Why would you rather
deal with a vicious dog than your mother-in-law?
A vicious dog eventually lets go!
Signed - Vicious Dog
Well, here is my story.
I have been married to my DH for seven years, and we have three
boys. My MIL is an extremely partial person, and only has
time for her two granddaughters. My DH and I have told her,
on several occasions, that we feel that she is being unfair, but
she just will not listen. My SIL does nothing but sit on her
behind all day, and push the granddaughters off on MIL (who seems
to enjoy it). She will go weeks without seeing or calling
about my boys. Finally, I got fed up, and told her how I really
felt. I didn't personally attack her, but boy did she let
into me. She told me that I should not be going to school,
and that my DH's job was not as important as her other son's because
he is a youth pastor. I told MIL that I did not agree with
her views, and this made her very angry. To make matters worse,
she told my five year old son that he could not come to her house
because she would rather not watch boys. I really do not know
what I should do. If anyone has any advice, please let me
know.
Signed - She Would Rather
Not Watch Boys
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
What does your going to school, or your DH's job supposedly being
less important than BIL's, have to do with seeing her grandchildren?
What? You have to quit school and DH has to get another job
- then MIL will see your boys? She's being ridiculous.
My MIL doesn't give my DS the time of day. Her attention goes
to the children of just 2 of my DH's siblings. I talked to
her about it several times, and it didn't change. I even pointed
out to her that if her grandson didn't know who she was, that was
her fault, since she never wanted to get together with us.
She got better for a while (she hadn't seen my DS in a year), but
then she just went back to ignoring his existence. I figured,
"to heck with it." I only had one set of grandparents
alive when I was a kid, and I did fine. My DS is better off
with just my folks as grandparents, instead of dealing with a grandmother
who doesn't seem to give a hoot. So, I walked away.
My DS is 5 now, and doesn't remember MIL. You may have to
walk away too. The only recommendation I have is that if you
talk to MIL about this again, make it about seeing YOUR kids.
Don't bring up the other grandkids, if you did last time.
With my MIL, when I pointed out, at first, that she spent all her
time and attention on BIL's kids, MIL took it as if I was saying
she shouldn't see his kids so much. I ended up with BIL and
SIL mad at me. I explained, and the next time I talked with
MIL, I just pointed out that I wished she would be more involved
in my DS's life.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not
Watch Boys
My advice is to: 1) Keep a good distance between your
children and your MIL, as well as any manipulative relatives.
2) Trust your children that they're smart and courageous enough
to sort out genuine and ingenuine people. This is my experience:
Many years ago, when my then 4-year old son wanted to have a sleepover
at the grandma's house, as other grandkids had done many times (including
his sister), my MIL told us that they're too old to do sleepovers
anymore. My husband and I accepted and respected their wish,
and explained so to our son. The next day, my BIL's wife (I'll
call SIL-X) called me in an astonishment that these same old grandparents
just invited her three children, who live 500 miles away, to come
visit them. Furthermore, my MIL invited each of SIL-X's three
kids for a one-week visit, at a different time, with airfares paid
for by her. The MIL even reminded SIL-X to tell me this, so
that her children could get together with mine when they visit.
I was furious. I have seen my in-laws treat their sons and
grandkids unfairly and with intentional partiality many times.
I have expressed my concerns, but they always denied it ever happened,
or said there's nothing wrong with what they did. I almost
feel that these people actually enjoy watching the emotional pains
they cause in the rejected kids. I knew they would not change.
So, from that moment on, I decided that I would no longer cover
my in laws' ass for them. I began explaining the way things
were, to my children, whenever they were made the victim.
I told my children the whole story - what my MIL or FIL said to
me, and what they said to other DILs and relatives. I told
my children what family conflict was unfolding because of their
hurtful words and actions. Most importantly, I told my children,
over and over again, that the neglect and slight they're getting
was not their fault, but it was because their grandparents were
mean people. My in-laws now really hate me, but I do not care.
Why? Because, as young as they were, my children were smart
enough to understand the situation, and they grew up to be free
of any emotional damage from the dysfunctionality. Unlike
their cousins, who continued to take part in their manipulation
games, in order to win favoritism one time or another (and, as a
result, grew up with a lot of distrust and misguided rivalry), my
children were able to build a happy, healthy, and trusting sibling
relationship that no one in my husband's family has to this day.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
I have a similar problem with my own mother. My mother has
seven grandchildren now, ranging in age from 10 to 29. Over
the years, she has always favored certain children. It started
with the oldest, and he was the favorite until the fourth grandchild
came along (which was my niece, who is now 19). Then, it was
my own child. And, now, the last one, who is 10, is the favorite.
