This is for those who
have read Toxic
In-Laws, by Susan Forward. I got it because it kept
being mentioned here, and I want to ask your opinions. Have
you read the part about "the injustice collector"?
That's someone who takes offense at everything you do, even if you
don't mean any harm at all. Well, to my horror, instead of
seeing my MIL as an injustice collector, I seem to be one myself.
She can hardly breathe without my taking offense. It's like
I am just waiting for the next thing she does to offend me.
My husband is an only child, and I've had some legitimate issues
with her being intrusive and nosy. But, she is not totally
whacko. My POINT is: Has anyone else ever dealt with
the problem of being an "injustice collector" and overcome
it? I get confused because I don't know when my instincts
are true (that she is truly acting unfairly and intrusively), or
when I may just be overreacting. I'd be glad to hear from
anyone who has dealt with this. Have any of you been through
this, and made progress overcoming it? As the book describes,
I'm really sweet to her to her face, but full of complaints about
her to my DH, my own mother, and one more "confidante"
- a discreet friend - behind her back (and I do avoid her).
Signed - Can One Get
Over Being "An Injustice Collector"?
RESPONSE: Can One Get Over Being "An Injustice
Collector"?
I didn't read it YET. However, I am getting the book.
Without even seeing that portion of the book, I would be willing
to bet that I am an "injustice collector" too. I
take offense at just about everything my MIL says too, mostly because
there is such a wall between the two of us that I feel like it could
NEVER come down. I believe that because we cannot talk to
our in-laws about things, it festers in us. Maybe it is our
personality type. Deep down inside we really want peace, and
we'd like to get along with our MILs, but it will probably never
happen. So, as a result, our "pent up" frustrations
turn into us just waiting for the next insult or aggravation.
And, in turn, we take offense to EVERYTHING. Who knows.
I am no psychologist. I just want you to know that you aren't
alone. I couldn't have written my feelings better than you
did in your posting. It is just a tough situation to deal
with. If you cannot talk to someone about how much they aggravate
you, where else can you turn? You are "left" with
getting your feelings out to your DH, or to others. Or, eventually,
you just "get over it" and take the MIL with a grain of
salt. I have a lot of growing up to do before I can get to
that point. LOL.
RESPONSE: Can One Get Over Being "An Injustice
Collector"?
Many of us ask ourselves constantly if we are imagining a slight,
if we are wrong in our memory, or if we are misjudging MIL's intent.
It is what keeps us on edge so badly that we begin to doubt our
own sanity. My counselor told me that it is like living in
a war zone. And, after a while, you are just living your life
preparing for the next attack. The adrenaline kicks in whenever
the "enemy" is around, which is our "fight or flight"
mechanism, because being "blindsided" is so much worse
than being prepared. The result is that we are ready for combat
all the time. Our nerves are stretched to breaking, and all
parts of our lives suffer. You are human - you are reacting
to "attacks". The decent side of you can say, "Maybe
I am wrong." Repeat that to yourself - that means you
are a nice person. Please come over to the boards. You
will meet other people who will out and out ask, "Am I making
too much of the latest thing MIL did or said?" We try
to be kind as we give you honest answers, tips, sympathy, and support.
RESPONSE: Can One Get Over Being "An Injustice
Collector"?
Yes, I do feel that it is the same for me. I keep taking offense.
In fact, I wait for her to do something so that I can hold on to
it to keep myself from liking her. Well, I do not have to
wait very long. Only one out of 10 times are her remarks innocent.
That one time, I feel that maybe she did not mean something by it.
I have thought about it, and I felt that I needed to change myself
and stop thinking about her in a bad way (then, maybe I could see
the good in her). But, believe me, the very same day, she
will do something that will piss me off. This one would be
a genuine offense taking issue. I finally realized that if
I let my guard down, then I end up getting hurt (as she would do
something, and later on I would realize that she meant to hurt me).
I have stopped trying to look at her as a friend. I will take
offense and let everyone know that I have felt badly, because if
I don't, then I am the one who ends up getting hurt. I would
rather collect bad feelings about her, than to let her hurt me.
Even if I know that she did not mean to hurt me (this is my feeling,
only maybe she really did want to hurt me), I take offense because
she does the same with me (i.e., makes issues out of nothing).
This way, she gets to taste what kind of cooking she does.
Well, I will stop the day she stops. That's my story.
Worst gift: The first
Christmas gift that my MIL ever gave me was a set of cocktail napkins
with the "anti" sign with the word "whining"
inside of it. Get it???? "No Whining".
