Worst gift: Okay, this
isn't really a MIL story from my OWN experience, but my friend's
MIL gave him a gift one year that takes the cake. It's not
insulting, really. It's just funny, more than anything else.
First of all, my friend is completely and totally bald (he shaves
his head). His MIL gave him the most thoughtful gift one year
- SHAMPOO. Enough said.
Signed - Got A Good Laugh
RESPONSE: Got A Good Laugh
It sounds like that particular MIL was trying to (here comes a pun
or 2) "rub it in" while "getting the point across".
Poor guy. He should reciprocate with a tube of cellulite cream,
or suppositories, or ?????
My MIL likes to drive
up, unannounced, about twice a month. Because it's a 2-hr
drive for her, we can't NOT answer the door, or pretend not to be
home. Also, our cars are in the driveway. She then proceeds
to pull DH aside to discuss (in whispers) "family business".
It's an inheritance matter that she says "doesn't concern"
me, because I am an "in-law". Yet, interestingly,
SHE came into control of this money (I learned, little by little,
from snippets of conversation that I have overheard) because her
husband died when the kids were minors. And, the $$$, which
is supposed to be for her kids (i.e., my DH and his sister), comes
from HER in-laws!! We have 2 children, and I heard that if
something were to happen to my husband, our children would be direct
descendants. Hence, I should be knowledgeable about this,
yet my MIL insists, coldly, that it's none of my business.
I now believe that she's up to something for HERSELF with this money.
She earns a modest income, yet she always seems to be traveling,
entertaining, buying herself expensive clothes, shoes, etc.
But, mostly, she blows it in expensive restaurants, day after day.
Every time I bring it up to DH, he gets angry and says, "Mom
has always been in control of this money!" I'm sure he's
afraid to stand up to her for fear of "making waves".
But, my hunch is that she's using most of the money for herself,
while our little family struggles to make ends meet. Even
if she were caught using his money, I feel DH would allow her to
get away with it, because she is great at pulling out "oh-woe-is-me
stories" and breaking down in phony tears.
Signed - Helplessly Watching
Our Money Go Down Her Gullet
RESPONSE: Helplessly Watching Our Money Go Down Her
Gullet
Do you know the names and addresses of the people who died?
I ask, because if you do know, you could go to the Register of Wills
in that county, or the equivalent, and see the terms of the wills.
There may be provisions within the will for your children, and unless
the will says differently, you are your children's trustee - equally
with DH. Also, depending on the terms of the will, you may
be entitled to something. It all depends on what is in the
will, and it may be worth your while to take a look at it.
RESPONSE: Helplessly Watching Our Money
Go Down Her Gullet
Can't you just not answer the door? If she's foolish enough
to drive for two hours and not even let you know she's coming, then
she deserves it! I bet that if you did this just once, she
would never arrive unannounced again!
RESPONSE: Helplessly Watching Our Money
Go Down Her Gullet
Your MIL is spending that money. The only reason she keeps
bringing it up to your DH is to throw suspicion off of what she
is doing. If he thinks she's keeping a very watchful eye on
it, then he won't believe that she is actually blowing it all on
herself. You're kept out of the discussions, because she knows
that you're on to her, and will work on your husband to expose her.
She's a selfish witch for taking the money that belongs to her kids,
and treating herself with luxury, especially while your family struggles.
Please keep on your husband to convince him of the truth.
And, the next time she shows up unannounced, meet her in the driveway
and let her know that you're on to her.
RESPONSE: Helplessly Watching Our Money
Go Down Her Gullet
The following comments are all based upon the assumption that you
live in the US, and not in Louisiana, which doesn't use the common
law, and that the money was put in a trust. In a perfect world,
your husband would understand that you and he, as a unified front,
should demand: (1) To see the formation documents of
the trust (assuming it is a trust), and thus verify its terms; and,
(2) A complete accounting for the money over time. If
your MIL's in-laws, your husband's grandparents, established a trust
in their will naming him and his sister as the beneficiaries and
naming your MIL as the trustee, she probably has to file annual
statements about the trust's income and expenses somewhere, at a
minimum, with the IRS. She may not actually be doing that.
She also has what is called a "fiduciary duty" to be completely
honest in the management of the trust. However, she only owes
this duty of honesty to the beneficiaries of the trust, your DH
and his sister. They are the only two people who can sue to
enforce it (you can't). How does your SIL feel about the money?
