Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Straw That Broke Camel's Back 1 of 4
/Posted: 4-FEB-02
This is a classic story which illustrates my MIL's
gall, and the degree to which her sons are spineless. One
spring, DH and I received an invitation to share Easter dinner with
MIL. All the ILs were invited, as well, to go to MIL's small,
cramped, rented apartment. Nothing suits MIL more than to
have all of her "boys" together in one room, at one time.
We went. The dinner was actually pleasant, and I was almost
going to silently scold myself for thinking she had something up
her sleeve. We were nearly through dessert, when MIL stood
up and asked for everyone's attention, as she had an announcement
to make. She proceeded to inform her sons that she had decided
that she had gotten tired of paying rent and the electric bill.
At her age, which was about 75 at the time, she felt it was the
duty of her sons to take care of her. She informed all of
us that she had not signed the lease on her apartment, and within
two weeks she would be putting all of her furniture into storage.
Furthermore, she would rotate visits between all four of her sons.
End of discussion. She sat down with a smile. Not one
of her sons had been consulted about this arrangement, and not one
of them stood up to challenge of this obviously twisted, manipulative
plot. Sure enough, within two weeks she had all of her stuff
in storage, and began a 15 month odyssey of being the bag lady MIL.
She traveled from one son to the other. From the get-go, one
son opted out, because this announcement was the last straw for
his wife. She filed for divorce, and refused to let MIL set
foot in her home. That left 3 sons to share the duty.
MIL would simply show up on the doorstep one day and plop herself
down with her belongings. She'd make DH go to the store and
stock up on her favorite foods and necessities. She never
let us know how long she was going to stay, or when we might expect
her back the next time. This incredible invasion of privacy
ended after 15 months. It ended only because my BIL's wife
and I had HAD it up to here with the arrangement. Both of
us leaned hard enough on our husbands that they finally got together,
weak knees knocking together, and told her she'd have to get her
own apartment again. She got her own apartment again, but
not without raising the heat towards me and BIL's wife. That
was almost 8 years ago, and I still pay the price for that one!
Signed - Been There,
Done That, For Far Toooooooo Long!
RESPONSE: Been There, Done That, For Far Toooooooo
Long!
WHAT are you still doing in this relationship? It's so obvious
that you have an immature mama's boy on your hands (looking smug
as you punish your son - that sounds like something a little brother,
not a father, would do after an argument). You don't have
a problem with your MIL, you have a problem with your MIL and her
spineless son. It's really unfortunate for you that your "D"H
is unwilling to stand up for you, your/his family, or even himself.
I think that YOU would have "opted out" as well on that
first day, and divorced the coward. Financial reasons are
just not enough of a reason to stay in such a "toxic"
relationship. Good Luck, and I hope that you throw this guy
(and all his buried Oedipus complex issues) out soon!! 12+
years IS too long!
RESPONSE: Been There, Done That, For Far Toooooooo
Long!
Good for you and your SIL! And, to top it off, your DHs probably
were relieved mumsie got an apartment. I know Satan will be
serving Sno-cones in He!! before my MIL comes to stay with us.
But, my DH would be the first one to tell her, "Oh, no you're
not!", thank goodness. I hope your DH finds that backbone.
Good luck! J.
RESPONSE: Been There, Done That, For Far Toooooooo
Long!
It sounds like a well paid price to me. Good for you and BIL's
wife.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Straw That Broke Camel's Back 2 of 4
/Posted: 4-FEB-02
Before I go into the exact "incident",
I need to provide history on some other relationship issues that
existed at the time. We have three children, our oldest (15)
son and DH were having relationship challenges. They would
argue loudly, yell and scream, and there where times when the argument
became physical. Pushing, shoving, and wrestling unfortunately
were not uncommon. I will reserve comment on this, since it
is a side issue. I began to look at my response to their relationship.