What was she trying to say? It was weird, too, because I had
barely known her. And, I thought she sounded nice on the phone
the VERY FEW times that I had spoken with her. Thankfully,
she lives 3 states away!!!
Signed - Married to Brad
Pitt, But In-laws with Lizzie Borden
RESPONSE: Married to Brad Pitt, But In-laws with Lizzie
Borden
Well, at the next opportunity you have for a family dinner where
MIL would be present (be it a holiday dinner, or otherwise, since
you live 3 states away), I'd be sure to save those napkins, and
put them out at everyone's place setting at the table. When
the questions start flying as to what the "anti and whining"
statements were supposed to mean, I'd cordially mention that they
were a gift from MIL that you couldn't bare to go to waste, and
you were wondering what they meant, too. Let her explain then.
LOL.
RESPONSE: Married to Brad Pitt, But In-laws with Lizzie
Borden
Wow, that is one awful gift, no matter how you look at it.
It's either really ditsy and inconsiderate, or she's giving some
passive-aggressive message. I guess the absolute best spin
you could put on it is that she didn't give it any thought at all,
but thought you'd think it was funny. But Jeez!
H E L P !!! My
DH and I have been together for 12 years (married for 8 of them).
I have been badmouthed, badgered, and ruled by MIL for all those
years. MIL lives overseas, but she exerts her force and will
upon us as if she was living in our home. We have a wonderful,
loving marriage, and rarely, if ever, argue (except when his mother
gets involved). DH has had two previous marriages. BIL
and SIL have told me that MIL played a major role in the breakup
of those marriages. MIL, from the beginning, has threatened
to "take away" DH's son because of the type of person
I am (which everyone tells me is generous, tolerant and kind).
Eight years ago, DH asked her not to talk to me in that manner,
and not to threaten me. MIL threatened that she would say
stuff about him that would have "tongues wagging and heads
turning". Since that time, DH has NEVER once defended
me when she has attacked. We now have three additional children,
although we had originally planned on having four to five.
MIL told DH that four children was enough, and now he won't even
discuss having another child. I feel that her having the final
decision on our reproductive lives is way out of line. I have
MIL for two visits a year, for about 3 to 6 weeks each visit.
I have gone out of my way to keep peace by being pleasant, doing
whatever she wants, and chauffeuring her around from place to place.
We have been having her for a holiday dinner that DH and I host
for approximately 50 family members. Everyone was given a
time for the dinner, but MIL called her side of the family and invited
them to arrive an hour earlier than my family was to arrive.
When the ILs arrived, MIL followed me around while I was still preparing
the meal, and demanded to eat "now". She stated
that she wanted to teach my family a lesson (what lesson - besides
how to be rude - she was going to teach them is beyond me).
When I took my husband aside and asked him to occupy her for a little
bit, he yelled at me. He said I had a bad attitude, and left
me crying in the laundry room. When our DS went to visit with
her for 3 weeks, he came home and would not talk about his trip.
Finally, he broke down, all upset. DS told DH and me that
MIL told him that she wanted DS to get DH to leave me and move back
with her. She told DS that I spent DH's money shopping all
day; that DH had to get up before work to feed and dress our kids
because I wouldn't; that I was a bad person, and that she, MIL,
needed to raise our kids, not me - this was among other things.
She also forced DS to eat things he does not eat, to the point where
he gagged and threw up. When DH heard this from DS's own lips,
and DS's request to never be sent for a visit to her again, DH yelled
and screamed at DS and me! When we visit her, DH is not allowed
to spend any time with me and the kids. If he does, MIL becomes
abusive and curses my family. She even calls wherever we are
going, and begs him to return home. She claims that I "won't
share" DH with her. On our last visit (a duration of
3 weeks), he was with the kids and me for 3 days! When purchasing
a new home, DH and I had made decisions on what to do in our home.
But MIL came over to visit, and without my consent or knowledge,
DH changed our plans in order to do what MIL wanted done in the
house. On her last visit, MIL invited people to our house
for dinner one evening without telling me. Meanwhile, she
requested to be brought shopping and did not tell me that her "guests"
were arriving until we were about five minutes from home!
DH saw nothing wrong with that. When she does come to visit,
she always brings a beautiful present for the house, but she hands
it to DH and makes a point that it is for him, not us. None
of DH's family attended my bridal shower or sent any presents, which
is fine with me, but MIL claims that she gave us the crystal glasses
that I received for my shower from my mother. Not for nothing,
but they are Waterford Crystal glasses that cost over $50 each,
and it upsets me to hear her claiming they are from her! What
does DH say to that? He says, "Well, didn't she bring
some of them to us?", when he knows she did not! There
was no interference from MIL about our wedding because MIL and FIL
refused to attend, stating that "they would come for DH's next
wedding"!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!! DH never sends her
a card or gift, but he expects me to. Finding a company that
ships what she wants overseas is not easy, but I do it. God
forbid it arrives later than she thinks it should - I get in trouble!