Even if your DH doesn't want to do anything, your SIL can (assuming
she is over 18). You could agitate her. Here is another
question you should try to get answered: Many trusts terminate
when the beneficiary reaches a certain age such as 25 or 30, and
then give any remaining cash to the beneficiary outright.
Does this trust, assuming it is one, have such a clause? It
is NOT automatic that your husband's children would get his share
if he dies. Depending on how the trust is written, your husband's
sister, as the surviving beneficiary, might get the whole share.
This is very possible if your husband's grandparents drafted the
will when he was a child, and they considered that he was very far
away from having children of his own. This is why you and
your husband should get a copy of the actual formation documents
and get a lawyer who specializes in trust/estate work to go over
them. If the trust was created at the time the grandparents
died, it might have been done in a will, and you might be able to
get a copy through your county probate office's old records.
How long ago was that? You don't need to go to MIL to do that,
just try and see if the full name and date of death of the last
grandparent to die leads you to any public records. They won't
be online if they're that old, but you can try going in person and
nicely explaining that your husband is being ripped off and your
MIL won't tell him the terms of the trust, and you want some help
finding the old probate filings. Be sweet, and the clerks
will probably help you. There's not an evil relative story
in the world they haven't heard, trust me. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Helplessly Watching Our Money
Go Down Her Gullet
That's frustrating. I have a few thoughts about it.
It could be that she is using that money to wield power (maybe subconsciously)
over the family. But, as hard as it might be, maybe you should
try to put that money out of your mind. For whatever reason,
she is making you unhappy with it, and maybe you'd be happier if
you just assumed you wouldn't be getting any of it. Just think
of it as her money, and accept the fact that you and your DH will
have to work hard to make ends meet. My DH and I struggle
to make ends meet, and we're pretty happy - and, both of our families
are dirt poor. I think we'd be LESS happy if one of them would
be holding money over our heads. Just set her and her money
free (at least, in your mind). She'll lose some power she
has over you, and you and your DH might be freer and happier!
Oh, where do I begin? DH and I own and operate
a small framing business together. MIL insists on being
present and "helping out" every day. MIL does
not have a driver's license, and she lives about half an hour
away from us. Every day DH gets up early and drives out
to his mother's. He has coffee, and then drives her to the
store. After work, he drives her home. So, this means
that he spends approximately 8-10 hours a day with his mother.
But, this is not good enough - this is not quality time.
She is constantly complaining that she can't go anywhere, and
is stuck outside of town. I no longer tell her when DH and
I have gone out to dinner or a movie, because I will get a guilt
trip of, "Oh, how I wish I could go to a movie sometime."
AHHH! How much time can a grown man spend with his mother
before it starts to become unhealthy?
Signed - Too Much Time
With MIL
RESPONSE: Too Much Time With MIL
Yes, he is spending an awful lot of time with her. You are
on the right track! Just don't tell her when you and your
DH go out. She sounds very dependent, demanding, and immature.
She is not being considerate of your need for privacy as a couple.
She gets plenty of attention from your DH, yet she still wants
more. Keep doing what you're doing. Treasure your
"dates" with your DH, and keep them private from her!
She has no right to lay a guilt trip on you. If it works
for her, she'll do it more!
RESPONSE: Too Much Time With MIL
It's already unhealthy!
I am wondering if I am
insane or not. The relationship I'm in right now is FAR from
any normal relationship. The situation is complicated and
a bit long, so bear with me. I met GF in October of 1993.
We both worked at the same place, but not in the same department.
We began to date. I learned that she had 2 wonderful children.
I met them, and we got along great. She told me about her
parents. They weren't normal by her description. Then,
I met the parents. They lived together. GF was 24 at
the time, and had never been married. Then I discovered that
the children have different fathers. I chalked it up to her
being young and making mistakes. I've made a few myself.
Enter "mother-in-law". GFs parents were antigovernment
folks - mainly her father. They don't pay their taxes, and
have lost their other house. But, GF's mother and I got along
pretty well. We actually grew to be great friends. GF
asked me to give up my apartment and move in with her, since I was
staying over her house all the time and we loved each other.
So, I did. Things went smoothly for bit. Then, I noticed
that her parents didn't work. GF's mom home schooled her kids,
because GF did not have custody of her kids! I never really
got the story as to why. Anyway, 4 years went by, and things,
although not normal in anyway, went along smoothly, for the most
part. GF and I had even mentioned the word "marriage".
