Hello, all fellow MIL
sufferers! I have finally come to terms with the fact that
I cannot make my MIL disappear forever, and have stopped fantasizing
about: (A) An unfortunate shipwrecking leaving them on a desert
island never to be discovered. (B) Being abducted by aliens
never to return to planet Earth. (C) Moving away from where
we are so that they can be closer to their daughter, and never visiting
us, except once a year. Anyway - I now have to learn to live
with her in my life. My new challenge - not to let her hurt
me with her words, and to become tough and thick skinned!
Unfortunately, my big mouth fails me with this little lady, as I
am scared of her. She reminds me of a headmistress, and I
fear that to confront her when she spurts out one of her hurtful
(but well hidden) remarks would make our relationship even more
difficult (and, she might shout at me!). I also fantasize
about what I would say to her if I did! So, anyone with any
advice on how to not let her occasional snide and tart remarks hurt
my feelings, please respond ASAP!! Many thanks! PS.
I have considered ear plugs!
Signed - I Have Considered
Ear Plugs!
RESPONSE: I Have Considered Ear Plugs!
How about being honest? When she says something hurtful, ask
her straight out if she is intentionally trying to hurt you, and
why. Ask nicely and sincerely. Good luck!
RESPONSE: I Have Considered Ear Plugs!
Provoke her so she shouts at you, then out shout her! She'll
flip, and realize she shouldn't press your buttons. And, who
cares if she says, from then on, that you're "oversensitive"
or "volatile"? She probably won't say it in front
of you, for fear of provoking you again! But, if you hear
it from third parties, just laugh and say, "That batty old
thing", and shrug it off.
RESPONSE: I Have Considered Ear Plugs!
I think you should stand up for yourself. What's the worst
that could happen? If she yells, you just yell louder.
I bet her bark is worse than her bite anyway. You shouldn't
let her hurt your feelings one more day. She may even respect
you for it.
RESPONSE: I Have Considered Ear Plugs!
My MIL likes to make veiled remarks too. I have adopted this
approach: I wrinkle my forehead, and ask her to explain what
she meant, repeatedly. I tell her, "I'm sorry, I'm not
following you. I'm not as smart as you, so could you explain
---?" Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Have Considered Ear Plugs!
I like your style! You've got spunk, and quite a sense of
humor. Unfortunately, I don't think you can either grow thicker
skin, or a backbone that doesn't turn to jelly at the first hint
of disapproval, in one posting. C'mon over to the boards where
many of us are learning to grow those very same body parts.
We have one lady who gives "rock sucking" lessons!
Please join us. Motherinlaws Nightmare.
RESPONSE: I Have Considered Ear Plugs!
This b!tch is no lady. I would not be afraid of her barking,
and would tell her that, if she cannot speak to me in a normal tone,
like an adult, then you will not listen. Treat her like the
child she is.
RESPONSE: I Have Considered Ear Plugs!
Leave the room whenever your MIL says something hurtful. Don't
say anything, just leave the room. Leave the room, even if
you are in mid-conversation, or in the middle of cooking dinner.
If she asks you why you left, tell her. Be nice, and be firm,
but do tell her that what she said is hurtful and rude, and you
wanted to leave the room before the situation got worse. After
all, it is the mature thing to do.
RESPONSE: I Have Considered Ear Plugs!
I'm just curious as to why you are afraid of this woman. I
can understand if you bite your tongue for the sake of peace, as
many of us have done in the past. But, I have recently come
to wonder why we even bother to do so. First, MILs are just
people, although we question it. Why do we allow MILs to say
whatever strikes them, and not retaliate. My DH is always
afraid that I will say something to hurt MIL's feelings. HA!
What about MY feelings? I finally told DH that I was not put
on this earth to like and/or love every single person I come in
contact with, and his mother is just one of those people I choose
not to associate with. It sounds as if you too have this choice
to make. And, it sounds like the farther you get from this
woman, the happier you will be. A wonderful response for these
cleverly disguised insults and slams is to simply ask the MIL, "What
do you mean?"
