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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
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March
7, 2002
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FEBRUARY
2002
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Worst gift: The very
first time I got my husband - then boyfriend - to think about how
manipulative his mother was, was back when we were dating.
We had met at a neo-Pagan organization. He had recently been
home to see his mother, and had said that she was beginning to catch
on to the fact that he was no longer a Presbyterian. He said
she'd told him, "I guess I could stand it if I found out you
weren't a Presbyterian anymore, but if I thought you weren't a Christian
anymore, I just couldn't handle it." He was definitely
*not* a Christian anymore, and he was taking this very seriously.
I snorted and said, "Now *there's* a fine, vague threat.
What exactly does 'couldn't handle it' mean? She'll kill herself?
Kill you? Write you out of the will? Cry, moan and b!tch
a lot?" He got it, and that was the beginning of his
long journey to freedom. Flash forward a decade. We'd
been married for five years or so, and his mother had *long* been
aware that, indeed, he was not a Christian anymore (and had, oddly
enough, not died from the terrible stress). What did she send
us for Christmas? A counted-cross-stitch picture (really very
pretty and well-done) of the "Footprints" poem.
At least, that's what it said on the surface. Just underneath,
it said, "You wicked, ungrateful, faithless boy! How
could you *possibly* walk away from me and the church I raised you
in?! Isn't being just like me good enough for you? Shame
on you!" I gave the embroidery away to my dear friend,
who is, indeed, a devout Christian. And, I explained the reason
why. Luckily, since MIL *never* will set foot in our house
again, we don't worry about her ever noticing that her little sermon
hasn't exactly been given a place of honor in our home.
Signed - He Can Believe
What His Heart Tells Him To
RESPONSE: He Can Believe What His Heart Tells Him To
Everyone has the right to believe whatever they choose. Religion
and politics are always "hot topics" with people in general.
Your MIL doesn't share the same view as you. Maybe you need
to blatantly sit down and talk with her about what it is that you
believe. If you don't believe your soul is going anywhere
after you die, tell her. Tell her flat out if you want her
in or out of your life. At least tell her you don't want any
more subtle hints or gifts from her about religion or God.
She is probably just concerned about you because she believes there
is more to come after our death here on earth. She probably
has a hard time with the fact that you do not believe there is a
God. Talk to her with a warm heart so that she understands
100% what it is that you believe (because, apparently, she really
doesn't know).
RESPONSE: He Can Believe What His Heart Tells Him To
That was the right thing to do. We're atheists, and my mother's
response was *exactly* the same as your MIL's when I finally told
her. She said that it would have been better if I'd told her
I was a lesbian! I tried to explain to her that my Christian
upbringing was very important to me, as it taught me a sense of
ethics that I've had ever since, but she just wouldn't listen.
So, she started sending me subscriptions to devotional magazines
and other religious items from the local fundie bookstore.
I just turned right around and donated everything to a local nursing
home run by the Baptists. After a while it'll get to feel
less like a slap in the face, and more like a mosquito bite.
But, girl, I know exactly how you and your DH must feel.
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My SIL spent A LOT of
time COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT HER MOTHER (MY MIL) for YEARS AND YEARS!!
I was foolish enough to listen, and even dumber to attempt to offer
her advice. When SIL began to confide in me, shortly after
DH and I got married, I was stupid enough to tell her MY feelings
about MIL, and about situations that occurred between MIL and myself
that FRIED me. At the time, I thought I could trust SIL.
As years passed (I am married to DH for 11 years now), I noticed
MIL would occasionally throw out little comments in conversation
which indirectly gave me "clues", made me raise my eyebrows,
and made me wonder if SIL was telling MIL what I had said about
her. Every time a situation arose that made me suspicious,
I asked SIL if she said anything to MIL. She always replied
with the canned answer, "I would NEVER tell her anything you
have ever said to me!!" I realized that she had to be
lying when MIL started KNOWING about things that I only told to
SIL. Besides, MIL's words to me occasionally became eerily
similar to the exact words I had used with SIL. So, of course
I stopped mentioning ANYTHING to SIL about MIL. Now, when
SIL talks poorly about her mother to me, I change the subject, or,
mostly, I say that I am busy when she calls me and I cannot talk.