The children were growing, and were becoming less interested in
school. GF and her mom were having a bit of trouble controlling
them, so they asked me to become the authority figure, since I got
along with them so well, and they seemed to respect me the most.
I do love those kids as if they were my own. As I began to
watch the situation now with my new responsibility, I began to see
that the problem wasn't the kids. Grandma (GF's mom) would
let the kids wake up when they wanted and start school when they
wanted. There was no structure. Grandma would get up,
assign work, and then go watch TV or play on the internet!
I checked the kids' work one day when no one was home. NO
HOMEWORK OR ASSIGNMENTS HAD BEEN CHECKED IN 2 MONTHS! How
could the kids know whether they were doing the work correctly?
I approached GF with my observation. She mentioned it to her
mom, and things got more structured for about 1 week. During
that week, the kids acted up and did not pay attention, so I dished
out punishment. They were grounded. These groundings
became a problem, because grandma was now having to monitor the
punishments, too. She felt as though she was being punished.
GF insisted that the punishments stick. Then the inevitable
rebellion came. Grandma told the kids that they didn't have
to listen to me or mommy anymore. GF WENT ALONG WITH GRANDMA!
Suddenly, I was the family enemy, and no school work was even being
done anymore. Pop-pops activities were becoming a problem,
too. He was even going around mentioning that, "All cops
should be killed," right in front of the kids! I even
heard him say it in front of the kids when GF was with them, and
she said nothing. I grew quite concerned. I mentioned
to Pam that things had to change. If the state were to find
out that the kids weren't being schooled properly, and about the
comments her father was making, she would lose those kids.
She took this as a threat, and then she and I were battling.
All I wanted was what was right for the kids and GF. Yet,
I was told that I was the attacker. GF's mom began to do the
subtle things that mothers do to boyfriends and husbands.
She would create trouble, yet make herself look innocent.
I would mention these things to GF, and she would always defend
her mom. I, finally, had to call the state. CPS came
in, but the family had already planned for such a visit. I
ended up being the "controlling ogre", as it was explained
to me. I backed off, and began to look for another place to
live. GF's mom embarked on an all-out offensive against me.
GF was stuck in the middle, but sided with her mom. Things
calmed a bit, and I even invited a friend of GF's and mine to visit.
Shortly after he left, GF and I began a conversation. It was
a serious one, but there was no attacking of each other involved.
Suddenly, GF's mom came running down the hallway calling me every
bad name you could think of, and called the state police.
They arrived, and I was escorted away from the property I had lived
at with GF for 8 years now. What the heck had just happened?
I got a hotel room, and the police wanted to know what really happened.
So, I explained it to them, giving them all the history. I
even had the friend come up to the hotel room and talk to the cops
as well. The police even said that they don't know why they
were really called. I even have the police report which states
that no crime was committed. The police were also very interested
in pop-pop's comments about killing the police. However, nothing
has been done as of this writing. The next day, GF called
me on my cell phone, upset and crying, and telling me that she still
loved me. She said that last night's activities were wrong.
So, we continued to see one another. She helped to set me
up in an apartment about 4 miles away. GF remained living
with her parents. GF would visit, but the times were fewer
and fewer. She does have a very good full-time job.
My computer business had become quite slow. Of course, it
was set up at GF's house. She helped with my finances.
I don't know whether it was out of love, guilt, or both, but she
and I were actually getting along again, quite well in fact.
Then, I began to look at the situation. I couldn't go over
to her house, not even to visit. I had to wait for GF to come
see me. She was letting her mom, or so it seemed, dictate
when she would see me. I began to express this problem to
her, which resulted in an argument every time. Then, she became
quite snappy with me, seemingly disrespectful. But, she was
always telling me that she loved me. I would stop by for lunch
with her on days she worked, and leave love letters in her car,
but I received only one card. There is so much more to this
story, but this is long enough. Am I being loved, or what?
Am I insane?
Signed - Murphy's Law
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
If you love her, why didn't you marry her? What was the problem?
If you aren't going to, then you should let her and the kids go.
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
You need to remove yourself from this situation. If she loved
you, she would not side with her mother continuously. I can't
believe she puts her children through this madness. It sounds
like you've done all you can do. Best of luck!!