She will favor one child until another one, who takes her fancy,
comes along. When this happens, she forgets about all of the
rest of her grandchildren. The kids see this as they are growing
older, and then they resent her. My son is now 15, and he
doesn't want anything to do with his grandmother. Whenever
he does go to see her, instead of asking him what is going on in
his life (i.e., school, sports, or anything), she always talks about
the youngest grandchild, whom she sees every day. My parents
are now getting up there in age, and they do need help with certain
things (such as mowing the grass, shoveling snow, etc.). When
these older grandchildren, whom she has shunned, won't do these
things, she will make comments like, "I wish I had a grandchild
that was worth a sh!t!" I guess I am trying to let you
know that it is their loss that they don't want to participate in
their grandchildren's lives. And, as they get older, the grandchildren
see these things, and it does affect them. It is very hurtful
to my son that his own grandmother does not even care what is going
on in his life. She will not even attempt to come to his sporting
events, even when they are only ten minutes from her house.
But, she will make every effort to go to the youngest grandchild's
events. She even makes cupcakes for his birthday, for school,
the school bake sales, etc. Good Luck, and I wish you the
best in dealing with this.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
That's IT!! How DARE she say something like that to a 5 year
old! He's still a BABY, for gosh sakes!!! I would CUT
HER OFF COMPLETELY!!! What does your DH say about his mother
being cruel to your sons? And, that is what she is - CRUEL!!!
The witch! AND, why is a Youth Pastor's job any more important
than any other? And, you were right to tell her off!
I would have been worse.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
There's nothing you can do. You can't force this woman to
love your children. The fact that she can't feel for her own
grandsons is despicable. But, unfortunately, that's the way
it is. Surround your sons with the people who do love and
care for them, and write your MIL off. It sounds like you
are better off without her anyway. I know it's painful, but
in the end, letting go is best for you and your kids.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
I am sorry to hear this. Your MIL is being ignorant, and is
missing out on getting to know her grandsons and being around them.
One of these days, I am sure, she will see what she has done wrong,
and will come running. I would break all contact with her
if I were you. I would not allow her to see you or your sons.
Her words and actions will one day hurt your sons, if they haven't
already. They might not be old enough to understand right
now. But as they get older, they will wonder why grandma doesn't
want to see them, and they will blame themselves. Please just
let go. Let your mother be the mature grandmother, and let
her enjoy their company. What does your DH say about this?
Good luck.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
Ignore the old bag. Tell your sons that grandma loves them,
but finds it hard to show it. Then, carry on giving them all
the love and support you can. It's her loss. Plus, your
sons will work it out for themselves anyway, so you don't have to
say a word against her. Just make sure they don't think they've
done anything wrong. She's a miserable cow, from the sound
of it - your sons will be better off without her.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
Stop trying. Let it go. She doesn't want to be bothered.
It's her loss. Besides, the boys shouldn't have to deal with
the likes of her anyway.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
I would not want my children around a woman like this. Take
those active boys to your mom's for quality time.
RESPONSE: She Would Rather Not Watch Boys
That is insane. Sorry to sound so harsh,
but stop wishing for acceptance and attention from your MIL.
If she cannot see the true blessing she has with ALL of her grandchildren,
regardless of gender, it is her own loss, and her own problem.
I say this with passion, because my MIL watches her daughter's child
nearly every day. Her granddaughter is like her own child.
I have two girls, and my MIL BARELY asks about them, too, so I know
how you feel. It used to bother me, until I realized there
are lots of old people in nursing homes that would love to have
two little children come to visit them regularly. When my
kids get older, I am going to take them to visit shut ins.
And, maybe they will develop a relationship with some of those older
people that is similar to a grandparent relationship. When
you learn to let go of wanting your MIL to be involved in your life,
you will get peace. Remember, it isn't you - it is her.
It sounds like she is playing favorites. That is her loss.
Sorry for what you are going through. But, the sooner you
"let it go", the sooner you will be at peace. Lots
of luck.
I would be grateful for
some perspective on this. My feelings might be really irrational.