I realized that part of their battles were to get attention or draw
me into their argument (a long explanation could be inserted here,
but I'll refrain). I will also add that visits from MIL are
never welcomed by anyone in our household. DH gets tense,
and usually becomes "busy" with chores in the yard, shed,
garage, etc. MIL ignores our kids, or makes derogatory comments
about them to me. They are expected to "kiss her hello"
and be "respectful", but she never engages with them at
all. I, of course, get the "low down" on my BIL's
wives - how much she dislikes them, what the other grandchildren
are doing, and her negative opinions about their activities (great
young adults, BTW, with education, nice significant others, successful
careers etc.). I look forward to MIL's visits least of all
because I'm usually the one who is left with her all day!
Consequently, when MIL is expected to arrive, the whole atmosphere
in our home changes, and the stress is ratcheted up many levels.
I have recently taken on a volunteer position in my community which
requires a lot of extra work at home. I had been dropping
this work whenever I was "needed" by someone in the house,
but before long, subtle power struggles began to pop up. In
fact, it became very difficult for me to accomplish anything without
someone "needing" me for something. On this particular
Sunday, I had done a lot of preparation, the day before, for the
dinner. The house was clean, laundry done, etc., and I had
announced to my family that I was going to be busy with some reading
material, and that I did not want to be disturbed (in other words,
I set boundaries). I informed DH that I was going to be in
the finished basement, reading, and I might possibly still be there
when he arrived home from picking up his mother. I was not
going to come up until I was done. So that sets the stage
for you. This is what the dynamics were on the day of MIL's
visit. DH arrived home with MIL. She opened the basement
door and yelled down, "Hello, I'm here!" I said,
"Hello, I'm busy with some reading, but I'll be up in a little
while. DH will make you comfortable." I went back
to my reading. Sometime shortly thereafter, our son entered
the picture, and there were words exchanged between him and DH.
It became an argument, and the argument escalated to yelling and
screaming. MIL opened the basement door, and demanded that
I come upstairs to settle the argument. I calmly replied,
"This is not uncommon for them, they will settle it."
I did not get up, and she closed the basement door. I am proud
of myself for not getting sucked into the dynamics between DH and
our son. I felt that they are "acting out", trying
to pull me into the dysfunction by upping the ante and fighting
in front of MIL. I also am proud of myself because I did not
responding to MIL's demands. Unfortunately, the action was
elevated to the physical. DH and son were apparently engaged
in some sort of pushing, shoving match when MIL opened the door
and started yelling for me to, "Get up here right now, they
are fighting with each other." Again, I did not bite
the bait. I said," Yes, this behavior is unfortunate,
but they have to settle it themselves. Stay away from them."
Of course, by now, I was not reading anymore, but I was determined
NOT to go upstairs and involve myself in settling this horrible
display of family dysfunction, especially in front of MIL.
The fighting and shoving stopped in a short time, and all was quiet.
Did they kill one another, I wondered? I waited about 10-15
minutes. I did not hear talking or discussion, nothing.
So, I calmly went upstairs. MIL was outside, smoking her cigarette.
The smoking issue could fill up 10 pages. Son was watching
TV in the den, hubby was close by watching TV in the kitchen.
I spoke to son and prohibited him from attending a party at his
friend's house that evening because of his behavior. Hubby
clearly heard me say this, because DH had a satisfied look on his
face. Son did not argue, just huffed and got up to go to his
room. Just a word here about my son. He has a temper,
at times, but is much more verbal than physical. He is a straight
A student, he gets along fine with his peers, and is respected by
all adults in his life as a mature, caring, fine young man.
I went into the kitchen and began to arrange the final preparation
of dinner. I said nothing to hubby, who continued to watch
TV, because I do not want to start a marital argument while MIL
is lurking around. MIL entered the house from having her cigarette.
Now, mind you, besides the exchange of words from the basement,
I have not spoken to MIL. MIL entered the house and walked
right up to me. She began to shout at me. She spewed
a litany of comments that began with how she raised four sons who
never treated their father the way my son treated his father (which
is untrue, because she had her thumb broken one time while trying
to break up a fight between one of her sons and her husband).
She ended her tirade by commenting as to how I should pack my son
up and send him to live in another state with my family (whom she
referred to as "your people"). After 20 years, you'd
think I'd be used to this. But I am dumb struck. I had
no involvement in the argument. I wasn't even physically present.
