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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
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February
13, 2002
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JANUARY
2002
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FEBRUARY
2002
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I have had a mother in
law for 8 years now, and we barely speak. Everything was fine,
until I married her so called "precious" son. But,
I broke her and him both. I was either married to him or her,
not both. They might be family, but I don't believe in those
package deals. My parents are fine - they don't butt in, they
don't do anything unless I ask them for advice. We have a
son who is 16 months old. My mother-in-law didn't come to
his Christening, or his 1st birthday, because my husband's step-mom
was there. They get along. They speak, but that is about
it. My MIL (his step-mom) is wonderful, and she is just about
my best friend. But, his momma, on the other hand, came out
from under a rock. And, luckily, she lives an hour away.
When we first got married, I thought, "Let's not cause ripples
in the pond, and go with what she says." Then, one day,
she was at our house flapping her yap, as usual, and I went off.
She left the house crying, and then my husband and I were into it
that whole day. But, it was worth it, because from then on
out, I was my own woman. My husband grew a spine, and the
hen b!tching started. But, it was my way, and now she has
learned to respect me and what I decide. She has no influence,
but it still seems that she always knows everything that we do.
My husband always said to me that I couldn't keep my mouth shut,
but my mouth is what got her to respect me. If I hadn't stood
up to her and told her to "stop and just shut up", I would
still be miserable. It's still awkward at family events, but
I go and face her that way. She won't win. I have the
most conniving one you will ever meet, but it's the mind games with
her that are exhausting, because she is always trying to undermine
me like I'm stupid. Now, when she starts, my husband just
automatically hands the phone to me, because he doesn't like arguing
with her, and I just hang up. If you don't listen to it, and
say you don't want to hear it, she can't get under your skin.
And, that is what gets her more than anything - by her not saying
whatever useless sh!t that comes out of her mouth.
Signed - Gets Her More
Than Anything
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Worst gift: For Christmas,
my MIL gave me samples that she had received in the mailbox.
That was it! She didn't even remove the envelopes or labels
from them. She just scratched out her name on the front, and
wrapped them in gift paper. My husband received a pricey gift,
and BIL's girlfriend received something pretty nice. It sounds
like she doesn't like me, huh? My birthday is soon. Maybe
she will wrap some coupons from the paper for me. Oh, boy!
Signed - Sampled DIL
RESPONSE: Sampled DIL
The story posted right above yours, i.e. the gal who stood up to
her MIL, is great advice. Your birthday is coming soon.
Why not PRE-EMPT the b!itch and tell her "not to bother"
giving you a gift, even a token one? Be sure to tell your
DH before you do this. Say what you have to say in front of
him (on the phone is fine - but keep it on speakerphone so she can't
put words into your mouth later), and tell him why you don't want
gifts from her. He may, in a private moment when she's pissing
him off, bring it up. And, either she'll get pissed (who cares?),
or she'll decide to give you gifts that don't insult.
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You are great "therapists",
and I would deeply appreciate some advice on this. Have any
of you figured out a way to cope with a very critical, exacting,
demanding SIL, in a kind, mature way? I never seem to live
up to her standards, and neither does anyone else. I find
her comments about other people unfair, and lacking in compassion
(even though, in other ways, she's not a bad person - she's very
helpful). Yet, I become deeply depressed by her criticisms
of me, even though I don't agree with any of her criticisms of others.
She spends just about all her time with me complaining about, and
picking apart, other relatives, mostly on her side of the family.
I will eagerly listen to what you have to say. I have to do
something about this, or I will feel badly about it for the rest
of my life. I am not sure, but I imagine the others she complains
about just "blow off" her criticisms, and don't take them
to heart. But, maybe they do take them to heart, and feel
badly about them.
Signed - Sad SIL
RESPONSE: Sad SIL
Your SIL sounds like my MIL. I haven't found a perfect way
to deal with such a person, but I usually try to follow anything
negative she says with something positive. It usually shuts
her up. For instance, she might say, "X is putting on
weight, she shouldn't wear those pants." And, I might
say in response, "L is such a beautiful person. I didn't
notice." Or, "She looks lovely in those pants."
I know that if I'm being negative, and someone "betters"
me by seeing the good in the same thing that I'm being critical
of, it tends to embarrass me and make me want to shut up.
