I have been married for a year and a half now, and I am trying my best to deal with my MIL.  She tries to control us emotionally by making rude comments.  Last year, my husband started a new career as an electrician.  He loves it, is doing very well, and is making good money.  She cannot stand that he is an electrician.  She puts down the career, and reminds him all the time of how badly he did in college, in order to hurt him even worse.  My dad is an electrician, and helped my husband get into the trade.  So, when my MIL makes rude comments about this career, it makes me even more furious that she is, in a sense, insulting my dad, too.  That is only the beginning.  Any time we call a "family meeting" to talk things out, she tries to turn everything around on us.  She'll cry (fake cry) and say we are at fault.  Then, she'll attack us about things that don't even make sense.  We recently moved, and before she came to see our new place, she told everyone on my husband's side of the family that we live in a bad place (when she has never even been there!).  So when she came to see us, she was biting her tongue, because it was so nice.  She and my FIL are building a new house, so she constantly brags to us about it.  Then, she says to my husband (not in front of me), "You two can move in if you want, considering our new house is sooooo huuugggeee."  My husband politely says, "No thank you."  In the past, she has been pretty nice to me, but terrible to my husband.  But, recently, she is now insulting my nationality!  When I stand up for myself, she just laughs this wicked laugh, and acts like it's no big deal.  We have had enough of her!  She is nothing but a negative poison in our life.  We have tried so many times to talk things out and tell her how we feel, but it goes no where!  She refuses to change her ways and be nice to us.  We still even call to be polite, but she never calls us.  And, when we call, all she talks about is herself and her "huge house".  If talking has not worked, what should we do next?

        Signed - What Should We Do Next?

RESPONSE:  What Should We Do Next?
Call her only when you are longing for a bit of poison in your life.  Ignore her at all other times.  Your DH could not possibly earn her respect, even if he were to go to medical school and win a Nobel prize in medicine.  Children don't have to earn their parent's love and respect.  If it is not there, it will never be there - and, it is the parent's fault.  If he is happy doing what he is doing, and both of you are happy with your life together, and she can't live with that, then that is her problem, not yours.  Ignore her completely.  If she tries to reestablish contact, read her the ground rules, and hold her to them, else she will make you feel like sh!t for the rest of your life.

RESPONSE:  What Should We Do Next?
Well, as you say, she is a negative poison in your life.  So, what do you do if poison has entered your body?  You try to eliminate it!  Maybe you need to eliminate her from your life.  It sounds drastic, but if you read through this site, that is what many DILs have had to do to retain their sanity.  Certainly, your DH can keep on seeing her if he wants, but that doesn't mean you have to.

RESPONSE:  What Should We Do Next?
Walk away!  Set the boundaries, choose the consequences, enforce the consequences - walk away.  Why would you WANT a relationship with someone who has always treated DH terribly, and is now starting on you - even belittling your heritage.  Her laughter shows that she knows she is getting away with it.  You said you call her out of politeness, but she rarely calls you.  There is an opportunity - use it.  STOP calling!  I'm sorry, but I feel that calling, just to be abused, is more than politeness, it is some form of self-abuse.  If she wants to insult you, make her at least contact you to do it!  Take the blood relationship out of this.  If this abusive person were just an acquaintance, would you keep her in your life?  I would hope not.  Blood ties do not entitle a person to abuse those around her.  Do yourself and DH a favor - walk away, hand in hand, to some self-respect and happiness.  J

RESPONSE:  What Should We Do Next?
There is nothing you can do to make the relationship better.  You can't change your MIL's behavior.  She is a rude, self-absorbed, nasty person.  You have tried to tell her how her behavior makes you feel, yet she continues on.  Now, it's time to move on without her, and protect yourselves from her viciousness.  Get caller ID.  If she does call, you don't have to answer the phone.  If she demands to know why no one has called her, your DH needs to tell her, "We won't be calling anymore to be verbally abused.  If you want a relationship with us, you'll need to change your behavior, and start treating my wife and me with respect.  It's up to you."  Set the boundaries with this woman now, and stick to them.  I also suggest the book Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward, and Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.  These are both excellent books about dealing with people just like your MIL.  Good luck to you.

RESPONSE:  What Should We Do Next?
It sounds as if your husband is on your side, so you have the problem 50% licked.  Whenever she crows about her large (empty) house, you can say, "Oh, we'd never intrude on you by moving in.  The purpose of being married is to live with your loving spouse, not with your parents!"  Say it with a big smile on your face.  And, don't forget to be confrontational.  If she says something ugly, IMMEDIATELY say, "What did you mean by that?"  You can beat her into submission very quickly, because your husband supports you.  If he didn't, I'd say that you need to run for the county border.  But, THANK GOD he is on your side!!  Treat her like a two-year-old.  And, if she complains, say with a puzzled look on your face, "I thought you wanted to be treated like a child, since you have been ACTING like a child."  Good luck!!!