I was standing in my own kitchen, being yelled at like a child by
a woman who has no business passing any comment at all, never mind
suggesting that I send my son away. DH was just sitting there.
He did not get up and come to my side. He did not make a verbal
comment. He simply stared straight ahead at the TV and did
nothing! I felt something click in my head. I said nothing,
but my emotions propelled me to do one of two things: 1)
Reach out and physically strike this woman across the mouth or,
2) Leave. I chose to leave. I would never strike
her, but for the first time in 20 years, I swear that I really felt
like it. This prompted my husband to get out of his chair
and follow me outside to the car. His statement, made with
an incredulous look on his face, was, "I can't believe you're
going to leave the house over this!" I told him that
I was going to my friend's house, and I left. Five hours later,
DH called me at my friend's house. The phone call was not
to apologize or enter into conversation about what had transpired
earlier. The phone call was to ask when I thought I was coming
home. The reason for wanting to know what time I was coming
home was not to ensure that I was coming home. The reason
for the call was to find out if I would pick up our son at his friend's
house. The same friend I had prohibited him from seeing earlier
in the day after the argument with his father. It seems that
DH let our son attend the party after all, because DH didn't want
to have to deal with our son by himself, since I wasn't home!
For the first time in my life, I was twice dumb struck in the same
day. DH never attempted to enter into a conversation with
me over the events of that day. I was so angry with him that
I couldn't see straight for nearly two weeks. Finally, I approached
the subject with him. I pointed out that he had failed to
defend me AGAIN! He failed to speak up for his own family.
He ate the meal MIL finished preparing for him and conducted the
visit even though I was gone. In short, he let me leave and
he let her stay. To add insult to injury, he then overrode
the punishment I set for our son (because DH never sets boundaries).
I have never recovered from this incident. DH never offered
me any kind of apology for his behavior. Six months after
the incident, MIL did call to apologize for her behavior that day.
However, since the call came six months too late, I feel that she
was coerced into the apology. I do not believe, for one second,
that it was sincere. I have stopped interacting with MIL,
completely. I do not answer the phone when she calls.
I keep my conversations short, curt, and to the point, when I am
spoken to in person. All intimacy has been lost in the marital
relationship. I do not trust my husband. And, quite
honestly, I don't think I ever will again. I believe that
he has chosen his mother over me, and perhaps always has.
I stay in the relationship for financial reasons. Lately,
that hasn't even been enough for me not to consider the real possibility
of divorce. I am writing this for all those young brides-to-be.
If you are detecting an unwillingness on your DF's part to wake
up and smell the coffee, gracefully back out now. He has already
chosen the main woman in his life, and sorry, it isn't you.
RESPONSE: Sorry, It Isn't You
"Just a word here about my son. He has a temper, at times,
but is much more verbal than physical. He is a straight A
student, he gets along fine with his peers, and is respected by
all adults in his life as a mature, caring, fine young man."
Do you ever suspect that his temper is due to the way his father
treats him? Protect your son from his father. It is
your responsibility. Your husband is abusing your child, and
you need to put a stop to it. The fact that he feels satisfied
after a physical altercation with your son is alarming. Your
younger children are also being damaged by their father's abusiveness
towards their older brother. Please put your family in counseling
at once.
RESPONSE: Sorry, It Isn't You
Oh, yes, boundaries. Have you read "Boundaries in Marriage"?
It really does apply. I think, perhaps, it is time to offer
DH a choice. A: A marriage counselor who will, no doubt,
point out his lack of, um, maturity. Apron strings like that
usually go over very poorly with therapists. B: A legal
separation until he agrees to A, or agrees to stand up to his responsibilities
and shows you some change in behavior. Legal separation -
complete with alimony, child support, and visitation and the pain
of doing his own laundry and cooking.
RESPONSE: Sorry, It Isn't You
I'm sorry, but it seems to me, after reading your story, that there
are many problems here, the least of which is your MIL! First,
I was shocked that you could sit idly by while your husband and
child get into a physical altercation. What's going on here?