Any advice on an "attitude adjustment"? We had to
take our dog to the vet this weekend. It was an emergency.
She's an epileptic dog. We give her medication twice a day,
but this weekend she had a long seizure. She is home now,
but still recovering. She is not doing completely well, and
we're concerned. My DH had to tell his parents, because it
meant his missing church (a special day he had planned with them
to attend). He then called them again to leave the message
that we had the dog back home again, and everything would be ok
(his mother is an extremely nosy, emotional person). But,
they've been all over it, calling back with their concern, and wanting
to hear all about it. I had an amazingly furious, angry reaction
to that. It seems like whenever there is a crisis that doesn't
even involve them, THEY need to get THEIR feelings soothed, when
it has nothing to do with them! Why do we have to call and
comfort THEM about OUR dog? What we need them to do is back
off and give us space to deal with this (they are NO help!).
My husband called back, yet again, to leave another message that
the dog is OK My MIL wants to know all the tragic details
of everything, but then she can't HANDLE the truth. She screams
and cries on the phone so loudly that I can hear her across the
room, so my DH very much censors what he tells her. Then,
I disconnected the answering machine so that they couldn't call
and demand more details. Do you think we owe them lots of
details about a crisis involving our own dog (that they have very
little at all to do with!)? I am astonished at my FURIOUS
reaction to their intrusiveness. No, it's not just that.
There's a long history of smothering over-involvement. My
DH, an only child, is in his mid-thirties. His parents were
loving, but very indulgent, involved parents (they would drive to
another state when he was in college to take him bags of groceries
every week - and he was the older-than-usual college student, in
his mid-twenties!). He blames himself for their over-involvement
and intrusiveness. Bu,t we have been married for almost six
years, and you'd think they would have learned by now that they
don't have to baby him anymore - nor is every little detail of our
lives their business! We have made progress teaching them
to back off a bit and respect our privacy, or so I thought.
I am amazed at how furious I am with them for not just backing off
and letting us deal with our sick dog, instead of needing to emote
all over the situation. Well, if you have any insights on
this, please feel free to share them. Maybe I'm just mean.
I am astonished at the anger I feel towards them. I guess
I'm worried about the dog, and I find their prying concern a great
burden, rather than perhaps the great support they intend it to
be. We don't have children, and they are just one more reason
why we don't. They would just glom on to that child like grim
death (I read with wonder the entries from women whose MILs ignore
the grandchildren - we would have the extreme reverse situation!)
Signed - Resentful DIL
RESPONSE: Resentful DIL
Ahhhh, the emotional, overbearing, self-centered type of in-laws
- all too common. This is what I did with my MIL when she
kept on (for years) with her, "Oh, I'm so worried", "I'm
so sad", "hurt", etc. You know the words -
I, ME, MY, MINE - all the self-consumption. I started to do
the same - giving her a dose of her own medicine. When her
third cousin, who lives 2,000 miles away, and hasn't seen her in
twelve years, had a heart attack, and she started her emotional
theatrics (tears included), "I'M sooooooo worried. I'm
praying soooooooo hard," etc., I did the same. "Yes,
ma, I'm just torn up about this. I feel so badly for cousin
X. I'm soooooooo worried too. I've cried all day.
DH is worried about ME, you know. I'm not sleeping well.
I'm not eating well," etc. After I started this, she
must have gotten the hint, because the emotional hysterics have
subsided, for the most part. This approach was not easy for
me, because I'm not self-consumed, and I don't enjoy playing games!
But, it seems to have worked. I hope this helps. A combined
effort - you and DH both moving the focus of conversations FROM
the in-laws TO each other - may be the answer. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Resentful DIL
I have mixed feelings towards your entry. I understand what
you are talking about. My MIL also uses this emotional stuff
with DH to make him feel that he has to support her and protect
her. Basically, it is their way of not letting our DHs go
and have a life of their own. But, I also feel that you should
avoid this dog situation, and not worry yourself about it.
I can very well understand, as I have lost 2 dogs of my own (they
were of age). And, I have undergone the pain of them not being
well. But, I suggest just ignoring your MIL this time.
I also do not have children, and I live with constant fear that
if I do have a child, she will take my child away from me, and be
overly grandmotherly with my child. My MIL is after me to
have kids. Little does she know that she is the reason that
I do not have any.
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