OK! This will be
the weirdest, darned story you will ever read. This is the
situation: My wife has a father who is divorced. He
married again, to a woman whom I will refer to as Step-MIL.
My wife has a mother who is divorced. She married again to
a man whom I will refer to as Step-FIL. My FIL is the sweetest
man around. Step-MIL is (surprise!) the nicest woman I have
ever met. I like her so much that I kind of take her as a
substitute for my late mother (as a grandmother for my 2 year old
son). My MIL (the real one) is STRANGE. God forgive
me, but he!!, she IS STRANGE. HER HUSBAND (STEP-FIL) IS A
BITTER, CYNICAL MAN. If there is some way to refer to a situation
in a bitter, cynical way, he'll just say it! I think you get
the picture. WORSE YET, my FIL is poor. He supports
his family economically, but that is it. My MIL is sooo rich!
Step-FIL is rich, and money spills overboard, whether you like it
OR NOT. It just spills on you. Sooo. For our wedding,
we cut the costs way down. It was soon apparent that MIL and
Step-FIL just couldn't get a grip on themselves. They had
to show off , and big time! And, now was the time for it!
A wedding dress? Shoes? Hair styles? You name
it! They paid for everything that could be stuck with a label
on it! That was very nice - NO, IT ISN'T! It was so
degrading for FIL. I just felt so sorry for him and for Step-MIL.
After the wedding, we planned a honeymoon of one month to the east
cost of the USA. They sprayed us with money from every possible
angle! So, we went on our honeymoon, only to find out that
someone (surprise, surprise!) had upgraded us into FIRST CLASS!
We stayed mostly at motels. We did a car-trip across all of
NY. Then, we went down to Washington, DC, and back up to NY.
And, then we flew home. My wife mentioned something about
a reservation that MIL has made for a hotel in Washington.
Yes, yes, yes. It was a five star hotel, with EVERYTHING included.
By this point, it stopped being amusing. It was just so that
they could showoff ! I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.
Needless to say, we haven't mentioned it to FIL or Step-MIL.
Signed - I Didn't Know
If I Should Laugh Or Cry
RESPONSE: I Didn't Know If I Should Laugh Or Cry
I am sorry. I do realize that you were aggravated by this
situation, but you just don't realize how lucky you are. Don't
sweat the small stuff. If your worst problem is having in-laws
that are trying to show off their money to you, you are fortunate.
None of them are degrading you verbally, or trying to "get
to you" in an evil way. Like I said, I realize that this
situation might annoy you, but HAVE YOU READ some of the things
MIL/FILs do to people? Consider yourself to have a "minor"
problem here. Lots of luck.
RESPONSE: I Didn't Know If I Should Laugh Or Cry
From your story, there is no reason to suspect that they were doing
this only to show off. Even if they were, they were spending
the money on YOU, for YOUR wedding. Whatever their motives,
your own reaction strikes me as ungracious, to say the least.
Get over it.
Worst gift: My MIL is
famous for her tasteless and thoughtless gifts! For three
years (including this past Christmas), I have received a pea green
turtle neck (I don't wear green, it's not my color), and either
one pair of socks or one pair of underwear. My MIL will purchase
one package of undergarments and split them between the three DIL's.
All of us, by the way, are different sizes. I'm the thinnest,
so I usually drown in the underwear. And, my feet are 3 sizes
larger than the other two DILs, so the socks are always too small.
Last Christmas, I purchased a brand name gold bracelet for $80 for
MIL, because that is her favorite jewelry (she had requested a bracelet
from my husband). In return, I received a costume jewelry
bracelet! This year, I went to the nearest discount store
and got her a $10 pair of PJs! She'll be lucky if she gets
as much next Christmas!!!
Signed - Turtle Neck
Special!
On our wedding day, my
MIL told my mother that she didn't have to worry about faking any
tears during the ceremony, because she already had a bad cold.
Then, she gave us a generous wedding gift of $15.00! Fifteen
years and three kids later, she's only gotten worse. We live
20 minutes away from her, and she won't even call or visit her grandchildren
on their birthdays. Instead, she'll send a card in the mail.
She has only come to visit us 3 times in the last 2 years.
But, she'll drive a 6 hour round trip to her daughter's house to
bring groceries and money for bills. She'll also help with
cleaning/gardening, and stay for a few nights each and every month!