You calmly remove yourself from what you term their "dysfunction",
and that's just wrong. Why is your husband getting into physical
confrontations with your child? And, your son IS still a child,
regardless of how tall he may be, or the fact that he has a "temper."
Then, you issue a punishment to your son without even talking to
him about what happened? And, you say nothing to your husband?
It seems you ALL need to get into some serious family counseling,
NOW. I don't blame your MIL for being upset. She shouldn't
have yelled at you, but your focus on HER behavior instead of your
own, your husband's, and your son's is astonishing. This isn't
about your husband "choosing" his mother over you.
This is about a family dynamic (family meaning you, hubby and son)
that is extremely unhealthy, and maybe even dangerous. Stop
focusing on irrelevant and incidental events, and focus on the real
problem. And, go get some marital and family counseling.
RESPONSE: Sorry, It Isn't You
Unfortunately, your advice is true 98% of the time! My MIL
was actually a very nice person before we got married. I really
thought she was sincere about helping us with "problems"
after we got married. The sad thing was that she and her daughter
were only trying to get my DH to hate me. I felt BETRAYED
for the 3 years that he believed every lie that came out of their
mouths. I have not recovered from the things he KNEW they
did to try and hurt me (even us as a couple) because he never did
apologize or tell others in his family that WE BOTH know that MIL
and SIL did these horrible things to us. I am fortunate that
he finally saw the light and came around. He has nothing to
do with his mother or sister, and has not for some time now!
I think that, if your MIL is a b!tch to you before you even marry,
you definitely need to find out whether your FDH is going to back
you or her!!! If you have ANY doubts, yes (you are right),
do not marry him, no matter how much you love him. Dear MIL
will only make you both hate each other in the end!
RESPONSE: Sorry, It Isn't You
If I were you, I'd print a copy of this story and give it to your
DH. Give him time to digest what was said. And, then,
in a NON-CONFRONTATIONAL tone, ask him again why he did what he
did. Also, take him to counseling. He needs help in
the areas of both marriage and parenting. Your DS also needs
anger management help. There is no excuse for the bad physical
behavior. DS needs to get that in check right now, before
he hurts you, DH, siblings, or others.
RESPONSE: Sorry, It Isn't You
I completely understand how you feel. You and your DH need
counseling. I think your DH shouldn't be getting into physical
arguments with your son. That's a sign to me that he feels
he can control nothing, and that's his small attempt to control
something. Forget about MIL. She sounds useless.
Your DH sounds like the entire problem to me. It's hard to
stand up to parents, but it has to be done. I thought I set
the example with my DH when I defied my own mother. As a result,
she didn't come to my wedding (which still hurts to this day).
But, did DH take a cue from me? Nope! I don't know why
they act this way. Counseling!
RESPONSE: Sorry, It Isn't You
I don't know any other way to say this, but than to just say it.
You are so caught up in the drama and the chaos that your DH and
MIL have created, that you have lost sight of something very important:
When an adult (your husband) hits a minor (your son), it is child
abuse. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. Plain and simple.
Please think about this. "I am proud of myself for not
getting sucked into the dynamics between DH and our son."
No, your job is to get involved and protect your child. "DH
had a satisfied look on his face" (after the fight with your
son) - doesn't that set alarm bells off for you? He's a grown
man, this boy's father. So, what in the world does he have
to feel satisfied about? These altercations of theirs are
not a case of a father and son working out their problems.
It's child abuse. And, the fact that your son is fifteen,
and is probably as big as his father, doesn't make any difference
at all. At the very least, put them both in therapy to solve
their problems. If your husband can't resist "Pushing,
shoving, and wrestling" with a child, he needs some serious
help. This behavior is not "unfortunate", it is
illegal and wrong. My God. My own parents engaged in
the same sort of "disciplinary" behavior with me.
And, now I wish that I had had them arrested. It has seriously
harmed my life. It will harm your son's as well. And,
one day he will hold you accountable for your policy of noninvolvement,
I promise you. Your MIL is a witch, but you have much bigger
problems facing you. I wish you the very best of luck.