I have found out that SHE is the ultimate back stabber. I
thought I could trust her. DUH! I had a desperate need
for someone to have and share the same feelings about MIL as I did,
and I temporarily forgot that SIL might go back and tell MIL my
thoughts. I took the chance that I could trust her.
Now I have to live with the fact that MIL knows first hand, through
SIL, that she got to me after all. I could kick myself for
being so stupid. Anyone want to yell at me? Anyone have
advice on what to do now, besides NOT talking to SIL??? It
just FRIES me, because MIL KNOWS she gets to me, and I can tell
SHE LOVES it.
Signed - Should Have
Known Blood Is Thicker Than Water
RESPONSE: Should Have Known Blood Is Thicker Than Water
Yep, you should have known that. Why do I say this?
Because I did the VERY SAME THING, and the VERY SAME THING happened.
You're not the only one. I didn't have any girlfriends to
talk to about it, and she was always complaining about it.
And, yep, eventually I started talking about it too. Dumb,
dumb, DUMB thing to do. If I were writing a Ten Commandments
book for ILs, that would be number ONE. DON'T TALK TO HER
CHILDREN ABOUT HER, except DH, of course. Hang in there.
RESPONSE: Should Have Known Blood Is Thicker Than Water
Yes, you are right - blood is thicker than water, and it was an
honest mistake that you confided in your SIL. It sounds to
me like your SIL is turning more and more into your MIL. Like
mother, like daughter. I would just leave things as they are.
The damage is done, and there is nothing, unfortunately, that you
can do about it. The only thing I would suggest doing would
be to make a list of things your SIL said, and send them to your
MIL, anonymously. But, I am not sure if I would have the nerve
to do that. Maybe you can tape your SIL saying these things.
I would just, of course, not give any more information or feelings
to SIL about MIL. Confide here instead. Good luck.
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You have given me such
good advice, and things you've written have stayed with me and truly
helped me a lot. I could give examples of this. Things
are ok with my MIL right now. But, a question for you - does
anyone happen to have insights about how to go on and grow, and
rise above a bad reputation? I had a terrible, degrading relationship
with a local guy years ago. I had low self-esteem (and still
do, but not as bad as it was then, and I have a great husband now),
and pretty much did whatever he wanted me to. He's not really
the nicest guy. He's gossipy, and it's a small community.
I get these looks sometimes from people who know him. I feel
badly about it for my husband's sake. It's too bad, because
I was never a slutty person (just in this case, and out of terribly
low self-esteem). My husband insists that he doesn't care
about it, that plenty of people think well of me (I didn't spell
out the details to him - he wouldn't want to hear them). Because
of your valuable past insights on all kinds of things, would you
have any ideas about how to coexist, in a fairly small community,
with a man I had a truly degrading relationship with in the past?
And, do you know any way that I could really face my bad reputation,
and somehow (at least in my own mind) rise above it? We love
our little house here, and have some excellent neighbors (so it's
not like we have no source of strength at all). And, we have
no children.
Signed - Still Haunted
By The Past
RESPONSE: Still Haunted By The Past
Once you really begin to TRULY like yourself, other people's opinions
of you won't matter. You never need outside validation or
acceptance, regardless of your past, when you finally forgive yourself
and begin to like yourself. Remember, you are very special.
Why do you think people cling to trashy magazines? To take
their mind off their own problems. It is easier to laugh at
someone else than it is to focus on your own problems. Consider
yourself more fortunate than the rest - you have an instant litmus
test of your true friends. If someone heard something about
you - and they don't care and they don't judge you, then they are
your true friend, and you know it. Most people don't have
that luxury. They have many people in their lives that PRETEND
to be their friends, but really aren't. Keep your chin up,
and remember that you are very special. You don't need others
to like you in order to prove it. Begin to REALLY like yourself,
and you will eventually begin to grow a thicker skin with regard
to the sorry @ss tabloid readers and gossips that are so miserable
that they cannot keep focused on themselves.
RESPONSE: Still Haunted By The Past
The past is just that - the past. Move on. Don't worry
about the stupid kid stuff. And, if that ex won't leave you
alone, and keeps talking about you, that just means he's not over
you. You must have been pretty special to him if he's still
telling stories about you. You sound like you still have self-esteem
issues. Counseling might serve you well if you feel you can't
talk to your husband about what shames you. Remember the "for
better or for worse" part of the vows? This falls under
the "for worse" heading. And, if this is as bad
as it gets, something you did with an old boyfriend, you're looking
at a pretty smooth marriage.