I have written before, and let everyone hear how my soon to be MIL wouldn't let go of her son.  His family only wants to do what makes them happy, but when he does something to make himself happy, there always seems to be repercussions.  We are planning to get married in November, on our three year anniversary.  We are searching for a house to call our own, and trying to prepare ourselves for our life together.  We have told my parents, and they are happy, because, originally, we put off our original plans to get married in May, because all that we heard from his family was unsupportive.  We let them help make our minds up if we were ready or not.  We came to the realization, and are now trying to be as prepared as possible.  I am afraid of what the repercussions of our getting married will be for my soon to be husband.  He is more than willing to sacrifice his only family to be with me, because he hates the control over him that they try to maintain.  His mother views us as being too young for marriage, because when she married at 18, she was marrying a drunk and a wife beater.  I understand that we all come from different backgrounds, but I feel that she has taken things from our relationship, because she is always interfering.  She published an email to her family when we decided to postpone our wedding indefinitely.  In it, she said that I told DF that I wanted to wait until I was in my mid twenties, which is totally what she wanted.  Ugghhh!  I am a very responsible young woman who has a lot to look forward to in life.  I know what I want, but I also have a large heart that causes me pain when I think that my marriage may result in the loss of DH's family.  Unfortunately, I came across the comments from her oldest son, who happens to be in his early thirties.  His response to the first email was to ask if I told them that I decided to postpone the wedding (not true, both of us made the decision), or was I just to afraid to break it off with his brother.  How can someone twist your words any more to fit them to say what they want it too.  These are the people I have to face the rest of my life.  His mom replied, saying some nasty things.  She said that I play games with her son to see how much he will do for me.  For example:  getting him to get tampons at the store when I started early and was unprepared at a new job, where his mom just happens to work.  She also said that I forced her son to eat foods that he hates like broccoli, tomatoes, and sour cream.  And, she said that I told him that if he doesn't, then he can't see me.  I am sorry that her son has decided to let himself grow and try things he didn't like as a little kid.  The worst, and most hurtful phrase was when she said I made her sick, and that she hoped her son and I would break up, because we are in an unhealthy relationship (because he is codependent on me).  I thought people are suppose to start depending on each other if they want to have a good life together.  She thought that if we did break up (not happening), her son would only continue in that pattern, because that is all he has known for so long.  We confronted her with it, and she glided over it, saying that it was a misunderstanding.  When you are caught in black and white, how much clearer can it be?  I have tried, since then, to gain back respect for her, because I used to think very highly of her until this.  I have never done anything to her, but I have to face the last part of her losing her baby.  I need any ideas that may help deal with this.  I feel like we are being sneaky, but we are wanting to show that we are more responsible than they believe.  Please help.  You gave wonderful advice before, and nobody else knows better than the ones who have experienced it first hand.  My DF is great.  He stands up for me even when it isn't necessary.  I face the issue of wanting that happy family scenario.  But, I am not an idiot, and know it won't be that way.  I want the best life possible.  Please give any ideas.  You are my last hope.  Thanks.

        Signed - Confused And Lost

RESPONSE:  Confused And Lost
You do seem confused and lost.  I would be too, if I were in your situation.  I understand your wanting to hang on to DF at all cost, but I think it will be a mistake getting married to him without sorting out all these things that are making you feel confused and lost.  I would suggest that you talk to your minister/therapist and proceed with your marriage only after you have gained a clear perspective about the situation you are in, and the more serious situations you can expect to find yourself involved with once you marry into this family.

RESPONSE:  Confused And Lost
IMHO, this problem is too ongoing, and MIL is too evil and tricky to solve it in one post.  I would suggest you come to the message boards.  Many of us are taking tiny steps to resolving MIL problems, with the ultimate goal of peace and happiness, or separation from the In-laws  You have a lot of people in your business - dear ol' MIL keeps "inviting" them, and she is manipulative and wily.  Please join us on the boards and maybe gain some insights as your problems arise again and again - because I fear yours will.