Nobody wants to look like the bad guy. I hope this helps!
RESPONSE: Sad SIL
Have you written here before about your SIL? If you're the
one I'm thinking of, then I sincerely believe you need some counseling.
You give your SIL far, far too much power and influence over you.
On one hand, you always talk about how much people like her, and
how "helpful" she is. Then, you talk about how all
she does is criticize people. I don't think we can get an
accurate picture of her from you, because your perspective of her
is filtered through your own insecurity. If she makes you
feel badly, avoid spending time with her! Or, just tell her
that her criticism hurts you, and you would prefer not to hear it.
But, I honestly think you are going to need some professional help.
You are clearly obsessed with this woman, and are letting your perceptions
of how she sees you rule your life. That's just not healthy.
I have a feeling that if it weren't your SIL, you'd feel this way
about someone else. Please, get some counseling and get control
of this problem, and your life. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Sad SIL
I have a SIL who is just like this. Over the years, she has
lost most of her friends, alienated her family, and turned her husband
into a spineless yes-man. Thank G*d she never had any children.
I try to make allowances for her, because I know she was emotionally
and physically abused by MIL when she was growing up. So,
I let a lot of things go in one ear and out the other. But,
sometimes she crosses the line, and I just have to speak up!
My advice is to pick your battles. Ignore most of her snarky
comments, but don't be afraid to speak up if she says something
that REALLY offends you personally. She'll respect you more
if you don't let her walk all over you! Good luck!
RESPONSE: Sad SIL
I could have written your story myself a few years ago. My
SIL was the same way. I've also often wondered what I could
do about it. My DH would always say, "That's just the
way she is. Laugh it off and forget about it."
But, when we had children and she began turning her critical and
offensive statements towards them (and hurting their feelings),
my DH had enough. Now, we neither see nor speak to her.
It has been very quiet, and rather pleasant. The very last
time that they spoke, he told her that she needed to change.
And, when she was ready to be a nicer person, she should call him.
Needless to say, we haven't heard from her. I wish you better
luck with your SIL. I've gotten some good advice here from
other posters. Why don't you test the waters, the next time
she says something critical, by saying, "You know you're hurting
my feelings, don't you?", or something like that. If
she responds positively to that, there may be hope.
RESPONSE: Sad SIL
It sounds like she may just have this sort of personality - she
may think this is normal, and that this is the way people converse.
Why? I don't know, since it seems obvious to me that she should
see it isn't the norm. But, I have a sister and a SIL like
that, and it is as if they think all you want to do is sit and "dig
the dirt" together. When I have had enough, I say something
like, "My gosh - YOU are sure in a rotten mood today!"
When they react with surprise, I say, "I need to talk about
positive things today." If they don't switch (and most
times they do for the rest of that visit), I just cut the visit
short. I don't know how to change them. Why don't you
come over to the boards, where we all can have an ongoing talk about
this and put our heads together? I know you and I are not
the only ones with IN-LAWS like this.
RESPONSE: Sad SIL
Encourage your children to pack their teddy and toothbrush, and
run away from home. Either that, or run away from home yourself.
The sooner, the better, I say. Because, if you put things
off, there's that awful chance that, when you least expect it, you'll
have mutated from a perfectly normal, sweet, and always right mother
into a beastly, hated and never right, mother-in-law. I haven't
got anything against them. Some of my best friends are MILs.
I had one myself, once. It's just that I just don't particularly
want to become one. One minute you're the object of affection,
the beloved child, respected parent, and cherished wife. The
next minute, perfect strangers in smoky bars, who you wouldn't poke
at with an orthopedic shoe, are making jokes at your expense.
And, women who are the beloved of your sons, hate you.
RESPONSE: Sad SIL
The next time she's in one of her "helpful" periods, why
not compliment her and say, "You know, I really like you when
you're like this! You're such a lovely person. And,
yet, sometimes, do you realize ---?", without being accusing.
This may open the doors of communication. Most people like
to think they are liked and/or admired, and if you put it to her
while she's receptive, you will surely make inroads. If nothing
else, she'll understand that she makes hurtful statements.
People like her are insecure and often embittered by life (a life
they themselves created, by the way). Best of luck.
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received will be posted as early as our resources will allow.
Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then posted, all at
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Working Women Don't Have Wives