I've really tried not to, but over the years I've come to hate my
MIL.
Signed - Cheap and Thoughtless!
RESPONSE: Cheap and Thoughtless!
You hate her, and you're not glad she leaves you alone?!!
Count your blessings!!!!
Just something to ponder:
I always thought that MILs were a breed of their own, and DILs were
the victims. After I married my husband, all the cr@p from
his mother started, of course. And, all this time, initially,
my own mother did not believe it when I told her of the things MIL
did, because she thought well of my MIL and of my DH. She
thought that they were just being strict in my/our child's interest,
instead of believing me that my MIL was jealous and maligning me,
and that my DH did not even stand up for me. Even months after
marriage, she continued to support DH and MIL on their views when
they forced MIL's opinions and will on me. Three years ago,
my own brother married. He was smart enough not to tell our
mother about his then girlfriend till they finalized their wedding
plans. I was dumb enough to let my mother know what I was
doing when I was dating my DH. I was young, and I thought
that since she was older, she would give me good advice (i.e., whether
he was a suitable husband, and whether he loved me). Of course,
being the socially self-respecting sort, she made light of my fears.
She and my dad urged me to marry my DH, in spite of all the doubts
I had already (that DH loved his mother so much more than me, and
was always wanting to do what she wanted, whether I liked it or
not). My mother appeared to be very supportive of my brother
and SIL's marriage, and to some degree, she still is. But,
on their wedding day, I was in the ladies room, unbeknownst to her.
And, from the stall, I overheard her complaining to my aunts (her
sisters) that she did not consider herself lucky that her son was
marrying. She said, "Who wants a DIL like that, anyway."
However, after their marriage, she did stay away from them to give
them breathing space (unlike my own MIL, who keeps coming to visit
every two to three months - staying 6 weeks at a time, and creating
tension and fights between DH and me). But, that is another
story. I considered my SIL to be really lucky, but do you
think she thinks so? 1. My brother treats her very well,
and even threatened to cut off my mother if she insisted on asking
SIL to have a child (which to me isn't too much, since I already
have two - and he is, after all, the eldest son - and my other brothers
are still young). 2. My brother goes out with SIL every
weekend on a date, and to church, but my own husband never takes
me and the children anywhere at all, always claiming he is busy
or broke - even if I offer to pay for the outing. But, if
his mother is around, he will take her out (without any complaints
or excuses). 3. My brother never forces his wife to
join in our weekly family gatherings, and she never comes.
And, it's not that she has to avoid us, as my mother will warmly
welcome her if she comes - even getting food for her as though she
were a prized guest. And, my mother speaks really warmly to
SIL. And, all this while, SIL will just reply in a very cool,
detached manner. She only shows up on important occasions,
even though they live a mile away. I think my brother has
betrayed his own family by speaking ill of our mother, and possibly
some of us. So, with these thoughts, SIL is very cool towards
us. This is sad, because my mother has made a great effort
not to be the type of MIL to her DIL that my MIL is to me, and SIL
doesn't realize/appreciate it. 4. My SIL claims to be
too busy with work to have children. But, when they first
married, she used to leave after work and go to her parents' house
to do housework and clean for them, since her mother was wheelchair
bound. And, my brother would pick her up in his car at a nearby
station after she was done. Her mother has since died (a year
ago), and she doesn't go there anymore. But, she still does
not appear to be interested in having kids, though my brother is
very keen (he totally fantastically loves my son - so he will be
a great dad). 5. SIL is very stingy. Once, she
and my brother came to visit my parents. And, after the visit,
my daughter, son, and I, together with my baby-sitter, went to church
with them. After that, my brother drove us home (with SIL).
I thought we might have dinner at a fast food place nearby.
My brother had used up his cash, as they had returned from a holiday
before going to my parents'. He wanted to buy dinner for my
daughter as a treat, but didn't have enough. SIL did not help
him out. And, instead, he even had to buy dinner for her.
Some DILs are bloody lucky, and don't know it.
Signed - SIL Is So Lucky
And Doesn't Even Know It
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
I feel sorry for your SIL. Have you ever considered that if
your mother is careless enough to say things like that in a bathroom
stall on your SIL's wedding day (of all times), your SIL is probably
aware of your mother's feelings? It wouldn't matter how warmly
your mother treated her. If your SIL knows it's fake, do you
really blame her for not wanting to play "big happy family"?