Recently she was hospitalized for a cyst that was removed.
She had someone call and tell me that I needed to get DH to call
her right away, because the news was not good and she was having
a priest say mass for her. It turns out that she was fine,
but DH and BIL dropped work and family to rush overseas to her side.
She even managed to get BIL, who was not speaking to her, to her
side. For the past two months, our 4 year old DS was very
sick and in the hospital for a few weeks. MIL wanted to come
over to "take care of him" because, apparently, a mother
like me doesn't know how (nor do the US doctors either)! DH
and I are supposed to be going over for a family wedding in one
week. I received a phone call from MIL asking for our flight
numbers. I told her, but then I thought it strange that she
had to call me at 6:45 am to find out. When I said the flight
number and then asked "why?", she got all excited and
told me she purchased a dog for the 4 year old and was having it
shipped back on our return flight! Hello? Did anyone
ask me, the one who will be responsible for the care of this dog?
NO. When I called DH in a panic, he hung up on me three times,
ending the last conversation with "Shut-up B!tch!"
We have not spoken since. I feel that a dog is a big commitment
for the next 14-16 years, and that the decision should be one between
DH and me, and no one else. I also went online and check out
the breed, and the web sites all say that the breed is not good
with young children, that they are very high strung, and that they
are destructive! I have lived through so much turmoil caused
by this woman. I have four children (three under 6 years old),
and I attend college full-time. Yet MIL wants to know why
I can't work as well. She cries that her poor son has to get
up and go to work every day! This, coming from a woman who
did not raise as many children as I am, and who never held a job
outside her home in her life. I am at my wits end with this
woman, and the way DH puts her above all others. I mean, even
other ILs say that she treats me terribly, and they have told DH
that. And, all DH tells them is, "I know."
Do you have any advice other than divorce or arsenic?
Signed - Fed Up Being
Insignificant Other
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Why are you still putting up with cr@p like that? If he refuses
to support you in any decision or response to what that he!!hound
MIL says, he should be forced to do for himself. I understand
the difficulty in raising 3 kids while attending school with no
job, but you should be looking for ways out. Don't stay there
just to prove her wrong. The two previous wives were smart
enough to bail. You might want to consider DH's track record
a little more carefully.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
A suggestion other than divorce or arsenic? No. I think
divorce is exactly what is warranted here. I don't understand
why you would *want* to stay married to a man who treats you so
badly, and does not consider your feelings at all. Surely,
raising your son alone couldn't be worse than this! I'd move
out. Get a roommate - perhaps another single mother, if you
need to, in order to help pay the rent. And, tell your husband
that if he wants to avert a divorce, he's got 6 months to start
putting you first. Then, stick to your guns.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Don't even bother to go and visit this woman. Let him go without
you. You married a real momma's boy that just won't put his
wife first. Do you really want your DS to be this way too?
In the four years you were going together, didn't this go on then?
Getting married only made the problem worse. It's very rude
to give a family a dog, especially one from overseas. That
is just dysfunctional. She treats you like a dog, and now
she is giving you one. I wish you would have taken the stories
you heard about why your DH's other marriages ended more seriously.
People live in patterns. If he really loves you, he will stand
by your side. He never did with the other two, why should
you be any different? Don't visit or talk to her anymore.
Just stop talking to her. Let DH do the talking. Ignore
her.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Pack up and get those kids out of that situation! If you want
to continue to be abused, fine. But, for the sake of the kids,
do not let them grow up thinking that your husband's behavior is
acceptable. Did you know that 90% of kids who grew up with
an abusive father blame the mother for not doing something?
How do you like that legacy? Not to try to kick you when you're
down, but you need to get motivated and hightail it out of that
marriage. There is a reason he was divorced twice already.
Take heed. Those women figured out that he is a destructive
man. You are worth A LOT MORE!!!! You deserve a decent
life. A life alone would be better than the subservient role
you've been subjected to. Your opinions are valid. You
are an equal partner in marriage. You need to divorce him.
Cancel the kid's passports FIRST!!!
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I'm sorry to say this, and I really don't mean to be offensive,
but your marriage does not really seem that happy and loving as
you said it was at the beginning of your post. It's one thing
if your DH doesn't stand up for you, but it's another if he yells
at you and your son when you're obviously hurt, or if he abuses
you verbally by calling you names! I think you should really
get some help. Turn to someone, a counselor, or someone like
that, who may be able to help you to cope with this situation.