And, I beg of you not to disregard what I'm trying to tell you,
out of defensiveness or denial. You still have the opportunity
to correct this. I wish someone had said the same things to
my mother. I might still be talking to her today.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Straw That Broke Camel's Back 3 of 4
/Posted: 4-FEB-02
Here's a great story to further paint the picture
of my MIL. BIL was getting married to wife #2. They
picked a wedding date that happened to be the same day as my DH's
birthday. It was a very small civil ceremony with just the
very immediate family from both sides in attendance. My MIL
had offered to purchase and bring the cake. The wedding was
over, dinner was over, and out came the cake! It said, "Happy
Birthday DH"! She's a piece of work!!!!
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Straw That Broke Camel's Back 4 of 4
/Posted: 4-FEB-02
I was 7 months pregnant with our second child.
MIL invited DH and me over for lunch. We were advised to leave
our 3 year old son with BIL because she wanted to share some private
time with us as a couple. Big red flags should have gone up
here, but they didn't. At this time in our marriage, DH and
I had very little precious time alone. So, to go to this woman's
apartment on a mutual day off, without our son, was a major sacrifice.
We rang the bell, and she greeted us at the door. This was
unusual, since she usually just buzzed us in. I noticed that,
as we walked up the stairs to the apartment, she locked the door
behind us. She served us lunch. There was small, insignificant
chit chat all through the meal, and I was wondering if this could
possibly be all she wanted - a real lunch with DH and me.
WRONG! She served tea and cookies. Out of nowhere, she
looked straight at me and said, "I think it's very ugly of
your mother not to invite me to her Tupperware party."
I tried to behave calmly, and I said, "Well, you should call
her and tell her that you'd like to be included next time."
I was really thinking, "This woman is a total loon bag."
She then launched off into a diatribe about my family. DH
didn't flinch or raise his voice to defend me. Now I'm feeling
doubly hit upon. First, by this wacko woman, who is my MIL,
second, by the fact that the man who is supposed to love me, is
sitting there as a spectator. After realizing that nothing
I would say would stop this verbal whipping that I was receiving,
I got up and headed for the door. It was locked, and I couldn't
get out. I yelled for her to unlock the door, but she didn't
move. I yelled louder, and she still didn't move. Finally,
I started pounding on the door, and I was crying, "Let me out."
She didn't move. DH finally got up to come to me. He
told me that I should calm down because I might "hurt the baby".
I told him to $%#@ off and let me out of the God #$@% apartment!
By this time, I was definitely behaving like a caged animal, because
I felt like one. He finally started to yell at MIL to get
the keys and open the door, which she finally did. I left
the apartment and began walking away in a blind rage, very pregnant
and crying. DH went back into her apartment and closed the
door! He actually let me leave, and he went back to her!!
So much for worrying about "his unborn baby". My
BIL's wife, who had my son for the afternoon, finally pulled up
next to me in her car, and brought me and my son home to our house.
I guess telephone calls were exchanged after I stormed out, and
she knew where to find me. This incident happened about 12
years ago. At the time, I was still blaming MIL for all the
problems. I should have kicked DH out on his @ss for that
one, but it actually never occurred to me. Hindsight is always
20/20!
RESPONSE: Hindsight Is Always 20/20!
WOW!!! You should have told your DH to stay with his mommy
dearest, and to not bother coming home to you! AND, you should
have called the police on this nut job MIL for locking you in like
that. HOW CREEPY IS SHE!!!
RESPONSE: Hindsight Is Always 20/20!
I'm so sorry. What a horrible thing to have happen.
I do hope you got rid of that spineless cretin you inadvertently
married.
RESPONSE: Hindsight Is Always 20/20!
Your DH sounds like, sorry, a real SH!T. And, yes, hindsight
is always 20/20. But, I'm wondering if you're still with him?
What a horrible woman (MIL). And, for him to return to her
and close the door - what a CREEP. I hope, for your sake,
that he has changed his behavior towards her. But, for some
reason, I bet he hasn't.
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