Also, yes it IS too much to keep asking a person to have kids.
That is not your mother's decision, or her business, and she should
really keep her opinions to herself. Kudos to your brother
for standing up for his wife. I think you are so upset not
because your SIL is some awful person, but you are unhappy in your
own marriage. Please, don't begrudge your SIL a good marriage.
Work on yours instead. You will be a happier person that way.
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
Please, please back off of this poor woman. She does NOT have
to have kids. She is under NO obligation to have children.
Maybe she doesn't want to go to family gatherings because you're
breathing down her neck, fuming because she is so much luckier than
you, and the family's pressuring her to get pregnant. For
all you know, she may be battling infertility. Your issues
about your husband and your in-laws (and I'm sorry you have issues
with them) are completely separate from her. They have nothing
to do with her. She need not feel guilty that she has a better
situation than you do. Please let the woman have some peace.
It seems like you are spending too much time comparing yourself
to her and seething. And, I suspect that this is no secret.
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
I don't think your SIL is lucky at all. Your mother sounds
like all the other nightmare MILs on this site. She badmouths
her new DIL at the wedding, and thinks she has the right to run
her life. Your mother has NO BUSINESS asking or telling your
SIL when to have a baby. That is a decision between husband
and wife, and they do not have to answer to anyone (even you!).
You sound jealous of your SIL, probably because she has her DH's
(your brother's) support, and your own DH puts his mother before
you. It's not fair of you to project your own anger and resentment
with your ILs onto your brother's wife. Your family sounds
a lot like my ILs. They are sickeningly sweet to my face,
but behind my back they say nasty things about me, and think my
business with my DH is their business. They judge me when
they don't even know me, and then wonder why we don't go to their
get-togethers. The truth is that they have hurt my feelings
so many times that I don't care to subject myself to their mean-spiritedness
anymore. And, my DH does not want to be around them anymore
either, because they refuse to accept me. If you're not careful,
your brother will stay away from your family. It sounds like
he is very supportive of his wife, as a good husband should be.
I'm sorry you don't get that kind of support from your DH, but please
don't take it out on your SIL. You and your DH need counseling
fast. I hope he agrees to this. Good luck!
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
I think you are looking at the actions of your SIL without considering
her feelings at all. Just because your mother is nice to her
to her face, does not mean that her DIL does not know how she really
feels, and what your mom says behind her back. One, it can
be sensed, and two, the gossip or news that your mom is not 100%
happy with your brother's choice in brides has probably gotten back
to her in one form or another. Also, why are you comparing
the way your brother treats his wife to the way your DH treats you?
What does that have to do with anything? If you put up with
bad treatment from your DH, that is your problem. It is certainly
not your SIL's. You just sound whiny and self-centered.
And, why does it matter to you when your brother and SIL have children?
Do you think that causing your brother and his DW stress will accelerate
the process? It is their decision, so you and your mom should
butt out. Why be angry at SIL over it? Even if it was
your business (which it clearly is not), from your post, she has
never said that she wanted them right away in the first place.
And, this is probably the LAST place that you will get sympathy.
Obviously, you have only told YOUR side of this story, and your
SIL does not sound so bad. So, she doesn't attend things?
When I heard my MIL had issues with me, I didn't attend many functions
either. She has a new DH and a happy life - why are you acting
like a selfish, back-stabbing, rude SIL? Get your own life
in order with your DH, and quit worrying about your SIL!
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
I can't believe your SIL doesn't know how lucky she is. To
have a MIL who complains, "Who wants a DIL like that?",
on her wedding day is every DIL's dream. What could your SIL
be thinking? And, to have you for a SIL! You, who can't
even see straight from your own jealousy of this woman and her relationship
with your brother. I just don't understand how your SIL doesn't
see things the way you do! And, I can't imagine why your SIL
doesn't appreciate your mother demanding that she have a child.
I mean, after all, you have children, so she should too. What
a nerve this woman has, not providing your family with more grandchildren,
just because she doesn't feel ready to be a mother! And, then,
her DH takes her out for a regular date, and you sound like a bitter,
jealous brat, because your DH is a lump, and a real momma's boy
to boot. I can't imagine why she doesn't want to be around
you more to suck up your negative vibes! Oh, how can you stand
her, you poor dear! And, then, to watch your brother act like
a real man, put his wife first, and set boundaries with his meddling,
passive-aggressive mother, while your own DH caters to his mommy,
and does not care about your feelings, must just make you nuts!