RESPONSE: Still Haunted By The Past
I hope you will take these words to heart. You HAVE risen
above your past. You have risen above it by moving on, and
by having a successful, healthy, happy relationship. We have,
ALL OF US, made poor decisions in the past. Some people never
move past theirs, and just make them over and over. Some do
realize the error of their ways, and learn from their mistakes.
You belong in the latter category, and that's something to be proud
of. There are plenty of women who just jump from one abusive,
degrading relationship to the next, and never find the strength
to make their lives better. You did. Be proud of yourself.
As for the people giving you looks - why on earth would you let
them bother you? I am always amazed by people who will listen
to one person degrade another, and believe anything that person
has to say! The only thing you have to do to "fight"
this is to do exactly what you've been doing - nothing! Just
live your life. If you attempt to address his gossip, you
dignify it. You appear to have a guilty conscience.
And, worst of all, you add fuel to the fire that will keep on burning
longer and brighter than if you'd said nothing at all. Sooner
or later this mistake from your past will find something else to
talk about. In the meantime, your happiness, class, and dignity
will speak loudly for itself. Remember, living well IS the
best revenge! Good luck, and please, forget about your past,
and focus your energy on your bright future.
RESPONSE: Still Haunted By The Past
The best way to do that, I think, is to become involved in the community,
and get to know people. Volunteer. Be a good neighbor
and friend, and let people know who you really are. I'll guess
that you're probably young. I'm sure that many people probably
recognize that people grow and mature, and that what you might have
done in your teens and twenties is not who you'll be in your thirties
and forties. And, most likely, as time goes on they'll forget
all about anything that you did long ago that was less than respectable.
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My husband's mother has
never really cared for me. She has been nice when needed.
She makes rude remarks to me that are sometimes very insulting.
She has overstepped her boundaries one too many times. She
has corrected my children. She has tried and succeed, in most
cases, to move the furniture in my home. This has been going
on for 8 long years. Now, she has broken the biggest MIL rule
yet, and that is that she told all her friends, and most of the
family, about some marital problems my husband and I were having.
Since they only heard what she has told them, everybody treats me
very nastily now. I know the saying of honor thy mother, but
when is it OK to say, "You are wrecking our life and what was
left of your relationship with your son,"? My husband,
like most, does not handle conflict with his mother well, so he
has just cut her off. I don't think that was the right thing
to do, but I have to say, things are so pleasant without her calling
or coming over. I wish I could just tell her what she has
done, and how it has affected the way everyone is treating me.
My husband feels a great loss. His mother betrayed his trust.
How do you deal with that?
Signed - His Mother Betrayed
His Trust
RESPONSE: His Mother Betrayed His Trust
My heart breaks for you. But, really, how much worse could
it get if you TOLD your feelings directly to MIL about her betrayal?
You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, by telling her
flat out how hurt you are. At best, it will get those feelings
that are pent up inside of you OUT. Remember, you didn't make
the DH/MIL situation into what it is now. She had a much larger
contribution to the way things are now than you did. And,
if people in the family are going to judge you based on ONE SIDE
of the story, then they weren't ever going to be your "friends"
or your "support" to begin with. Everyone occasionally
has problems in their marriage, some just don't admit it.
Time always heals, or at least dulls, wounds. Give the situation
time, and try to enjoy your "peace" from MIL in the meantime,
without feeling guilty. Say what is in your heart if you don't
think it will make things worse. Lots of luck.
RESPONSE: His Mother Betrayed
His Trust
If I were you, I would send her a letter explaining just how I felt
about her disloyalty, and her betraying you and DH. Explain
to her that this has caused DH to have no contact with her.
And, that if there are any future children, she will not get to
experience being a grandmother to them because of her actions.
Tell her that if she does not stop, she will alienate everyone from
the family eventually, and she will have no one. Surely, people
in the family will get tired of hearing about this, and tell her
to shut up. Every action has a consequence, and so your MIL
chose this for herself. Tell her that you are sorry that she
has nothing else to do but talk about you and DH. If she doesn't
stop, tell her that you are going to sue her for slander.
Hey, scare her, if nothing else. Good luck.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives