I just absolutely detest
my DH's mother. This is the 2nd time around for both of us.
I have two children from my previous marriage. DH and I have
had some financial struggles this past year due to some unexpected
turns of events. These events include a change of employment,
which meant a slight decrease in salary, yet better work environment
and long term benefits. Plus, my ex has decided to not pay
child support, and we are now incurring legal fees. Not once
have I ever expected any help from DH's mother. Why would
I? I was quite successful on my own for all the years I was
divorced (before I met DH). However, MIL has gotten wind of
our financial struggles. DH, God love him, is like an open
book, and nothing in his life (or now mine) is secret and/or sacred.
So, I don't have to ponder too hard as to how she got wind of our
financial difficulties. Now, for the clincher - his mother
is very well off. As I have stated, DH is an open book, and
as an only child, he is privy to her financial well-being.
She has started dangling her money in his face like a carrot in
front of the horse. She has, in my opinion, teased him with
the idea that she is going to give us a large sum of money later
this year, but has not indicated how much she plans to give us.
I am fighting him tooth and nail on this. We have our financial
struggles, but that is what they are - struggles, we are not destitute.
Granted we are having to watch every dime, and there are no extras,
but I would rather sell my house and all my belongings than to take
a dime from this woman. She has this way of coming across
to others as this kind, dear woman who only has everyone else's
best interest at heart. What her true colors show is that
she is manipulative, intrusive, and downright controlling.
How can I make DH understand that the strings that will come attached
to this money will be so tight they will choke us? I have
finally told him that I wash my hands of the whole thing.
If there is any financial transaction between the two of them, it
is just that, between the two of them. I will not have any
dealings in it or with it. So, he can do whatever he wants
if she decides to "grace the peasants" with a morsel from
her mountain of gold. However, if this transaction takes place,
regardless of my protests, I am also going to make HER aware that
I have taken nothing from her. She is forever implying that
I am a gold-digger. She refers to our house as DH's, and everything
in it as DH's. When, in truth, the majority of it was mine
when we met. DH had just bought the house prior to our meeting,
and I sold my home when we decided to marry. We have built
on to the house, which DH would not have been able to afford on
his own, as I make a fairly substantial income myself. But,
it is still DH's house. MIL thinks that since I was a single
mother, I was just looking for some chump to sink my claws into.
She is forever asking me about my income, and if I am up for a raise.
I don't know if she knows what I make or not. I really don't
care, other than the fact that it's really none of her damn business.
I just want her to cut the apron strings and stop dangling DH's
inheritance in front of his nose. Any advice or words of comfort
would be most appreciated. Thanks for letting me blow off
steam. You are all great!!!
Signed - Stop Dangling
The Golden Carrot
RESPONSE: Stop Dangling The Golden Carrot
You have my sympathy. My MIL also refers to our house (when
she's talking to ME!) as DH's. The land it is on was mine
when we met, and I have done just as much work building it as DH
- we've worked together. Can anyone explain WHY that is?!!!!!
I really have hard feelings towards her (and she also seems like
the kindest, dearest person in the world!). It's a long story,
but I'm sure glad my MIL doesn't have any money, or she'd be a bigger
pain in the butt than she already is. You have my sympathy!!
RESPONSE: Stop Dangling The Golden Carrot
Your comment about how you would rather sell your house and everything
you own, than take a dime from that woman is the best attitude you
can have!! Good for you!! Don't eat that golden carrot,
whatever you do! That manipulative hothead wants you to take
that money so she can feel as if she is in control of your lives.
She might also get a thrill from telling family members or friends
that her DIL "needs" her, and can't make it without her.
Don't give her the satisfaction of getting that controlling feeling.
Even though you don't know me, you have my support! And I'm
sure you have everyone else's here as well. Although my MIL
isn't rich, she does dangle other carrots in front of us.
She's a good seamstress, and I can't sew to save my life.
She's ALWAYS telling us we can bring our clothes to be hemmed/repaired
to her. I stupidly did it once, and I'll NEVER do it again.
She told all the family members and her hick friends that I'm so
helpless when it comes to sewing that I totally depend on her, that
I could never survive without her, and all this other cr@p.
That's when I realized that she's not offering her abilities out
of the goodness of her heart, but so that she can make it look like
I "need" her. It gets her so mad that I would rather
pay a tailor than let her do it for free. I know my example
pales in comparison to yours, but hang in there. Everything
will work out!
Doctor: I'm sorry
to say that your MIL had a heart attack. SIL/DIL: That's impossible! Doctor: What do mean that's impossible? SIL/DIL: She can't have a heart attack! She doesn't have
a heart!
Signed - Heartless
My MIL is extremely nosey,
and tries to exclude me from my own family (husband and son).
And, living next door to her doesn't help. When my friends
come over, she rushes over to introduce herself (just to see who
is at my house). And, she always acts like she pays my bills.
When my husband is at work, she doesn't call or come over.
But, as soon as he gets home, the phone rings. If I answer,
she insists on talking to DH, and makes it clear that she doesn't
want to talk to me. She cries, and puts a guilt trip on my
husband when we go out of town to see my family. She's a very
sneaky, controlling MIL. She tries to keep secrets between
her and my husband. She won't look me in the face. How
do I confront her and let her know that she needs to stop the competition.
I feel I've tried everything. I don't want to be nasty to
her, but I do want to get my point across to her. How can
I be firm with someone who is so controlling???
Signed - The Package
MOTHER-IN-LAW
RESPONSE: The Package MOTHER-IN-LAW
Move away.
RESPONSE: The Package MOTHER-IN-LAW
You didn't mention whether DH sees how she really is. He can
be an integral part of the solution, or a huge part of the problem.
If you can get his assistance, he can solve the whole problem with
her in no time. When I got fed up with my MIL being so jealous
of me and becoming more competitive by the day, my DH handled it
beautifully. Each time we were around her, or even when she
called, he would praise ME and talk about how wonderful I made his
life. For example (and these things are so easy to say), when
MIL called to say Happy Valentine's Day to her sweet sonny boy,
he told her that he had just given me a beautiful heart necklace
and he said, "You know, mom, I got lucky and got the best wife
in the world. She's made my life so happy." Trust
me, after hearing him praise you a few times, she will learn her
place in her son's life and she will no longer want to compete.
If DH doesn't cooperate, you can get the same point across without
his help. Instead of him saying something like the above to
her, you could say that he is so sweet and he told you this and
that, and so on. This worked for us -not quite 100%, but MIL
has cut the competing by about 90%. Hope it works for you.
RESPONSE: The Package MOTHER-IN-LAW
Move
RESPONSE: The Package MOTHER-IN-LAW
How does your DH feel about this? Is he aware of his mother's
behavior, and how controlling it is? And, my suggestion to
you - MOVE NOW!!!!! You are living so close that you may as
well be living in her house. MOVE ASAP so you both have some
privacy. Having stayed with my ILs while we were renovating,
I would never live within close driving/visiting distance.
An hour away is quite comfortable for us. Good luck.
RESPONSE: The Package MOTHER-IN-LAW
Wow, after reading your post, I hate your MIL. You are a saint
to put up with that. I hope the other readers can help you.
She just makes me angry!
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