RESPONSE:  Confused And Lost
As long as you and your DF stand strong and united, you will be okay.  You sound very mature and sure of what you want.  Your FMIL sounds very immature and selfish.  Her comments about codependency are laughable.  What she sees in you and her son is a healthy, committed relationship, and she is jealous as he!!.  It sounds like her track record with marriage was a disaster, and she wants to project all that implies on you and her DS.  Well, you are not her, and if she can't deal with that, too bad!  The tampon example is ridiculous - it is none of her damn business, and is actually a loving, sensitive gesture that your FDH is man enough to go get them for you when you were in a bind.  My DH of twelve years buys me stuff like that all the time.  And, I buy him personal items when I'm out and he has asked me to pick something up for him.  Marriage is a partnership.  And, at your young age, it seems that both of you have already grasped that concept, and are making it work beautifully!  Good for you!  Go ahead with your plans, and limit your contact with MIL.  I wouldn't share much of the details of your wedding or any other plans with her.  Let her stew in her own juices.  The same goes for the rest of the family.  Yes, marriage is hard.  And, it is harder when you are young.  But, you and your FDH seem to have a strong commitment to each other.  And, if you are determined to go forward, then your MIL should be doing all she can to make it easier for you both.  That is why I don't think it's your age at issue here - I think your MIL is just jealous that you are taking her baby boy away.  And, I think that she would behave this way if her darling son were in his fifties!  Stay strong, plan your life together, and tell DH to tell his mother that if she wants to come to the wedding, she should shut up, pick out her beige dress, and behave herself.  I wish you all the best!  You should come over to the message board (spam free is the best).  People give excellent advice, and lots of support.  I hope to see you there!  Take care!

I wrote a while ago, before I was married, about the fact that my MIL left me out of her family photos and generally made me feel like an outcast!  The advice I got back was not to get married to the mommie's boy!!  Well, I went ahead anyway, and I'm married now!!  Things have gotten a little better with my MIL, but she still is the same ice queen that makes my blood boil!!  My most recent complaint is that she is so vain.  She has more photos of herself out on show than of her family.  She even replaced a photo of herself, my FIL, my husband and me (the only photo with me in it!) with a photo of her eating her dinner on holiday!  Tonight, we are having to visit the wedding photographer, as she wants to see the photos that were not put in the photo album.  She doesn't feel that any of the photos in the album are particularly good of herself!  She actually looks lovely in all of them - almost better than I do!  She is, basically, after a photo of just herself to go into her collection!  I will admit that I take pride in my appearance, and I, too, like to look good in a photo, but I certainly would not go that far to create a shrine to myself!  I really wish that I could say how I feel, and let her know all the things that annoy me and hurt my feelings, because I feel that it is affecting me too much.  But, obviously, I can't, and I have to just rise above it and be thankful that she is pleasant (and she could be far worse!!).  I think I could cope with it more if my husband would admit that his mother is less than perfect, but, obviously, he loves his mother and doesn't want to go against her (you were all right - he is a mummies boy!).  He also thinks that it is normal to put up lots of pictures of herself up on the mantelpiece, and that she is not vain at all!!  It is starting to affect my relationship with my husband, as all I do is b!tch about her, and I hate myself for it!  I don't know - all I want is to get along with her like I do my own mother.  But, maybe that is the problem.  She is nothing like my mother!  Am I expecting too much from her?  Is it that I have to learn to get used to her ways, and accept her for who she is?  I know I should forget about her and get on with my own married life.  I seem to know the answers, I just can't put them into practice!  Vanity or obsessiveness - or is it that the poor woman can do no right?

        Signed - Newlywed With A Banging Headache!

RESPONSE:  Newlywed With A Banging Headache!
No advice that you can get on this site is likely to help you.  As you said - you know all the answers - putting them into practice is the problem.  Since you asked, I will give you my two bits:  Ignore the fact that she wants a shrine to herself.  Why is that a problem with you?  It is her home.  She can get her face painted on all the walls if she wants to.  Since she does not consider you to be family, and excludes you from family pictures, you will be well within your rights to refuse to act like family when she wants you to.  In the end, I would suggest that you see a counselor to help you put some of the answers you already know into practice.

RESPONSE:  Newlywed With A Banging Headache!
I understand your frustration, but MIL's vanity is not really an issue you should trouble yourself with, unless it is directly affecting you.  It sounds like you have enough battles with her then to also do things like try to convince your DH that it is not normal to fill a house with pictures of yourself.  My advice is to let the picture thing go.  I know my MIL can annoy me no end.  Some of it is because what she is doing IS annoying, and some of it is probably because I don't like her for what she has done to me and my marriage.  But, I work at trying to separate her behavior into what I need to battle to save my sanity and my marriage, and what I need to let go to save my sanity and my marriage.  The fact that MIL loves to see pictures of herself all over the place is not a battle I would think you need to fight.  Save your energy for those you have to.  Good luck!

RESPONSE:  Newlywed With A Banging Headache!
Look, she's NOT your mother, and she never will be.  Forget about it.  And, if she puts photos of herself on her mantelpiece (which is what I understood), it's her mantelpiece  She can do anything she likes.  Who cares?  However, on YOUR mantelpiece, or in your home, put up the pictures that YOU want.  Let your DH know (if he complains that there's a lack of photos of his mom) that it's your right, it's your home.  And, besides, she's got MORE THAN ENOUGH PICTURES OF HERSELF on her own mantelpiece!  Yes, you should be thankful that she's pleasant - but be pleasant right back.