you doubt your own eyes and ears, forget about what mind games she
can play with little kids. I often wonder if people like your
mother are right, that I can't save my marriage if I don't include
MIL in it. As much as I want to save my marriage, I have no
clue how to survive in a marriage that includes three people, not
two.
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