My problem is with my
mother, and not my MIL. She is making me crazy. Here's
just one example of the sort of thing she does. My aunt sent
up three big boxes filled with clothes, perfume, and makeup.
They were mainly for my sister and I, with a couple of items for
my mother. My aunt sent them to my mother's house in an attempt
to "mend the fence". My mother went through and
took out almost everything. Then, she replaced those items
with all of her old clothes. The worst thing, was that some
of them were clothes that I had given her years ago. She,
then, gave us the boxes and told us that our aunt had sent horrible
clothes (no mention of the makeup and perfume), and she only took
out a couple of items. Her husband backed up her lies.
I haven't said anything yet - I am too upset. My aunt and
sister are upset, too. This is just one of the many things
this crazy lady does.
Signed - Just One of
The Many Things This Crazy Lady Does
RESPONSE: Just One of The Many Things This Crazy Lady
Does
The best advice I can give you is to confront her. I put up
with years and years of controlling and passive aggressive behavior
from my SM (sister's mother - I have disowned her!) and the rest
of my family. And I let them get away with it. SM will
either make nasty comments and then quickly say she was "joking",
or just tell lies outright to be horrible to the person she's talking
to. Even when I was I child, she'd lie about me to relatives
and friends and watch me squirm while I tried to cover up for her
- no one wants to be thought of having a liar for a mother.
A typical example - when I was 11, she told the local Sunday School
teacher that I could play the piano (I couldn't), and so I was invited
to play at church the next week. I was scared stiff, and nagged
a friend who had piano lessons into teaching me a simple tune.
I stayed up night after night practicing on a little keyboard I
had, hoping I'd get good enough so that they wouldn't know it was
a lie. I was awful on the day, and I was not helped by the
fact that I'd had very little sleep for a week, and had vomited
most of my meals because of stress. On another occasion, when
I was about 14, she was given a rabbit by a local farmer.
I had seen it dead in the fridge, and was appalled. I announced
(like 14 year olds do) that I would never eat it. That night,
she not only made a curry with it (on purpose to disguise the taste),
but also invited someone I knew from school to dinner so that she
could serve it and everyone could laugh at me while I ate it.
Her forte was embarrassing me in front of my school friends.
Luckily, I saw her smirking as I was about to start eating, and
I ran from the table. Loads of people at school knew about
it the next day, and I kept having people come up to me and ask
why my mother hated me. Over the years, she has wrecked scores
of family occasions with her nastiness and lies. I don't think
I have ever heard her say anything nice about anyone except my sister
(whom she adores, and has turned out just like her!). Now
that I'm older and trying for a baby of my own, I thought long and
hard about the situation. I was determined that she was not
going to do this to me or my DH, whom she also hates, anymore.
I decided that she was not allowed to treat me this way. Recently,
when she rang and started going on about the usual thing of how
the family had decided I was mean and "a capitalist pig"
because I had sold something on ebay that she wanted (and, I swear,
she only wanted it when she saw how much it was selling for!), I
decided to put my foot down. I asked her why I should give
my things to her and why she didn't buy her own. "Oh,
we're only joking," she replied. I carried on, "But
you're not, are you? You're not joking. It's the family's
way of making rude remarks to me and getting your digs in because
you're all jealous! You're insecure and unsuccessful, and
so you take it out on me. It's rude. All the family
members do it, and it's pathetic, because it is typical behavior
of people who are failures!" I don't know where the torrent
came from, but it felt brilliant! Once I had finished (and
after a short stunned silence), she blurted out something about
how my sister was having trouble controlling her 3 year old, and
then added, "Oh, I shouldn't have said that!" This
apparent "secret" (because she has never, ever said anything
bad about her favorite daughter before) was, I think, an attempt
to appease me. I believe she thought she'd get on my side
or something by letting me in on the fact that my sister isn't perfect.
Well, whoopi do! Everyone else has known this for years!
Odd behavior from someone in their 60s. Don't you think?
It's more like playground conduct. Anyway, the upshot is that
she hasn't dared to say a bad word since. She will, because
badmouthing people is a habit with her. But, I'll be ready
for her, and blast her again. You owe it to yourself to do
it. I feel like I've grown up in the last few weeks, and that
she no longer has control over my emotions (she used to, and she
knew it). Please, please confront your mother with her passive-aggressive
behavior, and let her know that the family knows about it.
She's obviously affecting your life in an adverse way. If
she gets away with this, and is doing it on purpose because she
is controlling, she will continue forever.
Worst gift: For Christmas
this year, my husband assured me that his sister is very generous,
so he could justify getting my SIL a DVD player. However,
she wasn't nearly as generous as he thought she was, when all I
got was a ring, from a discount department store, that gave me a
rash!
Signed - Gave Me A Rash
My MIL just came back
from a vacation. I am dreading seeing her - not only because
she drives me crazy, but because of the souvenirs she brings us.
She does try to pick out some gift items that she thinks we may
like, and I appreciate that. However, she also takes all the
freebie items that you find in the hotel rooms. I am talking
about everything from the soap and shower caps, to all the tea bags
and coffee packets that are provided for her in-room use.
It is so hard to choke out the words, "thank you".
We keep telling her that it is not necessary to do all this souvenir
"giving", and that we would really appreciate just a postcard.
But, she continues to do this, and seems to get great pleasure out
of it. She'll even tell us that she brought us the flavored
coffee because we like that, and she is giving the tea to my sister
because she and her husband don't drink coffee. We feel so
embarrassed for her when she does this.
Signed - Dreading Her
Return
RESPONSE: Dreading Her Return
I don't know (maybe I'm wrong?) if the hotels really mind if she
takes that stuff, as long as she doesn't take towels, glasses, etc.
They put it there for the people to use, I think. I wouldn't
mind if my MIL brought me that stuff. Although I do admit,
it isn't exactly a first-class gift!
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