After 16 1/2 years of
literally "taking a back seat" to my MIL, we came to a
parting of the ways. I'd bitten my tongue thousands of times
over the years, but a phone call she made to me in August, 1999
took the cake. My husband is an entertainer. Because
we have two children, and I have a fear of flying, I rarely got
to travel to see him perform. My own parents died early in
the marriage, and my MIL has always put up a fuss whenever we asked
her to baby-sit, even though she was, and is, relatively young and
healthy enough to do so, and even though we never asked her more
than twice a year. (She baby-sits at least once a week for
her daughter's child, but that's another story.) Anyway, two
years ago my husband was going to be performing within a 2 hour
distance from our home. He wanted me to be there, along with
our two children. We made plans to all drive to the theater
together. Now, my MIL decided she wanted to go, too.
(She often goes to see him perform with her sisters. They
usually fly). This time, however, she decided she wanted to
go in the car with my husband, "the star", because he
was driving. She insisted that I either: A) Leave the
children (ages 5 and 15) with my own sisters (who have their hands
full with their own children), or B) Take the bus with the
children, so that there would be room for her, her sisters and her
grown daughter in the car along with my husband and me. My
husband told her, in no uncertain terms, that our children were
not going to be left behind, and that I was not taking the bus to
make room for her and her sisters. (He normally does not stand
up to her, and neither do I). I guess she was so shocked at
his refusal that she told him off. Then, after he'd left the
house to drive the 3 miles home, she called me up to tell me off.
In sixteen years, I'd never said a word to her. But, this
time, when she began to rant and rave, he told her that I had no
intentions of leaving my children home to make room for her sisters,
and that I was definitely NOT taking a bus! MIL threw a hissy
fit, told me that it was the "end of our relationship".
I told her, quite frankly, that we "never had a relationship".
She was so shocked at my assertiveness that she screamed out to
her daughter (who was there, as usual, for a free meal, along with
her daughter and husband) that she was taking a heart attack. (She
didn't). To make a long story short, I've not seen nor spoken to
her in all this time, and I've never been happier.
Signed - Free At Last!
RESPONSE: Free At Last!
Congratulations. It's nice to see your husband finally stuck
up for you and you didn't have to do it alone. How lucky you
are!
How do you live with
a controlling jealous mother-in-law who wants to know your every
move?
Signed - Wants To Know
Every Move
RESPONSE: Wants To Know Every Move
You have to set limits in the relationship with your MIL.
"No" is always a good start. I also recommend silence
when MIL asks something inappropriate.
RESPONSE: Wants To Know Every Move
You don't! Break all contact! Right now.
RESPONSE: Wants To Know Every Move
Invest in caller ID and change the locks. Tell your husband
to "Leave thy family and cleave unto thy wife" (bible
quote!).
RESPONSE: Wants To Know Every Move
Just say no. You don't have to live with her. Set boundaries,
and do not be moved.
RESPONSE: Wants To Know Every Move
You don't live with her! End of story! Unless I'm missing
the meaning, and she's trying to know everything you do from afar,
then I would say as little as possible. Or, shock her, and
tell her something completely ridiculous. Tell your DH first,
of course, so he can see the woman's wacky behavior.
What do you do when:
A) You feel sorry for a MIL who had a sh!tty marriage.
B) MIL seems innocent to everyone, but is truly manipulative
and does not even sneeze without calculating its impact on the audience.
C) Your MIL treats DH as a king, and makes him feel so special
for every little thing (to the point that it makes you puke).
D) DH can't see any fault in her. E) MIL needs
DH for the emotional needs that other relationships in her life
did not fulfill. D) You tried to have an honest discussion
about the whole scenario with her. You told her that you understand
where she is coming from, but it has to stop, as it is unhealthy
for your marriage. But, she laughed in your face (as you made
her realize, again, the power she holds over your DH). E)
You have emotionally divorced her, but for various reasons (including
little kids) you can't divorce DH. F) DH can't live
with the fact that you will have nothing to do with her anymore,
and accuses you of trying to separate a mother from her son.
Also, am I right in letting my DH know that he can do what he wants
with her, but that she is no longer a part of my and our kids' life
(on the grounds that she has knowingly tried to undermine our marriage,
despite my earlier attempts to have a mother/daughter relationship
- and later, a civil relationship with her). DH manages to
make me feel badly about it. I almost get talked into believing
that I may be overreacting to the situation I am in.
Signed - Struggling To
Keep MIL Out Of My Marriage And Still Being Able To Save It
RESPONSE: Struggling To Keep MIL Out Of My Marriage
And Still Being Able To Save It
You're not imagining anything. You have the right, as a person
and a parent, to protect yourself and your children from this woman.
I have the same situation, but my husband hesitantly agrees with
me that she has a problem. Stop making excuses for her behavior
and feeling sorry for her. Unfortunately, your husband will
either come around or he won't. It's possible that he sees
what's going on, but is afraid to act. My DH's mother had
a choke hold on him until I told him I wasn't going to put up with
it. Your DH may be in a situation where he has been told he
cannot stand up to her. But, believe you me, he can if he
can muster the courage. Hang in there. And, keep calmly
explaining, with examples, why you will not have contact with her.
Hopefully, this will eventually sink in. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Struggling To Keep MIL Out
Of My Marriage And Still Being Able To Save It
G) Stick to your guns. You know what's best for you and your
children.
RESPONSE: Struggling To Keep MIL Out
Of My Marriage And Still Being Able To Save It
This is a tough case, but it's clear that your husband has no loyalty
to you and your kids. So, the question is, why should you
subject your kids to an unhappy marriage. It sounds like you
have a sh!TTY marriage yourself. Do you want that behavior
to reflect on your kids? I would suggest counseling, or a
separation for a while. Not divorce - separation. Let
your husband figure out who is more important. He should not
have to give up his relationship with his mother if that's what
he really wants. But, he needs to figure out a way to make
you and your children happy, first and foremost.
RESPONSE: Struggling To Keep MIL Out
Of My Marriage And Still Being Able To Save It
There is a book called "Emotional
Incest" that I hear addresses that issue, and is very
good. I won't bother telling you how wrong your DH and MIL
are - you already know it. But, please get some kind of counseling.
You need emotional support, because the person who is supposed to
be the most supportive of you - your husband - is forsaking his
marriage and family to make mommy dearest the most important.
This is a common problem among us DILs. First, to get DH to
see there is a problem. Then to get him to stand with you,
and set some reasonable boundaries for the sake of your marriage
and children. And, then to get him to enforce the boundaries.
Please come on over to the boards - the Spam free one is best -
and talk. You will find DILs in your situation, some at the
next stage, and some at the next. We try to be supportive
as you move through the steps with DH.
RESPONSE: Struggling To Keep MIL Out
Of My Marriage And Still Being Able To Save It
Although I am not a pro (counselor), I understand that they deal
with issues like this often, especially jealous MILs who seem to
be mostly jealous of a wife's position in her husband's life.
A wife lives with her son, of course. She has a much greater
amount of time with him, and gets more attention and affection from
him, etc., etc. Also, if the MIL doesn't have, or has never
had, a good marriage, she may not want anyone else to have a good
one (simple, catty jealousy). An expert can point out these
things with an expert's credibility, so, it won't seem like it is
only your opinion. Also, it is none of my business about your
religion, but clergymen are quite familiar with problems similar
to yours, and they (at least Christian ones) can reference many
scriptures which direct a husband to place his wife above all others,
except God. DH and I were having similar problems with MIL.
But, once he made a few simple, conversational statements about
me coming first in his life, she stopped trying to compete with
me. One such instance, was when she was gossiping about a
neighbor's husband treating his wife so badly. DH said, "Gosh,
my wife is the most important person in my life. I could never
treat her that way." I hope some of this helps.
Good luck.
I am marrying a wonderful
man in September. Luckily, he doesn't get along well with
his mother. FMIL is the epitome of a person who: Makes
promises that she can't keep, AND gives gifts that are totally unwanted.
My grandmother collected antiques to add to her heirloom antiques.
Most of the furniture in our house are gifts from my grandmother,
which are to be split between my brother and me. When I was
adopted, my grandmother gave my mother a set of silver, a dining
room suit, and a china breakfront (that is to be given to me when
I have my first house). My fiancé bought a house last
spring, and we have the perfect spot for the dining room suite and
matching china breakfront. After many promises of contributions
(like a bedroom suite or a refrigerator), my FMIL decided she'd
have a china cabinet refinished for our wedding present. Now,
we'll have two that don't match!!
Signed - Baffled
RESPONSE: Baffled
I would actually love to have another china hutch. I could
use the storage room. I collect tea cups and saucers, and
I'm running out of space. I think you can use the second hutch.
You just have to be creative about it. Could it go in your
living room as a storage area for letters, keys, purses, or videos?
Or could it go in an office? Look at the gift as an opportunity,
not as something totally useless.
RESPONSE: Baffled
She'll have a china cabinet refinished? Did she already have
it? Is it an antique? If she already had it, and it
is not an antique (and she hasn't already had someone start the
work), I would do one of 2 things: I would tell her that you
prefer antiques, you own an antique already, and there really isn't
room for another cabinet at this point. In fact, even if MIL's
is an antique, you already own one because it has been promised.
OR, I would tell her that it really isn't something you need at
this point, but you will store it in the basement (or at a friends
- from whose house it doesn't have to come back, or in your garage,
etc.) until you have the place for it. Actually, now that
I think about it, you could put both things together and say that
you prefer antiques, but will store her cabinet until you find a
use for it. Chances are, she will not like that, and will
decide to keep the cabinet herself. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Baffled
So, perhaps you ought to thank her for the lovely glassed-in bookcase
that has a prominent place of honor in the den (or wherever).
If she corrects you, apologize profusely, and explain that you'd
assumed she'd seen the breakfront your grandmother had given you.
Worst gift: Well, not
even 2 weeks after receiving MIL's Christmas gift (a scarf that
I wore maybe 3 times during that period), it unraveled and fell
apart. It is now in the trash. She told me that she
got the same one for my SIL. It must have been a "2 for
1" deal at the dollar store that day
Signed - Cheap Gifts
Are Her Specialty
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