Here is latest chapter
with my MIL. A few weeks ago, she came in the front door from
getting the mail. She is 76. My 2 year old was lying
on the floor in front of the door, so she could not shut it.
My 2 year old was mad, because she went out and he could not.
I was about to fix breakfast, and when I saw he was in the way,
I asked him to get up so Granny could shut the door. I asked
twice, and he got up and went to the bedroom to continue to watch
his cartoons. I noticed that she looked a little angry (which
is nothing new), but I didn't know what it could be this time.
I continued to fix breakfast. Later, I was downstairs doing
my usual Saturday morning thing and the phone rang. We have
three telephones in the house, same line, just three extensions.
We also have a computer hooked to the same phone line. It
only rang once. I assumed she got the phone, or someone might
have dialed a wrong number. Then, the phone rang again, this
time twice. I still did not touch the phone. Then, I
heard her telling my husband something a little later. I couldn't
quite hear well enough, but it sounded like she was mad about something.
So, my husband came downstairs and asked me if I knew what his mother
was talking about. She stated that she had picked up the phone
and was talking to whomever was on the other end, but I had cut
her off from downstairs. Bewildered at this point, I looked
at my husband, and he was waiting for me to reply. I did not
know exactly what to say. So, I said that the phone rang,
and I assumed someone had gotten it upstairs, and that was all I
knew about the situation. I had not been on the computer that
morning, either. If I had tried to get on the computer while
she was on the phone, it still would not have cut her off.
I'm sure it would have made it difficult to hear, but I could not
have cut her off. Then, she stated that she was trying to
talk to the baby at the front door and I took her him away from
her. Remember when I asked him to get up? So, I asked
her, "Weren't you trying to come back in the front door from
the mailbox, and you shut the door?" She said that she
knew that I had gone and told my husband that she had tried to shut
the door on the baby's head (hard to follow?). It is for me
too. At this point, I'm very confused, and very angry, because
I know I have not done these things. My husband wants me to
defend myself and tell him what has happened. The whole time,
nothing was making sense. Can you imagine how I feel?
I've been putting up with this kind of thing for 6 years.
I am very tired. Does anyone have any advice, PLEASE????????????
Signed - DESPERATELY
NEEDING ADVICE!
RESPONSE: DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE!
Does she have dementia? It doesn't sound like she's in her
right mind. No wonder you're confused!
RESPONSE: DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE!
I think you know what most of us are going to say, and that is:
Your MIL should not be living with you, DH, and DS! End of
story. Why is she living with you? This is putting a
strain on your marriage, and you know it. Have her move out!
That is the only advice I can give you. Good luck.
RESPONSE: DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE!
You should tell her how you feel, and demand that she gives you
the respect you need, and deserve.
RESPONSE: DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE!
If I'm understanding this right, your MIL lives with you?
I think that situation has to stop right now, if that's the case,
(especially if it's causing trouble between you and DH).
RESPONSE: DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE!
Yes, Yes, I do know how you feel. Just keep your DH informed.
Hopefully, he will understand and back you all the way. It
sounds as if MIL has some emotional problems!
RESPONSE: DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE!
Get her a nice room at Shady Pines! Let them deal with her
alternate history.
RESPONSE: DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE!
Get the book "Toxic
In-Laws" by Susan Forward. Read the chapter on
"The Critics", and particularly "Criticism by Proxy".
It completely describes your MIL and her behavior! She is
using your DH to criticize you so she doesn't have to face you herself.
The book also talks about these critics as "injustice collectors".
They gather their complaints and imagined slights and whine to their
child (your partner) about you. Usually, their complaints
are petty, and they blow the smallest of incidents way out of proportion.
It's an excellent book to read, and it talks about what you can
do to handle these situations, and how to talk to your spouse about
it. I highly recommend it! Good luck to you!
I never had much contact
with my MIL before my husband and I were engaged. But, shortly
after the engagement, the problems started quickly. The first
time I really got aggravated with MIL was when she bought her dress
to wear to our wedding. I discussed, with her and my mother,
that I did not want either of them to wear white, but any other
color would be fine. A couple of weeks later, she informed
me that she knew I would be mad, but she decided she wanted to wear
white. She went ahead and bought herself a white dress.
Also, before the wedding, she jumped my case big time while we were
laying out decorations at the church, because she said I should
have asked her if we could use her church instead of using a different
one. Although her son did say something to her about using
their church, she told him that we could use their church, but her
preacher would not marry us. She has been very hateful to
me ever since we got married. She called me at least once
a week at work and invited my husband and I over for dinner.
Of course, she always waited until the day of, instead of asking
ahead of time, like we asked her to do many times. My husband
works nights, so when we would go over, he always would take a plastic
container to fix a plate to take to work. She would grab the
container up every time and smell it. She would make a face,
saying how nasty it was. And, then, she would rewash it, and
tell me how I should wash dishes. Like most MIL/DIL relationships,
ours continued to get worse after I found out that I was pregnant.
When my husband told her, she said, "That's just another bill
that you really need." She then told him she would tell
his father at a later date, but she did not want her mother to know
for a while. She knew I got upset with her over her comments,
so she called me at work and said she wanted me to come to her house,
because she needed to have a little talk with me. I went over,
and she proceeded to tell me that she is just that way and I will
just have to deal with it, because she is not going to change.
She said she knew I didn't like her anyway, and that I would not
want her grandchild to even know her (she was always telling people,
in front of me, that I don't like her, and I don't appreciate her).
I kept my mouth shut, and just continued acting like nothing had
ever happened. I could go on for days and days about things
that she has said and done to hurt me, but I'll just tell you about
the day I had finally had enough. MIL called and invited me
and my husband over for dinner. When we arrived, MIL ran past
me (she actually ran into me and almost knocked me down) and grabbed
my son out of my husband's arms. She played with him for a
minute, and then handed him to FIL so that she could finish dinner.
A few minutes later, something was said (innocent conversation),
but it happened to involve something that my husband should have
discussed with me, but had not. My husband and I quietly exchanged
a couple of words, and I went outside to cool off. My husband
followed me outside, and we continued and settled our discussion.
In the end, we were perfectly fine with each other, and nothing
was said to or about his parents. MIL asked if we were coming
to eat, so we went in, and she had already eaten and was playing
with my son. FIL was still sitting at the table, so DH and
I fixed our plates and sat down to eat. As soon as I sat down,
FIL started in on me. He told me that I had no right to be
upset with my husband, that he did nothing wrong, and if I felt
the need to be mad, I should just be mad at him. My husband
told FIL that it was his fault, but we had already resolved the
problem. FIL then told my husband, "No, you did nothing
wrong. So just don't even worry about her." The
conversation escalated, but FIL got finished and left the table.
I told my husband that I was ready to go home, because I wasn't
feeling very well, and I was afraid that the argument would get
started again. My husband told MIL that we were ready to leave,
and she flew in the kitchen and jumped all over me. She repeated
what FIL had said about how the argument was not my husband's fault,
and so on. Then, she started in on me and my family.
She told me she knows how my parents are, and they run their mouth
and "pop off" all the time. Why my parents were
brought up, I don't know. She continued telling me all sorts
of things I had done wrong, and about all the times I have hurt
her feelings. She told me that I had hurt her so badly by
not letting her baby-sit my son while I was at work. I explained
to her that I understood she was hurt. I told her I was also
hurt, because I had wanted to stay home with him. She told
me, "Well, you were told that I was going to keep him.
But, you put him in daycare, even after I told you I didn't want
my grandson in a daycare." I explained to her that I
chose daycare because she had volunteered to baby-sit, but she had
also told me up front that, at least once a month, possibly more,
she would not keep him, and I would be responsible for finding someone
else. I told her that I did not have anyone else, so daycare
would work out better for me. Of course, we had already had
this conversation when she found out I was putting him in daycare.
And, at that point she told me, "Well, I will be keeping him
at least once a week, whenever I want." And, sure enough,
once or twice a week she would call me at work and say, I'm going
to keep him tomorrow. She told me that I was just trying to
keep her grandson from her, because I didn't like her (although
she saw him usually 2 or 3 times a week). Then, she continued
to tell me that the reason I couldn't stay home like she did was
because I couldn't afford it (like she could). She told me,
"Honey, you might as well face it. You'll work every
day for the rest of your life just to try to make it. You're
just like your mother. She always had to work."
I have taken and taken it from this woman, and never, until that
night, did I ever say anything back. But, we left that night,
7 months ago, and my son and I have not been back. She has
never tried calling, or anything. I am just so glad to be
away from the crazy woman.
Signed - Poof, Be Gone
RESPONSE: Poof, Be Gone
I read your story, and I just had to respond to it. I can
so understand how you must feel. I told my story (Thank God
My DH Knows His Mother), and it certainly feels good to let it out.
For 10 years, I put up with my MIL's insults and subtle remarks
that would either burn me up inside or hurt my feelings. I
would always be polite, and I rarely ever defended myself, out of
pure respect for my DH. That all has changed now. And,
for the past year-and-a-half, neither of us have had much contact
with my in-laws. We only live 10 minutes away. Doesn't
it make you feel sad for your child? I mean, I know, in our
case, it was the best thing for everyone, and I'm sure you feel
the same way. It just breaks my heart that my children don't
have grandparents. I don't let it show to them, though.
I'm sorry that you had to cut ties like that, but, sometimes, you
just have to, for "sanity's sake". Take care, and
know that you're not alone.
RESPONSE: Poof, Be Gone
She TOLD you where YOUR son would be a couple of times a week???
Excuuuuse ME? Oh, I would have been so tempted to pop her
in the mouth. As for your FIL telling your DH, "Don't
worry about her," thank GOD your DH takes up for you.
I would NEVER go back there, and my children would not either.
RESPONSE: Poof, Be Gone
You are an angel. I HATE your MIL, from reading your story.
I think no saint could have handled it better than you did.
You were incredibly patient with her. Anyone would have been
boiling mad. Congratulations. She sounds truly toxic.
I've written in before
about problems with birthdays. My problems are a little different
than some others. My in-laws DO remember my birthday, and
always show up expecting a party. I wish I could trade with
someone who feels hurt about her in-laws' neglect of her birthday!
I like a quiet birthday with no stress, and nobody but my DH and
me (and, I'm happy to see my mother, too - we're close). Well,
I have a success story! After some stressful, miserable parties
for the past five to seven years, we did it differently this year.
My DH told his parents that I'd be very busy on my birthday (I was,
too!). So, they didn't come over. I did have a nice
time with them a few days later (no formal party). I DO appreciate
the presents they gave me. They were thoughtful, not mean
or passive/aggressive at all. We also didn't host a party
for my DH's birthday this year. He's an only child, and his
mother is very emotional. She dotes on him, and calls him
pet names, etc. I don't mind her doing that - she's WELCOME
to - but I'm uncomfortable having to be a witness to it. So,
on his birthday, he just went over to their house briefly, and she
gave him some cupcakes and presents. When he got home later,
we had a wonderful evening together - just the two of us!
I can't speak for my MIL, but I think it might have been nice for
her, too. She got to have her only son to herself on his birthday,
without "the old ball and chain". And, I didn't
have to witness all those "private moments" between them.
And, my husband and I had a wonderful, peaceful evening. So,
I guess that's a success story, in a way.
Signed - Peace And Quiet
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