Worst gift: Worst Christmas
Gift from Mother. My wife and I had already decided that we
couldn't associate with my mother anymore. Against my better
judgment, I asked my wife to go to my sister's house with me for
Christmas, because some of my brothers and sisters would be there,
and I wanted to see them. My family is not very nice to my
wife, but, knowing my feelings, she agreed to go. We had already
decided, beforehand, not to accept any words or presents coming
from my sister or my mother, who we can not stand. My mother
sent me a Christmas gift, and I refused to accept it. My sister
begged for me to take it. She said it was just a copy of my
mother's book, that she wrote. I refused, and we left shortly
after that. Why would my mother have that book done and give
it out? She wrote mean things about my sister (who is psycho,
but still), and she made accusations about my dad. I'm glad
I refused that gift!
Signed - Son Of Psycho
My husband and I have
been married for about 3 years. In the very beginning of our
marriage, we lived in New England. We moved to another state
(worst mistake of my life) nine months ago. We bought a house
about 2 miles from my MIL's house. I decided to go back to
work, and my MIL offered to watch my 3 year old son. We pay
her $400 a month. My MIL is very over bearing. She insists
that my son call her "mom". She changes whatever
outfit I put on my son. She does my laundry, against my wishes.
She makes stupid comments like, "I told you he will end up
like this because of the way you treat him." Before we
moved, I used to like my MIL. Now I can't stomach her.
I have spoken to my husband about putting my son in day care, but
he does not agree. He says that I am being too sensitive,
that I have problems with getting along with people, that his mother
is only trying to help, and that, if I put my son in daycare, he
will not assist me in the process. And, my favorite comment
is, "my mother is watching DS, and that's it. So, you
just need to get over it." Needless to say, my husband's
attitude disgusts me. He is like a little boy when it comes
to his mother. I think his mother could slap me, and he wouldn't
care less. I am seriously thinking about leaving with my child.
I can't take much more of this. I have spoken to his mother
about her behavior. Her response is that she is older and
wiser, and is only trying to help. I would appreciate any
advice and opinions. It's great to see that I am not the only
one dealing with a MIL from he!!
Signed - Big Mistake
RESPONSE: Big Mistake
You know what you need to do? Quit your full-time job, and
either stay at home or do part time work. It is not only your
husband's decision where your child goes, or who takes care of him.
YOU are the mommy here, not the B!TCH. Do what you have to
do to protect your child. AND, being older does not necessarily
make one wiser.
RESPONSE: Big Mistake
Why do you live only two miles from your MIL now? I smell
this as a bomb waiting to explode. In other words, your husband
wanted to move close to his mommy, and now, there you are.
Your son is both his son AND your son. So, for him to say
that she's watching him and that's it, is to give you no say in
who should watch your child! This woman is being PAID too,
which means she's pocketing $400 a month. And, somehow, I
feel that this is part of a "deal" your husband made with
her, in order to give her a nice extra little income. Stand
up to your husband. Tell him he's a mommy's boy, and that
you feel you were nothing but the child bearer (with no say now
with his care). AND, here you are, living nearby her - which
is a nightmare. I'd clear out of there for a while with your
son until your DH has the guts to choose: You and his son,
or his mommy dearest.
RESPONSE: Big Mistake
Your DH obviously needs to wake up to his controlling mother.
Are there any of his friends who could say something to him?
Perhaps you could ask him how he'd feel if it was your mum who behaved
like this - would he feel differently (separating the behavior from
his mother)? Another suggestion is to have your child part-time
in childcare, which is more of a compromise. You can use the
excuse that your child would be able to associate and play with
other kids. If that works, at least it's a start, and it can
give you time to work on the real problem of your DH's relationship
with his mother and her level of influence. Wishing you all
the best.
RESPONSE: Big Mistake
First, I would suggest going to see a counselor about your situation
and tell DH this, "I want to go to counseling about this situation
with your mother. If you don't go, I have no choice but to
take my own actions, whether that be putting DS in a daycare with
my own money, or leaving with DS. I am his mother, and I feel
that MIL's behavior is out of line and uncalled for. You are
seeing it another way because she is your mother. Please respect
my feelings, and meet me in the middle with this. Either go
with me to counseling, or let me put DS in a daycare. If not,
I am not sure how our marriage will turn out. As your wife,
you should put my feelings above your own mother's, and you are
not doing that. Please work with me on this." Say
all of this in a calm tone, and tell him you don't want to fight.
Good luck, you really need to talk to someone about this.
RESPONSE: Big Mistake
You need to set some serious boundaries. She has YOUR son
calling her "Mom"??!! It sounds like your MIL has
been getting away with a lot, because your DH won't stand firm with
you. From my own experience with my MIL from he!!, the real
problem existed between my DH and myself. I needed him to
help me determine what boundaries we needed to set for MIL, and
THEN enforce them with me. It took a long time to get to the
point where we could even have a reasonable discussion about his
mother without it escalating into a fight because of his defensiveness.
Now he knows there are things I will accept from her, and things
I won't. I made it very clear to him that if he didn't understand
the concept of marrying me and creating a new family together, then
he could feel free to return to his mommy. Try to discuss
with your DH what you find unacceptable about your MIL's behavior.
Have a list ready that you can stick to so that you don't end up
attacking your MIL, that will only make your H disregard what you
are saying as mean or petty. Explain to him how her actions
make you feel. It may take a while, but keep trying to talk
to him. The biggest point to remember is that you deserve
to be treated with respect by your H. If you need to, go to
counseling - do whatever it takes to get through to him. In
the end, however, if he cannot respect your wishes and feelings,
then perhaps you would be best to move on. Truthfully, you
won't be able to change your MIL. She's been a mean old witch
for many, many years! But, if you and your DH stand together,
you can make her change her behavior around you and your son.
No one deserves a life filled with stress, anxiety, and disrespect,
day after day. You are worth more than that. Good luck.
And keep us posted! Signature: Not Going to Take It
Anymore.
I wanted to ask if maybe
anyone has ever experienced anything like what I am going through
right now. I am just so irritated by my MIL that anything
she does just pisses me off. It was the result of one year
of hurt and pain that I've endured since the birth of my baby.
I think she got better now, but I still cannot let go of those feelings
of anger and hurt. What do I do? She is a mean, possessive
lady who uses guilt to manipulate my H. She comes in unannounced
all the time. She calls and checks on the baby a few times
a day. She announces that she is having her time with the
baby that day, at that time (without consulting us). But,
that is all much better than what she did before. I was raised
to be tolerant of other people weaknesses. And I understand
that as a divorced woman, my MIL uses my baby to fulfill a void
in her life. However, I've reached the point where I cannot
take it anymore. I know that I am being unreasonable now,
but I just cannot stand her! I constantly play in my head
all those hurtful things she told me, and I just cannot let it go!
She competes with me every time she comes to visit, saying things
like, "Oh, are you not going to your grandma (when I hold my
baby)? Oh, she seems to prefer her daddy (my H)."
I know I should not obsess about it. I know it is silly, but
it is easier said than done. I started thinking about divorce.
I love my H to death, but I absolutely cannot stand his family!
Oh, no, he does not stand up to them.
Signed - Unreasonably
Frustrated?
RESPONSE: Unreasonably Frustrated?
I understand how you feel. I, too, have been hurt by my FMIL
recently. And, even though I have forgiven her and the words
she said about me, I am still hurt, and can't get over the fact
that I still have to put up with her. My FDH supports me,
and understands that I am still hurt and upset, but he thinks that
I should eventually get over this and move on. Well, yes,
I agree. I should not give her the satisfaction of being upset
over her, but I am still pissed off. I would look at it this
way if I were you: Don't let your MIL "win" by obsessing
over this. Focus your energy and thoughts on something that
is worth occupying your time. MIL IS NOT WORTH IT! Keep
saying that over and over in your head every time you think about
what she has said and done. Now, to nip her present behavior
in the bud: Sit down with your DH, and let him know that her
behavior is NOT going to be accepted from you any longer.
As the mother of your baby, you will not allow MIL to come over
unannounced. You will not allow her to have "her"
time with the baby unless she gives you a 72 hour notice.
And, even then, that does not guarantee that she will be allowed
to spend time with the baby if you already have previous plans.
Tell DH that if she continues to disrespect you as his wife, as
the mother of your baby, and as a human being, she will not be allowed
to see you or the baby until you think she can behave herself and
can respect you. If he does not want to tell his mother this,
fine! YOU TELL HER! You don't owe that woman a thing.
She does NOT have rights as a grandmother, and she does not have
the right to see her grandchildren, or you, unless it is under YOUR
terms. Put your foot down now about this. Let DH know
that you have had enough, and that it is either this (and I would
suggest counseling, too), or you are out of there with the baby.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
RESPONSE: Unreasonably Frustrated?
Been there! My DH was unsupportive to the point of adding
his own insults about me to his family's. I asked for a divorce,
and he pleaded with me to stay. Eventually, it all came about
that his family has been speaking badly about me since the beginning,
and his mother and sister had actually tried to remove me altogether
from his life. He avoids his mother and sister like the plague
now, and rarely, if ever, sees the rest of the family. If
your DH won't at least try to see your side and understand your
feelings, maybe you should tell him you are considering leaving
him. You never know, it might help! If he can not accept
the fact that MIL is a manipulative old hag, you would be better
off without that family!
RESPONSE: Unreasonably Frustrated?
Don't let HER dictate when she sees your child. YOU decide.
And, I wouldn't let her in if I didn't want her there. It
is ridiculous when MILs act this way. I would also put her
on notice that if she doesn't call ahead to check, then she will
not be allowed into the house. That is called "common
courtesy".
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