I don't think, from what you wrote, that it is a good idea to ask
your DH to go to a counselor with him, or even to tell him that
you're getting help at all. I don't think he would understand
you. I think you should really take care of yourself.
This situation is not good for you and your children. I think
it is not primarily your MIL that is disturbing, but your DH's behavior
towards you. I think this problem should be solved first,
and then you can start dealing with MIL, TOGETHER with DH.
The way you described it, your situation has a long way to go.
But, since you seem to love your DH very much, and, as you say,
he loves you too, it is worth fighting for! I can only tell
you to get some help! PLEASE! Take care!
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I don't even believe in divorce, but your DH (unless I don't understand
the whole picture) sounds psychologically abusive (maybe just out
of immaturity), but his saying, "Shut up, b!tch," to you,
is grounds for divorce, in my opinion. Wow, do I hate your
MIL! She's from he!!
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Hey, be strong there, you hear? Be strong. I'm a male
reader. Here is my advice: Kick your sorry excuse for
a husband out. After the way he treats you, he deserves NOTHING.
Keep your MIL out of your life! Hang up on her. He!!,
if she visits, deny her admission to your house, and deny her access
to your kids, etc. What broke me is the fact that she visits
you for 3 to 6 weeks at a time, twice a year? What have you
done to deserve he!! on earth? NOTHING. PUT HER OUT
OF YOUR LIFE, AND KEEP HER THERE!
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I am in a similar situation, and I am trying my best to avoid divorce.
And, MIL can only dream that I would consider arsenic. The
one thing I would say, in your case, is to thank her for "not
allowing you to produce more kids" with this spineless man.
Your three kids are a blessing, don't get me wrong. My MIL
did not want me to have any, and was shocked when I had the second
one. I am glad I have them, and I am glad they have each other.
But, having said that, I can't wait for the day the baby starts
kindergarten, because that will be the day I can put my education
to full use without having to hand over most of my paycheck to a
day-care. Meanwhile, with each passing day, I set more boundaries,
and invest more in myself in terms of education/skills. And,
make it very clear to DH that divorce is very much in the air.
He does not need to know when I may actually feel comfortable divorcing
him, and he does not need to know. Your DH sounds pathetic.
And, if he is anything like my husband, you will always be the insignificant
other to him. Such spineless boys never become men.
Play along till you are strong enough to deal with divorce.
See a therapist so that you become stronger. Once you are
strong enough to deal with the consequences of issuing an ultimatum,
tell him that his mother is out of your life for good, and does
not exist as far as you are concerned. He needs to move out
and get serious counseling to learn how to treat a wife. And,
then, he can move back in - only after he has started showing significant
improvement. If he is a true blue mommy's boy, he will most
likely divorce you - just like he got divorced before. If
he has any sense, he will try really hard to shape up. Nothing
will change till you take some action. You will have to decide
how to prepare yourself for that. I suggest therapy for you.
Stash away a little bit of money for a rainy day. Acquire
knowledge about legal help in case of a divorce, even if you are
not considering it right now. Get the numbers and information
about local women's shelters just in case you ever need one.
Brush up on instantly marketable skills - like good computer knowledge,
that can get you an entry level job for basic survival. Even
when you are playing along, remind yourself that he is a worthless
piece of sh!t, who is not even a real man. He cannot control
you, as he does not even have his own self in his own control.
Such a man's opinion does not count. Stay strong. Once
you are strong enough to deal with his threats, you will be amazed
how he won't dare to call you a b!tch anymore. He will just
get up and run to mommy. He is doing this because he thinks
you won't do anything. God won't save him the day you do something.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Counseling - and run, don't walk. Why did you marry DH in
the first place? Any man who would call his wife b!tch in
anger does not love or respect his wife. Is he physically
abusing you as well? There is also the possibility that DH
does not want to admit that his mom is awful. Still, if I
were you, I'd start not doing things for MIL. And, if she
does, or she gives you something you don't like, thank her, and
change the subject. Things may get worse, but at least you'll
feel better about yourself. Also, in a calm tone, I'd let
DH know about your concerns. And, I would not get emotional
or judgmental towards anyone during this conversation. I would
then ask your DH for advice on how to make the situation better,
and how he plans to be supportive of you and your family.
Tell him that you two are married, and you need to present a united
front to everyone, including his parents. If he is unwilling
to do that, you may have to consider leaving him. Be prepared
to drop out of school and get a job, because it does not sound like
DH is going to support you post-divorce. By the way, I'd get
a good divorce lawyer right now. You may need it. You
can always fire the lawyer if you stay. Keep in mind that
if you stay and things don't improve, you are setting a bad example
for your son.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Um, I really think you should think about leaving your husband or
getting some counseling. Your husband called you a b!tch??!!!
Kick him and his dysfunctional family to the curb.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Tell your DH to get a spine. DH must support his wife first,
or there is no marriage. And I am a DH myself. I have
learned from experience that you must put your own family first,
and your parents second (although a close second). I don't
always take DW's side, but 90% of the time I do. If he does
not support you, throw his @ss out of the house!!!
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
You know, many of us here seem to have the problem that our MILs
get away with all this nasty behavior in many ways, because our
husbands have some strange fear of standing up to their mothers.
In your case, I think you must be dealing with much more than the
garden-variety MIL pet-peeves. Your MIL's behavior is clearly
abusive, not only to you, but to your DS. I dealt with this
(not as dire a situation as yours) as a young bride, and it took
YEARS to sort out what to do. My first advice, when dealing
with a husband who doesn't want to deal, is what I call "putting
in their face". It's a mirroring technique. Example:
"Why are you afraid of your mother?" OR, "Do you
feel good about the way your mother behaves." Formulate
a question of this kind, and ask it CALMLY (arguments lead to circular
shouting matches where nothing is resolved - husbands who are afraid
of their mommies, and MILs themselves, like to get into useless
back and forth arguments, because that way they don't have to face
anything uncomfortable). Always wait for a response to your
question. Watch the squirming. Give it all back to them
with a question that makes them face themselves. Make them
answer you. Nobody likes feeling that uncomfortable, and the
way they find to avoid it is to change the behavior that invites
your question. I use this technique all the time, in all kinds
of situations. Whenever someone treats me badly, or hurts
me, I just look calmly into their faces and ask, "What are
you doing?" OR, "Why are you acting this way?"
Anyway, sounds like your MIL is a real crackpot. I hope you
find something that works. No one should be forced to take
that kind of abuse. The one to crack is your husband, not
your MIL. She's beyond hope. Good Luck
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I have a difficult life with a H who acts like he doesn't see his
faaaaamily treat me badly. We have been close to divorce because
of it. BUT, YOUR H is an abusive, disgusting person.
DO NOT go overseas to visit this witch. Let H go ALONE.
I would then take steps to get him the HE!! out of the house.
Bottom line: HE should either tow the line, or I would divorce
him, if I were you. You CAN do it on your own! Just
make sure you protect yourself legally. A grown man shouts
SHUT UP B!TCH! to the mother of his own kids! My H called
me a b!tch, and I told him to quit calling me his mother's nickname!
I don't put up with that. GET TOUGH! YOU CAN DO IT.
AND LEAVE THIS so-called "man". Your future and
your mental health, as well as that of your son's, depends on it.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Go to counseling! Remember, it's not just you and your husband
- your children are involved as well. Your MIL is in the wrong,
especially about the dog. He!!, if you have to, sell the dog,
or take it to a shelter. Tell MIL that it was vicious towards
the children. No one can argue with that. If DH refuses
to go to counseling, tell him that you will be staying at your mother's
house (or whatever you see as a good threat) until he agrees to
go. No one should be opposed to going to counseling if their
partner asks.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I was just appalled reading your story. You need to get your
husband to a marriage counselor NOW. I just cannot believe
the stories you told about this woman! That you still allow
her in your house is amazing to me! Abusive is not a word
I throw around lightly, but I feel both your MIL and husband are
treating you that way. And, please, for your children's sake,
don't ever send ANY of your children for a visit with your MIL again!
I'm worried about you. You have a long, difficult, and possibly
futile struggle ahead of you. If your husband's previous failed
marriages, and his mother's role in them, didn't teach him anything,
I don't know what will. I don't mean to sound discouraging,
but you must be prepared to encounter a LOT of resistance to change
from him. His mother is firmly in control, and he is used
to accommodating her. He is used to YOU accommodating her,
no matter how unreasonable, abusive, and rude she is. If your
husband won't go to counseling, you go alone. You may have
to decide, at some point, that you have to tell your husband that
it's either her or you. OR, you may have to decide to live
with things the way that they are. I wish you the best of
luck. Please, let us know what happens.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I'm sorry to say this, but your DH is as abusive as his mother by
talking to you that way. He is also abusive for letting her
treat you like that. You need to put your foot down, and stop
letting them treat you that way. Please get help. No
one deserves to be treated this way, and it certainly isn't good
for your children. Take a stand TODAY! Best of luck
to you.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Your MIL is really out of control. I can hardly believe you've
put up with her behavior for as long as you have. What's more
disgusting than her behavior, is your husband's! He, obviously,
has no respect for you - calling you a b!tch after MIL intruded
so unfairly?! That is totally reprehensible, and you deserve
to be treated much better. I know that you don't want to hear
this, but maybe you SHOULD consider divorce. Just think of
the behavior he's teaching your own sons. Do you want them
to treat their future wives as poorly as your husband's treating
you. I wish you much luck. Stay strong!
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
If you don't want to put up with this for the rest of your life,
you either need to get DH in therapy with you, or you must leave.
Maybe that seems like letting her win, but if DH is such an @sshole,
things will never change. It isn't healthy for your kids to
see him treating you so poorly. He doesn't respect you at
all. If my husband said, "Shut up, b!tch," I would
have his stuff packed and waiting on the lawn when he got home.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I feel very sorry for your situation, but you need to read back
over your own story, and look at it from another perspective.
If a good friend of yours told you this as a story about her life,
surely you could see that the biggest problem is your DH.
Your MIL can only hurt you and your children's lives because of
the power your DH gives her. He needs to do some serious growing
up/counseling sessions. He treats you with complete disrespect.
And, from the sound of your story, you are a very nice, but non-confrontational
person. Stop letting him walk all over you. But, most
importantly, your children, they will never forgive you for letting
him treat you and them the way he does. They may also see
his behavior as normal, and continue the trend with their future
spouses. I think you already know, deep down, that your DH
is a bigger problem than your MIL. He called you a "stupid
b!tch"??? If you leave your MIL out of the picture altogether,
it still does not sound like a healthy relationship. My advice
to you is to try to get your DH to go to counseling with you as
soon as possible. I do not wish to sound judgmental, but your
story breaks my heart, as you sound very much alone in all this.
I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you will find the strength
you need.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Advice other than divorce or arsenic? OKaaaayyyyyy - how about
you stand up to that b@stard of a husband? Your DH is the biggest
problem you have, IMHO. HOW in the world could you call him
back so many times to let him hang up on you and call you names???
It is so indicative of how you are letting him abuse you, and you
keep running back for more. My DH hung up on me 1 time.
I called him back and quietly, but firmly said, "That better
have been an accident." It wasn't an accident, and he
apologized profusely (at the time of the incident, and then later
at home), and has never done it again in the 10 years since.
You don't want a divorce? I'm not sure why (I'm sorry, but
I didn't hear any redeeming qualities about the man, except that
you love him). But, if you are serious, then I would get tough
as nails - NOW! He will NEVER talk to you that way again.
He WILL treat you with the respect you deserve as a human being.
He will stand WITH, and IN FRONT of his family (you and the kids)
against that gnome of a mother, or he can go live with her full
time!! OOPS! That's divorce. See, the problem
is that if you don't throw the fear of divorce into him, he probably
isn't going to change. Well, maybe you could make him scared
you'll use that arsenic. But, my point is that you can ask,
hope, pray,and wait. He is NOT going to treat you better,
no matter how long you use those methods. He hasn't yet.
In fact, it sounds like he has gotten worse. He isn't going
to learn by example - he has had you to watch and to teach him kindness,
patience, and forgiveness - and none has rubbed off on him, from
the sound of it. He is NOT going to learn to treat you better
until he has no choice. Think of it this way: Say that
your child wants ice cream. He never said, "Please."
You nicely explain why he can't have it (it is close to dinner time,
and he didn't ask very nicely). Your child doesn't care -
he stomps his foot and demands ice cream. You say, "Please
don't be angry. It is almost dinner, and you need to save
room. And that's not how you ask, yada, yada, yada."
It doesn't work, and he screams at you and says, "I said I
want ice cream NOW, b!tch!!" Now, are you going to give
it to him to keep him from treating you that way anymore?
Or, are you going to keep using the method you have used to no avail?
Or are you going to stand up straight and tall and firmly say something
like, "You do NOT ask me for ice cream that way. You
say 'PLEASE'. When I say, 'No', I mean 'No'. And you
will NOT scream at me or call me names! Now, you are getting
a time out to think about it!" Does that make sense?