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
As kind as your heart may be, your GF has A LOT of growing up to
do. Your best bet is to break off the relationship, and find
an adult to go out with.
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
I understand that this board is supposed to be a forum for giving
uplifting advice, but I think this would be more useful to you:
Question 1: Did you consider how it looked/felt to the kids
to have a live in boyfriend? Question 2: Did you consider
them at all when you went in and out of this relationship?
Question 3: Why did you rely on GF to support you? Question
4: Why did you live with her? Why didn't you have your
own place to run your company out of? Question 5: Why
did she have to "set you up" in a new apartment?
Question 6: Why are you even associated with people like that?
Those in-laws are unlawful citizens, and they sound like crooks.
GF sounds like a mindless wimp who lets either her parents or her
men run her life. It sounds like it is time to take a LONG,
HARD LOOK at your life and situation. It is far from normal.
It is unhealthy for all involved, especially those poor children.
It is time to stand up and be a man.
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
Be ready to run - run fast and run far. Tell your GF that,
unless she moves out of her parent's house, puts the kids in an
actual school, and starts standing up to her parents, then the relationship
is over. Also, I'd check with the state board of education
regarding the home schooling. The board may want to test the
kids to make sure they are progressing nicely. Did the cops
incident cost you anything? If so, I'd sue GF's mom.
She needs to be taught a lesson. Don't let GF talk you out
of suing. She needs to see that people must account for their
actions.
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
My vote is that you are insane. Run away, man! This
woman and her family will drag you down. What a nightmare,
and yet you stick around for more! Good luck!
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
I'm so sorry, but I think your relationship with this girl is a
lost cause. Her family is seriously deranged, and she doesn't
sound like she is all there, either. Would you really want
to marry someone like your GF? She is a terrible mother to
her children. What if you want children? Would you really
want to have them with this GF? Please think long and hard
about this. It sounds like this girl puts her parents before
everyone else, including her own kids. That leaves you way
down on the list. I think you should try to get over this
girl and move on. There is someone out there for you who will
love you and put you first. This girl is definitely not that
someone. Best of luck to you.
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
You are a fool to even talk to this woman ever again, let alone
see her. Get out now. You have wasted enough of your
life. It's time to get a real life.
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
Oh, Murphy! Get out, get out, get out while you can.
And, be very thankful that you never got this girl pregnant or married
her. Please, go find yourself an emotionally healthy girlfriend
and forget this girl. There is nothing you can do to fix her
problems if she can't be bothered to try and better herself.
Be glad you didn't marry her. I hear that the IRS can come
after a brand new spouse's assets to pay off back income taxes owed
by the partner. Just one thing: Before you sever all
connections, get in touch with the state welfare agency and inform
them of the kids' lack of educational supervision - they're the
real victims here.
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
Are you being loved? Maybe. But it is not a healthy
love or relationship, from the sound of it. Are you insane?
Not yet - but I wouldn't have much hope for your sanity in the future
if you stay with this GF and her family. Unless she is willing
to make you and the kids her #1 priority, I think this relationship
is beyond doomed. I know it hurts, but I think you should
move again - and don't give GF your forwarding address or phone
number.
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
You sound TOO nice. I don't want to make the response into
a book, but you have gone overboard for your GF, her kids, and your
GF's parents. They are totally looney, and you are better
off getting out while you can. Just the fact that you wrote
to this web site shows that you KNOW things are not right.
Thank god you did not marry your GF and get yourself REALLY tied
into such a crazy family. You sound like a good guy who was
trying to help out. Unfortunately, your help was not really
wanted or appreciated. The fact that those crazies called
the cops on you for no good reason is all the evidence you need
to GET OUT! RUN FAR AWAY, AND FAST!!!!!!!!!!!! From
what you wrote, you would be insane to stay with your GF and accept
more abuse! Good luck!
RESPONSE: Murphy's Law
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you ARE insane if you stay in this
situation. I commend you for trying to help those kids, but
you've done all you can for them. Let the police take it from
here. They have been made aware of the situation. There
is nothing more you can do here except get more heartache for yourself.
Not to mention, GF's parents are a few bricks short of a load, and
might even be capable of violence. This is never going to
get better, and could even get much, much worse. I think you
know that, but are unwilling to admit it. Get out before it's
too late.
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Worst Gift Stories
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