But, I'm sure none of your hostile, negative feelings towards your
SIL show when she comes around because you and your mother put on
a really good fake, phony smile, and hide your two faces really
well! So, how dare she feel too uncomfortable to show up to
your weekly faaamily gatherings! I have got to tell you, for
someone who is on the receiving end of rotten IL-behavior, you have
no qualms about dishing it out. Can you say PROJECTION?!
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And
Doesn't Even Know It
I don't think your SIL is lucky at all. Her MIL stood in the
bathroom at her reception and trashed her to her extended family.
Not to mention the fact that you all think you have the right to
tell her when she should have children, and judge her for not having
them. If I can figure out from this post how resentful you
are towards her, then don't you think she can feel it? I wouldn't
want to go to your weekly faaaamily gatherings either. Your
mother sounds like she is nothing but a two-faced phony to your
SIL. Do you think your SIL doesn't know this? At least
your brother has a spine and puts his wife first. It sounds
like you are jealous that you don't have a husband like that, and
you are taking it out on your SIL. You should know better.
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
Maybe your family's customs are different than mine, but it is between
the husband and wife to decide when they want to have kids, and
it is nobody else's business. Just because you have children
already does not mean that she has to have them. It doesn't
matter if you don't think it is too much for your mother to ask
her to have a child. Obviously, if she wanted kids, she would
be trying to have them. Maybe your SIL picks up on your family's
feelings towards her, and that is why she avoids you. I know
that if my in-laws pressured me to have kids, and didn't respect
my decisions as far as a career went, that would make me not want
to be around them. It seems to me that you are a bit jealous
of what your SIL has. Maybe you should take a look in the
mirror and make some changes in your own life. You might be
happier.
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
I read your post twice, wanting to see your point of view and be
supportive. Maybe I just don't understand. You think
your SIL is lucky, even though your MIL said, "Who wants a
DIL like that anyway?" And, she's supposed to overlook
that "vibe" she gets from your mom (no matter how sweet
your mom might be to her face)? Don't you get a "feeling"
that you can't trust someone, even if they try to be nice to you
to your face? If your mom really wanted to be a good MIL,
she wouldn't even have said that to her sisters. She would
have been loyal to her new DIL. That was a huge betrayal,
I think, right there. And, is she "lucky" to have
a SIL with an attitude like yours? I feel sorry for her, to
be completely honest. Maybe she DOES feel lucky to have your
brother, but she might feel really uncomfortable about the rest
of you. I would be, too.
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
You know what? Your DIL may not WANT to have kids, and THAT
is NONE of your business. NO wonder she keeps away, when all
you all seem to do is harp on her! And, your mother should
be ASHAMED for what she said in the bathroom at their WEDDING!
YOU should have called her on it! I would have! Have
you considered that maybe this got back to SIL (along with other
things), and she just senses that you all don't like her, and that's
WHY she doesn't come around? TAKE a good look at yourself
and what you are saying about your SIL!
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
You sound very jealous of your SIL. Don't you think that she
has picked up on that? Also, it is none of your business whether
your brother and his wife have children - none at all. Finally,
MILs are SUPPOSED to treat DILs with respect. Your SIL is
not required to kiss her butt. Worry less about your SIL,
and more about your own husband and MIL.
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
Actually, I sympathize with your SIL. Your family sounds very
full-on. You're very hostile to her in your posting, but you're
not really trying to see a possible reason for her distancing herself.
You sound jealous because your own husband is rotten. With
vibes coming off you like that, I'm not surprised she doesn't want
to be around, particularly if your family shares them. Also,
if your mother pressures her about having kids, and complained about
her at the wedding, it sounds as though your SIL has good cause
not to like her. Your brother should tell your mother to lay
off! Why not lay off your SIL yourself? I feel sorry
for the woman.
RESPONSE: SIL Is So Lucky And Doesn't Even Know It
It sounds to me that you are extremely jealous of your SIL.
After all, she actually has self-respect. She knows that your
mother doesn't really like her. THAT is why she acts in a
cool, detached way. One of her friends may have been in the
bathroom when your mom was commenting on her dissatisfaction with
her FDIL. Considering she will be having her own children,
she should decide on the timeline therein.
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