You explain EXACTLY what is acceptable and not acceptable if the
child does not understand. Your DH had a heck of a teacher
with that mother. BUT, he is an adult, and he can no longer
hide behind mommy's skirts. He has blown two marriages (yes,
HE blew them apart - not mommy dearest - she was just the weapon
he used). And, in your place, I would tell him that, unless
he is ready for divorce #3, he had best straighten out his attitude,
priorities, and behavior - RIGHT NOW (or he can go live with mommy
dearest)!! In fact, I would have him go to that wedding alone
to give him some time to think about it. I would tell him
that he had better come home as a husband, not his mommy's devil
spawn, or he shouldn't come back at all. And, that means that
he also should not bring that dog home, in case he wondered.
AND, he should agree to go to counseling when he gets back.
OK, no divorce threats. Well, then I would say, "I am
1/2 this marriage, and you are taking back my half, including my
rights!" Cut off all your contact with Satan's sister.
Do not talk to her on the phone. Do not invite her to your
house - no way, no how. If DH wants to see her, he can go
to her - alone. You are not subjecting yourself and your children
to her and his abuse (and I feel he is abusing those kids with the
way he is acting). When he is home, you expect him to be nice,
pleasant, considerate, kind, and 1/2 your union. When he is
with Satan's sister, he can be whatever he wants. You are
no longer having anything to do with her - she is not ending your
marriage like his last two. That means DH talks with her,
deals with her, buys her gifts, everything - no discussion.
He will go to the wedding alone, and think about whether he wants
this marriage to work. And, if the answer is yes, he is to
go to counseling with you. Yeah, it might work without threat
of divorce. If you can, be tough enough to make him see that
he HAS to change. Why not come over to the boards and talk
about it some more? I'm exhausted even thinking about it.
I can't imagine how you feel!
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
Loving marriage? I don't think so. Your DH is a sadistic
coward, as his response to your phone call concerning the dog illustrated.
DO NOT attend the family wedding. This will show MIL that
she does not control your lives, and that she can take care of the
dog. If the relatives know about your MIL, they'll understand
your nonattendance. If they do not, then they agree with MIL
and can kiss your @Ss Get DH into counseling NOW. If
DH protests, tell him that when he returns from the wedding, you
and your kids will not be there. This will teach MIL and DH
a "lesson". She never attended your wedding, and
never treated anyone in your family (including DH) with respect,
so you owe her nothing (except a swift slap across the face!).
DS's visit should have been the moment to cut all ties to her.
DH yelling at you and DS should have been the moment to get him
into counseling (or send him home to mommy). You have been
too nice to her for too long, madam. The time has come for
you to go on the offensive with this wench. If you must attend
the wedding, use it as the opportunity for your first strike.
Hit her where it hurts - on her own turf; in front of all the in-laws
who know what a waste of flesh she is. When she goes psycho
(and she will), tell her firmly, but calmly, that the local authorities
can deal with her. Sorry that this is long, but I've seen
situations similar to this. Only when the offending person
is put in his/her place, does the insanity stop.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I was very upset after reading your post. You need support.
I felt mad at you husband for treating you like that. Also,
I understand that you want a solution other than divorce.
I am from a culture where divorce is something that we cannot consider.
I don't know how to help you. My MIL also lives overseas and
makes my life difficult, and I cannot imagine what it will be like
when she lives with us in the future. I wonder how DH will
respond once she is here. Well, I definitely would fight back,
that is sure. Sorry I could not help you, as I might need
help myself in few months.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
I read your story, and it sickens me that a husband would treat
his wife the way your husband is treating you. I don't see
how you could put up with this treatment as long as you have.
Ok, he has been married twice. BIL and SIL said that MIL was
part or all of the cause. It seems to me that it is as much
his fault as it is his mother's. He may love his mother (although
I don't see why), but that doesn't make it right to treat you like
dirt. A husband and wife are supposed to be a team, at least
I thought they were. My FH and I are getting married this
May. He and I have been through a lot of turmoil the 4 years
that we have been together. My side of the family has caused
most of the problems. I love my mom and my dad very much,
but they tend to be very nosey, and they listen to the lies my sister
and BIL tell them about my FH. I know the truth, and I have
stood by my FH through it all. Your husband needs to do the
same with you. I don't understand how you can say that you
have a wonderful, loving marriage, and that you rarely, if ever,
argue. It sounds to me as if this situation will get out of
control unless your husband starts standing up to her. But,
it sounds as though this will not happen, since this has been going
on for 8+ years. I don't know what to suggest to you.
