When I married my husband,
I had a daughter from a previous marriage. She was 12.
Now, she is 22 and living far away. My daughter, not once
in ten years, received a single birthday card or gift from my IL's
family, nor have they bothered to ever ask when her birthday was.
My divorced, nasty SIL has two girls. A few weeks ago, my
MIL took me aside to tell me to be sure to remind DH that his niece's
18th birthday is coming soon, and to send a "nice gift".
They all live about 5 hrs drive away. So, biting my tongue,
remembering how none of them EVER cared about my daughter all the
while she lived at home (she was always sweet and generous with
THEM), I went with my DH to buy the niece a gift: a lovely, delicate
necklace. Time went by, and we never got a thank you call
or note, or even an acknowledgment (our answering machine, however,
was filled with "reminders" on the days leading up to
the birthday), so, DH called his mother to ask if the gift, sent
by mail c/o them, had even been received. Yes, it had.
Only because of our call, the niece then called, days later, to
leave a quick "thank you" message. She spoke so
fast, it was obvious she'd been forced to call us. I told
my DH, who also picked up on this ungrateful, "I expect stuff
from you because I'm your niece" behavior, that I feel like
we just flushed $50 down the toilet, and, frankly, prefer not to
set precedents now, as the other girl will be 18 next year, then
they'll be 21, and so on. Am I wrong to feel that this sort
of "obligatory gift-giving" is hypocritical, and that
we have better things to do with our money? By the way, neither
of these "nieces" when we're visiting the IL's, ever have
a word to say to us. They excuse themselves from the table,
leave the room when we come over, yet are very affectionate and
chatty with my IL's, their grandparents. Ten years ago, DH
and I just shrugged it off to the fact that they were "young",
but now they're in heels, make-up, and dating, for crying out loud
- yet still act like primadonnas!
Signed - Don't Wanna
Set Gift-Giving Precedents With Ingrates
RESPONSE: Don't Wanna Set Gift-Giving
Precedents With Ingrates
I wouldn't buy any of them a book of matches!!! How dare they
treat your DD like that. And, then, your DH decided it's ok,
and you all give that ungrateful niece a gift!!! Your DH ought
to be ashamed, too. I would call your MIL on the carpet for
how they have treated your DD, and wouldn't give ANY of them gifts
ever again!
RESPONSE: Don't Wanna Set Gift-Giving Precedents With
Ingrates
I am with you. I HATE the obligatory gift-giving with hypocrites.
I used to enjoy Xmas, until I married into my husband's family and
got saddled with the gift-buying at Xmas. Sure, it's easy
to say it's his family, so let him do all the shopping! The
problem is that my husband is clueless when it comes to shopping.
He wouldn't have any idea as to what to buy people. And, the
worst part is that he would end up spending 3X as much money as
he should. He wouldn't take the time to shop wisely, and has
never had the time to shop. So, I got stuck with shopping
for the whole family for Xmas and birthday gifts. I hate myself
for turning into such a Scrooge when it comes to Xmas, but it is
all due to my husband's family. My husband appears to be doing
the best financially out of all his siblings, which we feel blessed
about. However, none of his 3 siblings are supportive and
proud of the fact that my husband has worked hard and has done well.
Instead, they are jealous, competitive, and expect A LOT in terms
of what we give them for gifts. We do well, but not that well
- and I am certain that they think we are doing far better than
we are financially. My attitude is, "Since when do we
have to give expensive things to them, especially when they were
not supportive of my husband marrying me due to my race??"
They were just never nice to me!! Now, the latest incident
that irks me - my husband's niece is turning 16 this month.
We bought 2 nice things for Xmas that totaled about $45. We
have YET to receive any acknowledgment or thank you for those gifts.
And, now, her sweet 16 birthday is coming up, and I am fuming, and
so resentful that we will be expected to send her something for
her birthday!! I went to the trouble of finding the right
gift, getting a gift box, wrapping it, getting a card, finding the
right shipping box, boxing up the gift, addressing it, going to
the post office and paying for it to be mailed (plus the cost of
the gift!!!), and this kid cannot even call, e-mail, or write us
a short thank-you?? My son's 7th birthday just passed, and
there was NOTHING from my husband's brother (the father of this
niece) for my son's birthday. My other child has a birthday
coming up soon, and I am wondering if they will also forget my other
child. It irks me that I didn't get an acknowledgment for
this girl's Xmas gift, and my kids were forgotten, and then I will
be expected to send a sweet 16 gift. I don't want to stoop
to their level, but how much can a person take? Needless to
say, the family is not close. The good thing is that my husband
supports me. The only problem is that he is very flip in his
attitude about gift-giving with his family. When I complain
about the trouble I go through, and about us not getting acknowledgments
for gifts, he says, "So stop sending them gifts!"
Well, that is easier said than done, because I am trying to be a
decent person, and don't want to stoop to my husband's family's
level. The only saving grace is that "16" is the
last birthday gift for this kid that I will buy, as we have set
a limit in my husband's family on age! Thank GOD!!!
This kid has always been lame about thank-yous. When they
are young, you can excuse that more. But, it can not be excused
when they are older and should know better. I feel badly for
you that you had to waste $50 on a gift for your husband's niece.
I hope your husband will put his foot down in the future.
His family has too many expectations, gift-wise, and they are big
hypocrites. I think the niece is old enough now that you can
stop giving gifts, but you will have to have your husband speak
up.
My MIL has never liked
me. Shortly after I met my husband, his father passed away.
With this event, my MIL problems started. One evening, I called
my husband (boyfriend at the time). When I asked for him, she held
the phone away from her ear and called to her son, "It's for
you ... it's the slut". I'm thinking, did I hear that
right? Later that evening, I asked my husband about the comment,
and he said, "My mother has issues with any woman I date, no
one is any good, in her opinion ... they are all sluts, etc."
I thought, hmmm, that's strange behavior, but didn't give it too
much thought. Another evening, another call ... this time
I was referred to as "the whore". She didn't care
that I could hear her, she wanted it that way. That nickname
seemed to stick. I was referred to as "the whore"
when she would speak of me to others. Anyway, we've been married
almost 12 years now. She doesn't refer to me that way anymore
(that I'm aware of), but, still, our relationship is strained.
Periodically, she will try to pit my husband against me, with accusations
of cheating (I thought I saw your wife the other day with a very
handsome man - they were awfully close), etc. My husband has put
her in her place, but she continues to do it occasionally.
My only consolation is that I won't take this personally, as she
does it to all three of her children's spouses. We are all
no good in her mind. Some of the other in-law kids are referred
to as "the @sshole" and "the pr!ck". She
once announced, at Christmas dinner, that she'd like to take a gun
and blow her son-in-law's brains out, simply because they had chosen
a winter vacation rather than Christmas dinner with her. He
wasn't in attendance, and neither was his wife. It was just
one more shocking comment from her. Why do we have to have
such a volatile relationship? I envy other women who tell
me how wonderful their MIL's are!
Signed - Scratching My
Head
RESPONSE: Scratching My Head
I give you credit for still marrying your husband after hearing
the names she called you! I hope your marriage is strong,
and that your husband supports you. Even if she treats the
other in-laws equally as bad, that does not excuse her behavior.
Does anyone have the guts to stand up to her and put her in her
place? Your MIL sounds HORRID! I have a heinous MIL
too, and, like you, I envy those who have great MILs. My MIL
thinks she is PERFECT, and I gag just looking at her wrinkly face!!
RESPONSE: Scratching My Head
AND your H still goes around her??? She threatened someone,
and you all still go around her? I wouldn't go see her anymore,
and wouldn't let her in my home, either. She is a nutball!
RESPONSE: Scratching My Head
I would tell your DH that you will not be having any more contact
with "the b!tch". Cut her off, plain and simple.
She is a nasty, cruel viper. You don't deserve to be treated
that way.
RESPONSE: Scratching My Head
Your relationship with her is "volatile" because she is
a volatile. And, quite frankly, she is a vile woman.
What a sick, trashy person. I'd keep her away, and stay away
from her.
RESPONSE: Scratching My Head
Whew! I am scratching my head wondering how this horrible
MIL has not been smacked in the mouth (or told off) because of the
way she talks. Does she do this right in front of the grandchildren
too? If she does, I feel you need to cut contact - now.
They don't need to hear grandmother talk like THAT. What a
potty mouth!! Come over to the boards. Talk it out some
more. Learn that this is not anything you have done.
Learn how to set and enforce boundaries, and get support every time
you need it. Many other DILs have "mean talkers"
for MILs, and I think you might find some valuable support.
RESPONSE: Scratching My Head
You're a better lady than I am! I don't know how you have
put up with this crazy stuff all these years and not turned bitter.
You are to be commended. You are not the reason the relationship
is so volatile, from what you said. The woman is an evil witch,
with a capital B, from the sound of it. Come over to the boards
if you need to talk more about her.
MIL accuses me of keeping
my kids away from hers! She once asked, in front of all her
little children, why I didn't like them? It was very hurtful
and upsetting to me, not to mention what it must do to her children!!!
MIL's problem is that they have a very unstructured household!
I have a set time for bed here, as my children have to get up early
for school. Something she could not understand, as she refuses
to let her children get an education! They sleep until noon,
or later, and party all night. I will not drag my children
out of bed at midnight when they call to invite us for a family
outing ... it's just insane!!! I also believe in giving my
children 3 meals a day ... something she can not possibly fathom!!!!
They have been on welfare all their lives, and she has a baker's
dozen to care for! If you can call what she does caring.
Most of her children have been in trouble with the law at some point
in time. Underage drinking, driving without a license, disorderly
conduct! These are just the underage ones. The older
ones are arrested, and dealing drugs across the state borders.
I guess, yes, I do have reasons to dislike them, but not innocent
little children like she would like her family to believe!
I am shocked that, no matter where she lives, no one seems to care
that her children are running loose wreaking havoc on the town,
and NOT being educated! I have also noted that, no matter
where she lives, there is always someone she fights with, and talks
badly about behind their backs. She will swear, to her dying
day, that she is a "good Christian", and would never "lie"
or "swear" - all things we have witnessed over the years,
as I'm sure have others too! I really despise her attitude
towards me and my children. She's the kind of witch that would
tell my children and I that we are not worthy of her "perfect
little family" because we don't go to church every week.
I suppose we could go to church, like she "claims to",
but how does that make her a better person? Especially when
she does so many wrong things, according to the bible? If
you all go to church all morning, and then come home and drink and
smoke pot (both no-no's in their religion) while cheating on your
wife and abusing your babies, does the going to church absolve you
somehow??? Is that what they think??? I think they are
MORONS! People like that don't deserve to even have children,
let alone raise them!!!!!!!
Signed - MIL Wants Kids
To Hate Me!
RESPONSE: MIL Wants Kids To Hate
Me!
Why don't you report to the authorities that the children are not
going to school? It is your obligation as an adult to do so!
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