Personally, if my FH told me, "shut-up b!tch!," especially
with everything else that had been going, I would know right then
that the love was gone. I don't care how angry you are, you
don't say that to someone you love, and then keep acting "that
way". I'm sure everyone else would suggest counseling
or divorce, but I'm afraid that since this has been going on this
long, it might be a lost cause. Separation might be a temporary
answer. At least you would know if he makes an effort to get
you back. If not, I am afraid it is a lost cause. Good
luck to you and your children. And, I hope that you find happiness
whatever you decide.
RESPONSE: Fed Up Being Insignificant Other
You mentioned her threat to say something about your DH that he
must be ashamed of (because he stopped defending you from that day
on). Until you can get that issue out in the open, DH will
never change. My gut feeling is that your MIL has him by the
testicles for some reason. It sounds like blackmail to me.
I really like this site.
It is my sunshine on a rainy day. I cannot believe some of
the hurtful things some of the MIL's are doing to the DIL's.
My FMIL is not the nicest person, but she isn't evil. She
is just a flake. DF and I have recently moved back to the
area to try to find work, though not many companies are hiring outdoor
workers in the winter. When we both decide to go away to college
(not far enough in my opinion), she called me and told me that I
was taking her son away from their family. This woman goes
on vacations EVERY month to other states by herself. And,
she has continued to do so, even when the power and water had been
cut of to their house. And, I am the one doing something bad
to the family? Her money is hers, FIL has to pay all the bills
for a family of 6. When she came to visit, while we were at
college, she woke us up at midnight moaning about how she was having
a heart attack, and told us to call 911. So, we did.
This is a small town with a small hospital. The whole time
she was there, she was complaining about how she was not getting
the proper treatment she deserved - the heart attack had been forgotten.
Keep in mind that a life flight was on the way in with a head trauma.
The "heart attack" was a potassium deficiency that she
knew she had, but she didn't want to take her medication that day.
ARG!!! This continues to go on all the time. Every year,
she tells her children that it is going to be a small Xmas because
she is short on $. Not short enough for her not to go on vacations
EVERY month and to Mexico. Not too short for her to buy a
new car, a new computer, or a new stereo. She bought all her
children 3 to 4 medium presents. She bought all her daughter's
friends one. I got just one, too. One vanilla candle
was it, OK, fine. I am allergic to imitation vanilla!!!!
It smelled terrible. DF and I are getting married early this
fall. We are very excited! My parents are going out
of their way to help us, due to our lack of funds. While MIL
paid for SIL's entire wedding, she is not sure if she can help us
or not. OK, I understand. All those vacations must be
pricey. But, she wants to put her nose into everything.
We invited all the people she wanted, but we are having it at our
church. What she and SIL can't figure out is why won't we
have SIL's son or SIL in the wedding. Well, we simply don't
want to play favorites with the children, so none will be in the
wedding. I dislike SIL very much, so I did not ask her to
be a bridesmaid. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding only because
she felt guilty that I was dating her brother. She said, "So,
I guess you have to be in it." BIL and other SIL are
in the wedding. Evil SIL says she is going to tattle to MIL
if she is not in the wedding. So, one of the 2 people I dislike
the most is now doing a reading at my wedding. As soon as
I am married, I am going to stand up against her, yes! MIL
keeps telling us to do all of this expensive stuff, but she won't
help pay. Evil SIL and MIL will NOT drive anywhere.
They will only fly. So, any money she will give us will be
minus all travel and lodging expenses. So, after all this,
I wonder is she a flake, or a really good faker?
Signed - Flake Or Fake?
RESPONSE: Flake Or Fake?
Why in the world are you going to stand up against her once you're
married? Do it now, and see if DF has any say so in setting
it straight. You don't become first once you are married.
This should be the real test for you to see if you want this void
of toxic people in your life. You still have a chance to really
think about it. Do you want this kind of life? And,
if you said no, you are overlooking the problem. Don't sweep
it under the carpet, and then explode once you are married.
That will only cause you to fight more. Tell him what you
can and cannot cope with, and see if he agrees with you and does
anything about it. It is all up to him. Do you want
a husband who sticks up for momma, and calls you the B? It
hurts you and your marriage. Keep your eyes open, and look
into the future with this problem. It doesn't go away.
Don't go by, "Well, I am going to be with him, not her."
She will be in the background taking over. You will end up
hating them, because DH is on their side. See what kind of
a man (and husband) he will really be. Marriage doesn't work
on love alone. If it did, everyone would stay together.
Good luck. And, think about your life, and how happy you want
to be. Try a pre-marriage class.
RESPONSE: Flake Or Fake?
Your SIL is EVIL!! Do not have her in YOUR wedding.
And, if the MIL and SIL don't like it, well, you know what they
can do!!! Put on the brakes and boundaries NOW, before you
marry!!
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